DT: Well, Round One of the King of the Cage is ready to continue now as we’ll witness the second coming of Second Coming, as well as The Fallen. Sean Stevens’ devilishly hot girlfriend and his fellow Rocko Daymon-nightmare, Stalker Jason Reeves. 

DM: Stalker almost lost his leg at Aggression 36. After a brutal brawl that led to a multi-story fall onto the hood of a car, Stalker’s left leg is badly injured.

MN: It’s going to take more than a bum leg to stop this guy. The hobo and hottie from Hell team up to take over this King of the Cage tournament.

[CUE UP: “Did My Time” by Korn blares over the speakers as Stalker in his usual street clothes walks onto the stage.]

DT: There’s Stalker and he seems to be heavily favoring his left leg.

MN: What determination. It takes guts to put your career on the line like this.

DM: Nakita seems to think it will be an advantage for them. She wants to use his injury as a ploy to trap Second Coming.

TF: Standing 6’2” tall and weighing in at 242 pounds. He is from parts unknown and a former superstar at Superior Championship Wrestling. He is SSSTTTAAALLKKKEEERR JAAAASON REEEEEEVEEESSSSSS!

[Stalker slides into the ring as the lights go completely out. Red lights all around the arena and strobes along the entrance stage replace them. CUE UP: “Gently” by Slipknot hits as Nakita’s video lights up the screen. Thick fog covers the ground and a ring of fire encompasses center stage. Nakita rises up through the fire, cracking her knuckles. She walks down the ramp to a chorus of boos and steps between the ropes. Approaching the center of the ring, Nakita gets down on one knee and a spotlight shines over her nearly six-and-a-half foot frame. She approaches Stalker and they exchange words as the lights come back on.]

DT: These two look well-prepared for battle. They’ve been training hard in preparation for the cerebral aspect of tonight’s bout. They even spent some time playing chess together.

DM: The homeless don’t really play chess. I’m sure Stalker had a large learning curve to overcome.

MN: Say what you want. He’s been one step ahead of Rocko Daymon for months and stole the show at Agression 36.

TF: At 6’4” inches and 185 pounds, she is “The Dark Phenom” from Phoenix, Arizona. Ladies and gentlemen, one-third of the newest allegiance in EPW, NAAAKITAAAA DAAAHAAAKAAAA!!!!

DT: Stalker and Nakita look to be discussing strategy as they await their adversaries. Undoubtedly this team wants to take home the title of King of the Cage and reel in some tag team gold.

[CUE UP: “Hello” by Oasis hits over the speaker and the fans’ reaction is an ugly one. Bryan Storms walks onto the stage followed by Matt Johansson. They arrogantly taunt the crowd as they make their way down to the ring.]

DM: Can’t say I’m happy to see Storms back in an EPW ring. That rich boy really gets my goat. His fratboy sidekick isn’t much better.

MN: You’re just pissed because your girlfriend wanted a little more than an autograph from Storms.

TF: Weighing in at a combined 455 pounds and averaging a height on six-foot three inches. From Orlando, Florida and Long Island, New York. They’re back and looking to dominate the King of the Cage tournament. Bryan Storms and Matt Johansson, SEEEECOONNDDD COOOOMMMMMMINNNGGGGG!!!!

[SFX: Bell rings]

DT: Things get underway as the cage lowers. Dahaka and Storms square off to start this match. Storms taunts Dahaka by mocking her for being a woman, tiptoeing around the ring and pretending to cry. Dahaka responds by running at her opponent and executing a dropkick to the back of Storms. Storms goes down but is quick to get up and the two exchange blows in the corner of the ring. Dahaka gains an advantage, pinning Storms to the turnbuckle.

MN: Storms looks shocked at the brute strength of Nakita. She’s known as the toughest demon disciple for a reason.

DT: Nakita traps one of Storms’ arms in the ring ropes and does the same with the other. She backs up and taunts the crowd, who are booing her vigorously. After a running start Dahaka spears Storms, who grunts in pain. She backs up again and lands another vicious spear on one half of Second Coming.

MN: Go BABY go!!!

DT: It looks like Johansson is searching for anything under the ring to stop this onslaught. He’s found a baseball bat, but is hiding it from Nikita at ringside. Dahaka has rage in her eyes as she sets up for a third spear. WHOA!!! Johansson cracks Dahaka HARD on her knee as she’s running at Storms. She falls on her face at Storms’ feet.

MN: Not the kneecap! Stevens won’t be happy at all if Dahaka can’t get down on her knees.

DM: What are you trying to say Mike?

MN: I think you get my drift.

DM: Just remember it’s a family show.

DT: Johansson tags himself in with Storms’ trapped hand as Storms stomps on the back of the head of Dahaka. Johansson slides in the ring with the bat and wails on Dahaka’s back. Stalker limps into the ring, but gathers enough steam to clothesline Matt to the ground. The bat goes flying and hits the cage. Storms wiggled out from being trapped in the corner now and helps Johansson with Stalker. Stalker fights of both men with rights as his healthy leg is firmly planted, allowing a strong foundation for power.

MN: Look at Stalker. He’s like my hero! Tough as nails and creepy as Richard Gere at a pet store.

DM: I’m just gonna leave that one alone…

DT: Stalker is fighting off two men at once on a bum leg. OOOOHHHH!!! He just went down in a heap after brawling with Matt. Bryan took the opportunity to side stomp Stalker right in his left leg. Stalker is holding his knee in tremendous pain. He rolls out of the ring leaving Dahaka on her own. She’s now up and uses her height to apply an inverted headlock on Storms. With catlike quickness, Dahaka executes a reverse DDT Drop and is back on her feet to kick Johansson in the gut.

MN: Wow! Nakita is getting me hot.

DM: Really? Usually your only reaction to Nakita is cowering in fear.

MN: Leave me alone Dean! I feel what I feel okay?!

DM: HAHA! You’re such a baby!

DT: Storms rolls out of the ring as Dahaka bounces off the ropes and connects with a Cross-body on Johansson. She rolls through the move and tags in Stalker. Stalker maneuvers through the ropes and catches Matt with a right before he can get up. He Irish whips Matt into the ropes and executes a Russian Leg Sweep as Johansson falls on his face. Dahaka has a steel chair and slides it to Stalker. He picks it up and raises it over his head to beat Johansson with it. UUUGGGHHH!!! Matt kicks Stalker’s leg and he drops the chair. 

DM: Stalker is writhing in pain. He’s getting what he deserves in this match.

DT: Johansson picks up the chair and levels Stalker in the head. Matt immediately attacks Stalker’s left leg with the butt of the steel chair. He’s mercilessly pummeling the formerly homeless wrestler’s leg.

MN: This isn’t fair! Someone put a stop to this!

DT: Dahaka runs in to save her partner, but is met with a running elbow from Bryan Storms. Johansson makes the pin and the ref counts…

1…

2…

And Stalker somehow kicks out with a bum leg. Stalker is shady, but he’s showing real grit in this one. Second Coming is putting on a spectacle of teamwork. There’s no ring rust with these two.

DM: A spectacle?! They’ve been doing nothing but using weapons to break down Stalker’s leg!

DT: The referee escorts Storms back to his corner and Dahaka lands a low blow from behind on Johansson. She grabs Stalker and drags him to the corner. Stalker tags her in once the ref is watching and Dahaka climbs the turnbuckle. Waiting for Johansson to get up and turn around, she executes a picture-perfect Missile Dropkick from the corner. Johansson goes down hard, but Dahaka pops right back up. She signals to Stalker to set up a table outside the ring.

MN: Oh man! Second Coming might be in trouble here. This has all the makings of an ugly outcome.

DT: Dahaka picks up Matt and jumps up onto his shoulders. She lands a hurricanrana on one-half of Second Coming. The crowd applauds her execution. Stalker grabs Johansson and drags him onto the table. Dahaka Irish Whips off the far ropes…. HOOOLLYYYY COOOOWWWWW!!! What a SUICIDE PLANCHA over the top rope!

DM: She’s nuts! There’s no point advancing to the second round if you have to forfeit because you’re DEAD!

MN: Holy crap that woman can brawl!

DT: Stalker picks up Matt and rolls him into the ring. He slides in himself to meet Storms with a clothesline. Dahaka slides in and makes the pin.

1…

2…

3! No KICKOUT! Johansson kicked out!! And Stalker and Storms take it to the outside. Storms gains advantage and Irish Whips Stalker into the cage. The whole thing rattles! In the ring Johansson counters a DDT by Nakita and gets her in a sleeper hold. Storms has the steel chair and is attacking Stalker’s knee relentlessly. Stalker is grunting loudly from the pain as Dahaka looks unconscious in the sleeper hold. The referee checks by raising her arm.

1…

2…

And she gets her arm up! Several elbows to the gut later Dahaka turns the tides on Johansson. Meanwhile outside Storms is on the top turnbuckle and Stalker’s on the ground seemingly out cold. His leg is inflamed. Storms looks to finish him off with an aerial attack, but the referee grabs his shorts. Bryan drops from the top of the turnbuckle to argue with the ref. The referee eventually gets Bryan to his spot on the apron. Stalker is crawling to his corner, hobbling in pain.

MN: The referee may have just saved Stalker’s career. Thank God. What would we do without him?

DM: We wouldn’t have to worry about him ending up on the sex offenders list… Caitlyn Daymon could sleep again at night… There’d be fewer hoboes at the Will Call window.

MN: We get your point.

DM: I can understand Dahaka hesitating to tag in Stalker in his condition, but what is Johansson waiting for? Storms is fresh and waiting to pounce.

DT: Dahaka plants Johansson with a Tornado DDT that leaves the blonde laid out on the mat. Dahaka taunts the crowd, who batter her with boos. Stalker is cheering her on as she climbs the turnbuckle. Taunting the crowd once more, Dahaka sets up for a moonsault. In mid –air Johansson gets his knees up. OOOOOHHHHH!!! Dahaka is keeled over and writhing in pain. Johansson looks at his tag partner, but instead pins Dahaka.

1…

2…

Kickout!

DM: What is Matt thinking?! Tag in Storms!! This is ridiculous!

DT: Johansson picks up Dahaka and sets her up to lift her in the air. He has her hanging in the air…. OOOUCCCCHHHH!!! Vicious BRAINBUSTER! That one had to hurt!! Johansson picks up a groggy Nakita and whips himself off the ropes. He lands a painful running knee lift and almost took Dahaka’s head off. Stalker jumps in to help his fallen teammate. Stalker with a Flying elbow to the face of Johansson.

DM: Where the hell is Storms going? Help Matt!

MN: I think he’s going for that bat from earlier…

DT: Johansson kicks Stalker’s leg from under him and Stalker goes down again. That leg is toast! This man has put his heart and soul into this match, but no one could take this kind of punishment without getting slowed down. Johansson quickly applies a textbook Figure Four leg lock on Stalker who’s now yelling in pain.

MN: UUGGGHHHH!!!! Even my leg hurts watching this!

DM: Dahaka’s getting up. What the hell is Storms doing?! Get in there!

DT: Dahaka is up now and sees her chance. Johansson spots her and releases the hold. Stalker is unconscious from the pain!

DM: He’s out Dave. He’ll be lucky if he ever walks again.

DT: Johansson is up, but not in time. Dahaka attacks him with furious vengeance. She runs Matt over like a freight train with the Running Gun! Dahaka’s super spear-like setup move puts Johansson on his back, and he’s not getting up. Dahaka taunts the crowd again. She looks possessed! She picks up Johansson…

MN: STORMS!!

DT: Dahaka is setting up Johansson in the corner for the The Dragon Snap! She’s running up the turnbuckle and flips over Matt. She’s applied The Dragon Sleeper! Johansson is flailing!! Wait a minute… Storms has the bat and he’s gonna swing on Dahaka.. NO!!! HE NAILS THE REF!! Storms just flattened the referee, cracking him in the back! Nakita releases the hold, but she’s not in time. Storms swings for her head just as Matt falls like a heap to the mat. 

MN: WHOOOOAAA!!! That had to hurt!

DM: Storms was just biding his time, using Johansson as bait. Matt sacrifices for the team and Dahaka bought it- hook, line and sinker.

DT: Storms picks up Dahaka and puts her on the top turnbuckle… SLAPSHOT DRIVER!!!

DM: That’s gotta be it! She’s not getting up from that!

MN: Get up!! Get up!!!

DT: Storms drags Johansson onto Dahaka and revives the referee. He groggily makes the count…

1…

2…

3!!!

DT: And that’s all for the team of Dahaka and Stalker. This one was almost like a handicap match. Stalker’s leg was too battered to wrestle, but he gave everything he had anyway. In the end it wasn’t enough, and Second Coming makes their return a successful one.

DM: Pretty brilliant strategy by Second Coming. They knew Dahaka was just waiting for a chance to catch them off guard while going after Stalker’s leg. Johansson sacrificed his body and Storms closed it out, ready and waiting for the moment when Dahaka would pounce. He countered with a baseball swing to the head and the Slapshot Driver.

MN: I could’ve thought of that. I’m a strategic expert.

DM: You got lost mowing your lawn last week Neely.

MN: …. It’s a big lawn!

DM: Whatever.

TF: Ladies and gentlemen…. Your winners, moving on to the second round of the King of the Cage… SECOOONNNDDD COOOMMMINNNGGGG!!!