[CUT TO: What appears to be some kind of faux press conference, packed complete with the immoderate popping of flashbulbs and a denizen of busy journalists [or actors portraying journalists] pretending to engage in serious discussion about whatever catastrophic announcement is about to be made. Standing before them at a makeshift podium is SHAWN HART, with the World's Strongest Fat Guy, Tiny, in tow. As if by cue, the reporters suddenly become silent as the Muff Daddy steps to the microphone.]

HART: "Good evening. Now, I know we all have busy lives... and I don't want to take up any more of your time, my time, or any of the thousands.... nay MILLIONS watching at home, so I'll get right to it."

[He takes a deep breath. The nervous gulp that follows echoes throughout the conference room.]

HART: "It is undeniable that at least 14 people worldwide have been in a furor over my recent exploits in EPW, wondering just why it was that my performance in a recent pay-per-view match with one J.... A.... was so below the standard that I have set for myself in becoming a star in the industry, a guy who's beaten Jean Rabesque, who's beaten Doc Silver, who's beaten Lindsay Troy and Jonathan Marx and like 8,000 other A-list grapplers. It's even been purported by some that my match with JA was such a farce, such a let down by yours truly, that the only logical explanation is that I've developed some kind of chemical dependency, heinous drug habit, or disgusting addiction to male on male pornography..."

[Momentarily, the reporters whisper at each other in an inordinately loud manner. Meanwhile, Hart does his best to squeeze out some tears.]

HART: "This, my fine journalistic friends, is where the denial comes into play. Because with GOD as my witness... with a hand to my heart and a thumb up my backside, I can HONESTLY say that Shawn Jessica Hart has never and WILL never take illegal drugs or look at obscene photographs of a sexual nature."

[He shakes his head in disgust, then continues.]

HART: "I fully admit and realize that my match with JA was not what some of you were expecting, but for people to go and make such crass claims against a guy with such impeccable character, a guy with a history of countless great matches under his belt and, perhaps most importantly of all, a guy with beautiful, shimmering locks of gorgeous blonde hair, isn't just spiteful and irresponsible... but hurtful, degrading, and
just plain HATEFUL!"

[The reporters collectively lower their heads in shame.]

HART: "I mean sure, Joey Melton and I once performed oral sex acts on each other, but that was college and we were just experimenting. And as far as that match was concerned, my sister Felicia was totally PMS'ing that day, so all of my strength was devoted to nurturing her through a difficult and confusing time. Needless to say,
the whole sordid affair left me pretty drained to be rollin' around the ring with some JACKHOLE like JA. But ya know what? That's OK, because Felicia is family, and family comes first."

[He pauses to drink a whole glass of water. Not just a sip... the whole glass of water, all the while allowing his countless swallows to deafen the room over the PA. Finally, he resumes his statement.]

HART: "That's the thing here that I want everyone to know.... that SJH is a family man. The kind of man that wants to make his family proud. I now realize that in my match with JA, I didn't do that. I hurt my family. Kicked them in the nuts, spit in their cereal, and borrowed their Thompson Twins tape without asking. But ya know what? I'm gonna make it right. You bet your booty! Cuz I'm here tonight, to say to all of you from the very bottom of my broken heart that, if ever you find you're not happy with what I'm
doing or feeling like I've let you down..."

[Looooooooong pause.]

HART: "... The whole lot of you can eat my delectable derriere with a SPOON, you pompous SWINE!! I'm better than aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall of you hosers!! And if the
EPW fan base or the EPW locker room wants to take issue with that, they can step right up and I'll beat them like I beat my meat to Hillary Duff flicks, baby!! Cuz I'm Shawn Jessica Hart, PhD... rockin' a jiggy degree in PHENOM-ology! The heavyweight CHAMP of Botswana, sexing your sister and ROCKIN' your MAMA; the Prime Minister of GETTIN' SINISTER, first I'll spread Troy's legs and then I'll FINISH HER, and so on and so forth! 'N starting next week on Aggression, this place is FINALLY gonna see just what that means! Think I'm joking? Try me and I'll dump on you soooo bad that your brother's dentist will smell it! Good night... and thank you for your time! The PHENOM has left the building!"

DM: Well….that was….something.

DT: Folks, we do nothing but promise you absolutely great action here in Empire Pro, and coming up next is going to be nothing short of just that.

DM: The Television Title has been here in EPW for just a short time, but it has been nothing but extreme excitement since its inception.

MN: The only excitement this title has seen was when Adam Benjamin was the holder. This Mike Evers guy does nothing but make my head hurt when I watch him.

DT: How can you say that, Neels? Mike Evers has been nothing but a spark plug here in EPW.

MN: Yeah, well, that’s your opinion.

EPW Television Championship
"Da Bomb" Mike Evers (c) vs. "PHENOMENAL" Frankie Scott


[“Phenomenon” by Thousand Foot Krutch plays over the arena speakers. A full video rolls on the huge EPW-tron of Frankie wrestling stars like Dan Ryan and the Sergeant, doing an interview and signing autographs. Fans cheer loudly as “Phenomenal” Frankie Scott runs out and stops in the middle of the runway looks back at the video and then points toward the fans as pyrotechnics blow all around him. Scott emerges from the smoke to run around the ring and shake all the fans hands. After he finishes, he hops on the ring apron and leaps over the ropes to rush to each turnbuckle for a photo opportunity for the fans.]

DT: So what’s your take on Frankie Scott then, Neels?

MN: Bout the same. His only glimmer of light was helping The Sensational One destroy Irishred on pay-per-view. Everything else screams Evers to me.

["Pass The Shirley Temple" by Dahv cues up, and the crowd cheers. Then, "Da Bomb" Mike Evers comes out of the entrance way to a good crowd reaction. Evers walks his way to the ring with a smile on his face, alongside his manager, Wisconsin Bill.]

DM: Well, regardless of what Mike Neely may think, these fans here are certainly pumped to see Mike Evers come out here tonight and put that TV Title on the line.

DT: I have to agree, Dean. And I must also say that I, too, am also ready to see this match get underway.

DM: Well, it doesn’t appear as though we’ll have to wait much longer. The ref is holding up the title and calling for the bell!

[DING DING DING]

DT: Both men step to the middle of the ring here. There’s a collar and elbow. Evers gets the quick advantage as he locks Scott in a side headlock. Scott quickly fires back and presses Evers off and into the ropes…

DM: Big shoulder block by Evers! He quickly bounces off the adjacent ropes…

DT: But Scott hits the deck! Evers rebounds into the other ropes…

DM: Leap frog by Scott! Evers rebounds one more time…

DT: Big hip toss by Frankie Scott! He bounces off the ropes…

DM: And Scott goes for the rolling senton splash, but Evers moves out of the way!

DT: Evers quickly off the ropes himself, now. He rebounds…

DM: Elbow drop!

DT: Evers is going to stay right on the attack though. He reaches down and pulls Scott up to his feet. Nice forearm to the face as he backs Scott up a step. Evers reaches down…

DM: Big scoop slam! Scott quickly sits up and grabs his back…

DT: Shining Wizard by Mike Evers! He’s going for the pin here…

1…

2…

Kickout by Scott!

MN: Has this match ended yet?

DM: Are you kidding? This match is really high octane, Neels!

MN: It doesn’t take much to get you going, does it, Matthews?

DM: These fans seem pretty into this match also.

MN: They’re morons, Matthews. You’re supposed to be an analyst.

DM: I am. And I’m analyzing a great match here!

DT: Guys, Evers is still going at it here. He’s pulled Frankie Scott back up again. He locks Evers in a side leglock…

DM: Russian Leg Sweep! NO! Frankie Scott held onto the top rope! Evers hit the mat right on the back of his head!

DT: Scott stumbles to the other side of the ring as he tries to regain his bearings. He quickly shakes the cobwebs loose and hits the ropes…

DM: Big flying clothesline there by Scott!

DT: Evers is down and Scott is trying to take control of this match. He pulls Evers back up to his feet now. There’s a front facelock. Scott now lifts Evers into the air…

DM: Nice vertical suplex into a neckbreaker there by Scott! He’s obviously trying to wear down that neck area as he sets up Evers for that Phenom Drop of his.

DT: Scott does not stop. He quickly bounces off the ropes and now catches Evers with a nice leg drop. He quickly reaches over and hooks a leg…

1…

2…

Kickout by Evers!

DM: Scott is not happy with that count, but he continues.

DT: Frankie is back to his feet and he pulls Evers with him. Scott nails Evers with several well-placed knife-edge chops as he backs him into the ropes. There’s an Irish whip…

DM: And now a spinebuster from Scott! He’s really taking it to the champ here. He makes another pin…

1…

2…

Kickout!

DT: Again, Scott gives a glare to the ref, but he will continue nonetheless.

MN: Why’s this guy getting mad because he can’t wrestle? He should have already known that.

DT: I don’t think that’s why he’s upset.

MN: That would be why I was upset. Especially if I was trying to wrestle and I couldn’t.

DT: You know what? Nevermind. Scott back on the attack again. He whips Evers across the ring again…

DM: Evers ducks a clothesline! He quickly turns…

DT: Back suplex by Evers!

DM: Both men are down now and it’s a race to their feet!

DT: Evers has the edge now. He slowly rises as he catches his breath, waiting for Scott to get back up.

DM: Scott is up now.

DT: He charges at Evers, looking for a double axe handle. But Evers catches him with a kick to the midsection!

DM: DDT! Evers managed to catch Scott there! He needs to make a cover and does…

1…

2…

Kickout!

DT: Both men slowly back up again. Scott staggers toward Evers…

DM: Snap suplex!

DT: Evers is back in control here! Scott is stumbling around. He swings at Evers…

DM: But Evers ducks the blow! Reverse waistlock...

DT: German suplex into a bridge…

1…

2…

3-NO! Evers almost retained there!

DM: These men are really going at it here. Both are refusing to give up!

DT: Evers pulls Scott back up to his feet here. He swings a right…

DM: But Scott blocks it! He nails Evers with a right of his own! And another!

DT: Scott with a waistlock…

DM: Belly-to-belly suplex! Scott is back on the attack again!

DT: He is up and waiting for Evers to get back up. Evers stumbles to Scott, who grabs him a standing headscissors. He could be looking for the Phenom Drop…

DM: But Evers stands up, sending Scott flying with a high back body drop!

DT: Scott clinches his back and tries to stand back up. Evers makes his way to Scott and nails him with a kick to the midsection.

DM: Da Powerbomb! Evers nailed Scott with that sit-out powerbomb out of nowhere! There’s the pin…

1…

2…

3!!!

[DING DING DING]

TF: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner… and STILL EPW Television Champion… “Da Bomb” MIIIIIIIIIKKKKEEE EEEEEEVVVVEEERRRRRSSSS!

DT: Evers has retained here tonight on Aggression! What a match it was though!

DM: Indeed, both of these men put on one hell of a show, but it’s really a shame that one of these guys had to lose.

MN: It’s a shame these guys had to be in the ring at the same time. It almost bored me to death.

DT: Fans, pay no attention to Mike Neely. We all know that you loved these two in this match, and we can only hope to bring you even more action like this as the night goes along. Don’t go anywhere fans, we’ll be right back!

NEXT