TF: Th’ following contest is for one fall, and is for the EPW World Tag Team Championships! Introducing first, the challengers…
[CUE UP: “Take Me Out” Franz Ferdinand. August De La Rossi and the Mysterious Zoltan enter to MASSIVE crowd heat.]
TF: At a combined weight of 500 pounds exactly…THE MYSTERIOUS ZOLTAN…AUGUST DE LA ROSSI…THE ENTOURRRRRRAAGGGGEEEE!!!!!!
DT: Lindsay Troy nowhere to be found…
DM: This could be interesting….
[Crowd continues to boo as “Take Me Out” fades out, to be replaced by “Don’t Worry Be Happy” Bobby McFerrin as all three members of the HPSC walk through the curtain, which does not lessen the crowd’s displeasure by much.]
TF: And their opponents, hailing from Highland Park, Illinois and weighing in at a combined weight of 474 pounds, accompanied to the ring by Richard Farnswirth, they are the REIGNING and DEFENDING EPW World Tag Team Champions…CHIP FRIENDLY…SLAMBO THE CLOWN…THE HIGHLAND PARK SOOOOOOOOOOCIIIIIIIIAAAALLLL CLUB!!!!!
DT: So in their first title defense, it’ll be Chip and Slambo taking up the banner for the Club while Farnswirth sits on the sidelines. And apparently Lindsay Troy is declining to join The Entourage and take up Troy Windham on his offer.
MN: That’s the problem with her, never doing as she’s told, doesn’t know her place.
[SFX: **dingdingding**]
DT: There’s the bell and here we go! It’ll be August De La Rossi starting this off for the Entourage and Chip Friendly in there for the HPSC.
MN: Chipper may be Everyone’s Best Friend, but my man August is the absolute and unfiltered shiznit!
DM: Thanks for the outdated slang, Mikey.
MN: Just doin’ my part.
DT: These two lightning-quick competitors lock up, and Friendly gets a quick go behind and a hammerlock. Cinches it in, then hooks the head…reverse suplex variation…August flips out!
DM: He may not have much experience, but August does have tremendous agility and a certain panachè in the ring.
MN: Like I said, shiznit.
DM: Liked I said…CRAM IT.
MN: Yessir.
DM: Good boy. Want a yum-yum?
MN: **pants like dog**
DM: Moron.
DT: August playing to the crowd, asking for their praise of his escape, but he’s getting none of it! He turns around…straight into a blistering knife edged chop from Chip! And another! Whips August into the ropes…off he comes…clothesline ducked…but he catches August with a kneelift to the midsection on the rebound!
DM: That’s Chip’s tremendous wrestling savvy showing right there. He’s a former amateur champ, and, like him or not, he knows his way around the ring as well as anyone.
DT: August rises again, and Chip meets him with a single leg shot and a takedown. Chip working from the top in the referee’s position, textbook freestyle wrestling technique from the former All-American…and he hooks a quick cradle…August’s shoulders are on the mat…
One…
And a quick kickout! Certainly not enough to end it yet, but he’s pulled August off his game in the early going here.
MN: **still panting like an attention-starved puppy**
DT: Neely, are you STILL waiting for that treat?
MN: **still panting**
DM: Neely? Neelster? DUDE! SNAP THE HELL OUT OF IT!
MN: Huh? What? Wha’ happen?
DM: Dude, you were acting like a dog for like two minutes!
MN: I was? No! Naw! No way!
DT/DM: Way.
DT: Too many therapy appointments with Dr. Pavlov?
MN: Huh? What? I don’t get it?
DT/DM: Didn’t think so.
MN: WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
DT: Just do your job.
MN: Which is…
DM: Oh, for chrissakes…
[Dean smacks Neely hard on the back of the head, jogging Neely out of his bout of stupidity. In the ring, Chip continues to work on a stunned August, whipping him hard into the turnbuckle before catching him with a quick snap suplex and working in a side headlock.]
DT: Chip cranks the pressure up on August’s neck, trying to wear out the high flyer and sap his energy early on.
MN: Or, you know, rest hold.
DM: Back now?
MN: Yep.
DM: Better?
MN: All kinds.
DT: August fires a couple of elbows to Friendly’s sternum, and springs him off the ropes to break the hold. Springboard by De La Rossi…and a terrific springboard spinning leg lariat to take out Chip Friendly! August over to his corner, and in comes The Mysterious Zoltan with the tag.
MN: Ladies and gentlemen, rise and shine…IT’S BUTT-WHIPPING TIME!
DM: Because Zoltan is too tough for Chip, or because Zoltan doesn’t have a thimble’s worth of real wrestling ability in his body.
MN: Umm, a little from Column A, a little from Column B.
DT: Zoltan in, and he charges at Chip and rams him into the turnbuckle! Zoltan grabs a hold of the middle ropes and thrusts forward, slamming his massive shoulder right into Chip’s gut! And again! And again! ONE MORE TIME! And Chip Friendly collapses to the mat!
MN: Heheh, you said “thrusts”.
DM: Are you nine?
MN: I know you are, but what am I?
DM: Gee, thanks Pee Wee.
DT: Chip’s halfway up, but the Innovator of Friendship is blasted back down with a clubbing forearm right to his upper back. Up he comes again, and he’s hit with a kick right to the sternum!
MN: That’s gonna welt up a fair bit. Zoltan’s got a really big boot.
DM: How big?
MN: I don’t know. It’s MYSTERIOUS!
DM: Yeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhh.
DT: Chip Friendly reeling right now against the hulking Mysterious Zoltan. Zoltan sets chip in the corner, whips him across the ring…here comes the cavalry charge…HUGE RUNNING AVALANCHE!!! He scoops him up, running powerslam! The cover…
ONE…
TWO…
NO!!! Chip Friendly kicks out of that ring-shaking powerslam from Zoltan! The big man wasting no time, has him up again…
DM: Butterfingers!
DT: Chip slips out! He dashes to his corner and makes the tag! Here comes Slambo!
MN: Man, how weird is it that you look to a big clown for your salvation?
DT: Slambo is in…and Slambo hits the deck! Zoltan charged right at him and clotheslined him straight to the mat! He stalks over Slambo, grabs him by the shoulders…up he goes…SIT OUT POWERBOMB!!! We could have new tag team champs…
ONE…
TWO…
THRNOOO!!!! Slambo gets the shoulder up! But that had to take the wind right out of him!
[CUT TO: Split-screen replay of Slambo’s back being driven into the canvas in slo-mo.]
DT: Zoltan drags Slambo over into the corner, and he tags in August De La Rossi. Here comes the double team for the Entourage.
MN: Man, if Troy was in this match, they wouldn’t even need a double team. He’s four men at once, all by himself!
DM: Are we sure you didn’t marry Windham too, Neels?
MN: Umm, no…of course not…uhhhhhh…uhhhh….JERK!
DM: Snappy.
DT: The Entourage combine to work over Slambo, who’s been isolated far away from his tag team partner and best friend Chip Friendly. Zoltan and August exchanging tags, smartly preventing a disqualification.
DM: Terrific, textbook tag wrestling from two guys with about as much experience as a…
DT: Please, Dean, don’t even give Mike the chance.
DM: Kay.
DT: Standing head scissors by Zoltan, up goes Slambo…POWERBOMB with a neckbreaker dropped in from August at the last second! The big man pins…
ONE…
TWO…
FOOT ON THE ROPES!!!! The referee sees it and the count is broken!
MN: He’s a clown, but he’s a smart clown.
DM: Graduated top of his class at Krusty’s Klown Kollege.
DT: August is heading up top, he and Zoltan want to finish this right now. Slambo in the electric chair position…August flies…AND HITS HIS PARTNER!!!! Slambo arched back and dropped out at the last second, and August nailed his partner with a missile dropkick! Zoltan’s down, August is in shock!
DM: August is in trouble!
DT: Boot to the gut by Slambo…DDT! The pin…
ONE…
TWO…
THHHRRRRR…Broken up by Zoltan! The Club was moments away from retaining! The referee is warning Zoltan to get back in his corner…
DM: Shenanigans!
MN: Trickeration!
DT: Low-blow by August De La Rossi! Blatant cheating! Slambo hunched over, and he doubles over and stumbles into the official. De La Rossi prancing around the ring like a chicken with it’s head cut off…
DM: Tomfoolery!
MN: Monkeyshines!
DT: Low-blow through the ropes from Chip Friendly! Both teams aren’t below underhandedness to win this one! Both legal men are doubled over! August comes after Slambo…met with a Spear!!! Off the ropes comes the big Clown…and he drops the knee right across August’s chest!
MN: Ouchies.
DM: You are so not cool, Neely.
MN: Am too.
DM: [under his breath] Ouchies. Ha!
DT: Children, please. Quiet down. Slambo with the irish whip…SPINEBUSTER! Now the double underhook…Joy Buzzer…NOOOOO!!!! On the way up August hit Slambo with a kick to the face and flipped out! Slambo dazed…SLACKNIFE!!!! August hit him with Troy Windham’s patented Slacknife neckbreaker! He goes up top, this one’s over if he hits this…
DM: Whoops!
DT: Chip Friendly just nonchalantly tripped August De La Rossi on the top rope and crotched him!
MN: Groin pain. Bad. Very, very bad.
DT: Slambo recovers, hooks him up top…SUPERPLEX! He pins…
ONE…
TWO…
NOT THIS TIME!!!! Desperate kickout from August De La Rossi and the Entourage is still in this one!
DM: For how long, who the hell knows!
DT: Slambo’s over in his corner, and he makes the tag. In comes Chip, he pulls August upright, and chops him straight across the chest once more! Chip with the irish whip…diving forearm! He’s completely in control! Shoots him off again…inverted atomic drop…flows through…German Suplex!
MN: Chipperooni is dominating the smaller man right now.
DM: Wow, cogent analysis, Neely.
MN: Thanks.
DT: You just wanted to say “Chipperooni”, didn’t you?
MN: [sadly] Yeah.
DT: Chip’s got it under control now. Up comes August…SMILEY FACE!!! He’s locked in that Smiley Face nerve hold! He’s writhing around…stumbling…and sends Chip directly into a HUGE haymaker from Zoltan to break the hold. Lucky break…SLEEPERHOLD!
DM: That was quick!
DT: August recovered quickly and locks in the sleeper, and now we’re stumbling in the other direction!
MN: Rock-a-bye Chipper, on the tree top…
DT: Chip’s on the long train to dreamland, stumbling back…he’s closer to his corner…sticks his right arm out!
DM: What a genius!
DT: Chip is reaching back for the tag, and August doesn’t notice! He’s stumbling…still stumbling…MAKES THE TAG! Bouncing off the ropes he breaks the hold, August turns around…
MN: Freight Clown comin’ through!
DT: Slambo nearly TAKES HIS HEAD OFF with a lariat! Chip picks him up…EXPLODER SUPLEX!!! AND HERE COMES LINDSAY TROY!!!
DM: Uh oh, here’s where it gets interesting!!
DT: Lindsay Troy on her way to the ring!!
DM: Here comes Zoltan! Richard Farnswirth looking over at Troy and making her way to the side of the ring she’s approaching!
DT: All four men in the ring, but Slambo and August are the legal men! Slambo with August…PILEDRIVER! Zoltan stuns Chip with a forearm…looks for the big slam…Chip escapes…and clips the knee! Off the ropes he comes…CROSS BODY BLOCK!!! He knocked Zoltan out of the ring!
DM: And just in time!
DT: Troy and Farnswirth staring each other down on the outside!! Zoltan takes a swipe at Farnswirth’s leg, distracting him and there goes Troy sprinting up and into the ring!!
MN: Hey! Clownie, you can’t do that to an ordained priest! Let him go!
DT: JOY BUZZER!!!! Butterfly powerbomb by Slambo the Clown! The cover…
ONE…
TWO…
LINDSAY TROY BREAKS THE COUNT!!!
[SFX: Bell rings]
DT: HSPC RETAIN!
DM: That was gonna be it!
DT: De La Rossi now scrambling out of the ring to the outside and helping Zoltan up!! Slambo takes a right hand from Troy! Troy with another for Chip Friendly, but here comes Farnswirth!! OHHHH!! And he just blasted the World Champion with a chair right between the eyes!!!
DM: Where in the hell are THEY going????
[Camera shot of Zoltan and August De La Rossi walking backward up the ramp, smiling at what’s going on in the ring.]
DT: They’re ditching Lindsay Troy!! It was a set up!
MN: Of course! Troy Windham is brilliant!! He’ll never let her go!
DT: Richard Farnswirth in the ring pulling Lindsay Troy to her feet and he’s just screaming in her face!! He takes her and OHHH Market Crash!!!! Slambo now pulling her up!!! Joy Buzzer!!! My God someone do something!!!
DM: The Highland Park Social Club is dismantling the World Champion!!
DT: Chip Friendly now pulling her up!! HERE COMES JOEY MELTON!!! MELTON IS BACK!!!
MN: No way!! He’s supposed to be locked up!! This is a clear violation!!
DT: Melton stops short of the melee…[In earshot of the mics around the ring we hear Melton say “out on bond, baby!”] And now Melton in taking on all three!! Right hand to Farnswirth!! Chop to Chip Friendly!! Slambo gets a shot in!! Melton fighting valiantly but now all three members of the Highland Park Social Club working on Joey Melton!! And Lindsay Troy is still out cold!!
DM: Well, he gave it a shot. There’s just too many of them though.
DT: All three kicking away at Joey Melton!! Farnswirth ordering Chip and Slambo to bring Melton to his feet now….they have him up and…is that someone coming through the crowd??
DM: I can’t really get a good look from here…..
[Big pop from the crowd as someone hops the rail and starts up the turnbuckle.]
DT: CAMERON CRUISE!! HE’S PERCHED UP TOP!! CHIP AND SLAMBO TURN AROUND AND CRUISE HITS A DOUBLE MISSILE DROPKICK!!! THEY GO FLYING!!! FARNSWIRTH IS IN SHOCK AND MELTON GOES TO THE MAT!!
DM: CCP IN THE HOUSE!!
DT: Cruise in Richard Farnswirth’s face!! They’re trading lefts and rights!! Lindsay Troy is up!! She taps Farnswirth on the shoulder, he turns and she backhands him right across the jaw!!! Farnswirth holding his mouth!! Chip Friendly is up but Cameron Cruise clotheslines him over the top to the floor!! Slambo up!! Lindsay Troy with a dropkick sends him flying!!! Melton now comes to his senses!! He’s up!! Cruise whips Farnswirth right at Melton!! Melton takes him by the head and leaps over the rope, snapping his neck down over the top rope!!! Farnswirth staggering into the ring!! Troy takes a head of hair and sends him flying over the other side of the ring to the floor!!!
[Huge mega-pop]
DT: Lindsay Troy and the erstwhile Cameron Cruise Project standing tall!!!
DM: Did we just see a reunion!?!?
DT: Joey Melton up and smiling and staring at Cruise! He opens his arms and smirks, head cocked….Cruise rolls his eyes…and gives a hug to his former partner!! All three standing tall here on Aggression!!! We’ll be right back!!