[CUEUP: ‘Satisfaction' by Benny Benassi and the Biz. The lights go down and strobe lights hit … ‘Extremely BiSexual' Beau Michaels walks out wearing tight short shorts, and no shirt. He has Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 eye makeup on. Michaels stops and points to the back. A giant chicken comes down leading five young men by chains .. the young men are wearing chains around their waist. They’re not wearing much else. On their backside is a little circle sign saying ‘Entry Here’ and on the front, their penises are covered by crew socks, which are held in place by the chains. Michaels waits for the Chicken to walk them down the rampway and doesn't move until they circle him, pick him up, and carry him to the ring.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen… the following contest is a second round match-up of the Empire Pro KING OF THE CAGE TOURNAMENT!! Introducing first… hailing from West Hollywood, California, and weighing in at 230 pounds… HERE IS… “EXTREMELY BISEXUAL”…… BEAU…. MIIIICHAAAAEEELLLLSSS!!!
DM: This guy is too bizarre for words.
MN: Yeah. Just watching him compete makes me want to take a cold shower or something.
DT: Well, regardless of his unusual interests and behavior in the ring, Beau Michaels has at least proven himself to be a formidable opponent. But his opponent tonight is eager to move on in this tournament.
TF: And his opponent…..TROY DOUGLAS!!!!!!!!
[Douglas makes his way to the ring warily, and climbs in very slowly.]
MN: I would absolutely hate to be in this man’s shoes right now…
DM: You think Beau Michaels is that great of a challenge?
MN: Oh no, in fact, I got money on Douglas. I’d just hate to be alone in the ring with that sick freakin’ pederast.
DM: What’s a “pederast”, Mike?
MN: Shut the **** up, Dean.
DT: Both men are in the ring… Douglas, in his corner, stretches against the ropes. Michaels, meanwhile, has his hand down his…
DM: …
MN: …aw, that’s SICK!!
DT: Well, never mind what Michaels is doing… the ref rings the bell, and this match is underway! Douglas quickly bolts of the corner… FLASH DROPKICK TO THE FACE catches Beau Michaels off guard early in this match!
DM: Douglas isn’t joking around here. He’s going straight for an early advantage.
DT: Both men quickly back on their feet… and Douglas with a series of KNIFE-EDGE CHOPS backs Michaels into the corner! Douglas takes him by the arm… there’s the Irish Whip to the opposite corner, and Beau Michaels CONNECTS back first!
DM: Michaels stumbles out… and STRAIGHT into a CLOTHESLINE from Douglas!
DT: And Douglas with a KNEE DROP over the face for added effect!
MN: Do you think Michaels is getting off on this kind of thing?
DM: Don’t ask, don’t tell...
DT: Douglas brings Michaels back to his feet… hooks him around the head… BIG Verticle Suplex sends him flat on his back! Troy back on his feet, and yet again brings Michaels with him… now he hooks him for another suplex—OH WAIT!!
DM: MICHAELS COPS A FEEL!!
MN: EEEEEEWWWW!!! Michaels is GAAAAAYYYY!!!
DT: Troy Douglas just SHOVES Beau Michaels against the ropes, and he looks FURIOUS!!
MN: And Beau Michaels is PLAYING WITH HIS NIPPLES!!
DM: My God, this is atrocious…
DT: Douglas has had enough! He steps forward—BUT MICHEALS DUCKS THE PUNCH ATTEMPT, and Troy Douglas just got a FISTFUL of steel cage!
DM: Might’ve busted his knuckle open, he could need stitches for that—OH WAIT, Michaels grabs him from behind—
MN: CUPS THE JEWELS!!
DT: GERMAN SUPLEX by Beau Michaels, and Douglas is on the mat!
DM: Dunno if you can call it a standard German Suplex, as Michaels didn’t really lift him… you know, by the waist?
MN: It’s a GREEK Suplex!
DM: Quiet, Mike. We’ve had enough of your race-bashing for one day.
MN: You haven’t heard enough!
DT: Douglas comes back to his feet, holding his back in pain… Michaels meets him on his feet, and sets him sitting on the mat with a Fireman’s Carry! He follows through with a SNAPMARE that bounces Douglas’ head off the mat!
DM: I can’t deny Michaels is a good wrestler. I just can’t stand his antics…
MN: Eh… it makes an otherwise boring match a little more interesting, even if I AM stifling an urge to vomit every time I see him.
DT: Douglas getting up again, a little slower this time… and Michaels seizes the opportunity—
MN: Yeah, he seizes a good handful of Troy Douglas’ left ASS cheek, too!
DT: —and NAILS him with a Russian Legsweep!
DM: Michaels has good pacing in this match. He’s lucky he didn’t suffer much from Troy’s explosive start. Douglas could be in trouble if he doesn’t turn things around soon…
MN: He better watch his ASS if he knows what’s good for him!
DT: Douglas, AGAIN, tries to get to his feet… but a kick to the chest from Beau Michaels sets him flat on the mat again! Michaels quickly runs to the ropes… BIG ASAI MOONSAULT—BUT DOUGLAS ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY!! Michaels EATS the canvas!!
DM: Great elevation… great form… but he didn’t realize that Douglas still had a little more left in him!
MN: He’s desecrated your PRIDE, Troy! Crush that fairy!
DT: Douglas waits propped up on a knee in the corner as Michaels comes to his feet, clutching his chest in pain… Michaels turns around, and Douglas runs out of the corner! KNEE LIFT to the mid-section doubles Michaels over, and Douglas follows through with a GUTWRENCH SUPLEX!!
DM: Great focus on power and impact moves we’re seeing from Troy Douglas tonight! This is one of those rare opportunities where he can really use his size and strength to his own advantage.
DT: Douglas holds Michaels around the head as he brings him to his feet… REVERSE DDT drills “The Extremely BiSexual” one back into the mat! Douglas back on his feet, and he… ahem, READJUSTS himself.
MN: I guess Michaels screwed up the feng shui in his package.
DT: HUH?!
DM: You have to admire Troy Douglas’ poise and focus in this match. Michaels seems to be having fun out there, but Douglas knows a title shot lies at the end of this tournament, and he wants it more than anything!
DT: Beau Michaels is slowly forcing himself back onto his feet… and Douglas quickly takes him by the head, and drives him FACEFIRST onto his knee! Michaels reels back in pain… and Douglas finds the opportunity to take him by the back of the head, and DRIVE HIM INTO THE STEEL CAGE!!
DM: Douglas follows up by hooking the arms from behind… TIGER DRIVER!!
DT: WOW, WHAT A MOVE!! Douglas leans against the ropes momentarily to catch his breath… and with Michaels on the mat dazed, he finds the opportunity to work his way up the side of the cage!
DM: But is Michaels down and out for the count? …NO! He’s getting back to his feet!
DT: But Douglas is already halfway up the cage! Michaels sees the match in jeopardy, and now he gets to his feet and runs up the side of the cage after Douglas! He grabs him by the BACK OF THE TIGHTS!!
MN: NO!! I DON’T WANT TO SEE TROY DOUGLAS’ ASS-CRACK!!
DT: And Beau Michaels YANKS Troy Douglas down from the cage! Follows up by DRIVING Troy Douglas’ forehead into the cage wall!
DM: Michaels’ hooks him from behind… REVERSE NECKBREAKER!!
DT: Michaels, in an INCREDIBLY display of constitution, has not only saved this match from ending prematurely, but also turned it around in his favor!
MN: Oh, I’m sure Michaels would brag that he can go on ALL NIGHT LONG if he has to…
DT: Michaels, now… attempting to maintain control… takes Douglas by the head and brings him to his feet once again. Hooks him around the head… HOISTS HIM UP FOR A STAAAAALL-LLIIIIIINNG SUPLEX—OH MY GOD, DROPS HIM INTO THE STEEL CAGE WALL!! Douglas is a TUMBLED MESS in the ring ropes!!
DM: Douglas has his right arm wrapped in between the top and middle ropes… and his head is at the PERFECT ELEVATION for Beau Michaels!
MN: Uh-oh… I can’t watch! I WON’T watch!!
DT: Oh my God, Michaels with a PELVIC THRUST into Douglas’ face! A SECOND!! A THIRD!! Michaels is driving Douglas’ head back into that steel cage with his… his…
DM: The chicken he chokes on the side.
DT: Right, Dean… FINALLY, Douglas comes loose and falls to the mat, holding the back of his head.
DM: But Beau Michaels keeps the pressure going, bringing Troy Douglas back onto his feet… there’s the Irish Whip to the corner—FOLLOWED UP WITH A CLOTHESLINE—BUT DOUGLAS DUCKS, and Michaels EATS the turnbuckle!
DT: Troy Douglas spins him around, and leaps to the second rope! He’s wailing away with a barrage of punches!
Crowd: ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT—OOOOOHHH!!
DT: OH MY GOD, BLATANT low blow from Beau Michaels!
MN: That wasn’t a low blow…
DT: Michaels with an EYE POKE sends Douglas off the second rope and reeling on the mat… Michaels waits for him to turn around… and SPRINGS out of the corner with a BULLDOG!!
DM: Both men are lying on the mat… that last move took everything Michaels had left, but hey, it did the trick.
DT: And now MICHAELS is slowly crawling toward the ring door! Douglas sees him moving, and he’s crawling after him!
DM: Beau Michaels isn’t going to make it!
DT: TROY DOUGLAS has him by the ankle as Michaels comes within a FOOT of the cage door! Now Douglas is dragging him back to the center of the ring… and HE’S TRYING TO LOCK ON THE SCORPION DEATHLOCK!!
DM: NO!! Beau Michaels slips out of his grasp!!
MN: It’s because Beau greases himself up before every match.
DT: Douglas goes for the leg again—but Michaels counters with an ENZIGURI TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD—AND DOUGLAS DUCKS!!
DM: He was thinking ahead of Michaels on that one.
DT: Douglas gets him back to his feet… hooks him around the shoulders, and NAILS him with a FACBUSTER SUPLEX!!
DM: Douglas is ready to finish this, and Beau Michaels is approaching the END OF THE ROAD!!
DT: Indeed he is, as Troy Douglas leads him to the corner! Douglas sets himself up the second rope—but Beau Michales KNOCKS him down from the turnbuckle! And now Michaels repositions himself, and climbs up the corner of the cage! He’s looking to escape!
MN: Catch that greasy fudgepacker!
DT: Douglas quickly back on his feet, follows Michaeals up the cage, and he’s quick to catch up! Both men are neck and neck as they come to the top of the cage! And now DOUGLAS puts an elbow into the shoulder of Beau Michaels to slow him down! ANOTHER elbow! Folks, at this height, if either man should take a fall they could become SERIOUSLY hurt!
DM: Douglas has a few inches over Michaels.
MN: …ew, Dean, did you hear what you just said?
DM: I, uh… don’t take me out of context, Neely!
DT: Douglas slips a leg over the top of the cage… and Michaels follows a moment later! Now both men are on top of the cage, and Douglas meets Michaels with a blow to the face! And Michaels shoots back with a fist of his own!
DM: Both men are pulling themselves over the cage wall. Now it’s a matter of being the first person to have both feet touching the floor outside the ring. But first, both men have to climb down to a safer falling distance.
DT: Douglas coming down the side of the cage, slightly ahead of Michaels… but Beau Michaels boots him in the shoulder to slow him down, and now it’s neck and neck once again!
DM: It looks like Troy’s grip is slipping… HE MIGHT DROP—
DT: OH MY GOD!!
MN: SWEET POTATO JESUS!!
DM: I don’t believe it, Beau Michaels prevents Troy Douglas from falling by grabbing him by the CROTCH, and Douglas can only hang onto the cage for dear life lest Michaels CASTRATE him here in front of a live audience!
MN: That WEIRDO!!
DT: Michaels looks to be slipping… AND HE DOES!! MICHAELS LANDS TO THE RING FLOOR!!
[SFX: Bell rings.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen… THE WINNER of this match, as a result of escaping the cage… “EXTREMELY BISEXUAL”… BEEEEAAAAAUUUUU MIIIIICHAAAAAEEEELLLLSSS!!!!
[Michaels receives a loud mixed reaction, with half of the fans cheering him while the other half booing, clearly favoring Douglas. Michaels is helped to his feet by Chicken while Douglas is tended to on the floor, clutching his area.]
MN: Troy Douglas may never be the same man again…
DM: At least he hung in there every step of the way. But tonight, the crotch-groping creep cops a feel and sneaks away with a win. Remind you of your step-dad, Mike?
MN: You know what, Dean? Go **** yourself.
DT: This circus continues as Beau Michaels moves on in the King of the Cage Tournament. More action to come!