[The sounds of monks chanting plays over the PA, and the crowd starts to cheer, as fog drifts across the stage.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you at this time, the former EPW World Heavyweight Champion and current Head of EPW Security.... BEAST!
MN: Oh great. Another Loafy promo.
DM: Wow, you really hate the guy, don't you?
MN: Let's just say he's not on my Christmas card list.
DT: Neely, *I'm* not on your Christmas card list, and we work together.
MN: Oh, right. I've been meaning to fix that. Sorry.
[A monster red and white pyro explosion at center stage coincides with the crunching guitar of Nickelback's "Figure You Out". Beast steps through the fog and smoke to a big pop and stands at center stage for a few moments, clipboard in hand, taking in the cheers. He then proceeds to the ring amidst a flurry of moving red and white spotlights.]
MN: Can I go to the bathroom now?
MN: Can I get a beer?
[Beast enters the ring, and grabs a mic from Fatora.]
Beast: So, I'm sitting at home the other day, and I get a call from my buddy <b>Irishred</b>...
Beast: ...and Red says "Beast, I 'm a little bored. I'm laying in this freaking bed all day long, with nothing to do but watch TV, and I thought I'd like to have a little fun. I'd like to be entertained."
MN: Oh, I don't know if I like where THIS is going.
Beast: So I asked Red what he had in mind, and he told me that he needed a match for the upcoming joint Super Show we're all going to be a part of. But he wanted to be surprised. He wanted to be entertained. Red said "Beastie-boy, give me a match I can ENJOY."
MN: I REALLY don't like where this is going.
DT: Neely, shut up!
Beast: And I said "Red, I've got just the match for you."
[Beast raises the clipboard high in the air.]
Beast: In this hand I've got the signed order from Irishred. The match is done. It's signed, sealed, and delivered, baby, and I, for one, am going to love the HELL out of this match! Who's in it, you ask?
LINDSAY TROY, GET YOUR SCRAWNY ASS OUT HERE!!!
DT: OH MY! Beast has just called out the World Champion!
[A few moments pass, and finally, "Trampled Underfoot" by Led Zeppelin plays over the PA, and the crowd ROARS as Lindsay Troy steps through the curtain, the EPW World Heavyweight Championship over her left shoulder. Lindsay stops at center stage, and starts to raise her mic, but Beast cuts her off.]
Beast: NO WAY, sister. This is MY time. You just stand there like a good little girl and LISTEN.
Now, last week on Aggression, you took it upon yourself to strike an EPW official. Namely, me. What's the matter, Lindz? You can't accept a random joke here and there? You seem to have no problem accepting random MEN with open arms - or should I say, OPEN LEGS.
MN: OH SNAP!
[Troy fumes and rolls her eyes, while Beast continues.]
Beast: Since you've got a sense of humor that only the Queen would enjoy, you're going to have to suffer a little bit as a result. You've got yourself a match at the Super Show. And now, it's time for you to meet your opponent.
[The Queen just crosses her arms and motions for Beast to get on with it. He waves toward the back.]
Beast: Go on boys, bring him out!
[“Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar begins to play over the PA, and the crowd responds with some cheers, and some jeers. Lindsay Troy's head snaps to the left-side curtain as... ]
MN: HOLY HELL!!
DT: JOEY MELTON!
[Melton walks out onto the stage, not even looking at Lindsay, who now looks obviously disgusted.]
MN: I might have to take some of this back! Beast is an evil genius!
Beast: Now, I know you two little lovebirds have had your little problems, what with the whole faux marriage and all, and I'm no therapist, but I thought you two deserved a second chance - to RIP EACH OTHER'S HEADS OFF, as well as bring our ratings back up and redeem yourselves after the debacle you two gave us last time out!
DM: Now, THAT just might have gone a little too far.
Beast: At the Super Show, you two have got yourselves a match! Aw, Joey, don't look so glum! At least if Lindsay kicks your ass, you've still got your shiny new tag team title back, right? Not all is lost!
And, ladies and gentlemen, if you call in the next ten minutes, you're not just going to get the Troy/Melton match at Super Show, and because Irishred loves him some violence... we're going to give you a free upgrade...
... TO A STEEL CAGE MATCH!!
MN: Can he DO this! This is awesome!
DT: It's already done! The match has been signed by Irishred!
Beast: And that's not all!
Beast: If you're one of the first thousand callers, we're going to throw in a little gold for you! Joey, you've got a chance to add to your little hardware collection, because the EPW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP IS ON THE LINE!!
[The crowd explodes!]
Beast: Whoa whoa whoa!! But that’s not all EITHER!! Since Steven Shane chose not to show up for his match tonight with Arson Zanders, I’m assigning a replacement….and that replacement is…..”THE EGO BUSTER” DAN RYAN!!!
[Crowd explosion: The Sequel]
Beast: That’s right. Get your boots on, Dan. Your match is on….in five!!
DT: WOW!! What an announcement from Beast! Melton and Troy, in a steel cage at the Super Show, with the EPW World Heavyweight Title on the line! And Arson Zanders facing off with Dan Ryan right now with no notice whatsoever!!! I need a break after all this!
[We fade to the back as Troy glares at Beast, Melton still averting his eyes from his estranged wife, and Beast with a big smile on his face in the ring.]
[Scene opens up backstage at Kemper arena. Delroy Hawkins is leaning up against the wall waiting in front of a closed door. His face is anxious and excited. Stalker comes out from the door with a smirk on his face and Delroy looks at him anxiously awaiting him to speak.]
Stalker: I'm in..
[Delroy's face lights up as Jason's face turns into an almost evil grin.]
Stalker: I told them you were my manager, but listen Delroy if anyone asks about why you are here or who you are here with don't mention my name.
Delroy: Why's that boss?
Stalker: Because I was informed that due to the fact that I'm brand new to Empire Pro Wrestling, they don't want a scrub like me thinking I can just challenge anyone here.
Delroy: You ain't no scrub, you could destroy practically all the wrestlers here.
Stalker: I know that and you know that. Management however wants to be proven otherwise. They've already booked me for a couple of house shows, so i'll just have to bide my time. Other then that why don't you go check out the show? I'm going to check up on a few things back here.
Delroy: Alright boss, good luck.
[Delroy heads off behind Jason as he continues to make his way down the hallway. Stopping to glance at Sean Steven's locker room as well as that of Ice Tre's. He turns the corner and suddenly stops dead in his tracks gazing directly at something. The camera pans over to see Rocko Daymon's name on the door in front of him. Jason rubs his chin as he stares at it closely, smiling to himself, almost laughing.]
Stalker: It's been so long...
[Jason moves closely to the door as he looks both ways to make sure no one is around him. He places his head against it trying to listen in. After a few moments he again looks both ways and grabs the doorknob, he stands up against the wall next to the door and flings it open quickly. Waiting a few moments in complete silence he seems satisified that no one is around and darts into the room closing the door behind him.]
[SFX: Ring bell x 3]
TONY FATORA: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, with no time limit. Introducing first...He hails from Houston, Texas, filling in for Steven Shane... he isssss DAAAAAAAAAAAAAN... RYYYYYAAAAAANNNNNN!!!
[CUE UP: “Zero” by Smashing Pumpkins]
[Dan Ryan appears from the back with a sour look on his face and makes his way to the ring.]
DT: Dan Ryan is here now and he does not look happy.
DM: Beast played the trump card and now has forced Ryan to take Steven Shane's place in his match. We'll see how Ryan reacts to this move.
TF: And, his opponent...
[CUE UP: "End All" by Anathema.]
TF: Fighting out of Manchester, England, he stands six feet, one inch tall, and weighs in at two-hundred and four pounds, he is The Inferno... he is... ARRRRRRRRSONNNNNNNN ZAAAAAAAANDERRRRRRRS!!
[A pyro blast goes off around the stage as Zanders comes through the curtain and begins walking down the ramp. He is accompanied by his trainer, Blaine Richards, and his brother, Erick Zanders. Blaine whispers something in Erick's ear and Erick nods in agreement and heads backstage.]
DT: Here comes Arson Zanders, a relative newcomer to EPW, but coming off an impressive DQ victory over Nakita Dahaka last week.
MN: You think he felt her up last week? I bet he did!
DM: I bet you would if you were in there.
MN: I wouldn't even hesitate.
DT: Aside from that bad thought, Zanders is looking to score a big win tonight over the much more experienced Dan
DM: He's going to need every single shooting fighting move tonight to pull this one off. DanRyan will not let the newcomer get off the hook easily.
[SFX: Ring bell!]
DT: Alright, we're under way! Lock up coming up... but Ryan steps away and slaps Zanders in the face!
DM: That will leave a mark! Zanders just stares at Ryan but Ryan is not afraid of the cage fighter.
MN: Maybe they'll start making out soon. That would be the perfect ending to this homo-erotic adventure so far.
DT: Watch out! Zanders just kicked Ryan in the right knee! He's fallen over to his left knee and is not absorbing rapid fire punches from Zanders!
DT: Ryan didn't see that one coming. Zanders is a master of stiff kicks and jabs, he'll be trying to wear out Ryan with the constant barrage.
MN: I hate this Zanders guy. Kick, punch, kick, punch...this isn't Street Fighter!
DT: Zanders is picking Ryan up by the hair after pelting him with one stiff strike after another. And....WATCH OUT! Ryan just hit a low blow on Zanders as he was getting back to his feet!
DM: There's classic Dan Ryan technique for you right there. Zanders is stunned and Ryan takes the advantage picking Zanders up and scoop slamming him down to the canvas.
MN: I bet Zanders doesn't get much of that in the cage.
DT: Ryan with the advantage now as he goes for the quick cover...
DM: Way too early for a pin now but Ryan is looking to end this now.
DT: Ryan picks Zanders back up and whips him into the corner. Zanders looks stunned as Ryan rushes toward him with a huge lariat and connects!
The crowd lets out a huge "Oooooooooh!"
DM: Even the crowd reacting to the impact of that collison. Ryan is now on the second turnbuckle straddling Zanders and laying into him with one punch after another!
Crowd chants along with the punches...1...2...3....4...5......
DT: Zanders picks up Ryan from the turnbuckle, spins him around and hits a huge spinebuster! Ryan looks dazed!
MN: That was straight out of UFC: Tapout! I played that last night on PS2!
DM: Quit it, Neel.
DT: Zanders trying to keep pace with Ryan here, but Ryan has just reversed a slam attempt by Zanders and instead gives Zanders knee to the gut! Ryan follows up with a knee lift to the face and Zanders is back down to the canvas!
DM: Ryan is looking good here. His experience far outmeasures Zanders.
DT: Ryan sets Zanders up for a suplex and holds him up there....2...3...4 seconds! The blood is rushing straight to Zanders' head!
DM: Zanders might be out for the count up there!
MN: I think Zanders is coming down for a quick landing...
DT: And Ryan drops Zanders down into a brainbuster! This might be it! Ryan is signaling its over!!
Referee counts 1...2...KICK OUT!
DM: He's not done yet! Zanders showing resilience but has yet to break Ryan down like he did to Nakita last week.
DT: Ryan setting Zanders up for the piledriver but can't get him up! Zanders is blocking! Zanders reverses with a sunset flip sending Ryan crashing to the mat!
DM: Great counter there by Zanders! But he looks dazed!
MN: Someone stick a fork in him, he's done.
DT: Zanders turns around and whips Ryan into the ropes but Ryan ducks under the clothesline! Ryan hits the other side of the ropes and hits a shoulder tackle on Zanders!
DM: Zanders was playing too much wrestler right there. When was the last time we saw him use the ropes like that?
DT: Ryan is in complete control right now, as is expected, with the experience and status he holds over Zanders. He lays the boots to Zanders who has put up a good fight but right now looks a bit over matched.
Crowd begins to chant "In-Fer-No! In-Fer-No!"
DM: Listen to this crowd...it sounds like they are trying to get behind Zanders.
MN: Morons! Back a winner please.
DT: Ryan looks distracted by the crowd and....look, Beast is walking down from the back. Ryan has just noticed him!
DM: What is Beast doing here?!
DT: Ryan is yelling something at Beast, meanwhile, Zanders is getting back to his feet. Ryan turns around and is hit with a jumping knee to the face! Ryan is down!
DM: Beast is making his way to ringside and is watching the match intently!
DT: Zanders takes Ryan into his arms and executes a back breaker. Ryan is writhing in pain. Now Zanders grabs him again and whips him into the ropes going for another clothesline, but Ryan ducks underneth and locks in a sleeper hold!!
MN: Goodnight, sweet English man. Goodnight.
DM: This might be it! Great showing by Zanders but he's in the middle of the ring with no where to go...
DT: The referee has got Zanders' arm and it falls once....twice....thr....NO! The arm doesn't fall a third time! He's still up!
Crowd begins to stand and stomp their feet.
DM: Listen to this crowd! They are urging Zanders on, and meanwhile, Ryan can't believe it!
DT: Zanders is struggling against the hold and gets a head of steam and runs forward towards the corner....Ryan hits face first into the top turnbuckle!!
MN: That'll leave a mark for sure!
DT: Ryan is slow to get to his feet and is watching Beast as he does. Zanders comes from behind and attempts to lock in a nerve hold at the neck! Ryan is squealing in pain but nails Zanders with a left elbow which catches him in the jaw.
DM: Zanders keeps fighting but Ryan continues to have the advantage.
DT: Ryan grabs Zanders and holds him by the throat. Here we go....CHOKESLAM!
DM: It's over!
DT: Ryan about to go for the pin...wait, he's pointing at Beast! What is he doing?
DM: Beast is jawing at Ryan also. Meanwhile, Zanders is ripe for the pin!
MN: After that chokeslam I think Zanders will be heading back to Manchester with a serious back problem.
DT: Ryan continuing to jaw with Beast, meanwhile Zanders is back on his feet. He's dazed but sees what's going on. He sneaks up from behind and locks in a full nelson!
DM: The crowd is going crazy! Ryan looks like he doesn't know what's going on!
MN: I haven't seen a full nelson in twenty years. Zanders is cheating!
DT: Ryan continues to struggle but has no where to go! Zanders lifts Ryan in the air and suplexes him over....but holds on to the full nelson and bridges into a pinning combo! DRAGON SUPLEX!
DM: Ryan is stuck! The count is going for the pin!!
Referee counts 1...2...3! The bell sounds as the crowd erupts into cheers.
DT: ITS OVER! ITS OVER! Ryan gets back to his feet in shock as Zanders rolls out of the ring! This crowd is cheering but they are just as shocked as Ryan is! Ryan yelling at the official and he simply cannot believe it!
DM: Upset city! Beast caused distraction while Zanders takes advantage for his second straight victory and his first clean pin!
MN: You call that clean?! That's about as clean as my nose.
DT: Zanders is making his way to the back with his arms raised as Ryan continues to argue with the ref in the ring. What a victory for...WAIT A MINUTE! A masked man has just appeared from backstage and he has a chair in his hand!
DM: Zanders is turned around, he doesn't see it coming!
MN: OUCH CITY!
DT: The chair slams against the back of Zanders' head! Zanders is down! The masked man is slamming that chair against Zanders' back now! Is this the same masked man that cost him the match against Rocko Daymon during the KOTC tournament?!
DM: It could be! He didn't make an appearance last week but here he is and he's doing serious damage!
DT: Security has just appeared with Blaine Richards behind them but the masked man has jumped the guard rail into the audience! My GOD! Zanders is out and with that beating I don't know how he could get up anytime soon.
DM: He's not. Here comes the stretcher.
MN: Great win, Zanders. Your prize? Your very own hospital bed, complete with x-ray and CT scan. That’ll be a fifty dollar co-pay please.
DT: Folks, we'll be right back....