DT: Folks, we’ve seen a lot of interesting rivalries in the three-plus year history of Empire Pro Wrestling, but this one, it features some of the more interesting and brash personalities in all the wrestling universe. Tonight, at Russian Roulette, the rivalry comes to a head, as Shawn Hart defends his TV Title against the Clown Prince of Wrestling, James Irish!
DM: And to add to that, each of these accomplished stars has a damn good second to watch their back, Dave. At WrestleSTOCK we saw “Phenomenal” Frankie Scott align himself with the TV champ to form the latest of the 36 incarnations of Team Phenom, and James Irish will have the returning Sergeant in his corner, so both the Phenom and the Mad Genius have men in their corners that could add additional fireworks to an already explosive situation.
DT: Mike, your thoughts?
MN: I like it when they hit each other!
DT: Short, sweet, and pointless as always, Michael.
DM: He’s like a puppy, I love it.
DT: To Tony Fatora for the introductions!
[CUT TO: Tony Fatora, midring, mic in hand]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest at Russian Roulette is scheduled for ONE FALL, and will be contested for the Empire Pro Wrestling Television Championship! Introducing the challenger…
[CUE UP: “I’ll Drink to You” Duke Jupiter. James Irish steps through the curtain to a MASSIVE pop, flanked by Erin Flanagan and the Sergeant. James salutes the crowd and heads towards the ring, sliding under the bottom rope and waiting in the corner.]
TF: He stands six feet, three inches tall and weighed in at 245 pounds. Hailing from Fredonia, New York, he is the Mad Genius of Professional Wrestling, he is …
JAAAAAAAAAAMMMMEEEESSSS EEEEEEYYYYYEEEEE-RRRRRRIIIISSSSSHHHH!!!!
His opponent…
[CUE UP: “Watching the Wheels” John Lennon. Shawn Hart walks out to vehement booing, with Frankie Scott walking behind him and clapping. Hart pulls off his ring robe and climbs into the ring, staring down Irish on the inside as Sarge and Scott stare down on the outside.]
TF: He stands five feet, eleven inches tall and weighed in prior to the contest at 226 pounds. Hailing from Orlando, Florida, he enters tonight as the REIGNING and DEFENDING Empire Pro Wrestling Television Champion….
“THE PHENOM”
SHAAAAAAAWWWWWNNNNN HAAAAAAAAARRRRRTTTTTT!!!!!!
[SFX: Bell Rings]
DT: And away we go!
MN: Three years, and you treat the start of every match like it’s the damn Kentucky Derby. You are such a tool.
DT: Ignoring you.
MN: You can’t do it forever, Daaavey.
DM: He can try. Lord knows I do.
DT: Neither man wants to be the first to commit here in this one. Hart and Irish circle around the ring, making a slow pace and wearing a track in the canvas. Hart leans forward, and here comes James Irish to lock it up, but the Phenom fakes him out and rakes the challenger right in the eyes!
DM: Shawn Hart is an absolute master of psychology and head games, and he will screw around with you until you just can’t take it anymore.
DT: James recollects himself, they come back together, and this time Irish gives the TV champ a dose of his own medicine with a poke right into the eyes!
DM: ‘Course, they don’t call this dude the Mad Genius for nothing. This might just turn into a “Can You Top This” contest of schoolyard nerd-bullying tactics.
MN: Five bucks Hart pulls out the atomic wedgie.
DT: Both men take a minute to clear their vision, and now they are face to face again, and this time, neither one is going to let the other man goad him into an eye poking match! James with the right hand, Hart counters back, and the fists are flying from both champ and challenger! Hart with a big right, and a left! Charges forward…fantastic judo style throw by James Irish, and he climbs right on top of the champ and starts absolutely laying into him with punches and elbows! James Irish coming out tonight almost like an MMA ground-and-pounder, and that’s not something we’re used to seeing from him!
DM: Not many guys in professional wrestling use a style like this, Dave, and James Irish has Shawn Hart totally off his game with a great departure from his usual in-ring style.
MN: Feh. If I wanted to see one guy lay on top of another guy, there’s this website I could go to…
DM: Mike, don’t mention that again. Ever.
MN: But, I was just gonna…
DM: EVER. It’s just weird, dude.
DT: Conversations I don’t need to hear, Volume 95. James Irish, by the way, is continuing to press his advantage on the ground against the champ, who is doing everything he can to avoid the clubbing blows from his challenger AND stay off his shoulders to avoid the pin! James tries to push up for leverage…
Shawn Hart rolls through! Fantastic amateur wrestling from the champ and he rolls up Irish for a quick pin…
ONE…
And that’s all he’ll get, but the Phenom finally breaks away from that vicious, aggressive ground attack of James Irish and takes a moment to regroup with Frankie Scott outside the ring.
MN: Good idea, Shawnie. Get away from the crazy man from Upstate New York that’s trying to lay a whoopin’ on you.
DM: A whoopin’?
MN: We’re in my homeland, the South! Don’t disrespect my native dialect, jerk.
DM: You’re from South Jersey, numbnuts!
MN: A man can dream.
DT: David Rosenkrantz’s count has reached four here, and James Irish doesn’t want to go any further in letting the champ walk away from here with a countout. He’s out of the ring, and Shawn Hart is heading in the exact opposite direction, but he runs straight into the Sergeant! He spins around … right into a vicious flying forearm from Irish! He floored him and Hart’s head hit very awkwardly against the protective mats out there. James rolls him into the ring, and he drops a quick elbow right to the chest! The cover…
ONE…
No more than that for the challenger, but James Irish has got Shawn Hart reeling early on in this one.
MN: Yeah, but they’ve only been wrestling for like, eleventy four seconds. The Phenom’s just playing with him.
DM: Eleventy four?
MN: Damn right.
DT: James has the champ up, and he blisters the chest of Shawn Hart with a stinging chop! And another! And another! One more, and you can see where the welts are going to raise tomorrow morning!
DM: I’d wager that they’ll come up somewhere on that large, red, and already bruised area.
MN: C’mon, ref! He raised welts with four chops! He’s got loaded wrists! I CALL SHENANIGANS!
DM: Shut up. Just shut up.
DT: James has backed the champ into the corner, drops a quick forearm and pulls him out.
DM: You have no idea how wrong that sounds.
DT: Irish whip by James … and he whiffs on the clothesline! He comes Hart … flying forearm connects, and he drops the point of his knee straight onto the right shoulder blade of James Irish. Hart springs up, and he just starts laying the heavy heel of his boot right to that shoulder.
DM: This is textbook Shawn Hart, Dave. We all know he’s got that devastating Fujiwara Armbar in reserve, and trying to put James Irish’s shoulder out of commission early on is the exact right way to set him up for this later on.
MN: I wanna see his arm dangling by a thread. I’d put that clip on YouTube and get like a billion hits.
DT: Hart’s got the full advantage here after stopping the challenger’s momentum, and he is going to bring the pace of this match to a damn near grinding halt. He wrings that right arm hard … and he just brought a nasty elbow down right onto the arm of James Irish. He could’ve separated the shoulder from it’s socket right then and there, and we’ve barely gotten started in this one.
MN: Even I know that’s kind of the point, Burgerman.
DT: Hart’s continuing to put the pressure on that shoulder, and he’s going old school here and controlling his opponent with nothing but a hammerlock.
DM: No ordinary hammerlock, Dave. He’s got the arm torqued way past 90 degrees, and that’s putting pressure on every nerve in that right arm. This may not be the most elegant or exciting way of winning a match, but this is frighteningly effective.
DT: James is trying desperately to avoid further damage to his shoulder in the early going, guys. He scrambles towards the ropes … OH MY! Shawn Hart yanked him away and tossed him shoulder first into the ringpost! Roll-up from behind by the champ…
ONE…
TWOOOONOOOOO!!! Barely a count of two, but Shawn Hart has inflicted some key damage to the man chasing his title.
MN: Enough damage for me to try me Double Mega Wizard Magic Attack.
DM: No.
MN: AWWWWW!!!
DT: James Irish has had his right shoulder absolutely punished so far, and I just don’t know how much more he can sustain. Hart’s on the hunt again, waiting for Irish to get up. James is on his knees … Hart misses the soccer kick to the shoulder and Irish sweeps him straight to the mat! Up comes Hart, short-arm clothesline southpaw style by the challenger!
DM: James has guts, but it’s tough to fight as a one-armed man.
MN: Don’t talk. A one armed man killed my wife.
DM: Exactly HOW dated is that reference?
DT: James is trying to mount some offense here. He kicks Shawn in the gut, hits the ropes … Hart counters with a high back body drop and James Irish landed FLUSH on that shoulder! Hart slides over to pin…
ONE…
TWO…
James kicks out! James Irish’s right shoulder is badly hurt, folks, but he is going to keep fighting.
MN: Enough with the lovey-dovey resilience crap, Davey. If the guy was any kind of smart he’d just walk away before the Phenom left him without an arm.
DM: Since when are you allowed to have opinions about what smart people should do?
DT: Shawn Hart has this fight solidly in his grasp and he is letting the crowd know it. He’s got James up, hooks the head … snap suplex rattles the ring and sends shockwaves through the nerves of the challenger.
MN: That’s a new way of describing getting one’s ass handed to them on a silver platter.
DT: Hart’s in the corner … blowing a kiss towards Erin Flanagan?
MN: Don’t do it Phenom, she’s got cooties!
DM: Mental midget.
DT: Hart off the ropes … big knee … NOBODY HOME!!! Irish had just enough time to recover and roll out of the way and Shawn Hart landed hard on that left knee and he’s coming up a little lame.
MN: Shawn’s not lame. HE RULES!
DM: Not lame as in … nevermind.
DT: James off the ropes … baseball slide right to that left knee, and know the champion’s the one with a damaged limb! Off the ropes again comes Irish … FACEBUSTER!!! He planted the champ’s head straight into the canvas! Hooks the leg for a cover…
ONE…
TWO…
SHOULDER UP!!! Shawn Hart kicks out, but for the first time tonight, his title looks like it could be in jeopardy.
DM: That’s true, but this match is still going to come down to how long James Irish’s right shoulder can hold out.
DT: James is going to do everything he can to work quickly here, to press the pace that the champ had slowed to a halt. Irish whip by the challenger … big kneelift to the gut doubles the Phenom over! Double underhook … and a DDT! Shawn Hart might be knocked out! The pin…
ONE…
TWO…
THREEEEE!!!! No! NO! James Irish should’ve had this match won, but that damn Frankie Scott put Shawn Hart’s foot on the rope and broke up the count!
MN: You see, Lone Star. Evil will always win, because good is dumb.
DM: Hey Dark Helmet, I think Frankie might be dealing with one of Newton’s Laws of Physics here. Y’know, the one about every action having and equal but opposite reaction?
MN: Uhhh, no?
DT: Well, Frankie Scott is about to learn, because here comes Sarge! The champ and challenger are in the ring, but it’s the two seconds who are slugging it out now on the outside, and David Rosenkrantz is going out to break it up! We’ve got security out here, and they’re going to keep the two parties separate for now, but I don’t know how long that’s going to be able to keep that mission successful.
MN: With these fat, donut-craving, wussy Rent-A-Cops? About six seconds.
DT: The referee is out there still sorting this out … and Shawn Hart took advantage of that! He just hit James Irish with a low blow just before the referee came back in! Now a standing headscissors by the champ … POWERBOMB!!! He just powerbombed James Irish damn near through the mat! He folds him up for the pin…
ONE…
TWO…
HART RETAINS….NOOOO!!! What a gutsy showing by James Irish to shoot that left shoulder off the mat, and not a moment too soon after Shawn Hart almost stole this one with that low blow.
DM: Underhanded tactics or not, the Phenom did what all great ring veterans do. He took advantage of a distraction at ringside to gain an advantage and get back in control of this title defense.
DT: Hart still working over the challenger, front facelock … and a front layout suplex! James Irish lands gut first on the canvas! Hart yanks him up, throws some forearms and whips Irish hard into the turnbuckle! On the charge comes the champ … MASSIVE LARIAT IN THE CORNER!!! He just impaled James Irish on those turnbuckle pads!
MN: If the joker had to be impaled, at least it was on something soft and cushy.
DT: James is wobbling out of the corner, and the Phenom is on the second rope. James turns around, OH MY!!! CORKSCREW BLOCKBUSTER BY THE CHAMP!!!! This one’s in the books! The pin…
ONE…
TWO…
THRRRRNOOOOOO!!!! Somehow, someway, James Irish kicked out of that incredible maneuver by Shawn Hart!
DM: This guys got guts on top of guts.
MN: Dude, that’s just gross.
DT: Shawn senses he can put this one away. It might be Hart Attack time! He stalks James Irish from behind … HART ATTACK … NO WAY! James Irish pushed the champ away! Hart bounces off the ropes … STRAIGHT INTO A SPINNING HEEL KICK! James Irish pulled that one deep out of his reserves! Hart pops up … big kick to the solar plexus by the challenger! Gutwrench … POWERBOMB! Irish returns the favor and he is ROLLING!
MN: Umm…wasn’t he dead like three seconds ago.
DM: Yeah, but haven’t you EVER watched pro wrestling before?
MN: Have you listened to my commentary? Of course I haven’t!
DT: James going up top, might be time for the Funk #49 … but Hart is standing! James flies anyway … MISSILE DROPKICK!!! He pins…
ONE…
TWO…
Hart kicks out! These two are laying it all on the line, but neither man can put it away!
DM: Dave, this might help.
DT: Irish has Shawn Hart measured for his version of the Osaka Street Cutter! Air Check on the horizon … Hart slips out! Rear waistlock … GERMAN SUPLEX! He bridges for the pin…
ONE…
TWO…
THREEE!!! NO! NOT THIS TIME EITHER! Shawn Hart thought he had the win, and he’s giving Dave Rosenkrantz the business about it this time.
DM: I think this might be a strategy.
MN: Ha! A clever ruse! An evil cunning plan!
DM: Looks like someone’s been reading his Evil Overlord Handbook.
DT: Shawn Hart’s let Frankie Scott take over the argument, and Frankie just handed Hart the TV belt behind the ref’s back! Now Erin and Sarge are berating the ref, and nobody can see Hart wind up with the belt and … MISS!!! James ducked and Shawn’s momentum carries him to the ropes where he hits Frankie Scott!!! One-half of Team Phenom is down! Irish from behind … SCHOOLBOY!!!!
ONE…
TWO…
NO!!! So very close as Scott and Hart’s cheating backfired on them! James now has Hart underhooked, and the crowd knows what’s coming!
MN: I hate this little turd, but this move is pretty cool.
DT: Headbanger’s Ball! James is using his head as a blunt instrument against the skull of the champion, and Hart can’t get out!
DM: There are some who’d argue that James’ head is a blunt instrument all the time.
DT: James stops the headbutts, holds on to the underhook … BUTTERFLY BRAINBUSTER!!! Shawn Hart might’ve been knocked silly by that! Cover him James, and you’re the new champ!
MN: Paging Mr. Objectivity…
DT: James is going to forego the pin, here comes the Fredonia Cloverleaf! He hooks the legs, leans back … Hart’s still got enough presence to get to the ropes and break the hold! Shawn Hart saw the bottom rope and crawled as quickly as he could to grab that cable and force a break.
DM: Anything to survive, Dave.
DT: Hart’s up, but it’s obvious he’s still groggy. James whips him into the corner…here comes the charge…FLYING ELBOW CAN’T CONNECT! James staggers out of the corner, and Hart’s ready for him! Spinning headscissors…straight into that Fujiwara Armbar!!! Hart is cranking on that badly injured right shoulder in the middle of the ring.
DM: I’ve been in this move many, many times, and it’s bad without the bum shoulder. With that injured wing, I just don’t think the Mad Genius can hold out.
MN: Oh, now Mr. Experience knows everything, doesn’t he?
DM: I’m telling you that your guy is going to win, dumbass.
MN: You did? AWESOME!!! I love when Dean flaunts his experience!
DT: James Irish is screaming in pain, but somehow, he is not giving in to it. James Irish knows that he can not, must not tap out if he ever wants to have the TV Title strapped around his waist. James is moving ever so slowly towards the ropes, but Shawn Hart is trying as hard as he can to pop that entire arm right out of the socket.
MN: Tap, you idiot! At least leave here with an arm!
DT: James is fighting this with every ounce of willpower in his body, but this has to be a formality now. Rosenkrantz checks once…
He checks twice…
One more and it’s all over…
NOOOOO!!! James Irish simply will not give in to this pain, and despite a shoulder that’s probably going to require surgery after tonight, he is still fighting for a championship. He’s crawling to the ropes…and he’s making progress!
DM: I don’t believe this. By all accounts, his arm should be somewhere on Peachtree St. by now.
DT: James is getting closer, closer still…
MN: He’ll never make it to the ropes. Fifty bucks on it.
DT: He’s AT THE ROPES!!! Unbelievable!
MN: That wasn’t an official bet! You all saw that, right?
DT: James is crawling to his feet, but Shawn Hart knows there’s more than one way to skin this cat. He wants another Hart Attack … JAMES HOLDS THE ROPES!!! Shawn hits the deck! Now James is fighting with one arm, hard shots to the body of the champion! A kick to the gut … SWINGING DDT!!! Could this be it…
ONE…
TWO…
YESSS!!!! NOOOO!!!!! Shawn Hart shows what he’s got down deep and he kicks out! James still working to win this one, hooks the head for the Air Check … thumb to the eye by Hart! Slips behind … ATOMIC DROP!!!! Old school Phenom at work right now!
MN: Everything he does is Old School. It’s why he’s so awesome.
DT: Hart measuring Irish for the Superkick. James turns … and ducks the kick! He springboards … TWISTING ENZIGUIRI!!! What a move by James Irish! Can he get the title? He heads up top …
FUNK NUMBER FORTY NINE!!!! He hit him with the somersault legdrop! He hooks the leg…
ONE…
TWO…
THREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! James Irish does it!
MN: I don’t [bleep] believe it.
[CUE UP: “I’ll Drink to You” Duke Jupiter. The crowd EXPLODES as Sarge and Erin enter the ring to celebrate with the new champion. Rosenkrantz hands the belt to James as the trio raises their arms in the air, James still favoring the right shoulder.]
DT: Ladies and gentlemen, James Irish withstood what could’ve been a debilitating shoulder injury early in the match to fight back and somehow end the reign of Shawn Hart. To Tony Fatora to introduce our new champion! What a moment here at Russian Roulette for the Mad Genius of Wrestling as he finally unseats Shawn Hart!
TF: The winner of the match by pinfall, and NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWW Empire Pro Wrestling Television Champion … JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMEESSSSSS EEEEYYYYYYYEEEEE-RIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSHHHHH!!!!!!