DT: We're about to get underway with our opening match, ladies and gentlemen... a STALKER'S RULES match! And you know when Stalker gets involved in these kind of matches, things will ALWAYS get extreme!
MN: Is today "Hardcore Day" in Empire Pro, or something?
DM: Of course, we've still got a hardcore match for the main event tonight between two of the federation's top contenders... but I think right now, I think we're going to see the extreme experts show us how it's REALLY done...
[CUE UP: "Holy Mountain" by Sleep. The song's lazy, droning opening riff pounds through the PA, blasting the capacity crowd into a hypnotizing trance. As soon as the drums come in, "DOPESMOKER" ERIK BLACK emerges from the entry-way, carrying with him a giant aluminum trashcan full of a variety of weapons. Following close behind is his long-time tag team partner and friend, "THE SONIC TITAN" IVAN DALKICHEV. The dynamic duo pump up the fans as they makes his way down the ramp, with Erik slapping the side of garbage can and shaking the contents around.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is set for one fall, and will be fought under STALKER'S RULES!! Introducing first... being accompanied to the ring by "THE SONIC TITAN"... he hails from Lebanon, Indiana, and weighs in at 218 pounds... HERE IS... "DOPESMOKER"... EEEERRRRIIIIIKK BBBLLLLAAAAAACCCKKK!!
MN: Am I hearing things, or did Tony Fatora just say "Dope Smoker" on national television?
DM: Well, I'm sure you hear a LOT of things you normally shouldn't be hearing, Mike, like, "Go ahead... one more drink" or "Yeah, go ahead and grab them, she'll like it"... but you definitely heard right on that one.
MN: Kiss my ass, Dean! Am I the only one who finds it offensive that DRUG REFERENCES are being made now? And what the HELL is up with Ivan Dalkichev?! He looks like TIN-MAN mixed with a HARE KRISHNA!!
DM: I heard something about him having a life-altering experience, and he's taken up a life of pacifism. Whatever it was he was on, it must have been good stuff...
DT: Nevertheless, the former EPW Tag Team Champions remain TOGETHER after their recent liberation from the clutches of Nathan Fear! Erik Black is taking up a new direction in his career, and for whatever reason, he insists on being called "DOPESMOKER" while competing here in Empire Pro!
MN: There's no way the censors are going to let this pass.
[As Black reaches the ringside area, he enthusiastically begins taking out one item out of the trashcan at a time and throwing it in the ring, before throwing the can itself over the ropes. He momentarily turns to his longtime tag partner, and the two share a brief moment where they appear to be OM-ing in unison. When they break, they slap hands, and Black slides into the ring. His first move is grabbing a kendo stick and holding it aloft, pumping up the fans and banging his head in time with the music. Seconds later, it cuts out...]
[CUE UP: "Did My Time" by Korn. The lights dim except for a set of blue LED lamps around the stage. After a few moments, STALKER steps out onto the stage to a huge ovation of JEERS and BOOS from the capacity crowd. He gives them the crucifix pose for several moments before making his way down the ramp to the ring.]
TF: And his OPPONENT... from PARTS UNKNOWN... weighing in at 224 pounds... the INNOVATOR of INSANITY... SSSTTTTAAAAALLLLLKEEERRRR!!!
DM: Stalker is very much the "Innovator of Insanity". He may not boast the best record or have an entire closet full of titles... but NOBODY can deny the sheer HORROR he creates in that ring!
DT: The scheming Stalker is on his way to the ring now, and you really have to wonder... what's on his mind as he walks into this match? Does he have one eye looking back over his shoulder?
DM: He probably ought to, Dave! We can't forget that Rocko Daymon is still out there, wanting to get his hands onto him, and NO restraining order's going to keep him held back. On top of that, he's still waiting to hear back from Fusenshoff, as to whether or not his virtual slave will take his offer for freedom.
MN: Well, with Fusenshoff no longer carrying the TV Title... he's kind of run his use with the Fallen. Although, I wonder if the Fallen still exist these days; Nakita Dahaka's pretty much long gone, and "Triple X" Sean Stevens has his business defending the World Heavyweight Title...
DT: Even so, I don't think we can consider Stalker to be a man who stands alone in Empire Pro. We saw him speaking with an unidentified figure earlier in the week, and the two of them seem to have some great plans to unveil for Empire Pro. Right now, though, regardless of who his friends and enemies are, he's got to put all of his focus on this match.
MN: Not like it'd be a problem for him. This guy's just crazy... and with all those weapons in the ring, I know that I WOULD NOT want to be Erik Black right now!
[Stalker rolls into the ring and immediately falls into a corner, sitting slouched there against the bottom turnbuckles and brooding to himself. The music stops. Emilio Gomez skips checking both wrestlers and instead asks if both men are ready. Black is in his corner, wielding the kendo stick like a baseball bat. Stalker pulls himself to his feet, rips off his leather jacket, and makes a simple nod.]
DM: Looks like "DOPESMOKER" Erik Black wants to come out swingin'!
DT: And on the other side of the ring, Stalker is calm and collected. He's been in this situation before, and knows how to handle it!
MN: Let's just ring the damn bell already! I want to see some BLOOD!
[SFX: *DING! DING! DING!*]
MN: ALRIGHTY, here we go!
DT: Black making BEELINE across the ring... SWISH!! Stalker got out the way just in time to avoid that strike with the shinai! But Black is still SWINGING AWAY!
MN: He must've watched Highlander before he came to the ring.
DM: OOH!! Clipped Stalker in the thigh with that one! Stalker's trying to play defensively here, but it's not easy when you're opponent's swinging a weapon like a madman! Erik Black is DEFINITELY out for blood tonight!
DT: OH! He caught Stalker in the shoulder there! Black is making contact, but Stalker is careful enough to ensure he doesn't take a direct hit to a vulnerable spot, like his HEAD!
MN: Ah, Stalker's got a thick skull... he can take it...
DT: Here's Black with a BIG STRIKE--NO WAIT!! Stalker just CATCHES IT!! Stalker, switching places and wrapping that shinai across the throat--RIGHT INTO A RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP!!
DM: That kendo stick across the collar bone near knocked Erik Black COLD, but that's the least of his worries now! Stalker pulling himself back to his feet, and now HE'S the one with the kendo stick! Black up now, but he's TOO LATE--!!
[SFX: *CRACK!!*]
Crowd: OOOOOoooohhhh...
DT: OH, NELLY!! Smack dab in the FOREHEAD, and Erik Black goes down!
[SFX: *CRACK!! CRACK!! CRACK!! CRACK!!*]
DM: OH MAN!! Stalker is simply WAILING AWAY at Erik Black with that kendo stick now!
MN: THAT'S how you use a friggin' kendo stick!
DM: I think the both of these men could use some bushido skills, personally. Stalker throwing the kendo stick aside now, and he's got his eyes on that trashcan Erik Black brought in earlier!
DT: Looks like he's going for a TWO BY FOUR!
MN: YOU-ESS-AYE!! HOOOOOOOO!!
DM: Shut up, Mike...
DT: Stalker's pulling back for a BIG SWING... but BLACK STINGS HIM with a SIDEKICK to the midsection! He came back from those shinai strikes fairly quickly!
MN: Well, marijuana IS a pain-killer...
DM: Stalker's doubled over, and here goes Erik Black off the ropes... QUICK NECKBREAKER puts the extremist superstar on his back! Black popping back to his feet... off the ropes again... ROLLING SENTON SPLASH before Stalker can get to his feet!
DT: Black is putting his speed and agility to use now, going to the corner and rising up to the second rope... and here comes Stalker to his feet! He better look out, because here comes Erik Black with a MOONSAULT--!!
[SFX: *CRACK!!*]
Crowd: OOOOOoooohhh...
DT: OH MAN!! The DOPESMOKER just took that 2X4 TO THE MID-SECTION while he was still IN THE AIR!! Stalker saw him coming that time...
DM: Stalker's making great use of the weapons that Erik Black brought with him to the ring, as we all expected he would. Black rolling on the mat, clutching his abs in pain... but Stalker's got something else in mind! He's going back to the trashcan for another weapon... no, he's just there to get the TRASHCAN!!
MN: Thinking outside the box here. Why use a bunch of sticks and bats when you got a perfectly good aluminum garbage can there?
DT: Stalker, setting the trashcan in between the second and third turnbuckle... now going back to Black before he can get to his feet! Stalker has him by the arm... looking for the IRISH WHIP--and Erik Black REVERSES!!
[SFX: *SMASSHH!!*]
Crowd: *POP!!*
DT: OH MAN!! STALKER JUST WENT HEAD FIRST INTO THAT GARBAGE CAN he had set in the CORNER!! Look at the DENT he put in the aluminum surface of that garbage can!
MN: Wow, I think I can see Stalker's scowl stamped in there!
DT: Erik Black slipping up behind him while he's reeling backwards... THERE'S THE VICTORY ROLL!!
ONE...
TWO...
Stalker breaks free!
DM: Stalker scrambling to his feet--but he goes DOWN AGAIN after a LEGSWEEP from Erik Black! Black sends a KICK to the face as Stalker tries to rise again, and now DOPESMOKER's giving him the BOOTS while he's on the mat! Now he's going for a weapon...
DT: Looks like he's decided on a PUSH BROOM!! What does he have planned with THAT?!
MN: He quits. He's taking up life as a janitor for EPW.
DM: Doubtful... Black with that push broom, bringing it down OVER THE THROAT OF STALKER!! He's CHOKING THE LIFE OUT OF HIM with a BROOM!!
DT: Stalker's STRUGGLING to free himself, but Black's putting ALL HIS WEIGHT down on that broom end! No breaks here, folks... under STALKER'S RULES... ANYTHING goes!
DM: OH MAN!! With a SURGE of strength, Stalker shoves the broom off his throat, and nearly dumps Erik Black on his ass! Stalker up now, and here comes Black with that BROOM to the MID-SECTION--AND STALKER CATCHES IT!! Stalker's trying to PULL IT AWAY FROM HIM!!
DT: We saw earlier what Stalker did when he removed his opponent's weapon, but... wait, Black's TWISTING the handle... and he FREES IT!! Stalker FALLS BACK, and now Black is TWIRLING THAT BROOM HANDLE like a BO STAFF!!
MN: Must've been a big Donatello fan back in the 80's...
DM: I think the surfer lifestyle of Michelangelo would have appealed to him more, honestly. Stalker using that broom end to defend himself, but here comes BLACK--
[SFX: *CRACK!!*]
DT: OH WOW!! HUGE STRIKE to the TEMPLE of Stalker sends him SPRAWLING to the mat! Stalker trying to get up, but here comes Erik Black with that BROOM HANDLE...
[SFX: *CRACK!!!*]
DT: AND HE JUST BREAKS IT ACROSS STALKER'S SPINE!!
DM: Stalker's taking some PUNISHMENT now! He was quick on the move early on in this match, but "DOPESMOKER" Erik Black has finally found into his groove and is keeping the momentum on his side!
DT: Stalker trying to rise, but here's Black into the ropes... MEETS HIM WITH A LOW DROPKICK to the face before he could even SIT UP all the way! Black just keeps COMING and COMING!
MN: How exactly does a pothead like that have the lungs to keep up with all these moves?
DT: One can only wonder, Mike... here's Black now, standing with his back to Stalker--GOING FOR A STANDING MOONSAULT, WOW!! HE CROSSES OVER for the COVER!!
ONE!!
TWO!!
Stalker gets the shoulder up!
DM: "DOPESMOKER" Erik Black's been putting up a decent fight thus far, but Stalker is surviving it.
MN: He's sustained several kinds of extreme pain before in the past, and there's nothing that Black can do that would phase him in this kind of match...
DT: That's a possibility, but I think we have more to see of the young and innovative Erik Black! The Escape Artist is going for another weapon... and this time, he settles on a STEEL CHAIR!!
DM: You can't beat the good ol' traditional chair! Stalker's almost to his feet, but he doesn't see Black coming at him! Black holding the CHAIR UP as STALKER TURNS AROUND --
[SFX: *SMACK!!*]
DT: OH MAN!! Stalker takes the CHAIR RIGHT OVER THE HEAD... and he DOESN'T GO DOWN!!
DM: Erik Black is standing in absolute SHOCK! He's going for it AGAIN!!
[SFX: *SMACK!!*]
DT: GOOD GOD!! Stalker takes ANOTHER chairshot... and REMAINS ON HIS FEET!! How is that man STILL STANDING?!
[SFX: *SMACK!!*]
DM: A THIRD CHAIRSHOT TO THE HEAD, and Stalker REFUSES to go down! How is that even POSSIBLE?!
MN: Stalker COULD be a cyborg from the future. I mean, I don't think it's likely, but he COULD be...
DT: Stalker teetering on both feet... he may not have been taken down by those chairs to the head, but he nevertheless felt them! Black looking questionably at his weapon now... wait, now he's readjusting his hold on it! What does he have planned...?
[SFX: *SMACK!!*]
DM: ERIK BLACK just HIT HIMSELF WITH THAT STEEL CHAIR!! What in the HELL was he just thinking?!
DT: I guess after seeing Stalker take THREE right to head and not going down, he just had to test it on himself! Nevertheless, Erik Black has SUFFICIENTLY put himself on his own back, and he could have just knocked himself out cold!
MN: Kids... don't do drugs. Or you'll grow up hitting yourself in the face with a chair...
DT: I have to say, that's a first for me... and now Stalker regaining his senses, seeing Erik Black sprawled out on the mat with a chair nearby! THAT can't be good!
DM: It most certainly is NOT, Dave! Stalker taking the chair and setting it up in the center of the ring! Now he's getting Erik Black back up, and there's the whip to the ropes... look for the DROP TOE HOLD here... WAIT!! Erik VAULTS over the trip--onto the CHAIR--BOUNCES TO THE TURNBUCKLE--!!
Crowd: *POP!!!*
MN: HOLY HALF-BAKED!!
DT: GOOD LORD, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?! Erik Black came DIVING OFF THE TOP ROPE WITH A TRIPLE JUMP CORKSCREW MOONSAULT!!
DM: A PERFECT COUNTER made by Erik Black, and he dodged a REAL bullet there! If Stalker had scored that Drop Toe Hold on the chair, then this match would be OVER for him! But honestly, I can't say if that last maneuver was a perfectly calculated move of genius or a completely stroke of idiot luck!
MN: Yeah, he was probably seeing pixies and unicorns, and jumped for 'em...
DT: Look at THIS...
[The camera zooms in on "The Sonic Titan" Ivan Dalkichev standing outside the ring, holding up the first of his cardboard signs for the fans which simply reads "DOPESMOKER".]
Crowd: "DOPE-SMO-KER!! DOPE-SMO-KER!! DOPE-SMO-KER!!"
MN: Well, there goes our Pepsi endorsement...
DT: The fans are rallying behind Erik Black as he STAGGERS to his feet in a daze as if he completely forgot where he was! Now he sees Stalker lying motionless on the mat... and he DIVES ON HIIM going for the cover!
ONE!!
TWO!!
NO!! A kickout by Stalker! He stays alive in this match, but is Erik Black proving TOO MUCH for him?!
MN: He's just gettin' warmed up...
DM: Black is doing everything to keep the ball rolling, by hitting Stalker with a barrage of endless moves and preventing him from thinking. Half of Stalker's offense is that sadistic mind of his...
MN: It's like killing a zombie. You separate the brain stem from the rest of the body, and it will effectively de-animate the target.
DT: Provided he doesn't SMACK HIMSELF with anymore CHAIRS, I'd say Erik Black is well on the way to an UPSET VICTORY over Stalker here tonight! Black's going for a weapon... and what's he got here?
DM: A big ol' honkin' TABLE LEG off a dinner table! Looks a little heavy and clumsy, if you ask me...
DT: Stalker's slowly working back to his feet... and now Erik Black is SPINNING AROUND, trying to get some MOMENTUM on that big table leg in his hands! Black's swinging that leg like a FLAIL now, inching his way toward STALKER...
DM: And Stalker GOES FOR THE LEGS!! Erik Black didn't count on that, and the table leg goes FLYING from his hands without his even having a chance to use it as he gets TACKLED to the canvas! Stalker mounting his chest now... GOING AT IT WITH BIG RIGHT HANDS!! Black's face is taking a HUGE BEATING!!
MN: Hopefully, he'll knock that mangy-ass BEARD right off of him...
DT: Erik Black is getting PUMMELED, and it looks as though Stalker's effectively turned this match BACK in his favor! He finally comes back to his feet, bringing the dazed Black up with him! He's looking at that CHAIR he set up earlier, and setting his back to it!
DM: Stalker, hooking Black around the waist...
[SFX: *CRUNCH~!!*]
Crowd: OOOOooohhh...
DM: AND FLIPS HIM OVER RIGHT INTO THE CHAIR WITH A POWERFUL BACK SUPLEX!! Erik Black just SAT DOWN the HARD WAY!!
DT: Black is simply HOWLING in pain there on the chair, and now Stalker's looking for another weapon! I think he's going to settle for a COOKIE SHEET!!
DM: Looks like they dragged out the standard fare for this match... Erik is sitting defenseless in that chair, and here comes STALKER--!!
[SFX: *BAM!!*]
Crowd: OOOOOoooooohhh...
DT: What a WHALLOPING SHOT across the SKULL with that stainless steel cookie sheet! Coming back on the OTHER SIDE NOW--!!
[SFX: *BAM!!*]
Crowd: OOOOOoooooohhh...
DT: That's TWO SHOTS from the cookie sheet on either side of the head!
MN: Man oh man, when Erik Black wakes up tomorrow, he's going to have to smoke a whole POUND of his dope to shake THAT head ache!
DM: Black's body is so overwhelmed with pain right now he's practically SPASMING! Or he could be overdosing... I don't know. Stalker doesn't know either, but he DOES know that it would be a crime to leave that TABLE LEG Erik used earlier out of this equation! He plucks it up off the mat, and now he's tucking it under his arm like a LANCE!!
DT: Stalker CHARGING FORWARD...
[SFX: *BLAMM!!!*]
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOhhhh!!
DM: OH WOW!! Stalker BLASTS ERIK BLACK WHILE CHARGING WITH THE TABLE LEG!!
DT: And Erik Black just TOOK IT STRAIGHT TO THE CHEST!! That knocked him CLEAR out of the chair and sent him SPRAWLING VIOLENTLY across the canvas!!
DM: That should do it right there if you ask me, but... Stalker's ignoring the pinfall! It's strange to see him go this far through the match without ending it!
DT: Erik Black is the only man to make a pin or submission attempt thus far. Stalker seems to feel this match will end when it ends, and he's patient enough to go through this for as long as it takes to get there!
MN: Hey man, take your time! Only four matches on the bill tonight!
DT: Black is in trouble now, where only minutes ago he was actually doing quite well... and Stalker looks relatively unphased, given the punishment he went through earlier in this match. I guess he really IS a trained veteran of extreme matches... and now, it's HIS stage! He brings Black to his feet by the HAIR... and just THROWS HIM OVER THE ROPES TO THE OUTSIDE!! Erik Black FLAILS WILDLY to the floor!!
DM: Black looking shaky, but nevertheless, he tries to get to his feet! Watch Stalker now... Erik is back up, turns around, and Stalker BLASTS HIM WITH A BASEBALL SLIDE!! Oh man, ERIK BLACK GETS KNOCKED RIGHT INTO THE STEEL BARRICADE!!
MN: 'Bout knocked his TEETH out!
DT: "DOPESMOKER" Erik Black is lying dazed on the rail now, as Stalker retrieves a few things before rolling outside to continue his offense! Black weakly turning around... and seeing Stalker wielding a SLEDGEHAMMER in one hand and a BASEBALL BAT in the other!
DM: Stalker is ARMED and DANGEROUS, and Erik Black realizes he's got his BACK against the wall! Stalker rearing down on him, and Black is looking for something to DEFEND himself with! Wait... Black REACHES INTO THE CROWD... he's got...
MN: A HOTDOG?!
DT: Well THAT'S to going to help him! It's a sledgehammer and baseball bat up against his meager FOOT-LONG?!
MN: Hey now... there ain't ANYTHING meager about twelve inches of wiener...
DM: Stalker with an evil grin on his face as he steps up and lets go with a SWING of his BAT... and he gets a BEEF FRANK TO THE FACE!!
DT: Stalker's left STUNNED, trying to wipe the MUSTARD AND RELISH out of his eyes, but he can't DO SO without dropping his WEAPONS!! Erik Black with an opportunity now, bouncing up to the GUARDRAIL --
Crowd: *POP!!*
DT: AND HE LAYS OUT STALKER WITH A SPRINGING BACK ELBOW!!
MN: I will NEVER speak ill of Oscar Meyer again...
DM: Stalker is LAID OUT at ringside, and Erik Black isn't finished now! Black popping up to the apron... bouncing off the SECOND ROPE -- AND GOING FOR AN ASAI MOONSAULT!!!
Crowd: *PO--* AAAAAaawww...
DT: NO DICE!! Stalker GOT OUT OF THE WAY as soon as he saw the DOPESMOKER go airborne!
DM: Black could have just kept it on the outside, and he'd likely still be in control of the match. But he had to go daredevil, and it ended up costing him! Now Stalker's got the opportunity he needs to extend his lead! Stalker's coming around the ring now, raising the apron and looking under the canvas for something useful!
DT: Stalker, rummaging around... but I think he's taking too much TIME in his search! Erik Black, looking a little groggy and tired, but still making it to his feet somehow!
MN: Come on... TABLE, CHAIR, doesn't matter WHAT you grab, just as long as you USE IT!!
DM: Looks like he's GOT SOMETHING... and it's... a FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!
MN: Otherwise known as "The Flaming Wrestler Prevention Kit"!
DT: Black is UP and sees Stalker around the ring... and here he comes RUNNING -- and SWINGING AROUND THE STEEL RINGPOST!!!
Crowd: *POP!!*
DT: OH MAN!! He just LAID OUT STALKER with BOTH LEGS!! What an INCREDIBLY ATHLETIC maneuver that made GREAT use of the environment!
DM: Stalker was hoping to use that fire extinguisher before he got the chance to recover, but he was TOO LATE, and now BLACK is going for it! Stalker trying to rise, but Black takes AIM --
[SFX: *FFWIISSSSHH!!*]
DM: AND HE JUST BLASTS STALKER POINT BLANK with a CLOUD of CARBON DIOXIDE!!
MN: That sounds... so completely NON-threatening!
DT: Looks like it did the trick, though! Stalker trying to rise now, but he's rubbing his eyes! I think he might be temporarily BLINDED!
DM: Stalker is stumbling around the ringside area, and now his back is facing Erik Black! Black's still got that fire extinguisher... and TAKES OUT STALKER FROM BEHIND, targeting the back of his LEGS!! Now he BRINGS IT DOWN ON TOP OF HIM!!
[SFX: *BAM!!*]
Crowd: *POP!!*
DT: Black bringing it down AGAIN--but Stalker CATCHES IT!!
DM: Both men locked in a game of tug of war over the fire extinguisher now, but Stalker finds the SWITCH --
[SFX: *FFFWWWIISSSSSHHHH!!*]
DT: AND ERIK BLACK GETS THE SEE-OH-TWO RIGHT IN THE FACE!! OH MAN, looks like he got a MOUTHFUL of DRY ICE!! Black is CHOKING on CO2 DUST, and now he's running to the guardrail, trying to get a DRINK from one of the fans!
DM: Stalker, meanwhile, using this opportunity to get back to his feet and grab that fire extinguisher!
MN: No more BURNING, you hippie!
DT: Oh wow... Black just dumps a HUGE CUP of MOUNTAIN DEW over his face, and it looks like that did the trick! But here comes STALKER from BEHIND...
[SFX: *BANG!!*]
DT: OH MAN, HE JUST DROVE THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER RIGHT INTO ERIK BLACK'S SPINE!! Both men go TUMBLING over the barricade and into the RINGSIDE SEATS!!
MN: Well, THOSE fans are certainly getting their money's worth!
DM: The fans are clearing aside to make room for the brawling competitors, and security is getting involved to make sure nobody gets TOO close to the action! I don't think that's going to MATTER much with these two individuals... but here comes Stalker to his feet first, tossing a few chairs aside and finding a stunned Erik Black at the bottom of the pile!
DT: Bad news for Erik Black! Stalker bringing right back to his feet, kicking a few chairs aside... and whips him RIGHT INTO THE GUARDRAIL -- !!
[SFX: *CRASSHH!!*]
Crowd: *POP!!!*
DM: BUT BLACK REVERSED IT!! HE SENT STALKER INTO THE STEEL GUARDRAIL INSTEAD!! What a GREAT and WELL-TIMED reversal, and now Black has a chance to get back INTO this match!
DT: Stalker's lying dazed against the guardrail, and now Black is grabbing one of the ringside seats... he TOSSES it Stalker -- but Stalker CATCHES IT --
[SFX: *SMACK!!*]
Crowd: *POP!!!*
DM: OH MAN, BLACK just PLASTERS STALKER with the VAN DAMINATOR!! I bet Stalker regrets catching that chair NOW!! Stalker is LAID OUT now, and "DOPESMOKER" Erik Black is already plotting his next move!
DT: Black is pulling Stalker's top half over the barricade, and leaving him dangling! Now he's going back to the RING, and he's still got that CHAIR!
MN: I'd be pissed if I was the guy sitting in that seat. Now he has to stand for the rest of the show.
DM: Black with that chair, going up to the apron! Now he's holding it up for the FANS and TAPPING THE SEAT!!
Crowd: "DOPE-SMO-KER!! DOPE-SMO-KER!! DOPE-SMO-KER!!"
DT: Black... running the length of the APRON...!!!
[SFX: *SMASSHH~!!!*]
Crowd: *POP~!!!!*
DT: OOOOOH, MAN!! ERIK BLACK NEARLY RIPPED STALKER IN HALF WITH A HASHEESHIAN FACEBUSTER!! Black CLEARED THE BARRICADE!!!
MN: That boy's got some UPS...
Crowd: "HOLY ****!! HOLY ****!! HOLY ****!!"
MN: Bah, so typical...
DT: "DOPESMOKER" Erik Black is going ALL OUT tonight in his singles debut, and he's got these fans on their FEET! Stalker is COMPLETELY OUT OF IT on that one, and now Black is going for the PIN! Remember, it's FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE under Stalker's Rules!
ONE!!
TWO!!
NO!! STALKER KICKED OUT!!
DM: Blows my mind how ANYBODY could withstand that kind of punishment! Black can hardly believe it himself... but now he's LAUGHING!
MN: I think he's enjoying himself a little too much out there...
DT: Erik Black leaves Stalker to recover as he goes back to the ring... and now he's searching underneath... and pulling out a TABLE!! And ANOTHER!! And A THIRD!!
MN: THREE!! THREE TABLES!! Hah-hah-hah...
DM: Thank you for the pun, "Count". Black slides the first table into the ring... I don't know what he has planned, but I hope he realizes how much TIME he's wasting right now! Behind him, Stalker's slowly creeping back to his feet with the help of the guardrail...
DT: Black is setting up the NEXT table now, and positioning it near the corner of the ring! I don't like where THAT is set at ALL!
DM: Stalker back on his feet now, watching this elaborate task of setting up tables while he catches his breath... and now Erik Black is setting the third table spanning from the ring apron to the guardrail!
MN: Low bridge hazard!
DT: Here's Stalker WITH A DOUBLE-AXEHANDLE over the back of Erik Black while he was just finished setting up the final table... and Stalker DRAPES HIM OVER IT!!
DM: Black is in a BAD spot now! Stalker, climbing up to the RING APRON... but Black SUDDENLY LANDS A KICK to the MID-SECTION from on the table!
MN: Bah...
DT: Stalker doubles over, and nearly FALLS OFF the apron, but he catches the top rope... and now Black is on the move! He slides off the table... slips into the ring... now he's grabbing STALKER FROM BEHIND...
DM: DOPESMOKER with a DIAMOND DUST OVER THE ROPES -- !!!
[SFX: *CRASSHH!!!*]
Crowd: OOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!
DM: AND HE GOES RIGHT THROUGH THE TABLE!!
DT: But Stalker DIDN'T GO WITH HIM!! HE HAD AHOLD OF THE TOP ROPE, and Erik Black just WENT OVER THE ROPES AND THROUGH A TABLE with a missed DIAMOND DUST!!
DM: I'm pretty sure he calls that move THE GREEN HIT... but it certainly didn't hit THERE! Stalker, still standing on the apron as he sees Erik Black rises from the splintered remains of that table... and he looks like he just knocked himself onto an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLANET!!
MN: Look at that babbling idiot! He has no idea what hit him!
DT: Black turning to the ring... and here comes STALKER OFF THE APRON WITH A KNEE TO THE CHEST!! MY GOD, HE NEARLY BLEW ERIK BLACK OUT OF HIS MOCCASSINS!!
DM: What a DEVASTATING one-two combo by Stalker... and I honestly don't see how Erik Black can come back from that one! He's taken kendo sticks, and table legs, and whole TABLES! Whatever's keeping him going, there can't be much left.
DT: You may be RIGHT on that, Dean-O! Black isn't moving any more, and Stalker peels him off the floor... now he rolls him back into the ring! He's looking to finish this where it started, but the question is HOW?!
MN: OH! OH STALKER!! Use the STOP SIGN!! THE STOP SIGN!!
DM: Stalker's going for the TABLE that Erik Black slid into the ring only a minute ago! Stalker's setting it upright in the CORNER... and I have a pretty good idea of what he has in mind to DO WITH IT!!
DT: Stalker, going back to the prone body of "DOPESMOKER" Erik Black... and lifting him up over his SHOULDER!!
MN: Human Lawn Darts! FAR OUT!!
DM: Stalker's got Erik's head aimed right at that table, and begins CHARGING -- !!
[CUE UP: "Albatross" by CoC riffs in over the PA. The fans POP TREMENDOUSLY! Stalker stops dead in his tracks, drops the unconscious black from his shoulder, and looks right to the entrance.]
DT: "THE UNDYING" ROCKO DAYMON IS HERE!!
MN: Oh great... who invited THIS shmuck?!
DM: Daymon ON THE STAGE and coming to the ring! There's nobody to protect Stalker this time, because it's HIS RULES, and that means interferences are LEGAL!!
MN: But his just being this close is ILLEGAL to the LAW, you idiots!
DT: Daymon doesn't care! He's hear for Stalker, and he's -- OH WAIT!!
[A steel chair wrapped in barbed wire suddenly FLIES INTO THE FRAME -- ]
[SFX: *CCRRRAAACCCKKK~~!!!*]
Crowd: *SHOCK~!!*
DT: ROCKO JUST GOT LAID OUT WITH A CHAIRSHOT!! SOMEONED HOPPED THE BARRICADE AND TOOK HIM OUT!!
MN: OH MAN, it's --
[The camera pans over to catch a glimpse of the assailant, staring down on the knocked out Rocko with a crazed look in his eyes...]
DM: OMEGA?! He's BACK?!
DT: HE'S BACK!! The CRAZIEST BASTARD IN WRESTLING IS BACK!! And what a way to COME BACK, than to just BLAST the former World Heavyweight Champion with his long-time life partner, BARB!!
MN: Where's this guy BEEN anyway?! And what the hell is he doing out here NOW?!
DT: I don't know, but... wait, Stalker is LAUGHING in the ring! Now Omega is NODDING to him! Is there an ALLIANCE HERE?!
DM: Wait a minutes... STALKER... and OMEGA... TOGETHER?! The TWO OF THOSE LUNATICS working TOGETHER?!
MN: ...oh man, the thought just scares me...
DT: WAIT!! ERIK BLACK JUST JUMPED ONTO STALKER'S BACK!! BLACK LOCKING IN THE ARM and the CLAW... he's got THE COTTONMOUTH LOCKED IN!!
DM: Stalker is FLAILING WILDLY trying to rip him off, but Black is clinging on for DEAR LIFE!! How much longer can Stalker last in THIS situation!
DT: He's gotta think of SOMETHING fast, otherwise Black will get him to the ground, and that'll be ALL she wrote!
DM: Stalker sees the table in the corner... he's GOING FOR IT!!
[SFX: *CRASH!!*]
DM: AND ERIK BLACK JUST GOT CRUSHED INTO THAT TABLE!! THAT was enough to brush him off!
[The camera cuts momentarily to the stage, as a number of ring officials spill out to try and drag the deranged Omega from attacking the incapacitated Rocko Daymon any further. He savagely shoves them aside and continues stomping away at the former World Heavyweight Champ.]
DT: Well, ladies and gentlemen... it looks like our ring officials are trying to do something about the brawl occurring on the stage. I guess for now, the action in the ring will remain undisturbed!
DM: If you ask me, I think Stalker almost KNEW Rocko would be coming out here tonight, and arranged for Omega to stop him! He's a sick and sadistic man... but he knows how to walk into a battle prepared!
MN: Or maybe Rocko just has trouble passing the idiot test... we may never know.
DT: Stalker's plan with the table went a little awry, and now he has to improvise... Stalker bringing Erik Black back onto his feet... going for the standing leg-scissor... lifts Black up for the POWERBOMB -- AND BLACK COUNTERS WITH A HURRICANRANA!!
DM: OH MAN, BOTH MEN GO TUMBLING OVER THE ROPES!! This fight's going back to THE OUTSIDE!!
Crowd: *POP!!*
DT: This match has just gone ABSOLUTELY INSANE!! Erik Black looks DELIRIOUS from pain and exhaustion, and he's been LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLE for the past five or so minutes... and now he's setting Stalker up ONTO THE FINAL TABLE!! It's RIGHT BELOW THE TURNBUCKLE!!
DM: Oh man, that's from nearly EIGHT FEET STRAIGHT UP!!
MN: This kid is a FREAKING MORON if he thinks he can pull this off...
DT: Stalker is LAID OUT on the table... and Erik Black is CLIMBING up to the apron!
Crowd: "DOPE-SMO-KER!! DOPE-SMO-KER!! DOPE-SMO-KER!!"
DT: Black is BACK IN THE RING and SCALING THE TURNBUCKLE now! Pumping up the FANS... and now pulling something out of his pocket! Is that a... OH GEEZ!!
MN: Yeah, my thoughts exactly! Guess he wants to be high in two different ways!
DM: They don't call him "DOPESMOKER" for nothing! Black takes a HIT... THROWS the joint into the CROWD...
OFF THE TOP ROPE WITH THE 420 SPLASH!!!!
[*CRRAAASSSHHHHH~!!!!!*]
DT: STALKER ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY!!! ERIK BLACK JUST DOVE RIGHT THROUGH A TABLE ON THE OUTSIDE FROM THE TOP ROPE IN THE RING!!! My God, he NEARLY MADE A CRATER when he came COLLAPSING THROUGH THAT TABLE!!
Crowd: "EE-PEE-DUBBYA!! EE-PEE-DUBBYA!! EE-PEE-DUBBYA!!"
MN: Jeez, this is SO 1995...
DM: That was a HORRIBLE FALL for Erik Black, and honestly, I think of everything that's been done to him in this match, the most damage he's taken he's done to HIMSELF!!
DT: Stalker's peeling Erik Black off the floor, and rolling him back into the ring! Now... he's calling OMEGA down to the ring!
DM: OH BOY... here comes OMEGA, breaking away from the ring officials as they drag the beaten Rocko Daymon back to the infirmary... and he's got BARB WITH HIM!!
DT: Oh man, NOT BARB!!
MN: WHOA-OH HERE SHE COMES... watch out, boy, she'll CHEW YOU UP!!
DM: Thanks, always, for the Hall and Oates references, Neels, but that was BEYOND lame. Omega sliding that chair wrapped in barbed wire into the ring, and Stalker SETS IT UP... now he's bringing the hardly conscious ERIK BLACK back to his feet!
DT: I don't like where THIS is going! Stalker, with the WHIP to the ropes... here's Black on the return -- !!
[SFX: *BLAAMM!!!*]
DT: ...running RIGHT INTO A DROP TOE HOLD INTO BARB!!!
DM: WOW!! Erik Black's forehead SPLIT WIDE OPEN the second it connected with that HORRIBLY ALTERED steel chair!
MN: Hey man, don't you EVER knock my rendition of "Maneater" again...
DT: There is NO WAY Erik Black is getting up from that one... but Stalker isn't finished! Stalker is laying Barb flat on the mat... oh no, what is THIS?! Stalker bringing BLACK BACK TO HIS FEET...
EVENFLOW ON BARB!!! MY GOD, ERIK BLACK IS DEAD!!
DM: I think that's IT! Stalker looking for the pin now... NOW he makes the cover, and OF COURSE we know why!
DT: Stalker HOOKS THE LEG...
ONE...
TWO...
THREE!! It's OVER!!
[SFX: *DING! DING! DING!*]
[CUE UP: "Did My Time" by Korn. The capacity crowd JEERS with ferocity as Stalker rises off of the fallen body of "DOPESMOKER" Erik Black, looking exhausted, worn-out, and hurt, but nevertheless triumphant. A sinister grin crosses his face as Gomez victoriously raises his arm. Omega joins him in the ring, first tending to Barb by picking her up and wiping the blood stains from her razor wire, whispering delightfully on her job well done.]
DT: What a HELLACIOUS BATTLE between these two! We've seen CHAIRS and TABLES and even HOT DOGS used in this completely EXTREME match... but in the end, the longtime hardcore veteran pulled out the expected win!
DM: "DOPESMOKER" Erik Black put up a spirited fight, and he successfully had the crowd rallied behind him every second of this match, but in the end, his daredevil risks ended up costing him!
MN: I guess that'll show him for thinking he could take on the HARDCORE JEDI MASTER!!
DT: To think, we have even MORE hardcore action in tonight's main event between Cameron Cruise and Marcus Westcott! Is this just a sampling of things to come?
DM: What I’m interested in, Dave, is of the things that will come out of THIS particular alliance...
[Stalker and Omega stand face to face for a moment in the ring, looking at each other with sadistic grins, knowing their plans are unfolding and the world can do nothing but watch. Then they turn and look down at the fallen body of Erik Black, lying flat on his back. Stalker chuckles a bit over his opponent, but nevertheless gives him a respectful salute before the two turn and exit the ring together. From the outside, the SONIC TITAN Ivan Dalkichev drags Black from the ring and attempts to bring him to.]
DM: Stalker and Omega in cahoots... I have to say, that's a fairly appropriate pairing, given how similarly sick and sadistic both men are!
MN: Yeah, all we need to do now is round up these lunatics and send them all back to the asylum!
DT: You know... they might go back there and hear that... and come back for you.
MN: *ULP!*
[CUTTO: Backstage. The camera follows down a backstage corridor, with EPW Security rushing down it.]
DT: It would seem there's a commotion going on backstage. We haven't gotten any word on what's going on, but it clearly seems to be a priority.
MN: Yeah, just look at the muscle booking it down the hall!
DT: Where are they headed....
[They soon come upon a dressing room marked with a gold plate that reads 'EPW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION' and underneath another plate, 'TRIPLE X' SEAN STEVENS.]
DT: The World Heavyweight Champion? What could he... OH NO!
[The door has been left ajar. The cameraman approaches while Security enters and finds it completely torn up: an overturned couch, broken light stands, and a shattered mirror are among the wreckage. The EPW World Heavyweight Champion is nowhere to be found.]
DT: Was this Sean Stevens' doing, or..... was he....
[Moving further into the room, we find a hole in the wall near the showers. And as the cameraman heads over there with Security....]
DT: MY LORD! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
[There lies the EPW World Heavyweight Champion, face-down on the shower floor, shards of glass sticking out of him and mixing with a pool of blood beneath him!]
MN: THIS IS ****ING SICK!
DT: I-I... WHO?? Who COULD... who WOULD do this to the EPW World Heavyweight Champion?!?
MN: Someone who wants to be ROYALLY *****ED!!!!
DT: I can only imagine this is tied to the mysterious hit-and-run attacks we've seen for the past few weeks. But to think not even the World Heavyweight Champion is safe??
MN: It's not like he has a shortage of enemies in EPW. But the one who did this has a ginormous set of balls.... and a serious death wish!!!
DT: One or ONES even!
MN: There you go again, jumping to the easy conclusions. ANTHOLOGY already plead their case to Ms. Troy, and she basically told them to STOP WHINING! They made it clear they aren't responsible!
DT: I don't know anymore.... the guilty part does quick work, that's for sure. If only we could catch them in the act, but they're always a step or two ahead!
MN: Even I can't figure this one out, but I'd shake their hand if I knew who it was. They're picking off these targets at will!
DT: I'd rather see the person or persons responsible get what's coming to them! Hopefully the World Heavyweight Champion isn't too banged up, especially with the PPV coming up! Let's go to break and try to sort this out.....
[Paramedics come in to tend to 'Triple X' as we cut to commercial.....]