DT: Leonard Johnson leading Max and Jecht out of the ring and back up the aisle… I can’t believe what we just heard! My God! Folks, we have to take a break…we’ll be right back after a word from….James Irish?? Alright folks, let’s take a look.
FADE IN: A silhouette of James Irish's profile, facing stage left, against a plain white background.
James Irish: “*ahem*... The Challenge, a Haiku by James Irish
A good place to get started
[A Japanese flute plays a couple notes followed immediately by a strike of a small drum. James tilts his head and chuckles, seemingly amused. ]
“Woah... I like this new production guy. Nice touch.”
DT: Well that was….weird
MN: Heh…you have to admit, the guy is entertaining.
DM: And weird.
MN: But funny.
DM: Funny weird.
DT: [laughing] Okay guys. Let’s get to what we’ve been waiting for, the big main event three way dance between….hold on. I’m getting word on something going on backstage. Let’s hold off on that match and see what’s going on…
[CUT TO: The backstage area, as we see crumpled on the floor, the bleeding mass of Ivan Dalkichev. Near his head, a bent steel pipe, the bend a very steep angle, showing the force it took to lay him out and cause the cut to his forehead. We can hear some more scuffling, but as we pan up, we see Erik Black slumping to the floor, his back against a now slightly cracked wall, as the massive half-Hispanic frame of Jecht stands straight again. Max steps into view, tossing his partner his gym bag, as we notice a small smattering of blood on his arm – presumably Ivan’s, as there are no cuts to be seen. Clapping, Leonard Johnson now enters the scene – a seen of devastation, with pipes disturbed, a table knocked over, scattering water bottles and food dangerously close to power cables. It was evidently a short fight, and the Chronic Collizion were clearly caught by surprise, or they would’ve fought back. Leonard smiles sadistically down at the Russian giant, who, starting to stir, mutters something, until a swift boot by Max puts him back down. Still smiling, Leonard walks over to the slumped figure of Erik Black, and lowers his face level with his]
LJ: “Remember when you attacked us at the first Wrestleverse, you ran away a few weeks later, before we could get payback?
Well… let’s see how YOU like it.”
[Leonard stands up, delivering a swift kick to Erik’s gut, probably in retaliation for the chair attack at said Wrestleverse. He straightens his jacket, before walking over to Max and Jecht]
LJ: “Let’s leave this children’s play-pen. I need to change shoes after stepping in that crap.”
[He points over at Erik, as Max and Jecht both break into laughter. We stay on them as they walk down the corridor, Max limping slightly, and as they disappear from view, we pan back to the carnage, as security and medical teams rush to the scene.]
DT: Well, Blitz certainly making a point on their way out.
DM: I have it on good authority, Dave that Blitz didn’t appreciate Chronic Collizion’s behavior the first go-round several years back – and this time, at least for now…they’re getting the last laugh.
DT: Folks, coming up in just moments, have we got a main event for you!
DM: I'm interested to see how this goes, that's for sure. This match was personally made by Anarky, and he even allowed Beast to choose the third man in this three way dance!
MN: The only time the term "three-way" should be used is when it involves me, Rebecca Romijn, and all the models from Deal Or No Deal.
DM: Then we'd never get to use it, Neels.
MN: That's tru-HEY! I just meant it should never be used when Big Loafy is involved, that's all.
DT: Okay, Neeely, let's settle down. We'll throw things over to Tony Fatora for the ring introductions!
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, the following three way dance is scheduled for one fall, and is the MAIN EVENT of the evening! Introducing first!
Duke Jupiter's "I'll Drink To You" begins to blare over the PA, and the crowd gets to their feet, letting out a pop.
DC: He stands six feet, three inches tall, and weighs in at 245 pounds... hailing from Fredonia, New York... accompanied by his mangager, Erin Flanagan... he is... JAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES IIIIIIIIIIIIIIRISH!!
DT: As we watch James come down the ramp, there's a guy that really doesn't want to be here.
DM: Correction, Dave. James wants to be here, but he doesn't want to be here under Beast's terms. James isn't here to help Beast fight his battle against Anarky and Dan Ryan, he's here to win this match on his own merit and prove his status here in Empire Pro.
MN: Such noble nonsense.
TF: Aaaand, his opponent!
The sounds of monks chanting plays over the PA, and the crowd starts to cheer, as fog drifts across the stage.
TF: He stands at six feet, six inches tall, and weighs in at 285 pounds... wrestling out of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada... he is the former EPW World Heavyweight Champion... the Alpha Male... BEEEEEEAST!!
A monster red and white pyro explosion at center stage coincides with the crunching guitar of Nickelback's "Figure You Out". Beast steps through the fog and smoke to a big pop and stands at center stage for a few moments, taking in the cheers. He then proceeds to the ring amidst a flurry of moving red and white spotlights.
DT: What a position Beast is in tonight. He had the freedom to choose a third man for this match, and had a huge opportunity to get someone on his side to fight against Anarky. He chose Irish, believing that their mutual friendship with Irishred would bring them together for this match, but Irish turned the tables on Beast, choosing instead to fight this match on his own.
MN: That just goes to show that Beast is a moron. I've been saying that all along.
DM: Beast IS in a rough spot here tonight, but he's been in worse situations. So have all three men in this match, and I'm just looking forward to a great three man match.
TF: And, their opponent!
Tool's "Sober" hits the PA, and the crowd lets out a torrent of boos. Anarky steps out of the back, paying on attention to the fans, but heading straight for the ring, his eyes locked on Beast's.
TF: Standing six feet tall and weighing two hundred and thirty-four pounds, hailing from Hartford, Conneticut, he is the CHAIRMAN of EPW... he is ANARKY!!
MN: Anarky's going to turn Big Loafy into Goo!
DT: Anarky's certainly got some sort of vendetta against Beast, due to Beast and Ryan's relationship, and you know that Anarky's not out here to get his hand raised. He just wants to hurt Beast - and Irish too! It doesn't matter that Beast picked Irish in this match - Anarky will injure him either way!
DM: Anarky's got that ultraviolent streak in him that I'm not sure the other two men in this match have, but Irish is more of a technician, and Beast is just flat out bigger and way stronger than both of these guys, so each man has their own advantage!
DT: That's exactly right, Dean, and it'll all come down to who can use it to their advantage!
As Anarky gets in the ring, he comes right at Beast, but the official steps in the way and keeps the order.
MN: I'm not sure the ref wants to do that. He might just want to step back and let these three guys beat the hell out of each other.
As the official keeps Anarky back away from Beast and Irish at least until he's ready to start the match, Beast turns to Irish and starts talking.
DT: It looks like Beast is trying to talk to Irish one last time about partnering up here tonight to take on Anarky! He's making one last plea to Irish to fight on his side for Irishred!
MN: Bah! Beast is begging for his life, because he knows Anarky is going to tear him apart!
DT: Oh, come on!
MN: Beast wants Irish to save his ass!
DT: Well, whatever it is, Irish isn't buying it! We can see Irish slowly nodding his head and pointing at himself. He wants to fight this one on his own, and Beast doesn't look too happy about... WHOA!!
MN: Anarky broke free from the ref and splashed Irish in the corner!
[ SFX: Ring bell. The crowd boos heavily. ]
DM: And there's a snake eyes on Irish in the corner by the Chairman!
DT: But Beast grabs Anarky, and starts laying in with the right hands! The Chairman starts to fight back, but Beast is really drilling him with those right hands! He's got Anarky backed up to the ropes! BIG CLOTHESLINE and there goes Anarky over the top to the arena floor!
[ Crowd cheers. ]
Beast heads back over to James and helps him up off the canvas, but James just shrugs him off!
MN: Loafy, will you just give up the Boy Scout routine for once?!?
DT: Beast's showing James that he's willing to help him, so why shouldn't James help Beast? And James is CONTINUING to refuse!
MN: Give it up, Loafy!
Finally, Beast steps back and holds up his hands in an "ok, ok", and takes a swing at James! James takes a swing at Beast! Th3e crowd goes NUTS as Beast and James Irish stand toe to toe in the middle of the ring!
DT: Beast and James Irish have EXPLODED right before our eyes, folks!
MN: They're trading right hands like Pokemon cards!
DM: That's SO lame, Neely.
DT: Both men are firing haymakers back and forth, but it's finally Beast with his size and strength that gets the upper hand, and he lands a few more rights to Irish's face before whipping him to the ropes. Irish rebounds, and there's a big spinebuster from the former World Champ!
DM: Take a look boys, but Anarky is skulking around ringside! There he goes into the ring, but he stays in the far corner, away from the action!
DT: Beast has Irish up... BIG backbreaker, and I swore I heard Irish's spine rearrange on that one!
James falls to the canvas, arching his back and clutching at it, yelling out in pain. The official takes a quick look at him, and as he does, Anarky chooses that moment to sprint across the ring...
[ Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!! ]
DT: ANARKY JUST NAILED BEAST WITH THE RING BELL!! BEAST IS OUT!
Anarky jumps on Beast and starts wailing away at the big man, driving his fists into Beast's forehead!
DM: Every time Anarky pulls his hand back, you can see blood on it! Beast's been busted open!
Finally, the official gets in and breaks Anarky off of Beast, warning him about the closed fists, but Anarky just ignores him, but James Irish tackles Anarky to the canvas! James hooks in Anarky's legs and grabs his arms...
DT: Mexican surfboard from Irish! He's found a great opportunity to end this match, and quickly!
DM: What a move from Irish! I've never seen anyone hook one of those in so fast!
James has Anarky locked in, but it soon becomes apparent that Anarky isn't going to submit. James lets go of the hold, and Anarky falls to the canvas, but James stays right on him and nails a couple boots to the back of Anarky's head. James then pulls Anarky to his feet, hooks him in for a suplex, but hammerlocks Anarky's free arm behind him...
DT: NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX!!
DT: And James is bridging for the pin!
DT: James as Anarky up now.. there's a whip to the ropes. Anarky rebounds, and there's a spinning heel kick from Irish!
DM: Well placed too! Right into the mush!
DT: Once again James pulls Anarky up, and plants Anarky down with one of his favorite moves, the double arm DDT! He goes for another cover!
[ Crowd groans as Anarky kicks out. ]
DT: Back up to his feet now, James pulls an ever-increasingly slower Anarky to his feet, and gets him in a side headlock. James takes off for the corner...
DM: Looks like a tornado DDT coming up!
DT: Another one of Irish's favorites! There's the turn... NO! Anarky pushed Irish off and halfway across the ring! There's a followup low dropkick to the face of Irish! Anarky pulls James to his feet, and fires him into the corner! Anarky lays into Irish with a series of knees to the guts, and there's some right hands! Here comes the ref to make his five count!
MN: That's BS, Thomas!
DT: You've been in this business for HOW long, Neely, and you don't know you can't use closed fists?
The referee gets Anarky off of Irish long enough for Anarky to move back a few steps and come charging back at the corner and drive a high knee up into Irish's face! The official gets in there and forcibly pushes Anarky out of the corner, and the Chairman of EPW simply just turns away from the official, then charges all the way back across the ring...
DT: Anarky's looking for a running clothesline here.... NO!! Irish got his knees up into Anarky's face!
Anarky staggers away from the corner...
[ Crowd: OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ]
DM: GORE!! BEAST JUST GORED ANARKY RIGHT OUT OF HIS BOOTS!!!
[ Crowd pop! ]
Beast gets back to his feet...
DT: JUMP SWINGING DDT ON BEAST!
[ Crowd pop! ]
DT: There's a cover!
[ Crowd cheers! ]
DM: I swear to God that James Irish knows more variations on the DDT than Neely here has made hand-parties to Hustler magazine!
MN: That's an awful lot of DDT variations-HEY!!!!
James pulls Beast to his feet.
MN: Wow, Beast left a huge blood-stain on the canvas!
DT: Irish whip, and Beast ducks under an Irish clothesline. Boot to the guts from Beast...
DM: Tiger suplex and Irish is down!
DT: So is Beast!
The official starts to administer his 10 count, but both men reach their feet at 6. James still has enough to come at Beast, who ducks a right hand, but Irish continues on to nail Anarky who was coming up behind Beast! Anarky goes down, and Beast grabs Irish with a school boy roll up!
The ref gets back up from making the count, and Anarky nails him from behind with a forearm to the back of the neck!
MN: How can the ref disqualify Anarky when he didn't see who hit him?
DT: Anarky's the only other guy in the match!
MN: Come on, Dave! ANYONE ELSE could have come into the ring and nailed the ref! You'd think you've been in this business long enough to know that! The ref can't prove anything!
The crowd boos loudly, and Anarky kicks James in the guts before planting him with a DDT! Beast is up, but he also gets a boot in the guts, followed by a swinging neckbreaker! Anarky slides out of the ring, and grabs a chair from under the ring!
DM: This match is about to get ugly!
DT: You know Anarky, guys! He doesn't give a rat's ass! He just wants to make it violent!
Anarky goes back into the ring, and pulls Beast to his feet. He nails a couple rights, before winding up with the chair, and driving a huge overhand smash right down into the forehead of Beast!
[ Crowd: BOOOOO! ]
MN: Beast just went down like an Asian hooker! FAST and HARD!
DM: You know all about those Asian hookers, eh Neels?
A new river of Beast's blood spills onto the canvas, and Anarky throws the chair down to the canvas. He grabs Irish and pulls him to his feet, and lifts the former A1E Champion up into a vertical suplex, but James manages to kick his feet and come back down to the canvas, but James tucks in on the way and curls down, taking Anarky down with him into a nasty nasty DDT!!
DM: There's another one!
DT: And onto that steel chair to boot! James is making a cover!
MN: But there's no ref! Anarky knocked him down!
DT: The crowd is counting! 3! 4! 5! Irish is SCREAMING at the official to get up and make the count! The ref is now moving, but looking pretty groggy!
[ Crowd: 8! 9! 10! ]
DT: James is giving it to the official - GET OVER HERE AND COUNT! The ref gets to his knees, sees the pin, and slowly crawls over to Irish and Anarky!
MN: I could bake a cake in the time it's taking the ref to get over there!
DT: There he is! He's making the count!
DT: ANARKY KICKED OUT!! HE KICKED OUT!
[ Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ]
Irish gets to his feet and gives it to the ref!
DT: Irish has got a pretty good case here!
MN: It's not the ref's fault that Anarky nailed him!
DT: But he got away with it!
Irish turns away from the official, and runs right into a boot to the face from Beast!
DT: I can't believe that Beast is still going here! How can he even see with all the blood streaming down his face? He pulls Irish to his feet... RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX and Irish is gone halfway across the ring!
DM: And once again, both men are down! I think that's all Beast had left in the tank! Beast is a puddle of blood, and Irish is a folded up mess near the corner of the ring! Anarky is still down, and I see that he's been cut open after Irish dropped him on the chair!
Anarky starts to get to his feet, as does Irish as he picks himself up out of the corner. Anarky grabs the chair that was underneath him as he gets up, and as James moves closer, Anarky takes a nasty swing at Irish, but James manages to duck out of the way!
DT: Anarky's had enough! He just wants to all out fight! If there are weapons, then so be it!
The official jumps in between Anarky and Irish, and threatens to DQ Anarky if he continues! James backs off a bit while Anarky and the official share words, and as they do, Beast comes to and slowly rolls out of the ring.
MN: Where the hell is Loafy going?
Beast drops to the arena floor and begins searching under the ring. He comes out with a chair, and rolls back into the ring!
DT: And now Beast's got a chair!
MN: And Anarky shoves the official aside and squares off to face Beast! They're yelling at each other to bring it on and take a shot!
DT: The official is warning them that if they do, this match is over! And look at James Irish! He's had enough! He wants no part of this! He's leaving the ring!
A few more tense moments pass, when finally, both Beast and Anarky come at each other, swinging their chairs!
MN: They've slammed each other's chairs into each other!
[ SFX: Ring bell. ]
DT: And that's it! The official's tossed this match out!
Beast and Anarky drop the chairs, and they start trading right hands!
DT: And here go Beast and Anarky! This match may be done, but they're not!
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, the official has declared this match a <b>NO CONTEST!</b>
Beast and Anarky continue to brawl around the ring, exchanging kicks, punches, elbows, knees, and even headbutts!
[ SFX: DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! ]
DT: They're rolling all around the ropes! Down to the canvas and all over the mat! These two are trying to kill each other! We've got to get some help out here!
The official waves for assistance from the back as Beast and Anarky get to their feet! Anarky nails a European uppercut, then slams Beast onto the canvas! Anarky lands a bunch of punches before Beast manages to roll onto Anarky, and he starts driving elbows and forearms down into Anarky's face!
Finally, EPW Security hits the ring, and starts trying to pull the two men apart!
DT: They're brought up to their feet, but both Beast and Anarky are still trying to get at each other! They're tearing through Security members to try and continue this battle!
DM: Wow, has this ever escalated in one hell of a hurry!
DT: Folks, I hate to do this, but we're outta time! Beast and Anarky are still trying to pound each other in the middle of the ring, with about a dozen security staff trying to pull them apart, but we've got to leave you here! Make sure you contact your cable or sattellite provider and order up WrestleSTOCK! For Dean Matthews and Mike Neely, I'm Dave Thomas! GOODNIGHT!