[Cut backstage as Kenny Lombardo approached Steven Shane's dressing room. Suddenly the door bursts open and a visibly angry Steven Shane brushes past the interviewer without a word and heads directly for the door to the exit.]
KL: Um, Mr. Shane! Could I get a quick word with....er....I guess not.
[Lombardo just watches as Shane burst through the door to the outside.]
DT: Well Steven Shane is clearly not happy. What about I don't know, but I suppose we'll find out soon. Last week, Shawn Hart got knocked out of the King of the Cage tourney, but the man they call “The Phenom”, well, at least he’s got something to fall back on. He’s still EPW’s TV Champion, and tonight, he puts his title on the line.
MN: It’s in the bag, Davey. No way a woman wins a championship here in EPW.
DM: What?
MN: You heard me.
DM: Our World Champion is a woman, moron!
MN: I said what I said.
DT: Folks, we’ve got some news for you before we get to the start of this match. Rookie Silvio Fiore, who was scheduled to be a part of this match and challenge Shawn Hart and Foxx for the TV Title, has been removed from this contest at his request, to deal with personal issues. We wish Silvio the best and await the exciting newcomer’s return to Empire Pro. Now, to Tony in the ring to get our title match underway!
[CUT TO: Tony Fatora in the ring]
TF: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is for the Empire Pro Wrestling Television Championship! Introducing first, the challenger…
[CUE UP: "Angelwitch" by Angelwitch. The crowd responds with a loud pop as Foxx makes her way to the ring, looking extremely focused. She slingshots over the top rope, salutes the crowd and waits in a corner.]
TF: She stands five feet, nine inches tall and weighs in at 134 pounds. From San Antonio, Texas…FOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!
[“Angelwitch” fades out, as “Watching the Wheels” by the John Lennon kicks in and the EPW Television Champion, Shawn Hart comes out onto the entranceway in a hooded black robe, waving at the crowd like a monarch as he walks down the aisle. He slides into the ring, pops the hood off his head, and holds the TV Title high in the air.]
TF: And her opponent, standing five feet, eleven inches tall and weighing in tonight at 226 pounds. He hails from Orlando, Florida and enters the ring tonight as the REIGNING and DEFENDING Empire Pro Television Champion … “THE PHENOM”… SHAAAAWWWWWWWNNNN HAAAAAAARRRRTTTT!!!!!!
[SFX: Bell rings]
DT: The up-and-comer and the established veteran circle, and here comes Foxx! She exploded towards Shawn Hart and sent him rocking back with a big high kick to the side of the head! Hart comes back to his upright position, and Foxx strikes quickly once again, now with a NASTY low kick that whips against Hart right knee! And another! Foxx ducks the big punch from Hart, and looks to go high with another kick…blocked! And the Phenom just throws his challenger straight to the mat!
DM: Interesting situation for the Phenom here, Dave. Foxx is used to giving up size to her opponents, she does every time out, but Shawn Hart probably hasn’t ever wrestled a match with a weight advantage of almost one hundred pounds. Will he change his style to take advantage of that mismatch?
MN: Oh, he’ll take advantage of her alright!
DM: Mike, you have no idea how wrong that sounds.
DT: Foxx is up, and Hart wants to go straight at it with a tie-up, but Foxx ducks away … and hits the Phenom with a high crescent kick out of NOWHERE as Hart spun around! Hart is up, and he’s met with a flying forearm from Foxx! Off the ropes comes the challenger … SPINNING HEEL KICK!!!! Foxx is using these quick, precise strikes to take the TV champ off his game, and Shawn Hart wisely ducks out of the ring!
MN: Blasphemous harlot! How dare she do such things to Shawn Jessica Bubbles Horatio Hornblower Quigley Hart, PhD!
DM: First, I think you added like seven initials to Shawn’s name there, Mikey. Second, when did you learn words like “blasphemous” and “harlot”?
MN: Just today. Got those “improve your vocabulary while you sleep” tapes in 1994, and I just used ‘em last night.
DT: Hart slides towards the ring … Foxx catches him straight away with a baseball slide dropkick sending Hart flying back to the outside and straight into the guardrail!
DM: Foxx has speed on her side, but Hart’s no tortoise. I’m shocked he’s been caught this much off his guard early on.
DT: Hart recovering on the outside … FOXX GIVES HIM NO TIME!!!! Suicide plancha to the floor connected perfectly! Foxx rolls the champ back in, quick cover…
Hart’s out quickly! Just a quick one count, but Foxx has established the early pace here, and it is breakneck!
MN: That seems like a bad pace.
DM: Why?
MN: Ummmm … why would you want to go so fast you’ll break your neck? Stupid woman.
DM: Just shut up, Neely, before you shove your boot further into your mouth.
MN: I’m not wearing boots!
DT: Foxx is continuing this strike quick, get out fast strategy, she is unloading on Shawn Hart with a flurry of martial arts kicks! Hart shoves Foxx away, Foxx off the ropes … Hart misses the back elbow, and Foxx hits a sidekick that sends Shawn Hart right into the corner!
DM: Shawn Hart is such a smart, experienced wrestler, but he is being run ragged by a relative newcomer who is displaying a flurry of energy tonight!
DT: Hart in the corner … here comes Foxx … WHAT A RUNNING KNEE STRAIGHT TO THE SIDE OF THE HEAD! Shawn Hart may have just been knocked goofy here in the early going!
MN: How could you tell? SJH is pretty goofy to begin with.
DT: Foxx hooks the champ’s head … bulldog attempt … Hart shoves Foxx off and sends her chest-first into the far turnbuckle!
MN: OUCH! She caught that straight on her—
DM: —no sexist comments, Mikey, or I’ll have Billy in the truck activate the shock collar.
DT: Foxx bounces out of the corner, straight into a BIG back suplex from the Phenom! Hart rolls over, hooks the leg…
ONE…
AND A HALF!!! Foxx out of that pin quickly, but Shawn Hart isn’t even letting her up! BIG leap … drops the knee onto the abdomen! Off the ropes goes the Phenom, and he drops the elbow!
MN: FINALLY, the universe is correcting it’s course.
DT: Hart pulls Foxx up, irish whip … and an inverted atomic drop! Hart follows quickly … WICKED SNAP SUPLEX!!! Now the Phenom’s rolling, and we’re seeing some trademark Shawn Hart here, taking a curtain call before the match is anywhere near over!
DM: He’s taken control of this match, but this is just an obvious lack of respect towards his challenger.
MN: Can the PC crap, Deano. The Phenomulator is superior to ALL! This puny woman will never take him down!
DM: Phenomulator?
MN: It’s on his 384 page list of approved nicknames. His publicist sent it last week. Want to see some of the others?
DM: Sure, why not
…
…
DUDE! Some of those are just WRONG! Can you even do that with a pineapple?
MN: Apparently.
DT: Shawn Hart has finally stopped showboating, and he drops a leg straight across the back of Foxx’s neck. Measures her up, wants to drop the knee … NO WAY! Foxx rolls out of harm’s way! Foxx up, DROPKICK sends Hart face first into the corner! He bounces out, Foxx locks in an inverted facelock … drops to her knee with a backbreaker! Holds on to it … INVERTED DDT! The challenger has come firing right back!
MN: Oh, crap! ALL HAIL OUR NEW FEMALE OVERLORDS!
DT: The pin…
ONE…
TWO…
NO!!! So close to a new TV champion right there! Foxx keeping up the attack, hits another sliding kick to Shawn Hart’s back as the champion was sitting up, and now she’s got a surfboard hold locked in, with the point of her knee putting pressure onto Hart’s lower back.
DM: Foxx is showing wisdom beyond her years here, she’s displaying a lot of focus in attacking the champ’s back here.
DT: Hart is being ground down by this, but he’s able to get his foot out … and he drapes it across the bottom rope! Foxx has to break the hold, but she’s done the damage already! Hart is up, but not for long! Foxx continues her focused attack and kicks Shawn Hart’s knees right out from under him, and she’s headed up top! Mike, are you … bowing?
MN: Damn straight, Burgerman. The female of the species are taking over EPW. WE MUST SUBMIT TO THEM!
DM: So that’s what this is all about. Someone’s got some unresolved mommy issues.
MN: What? No way!
DT: Foxx wants to fly … OH DEAR LORD!!! FOXX JUST LANDED A 450 ELBOW RIGHT ACROSS THE SMALL OF SHAWN HART’S BACK!!! Rolls him over and slides on for the pin…
ONE…
TWO…
TWO AND A HALF!!!! How did the Phenom escape that one?
MN: With his powers of phenomenal phenomulation.
DM: You really need to stop reading the crib sheets that Hart’s agent sent you.
DT: Foxx pulls the champ up, whips him into the ropes … hurricanrana … NO!!! Hart sat down and violently powerbombed Foxx to the mat! He pins …
ONE…
TWO…
HE PULLS HER UP? What the hell is Shawn Hart doing?
DM: I think he wants to prove a point, but he had this match finished!
DT: He holds on to Foxx, brings her up for another powerbomb … COUNTERED! Foxx shifted her weight and THIS TIME she pulled off that hurricanrana! What a counter by Foxx! Off the ropes she comes … ASAI MOONSAULT … Hart blocked it! He brought his knees to his chest and nailed Foxx in the stomach!
DM: Umm, Mikey?
MN: Yeah?
DM: Isn’t that the kind of thing you normally call a big ouchie?
MN: Yeah?
DM: So…
MN: Not this time, Matthews. I’m sick of you calling me a moron.
DT: Hart pulls himself to his feet, pulls up Foxx … IMPLANT DDT!!!! Dropped her straight on her head!
MN: Now THAT’S a big ouchie.
DM: I’d call you a moron, but this time, you might just be right.
MN: Haha, I win again!
DT: Hart hooks the leg, the cover…
ONE…
TWO…
THRRRRNOOOO!!!! Foxx got her shoulder up at the very last moment and Shawn Hart is irate at referee David Rosenkrantz for counting too slow!
MN: I call shenanigans! Foxx slept with the ref and bribed him to count slow!
DM: Rosenkrantz is happily married!
MN: Yeah, but Foxx is … RRRRROOOWWWW!
DM: It’s that kind of talk that keeps the lawsuits coming, Mikey.
DT: Hart still chastising the official … FOXX WITH THE ROLLUP FROM BEHIND!
ONE…
TWO…
NOOOOO!!!! Shawn Hart’s complaining was SO CLOSE to costing him the TV title right there! Hart pulls himself up, runs straight into a short-arm clothesline from Foxx! Up again, and she nails him with another! To his feet once more … dodges the clothesline, but gets caught with a superkick as he turns around! Foxx is absolutely on fire!
MN: See, Dean, Davey agrees with me. Foxx is HAWT!
DT: Oy.
DM: Thomas, you know a good lawyer for our friend Mikey?
DT: Foxx pulls Shawn Hart up, standing headscissors … STUMP PULLER PILEDRIVER!!!! The champ’s head just ricocheted off the canvas! She covers…
ONE…
TWO…
THREEEE!!! Wait!!! Shawn Hart got his foot on the ropes! Oh, I thought we had a new TV champion right there!
DM: Almost did, and if this keeps up, we certainly will.
DT: Foxx slingshots the apron … Hart is up … SPRINGBOARD SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!!! Foxx hit him straight on! Pulls him up, she wants her Cerberus suplex combo!
DM: She gets this, that ends it!
MN: Hate to break it to ya, Deano, but that ain’t happenin’.
DT: Shawn Hart is firing elbows to the side of Foxx’s head, and he breaks the waistlock! Hooks the head … HART ATTACK … BLOCKED!!! Hart comes off the ropes … EL CODO EXPLOSIVO!!!! WAIT!!! Foxx ducked, and Shawn Hart nailed David Rosenkrantz with that devastating bionic elbow! The referee is DOWN and OUT!
MN: Well, that’s one way to avoid losing.
DT: Foxx charges for a clothesline … swing and a miss! Hart flips her over for a Tombstone Piledriver … REVERSED BY FOXX … REVERSED BY THE PHENOM!!!! And he drops her down on her head violently with that tombstone.
MN: Anyone else dizzy?
DM: No, just you, Mikey. But then, you get dizzy after going through a revolving door once.
MN: Do not! Well, just those 17 times at the hotel last night.
DT: With the referee out, Shawn Hart is taking over right now. Picks Foxx up, lets her hang in the air for a long, LONG time … and comes crashing down with a devastating vertical suplex!
DM: There may not be a referee, Thomas, but Shawn Hart is winning this match and keeping his title with this offensive series.
DT: Hart is just pounding on Foxx, dropping elbows and knees on her upper back, and punishing his challenger! Pulls her up, reverse waistlock … RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX … WHAT A DISPLAY OF AGILITY FROM FOXX!!!!
MN: Sweet mother of god!
DT: Foxx backflipped in midair and landed on her feet! Hart spins around, catches a kick to the midsection … off the ropes comes Foxx … TORNADO DDT!!! Foxx has injected herself right back into this match!
DM: These two have been going back and forth all night, Dave, and neither won has been able to sustain an advantage.
DT: This might help, Dean, as Foxx is going for the Vixen’s Tail! Locks in the sharpshooter, bridges back, hooks the head and pulls!!!! Vixen’s Tail locked in right in the center of the ring, and Shawn Hart is in AGONY!
DM: I’ve been in holds like this before, and you do not want to be in it for long.
MN: Doesn’t matter, no ref.
DT: Hart is being wrenched around, wrapped up like a pretzel in this hold, and just look at the determination on Foxx’s face as she contorts herself to tighten the Vixen’s Tail! She pulls back again … THAT’S IT!!!! SHAWN HART IS TAPPING OUT!!! THE PHENOM HAS TAPPED OUT!!!
MN: Doesn’t matter…
DT: SHAWN HART HAS TAPPED OUT TO THE VIXEN’S TAIL, AND FOXX SHOULD BE TV CHAMPION! BUT, DAMNIT, THERE IS NO REFEREE!!!!!!
DM: I’m pretty sure she wants to remedy that right now.
DT: Foxx trying to revive David Rosenkrantz, she’s got him up … HART SNEAKS UP FROM BEHIND!!!! INSIDE CRADLE…
ONE…
TWO….
THRRRRRRRRR…NOOOOO!!!! I though that had done it, but Foxx was able to kick out of that cradle at the absolute last moment before the referee’s hand slapped the mat for the third time!
DM: There’s that veteran savvy from Hart, and you can throw some abject desperation in there as well.
DT: Foxx is up, wants a high kick … blocked by Hart! She spins around, straight into a released belly to belly suplex! Hart pulls Foxx to the middle of the ring … FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK … Foxx counters it into a cradle of her own! Hart’s shoulders on the mat…
ONE…
TWO…
KICKOUT AT TWO AND NINE TENTHS!!!! And both competitors are slow to get up, with the Phenom getting to his feet first. Foxx gets up, turns around … SHAWN HART TRIED THE SUPERKICK AND MISSED!!! Hart spins around … HART ATTACK!!! Foxx hit Hart with her version of his patented Diamond Cutter! And Foxx is going up top!
MN: Psycho flippy time! Everyone get the flashbulbs ready!
DT: She sets herself … takes flight … VIXEN’S DIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEEE—NOBODY HOME!!!! Hart got out of the way at the last moment!
DM: Pure instinct on the part of the champ.
DT: Both competitors down, and David Rosenkrantz is into his ten count…
FANS: THREE!!!!
FOUR!!!!
FIVE!!!!
SIX!!!!
SEVEN!!!!
EIGHT!!!!
DT: Shawn Hart rolls over, drapes and arm over Foxx…
ONE…
TWO…
THREEEEEE!!! NO!!!!!!! Holy hell, Foxx won’t give in after crashing and burning on the Vixen’s Dive!
MN: That’s impressive, because I’m pretty sure she was dead twelve seconds ago.
DT: Hart is up and groggy, pulls Foxx to her feet … HART ATTACK … Foxx shoves Hart away again!!! On the rebound … EL CODO EXPLOSIVO—MISSED!!! Foxx now off the ropes … ASAI MOONSAULT—NOOOOO!!! Hart dropped down and Foxx landed on her feet! Foxx spins the champ around, snaps off a kick to the midsection! Whip off the ropes, Foxx to the other side … OH MY!!!! Foxx swung through the ropes and connected with a back leg lariat! From the apron … SPRINGBOARD HURRICANRANA!!! Foxx holds on for the pin … HART SHIFTS HIS WEIGHT AND ROLLS THROUGH!!!!
ONE…
TWO…
THREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Despite a superhuman effort from Foxx, including getting Shawn Hart to tap out to the Vixen’s Tail out of sight of the referee, the Phenom is still TV champion! But, with Foxx getting this close, how long can it be until this gutsy young woman breaks through?
[The EmpireTron lights up, giving us a view near the athlete's entrance to the arena, where a long black limo with an "EPW" license plate pulls up near the entrance. The driver gets out of the car, and opens the back door. Out of the car steps none other than Dan Ryan!]
DT: It's the owner of EPW!
MN: Fresh from the butthole of Japan, where Irishred forced him to wrestle some match against a double amputee! What dedication to the sport, and to his company!
DM: You can stop sucking up now, Neely.
[Ryan stretches, then heads for the arena entrance.
CUT TO: Inside the arena, on the other side of the athlete's door. The door opens, and Dan Ryan steps over the threshold. He doesn't get two steps, when...]
Voice: Excuse me, sir.
[Ryan stops dead in his tracks, and looks to where the voice is coming from. His eyes widen as he notices Beast, in his Security officer's uniform.]
Ryan: And what the hell do YOU want, Marcus?
Beast: Sir, regulations stipulate that no one enters the arena through this entrance without being subjected to a search.
MN: What?
Ryan: You've GOT to be kidding me.
Beast [a ****-eating grin on his face]: Up against the wall, please, sir.
Ryan: Surely you're not serious.
Beast: I don't know anyone named Shirley, and if she says I do, she's lying. Now, shall I get the rubber glove, or are you going to do this the easy way, sir?
Ryan: You ARE serious.
Beast [still smiling]: Come on, Dan, surely you were watching the show in your high-priced limo. And if you didn't, I'm guessing your two little midget friends Anarky and Shane called you two seconds after they got backstage to fill you in on everything. I'm the Head of Security, and I personally don't care if you're the freaking Queen of England - I'll search whomever I damned well please. Now.... UP AGAINST THE WALL.
[Ryan just glares at Beast for a moment and smirks, before turning and placing his hands on the wall.]
Beast: Spread your legs, assh*le.
[Beat.]
Beast: Wow, I bet you never hear that from anyone other than Steven Shane.
[Beast proceeds to pat Ryan down, and stops as he pats down his front pocket.]
Beast: Dan, is that an implement in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
[Beast reaches into Ryan's pocket...]
Beast: Nope, definitely not happy to see me...
[... and pulls out a fairly small jacknife. Beast pops it open, and the blade might be lucky if it was two inches long. Beast holds it up and turns Ryan around.]
Beast: Well... what do we have here?
Ryan: Oh, for the love of...
Beast: I'd call that a concealed weapon.
Ryan: Don't go there, Marcus.
Beast: I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me, sir.
Ryan: Think about what you're doing.
Beast: Oh, I've thought about it already. GET YOUR ASS TO JAIL! [TM Cartman.]
Ryan: Marcus, you're going to have to MAKE me.
[Beast snaps his fingers, and out of nowhere, an armada of fairly large security officers file in behind Beast.]
Beast: Want to test me, Dan?
[Ryan just sighs.
CUT TO: A small "holding cell" in the bowels of the arena, most likely the shipping area. Beast has Ryan shoe-horned into the small room, and Beast closes the door and locks it.]
Ryan: Beast, I'm not going to forget this.
Beast: Enjoy your stay, sir.
[Beast turns to walk away, but suddenly he's ambushed as Anarky flies into the scene, nailing Beast with a flying forearm to the face! Beast drops, and Anarky pulls him to his feet, before...
CRUNCH!]
Crowd: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MN: ANARKY JUST HIT BEAST WITH THE CHAOS BREAKER THROUGH A STACK OF WOODEN PALLETTES!
[Anarky gets back to his feet, and rips the key chain off of Beast's pants, and moves to unlock Ryan's cell. Ryan exits, and simply spits on Beast as he and Anarky walk away...]