[Cut to Tony Fatora in the ring.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen… making his return to Empire Pro Wrestling…
[“Iron Man” by Black Sabbath hits the PA. The spotlight hits the top of the rampway.]
TF: Please welcome back… RRRROCKOOOOOO DAAAAAYYYYYMOOOOONNNN!!!!
[Daymon appears at the top of the rampway, adorned in jeans, a black dress shirt, and sunglasses. He holds his arms out at his sides in the standard crucifix pose, greeted by a favorable crowd reaction, and makes his way down to the ring.]
DT: Love him or hate him, he’s back.
MN: Eh… it’s not that I hate him. It’s that I could care less.
[The timekeeper hands Rocko a mic as he removes the sunglasses and steps into the ring. The music ends. Daymon stands in the center of the ring absorbing the cheers for a few moments before raising the mic.]
RD: I must say… I’ve truly missed all you, the fans of Empire Pro.
[He gets a good pop.]
RD: And it seems many of you missed me as well. Now that I’m back from a couple years of “soul searching”, I’ve returned to you, the fans. To Empire Pro, the federation I consider my home, though maybe I haven’t been around as long as some of the legends around here, and maybe I haven’t made quite an impact.
But I was here since the beginning… with Beast, and Benjamin, and Douglas, and Ryan. Because I left, I missed out on a couple great years where Empire Pro’s finest helped craft this place into one of the greatest and most renowned federations on the market. It hurts me knowing I wasn’t a part of that…
All is not lost, however. Now that I’m back, I can help carry this fed into a new era…
MN: My God… whatever era this guy carries us into, I’m sure it will be lifeless and boring.
RD: You see, Empire Pro has many fine talents, I’ve noticed… but very few out there represent the IDEAL professional wrestler. They lack the respect… the attitude… the dedication. Sometimes one of those things, sometimes all of them.
In the time I’ve been away from Empire Pro, I’ve thought long and hard about what it means to lace up your boots and step into this ring. And through every match I’ve been in, I’ve come just a little bit closer to finding an answer.
MN: Oh, please… now he’s going to bore us to death with his ring philosophy.
DT: The man is talking, Mike!
DM: Yeah, but when he talks, it usually goes on for hours…
RD: So now I’m back, for you, the fans. I’m here again to show you all just what this ideal I speak of really is. I’m here to be that warrior… that man… that TRUE professional—
“Don’t even say it, Rocko!”
[“Final Countdown” by Europe hits the PA. The crowd comes alive as Adam Benjamin appears at the top of the ramp and makes his way down to the ring, mic in hand, scowling.]
MN: Thank God, the Savior has come to free me from Rocko Daymon!
DT: Adam Benjamin? What could he have to say to Rocko to interrupt his welcome back speech?
DM: Benjamin and Daymon have always had a rivalry across various feds. Let’s not forget it was Rocko that eliminated Adam Benjamin from the World Title tournament in Empire Pro’s earliest days.
DT: This might get ugly.
[Benjamin steps into the ring and the music ends. Daymon turns back to the crowd.]
AB: Shut up, Rocko. Just SHUT THE HELL UP!! It’s a wonder these fans can sit here and stomach your crap without vomiting all over each other!
MN: He’s got a point…
AB: You want to sit here and talk about being a “true” professional wrestler… about being the man with the attitude and determination and respect. But where was any of that in you, Rocko, years ago, when you hung up the boots and RETIRED?!
[Benjamin turns to the audience.]
AB: Fans… as you SAVIOR, I beg you… don’t listen to the LIES of this hack! He might come out and talk about what it means to be a professional wrestler… but I ask you, does a TRUE professional wrestler WALK AWAY from the greatest federation in the industry? Does he turn his back on the fans and on his dreams, just because he believes he’s not good enough to CUT IT with the rest?
And suddenly a couple years come around, and here he thinks he can come back and all will be forgiven. People, are you going to accept this slimeball with open arms? The very man who GAVE UP on you because he lacked the spine to be a man?
[The audience begins to boo, although whether this is directed toward Adam or Rocko is not clear.]
AB: Over the past couple years, guys like ME have been turning this federation into one of the best in the industry! And yet you want to sit here and whine about missing it? You gave up, Rocko! Say it with me… YOU… GAVE… UP!!
MN: Damn right!
[The boos intensify. Rocko raises the mic to say something, but suddenly hears a chant forming in the crowd, saying “You Gave Up!” Still others, in support, begin chanting “Bull****!”]
DT: Looks like the audience has differing opinions on this matter…
[With a shake of his head, Daymon leaves the ring.]
AB: Welcome back, Rocko! Now get the HELL out of the ring I made!
[Rocko waves him off and goes back up the rampway. Benjamin, wearing a triumphant grin, finds the time to pose for his fans. Half of them cheer, and the other half boo with disgust. Trash is thrown into the ring and onto the rampway after the departing Rocko. “Final Countdown” begins to play.]
DM: Sounds like Benjamin is calling out Rocko Daymon…
MN: Nah, he was just out there to tell the truth. Daymon doesn’t DESERVE to come back to Empire Pro! Listen to the fans… He gave up! Are we supposed to forgive a quitter?
DT: Either way, it seems as though Rocko Daymon’s return won’t be as warm-hearted as he may have expected. And what will happen now that Adam Benjamin has turned many fans against him?
MN: Probably turn tail and run again…
DT: Fans, many thought it would be an EPW first-and-only time we broadcast a match via satellite last week. Well, here on Aggression this week, yet again, we have the joy of broadening our horizons and exploring the world thanks in large part to Mr. Irishred.
MN: Usually, this is where I would throw in my trump statement to totally take down everything you just said. But quite frankly, this guy has pushed my buttons way too far and I’m going to have to agree with you here, Thomas. Irishred has come in here and tried to make a mockery of everything we stand for, and tonight I hope this big ass Viking shows him what’s really going on when you mess with EPW.
DM: Excellent stuff, guys. However, I must now direct your attentions to your television monitors because I have just gotten word that both of these competitors have entered the ring and they are ready to begin!
[CUTTO: Irishred and Hans the Incontinent Viking standing inside a ring aboard a freighter on the Norwegian Sea. The look in Irishred’s eyes show that he isn’t looking at Hans, he is staring a hole through Dan Ryan, whose head has taken the place of Hans’s. The ref calls for the bell.]
[A loud horn sounds, much like you would hear inside the Metrodome.]
DT: Well, I guess we’ll say that the horn has sounded and we’re ready to get this match underway! Both men step to the middle of the ring and there’s a collar and elbow. Irishred quickly latches onto a side headlock.
DM: But Hans pushes him off with great force, sending Irishred back-first into the turnbuckle! Irishred is grabbing his back and Hans is… is he dancing?
MN: I’m not sure if that’s what the Vikings call it, but Hans is definitely gyrating in some way that leaves me feeling uncomfortable and wondering if he really knows what he’s doing inside that ring.
DT: Well, he has finally stopped as Irishred has gotten back to his feet. Hans quickly grabs hold of Irishred and whips him across the ring before catching him with a big boot to the face!
DM: I think Irishred might have met his match here with Hans the Incontinent Viking! This is a very impressive showing from someone who’s never been on national television before!
DT: And now Hans is pulling out a new dance move! This guy is absolutely loving it in this ring!
DM: And now he’s mounting Irishred while he’s dancing! This… intruder, this virus that we’ve been calling Irishred is stuck on his back while an extremely large Viking shakes his helmet in his face!
[Hans gets back up and plays to the very partial Norwegians, who greet him with much fanfare.]
DT: Uh oh. Bad move by Hans here. He doesn’t even see Irishred getting back to his feet!
DM: Hans turns around right into a stiff right from Red! And another! Red has him reeling as the two meet in the ropes. Red takes a step back…
DT: Oh my! Knee to the groin from Irishred! I’m not up on my Norwegian area of International Waters Wrestling Rulebook, but I’m quite certain that move is illegal just about anywhere.
MN: Except Amsterdam. It’s totally legal until you yell the secret word there.
DM: Okay…
DT: Back to the action at hand here. Red has heard it from the ref and now he’s back on the attack. He nails Hans with several more right hands before whipping him across the ring. Hans rebounds and slides through the legs of Irishred. What agility by this guy!
DM: Oh my! Hans was able to quickly get up to his feet there and he actually ripped down the pants of Irishred! Listen to the Norwegian fans! They’re loving it!
DT: Well, Irishred certainly isn’t as he quickly pulls his drawers back up. The look on his face spells disgust and this doesn’t bode well for Hans, who might have been having fun earlier, but I think that’s about to end.
[Red’s eyes dance with hate as he stares down Hans. He then removes his Denver Broncos jersey to reveal his severely scarred torso. The fans silence.]
DM: Look out here, Hans.
DT: Irishred charges. And there’s a clothesline! Hans pops back up! But there’s another clothesline! Red reaches down and pulls the Viking to his feet.
DM: And Red sends him right back down with that move he calls Bad Company, that pumphandle fallaway slam!
DT: Red is going for the cover here…
1…
2…
Kickout by Hans!
DM: And that’s not going to make Irishred happy at all.
DT: Or is it? Look at that smile on the face of Irishred!
MN: I’ve seen that look before. That is the look of a sick and twisted man who is about to take pride in the carnage that he plans to lay forth on his opponent.
DT: Red pulls Hans back up to his feet. He whips him to the corner.
DM: And Red quickly follows in with a big clothesline! Hans is wobbly in the corner and doesn’t really have anywhere to go!
DT: Red reaches down and lifts Hans up to the top rope here. Things aren’t looking good for the incontinent Viking now. Red wraps his arms around Hans’s waist. He lifts him up…
DM: No! Irishred just sat Hans back down in a hurry! He had him all set up for that top rope piledriver that he likes to call the Whipping Post, but he just sat Hans down as if he were on fire!
DT: And now Red is telling the referee something. What is he telling him?
[The ref walks over Hans, who is still out of it on the top rope. The ref gives a little lean-in toward Hans’s midsection before quickly pulling his head away and grabbing his nose.]
DT: No way. You don’t think that Hans…
MN: He shat himself! Isn’t this grounds for submission? That sounds to me like he pretty much gave up all control… of this match AND his body.
DM: Well, the referee has told Red that there’s nothing he can do. There must be a pinfall or submission to finish this match.
DT: We’ll see what Red does here as he grabs Hans in a front facelock before driving him down from that top rope with a HUGE DDT.
MN: If I were Red, I’d make sure I had this match over before I tried any kind of pin. I wouldn’t want him to kick out and “spray”, if you know what I mean.
DM: Red climbs up the ropes now.
DT: What’s he going to do up there?
MN: Be careful where you aim!
DM: Cold shot! Irishred just nailed Hans with that knee to the kidneys!
MN: Irishred is begging for a digestive disaster here.
DT: Red makes his way to the fallen Viking and looks down. He seems hesitant here…
MN: Wouldn’t you?
DT: Well, he reaches down and grabs the legs…
DM: Freebird! Albeit a rather sloppy one…
MN: Can you find some better words, Matthews?
DM: Well, I would try, but I’m waiting to see if Hans is going to tap out from this. He doesn’t seem to be feeling anything, as he’s not even moving!
DT: The ref leans in… and quickly pulls away. And now he calls for the bell!
DM: And look at Red run! He’s trying to get as far away from this as possible!
MN: Wait a second! He didn’t do it again, did he?
DT: Folks, this freighter is in need of a cleanup, but we don’t have time to stick around, unfortunately. We’ve got even more great EPW action coming your way! Don’t go anywhere!