DT: Well guys, the commercials ran just a tad long so we’ve got Irish and Beautiful standing toe to toe in the middle of the ring already, and this one is for the EPW Television Title. This should be an excellent match up.
MN: Yeah I have a feeling this newcomer, to EPW, Andrew Rossi is going to give Irish a run for his money.
DM: Well.. the bell rings and we are off.
DT: Irish steps up first taking a swing with his right hand at Rossi and he backs up slightly.. smiling at the same time.. dancing around Irish and he moves in.. they lock up.. Irish with an elbow and the upper hand as he whips Rossi into the ropes. Beautiful comes running back and is met with a stiff chop across the chest.
MN: Love tap.
DM: Shut up. Irish follows that up by grabbing hold of Rossi 's head and locks him into a headlock. Working his neck over as he uses his other hand to lay blows across Rossi 's back. Irish again whips Rossi into the ropes... Rossi comes back and Irish meets him with a dropkick. Irish quick to follow it up with an elbow drop across his chest.
MN: Boring....
DT: It just started... and Irish looks to try and wear down the Rossi.
DM: Yeah he's working the boots to him now.
MN: Like I said, boring.
DT: Well.. the fans don't seem to think so.. they're still here.
MN: That's cause I haven't left yet.
DT: Whatever... Irish picks Rossi up by the hair and walks him over to the turnbuckle. Irish... slams Rossi 's head into the top turnbuckle.. again.. and again... and.. wait.. Rossi throws his leg up stopping this last one. Nails Irish in the gut with an elbow and grabs a hold of Irish and slams him into the opposite corner. Rossi charges in.. LARIAT!
MN: Wow.
DM: Irish almost had his head ripped off with that move. Rossi.. taking control now whips Irish into the other corner and AGAIN another massive lariat this one directly into Irish's throat. Irish slumps to the mat and Rossi drags him out of the corner and applies a chokehold that get's the ref's attention.
MN: Oh come on.. it was just a choke.
DT: That's the point. The ref is making Rossi back off and he does but quickly comes back with an elbow drop across Irish's neck. Rossi picking up Irish by the hair now throws him against the ropes.. Rossi charges in.. spins... OHHH.. good lord.. Rossi spun and nailed Irish flush against the neck and a stiff elbow.
MN: He's really working him over at this point.
DM: Rossi kicks Irish and flips him around and applies an elevated boston crab.
MN: I heard he calls that the Manhattan Crab.
DM: For some reason you knowing that doesn't surprise me.
DT: Could it be that it has to do with food? Anyways.. the ref is checking on Irish and Rossi is now applying extra pressure and Irish looks to be in severe pain.. but he's not tapping.
MN: OH man he's going to tap I know it.. and Rossi will be the new Television champion!
DM: Don't think so... Irish grabs a hold of the ropes and the ref forces Rossi to break up the hold.
DT: He does and looks to go right back to work on Irish.. picking him up off the mat he hooks him for a suplex.. and Irish with a stiff elbow to the gut, and another.. Rossi stumbles back Irish with a quick hook and a DDT!
MN: Aww.. come on Simply don't let him get away with that!
DM: The move caught Rossi by surprise and he is not moving but neither is Irish.. the ref is now giving them the standing 10 count.. both now are slowly stirring.. Rossi is to the ropes now and is using them to pull himself up.. Irish is to his knees and looks exhausted.. Rossi comes charging at Irish with a boot but Irish blocks the incoming blow and sends Rossi stumbling to the mat.
DT: Irish picks himself up and Rossi is getting to his feet now full of energy. Irish with a quick punch, and a hook... Jumping... SPINNING DDT!
MN: I wasn't expecting that outta him.
DM: Irish looks full of energy now as he climbs atop the top turnbuckle.. he's waiting for Rossi to get up.. he does... Irish with a missle drop kick! Both men are out!
DT: I'm surprised that Irish had that in him after taking the early beating he received... Irish rolls over and drapes an arm across Rossi... 1....2...NO! Rossi gets his shoulder up.
MN: That's good.. now get up Andrew!
DT: Irish is up to his feet first.. he picks up Rossi by his arm.. hooks him from the back.. GERMAN SUPLEX.. he holds it for the pin... 1.....2....NO! Rossi with another kickout!
DM: James Irish definitely looks frustrated.. He grabs Rossi up by the hair.. hooks him for a double under hook DDT.. but Rossi charges Irish into the turnbuckle.. and SLAMS his shoulder into him again.. he then hooks Irish... BRAINBUSTER SUPLEX! Rossi goes for the cover.. 1.....2....3NO!! Irish barely got his shoulder up on that one.. And Rossi is upset! He is in the ref's face demanding to know why he is not the T.V. champ right now.
MN: He should be asking that question.. that was a slow count.
DT: Well he better pay attention to Irish.. Irish is on his knees and he sees Rossi arguing with the ref he crawls over to him.. IRISH WITH
A ROLL UP ON ROSSI! 1.....2.....3!!! He got the pinfall! IRISH AND ROSSI ARE BOTH IN SHOCK! The ref comes over and raises Irish's hand after the bell..
DM: What a match.. that was definately a close one.... OH NO! Rossi with a clothesline across the back of Irish's head. Andrew Rossi is definately upset with the match's outcome and he's taking it out on Irish with kicks to the back of the head. The ref tries to break it up but Rossi just pushes him off. Irish is taking a beating in the middle of the ring..
MN: He deserves it.. Rossi was robbed of this match..
DT: Well The Sarge certainly doesn't think so! He charges the ring and Rossi sees him and scatters out the back way.. makes his way around the ring and up the ramp to get away from Sarge... Irish is up to his knees now and Andrew Rossi is simply smiling at the both of them as he makes his exit up the ramp way.
DT: We have an interesting tag team match-up on the way. Of course, The Forsaken have been taken out of the equation due to the events involving Dope earlier tonight. But still, on one side, you have the first-ever Empire Pro Tag Team Champions in the Chronic Collision…
MN: You mean the CHRONIC COLLIZION!!
DM: Formerly the Crimson Calling.
DT: …right, which of course was the name they went under when they WERE the champions. Of course, their opponents are the CURRENT champions in C.E. Augustus and C.P. Nero, the Proletariat.
DM: Here they come…
[The sound of a flicking lighter... water bubbling... and obnoxious COUGHING heralds the intro to "10001110101" by Clutch. As the music swings into its first bluesy hard rock riff, "The Raging Russian" Ivan Dalkichev storms onto the stage, downing the last of his bottle of vodka, which he immediately SMASHES on the ground and beats his chest with his fist, roaring to the audience! Slinking through the mist behind him is "The Escape Artist" Erik Black, a plume of smoke escaping his lips and holding up “GEEZER” for the fans to see!]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen… the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the EPW TAG TEAM TITLES!! Introducing first, now coming to the ring… from Indianapolis, Indiana… weighing in at combined weight of 738 pounds… they are the FORMER Tag Team Champions… HERE ARE… THE CHROOOONIIIIC COOOLLIIIZZZIIOOOONNN!!!
[The pair come face to face at the top of the ramp, flashing each other thumbs up, and make their way down. Dalkichev strides with Norrisean intensity, heading straight for the ring in a drunken stupor, while Black remains in tow, dancing to the music and playing to the fans.]
DM: The two earned their chance to be here after succeeding in a grueling match against the Forsaken and the HPSC. They no longer quite fit the elite image that was the Crimson Calling, to say the least…
DT: Well, love them or hate them, these guys don’t lose often. And the fans LOVE them!
[As they come to the ring, the hulking Dalkichev scales the apron, staggering slightly, and steps over the top rope to enter the squared circle. Black slides inside after him, walking around the ring on his knees while pumping up the audience. At the end of their set, Dalkichev drops to his knees in the center of the ring, holding his arms out to his sides. Black takes position behind him and holds his arms up in a V formation. When viewed from straight on, they form a five-pointed shape similar to a cannabis leaf!]
DT: Can we even show that on the air??
MN: We just did.
[“Break the Silence” by Killswitch Engage blasts over the PA. The audience BOOS profusely!]
TF: And their opponents… weighing in at a combined weight of 554 pounds… they are the EMPIRE PRO TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS… THEY ARE… THE PRROOOLLLEEEETTAAARRRIIAAAATT!!!
[C.P. Nero and C.E. Augustus storm the stage, proudly bearing their titles and taking in the heel heat. After a few moments, they make their way to the ring.]
DT: The Proletariat have come quite far in Empire Pro, going as far as taking the titles for themselves. Tonight will mark their FIRST title defense against a pair of hungry former champions! This will definitely be a sight to see.
MN: Eh, this whole tag division’s been kinda stale since Melton decided to focus on the World Title scene…
DM: Let’s not forget that these guys BEAT Melton.
MN: They didn’t beat anybody, Dean! They simply outsmarted him! He’s only letting them hang onto the belt until HE wants it again!
[Both teams go to their respective corners and hash things out. After a few moments, Black and Augustus step into the ring.]
DT: Erik Black will kick things off for the Chronic Collizion… and C.E. Augustus steps in on behalf of the Proletariat. It’s big man versus little man… which, as we know from history, usually presents one-sided results…
DM: There’s the bell, and here we go! Both men step in… and there’s the lock up! And C.E. Augustus just uses the difference in strength to his advantage and slaps on a textbook headlock onto Erik Black—
DT: But BLACK just slips out of it and dashes back to his corner! There’s a definite difference in strength in this match-up, but there’s also a difference in speed.
MN: You mean blow?
DT: No, I mean—ah, nevermind… both men advancing on each other again. Black should reconsider the lock-up, but—there they go into again! And C.E. Augustus, again with his strength advantage, takes ahold of Erik Black’s arm and puts him into a hammerlock…
DM: And Black FREES his arm and hits the mat! Slides out behind Augustus through his legs… and there’s a One-Inch Punch to the kidney that pushes the Tag Team Champion away!
MN: Slippery devil, ain’t he?
DM: I guess that’s why he prides himself as “The Escape Artist”.
DT: C.E. Augustus can’t keep a grip on Erik Black… and it almost seems as though it’s starting to work it’s way under his skin! I’m not sure if raising a large man’s ire is a WISE thing, but… we’ll see where he’s going with this.
DM: Both men stepping up for the lock-up once again… and Erik Black with a BLATANT kick to the gut of Augustus that doubles the big man over!
DT: Well, that was cheap! And he seems very proud of himself as he turns to the crowd and nods with a grin on his face…
MN: Yeah, but the fans can’t help but LOVE these guys! They’re EPW Hall of Famers, after all!
DM: I don’t think EPW has a “Hall of Fame” yet, Mike.
DT: WHOA!! C.E. Augustus just LUNGES to his feet and levels Erik Black with a CLOTHESLINE that he didn’t see coming!
MN: See? Now wasn’t THAT cheap?
DM: Augustus takes a handful of Black’s greasy hair and drags him to his corner… and there’s the tag to C.P. Nero!
DT: The Tag Team champions are looking to gain a solid foothold on this match by weakening the opposing team’s more fragile member… C.E. August holds Black by the arms, and C.P. Nero just CHOPS him across the chest!
DM: Augustus to the outside as Nero takes Black by the arm and whips him to the ropes… and puts Erik Black RIGHT onto his face with the Drop Toe Hold! Pops to his feet and does a Double Stomp on the back of Black’s head to keep him down!
MN: Gonna take a lot of drugs to shake off THAT hurt…
DT: Who’s hurting? That was simply PAINFUL to watch…
DM: Nero brings Black to his feet… tucks his head down, and there’s the DDT! Nero had good leverage on that…
DT: Could be seeing an easy victory for the champions as Nero makes the cover!
One!
Two!
NO!! Erik Black kicks out! Perhaps it won’t be easy after all!
DM: Nero makes the tag back to the fresh man, C.E. Augustus. We saw what his strength did to this man earlier…
DT: And now he may just very well turn him into a pretzel! There’s the whip to the ropes… and he goes for the Back Body—but Black LEAPFROGS and hits the other set of ropes… and Augustus turns right into a JUMPING CRESCENT KICK from Erik Black that sends the big man reeling!
[Crowd POPS!]
DM: Black back on his feet… nails a recovering Augustus with a SIDEKICK to the middle, and now he’s got him by the head!
DT: And Erik Black JUMPS off the turnbuckle, and brings C.E. Augustus DOWN with a Tornado DDT! Wonderful agility and spontaneity on that move… and it may pay off as Erik Black goes for the pin!
One!
Two!
NO! He’s simply PRESSED off by C.E. Augustus!
MN: He says, “Away, pesky fly!”
DM: Augustus on his feet, goes to his corner to tag in Nero. Black rolls over to his own corner and makes the tag… and now stepping over the ropes comes the GIANT Ivan Dalkichev!
DT: The man practically has his own center of gravity!
DM: Nero pounces ahead and LAYS into the big man with a shoulder block, and Ivan simply bats him away like a fly! Nero back up and a standing dropkick leaves Dalkichev reeling back… and Ivan fires back with a HUGE clothesline—and Nero narrowly ducks out of the way!
MN: PHEW!! Nearly shaved off his hair with that one…
DT: Dalkichev coming back with a backhand that Nero quickly avoids. There’s definitely a lot of size and power in that man, but it comes at the cost of mobility. C.P. Nero is practically wrestling circles around him!
DM: Nero with the waistlock from behind… goes for a German Suplex, but Ivan doesn’t budge!!
DT: What the hell is he thinking?
MN: I thought the fatass was choking and he was just applying the Heimlich maneuver.
DT: Dalkichev reaches over his shoulder and SWATS Nero to the mat with a Snapmare! The Raging Russian to his feet, and he hits the ropes looking for a BIG SPLASH, but Nero quickly rolls out of the way!
DM: The giant has him on the rung! C.P. Nero runs into the ropes… bounces back with a CROSS-BODY BLOCK—but IVAN DALKICHEV reverses it into a Fallaway Slam that damn near tosses Nero clear over the ropes and to the outside…
DT: Nero struggling to his feet… but as soon as he’s up, Ivan Dalkichev’s MASSIVE HANDS find him! Dalkichev with a BIG SAMBO SUPLEX that nearly breaks the arena in half with C.P. Nero’s body!
MN: Man, I bet everybody in the city felt that! I bet my EX-WIFE felt that back home!
DM: Mike, you don’t have a home… and I’m sure it’s the first thing your ex-wife’s felt in a LONG time!
MN: Kiss my ass, Dean!
DT: Dalkichev with the cover…
ONE!
TWO!!
NO!! Broken up by C.E. Augustus, who quickly goes back to the apron.
DM: Seemed to be a necessary run-in. I don’t think C.P. Nero knew what he was getting into the second that monster stepped over the ropes.
DT: The Raging Russian did a number on him… that’s for certain. He needs to make a tag. But Dalkichev bringing Nero off the mat, and he’s got his head locked into a vice-grip… and Nero pounds back with an elbow to the gut! He escapes the hold, and dives for his corner… and THERE’S THE TAG to C.E. Augustus!
[Crowd POPS at the sight of both teams respective large men entering the squared circle.]
DM: Aha! Now it’s Big Man versus Big Man! A powerhouse like C.E. Augustus might have enough to handle the goliath that is Ivan Dalkichev. C.E. Augustus steps in with a CHOP across the chest of Ivan Dalkichev…
DT: …and it’s like the Russian is even phased! Dalkichev strikes back with a CHOP of his own… and Augustus just shrugs it off! Augustus with another… and DALKICHEV… and AUGUSTUS… both men trading chops back and forth and making each others’ chests red!
MN: PINK BELLY!! PINK BELLY!!
DM: Dalkichev with a BIG RIGHT puts Augustus down to a knee… and C.E. Augustus comes back with a JAWBREAKER that nearly knocks Dalkichev onto his back! Augustus on his feet… and SCOOP SLAMS the giant!!
DT: MY GOD, what power!! He just body slammed over 500 pounds of Raging Russian in the center of the ring!
DM: Unbelievable. Looks like it took every bit of his strength to pull that off as now he collapses to the mat next to Dalkichev. That’s the problem with going for the slams on big guys… you use up your strength all at once.
MN: COVER HIM, you pinko moron!!
DT: Augustus rolls over and drapes the arm over the chest…
ONE!!
TWO!!
NO!!! Broken up by Erik Black, who dove into the ring at the last second with a Slingshot Dropkick over the back of the head of C.E. Augustus!
DM: C.P. Nero is none too happy about that as he storms into the ring and confronts Black… and now there’s a shoving match between the two of them as the referee struggles to keep control! I tell ya, if those guys know what’s good for them, they better get back to the outside.
DT: OH MAN! Erik Black just BLINDSIDES C.P. Nero with a right hand, and follows through with an IMPLANT DDT that leaves him limp on the mat! The referee is losing his patience now, but Black just blows him off and helps his partner to his feet. He better get out of the ring, or they’ll be disqualified.
DM: I’d hate to see them lose their chance at becoming two-time champions because they couldn’t obey standard tag rules!
MN: If they haven’t figured it out by now, then they don’t DESERVE to be champions!
DT: The Chronic Collision bring C.P. Nero to his feet, and the two of them THROW him over the ropes to the outside! Well, that’s HALF of the problem solved, but now the referee is demanding that Black follow!
DM: Meanwhile, C.E. Augustus getting to his feet… and there’s the BULL RUSH to Erik Black—who quickly DODGES by sliding out of the ring—!!
DT: And C.E. Augustus COLLIDES into the midsection of Ivan Dalkichev, ramming him into the corner—and OH MY GOD the referee got caught in between the giant and the corner!!
DM: REF BUMP!!
MN: Now would you call that a Commie-Chronic Collizion??
DT: C.E. Augustus takes Ivan by the head and TOSSES him through the ropes to the outside… and now he follows! This match is SERIOUSLY beginning to get out of hand! The referee is out, and now the match is spilling outside of the ring! C.E. Augustus doing a number on Ivan Dalkichev… and Erik Black brings C.P. Nero to his feet, and FLOORS him with a Spinning Heel Kick!
DM: All four men brawling their way up the ramp… at this point, I don’t think victory is EITHER team’s concern!
[Back in the ring, the referee groggily comes to and finds that both teams have left the ring and are brawling their way up to the stage. Without seeing much hope in his ability to restore order, he quickly calls for the bell.]
*DING!! DING!!*
MN: What’s happening?
TF: Ladies and gentlemen… the referee has declared this match… NO CONTEST!!
[The audience BOOS loudly! On the rampway, a crew of ring officials come out of the backstage area and quickly bring the fracas to an end.]
DM: This match just spiraled out of control… and now the ring crew is desperately trying to keep these two teams separated from each other.
MN: Man, it’s taking like FIVE GUYS just to hold back the big Russian!
DT: The champions walk out of this encounter with their belts… but EPW’s FIRST tag champs certainly gave them a run for their money! Regardless, I think this is far from over between the Proletariat and the Chronic Collision.
MN: Dave, it’s CHRONIC COLLIZ-Z-ZION!! Get it right!
DT: Eh, whatever.
[The CHRONIC COLLIZION!! are escorted backstage by the ring officials while the Proletariat are kept at the ring, where their titles are returned to him.]