DB: Well, folks, I think it's just about Main Event ti –

[CUE UP: "Beverly Hills" by Weezer. Out from the back comes THE ENTOURAGE... first comes out Z.!, wearing a jacket with gold lame fringe and blue Capri clamdiggers which end at his knees, thus allowing him to flex The World's Greatest Calf Muscles. Following next, mock clapping, is August De La Rossi, wearing a priests collar and a t-shirt that has a cartoon of Venezuelan firebrand Hugo Chavez sitting on a throne with a cartoon of President George W. Bush begging him for mercy. August slowly walks out, sneering at the crowd, pointing at a few fans, and making some comments.

AUGUST: "Ohhh, will you shut up? Talk to me when you burn the new Futureheads album!"

They then start walking up to a podium set up next to the ring ramp.]

MN: Ah, there they are! Troy Windham's Entourage! Look at those calves! Listen to August! The most god-faring and the only man to tell it how it REALLY is. Z! August De La Rossi! I can NOT get enough of these guys.

DM: I think everyone else in this arena will disagree with you.

[August has a microphone and sneers at the crowd. The crowd starts booing and then chants --

CROWD: AUGUST SUCKS D*CK! AUGUST SUCKS D*CK!]

AUGUST: Ooooh, homophobia! How typically American! Why do you think I've denounced my country and have sworn my allegiance to the cause of the Bolivian Revolution and this man, Hugo Chavez, the only leader in the world who is like me and tells it like it is! I hope he starves each and every single one of you of your precious oil...

[More boos from the crowd.]

AUGUST: Here, let me HELP you out, since none of you are bright enough to start it on your own. YOOOOO ESSSS AYYYYY! YOOOO ESS AYYYY! [The crowd starts the chant. August pauses, and then laughs.] Let them hear you in Iraq! Let them hear you in Lebanon! Let them hear you in New Orleans! I still think there's a few people in the Superdome waiting for the almighty American government! The cause of all of the world's problems... the poverty, disease and international capitalist WARFARE that you all propagate is on YOUR shoulders, not mine! That's why I've DENOUNCED AMERICA. That's why I DON'T VOTE. Because NONE OF YOU PEOPLE DESERVE DEMOCRACY!

[The crowd boos and now... garbage starts pouring down on August. Z.! bats down the garbage and kicks it away. August continues to sneer... motioning the fans to throw even MORE at him.]

AUGUST: That's why right now, I will introduce to you my mentor... the man who is ABOVE such a limited conception as a NATION STATE. This man is YOUR KING. This man is your DICTATOR. This man is the man who, at CSWA'S Anniversary GOLD RUSH... THE ONLY EVENT IN THIS SPORT THAT MATTERS... will RETAIN HIS CSWA UNIFIED CHAMPIONSHIP... THE ONLY CHAMPIONSHIP IN THIS SPORT THAT MATTERS.... [the boos and garbage continue] and be officially anointed as THE GREATEST WRESTLER WHO HAS EVER LIVED... the man who will take his rightful place AMONGST THE GODS OF THE SUPERFICIAL CAPITALIST SOCIETY YOU ALL SUPPORT... Ladies and gentlemen... I present to you the man YOU WILL ALL HAIL... and the man who makes Lindsay Troy's clitoris QUIVER... TROOOOYYYYY WIIIINNNDHAAMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CUE UP: A harpists version of Wagner's Bridal Chorus. Slowly, from the back, walks Troy Windham, his hair tousled properly, wearing tinted shades and a white tuxedo with a black bowtie and a matching cumberbun. Troy slowly walks out, holding his arms out as the crowd starts in on him.]

CROWD: WIN DHAM SUCKS! WIN DHAM SUCKS! WIN DHAM SUCKS!

[Troy continues to eat it, slowly walking and laughing like he's heard the punchline to the best joke ever written. Troy pauses for the camera, pulls the shades down to his nose and then flashes his wedding band at the camera. He then spins and walks up to the podium. Z.! steps aside, applauding and then immediately steps behind Troy, standing as a blockade for the Cokes, beers and wadded up paper being thrown his way. August starts proudly applauding, then he salutes Troy, and then kneels and presents him the microphone. Troy thanks him and August gets up, clapping some more. Troy pauses and then taps the microphone so it makes loud feedback noises.]

TROY: [tapping] IS THIS WORKING? [tapping] IS THIS WORKING? This is an EPW microphone, these don't work as well as the microphones I'm used to in the only league that matters... THE CSWA. Of course, you all know me in the CSWA. I'm the Unified Champion there, the holder of the only belt that matters. And I know that all of you are eagerly waiting for August 29th, the night of the Anniversary Pay-Per-View, the night of Gold Rush, when I defeat all of my greatest opponents at once and cement myself as the greatest wrestler who... has... ever.... lived.

AUGUST: You already have, as far as I'm concerned!

TROY: Now, I know the arena's sold out, but I'm truly sorry. I left the CSWA Unified Title back at my compound in Hawaii. I know each and every single one of you people out there bought a ticket to not just see me, but to see the greatest title in this sport up close and personal... but I left it back at the compound since the light that reflects off of the vast array of jewels and diamonds would BLIND each and every single one of you people. But I'm sure my... [Troy sneers] good friend and fearsome opponent Dan Ryan...

[The crowd POPS at the mention of his name. Troy laughs and August takes the mic from him.]

AUGUST: Don't worry folks, you'll see The Epitome retain his undefeated streak against Ryan at Gold Rush! I know, we're ALL excited!

TROY: I'm sure, since you're all disappointed I didn't bring The Big Gold with me, Dan Ryan will offer each and every single ONE of you a refund! That is... if any of you actually PAID for a ticket, since we all know they were giving them out for free all over town right before the show! Just like they give tetanus shots to anyone who has to wade through this garbage!

DT: Why are we even listening to this?

MN: Because we're lucky! We're so honored!

TROY: Now... the last time you saw me step foot in an EPW arena... you saw what happened. The Wedding Of The Century. I, along with the avant-garde dancers of the ballet company I am a trustee of... came out here for the celebration of a lifetime! You all witnessed it, but let me remind you of what happened. After your world champion Lindsay Troy defeated the so-called best this company has to offer... I came out of the crowd and did what she... AND EVERY WOMAN ALIVE DREAMS OF... I took Lindsay Troy and I MARRIED HER. I took that awkward, scared little girl... and I singlehandedly transformed her into the woman you saw before you now... I took her hand and marriage AND MADE HER MY PROPERTY!

[Troy shows the crowd his wedding band. The crowd boos.]

AUGUST: My mentor here ALLOWED an ant like Lindsay Troy to marry him... A GOD! But Troy Windham, he is a benevolent god... so let's tell these people your offer!

TROY: Lindsay Troy, it has come to my attention that you're still fighting your raw, primal sexual urges and questioning this. You could make me my omelettes and rub my feet every morning the rest of my life... and not only that, but, Lindsay Troy, from the way your mouth works, I'd bet I'd make really good use of that, too! You'd love being on your knees before me, servicing your KING! But, Lindsay Troy, I am giving you an opportunity to get out of this... I will grant you a divorce and, aside from CSWA Gold Rush, leave you alone for the rest of your career if you do one thing for me...

AUGUST: And what's that, boss?

TROY: BRING ME MY TITLE.

DT: How dare he! It's not his at all!!

TROY: Lindsay Troy... WINDHAM. if you want a divorce, if you want me to stop publicly humiliating you and physically beating you... if you, for some reason, don't want to spend all of eternity at my beck and call... I want you to present me with the EPW World Title so I can take it with me... and then throw it off of a CSWA Cruise Ship into the bottom of the ocean where it BELONGS! So what's it going to be, Mrs. Windham?

[CUE UP: "Chip Away The Stone" by Aerosmith. The crowd leaps up UNANIMOUSLY at Lindsay Troy's music. Only, there's a pause.]

TROY: Come on out, Lindsay! Don't be shy, I promise you, I'll save the sex for behind closed doors--

[Lindsay Troy comes walking out at that point, solemnly, EPW World Title around her waist. Her head's down. She looks up at Troy with pure hatred and disgust, who blows her a kiss and then waves his ring finger at her. Lindsay then looks down at the title, and then back at Troy.]

AUGUST: GET UP HERE! GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW, YOU B*TCH!

[Z.! sternly points at Lindsay to walk up the stairs. Lindsay compliantly walks up the steps to Troy. August stands between them, as Troy cackles in delight.]

AUGUST: So, Mrs. Windham... what's it going to be? Do you want to stay married to this man for all of eternity and have him beat you with a frat paddle until you give him your title? Or are you going to take the easy way out and give him the belt now?

[Lindsay looks down... holding her head like she's crying.]

LINDSAY: Troy... if I give this to you... you'll quit? Just like that? Pack up and be out of EPW and out of my life?

TROY: Yes, Lindsay. You heard me. Like everything I've always said... it's the GOSPEL.

LINDSAY: And all I have to do... is give you the EPW title and you'll leave?

TROY: Yeah, Lindsay. Give it to me now.

[Lindsay pauses and looks out to the fans, who are frothing at the mouth with their chants of DON'T YOU DO IT! DON'T YOU DO IT! ]

LINDSAY: As much as this title means to me, and as much as all the support has meant to me...I'm left with little choice.

[She looks down at the belt strapped around her waist, then painstakingly unfastens it and folds it neatly in her hands. Holding it there for a moment, she slowly offers it forward to Windham.]

AUGUST: Boss, she's really doing it --

[Instantly, Lindsay jerks the title back and RAMS it right into Troy Windham's nose. She dives right on top of him, throwing a series of vicious, unchecked punches all over his face...the bridge of his nose, his cheeks, his perfectly sculpted jaw as the crowd EXPLODES! August then grabs Lindsay from behind, and she tosses him over her head with little effort and then thrust-kicks him right in the throat! August is writhing from the shot, but from behind comes Z.!, who levels Lindsay with a diving tackle from behind. Z.! starts growling in Lindsay's face, using his forearms to keep her down while she struggles under his weight. Troy gets up, and wipes blood from his nose.]

TROY: That b*tch broke my nose! She broke my nose! Get her up! Get her up, Z.! I'm going to end her career right here!

[Z.! picks Lindsay up and short-arm clotheslines her back to the stage. August, holding his throat and coughing, starts laying the boots to her. Z.! then gets her up in a full-nelson.]

TROY: I'm going to slap the sh*t out of you, just like my wife deserves! And then I'm going to SlackKnife you right off of this stage!

[Troy gently slaps Lindsay in the face once. But then, the crowd starts SCREAMING. From behind, there's a figure dressed in a mixture of black and camo --]

DT: IT'S JOEY MELTON! IT'S JOEY MELTON! AND --

[SMACK! CLANG! Joey swings a chair right into Z.!'s back, sending him to the ground. Troy ducks as Joey wildly swings the chair, and he falls backwards down the stairs. Lindsay is SCREAMING at Troy, who is hightailing it out of there, but instead of following, she turns her attention to Z!. She kicks him right in the nuts, and Joey CROWNS him with a shot right to his head. Z.! rolls down the ring. Joey has the chair over his head, like he's going to throw it on Z.!, when August grabs it from behind.]

DT: LINDSAY TROY JUST BELTED AUGUST IN THE MOUTH! AUGUST FALLS DOWN! JOEY IS BEATING HIM WITH THE CHAIR! HE'S GOING TO KILL HIM! NOW LINDSAY GRABS HIM BY THE DREADLOCKS... YES! YES! SHE HAS HIM... AND.... OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[August makes a sound crashing through a table 10 feet beneath him.]

DT: SHE JUST POWERBOMBED AUGUST DE LA ROSSI THROUGH A TABLE AT RINGSIDE! SHE JUST POWERBOMBED AUGUST DE LA ROSSI! I ONLY WISH TROY WINDHAM DIDN'T HIGHTAIL IT BACK ONTO HIS PRIVATE JET SO HE COULD HAVE SEEN THIS!

CROWD: LIND-SAY! LIND-SAY! LIND-SAY!

[Joey eggs the crowd on with the chant while Lindsay grabs the mic.]

LINDSAY: Windham...you'll get this footage later on tonight, no doubt when some doctor is trying realign your nose with the rest of your face When you're getting fitted for your nasal splint, you'd better take the time to realize that you've opened up a bigger can of words than you're prepared to deal with. This is far from over, Troy, and in the end there WILL be only one Windham left standing and it sure as F**K won't be you.