[Fade back in to the broadcast booth.]
DT: Up next on Aggression, we’ve got a meeting of two men who seem to be on divergent paths, but with very similar missions. “The Phenom” Shawn Hart had a near-unbreakable grasp on the TV title for almost a year until James Irish unseated him at Russian Roulette, and now one of the legends of wrestling is looking to reclaim his spot at the top. Troy Douglas, on the other hand, is one of the founding fathers of EPW, but after nearly four years, he’s yet to taste Empire gold. However, he’s got the Sergeant and the Intercontinental Title locked in his sights as tonight he looks to cement his standing as an EPW contender.
MN: YAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNNN. Oh, uh … done yet?
DT: Yes, Mike.
MN: Has anyone ever tried to figure out why you’re so boring, Davey? I mean, I need like six Red Bulls to get through your annoying little soliloquy before each match.
DM: Mikey, the answer to that question is like the answer to how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. The world may never know why Thomas is as incredibly dull as he is.
DT: Let’s just go to the ring.
[CUTTO: Tony Fatora, midring.]
TF: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! Introducing first…
[CUEUP: “Watching the Wheels” John Lennon. The crowd boos as the Phenom casually walks down the ramp and slides into the ring, shadowboxing in the corner while waiting.]
TF: …Hailing from Orlando, Florida and weighing in tonight at 225 pounds, he is “THE PHENOM” … SHAAAAAWWWN HAAAAAAAARRRRTTT!!!!
DT: The Phenom, nonchalant as always heading into the ring, the man never seems to give a damn before the bell, but when the red light goes on, he’s always ready to perform.
MN: Actually, I think being in the presence of a moron like you and like these fans out here just bores him.
TF: And his opponent…
[CUEUP: “Right Now” Van Halen. The first fifteen seconds play on the piano before a cannon blast and some pyro as the first chorus kicks in and Troy Douglas steps out onto the ramp and holds both arms high in the air saluting the crowd before jogging to the ring.]
TF: …Hailing from Greensboro, North Carolina and weighing in at 262 pounds… TROOOOOYYY DOOOOOUUGGLAAASSSS!!!
[SFX: Bell Rings]
DT: Douglas and Hart are ready, Bryan Weatherby’s our official in charge, away we go on Aggression!
MN: God, you’re a dork.
DT: These two wily veterans circle, and now they lock up dead in the center of the ring, and it’s the size and strength of Troy Douglas that prevails as he bulls the Phenom straight into the corner!
DM: Troy Douglas has spent a great deal of his career facing larger men, but when we see him in here against a smaller opponent, you can see the size, strength and leverage advantages he possesses.
MN: Which would be helpful for Megatron if he wanted to beat a guy by leaning on him for twenty minutes before he collapses.
DT: Referee calls for the break in the corner, but Douglas locks right back up with Hart and this time he uses a violent judo-style hip throw to bring Shawn Hart down to the mat and straight into a tight side headlock.
MN: Megatron … BORINATE!
DM: I think you’re confusing some old gags there, Mikey.
DT: Douglas wrenching back on that headlock, but Hart uses his legs to bridge out of the hold and now both men are back to their feet. Hart going for the big right hand … blocked by Douglas, and he tees off on Hart with lefts and rights! Now a blistering chop! And another! One more has Hart backed up onto the ropes … irish whip by Douglas … and he connects with a HYOOOGE kneelift!
DM: I think that brutal kneelift just let us see what the Phenom had for lunch earlier today.
MN: I think I had the same thing.
DT: Troy taking advantage of his doubled over opponent … he scoops him up … and sends him right back down with a quick, compact powerslam! The cover..
And a kickout! Not nearly enough to put away the former TV champ, but Douglas is rolling early tonight.
MN: Feh. It’s only a matter of time until Megatron chokes. He’s done it everywhere he’s gone, just a matter of time until he does it here tonight.
DT: Douglas is waiting for Hart to get back to his feet. He does, and Douglas is right back on the attack! Douglas with a boot right to the midsection, and now he just SHOVES Shawn Hart into the far corner! Irish whip … and Hart goes corner-to-corner with a violent collision! Douglas takes off … big clothesline in the corner and Hart’s head just snapped WAY back!
DM: Shawn Hart looks a little bit off his game early on tonight, maybe a product of the lack of focus we’ve seen in him since he lost his belt at Russian Roulette.
MN: Nah. He’s just waiting until the idiot he’s in the ring against screws up, then the Phenom takes control.
DT: Douglas with a side headlock in the corner. He charges out … goes for the bulldog … Hart slipped out and shoved Douglas away, and the EPW veteran hits the deck! Douglas gets up … DROPKICK by Hart! Picture-perfect execution by the Phenom on that dropkick and the ball is finally in his court!
DM: I really hate to admit this, Neels, but it looks you might actually be…
MN: Say it…
DM: Don’t wanna…
MN: Say it…
MN: Say it…
DM: FINE! You were RIGHT, damnit! For once in your little worm existence of a life, you were right!
MN: Damn straight! I WIN!!!!!
DT/DM: God I hate you.
DT: Shawn Hart is now going to work on Douglas now that he’s finally gained the advantage. He staggers Douglas with a couple of elbows and forearms … now he hooks the knee … hoists Troy up … and drops the knee straight on the mat!
MN: Dude. Kneebusta.
DM: It’s been HOW long since you’ve used that line?
DT: Shawn Hart’s seamlessly moving into a part of the game he’s perfected over the years, weakening his opponent with long, precise attacks and taking out one part of the body. He’s seemed to focus in on that oft-injured right knee of Troy Douglas, and as Douglas rises, he continues the assault with a pinpoint dropkick right to that very knee!
DM: Douglas has had injury after injury on that knee during his football and wrestling careers, and while Hart may act as flamboyant and loopy as anyone out there, he’s also among the smartest wrestlers on the planet and he does his scouting well enough to know what parts of Douglas’ game he can exploit.
DT: Hart pulls Douglas to his feet … and he ducks right behind him and takes out the knee again with a hard chop block! Douglas is down in pain, and now Hart is measuring him…
MN: I’m not Megatron’s biggest fan, but this doesn’t look good as far as him walking out of this match on two good legs.
DT: Hart off the ropes … high into the air … oh my! He dropped the point of his knee right onto the back of Troy’s right knee, and Douglas is absolutely writhing in pain!
MN: Okay, I withdraw my protest. Megatron wriggling like a newborn is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen!
DM: Incisive comments, Mike, really.
MN: That’s my job.
DT: Hart wasting no time in continuing to punish Troy Douglas’ right knee. He grabs both legs, crosses them, steps through, and he’s hooked in an Indian Deathlock! Hart’s got Douglas’s legs grapevined, and now he drops to the mat and places even more pressure on that knee. He’s trying to re-tear those surgically repaired ligaments!
DM: Not just that, Thomas, but Hart knows that with one bad leg, Troy Douglas is going to be far less likely to use his trademark high impact offense. He’s not only injuring Douglas, but he may be keeping himself out of harm’s way in the later goings.
MN: What later goings? Five bucks Troy taps out in the next thirty seconds.
DT: Douglas is fighting this hold, but even that is putting more torque and pressure on that right knee. Douglas reaches for the ropes … but Hart drops down again and wrenches back on that knee even more! Troy Douglas is screaming out in pain, and Shawn Hart has taken complete control of this match.
MN: Go Shawn! Defeat Megatron! SUPPRESS THE ROBOT REVOLUTION!!!! STOP THEM FROM STEALING OUR PRECIOUS METALS AND KILLING OUR C ARIBOU!!!!!
Did I just say that out loud?
DM: Yeah, Mike, you did.
MN: Oh. Uh ... I had a … strange dream last night. Nevermind.
DT: That was very, very disturbing, Neely.
DM: I’ll second that.
DT: Douglas is struggling to make it towards the ropes, and Bryan Weatherby’s asking Troy if he wants to submit!
MN: He will.
DM: He won’t.
DT: HE DOESN’T! Douglas desperately reaches out and grabs the bottom rope, and Shawn Hart’s got to break the hold, but after inflicting a significant amount of damage.
DM: Pay up, Neels. Five bucks.
MN: Oh … uhhhhh … we weren’t serious about that, were we? Just a little friendly wager, right? Uhhh…
[CUT TO: Dean looking threateningly at Neely. He looks dead serious.]
MN: Awwww, man! I was gonna buy beer tonight! Thomas, you got ten bucks?
DT: But the bet was five.
MN: I know, I need five bucks for beer, moron.
DT: I don’t get paid enough for this.
DM: I do.
DT: Shawn Hart is continuing to stalk Troy Douglas here, looking to expose that weakened knee. Hart whips Douglas off the ropes … here he comes on the rebound … MASSIVE BACK BODY DROP! Now Hart pulls Douglas to his feet … hooks the head and leg … FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX! He bridges for the pin…
Douglas barely fights out! I thought Hart might’ve had Douglas there.
MN: Well, you were wrong then, weren’t you?
DM: Quite, Eye-gor. Besides, I thought you wanted Hart to win.
MN: I do! I just want Burgerboy to be wrong more.
DT: Hart still on the attack, trying to put Douglas away. He whips Douglas into the corner … now takes charge … FLYING KNEE … nobody home! Douglas got out of the way in the nick of time and Hart collided with the turnbuckles! Hart turns around … straight into a right hand from Douglas! And another! Now Douglas with the irish whip … and a swinging neckbreaker! The pin…
Not enough to put Hart away as he kicks out at two! However, Troy Douglas has shown spark for the first time in a while in this contest.
DM: Great job of taking advantage of the missed move in the corner, but you can still see that Troy is hobbling. That knee might not hold up much longer.
DT: Douglas is trying to take advantage of a momentarily stunned Shawn Hart. He hooks Hart … sets up for the big vertical suplex … OH NO! The knee gave out and Hart counters into a cross-body for the pin! Shoulders on the mat…
AND A HALF! Troy Douglas just got the shoulder up before Bryan Weatherby could count three.
MN: See, just like I told you. Megatron always buckles under pressure.
DM: It was his knee.
MN: His knee is part of him! I may not be Mr. Smartypants-Know-It-All Dean Matthews, but I know that a knee is part of the human body!
DM: Oh yeah? Then where is it?
MN: It’s sfdgmsfrggfdgjlkjggg.
DM: What was that?
MN: It’s … ah screw it, I failed ninth grade human anatomy. I don’t even remember that stupid song about bones from when I was a kid.
DM: The shin bone’s connected to the…
MN: QUIET! STOP TORTURING ME!!!!
DT: Ooooookay. Back in the ring where the REAL action is, Shawn Hart is continuing to punish Troy Douglas, who might as well be on one leg right now. Hart whips Douglas off the ropes … and hits him on the rebound with a sharp DDT! Hart picks up Douglas … inverted atomic drop!
MN: Shawn Hart just became my hero!
MN: That move just saved the world from any possible Troy Douglas spawn.
DT: Douglas staggering … Hart measures him up … BIONIC ELBOW!!! Hart blasts Douglas with his trademark running elbow, and that sends Troy spilling through the ropes and to the floor!
DM: That’s a bad break for the Phenom, because if Troy had just hit the mat, this thing would likely be over.
DT: Douglas is staggering on the outside trying to regain his bearings, and the Phenom is signaling to the crowd that he wants to fly!
MN: Time to hit the off switch for Megatron.
DT: Hart hits the ropes … takes to the air … TOPE CON HILOOOOOOO….
DM: Holy [FCC]!
MN: Hey, Deano…
MN: FAMILY SHOW! HA!
DT: Troy Douglas somehow caught Shawn Hart in midair … FALLAWAY SLAM!!! Shawn Hart was tossed straight into the guardrail on the outside, and Troy Douglas has collapsed to the ground after the stress that put on his knee.
DM: This thing might come down to which one can get back in the ring first before the count reaches ten.
DT: Douglas is up!
DT: Douglas grabs Hart and rolls him into the ring! The count is at nine … but Douglas makes it back in just in time! He covers...
THRNOOO!!!! Very, very close, but Troy Douglas could not put Shawn Hart away, and that might’ve been all the energy Troy had left.
MN: Megatron’s hankering for some energon right about now.
DM: You are such a nerd.
DT: Douglas pulls himself up with the ropes, but Hart is too quick and cuts him off. Hart pulls Douglas away … and now he might’ve just knocked Douglas out with a devastating double-knee facebreaker! What a manuever from the Phenom, and Troy Douglas’ eyes look glazed over right now.
DM: Shawn Hart’s come close several times, but this might actually be the opportunity that lets him put a victory away.
DT: Hart’s crowing to the crowd that this one is in the books … he grabs that right leg, steps through … FIGURE FOUR!!! He’s got the figure four locked in … but he’s too close to the ropes! Douglas sprung back to consciousness just in time to realize where he was and grab the ropes before the Phenom ended this match!
MN: You are the single most melodramatic person in the history of the entire universe.
DM: Hyperbole much, Mikey?
DT: Hart breaks and pulls Douglas towards the center of the ring … going for the figure four again … NOT THIS TIME! Douglas hooked Hart’s head and rolled through with an inside cradle!
NO!!!! Shawn Hart has dominated this match, but Troy Douglas keeps finding little ways to keep fighting back!
DM: But on one good leg, I don’t know how much he can muster up in terms of offense.
DT: Hart’s getting increasingly frustrated with Douglas’ refusal to go quietly. He’s first up, and he catches Troy with a quick knife-edged chop! Troy counters back! Left and right hands are flying! Douglas might have a second wind!
MN: Maaaaaybe not, Daaaavey.
DT: Hart rakes the eyes and cuts Troy off. Now he whips Douglas off the ropes … here comes Troy … he ducks under the bionic elbow! Troy off the ropes again … he catches Hart with a flying forearm! Now Troy’s the one with the momentum. Irish whip … OH MY!!!! Ring-rattling spinebuster by Douglas!
DM: And we all know what this can lead to.
DT: Douglas has the Phenom in the center of the ring … he’s setting up for the Scorpion Deathlock! He grabs the legs … Hart shifts his weight! He rolls through for a pin…
THRRRRNOOOOO!!!! Hart pulled out an incredible pinning manuever and bridged back all his weight, but Troy was just barely able to kick out!
DM: Shawn Hart’s still got that athleticism that’s made him a worldwide icon over a ten year career.
DT: Douglas up … so is the Phenom … Troy turns around … STRAIGHT INTO A SUPERKICK!!! Hart nailed him flush across the jaw and this one has to be over! He hooks the leg…
THREEE!!! NO! NO! Troy Douglas got his foot on the bottom rope and he is still alive in this contest!
MN: I call bull-
DM/DT: FAMILY SHOW!
MN: Snorkles! Bullsnorkles!
DM: That’s not even a good try, Neels. Tool.
DT: Hart can not believe that the superkick didn’t put Douglas away!
MN: I’m not one to guess, but I think the Phenom might have a couple more tricks up his sleeve.
DT: Hart pulls Douglas to his feet … he sets Troy up … HART ATTACK …
DT: Troy shoves Hart off at the last moment! Hart turns around … MASSIVE LARIAT BY DOUGLAS!!!
MN: El Larrrrriiaaaattoooo!
DT: Might that be what finally turns the tide for Troy Douglas!
[We get a shot of the booth, where inexplicably Mike Neely is doing the robot.]
MN: Domo origato, El laria-to.
[Dean and Dave just stare, then shake it off and return to the match.]
DT: Douglas whips Hart into the corner … takes off … BIG SPLASH IN THE CORNER! Troy paying homage to his boyhood hero Hornet with that one!
MN: Do we have to hear about this loser’s childhood again?
DT: Hart stumbles out of the corner … Douglas catches him in a standing headscissors … lifts him high … POWERBOMB!! Slammed him down to the mat just before the knee gave out! He holds on for the pin…
HE GOT HIM!!! NO! NO HE DIDN’T! Shawn Hart just barely kicked out before the count of three! Unbelievable!
MN: Toldja he was the coolest.
DM: Quiet you.
DT: Douglas finally asserting control. He hooks Hart for a suplex … could be the Broken Dream … no! Hart slips out in midair! Hart ducks a clothesline … Douglas spins around … Hart Attack … NOOO!! Douglas fends it off again! Hart to his feet … Douglas with a boot to the gut … and the Broken Dream! Douglas plants him with the facebuster suplex, and he’s wasting no time getting him to the corner!
DM: I think this might be bad for everyone’s favorite Phenom, Mikey.
DT: Douglas has Hart up top … Troy to the second rope … double underhook … END OF THE ROAD!!! Troy Douglas takes Shawn Hart to the end of the road with that vicious underhook piledriver from the second rope! Is it enough…
THREEEEEE!!!! Troy Douglas picks up a hard-earned victory over the former TV champion, and his collision course with Sarge and the IC title picks up even more steam!
[CUEUP: “Right Now” as Bryan Weatherby raises Troy’s arm. Troy salutes the crowd for a moment, then calls for a microphone and the music fades.]
TD: Sarge, what you saw right there is a preview of what you’ll get when we finally get in that ring for the Intercontinental Championship.
Last week, you told me to name the time and the place. Son, when you did that, you opened up Pandora’s Box, and you all but signed that newly won title of yours away. I’ve been working four years to taste EPW gold, and I wouldn’t have been so quick to give such a desperate man carte blanche for the first shot at your title.
But, as I’ve said time and time again over my career, Sarge, I’m not going to be the man to shoot the gift horse in the mouth.
You want me to name the time and the place? Fine with me, Sarge.
At Black Dawn, me and you are going to settle this. For your sake, I hope you know what you’ve gotten in to.
I’ll see you at the end of the road.
[CUEUP: “Right Now”. Troy tosses the microphone back to Tony Fatora, gingerly slides out of the ring and walks to the back, taking in the crowd.]