DT: Well guys, we're back - and this next matchup involves one of the great technical wrestlers of our time in Adam Benjamin taking on one of the most well...unique wrestlers of our time...Ice Tre.

MN: This guy is an absolute JOKE! Why the hell are his pants so low? They look like they’re about to fall off…

DT: Tre turns his back on his opponent to go the ropes and hype up the fans… but that proves to be a mistake as Adam Benjamin NAILS him in the back of the head with a running elbow and proceeds to ram him FACE FIRST into the cage wall!

DM: Nearly knocked all the fake gold teeth out of that wigger’s mouth.

DT: Benjamin grabs Ice Tre around the waist, and this looks like a suplex attempt, but Ice Tre hangs onto the cage for dear life! NO! Benjamin RIPS HIM AWAY and PASTES him into the mat with the German Suplex! Adam on his feet again… quickly drops the ELBOW into the sternum, and rolls over for the pin!

One!

Two!

Oh NO! Ice Tre BARELY kicks out before the three! We were THAT CLOSE to a textbook squash match!

MN: Don’t count your eggs before they hatch, Dave. Two more minutes in the ring, and Ice Tre will need to leave in a stretcher…

DM: Benji pries a nearly dead Ice Tre off the mat… hoists him up onto his shoulder, DRIVES HIM DOWN onto his knee with a driving Shoulderbreaker! Now we see Tre rolling around on the mat in pain…

MN: Pathetic…

DT: Ice Tre slowly pushing himself up to his feet… but Benjamin quickly hits the ropes, and NAILS Tre in the face with a low-angle Dropkick to the face! Adam isn’t pulling any punches here tonight…

DM: It seems as though he’s grown bored with punishing Tre, as Benji goes to the opposite cage wall and begins to climb to the top!

DT: This could be it! Benjamin is nearly halfway up the cage wall… but Ice Tre is slowly making his way to his feet using the turnbuckle as support, and now he sees what’s happening!

MN: Does he understand that this entire match is “whack, y’all”?

DM: Benjamin’s near the top, but Tre quickly jumps onto the cage wall an begins shaking it mercilessly! Benji LOSES HIS FOOTING! Now he’s dangling from the top of the cage by his fingertips!

DT: Will Adam Benjamin’s grip last? Ice Tre moves beneath him and looks to climb up after him…

DM: NO!! Benjamin loses his grip and FALLS ON TOP OF ICE TRE!!

DT: MY GOD!! ICE TRE WAS JUST CRUSHED INTO THE MAT under the fall of Adam Benjamin, and to be perfectly honest, it seems as though he’s done more damage to HIMSELF than to Adam Benjamin!

MN: You’ve gotta be kidding me! Ice Tre sucks so much at this sport, he hurts HIMSELF more than his opponents with his own moves!

DT: Benjamin is the first to get to his feet, shaking off the fall, which was broken by Ice Tre. Adam gets his opponent to his feet… WHIPS him into the turnbuckle! Benjamin rushes in with a shoulder block… but Ice Tre, unable to stand under his own power, FALLS OUT OF THE WAY as Benjamin goes shoulder-first into the turnbuckle!

DM: Benjamin recoils in pain… falling back into Ice Tre, who in surprise, rolls back and finds himself with BENJAMIN PINNED!

DT: The referee rushes through the door into the ring…

ONE!

TWO!!

NO!! Near three-count as Adam Benjamin muscles out of the surprise pin from Ice Tre.

DM: Benjamin and Ice Tre are up in an instant! Benjamin steps up with a clothesline… Tre NARROWLY ducks!

DT: Tre off the ropes… BIG CROSS BODY BLOCK ACROSS THE CHEST OF ADAM BENJAMIN!!

MN: Where the hell did THAT come from?!

DT: Ice Tre is back on his feet, and he is getting this crowd on his side! Look at him play to the fans!

DM: Awful lot of showboating, if you ask me…

MN: Awful lot of STUPIDITY in the audience, if you ask ME!

DT: Tre goes to the corner and… he’s MOONWALKING?!

MN: Jesus Christ, I don’t know how much more of this I can take…

DT: The audience is loving every moment of this, but… Adam Benjamin is already on his feet, standing with his hands on his hips, ready for the match to continue! And now Ice Tre is doing the ROBOT!!

[The audience laughs hysterically.]

DM: I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

MN: That’s it, I’m out of here.

DT: What? Mike, where the hell do you think YOU’RE going?

MN: I’m going to that burger joint across the street. You guys need anything?

DT: What? No!

DM: Two cheeseburgers and a coke.

MN: Got it.

[A click is heard as Mike Neely drops his headset. Cameras catch him walking around the ring, making an effort to look at the spectacle in the ring, and disappears up the ramp.]

DT: I don’t believe it…

DM: I’m almost tempted to follow him.

DT: Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Neely has LEFT the commentary table, after… well, I suppose it’s in DISGUST of what he’s seeing here tonight.

DM: He’s not missing much… Ice Tre is… oh my God, NOT THE MACARENA!!

DT: HE IS!! ICE TRE IS WHIPPING OUT THE MACARENA—OH NO, ADAM BENJAMIN JUST SACKS HIM FROM BEHIND with a CLOTHESLINE to the back of the head!

DM: Thank God that’s over… I’m CONVINCED I lost brain cells over that.

DT: Adam Benjamin pulls Ice Tre back off the mat and hooks him… BIG BRAINBUSTER SUPLEX!!

DM: That’s gotta be it…

DT: Benjamin hooks the leg for a cover…

ONE!!

TWO!!

THREE—OH NO, ICE TRE KICKS OUT!!

DM: Man, I don’t believe it. I can’t tell if this is just Adam Benjamin’s inability to get the job done, or maybe…

DT: What, maybe Ice Tre deserves much credit than what he’s given?

DM: Don’t go there, Dave. Benji’s just having a bad night. That’s the only explanation.

DT: Adam Benjamin brings Ice Tre back off the mat… there’s the whip to the ropes, and Adam goes for a BACK BODY DROP—NO!! Telegraphs it too soon, and Ice Tre gets off the kick to the face! Benjamin reels back… and Tre goes for a chop across the chest! A SECOND chop, and Adam’s set up against the ropes!

DM: Could Ice Tre be turning this one around?

DT: Ice Tre turns back to the audience and points to his fist… he’s really got them on his side in this one!

DM: Uhm, they’re LAUGHING at him, Dave. That’s hardly what I’d call support…

DT: Ice Tre rushes at Benjamin with a closed fist—NO!! Benjamin rolls out of the way, and Ice Tre connects FACE FIRST into the steel cage!

DM: Watch Benji off the ropes…

DT: Ice Tre is standing square in the middle of the ring holding his hand in pain… Adam returns off the ropes—SHINING WIZARD!! KNEE LIFT STRAIGHT TO THE FACE, and Ice Tre is OUT!

DM: FINALLY! Adam’s going in for the kill…

DT: Benjamin moves to the far corner anticipating Ice Tre’s recovery… and… well, I guess that last one really did the trick! Ice Tre is out COLD!

DM: I’m surprised it didn’t come sooner…

DT: Looks like Adam is done waiting… he hooks Ice Tre’s leg for the pin!

DM: This should be it!

DT: The ref hurries into the ring…

ONE!

TWO!

OH WAIT NO!! ICE TRE GOT HIS FOOT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE!!

DM: WHAT?! Are you sure…?

DT: I don’t know HOW he managed to do that! I’m telling you, folks, it looks like Ice Tre is practically DEAD in the ring!

DM: Benjamin needs to finish this already…

DT: Ice Tre finally showing signs of life, and Adam waits for him to rise…

DM: ……………

DT: …………….

DM: ……………

DT: …………….

DM: ………I wonder where my cheeseburgers are.

DT: Well, so much for waiting. Ice Tre, only managing to get to his hands and knees, looks like he’s gone about as far as he can go. Adam Benjamin is heading for the door, and what looks to be the next round for the King of the Cage tournament!

DM: Good riddance. Ice Tre isn’t worth another second of his time.

DT: But oh wait! Adam looks back and sees Ice Tre up on his knees, and now he’s TAUNTING HIM!!

[Ice Tre moves around in the ring on his knees, attention fixated mostly on the audience, making weird motions with his hands and mouth that look like he’s sipping tea. The way he holds his hands and nose up slightly would lead one to believe he’s mocking the typical Englishman.]

DM: That won’t go well with our viewers over the pond…

DT: I don’t believe this! In spite of having his ASS KICKED at the hands of Adam Benjamin, Ice Tre is openly MOCKING his English heritage!

DM: Not a good move. We all know how proud Adam Benjamin is to be English. How he takes pride in that, I can’t say, but he does take that personally…

DT: Benjamin looks furious… the referee on the outside has opened up the cage door, but Benjamin is turning back to the ring! He’s going to give Ice Tre something to remember!

DM: Bah… you know, this match just past the five minute mark. That’s WAY too long for the kind of talent we’ve got in the ring…

DT: Benjamin and Tre lock up… and Adam with a BIG KNEE to the gut gains the advantage! He grabs Ice Tre by the arm… there’s the whip to the ropes… BIG SUPERKICK TO THE FACE!! Ice Tre goes REELING into the corner—and falls THROUGH THE ROPES—and OH MY GOD, HE TUMBLES THROUGH THE CAGE DOOR!!!

DM: WHAAAAAT?!

[The audience unloads a synchronized “WTF?!” Adam Benjamin’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head.]

TF: Ladies and gentlemen… here is your winner, ICE TREEEEEE!!!!

DT: I don’t believe it…

DM: You know something, Dave… I’ve seen a LOT of crazy crap happen in this sport… but I have NEVER seen anything as ****ed up as that!

DT: My God, WHAT AN UPSET!! Adam Benjamin, after physically DOMINATING the entire match, cost it by inadvertently kicking his OPPONENT OUT OF THE CAGE!!

DM: I didn’t see that coming…

[Benjamin, furious, argues with the ref for a few moments. When the referee tells him the decision can’t be reversed, Adam Benjamin storms off up the rampway. Passing by him is an unsuspecting Mike Neely, coming back with a bag of fastfood. He registers Benjamin momentarily and shrugs, heading back to the commentary table.]

DT: I don’t think Adam is happy with that decision one bit…

DM: You think? The winner of this match is lying UNCONSCIOUS at the bottom of the steel steps outside of the cage!

DT: Mike… welcome back.

MN: Sup, toads? What’d I miss?

[We hear wrappers rustling.]

DM: No pickle?

DT: You missed Ice Tre moving on to the next round.

MN: …what?

DT: Don’t ask me how, it JUST happened.

MN: …I don’t believe you, Dave. You’re just messing with my head again. And let me tell you, I DON’T appreciate that.

[Over commentary, we can hear Dean Matthews eating.]

DM: How much do I owe you, Mike?

MN: Five bucks?

DT: Wait a minute… I’m getting word right now that Adam Benjamin has gone straight to new owner Irish Red’s office!

MN: About what?

DT: I don’t know, but I’m sure it has something to do with the outcome of… oh wait, I’m getting word… yes, it appears as though the management has granted Adam Benjamin a shot at the INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE in response to his efforts in tonight’s match!

DM [mouthful of burger]: Murh mumble brr murble?

MN: Wha, did he take a bullet for the President or something?

DT: Well, it looks like Adam Benjamin won’t walk away from this faux pas empty handed… but you still have to wonder if Ice Tre will continue to fail upwards through the King of the Cage tournament.

DM: We can only hope that never happens…