DT: Well we’re back and we’ve finally made it to our first match of the evening, as this one pits newcomer “New School” Layne Winters up against our Pornstar Viking, Olvir Arsvinnar.

DM: Yeah, I’d say Winters didn’t exactly luck out on this one Mike. Olvir is a terror and a man with a very bright future here in EPW. Everyone who follows EPW knows that Olvir is a force to be reckoned with, and Winters is about to find out the same.

MN: He’s definitely a great barometer to find out just how talented the new guy is. A win over Arsvinnar would be a huge accomplishment in his inaugural match.

DT: Word is out that this new guy is pretty talented though. We’ll see what he brings to the table in just a minute. Let’s go to Tony Fatora for the introductions.

[CUE UP: “I Don’t Know Anything” by Mad Season hits the speakers as Layne Winters walks out to a mixed reaction. He walks down to the ring snarling at the fans and slapping hands with no one. It’s clear that he’s not here to make friends and the mixed reaction soon turns to boos. He steps over the middle ring rope and waits for his opponent.]

TF: LLLLLadies and gentlemen…. For our first match… weighing in at two hundred fifty poundsss… from Seattle Washingtonnnn…. He is escorted by Pamela Eurice… “NEWWWW SCHOOOOOL” LLLLLLAAYYNNNNNEEE WWWWWWINTERRSSSS!!! 

MN: I think I like this guy. I’m not really sure just yet, but he seems like my kind of dude. And look at the funbags on his girlfriend.

DM: The fans don’t seem to be warming up to him.

DT: Here comes Olvir. I have a feeling their mood is going to change in just a moment.

[CUE UP: “I Am A Viking” by Yngwie Malmsteen’s Rising Force. The music hits, and the crowd POPS to their feet, cheering wildly! Olvir comes out as the lyrics hit [“I am a Viii-kiiing! In going out to wa-ar!”], with a battle-axe over his shoulder and a mead horn in the other hand. He comes to the ring roaring to the audience, getting them pumped, finishing off by climbing the apron and downing the last of his mead, spitting the last mouthful over the audience as they go nuts.]

DM: The fans love this guy. Then again, what’s not to love?

MN: Careful Dean. You get too close to this guy and he’ll do more than just kick your ass. They don’t call him the Butt-dominator for nothing.

DT: TV-appropriate innuendos only Mike.

MN: Don’t look at me. Dean’s the one who should be worried about his ‘endo.

TF: And the challenger… at an ENORMOUS three hundred-seventeen pounds… He hails from Las Vegas Nevada… Everybody’s Favorite POOOORNSTARRRR VVVVVIKINGGGG…. OOOOOOOOLLVVVIRRRRRR ARRRSSSSSSSSSVINNNARRRRRRR!!!!

DT: And the match gets underway. Winters is obviously ready to fight, as he launches himself at Arsvinnar. What he soon finds out is that Olvir isn’t just big, he’s quick too. Layne runs into a big boot from the Butt-Dominator. Immediately Arsvinnar begins to work the crowd, paying little attention to New School. The new guy is up in a flash, showing some serious athletic talent. He dropkicks Olvir in the back of the legs, sending the Viking to the mat.

DM: That’s the fastest I’ve ever seen Olvir go down!

MN: I’m not even gonna touch that one.

DT: Immediately Winters applies a heel hook on the downed Viking. The ref watches as Olvir goes for the ropes. The two men are battling for position as Layne has his maneuver locked in, but the brute strength of Arsvinnar overpowers him. The two stand up as Olvir looks a little stunned and plenty angry.

MN: The new kid has some moves!

DT: The two men lock horns, but Layne slips out and gets Arsvinnar by the waist. He tries for a German Suplex, but it doesn’t fly on the bigger Olvir. Olvir bats him away with one hand and Winters stumbles to the corner. Arsvinnar pounces and lays some serious chops to Winters’ chest.

WOOOOOOO!!!!

WOOOOOOO!!!!

WOOOOOOO!!!!

DT: Olvir hears it from the fans as he rips the skin off Layne’s chest. Grabbing him by the arm, the Viking whips Winters into the ropes. Coming back, Winters baseball slides under the bigger man’s legs and catches him from behind. He gets up with enough time to attempt a diving cross-body, which Arsvinnar counters by catching him. Olvir suplexes the smaller man to the mat. Olvir with the pin.

1…

2…

KICKOUT!

DM: Olvir looks like he’s taking control here.

MN: Rubbish!! The man can’t even control his libido.

DM: Look who’s talking.

MN: You say that like it’s a bad thing.

DT: Olvir goes to pick up Winters, but he receives a kick to the face in return. Layne is up like lightning as Olvir holds his own head. Winters jumps on the mistake, landing a beautifully executed DDT on the bigger man.

DM: Whoa! Flawless.

MN: Here we go.

DT: Olvir gets up slowly and Winters waits patiently before jumping off the second rope and landing a forearm smash to the face. Arsvinnar is dazed and the new guy is full of adrenaline. He looks focused. He pounces on the Viking, landing another picture-perfect move. This time it’s a hurricanrana in the center of the ring.

DM: Olvir doesn’t know what hit him.

MN: One of my new favorite wrestlers hit him, that’s who.

DM: You just want to get close so you can move in on Pamela.

[Both announcers wait for Mike’s response, but he’s staring off with a silly grin on his face.]

DT: AAAnnyway… Layne looks to pick up the big man, but Arsvinnar levels him with a power clothesline. That sends Layne to the mat hard. The Viking goes for a pin.

1…

2…

Winters Kicks Out!

DT: Both men get up. Olvir is still a little out of it though, as he slipped a bit landing that last move. They reach their feet, but the Viking is a bit faster. He grabs for a grapple, but Winters counters it again. This time a knee to the gut and Arsvinnar stumbles. Winters takes advantage with a Drop Toe Hold, and locks in the Heel Hold again. This time Olvir is nowhere near the ropes. He is in agonizing pain as Winters wrenches as hard as he can.

DM: No way Olvir will tap. Too much pride.

MN: Yeah, and it comes before the fall.

DM: Haven’t you seen ‘Role Models’ yet? Cliché proverbs aren’t cool anymore Mike.

MN: Yeah… well the squeaky wheel gets… I mean… a bird in the hand…. Whatever.

[Dean chuckles.]

DT: Olvir is fighting with everything he has to keep his chances alive. The fans are cheering him on and it’s giving him a fighting chance. He crawls closer and closer to the bottom rope, and his length helps him finally reach it, but he can barely stand. The momentum from the crowd gets him up quick, but he’s wincing and hesitates. Layne uses it to his advantage. He lands a monster belly-to-belly suplex.

DM: There’s no way he could’ve pulled that off if Olvir wasn’t fighting on one leg.

MN: You don’t think he knows that?! This guy knows EXACTLY what he’s doing.

DT: Winters again adds to the shock value. This time he holds up Olvir in a suplex position and lets the blood rush to his brain. He drops the big man with a Liger Bomb! He calls that the Green River Justice! Here’s the count.

1…

2…

3!!!

TF: YOUUUUURRRRR WINNNNNEERRRRRRR…. “NEWW SCHOOOLLL” LLLAYNNEEE WWINNNNTTERRRSSS!!!!

DM: This guy really impressed me tonight Mike. A big win on one of EPW’s rising stars.

MN: That’s right. And look at him show up Olvir in the ring. Such class.

DM: Class?! You and I have two very different opinions on the definition of class.

MN: I could’ve told you that years ago Dean.

DT: A big win for Layne Winters, who hits the ground running in EPW.

MN: Nice one.

[CUT TO: Thomas, Matthews, and Neely at Ringside.]

DT: Alright fans, as we welcome you back to Aggression, I've been asked to remind you that today marks the official launch of EPW Online's All-Access service where, for a small fee, you'll get an exclusive look at EPW action you can't find on your TV sets.

MN: And some of that action happened earlier tonight!

DT: It did indeed, Mike. Namely, it was Anthology member and self-proclaimed Heavyweight Champion of the Universe, SHAWN HART, taking on his one-time tag team partner PHENOMENAL Frankie Scott, who challenged for the title.

DM: I still can't stomach SJH with this mythical title. A true champion earns his stripes in the wrestling ring.

MN: Hold your tongue!

DT: Well Dean-o, Frankie felt much the same way and, as such, vowed to beat Hart, retire the title, and return the old Heisman trophy that Hart says signifies his Universal Champion status to its rightful owner.

MN: Psshhhh.... No chance.

DT: Fans, here now, courtesy of EPW All-Access, are highlights of what transpired between these two men.

[CUT TO: Footage of SJH and Cameron Cruise hitting the ring in Hart's golf cart, whilst being peppered with beer cups and water bottles.]

DT: As one might expect, the Anthology received a less than warm reception from the EPW faithful, but despite the disapproval, Hart was focused on one thing and one thing only...

[CUT TO: The Phenom in the ring and holding Andre Ware's Heisman high over his head.]

DM: Frankie Scott.

[CUT TO: Frankie Scott, strutting down the rampway with a box in tow.]

DT: Frankie looked calm and collected in making his way to the ring, but what was in the box he brought with him?

MN: It's Barb! I know it! And by the way, Lord knows what kind of pervy antics Frankie's up to with that thing!

DM: Lord knows what pervy antics your sick, little mind is conjuring up as we speak.

[Frankie enters the ring, the official signals for the bell, and the two men begin to circle one another.]

DT: Now, almost from the get-go, SJH dominated this match-up with a series of arm drags, hip tosses, and snapmare takeovers, which he would then bridge into various submission holds..

[CUT TO: Hart whipping Scott off the ropes, catching him on the rebound, attempting an arm drag, having Frankie attempt a reverse arm drag which SJH stops cold, after which he finally connects with a hip toss. With Scott grounded, he quickly follows up with a reverse chinlock.]

DM: I may not agree with Hart's style outside the ring, but inside - he's solid. There's no denying that.

DT: Again, Hart looked to be in control early on, but let's jump into the live call of the match's waning moments to see how this thing ended!

[CUT TO: Scott catching Hart with a series of fists and the crowd going WILD. DT and company are on the call for EPW All-Access.]

DT: Hard right hands to the crown of the Phenom! Hart's in a reeeeeeeal bad way here now - and Scott's got him back against the ropes!

DM: What a comeback!

DT: Frankie now with the Irish Whip - here comes Hart back the other way.... SCOTT with a the biiiiiiiiiiiiiig lariat, sending Hart topsy-turvy, flipping down hard to the canvas! The Phenom is down!

MN: Noooooooo!

DT: And now it's Frankie Scott hitting the ropes, rebounding off of them, and a LEAPING SPLASH by Scott!! Hart is clutching his mid-section in pain!

DM: Here's Frankie with the cooooooooooover...

DT: ONE..............



TWO.............



[Cruise grabs Shawn's foot from the outside and drapes it over the bottom rope!]

DT: NO!!!!

DM: That son of a...

MN: YES!!

DT: The referee is all over Cruise! I don't think he saw it, but I'm sure he knows what Cruise just did! Hart should REALLY be disqualified at this point! Every time Frankie starts to get any kind of momentum in this match, that TURNCOAT Cruise interjects himself into the match!

MN: Yeesh, ever heard of objectivity?

DT: Frankie's up now and pleading his case to the official.

DM: I agree with you, DT. Cruise is getting away with murder out there.

DT: Scott is turning his attention back to SJH now, and...

[SMAAAAAACK!!!]

MN: SHAWN JUST HIT FRANKIE WITH HIS HART ON!

DM: Oh my!

DT: SJH connecting with the Hart On OUT OF NOWHERE!! He rolls over for the cover!! Hart hooks the leg....




ONE.......




TWOOOO......... 




THREEEEEE!!!

[The bell rings, a chorus of boos rings out, and Cameron Cruise slides into the ring.]

DM: I can't believe it.

TF: The winner of this match-

[Cruise interrupts Fatora, whispering something into his ear. Tony shrugs, then continues.]

TF: And STILL Heavyweight Champion of the Universe..... PHENOM..... Shawwwwwwwwwn HART!

DT: Yeah, Heavyweight Champion of the Universe... why don't you try winning a real title in a fair match for a change?

MN: DAVE! This is starting to get a little ridiculous! Where's your professionalism?!

DT: I can be professional to a point, but I'm beginning to get a little fed up with the Anthology doing anything they want around here!

DM: You can say that again. These guys are a cancer!

[Scott, still on the mat, covers his face in frustration. Meanwhile, SJH and Cruise bring their post-match celebration to a close and turn their attention to Frankie.]

DT: Oh no. What's gonna happen now?

DM: Scott is still on the mat, the match is over, but Hart looks like he's got more punishment to dish out!

DT: The referee is trying to create a cushion between the Anthology and Scott.... BUT THERE'S A HAYMAKER FROM CRUISE!! THE REFEREE IS DOWN!!

[Hart giggles as he slowly edges in toward Scott. Frankie, now realizing the situation with which he is faced, backs into the same corner where his box rests. Meanwhile, some of the fans at ringside have resumed the throwing of cups and bottles that greeted SJH before the match.]

DT: Frankie Scott is in BIG TROUBLE here. Hart and Cruise have him cornered and he-

MN: The HELL?!

[CUT TO: The announce position where OMEGA has emerged from the crowd!]

DM: Omega is here!!

DT: And the Anthology has cleared the ring!! They want NO PART of Omega! Strange as it sounds, Omega may have inadvertently saved Frankie Scott!

MN: He's going for the box! He's here to save his Barb!

[The fans respond with a loud mix of cheers and jeers.]

DT: And before Scott can react, HE'S GOT IT OUT FROM BEHIND SCOTT! Omega hurries up the ramp with the box as Hart and Cruise look on from the entryway!

[Omega furiously rips through the box, then suddenly goes limp.]

DM: What's this now? Omega has retained possession of Barb, but...

[Without warning, Omega DESTROYS the box and begins to tantrum!]

DT: IT'S EMPTY! WHAT THE?!

[CUT TO: Scott, still in the ring, smirking at Omega. CUT TO: Hart and Cruise at the entryway, pointing and laughing.]

MN: HA! Even the Anthology thinks its funny!

[Omega takes notice of Hart and Cruise snickering behind him and, steaming and gritting his teeth, turns his attention to them.]

DT: Omega is INCENSED, and now he's taking issue with Anthology!

DM: These guys piss EVERYBODY off!

DT: Omega is moving towards Hart and Cruise to-

[Before he takes his second step, SJH lets out a high-pitched squeal that would put Mariah Carey to shame and he and Cruise retreat to their golf cart and ZOOM backstage!]

DM: What cowards!

DT: Cruise and Hart have made their exit, but look at Scott in the ring! He's getting a big laugh over it!

MN: Whoa, Omega is going crazy!

DT: Omega is stomping on the ramp, ripping at the guard rail - he's gone totally BERSERK!

DM: He can't touch Frankie now, but what's gonna happen at Wrestleverse?!

[CUT TO: The live feed and the announce position.]

DT: Alright, that footage was brought you by EPW All-Access, where SJH successfully defended his mythical title, as my colleague so eloquently put it, but SPEAKING of Wrestleverse and SJH, I'm receiving word that special Anthology correspondent Felicia Hart is standing by backstage with her brother!

[CUT TO: Felicia and SJH, now in a powder-blue jumpsuit and still wielding Andre Ware's Heisman.]

FELICIA: Shawn Hart, big bro, my HERO in the biz... you just made Frankie Scott look like a complete and utter failure. Who's next on your path of destruction?

SJH: Sis, if I've said once, I've said like 900 times... when it comes to yours truly, if you try to go over - you're gonna go UNDER! And Frankie Scott just WENT DOWN like a Peruvian whore! Now, up next is WRESTLEVERSE... and while I don't have an official match as of this moment, consider this my notice to the WHOLE of EPW that I'll take on any one of you JACKHOLES with the gall, the GUMPTION, to step into the ring with the FINEST SPEC-O-MINE this place has ever seen! Title versus title, hair versus hair, obesity versus YOUR MOTHER, SJH is gonna knock it down like I knock back Coronas!

[He brings the Heisman to the forefront.]

SJH: This trophy, while bequeathed to a BAFOON and eventually purchased at a pawn shop, still marks my spot as the top dog in the COSMOS and regardless of which poor soul makes the biggest mistake of his life and accepts my challenge, you can bet your bottom dollar that JAM MASTER JIGGY here will inevitably become the highlight of the night; the HIGHLIGHT OF WRESTLEVERSE! The PHENOM... has left.... the building!!

[Felicia swoons..... Creepy.....]

FELICIA: Whoa...We'll be right back!