DT: With Shawn Hart’s resurfacing in EPW, things have been slowly rising to a fever pitch between him and JA, this last encounter is no exception. 

DM: Is this what we have to be subjected to all of a sudden; Hart’s disappearing acts and sudden resurfacing in an effort to make him relevant again? 

MN: Bitter, bitter, bitter. I’ll tell you one thing: if it means Felicia stays around this time, I’m all for it! 

DM: You would be. 

DT: And moving on from the petty bickering of my broadcast colleagues, it’s time for Cameron Cruise to take on Foxx. 

[CUE-UP: “Angelwitch” by Angelwitch. Foxx bounds out from the back to a nice response from the crowd and hops into the ring] 

DM: And there’s Foxx, looking spunky as ever. 

MN: Spunky? Since when does spunky have to do with anything? Do you think Cruise, or anyone else, cares that they’re facing someone who’s spunky? Let me answer that for you: no, they don’t. 

DM: Did you forget to take your Midol this morning, Neely? Your PMS this month seems to be raging out of control. 

MN: Y’know, I don’t need to take this from you. As soon as Cruise gets out here, I’m taking a piss break. That’s what people do when Cruise comes on their TV sets, right? 

[CUE-UP: “Headstrong” by Trapt. Cameron Cruise struts out onto the stage, Mercedes Devon by his side. The happy couple walk arm in arm down to the ring while girls on either side of the railing make desperate grabs at getting their hands on Cameron.] 

DM: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it disturbing that girls have taken a liking to Cameron Cruise? 

MN: I find it disturbing that he’s still with that hag Devon. If it were me, I’d ditch the ball and chain and have me some fun. 

DT: Which is why you pre-ordered Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in your hotel room on our last tour of duty, right Neels? 

MN: The Goblet of Fire is a cinematic masterpiece and I’ll not have you sullying Potter’s good name, Thomas. 

[SFX: Bell ringing] 

DM: Foxx and Cruise circling each other, Mercedes giving some girls in the first three rows the evil eye. What are the possibilities of a catfight happening at some point during the match? 

MN: Vegas has the odds at 5 to 1. 

DT: Foxx just caught Cameron by surprise with a quick forearm to the mouth, Cruise is reeling back. She doesn’t look like she wants to go for the tried-and-true collar and elbow tie-up to start this off. Foxx with an Irish-whip to the corner, Cruise hits hard and Foxx follows it up with a dropkick. Cameron’s head banged against the turnbuckle and he’s shaking the cobwebs out. 

MN: That piss break is looking real good right about now. 

DM: Why hasn’t Ryan hired a replacement yet…? 

DT: Cruise is out of the corner, Foxx with an arm-drag take down, and it looks like Cruise is caught a little bit by surprise at Foxx’s quick pace here. Cruise is getting to his feet and Foxx just kicked Cruise right in the face! A cover. 

1… 

T..kickout. 

MN: A kick to the face isn’t going to win this match for Foxx, no matter how spunky she is, DEAN. 

DT: Cameron’s pounding the mat in frustration before getting to his feet. Foxx charges in, but Cruise sidesteps her and tosses her into the corner. Foxx hits back first and Cruise charges in with a clothesline. He wraps her arms around her waist and vaults her out of the corner with a belly-to-belly suplex. Foxx hits hard, and Cruise looks to drop an elbow…No! Foxx rolled out of the way. Both are back up and Foxx launches herself at the taller Cameron with a clothesline. Cruise is stumbling back against the ropes and Foxx clotheslines him again, this time out of the ring! 

MN: I’m getting kinda hungry, think the popcorn guy’ll make a trip over here? 

DM: Only you would think of eating when you should be calling a match. 

MN: Hey, when I’m hungry I expect to eat. 

DT: This isn’t the snack bar, Mike. Foxx launches herself over with a plancha and both of them crumple to the mat. The girls are screaming for Cameron again, and Mercedes just rolls her eyes at them. 

[CUT-TO: A row full of teens, screaming CAMMY! CAMMY!] 

DM: I remember overhearing Melton say it was going to be his pet project to make Cameron Cruise into the David Cassidy of professional wrestling. I don’t know if Cameron can sing worth a damn, but he’s certainly got the cult following. 

MN: Cult following indeed…who brainwashed these girls anyway? 

DT: I don’t know, but Mercedes looks like she’s about had enough of it. She’s doing her best to ignore them, but I don’t know how much more of this she can put up with. 

DM: She had to put up with Cruise playing tag-a-long to Melton for almost a year. I think the woman is a saint. 

DT: The referee counting, he’s up to 6 now. Foxx to her feet, sliding back into the ring, then back out again. Looks like she’s not finished with Cameron just yet, but Cameron just elbowed her in the stomach! He’s got her by the hair and is dragging her to the ringpost. He’s going to ram her face first! 

MN: Might be an improvement. 

DT: Will you stop! Foxx could be in trouble but…no! She blocked. Foxx blocked and just sent Cruise’s head into the steel! The crowd’s loving it. 

DM: I’ll tell you who isn’t loving this: Mercedes Devon. 

DT: Mercedes over to Foxx, whirls her around and [CROWD: OH!] just cracked Foxx in the face with a punch to the jaw. Devon’s had quite enough of this. 

MN: Maybe if her man wasn’t such a pus-… 

DT and DM: FAMILY SHOW! 

MN: …-shover, this wouldn’t be happening right now. 

DT: Regardless, Foxx punched Mercedes right back! These two women aren’t backing down from one another. Cruise is regaining his senses and sees the two about to come to blows. 

DM: So what does he do? 

DT: He grabs Foxx by the back of the head and tosses her back into the ring. Good thing too, the referee was up to 9 and would have counted them both out. 

MN: You think David Cassidy ever had this problem? 

DM: If you’re so curious, why don’t you go ask him? 

MN: Maybe I will, Dean. MAYBE I WILL! 

DT: Both are back in the ring now, Cruise to his feet first. He kicks Foxx in the stomach and hoists her up over his shoulder. He’s looking to end it with the Shipwreck….but Foxx wriggles down off Cameron’s shoulder and pushes him forward into the corner. Cruise hits chest first and Foxx jumps him from behind, ramming his head repeatedly onto the top turnbuckle. She whips him around to face her and superkicks him right in the face! Cruise is down, Mercedes is livid! 

MN: But wait…there’s more! 

DT: Foxx is backing up, looking to get a running start…Bronco-Buster in the corner on Cruise! 

[CUT-TO: Close up of Cruise, the corners of his mouth upturned slightly.] 

MN: Is Cruise…smiling? 

DM: I think he’s rather out of it, Neely. 

MN: He IS smiling! Ahahahahahaha! 

DT: Whether Mercedes knows it or not is another thing entirely. But at this point, she’s got Foxx in her sights. 

[CUT-TO: Mercedes climbing up onto the apron, but before she can take a swing at Foxx, she’s distracted by something on the other side of the ring.] 

DM: Hey, what are those girls doing? 

DT: Those girls from earlier have just climbed over the guardrail and are trying to get into the ring to get Foxx off Cruise! Security needs to get over here and stop this! 

[A couple burly security guards grab a couple of the girls, but three more get away and climb into the ring. One pushes Foxx away, who looks stunned at what’s going on, but Mercedes instinctively climbs into the ring and kicks the fan in the face to keep her away from her husband and from getting involved in the match. The other two are trying to “revive” Cruise, causing the referee to ring the bell and call for the match to be a no-contest. Mercedes and Foxx both pull the other two fans off Cruise and begin leveling them with punches before more security members get into the ring.] 

DM: What a wild end to this match, but rule number one with all the boys and girls in the back: protect your own if the fans get involved. 

DT: I don’t know what to make of this, it’s all completely crazy. Folks, we’ll be right back.