[We get a shot of the Empire-Tron.
"Look At Me" by Geri Halliwell suddenly hits the speakers and through the curtain, riding a golf cart is Shawn Jessica Bubbles Hart. P-H-D.
On the seat in the front next to him is what appears to be a Heisman Trophy. Hart drives the cart to the side of the ring and struts his way up the steps in inside, procuring a microphone from a nearby ring-hand.]
SJH: It seems like only yesterday... that Empire Pro Wrestling was a festering, puuutrid, CESSPOOL of hatred and despair. A second-class, third-rate, BASTARDIZED shell of its former self. A trail gone sickeningly cold. A well that was drying up quicker than a Catholic girl's cunny!!
[The crowd loudly voices their collective objection.]
SJH: But then, on the 7th day, the good lord said, "SCREW THE REST! I'm gonna make the dopest, flyest, OG, pimp, hustler, gangsta, HARDCORE MOTHER TRUCKER clique the wrestling industry has ever seen!!
DM: Did he just say mother trucker?!
MN: Can he say that on television? Haha!
SJH: And then, like a shining beam of light from the heavens... the Anthology DESCENDED onto EPW, and the masses REJOICED!! Matches were five-star, merch sales were BOUNTIFUL, plot lines that had been minimalist and mundane became muy, muy CALIENTE!!
[The masses fail to rejoice, showering the Phenom with more boos.]
SJH: So with all that being said, with this place suddenly becoming viable again thanks to yours truly, Cameron Cruise, Jared Wells, and the one n' only Larry Tact, I pose to you, my Hart-broken PHENOM FIENDS-
[Again, there is no love lost between Hart and his audience.]
SJH: ...this question: why is it that Empire Pro management CONTINUES to disrespect me!?!?! Last week, I utterly DESTROYED Fusenshoff!! Wrecked him like I wrecked the back-sides of a bevy of Brazilian beauties not 10 minutes ago in my dressing room!! But then some JACKHOLE with a score to settle interfered and cost me, one of the SAVIORS of this god-forsaken place, my shot at regaining the gold!
[He shakes his head, quite disgusted with the situation.]
SJH: Disconcerting to say the least, but WITHOUT QUESTION... the GREATEST atrocity to come out of this STUPIFIED situation is EPW's failure to do the right thing and award me the title! Me - a member in good standing with the JIGGIEST buncha jerks this company has ever seen! ME - the longest reigning champion in that title's HISTORY! Meeeee - the SEXCELLENCE OF SEXECUTION!!
[A small group of woman are popped by this proclamation. The rest of the crown continues to jeer.]
SJH: I felt raped - done on all fronts by Lindsay Troy's giant dildo of JACKASSERY!! But then..... I had an epiphany. I put my soul-consuming, yet completely justified anger on the back-burner and came to the sweet and sudden realization that Shawn Jessica 'Bubbles' Hart, PhD., the PHENOM of EPW, Jam Master Jiggy in the flesh, is GREATER than Troy, greater than the championship committee, greater than the entire JAY-BRONE laden roster.. GREATER than Empire Pro Wrestling itself!!
DT: Listen to this ego-maniac rant and rave! No man is above the promotion!
MN: You KNOW it's true, Thomas!! Long live the Anthology!
SJH: So rather than continue to seek the approval of my inferiors, rather than get down on all fours - like your mothers, sister, daughters, and wives do at the very site of me - and BEG for a strap that I've so obviously TRANSCENDED -- I've decided to take matters into my own hands!!
[He retrieves the trophy and holds it at his side.]
SJH: I've beaten Doc Silver, I've beaten Jean Rabesque, I've beaten Michael Manson, Beast, Promo, and Ulysis Solian! I've BRUTALIZED Lindsay Troy and I've left Fusenshoff FLOPPING around the ring like fish out of water!! Hell, I practically FORCED James Irish into retirement... and after hitting her with my Hart On, we've yet to see Nakita Dahaka return to the fold with the Fallen!! I mean, the list goes on and on... and on and on and ON! And since EPW refuses to acknowledge my greatness, I've taken it upon myself... representing a force far greater than this played-out promotion, to award this FINE trophy...
[He holds it high above his head.]
SJH: A trophy that definitely ISN'T Andre Ware's Heisman Trophy, and definitely WASN'T purchased at a pawn shop...
DT: Umm, I'm being told by producers backstage that Cameron Cruise is insisting that it is Andre Ware's Heisman and it was, in fact, purchased at a pawn shop - but that it doesn't matter because... we..... rule.... you?
DM: Ummm...
SJH: To ME, SJH, your NEW..... HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION.... OF THE UUUNIVEEERSE!!!!!!!! Thank you VERY MUCH!!
[Hart raises his trophy victoriously and begins to jump for joy. The crowd is THOROUGHLY unimpressed. "Look At Me" by Geri Haliwell hits the PA, but can barely be heard over the arena's roar of disapproval. CUT TO: The announce position.]
DT: Ladies and gentlemen, Shawn Hart has just crowned himself heavyweight champion.... of the universe.
DM: Wow. I mean..... just...... wow.
MN: May his reign be as LONG as his-
[“Imperial March” reverberates throughout the arena and a video package flies by on the screen.
Lindsay Troy unmasking as Dis, holding the EPW World Title up for all to see.
JA hitting the Karelin Driver on Rocko Daymon.
Troy Douglas ducking a clothesline by Cameron Cruise and then tossing him with a belly to belly suplex.
Felix Red and First, perched on opposite turnbuckles, then diving down onto their opponents.
Fusenshoff, clotheslining Stalker over the top rope.
Larry Tact and Jared Wells stalking to the ring with the EPW World Tag Team Titles around their waists.
“Triple X” Sean Stevens standing victorious on top of a cage, face bloodied, holding the EPW World title up high.
And finally…. A dais with a throne upon it and Lindsay Troy sitting front and center, leaning back and staring right into the camera.
Then…
BOOM!!
The stage is illuminated by a veritable bonanza of booming pyrotechnics as the camera pans over the crowd, cuts to the ring from a wide angle, then concludes its journey with a smash cut to the broadcast team.]
[The intro music reverberates throughout the arena, cutting Neely off and the stage is illuminated by a veritable bonanza of booming pyrotechnics as the camera pans over the crowd, cuts to the ring from a wide angle, then concludes its journey with a smash cut to the broadcast team.]
DT: Ladies and gentlemen - welcome to AGGRESSION!
DM: Listen to this reception!
DT: We are LIVE in Buffalo, New York!! With me as always are Dean Matthews and of course...Mike Neely!!!
MN: Hello hello.
DT: Faction warfare has been heating up as of late and tonight we continue our push toward Wrestleverse III, as Triple X defends his World Championship against one half of the World Tag Team Champions, The First.
DM: And in a triple threat match that could get ugly fast, Marcus Westcott must face both Felix Red and Anarky, with his former Tag team partner Craig Miles serving as guest referee.
DT: And let us not forget Fusenshoff taking on Stalker one more time, this time with much at stake. Surprisingly, we're told that earlier today Stalker informed EPW Owner Lindsay Troy that he did NOT want the TV Title to be at stake, but that hardly takes the drama out of this one. If Stalker wins, Fusenshoff must join The Fallen. But if the champ wins, Stalker must leave EPW...forever.
DM: Talk about your high stakes! Who needs a title in all that??
DT: Let's head up to the ring for our first match!
Larry Tact vs. Omega
The streak of hot openers on Aggression continued as this match became a showcase both for Larry Tact’s considerably wrestling prowess as well as Omega displaying surprising agility and skill for a big man. Tact kept Omega generally off balance to start the match, working over the big man’s left leg after grounding him. Omega, however was able to work into a flurry of moves of his own, rocking the former NEW World Champion with a tombstone piledriver into a first turnbuckle kneedrop that got a close call on a two count. Omega wasn’t quick enough to escape the Tactful Surrender though, which Tact locked on after rolling through a scoop bodyslam attempt, and Omega was forced to tap out. As Tact celebrated, Frankie Scott merely stepped out on the stage and laughed at Omega, clearly angering the big man and the show went to commercial.
Winner: Larry Tact by pinfall
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