[Cut to the ramp, where a wreath of pyro explodes around the EmpireTron and several bomblike, smoky explosions ripple about the entry way. The camera zooms in on the screen as the pyro finally peters out, then blurs to roving shots of the roaring crowd as a small banner in the corner briefly appears to proclaim that EPW is broadcast en Espanol.]

[We cut to the broadcast booth where Dave Thomas, Mike Neely and Dean Matthews sit.]

DT: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Seattle, Washington and Empire Pro Wrestling’s Aggression 28!! I’m Dave Thomas and with me as always are the unimitable Dean Matthews and the one and only Mike Neely!

MN: Hey! I’m the uninamatal one!

DM: Uninamatal??

MN: See!! He didn’t get my voice right at all!

DM: Oh brother…

DT: Well fellas, not that this dialogue isn’t amazingly interesting and all but we do have a show to do. And this first match? You know ladies and gentlemen, just when you thought you had seen it all, our fearless owner has done it yet again.

MN: And you know what? I had a great respect for Mr. Ryan prior to all of this, but by God, with the way he’s handling this whole Irishred thing, he may be the smartest man on the face of the planet.

DM: Folks, in case you’ve been under a rock for the past month, EPW Chairman, Dan Ryan, has been very consistent with his booking tendencies. And no one can attest to that more than Irishred. Two weeks ago, Red saw action in Siberia. Last week, it was a freighter in the Norwegian Sea. And now, our satellites are prepared to bring us a live feed from Juneau, Alaska as Irishred gets set to take on Akita, the Ventriloquist Telepath.

DT: Dan Ryan sure does know how to dream ‘em up, doesn’t he?

DM: Beyond a shadow of a doubt, Dave. This has to be one of the most original bookings that professional wrestling has ever seen.

MN: Has to be? I’m willing to wager that it IS the most original booking ever seen.

DT: Well, plans haven’t really worked out that well for Mr. Ryan in these matches, but we’re ready to see how things go now. Folks, join us as we link to Juneau, Alaska via satellite for Irishred and Akita, the Ventriloquist Telepath.

(The camera fades in to show Irishred and Akita standing in the ring. Fire dances in Red’s eyes as he sizes up his opponent. Without any warning, your mind suddenly fills with images of Irishred on his back, the number three, and then Red punching the mat.)

DT: What the hell was that?

MN: I think it’s called, ‘How Irishred is going to lose this match.’

DT: Whatever it was, I’d be more comfortable if I didn’t have to sit through that again.

(The referee looks around as if to shake his head and figure out what just happened as well. He then calls for the bell, which is sounded off nicely by a mumbled gong, thanks to the sheet of ice that is covering the overly large ring bell [apparently, wrestling doesn’t happen everyday in Alaska])

DT: Well, here we go now. Irishred makes his way towards Akita here and looks for a punch, but wait a second, what’s he stopping for?

MN: Is he wiping his ear? He does know that this match is being broadcast across the country even though it’s via satellite, doesn’t he? This isn’t he place for odd grooming habits.

DM: I’m not sure guys. For some reason, I have a feeling that Irishred just received a wet willy… but I can’t be too sure of what I saw, because I’m not sure if I did…

MN: What the hell are you talking about?

DM: I believe that Irishred and I both saw Akita giving him a wet willy, but my eyes and you guys are saying that I didn’t.

MN: This is ridiculous! Do we really have to show this match? If people want a circus show, I believe it’s still going on in Chicago.

DT: Well, we’re going to stick with this one, but I must say that I’m intrigued to see how this works out.

MN: It figures that a weirdo like you would, Thomas.

DT: Irishred appears to be done wiping his ear now. He makes his way towards Akita…

DM: Now what?

MN: Is his hand really digging that far into his rear end? What the hell is wrong with this guy? Is the cold making his hallucinate?

DT: I don’t think so. For some reason, I got the weird vision of Irishred getting a wedgie.

MN: What?!?!

DT: I’m not sure, Neels. But I think that’s why he’s… well, digging.

(The crowd roars with laughter, both in-house and watching at the arena via satellite. Red looks around with a very angry look on his face.)

DT: Well, Red doesn’t look very happy here.

DM: How’s he going to overcome this?

DT: Look out! I think that’s how! Without hesitation, Irishred just plowed right through Akita with that shoulder tackle and now he’s driving right hands into Akita!

MN: Finally! Some wrestling action! I thought I was going to have to go find a bar of soap during the commercial break.

DT: Is Red holding his breast?

DM: I didn’t want to say anything, but on the tackle, I felt the pain of a purple nurple coming into my brain for some reason, but it stopped shortly after.

DT: So it’s not quite purple?

DM: No, more like a light shade of reddish-pink.

MN: What are you idiots talking about?!?!

DT: We’re talking about the action we’re watching here on the monitor. Are you not paying attention, Neels?

MN: Of course I am! But you two are going to have to share your stuff if you want me to see the things you morons are seeing.

DT: Well, right now, I’m seeing Irishred pulling up Akita and driving right hands into his head. Are you seeing that, Neels?

MN: Yes, but let’s see what Smokey over here is seeing.

DM: If you’re referring to me, I’m seeing the same thing you guys are.

MN: Ha! Must be some weak stuff if you’ve stopped seeing stuff already.

DT: Folks, I apologize. Back to the action here. Red drives another right into Akita’s temple here before whipping him across the ring. Red follows him into the corner…

DM: Big clothesline there!

DT: Red now sits Akita up on the top rope. What’s he going to do up there?

MN: Hopefully continue wrestling…

DM: He calls that ’25 or 6 to 4’! What a Samoan drop off the top rope there!

DT: Red makes the pin here…

1…

2…

DM: What the? Why did the ref stop counting?

DT: Well, I thought that I saw Akita’s shoulder come up off the mat, but it still appears to be there on the ground.

DM: Well, Irishred is certainly confused. Look at him staring a hole through the referee!

DT: I didn’t realize the type of challenge that Irishred had on his hands here. It’s going to be amazing for him to actually pull out this match.

MN: And I didn’t realize the kooks that I was working with until just now. Anybody seen the want ads from today’s newspaper?

DT: Well, Red is going to do his best to pull this one out as he begins laying the boots to Akita here. It seems as though he can control Akita’s abilities by keeping the attack on him.

DM: And he’s going to do just that as he pulls Akita back up here. He steps under Akita’s arm now.

DT: Black Water! Irishred just nailed Akita with that Full Nelson Slam!

DM: But Red is taking no chances of Akita working his way back into this match. He pulls him right back up again.

DT: Smart offense here by Irishred. He lays a few rights into Akita before pulling that arm between his legs.

DM: Bad Company! Red with that fall-away pumphandle slam! There’s the cover…

1…

2…

DT: Look at the power of Akita! He just pressed Irishred right off of him.

DM: I don’t think so, Dave.

DT: What? But he-

MN: Anyone have a straight jacket?

DT: Neels, I swear that I saw it.

MN: I know, I know. I saw it too…

DT: Dean, did you?

DM: Sorry, Dave.

DT: Well, I hope that you can both see Irishred stomping the hell out of Akita again here.

DM: We can.

DT: Good, then I’ll tell everyone about the velocity with which he just whipped Akita into that corner. A few more stomps as he lifts him to the top rope yet again…

DM: Whipping Post! Irishred with that piledriver from the top rope!

DT: And now he grabs Akita by the legs! This could be it…

DM: It is! Freebird! Red has it locked in…

(GONG!)

DT: What the? Why did the ref call for the bell?

MN: Beats the hell out of me. I didn’t see a tap.

DM: Umm… I think I did.

DT: Are you kidding me? Thank God this match is over.

DM: Wait a second! Irishred is going to the outside of the ring! What’s he getting that chair for?

DT: Look out! He’s going to beat the hell out of Akita, that’s what! Damnit! Someone stop this monster!

MN: I don’t even see why he’s mad. He got a free win because I don’t think Akita tapped out. If anything, he should be shaking some hands.

DM: Well, he’s not! He’s tearing into Akita here with that chair! Damnit!

(Red finally stops and gets up in the camera’s face [I guess cameras have faces…])

IR: Ryan! I’m tired of this crap! We’re going to settle this damn thing right now!

(Red takes off and out of the ring. As he leaves, the shot goes to Akita, who is prone on the ground. Suddenly, thoughts of Irishred with his mouth around a rooster fills your mind.)

MN: Holy crap! Did you see that?

DT: We did! I can’t believe that Irishred would stoop to this just to send a message.

MN: That’s not what I’m talking about!

DM: If you’re referring to what Red meant about settling things right now, I’m as lost as you.

MN: That’s not it either!

DT: Folks, we’re going to take a break and get back to the in-arena action while we also try to figure out what Neels is talking about.

MN: You didn’t see that? I think Akita just told us all that Irishred is a co-

DT: OKAY!! SO ANYWAY….weeeeee’ll be right back after this….