DT: It's main event time here in the Mile High City and it's been an explosive night so far, wouldn't you say gentlemen? 

MN: Why do we have to waste time with this match anyway? It's a foregone conclusion that Windham and his Entourage are going to wipe the mat and this pit's floor with Brown, Melton and Troy. Can't we all just get our paychecks and go home? I've got Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire already pre-ordered back at the hotel! 

DM: It's a wonder to me why Ryan keeps you on the payroll. 

MN: No namecalling, and compared to you I'm a regular Joe Theismann. 

DM: You've got the arrogant prick market cornered alright... 

DT: I'm not going to babysit the two of you, so knock it off! 

DM: You always end up doing it anyway, Dave. 

DT: I know. Tragic, isn't it? 

[Suddenly the EmpireTron springs to life and Wisconsic Bill, manager for Mike Evers appears on the screen. Bill is in a dressing room, and he’s whispering. The sound of a shower can be heard, from the adjoining shower room.] 

Wisconsin Bill: Adam Benjamin, you just made the mistake of your life. You want a piece of ol’ Wisconsin Bill? You got him! And when I pin you to the mat, my man Mike evers will slap your silly overrated ass all over the ring, son! And that’s a promise!! 

[From off camera] Mike Evers: What’s a promise?? 

Bill: [startled] Damn, boy. Ya just about scared the bejeezus outta me. 

Evers: Bill, tell me you didn’t just do what I think you did. 

Bill: Nothin’ to worry about. You’re on your way, boy. You’re on your way. 

[Evers looks up, eyes closed and exasperated as we cut back to the arena.] 

[CUE-UP: "Beverly Hills" by Weezer as the ENTOURAGE emerges from the curtain first, followed by TROY WINDHAM. Z! stops right before the ramp, flexing his calf muscles and grunting at the crowd before letting loose an animalistic roar. August De La Rossi kowtows to a mink coat and sunglass wearing Windham, who stops dead center stage and poses to the crowd. Denver's finest boo Windham for all they're worth, only to have the sentiment turned up a notch once Windham reaches into the pockets of his coat and throws teabags out to the crowd! 

DT: Oh now that's just disgusting. Windham further rubbing in what was a despicable action against Joey Melton just a few weeks ago. 

MN: I hope they're Bombay teabags. Lipton sucks. You think he'll toss some our way? 

DM: Dear God, I hope not. 

[The Entourage enters the ring and Windham tosses his coat off to a ringside lackey. He flexes his muscles and grins at a few rats in the front row while "Beverly Hills" is replaced with "Rainmaker" by Iron Maiden. The man who took Lindsay Troy to a time limit draw the week before enters the arena to a nice ovation. "The Dragon" calmly walks to down the ring and jumps up on the apron to await his partners.] 

DM: Karl Brown just may be the most level-headed one out of all the people in the main event tonight. 

MN: Bah, who needs level-headedness when you're a huuuuuuuuge star like Windham, De La Ross and Zoltan!? 

[CUE-UP: "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar.] 

MELTON V/O: Alllllllllllllllllllll Aboard. 

CUTTO: Melton’s Gold Dancers, all twelve, dressed like sailors, pull a ten-foot model Cruise Ship onto the stage, then slowly down the aisle. Joey stands on the deck, dressed as a Captain, waving to happy prisoners. Common folk stuck watching this dreck to get their full value. Sure the dollar doesn’t stretch as far as it used to, but this is cruel. 

Once to the ring, two of the Melton Gold Dancers open up a ladder to Melton, and hold his hands as she climbs down, smoking pipe nestled in his mouth. 

MN: Wow, that’s class Dave. 

DT: You can’t shovel class, what I had in mind, we’re knee deep in right now. 

DM: Mmmm..Milk duds. 

DT: Shue. Both of you. 

MN: Melton with the Gold Dancers again. I’m sure that was a battle won with Troy. The question is… 

DM: What did he have to give up? Right. [Shudder] 

[The lights in the arena begin to flicker and the RYANtron lights up with the all-too familiar snarky quote of the final person in the Main Event: 

"Do you really have to be the ice queen intellectual or the slut whore? Isn't there some way to be both?" 

CUE-UP: "Money, Power, Respect" by Lil Kim, DMX and the Lox. The crowd rises to its feet as Lindsay Troy walks slowly out from behind the curtain. Pyro erupts all around her as she stands on-stage, cooly smirking at the men awaiting her in the ring. She runs her hand over the faceplate of the EPW title and saunters down the ramp, taking her time and locking eyes with her tag partners. Windham sneers at her as she jumps flat-footed onto the apron and flips over the top-rope into the ring to hand the referee the title.] 

DT: Your EPW World Heavyweight Champion folks! 

MN: Unless you can play at the Masters, you shouldn’t be wrestling grown men for a half-ton of Gold! Period! 

DM: Mike you never switched over from DOS to Windows did you? 

MN: Egads! 

SFX: DING! 

DT: It’s Karl Brown to start for….what are we calling Melton and Troy’s team? 

MN: Melton and Troy are on opposite sides Thomas. Really, crystal meth. Not good. It’s robbed you of the clarity that made you one of the middle of the road analysts in this business. 

DM: He’s right. I saw a PRIMETIME LIVE special on what that can do to a person. Not pleasant. Imagine a dealer handing you a tasty 32 oz. Meth drink, it’s like sucking the life force out with a straw. But, your thirst is replaced with leather skin and red blotch eye sores. 

MN: What combo is that on Denny’s menu? 

DT: The fans are Denver on all over Troy….Windham. Damn you both. [Neely and Matthews SNICKER] They want Windham to start. He’s run down EPW enough, and the Mile High city enough in print interviews leading up to this event…they’re ready to see what the man’s got! [Troy eggs on the heat, teasing the fans-one foot in the ring, the other outside the ropes. Are they ready for the King of All-Media? Have they done enough in their lives to earn it?] Brown dodges and Troy and Windham backs off! 

MN: These idiots are booing, but don’t blame Windham. Brown’s English. They spent the middle portion of the 20th century huddled in bomb shelters. What do they know about making an entrance? 

DT: We’re burning TV time, Mike. I don’t see how Windham refusing to enter the ring is showmanship. 

MN: Of course you don’t. There’s two constants in this world. Nobody can think for Troy Windham, and black people don’t read Shakespeare. 

DT: If this man is as great as he says he is, let’s see it. The Sun shines every day, Neely. That’s all I’m saying. Brown frustrated by Windham’s antics asking the ref Henry Jones Jr. to force Windham into the ring, but Jones is giving up fifty pounds and a few pay grades. 

DM: Yeah, about any ref can do here is threaten Windham with a time out. 

DT: That’s exactly what the man is doing! Standing in his corner quietly! [BOO!] Finally, Troy steps through the ropes [SARCASTIC CHEERS]. Windham asking Jones to check Brown’s boot again. Sweet Saint Mary, come on. Karl Brown is as clean as they come. 

MN: If he doesn’t have an Olympic background probably so. 

DT: Jones checks, but Windham’s not satisfied. [CUTTO: Troy pointing animatedly at the boots of Karl Brown] Windham asking for the boots to come off! He can’t be serious? 

DM: I just read an article about drug smugglers sewing coke inside the stomachs of little puppies. 

MN: Exactly. How well do we really know our neighbors, or in this case, Karl Brown? 

DT: Right. Brown’s hidden Turkish hash in the bowels of Lindsay Troy and Melton. [CUTTO: Brown steaming bad. Refusing to take off his boot] 

TIME KEEPER: [V/O] EIGHT MINUTES REMAIN. EIGHT MINUTES REMAIN. 

[BOOOOO] 

DT: This is a disgrace. 

MN: Why? The man clearly won’t take off his boots. If I accused of you keeping small Asian children locked in your basement…and you were innocent, would you show me your basement? 

DT: Of course! [MN: Point prov---] I’m not playing this game! And neither is Karl Brown! Windham out of the ring, refusing to compete with Brown as he is. This is outrageous! 

CUTTO: August De La Rossi slipping through the bottom of the ropes behind Brown. 

DT: De La Rossi in the ring! He just clipped Karl’s left knee! That’s not right! August yanks Brown up by the hair, and tosses him into the corner. The Dragon can barely stand! August big uppercut forearm! 

CUTTO: Lindsay Troy reaching over the ropes, and grabbing De La Rossi by the hair. [MARK!] 

DT: LINDSAY REVERSE NECKBREAKER over the top rope! [CUTTO: A moving-pan of the Pepsi Center. Fans ba ba ba ba lovin’ it] 

DM: [CUTTO: August in the ring, clutching his neck, shaking like a fish.] I think Windham’s going to need a new art student. 

MN: In today’s market he won’t any trouble finding one ready and willing to do his bidding for a meal. 

DT: Speaking of, Troy into the ring in a flash and burying a running knee into Brown’s gut! [BOOO] Windham reaching into his back pocket and pulling out…a fudge pop stick? 

CUTTO: Troy jamming a stick down Brown’s gagging throat 

DT: Windham choking a man to death! 

MN: Hardly! It’s a Step test you fool! 

DT: Shut it! BULLDOG by Troy! [BOOOOOOOOO] The fans letting him know! Utter disapproval with his antics! Cowardly AT BEST! [CUTTO: Troy, hurt by the unfounded criticism and bowing out of the ring, tagging in Zoltan! Z hits the ring in a fury! Irish Whip, and he catches Brown with a devastating clothesline! The Brit’s head about popped off like a cork! [CUTTO: Z! rushing to the ropes, and laying his outstretched right leg on the middle rope. GROWLING and FLEXING his massive calf! 

MN: It’s Fright Night in the Pepsi Center! Look at the front row of fans! It’s as if they’ve seen Casey Affleck in Hostel 2! 

DT: August De La Rossi finally to his feet. Elbow drop on Brown! Karl in big trouble early going! August hooking the arms, and holding the Dragon back! Z!….CALF SHOT TO THE NECK! 

MN: NO!! A move that’s illegal in seven states, and much of Paris! 

DM: Lindsay Troy storming into the ring, but Henry Jones Jr. tackles her in mid-air, forcing her back to in her corner and out of the ring! Sorry Dave…thought you might still be in awe of the calf shot. It nearly blinded me.

CUTTO: August and Zoltan holding Brown up, and dragging him to Windham, who stands on the apron outside of the ropes. Troy looks for the ref, then slams the fudge stick back down Karl’s throat. Brown kicks and GAGS, but Windham shoves it deeper. 

DT: Jones! Don’t turn you back on that snake! Wake up! [BOO!] Windham humiliating Karl Brown, or trying to kill him, either or as far as I can tell. [CUTTO: Troy disgustedly turning around to flip off the fans. In a proper kingdom these paupers would be tied to dogs and run for days for their brazen lack of respect.] 

MN: What’s great about tonight’s broadcast Dave is it’s being podcast on August’s Free Tibet website where fans can also make donations, and help write the next U2 album. 

DT: Brown! Karl his arms held by two goons leaps off his feet and DROPKICKS Windham off the apron! [MARK!] Karl fights, kicks off the ropes DOUBLE ARM DRAG! [MARK!] [CUTTO: August and Zoltan grabbing hands and sharing a moment before running at Brown.] Karl rolls under the clothesline, [TAG!] off the ropes FLYING BODY PRESS ON BOTH MEN! Jones to count, ONE….TWO….Z! POWERS OUT! Brown sent three feet in the air, and back down on August! [OOF!] 

MN: The teamwork’s a little rusty tonight, Dave. Let’s keep in the mind the Entourage is usually crusading for…. 

DM: For? 

MN: For…well… a number of issues! The world would be a better place mind you, if De La Rossi was in charge, I can promise you that! 

DT: Zoltan stomps on the back of Brown’s neck! [MARK!] 

CUTTO: Lindsay Troy, perched on the top rope, leaping off. She throws her left leg around the back of Zoltan’s head, then lets her weight carry over, before throwing the right. 

DT: HURRICANRANA! What a move! [LINDSAY TROY! LINDSAY TROY!] Lindsay whispers something in Jones’ ear…and he’s blushing like a schoolboy! [Henry Jones walking away from the action, mimicking picking petals off a rose. ‘She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not.’] Lindsay whips Zoltan into her corner where Melton’s hunched over in the ring, ZOLTAN SPRUNG OVER THE TOP ROPE!! 

SFX: CRASH! OOOOOOOOF! 

CUTTO: Zoltan hung over the security railing like dirty clothes on a country line. 

DT: This place is rocking! 

DM: What the hell did she say to Jones?! 

MN: Filthy little [CENSOR]. Windham was right. 

DT: August trying to sneak out of the ring but Troy grabs him by the shirt collar! De La Rossi now, BEGGING off. Hah! 

MN: Think of all the great works he’s yet to do! Troy [CUTTO: Lindsay clinching an arm bar.] not his campaigning hand! Please! If she forces this idiot to tap out, we’re all doomed to rely on foreign fossil fuel for eternity! I can feel it! 

DT: Savat kick by Lindsay, and August hits the mat! Troy runs, and leaps off the middle rope, LIONSAULT! 

DM: The good news is I think her left elbow caught his balls. The bad news. Well, that’s sorta the bad news too. 

DT: Troy…HIGH-FIVE to Karl Brown and a wink to Melton! [MARK!] First time as a team together, and it ain’t bad! [CUTTO: De la Rossi scrambling like eggs to his corner where a DETERMINED Troy Windham is waiting. Windham TAGS before August can even think it.] 

[YEAH!] 

DT: Windham can’t get in the ring fast enough! This is what he wanted! [CUTTO: Windham ****-eating grin on his face taking off his ‘Jesus Got It Done’ T-shirt] Windham snapping his knuckles, fingers dancing, ready to tango…. DENVER wants it as well! 

DM: Well hell, what Denver wants..Denver gets. 

DT: Collar and elbow tie-up, NO! Lindsay ducks under…and is calmly walking to her corner. [TAG!] Melton’s in. [Scattered BOOS] Windham visibly miffed that Troy’s gone…Joey ties him up! Side-headlock. Back-body drop by Windham! Melton on his feet, standing dropkick by Troy! And Joey’s sent spiraling towards a free corner! Windham rushes in but nobody’s home! Melton moved and Windham’s right shoulder jammed into the top turnbuckle! 

MN: I don’t understand it, Thomas. 

DT: Melton…knife-edge chop. [WHOOO!] Windham rake of the eyes! Reversal in the corner, Troy, KNIFE-EDGE CHOP! [WHOO!] Melton reversal! Troy reversal! CHOP! CHOP! Melton’s stunned. Irish whip into the opposite corner! 

CUTTO: Melton hitting the corner back first and slumping over. Troy rushing in, but Joey gets his right foot up! 

DT: Windham with a mouthful of boot! Melton hops to the second turnbuckle and jumps off with a double ax handle! Windham to his knees, reaching for his back! Chin-lock by Joey! 

MN: Why would she leave? Why would Lindsay refuse to wrestle Troy? 

DM: I think that’s the least of your worries, personally. 

DT: Melton wrestling Troy to the mat. Full camel-clutch. Pulling back on Windham’s neck. At some point in time the man’s had every bone in his body broken just about. Troy’s a medical miracle, give him that. The wars with Eli Flair, his brother… 

DM: The establishment. 

DT: Right. In obvious discomfort, but Windham powers back to his knees. [MARK!] Troy on his feet with Melton on his shoulders…STUN GUN! Melton dropped neck first over the top rope! [CUTTO: August cheering happily.] 

MN: Forgive me fellows, but when our World Champion refuses to wrestle the best, I’ve got a problem with that. 

DT: Troy stomping away at Joey! You can feel the hate with every kick! Joey rolls outside, shaken, but Windham is on top of him. [SFX: CRASH!] Joey sent face first into the security railing! The front row of fans scramble. Windham, this is his game. Yes he’s glorious, yes he’s beautiful, yes he’s a metrosexual, but at hear the man’s a brawler. And he’s tearing into Joey on the outside. Slamming right hands into Melton’s skull. 

DM: Melton’s not exactly ancient Dave, but at his age…he can’t afford to be outside the ring, playing John Wayne. 

DT: Troy sets Joey over the top of the railing, racking the Unifier! With a chair in hand, the Boy Troy climbs on the apron! Jones! Somebody get Jr. back from the heavens and into this match! 

CUTTO: Troy throwing a chair at Joey, then leaping off the apron and DROPKICKING it against Melton’s head. 

[OHHHH!] 

DT: Melton falling into the fans. His face, maybe his head..broken. What a deadly shot! Just brutal. Windham reaching for Joey’s corpse….dragging into back over the line. The embarrassment he’s caused this man in the last month. When does it end? 

DM: Dave….we’re not on at midnight. Shush. 

DT: Melton wearily propped over the apron. Barley clutching the bottom rope. Windham catches the eye of Troy. Lindsay’s walking to him. [MARK!] Windham throws down the chair, and BEGS her to come fight. Windham on his KNEES! But, Lindsay walks off, stalking around the iron post, further from the scene! [CUTTO: August De La Rossi in the ring, he runs off the ropes at Melton…] De La Rossi BASEBALL SLIDE, BUT JOEY MOVES! AUGUST CREAMS TROY! 

CUTTO: De La Rossi kicking Windham into the railing. 

DT: Melton thumb to the eye…Joey…drops to his knees….RACK! He just took a free shot at Windham’s groin! 

DM: Mike? That’s yours buddy. 

MN: You two are marks. I’ll tell you that. We’ve got an IMAGE problem when Troy won’t go after Windham! 

DT: Melton rolls Troy back in the ring, and he follows suit. His head still ringing I’m sure, but Joey has Windham up…BRAINBUSTER! Melton dragging Windham to his corner, [TAG!] Figure four! Joey with the Figure Four! Lindsay in the ring [MARK!] and she’s standing over Troy’s body! Refusing to take a shot! 

[Scattered BOOS] 

MN: COME ON! 

DT: Henry Jones calling for he break…as Melton’s not the legal man! Windham screaming in pain, but I think he’s more incensed that Troy won’t touch him! 

DM: Twenty years from now she’ll look back on this and regret not getting the cheap thrill. 

MN: This is our World Champion boys. And she’s already beaten by Windham. What does this say about the company? [CUTTO: Melton breaking the hold and rolling out of the ring.] 

DT: I don’t think it says anything. 

MN: Phift. 

DT: Windham to his feet like he was shot out of a cannon. Face-to-face…Windham again smirking….yelling obscenities! Lindsay…. The fans are BEGGING her….she won’t wrestle! 

MN: This is the man who recently FIREBOMBED her face….and she’s bailing?! I’m, stepping out of characters boys, I’m sick. 

DT: [TAG!] Melton back in…I think he’s surprised at that. Joey in…and Troy…Lindsay’s WALKING OUT?? 

CUTTO: Lindsay Troy off the apron and robotically walking back up the aisle. 

DT: Windham’s incensed! Right hand from Joey to get Troy’s attention! [TAG!] To Karl Brown…Brown in…IRISH WHIP, powerslam by Brown! Melton suplexes Brown up…and down on Troy! [CUTTO: Zoltan rushing in!] Zoltan in…he and Melton going toe-to-toe! Brown whipping Troy to the ropes… [CUTTO: Troy catching himself on the ropes with his arms…tagging August and jumping out of the ring.] 

MN: He’s going after Troy! I don’t blame him! 

CUTTO: Windham spitting blood, tearing up the aisle after Lindsay. 

DM: Neely are you that dumb? 

DT: Zoltan bench press slams Melton! This one has broken open! Brown, fresh…tearing into August! Although, it has to be said either one of us could probably handle that! 

DM: Easy. Rossi claims to have studied with Chuck Norris. 

DT: Zoltan…CALF KICK to Brown! How any man can still stand from that I don’t know, but the Dragon is! Zoltan choke hold, LIFTS BROWN STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR! Melton jumps on Z!’s back…SLEEPER HOLD! 

MN: Let’s get a camera to the back to see Windham tear into the coward! 

DT: Z! Fighting to hold Brown up…but Melton with the sleep hold in tight! Z! fading…stumbling back…. He drops Karl! August now on Brown’s back! Sleeper Hold! Double Sleeper! 

DM: First time since 1981! IN Houston! 

DT: Z! To his knees…he rolls out of the ring….with MELTON STILL ON HIS BACK! Brown dives into a corner, and August crumbles! 

MN: Let’s get a camera back there! Screw this! Windham’s probably got her tapping out, or begging for more by now! 

DT: Zoltan…on his feet somehow! His arms swinging, his movement slurred…it’s a Monster Mash! He’s alivvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve. Those calves are aliiiiiiiiiive! [CUTTO: Brown dropping August with a swinging neckbreaker.] 

DM: La Rossi’s expiration date just hit, Dave. 

DT: Brown, almost bemused, but fueled by the crowd….DRAGONSUPLEX! [MARK!] INTO A PIN! [MARK!] 

CUTTO: Zoltan finally going to his knees, then killing over. Melton breaks the hold, on his knees, relaxed that it’s over. In a FLASH, Z!’s right arm shoots up like in a bad horror film and grips Melton’s throat! HE CAN’T BE KILLED! 

DT: Henry Jones Jr. to count….ONE…………….TWO…………….THREE! [MARK!] 

CUTTO: Zoltan on his feet, backing Melton up in a chokehold. He’s a beast! 

DT: Jones raises Brown’s hands….IT’S OVER! They’ve won it! Troy, Melton, and Karl Brown! 

CUTTO: Melton being backed around the ring in a chokehold. His eyes reddening. 

DM: I think Melton’s dying. 

MN: At the very least you could write a Springsteen song about he misery he’s in. 

ZOLTAN:ZZZZZZZ CALVES! LOOK AT ZZZZ CALVES! 

DT: Melton choked…to his knees! 

ZOLTAN: ZMIRE THE CALVES! ZRAY TO THE CALVES! 

SFX: WHACK! 

[MARK!] 

DT: Karl Brown with a chair to Zoltan’s head! NOTHING! 

SFX: WHACK! WHACK! 

DT: Melton free…but Zoltan on both legs…though the land is unsure. 

SFX: WHACK! 

DT: Goodnight. 

MN: To the back!!! Enough! 

DT: Fans, that’s our time! Thanks for joining us! 

MN: Noooooooooo! 

DM: Neely are you crying? 

DT: Wait! Seconds left…go! Go!