[FADE into a shot of the performers’ parking lot at Reliant Stadium, centered on two adjacent parking spaces. The shot is quiet for about a minute before a 2008 Cadillac Escalade pulls up. It stops and then backs into the parking space. After a few moments, the headlights go off, and a few moments after that, both driver and passenger side open. From the SUV emerge Beast and his main squeeze Jessica. They grab their bags out of the back and head towards the performers’ entrance, with Beast momentarily reaching back to remote-lock the car.
A minute later, a Rolls-Royce pulls up into the parking lot, major tint on the windows. The car quickly pulls into the spot next to the Escalade and just as quickly shuts off the engine. The driver’s side door flies open, and the driver, dressed sloppily in a suit and a chauffeur’s hat and looking like a dead ringer for Topher Grace or DJ Qualls, flies out of the car and rushes to the rear passenger’s side seat. He opens the door and out steps the owner of EPW and A1E, Dan Ryan. Ryan brushes himself off and stares down the young chauffeur.]
RYAN: How long did you say you’ve been doing this?
DRIVER: Eight years, I swear!
RYAN: Bullsh*t.
[Ryan slaps the driver a fifty.]
RYAN: You’re lucky you’re getting this much. Next time, try not making those turns like your name’s Starsky.
[The owner walks off towards the entrance as the driver looks vacantly off in the same direction. Ryan walks into the building and the driver is shaken by a loud PSSST! He rushes over to the shadows.]
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Hey, you, good job getting him in that parking spot.
DRIVER: Thanks.
MV: Did you drive like a mental home fugitive like I asked?
DRIVER: Like Lindsay Lohan in Manhattan.
MV: Excellent. Here...
[A hand comes out of the shadows, handing the driver a nice wad of cash.]
MV: Take that, and hit up a good restaurant. You earned it. And if you head over to Pappasito’s Cantina, bring me back some of those fajitas.
DRIVER: You got it, Mr. Anonymous.
[From out of the shadows comes the lucha-masked face of Jericoholic Anonymous.]
JA: I told you, don’t use my real name... ah whatever, I’m already on camera. Anyway, go forth, have a good time, and remember, vote Anonymous in Oh-Eight.
DRIVER: What office are you running for?
[JA turns to face the camera with a saucy look in his eyes.]
JA: ...I’m not!
[X-TREEM CLOSEUP of JA’s face replete with ominous music. The scene fades to black as the logo for Black Dawn 2008 illuminates.]
[SFX: BOOM!! As pyro erupts all over Reliant Stadium. The roof is open under a beautiful night sky, 72 degrees and all is….awesome. Cut to Dave Thomas, Mike Neely and Dean Matthews at ringside.]
DT: Hello everybody and welcome to one of THE premier events on the professional wrestling calendar….Empire Pro Wrestling’s BLACK DAWN 2008!! I’m Dave Thomas and with me as always are Dean Matthews and Mike Neely…and we are live and SOLD OUT with 70,000 screaming fans here in Houston, Texas!!
MN: Home of the boss!!
DM: I believe Bruce Springsteen is from New Jersey.
MN: Does Bruce Springsteen sign your paycheck??
DM: I wish.
DT: We’ve got a hell of a night ahead. Every title is on the line, particularly in our main event…. (A graphic comes up showing Rocko Daymon and Sean Stevens, wearing the EPW World Title belt, standing side by side) ….where Rocko Daymon finally gets his shot at the World Title currently held by “Triple X” Sean Stevens.
DM: It’s been a long time comin’, Dave – and I think this one will be well worth it.
DT: Let’s get things going right away and take it up to Tony Fatora for the first match of the evening, a 3-way dance between Olvir Arsvinnar, Nakita Dahaka and Frankie Scott, aka The American Idol.
DM: Scott made a statement to all of EPW this past week, telling almost everyone on the roster to kiss his ass. He’s on his own now. No more allegiances. You better not call him Phenomenal anymore.
TF: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Introducing first…
[CUE UP: “Phenomenon” by Thousand Foot Krutch hits the sounds speakers as The American Idol, Frankie Scott steps out from behind the curtain to almost unanimous cheers. He slaps hands as he walks down the ramp and climbs into the ring.]
TF: From Atlanta, Georgia, standing six foot two and weighing in at two hundred forty two pounds, the one and only American Idol, FRRRRAANKIEEEE SSSSSSCOTTTTTTT!
MN: HA HA HA, the one and only American Idol, except for the nine other ones we see on TV every year!
[The music stops, and Scott watches as the lights in the arena go out. Suddenly red lighting hits every corner of the arena and black lights shine over the stage entrance. “Gently” by Slipknot hits and Nikita’s video lights up on screen. Thick fog covers the ramp as a ring of fire comes up on stage. Nikita rises up from the stage, cracking her knuckles. Nakita walks down the ramp to a chorus of boos, but she ignores them, stepping between the ropes. She takes a knee in the center of the ring as the spotlight hovers over her frame. The lights come back on as her theme song fades out.]
MN: Damn, she’s STILL CREEPY to me after all this time.
DM: Creepy or scary? Face it, she frightens the hell out of you.
MN: No!
DM: HA HA! Yeah right…
TF: Hailing from Phoenix, Arizona. Standing six foot four inches tall and weighing in at one hundred eighty five pounds… The Dark Phenom, NNNNIKITAAAA DAAAAAHAKAAAA!!!
DT: These two have some history, but they steer clear of each other and go to their separate turnbuckles as they wait for their next opponent.
[CUE UP: “I Am A Viking” by Yngwie Malmsteen’s Rising Force hits the speakers as the fans go CRAZY! The pornographic Viking steps though the curtains with his battle axe and mead horn in each hand. The crowd cheers some more as he pumps them up with a hearty roar. He steps on the apron and downs a mouthful of mead, then spits it up in the air. He steps through the ropes, towering over his opponents.]
MN: How exactly do you dominate a butt anyway?
DM: With LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of baby oil.
TF: And finally, from Las Vegas Nevada, standing six foot seven inches and weighing in at three hundred seventeen pounds… The BUTT DOMINATOR, The Greatness That Is OOOOLLLLVIRRRRRR AARSSSSSVINARRRRR!!!!
[SFX: Bell rings]
DT: And right away both Scott and Arsvinnar approach Dahaka and attack with rights and stomps to the legs. She is pummeled as she falls to her rear.
MN: Rear? What, are you ten?
DM: Both these men have beef with Dahaka, and she’s being DOMINATED until she falls to her BUTT.
DT: Scott pushes Olvir aside as he holds the ropes and stomps Nikita relentlessly. Olvir takes offense and grabs AI by the neck. The pornographic Viking pulls Scott into his chest and tosses him halfway across the ring.
MN: WHOA!
DM: There is a well of strength teeming with the Viking that seems to flow forever.
DT: Scott flips over his back and ends up on his knees. He looks like Olvir just slapped him at a cocktail party. As Olvir approaches Scott dishes out a low blow and Olvir falls to his side holding his groin.
MN: WHEW! I don’t think we’re going to be seeing a thousand more bastards after that.
DT: Scott picks up Arsvinnar by his blonde hair and bounces off the ropes. He lands a Flying Clothesline, but Arsvinnar doesn’t budge an inch. He stares down at Scott, who looks back in shock. Olvir roars as he lands The Mjolnir-blow. The fans go nuts and roar right back. Olvir goes for the One Foot Pin…
1!
DM: Please! Frankie might have some ring rust, but there’s no way in hell a technician like him is going to be defeated by a foot to the chest.
DT: Dahaka, waiting in the wings, sees her chance to strike and dropkicks the giant Olvir in the back. He stumbles forward and is met with a Tilt-A-Whirl DDT from The American Idol. Olvir the Lengthy hits the mat HARD and head-first.
MN: YOU DID NOT just call him Olvir the Lengthy!
DT: It’s right here on the alias list Neely. I’m just doing my job.
MN: Right, right. Do you see the female BUTT DOMINATOR on that sheet anywhere? I’m a little worried about you Dave. That sounds like a pet name.
DM: Neely, if you’re done reliving the dream you had last night through Dave, let’s get back to the match.
MN: I’m just saying!
DT: Nikita and Frankie are stomping Olvir while he tries to get up. Scott knees Arsvinnar in the face as Olvir clutches his blonde beard in pain. The fans are booing as the fan favorite gets pounded.
MN: Good teamwork here. These two may not like each other, but when you’re in the ring with a humongous pornographic Viking- you gotta look out for your own ass.
DM: No pun intended, right Neely?
MN: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
DT: Frankie chokes Olvir as Dahaka climbs the turnbuckle. Scott moves to Olvir’s legs and holds him down. Dahaka executes a picture-perfect Moonsault as Scott pumps his fist watching Arsvinnar squirm. He doesn’t see Dahaka try for a pin.
1!
2!
Scott hears the pounding of the mat from the referee and stomps Dahaka in the head just in time to stop the pin. He grabs her by the long hair as she cringes.
DM: Should’ve seen that coming. Then again, this is a woman who breaks bottles over her head and runs head-first into walls.
DT: The fans cheer as Scott executes a Double Underhook Neckbreaker on Dahaka. He grabs her by the legs and applies a Texas Cloverleaf. As he turns the submission maneuver over, he’s comes face-to-foot with Olvir’s giant boot.
MN: Well that’s one way to break a submission hold. Olvir’s likely to get a thank you note from Scott’s dentist after that boot to the face.
DT: Dahaka is still in pain as Olvir picks her up and holds her over his head like a title belt. He roars and the crowd roars back in approval. He tosses Dahaka out of the ring and onto the… OH SH*T!
[Dahaka lands on the announcer’s table as the three announcer’s scatter. Dave Thomas picks up his headphones from the ground.]
DT: Olvir just tossed Dahaka from the ring onto the announcer’s table! What strength!
MN: Dean, push her off so I can sit down!
DM: Scared Neely?!
MN: No Damnit!
DT: In the ring Scott just rolled up Arsvinnar, but the referee is checking on Nakita. He sees the pin and rolls into the ring…
1!
2!
Kickout! The American Idol jumps up like a bat out of hell screaming at the referee. Spit is flying everywhere as Scott points his finger, almost poking the ref in the eye.
DM: And that should’ve been it. You just can’t find good officials these days. Not in basketball. Not in pro wrestling.
DT: Olvir takes this opportunity to pummel Scott with rights to the head. He executes a Spinebuster on the smaller Frankie Scott, and beats his chest as he roars. The fans cheer their approval and watch as Olvir delivers his BIG powerbomb! Here’s the pin…
1!
2!
MN: Dahaka with the save!
DT: Thanks Mikey. I’ll handle it from here… Dahaka saves Scott with a springboard frog splash from the apron. Very impressive. Nakita bounces off the ropes as Olvir wobbles to his feet. She spears the giant Viking, but he doesn’t fall. He stumbles backward and Scott executes a Russian Leg Sweep on Arsvinnar. Scott smartly realizes there’s no opportunity for a pin, and attacks Nakita. After several rights, Nakita counters with a knee lift that sends Scott to the mat.
MN: Didn’t see that coming! Get him Nakita!
Nakita waits as Scott stumbles to his feet. She signals to the crowd and they boo loudly. Nakita sizes up Scott as he turns around and Dahaka nails The Running Gun! Scott hits the mat hard!
MN: YES!!!
DM: Dammit, she has him now!
DT: Nikita quickly covers the American Idol and the ref is on top of it this time!
1…
2…
ARSVINNAR WITH THE BREAKUP! He pulls Nikita up by the hair and stares coldly into her eyes. With his left hand holding her hair, his right clenches Dahaka’s neck. He wastes no time choke slamming her to the mat. Dahaka bounces hard off the mat. Scott is up not and runs at Olvir, but he is met with the same fate.. choke slam and a big one. Olvir kicks Scott out of the ring as he picks up Nikita.
DM: Here it comes!
DT: With time of the essence, Olvir executes his patented Berzerker Bomb with authority on the masochistic Dark Phenom. Olvir doesn’t fool around this time, with a textbook cover…
1!
2!
3!!!
And finally Ovlir Arsvinnar gets a pinfall victory over The Dark Phenom Nikita Dahaka as The American Idol, Frankie Scott is left scratching his head.
TF: YOUR WINNER, THE PORNOGRAPHIC VIKING, OLLLVIRRRRR ARSSSVINNNARRRRR!!!!
DM: Impressive win here by Olvir, who seemed to have the edge through the whole. He showed all of EPW there’s no substitute for raw power.