DT: Well guys, we’ll try and get an update on Foxx but it doesn’t look good quite frankly.
DM: And what was with Karl Brown not even seeming to care? That’s odd from a guy who acted as her mentor lately.
DT: Well, the show must go on – and we’ve got another Triple Threat match coming our way… The winner of this will determine who the NEXT Number One Contender for the EPW World Heavyweight Title will be. Will it be, KIN HIROSHI… ROCKO DAYMON… or JA?
DM: All three men have made it into this match from their impressive performances at Wrestlestock.
MN: What do you mean, Dean? JA LOST his match! Nobody likes a “runner-up”. And I would hardly consider that garbage match with that hobo “impressive” on Hiroshi’s part…
DM: Well, at least neither guy had to beat the hell out of his WIFE to get into this match, like Rocko Daymon!
MN: Ah, he was just puttin’ the ***** in her place. Besides, they have a complex love-hate relationship. You wouldn’t understand, because you’ve had more wives than I’ve been in liquor stores.
DT: Wow… that’s a lot of wives.
DM: The both of you shut the hell up!
DT: Looks like the competitors are ready to make their way to the ring…
[“Wings of a Butterfly” by H.I.M. plays over the PA… and the audience EXPLODES!! Spotlights hit the stage as a brilliantly waving flag of Japan rolls over the Empire-Tron. Moments later, the words “Do YOU know the MUFFIN MAN?!” scroll by.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen… the following event is a triple threat contest set for one fall that will determine the number one contender to the EPW World Heavyweight Title. Introducing first… hailing from Seattle, Washington… he weighs in at 240 pounds…
He is the MUFFIN MAN…
KIIIIIIIIN HIIIIIROOOOOSSSHIIIII!!!
[The Muffin Man, in all of his excellence, HITS THE STAGE and the crowd POPS as if Jesus himself walked out! Pyros EXPLODE down the rampway as he works the crowd over, looking pumped and ready! Proudly, he makes his way to the ring, slapping hands with some of the fans!]
DT: Kin Hiroshi looking ready for a fight tonight! He went through HELL in his match against Stalker… and I have no doubt that he’ll go through WORSE for an opportunity at that title!
DM: This guy’s got everything. Good form… great attitude… the fans love him… he works well with the management… he’s just MADE to be a great professional wrestler.
MN: Yeah, he sucks balls.
DM: …and just what makes you think that, Mike? Share your “expert” opinion, cause as we all know, you’ve spent YEARS in that ring while I’ve done nothing over the course of my entire career.
MN: Hey, Hiroshi’s not bad, but come on… don’t you guys remember Wrestlestock? He could BARELY finish off that hardcore hobo! What makes anybody think he has a chance tonight?
DT: Kin Hiroshi thinks he has a better chance than either of the other men in this match… and he’s here tonight to PROVE that point!
[Hiroshi hops onto the apron and enters the ring… going to the turnbuckle and climbing to the second rope, flashing a BRILLIANT POSE with his arms held out to the sides! Flash photography goes off EVERYWHERE!]
[Moments later, the opening riffs from "Death Is This Communion" by High on Fire thunderously resound over the PA. The audience immediately releases a prominent, though generally mixed, reaction as Caitlyn Daymon appears from the entry-way and stands at the top of the ramp with a mic in hand.]
CDaymon: Ladies and gentlemen… introducing the man you’ve ALL been waiting to see! Hailing from “THE CITY OF DESTINY” Tacoma, Washington and weighing in at 243 pounds of PURE, RELENTLESS flesh and bone…
The Legend…
The Myth…
THE MAN…
RRRROOOOOOOCCCKKOOOOOO DAAAAAYYYYMMOOOOOONNN!!!!
[An explosion PEALS over the stage as Rocko Daymon makes his entrance to a FLOOD of diverse reactions from those who hate him out of spite and those who know a TRUE professional wrestler when they see one! Rocko stares into the sea of fans for several moments with his fist held high in the air, then nods and smiles to his wife before the two make their way toward the ring, walking like professional wrestling royalty.]
DT: And here’s yet another competitor who’s had a dominant run through the roster since his return to Empire Pro a long while back.
MN: I’LL say! You know, I was never sold by this guy, cause… you know, compared to guys like MELTON, he just doesn’t hold a candle. But I’ll tell you, I was TOTALLY bought over by that brawl with his wife! This guy has BALLS! I mean, he’s a MAN! A MANLY man!
DM: I disagree. Sure, he’s got power and tenacity… but his wrestling ability doesn’t compare to others at his level. It doesn’t hold him back, but I don’t much care for it. And he kind of acts full of himself, which I find funny, considering he hasn’t truly stepped up and proven himself to be all he claims to be.
DT: Tonight, he just may prove you wrong, Dean. Rocko Daymon looks pumped and ready to go…
[Leaving Caitlyn at ringside, Daymon climbs to the apron and scales the second rope of the turnbuckle, raising a FIST to the audience and receiving a DEAFENING reaction from supporters and haters alike!]
[When his music fades, “Eat the Rich” by Fozzie comes over the PA, and the fans COME TO THEIR FEET!! A silhouette of a man with his arms held out to the sides appears in the entry-way…]
TF: And the opponent… hailing from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania… he weighs in at 219 pounds…
He is the ANGLO LUCHADOR-R-RE…
JAAAAYYY-AAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!
[An explosion ROCKS the building as the lyrics hits and JA BOUNCES to the stage, pumping up the crowd! Following him out is Lollipop, who follows him as he makes his way down to the ring, slapping hands with the fans and playing it up.]
DT: There he is… the Runner-Up to the King of the Cage tournament!
MN: Runner-up… like that’s anything to be proud of.
DM: I think you’re overlooking the face that while he may not have came out of the tournament the winner, he put up one HELL of a fight… and made it further than either of his two opponents!
DT: We can safely assume he’s going to put just as much of an effort here tonight against these two men… and perhaps a bit MORE!
[JA hops to the apron and ascends to the second rope of the nearest turnbuckle… he points to Daymon, and MOCKS HIS POSE! The crowd POPS!! After lingering for a few moments, he hops into the ring, crosses over to the opposite turnbuckle… points to HIROSHI, and mocks HIS pose as well!]
DM: I guess that’s why they call him the Guru of Gimmick Infringement!
[The music ends, and all three men reenter the ring and go to their respectful corners.]
DT: These three men have come a long way in their careers to make it this far… and TONIGHT, for one of them, it will mark the next step in their path to the top!
[The ref signals to the timekeeper and the bell RINGS!]
DT: The match is underway! JA starts things off by going after Rocko Daymon, and the two lock up! Daymon works JA into a side headlock, but Hiroshi hits him over the BACK with a hammerblow, and JA gains the opportunity to slip out of his grasp and sweep Daymon’s legs out from under him!
DM: JA brings Daymon to his feet and meets him with an ELBOW across the face to leave him stunned… takes him by the arm, and whips him into Hiroshi—who LEVLES him with a Spinning Heel Kick!
DT: Daymon pops to his feet… and gets KNOCKED BACK with a Double Dropkick from both JA and Hiroshi that sends him flipping over the ropes to the outside!
DM: Wasn’t Rocko the one bragging about letting JA and Hiroshi beat the hell out of each other while he sat back and let them have at it?
MN: Looks like it backfired.
DT: Caitlyn Daymon is helping Rocko up on the outside while JA and Kin Hiroshi turn their attention to each other. Both men step in and lock up… and Hiroshi wrestles JA into a wristlock! And JA just flips over and REVERSES the hold, sending Hiroshi onto his back!
DM: JA keeps the wristlock held in place as he proceeds to lay a few boots into Hiroshi’s shoulder… but the Muffin Man boots him back and knocks him away!
DT: Hiroshi quickly pops to his feet as JA steadies himself… JA charges in, but Hiroshi COUNTERS with a Drop Toe Hold! Hiroshi follows up by slapping on a half-nelson as JA comes to his feet… and a LEGTRIP plants JA FACE-FIRST to the mat!
DM: We’re seeing a good deal of technical wrestling in the ring…
DT: Hiroshi back on his feet, turning to Daymon, who is circling the ring, seemingly waiting for the right moment to rejoin the action.
MN: Probably thinking deep, manly things…
DT: Hiroshi’s beckoning him back into the ring… and Daymon slides inside—and quickly slides out again as Hiroshi rushes to him and tries to meet him with a stomp!
DM: Is he just playing keep away, or is he too chicken to man up and face his opponent?
MN: Watch yourself, Dean. Rocko Daymon is a MAN… man-oh-man-oh-man…
DT: JA back on his feet… quickly grabs Hiroshi on the waist while he’s distracted by Rocko! Hiroshi SWINGS AROUND and reverses the hold—and Daymon finds the opportunity to come back into the ring! He’s waiting crouched in the corner…
DM: Hiroshi trying to bring JA down… but JA COUNTERS with a Snapmare! He quickly follows up with a Full-Nelson and brings Hiroshi back to his feet… Hiroshi trying to wrestle his way out of the hold, but JA FLIPS HIM OVER with a released Dragon Suplex!
DT: JA rises… and Rocko Daymon PEALS out of the corner and NAILS A SPEAR that knocks the wind out of the Anglo Luchadore! Daymon quickly mounts up and goes CRAZY with a series of right hands to JA’s face!
MN: You see, Dean? The MAN just needs his perfect moment to strike.
DT: Daymon turns to Hiroshi, as he’s getting to his feet… runs at him, and LEVELS him with a Jumping Knee Strike that the Muffin Man had absolutely no time to prepare for! Now he turns to JA as he gets up near the ropes… rushes him and TOSSES HIM OVER THE TOP with a clothesline!
DM: But JA hangs onto the top rope and doesn’t quite spill over! He pulls himself to the apron, and Rocko goes back to Hiroshi without seeing.
DT: That may cost him when JA full recuperates… Rocko bringing Hiroshi to his feet and locks on the front-facelock. He goes for the DDT—but Hiroshi stays in place, and Rocko falls flat on his back! Hiroshi quickly STOMPS him in the chest, takes him by the leg… and pulls him over with the SINGLE CRAB!!
DM: Daymon’s not anywhere near the ropes! But wait… JA standing up on the apron… SPRINGS OVER THE ROPES and BLASTS Kin Hiroshi with a Missile Dropkick!
MN: I’m thoroughly convinced that JA really isn’t as Anglo as he claims to be…
DM: Why, Mike? Because white men can’t jump?
MN: …hey, Matthews, why don’t you stop ruining my jokes and focus on the friggin’ match?
DM: Your jokes are lame, Neely.
DT: JA turns to Daymon before he can get to his feet… takes him by the arm, and cradles him to the MAT with La Majistrol Cradle! There’s the PIN!! One… NO!! Quickly broken up by Kin Hiroshi.
DM: Hiroshi and JA to their feet… Hiroshi comes at JA with a KNIFE-EDGE CHOP across the chest that nearly puts JA down…
MN: WHO—
DM: SHUT IT, Mike.
MN: …ooooo…
DM: JA steadying himself… comes back at Hiroshi with a KNIFE-EDGE CHOP of his own, knocking the Muffin Man into the ropes!
DT: Hiroshi bounces back and goes for another blow—but DAYMON jumps in the way and blocks it—delivers a KICK to the midsection of JA to knock him away… and DROPS Hiroshi with a falling armbar!
DM: I’m surprised he has ANY wrestling prowess… for a while I thought he was only capable of running around the ring, power move this and power move that.
MN: You just don’t understand, Mike… he’s a MAN. And a MAN has gotta go in there and do just what’s expected of him!
DM: …that makes absolutely no sense.
DT: Daymon meets JA as he comes to his feet… and tosses him OVER with a Hiptoss that bounces the Anglo Luchadore across the ring! Hiroshi on his knees, but Rocko puts him to the mat with a KNEE to the face! And he drops ANOTHER knee across the face for added effect!
DM: Right. If you can’t wrestle an opponent, just break his face open.
DT: Daymon bringing Hiroshi to his feet again… takes him by the head, swings him around, and drives him STRAIGHT INTO THE STEEL CORNER POST through the second and third turnbuckles! Daymon turns around… and JA meets him with a kick to the mid-section—
MN: CAUGHT by the MAN!!
DM: Stop calling him the “MAN”, Mike.
DT: And JA goes for the ENZIGURI—DUCKED by Daymon—and JA just bounces right back off the mat and CLIPS DAYMON with the heel of the same leg!
DM: Great recovery from the Anglo Luchadore.
DT: JA goes to the groggy Hiroshi the corner… and there’s ROLLS HIM UP from behind! Bridges the pin attempt! ONE… TWO… NO!! Hiroshi forces himself out.
DM: Hiroshi bolts to his feet and comes at JA—but JA drops back and FLIPS HIM to his back with the Monkey Flip! Hiroshi bouncing up again… and JA puts him down with the Japanese Arm Drag!
MN: AHA!! He’s gotta be Japanese.
DM: It’s just the name for the move, Mike. It has nothing to do with his nationality.
MN: So you think. Who knows what he really is underneath that mask?
DT: JA’s in full control, and with Hiroshi laid out on the mat, he goes to the corner and bolsters himself to the second rope… jumps off with the GUILLOTINE LEGDROP—and Hiroshi ROLLS out of the way at the last second! JA made a painful and awkward landing on his leg…
DM: Wait a second… am I seeing blood on the mat?
DT: It would appear that way, Dean. It looks like… yes, ROCKO DAYMON has been cut open right above the browline!
DM: Must’ve taken the wrong part of JA’s heel from that last move…
MN: Only real MEN bleed in the ring! It’s about GLORY and HONOR!
DM: …no, he’s losing blood, and the more blood he loses, the weaker he’ll be.
MN: You’d never understand how a MAN thinks, Dean.
DM: Right, whatever…
DT: Daymon getting himself to his feet, and seeing that he’s bleeding… but that doesn’t stop him as he goes to Hiroshi—and Hiroshi meets him with a shot to the gut before Daymon can get him up! Hiroshi with ANOTHER shot to the mid-section… and he bounces off the ropes! Daymon with a CLOTHESLINE—
DM: That went NOWHERE!! Hiroshi ducks and hits the other set of ropes… Rocko turns around, and Hiroshi DRILLS him with a Jumping Tornado DDT!!
DT: Hiroshi pops to his feet, and he’s got this crowd going INSANE!! Hiroshi with a REBEL YELL, and he’s white hot!
DM: Hiroshi meets JA with a boot to the gut… front-face lock, and hooks the leg… lifts him UP, and PLANTS HIM with a Fisherman Buster!
DT: He rolls over for the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
NO! JA manages to kick out.
MN: It’s a regular Japanese Civil War in that ring!
DM: Damnit, Mike, for the last time, JA isn’t Japanese!
MN: …Canadian, at least?
DM: PHILEDELPHIAN!!
DT: Hiroshi back on his feet, bringing JA up with him… and he notices Daymon making it to his feet in the corner, and DUMPS JA over the ropes to the outside!
DM: Separate your opponents and work them over one at a time… that’s the secret to success in a Triple Threat match, where you normally have to keep one eye glancing over your shoulder.
DT: Hiroshi meets Daymon with an ELBOW to his bleeding face… takes him by the arm, and goes for the Irish whip—but Daymon puts on the breaks, and yanks Hiroshi into a BOOT to the gut! Daymon reaches over and hooks him around the waist… lifts him UP, and FLATTENS HIM with a Gutwrench Suplex!
MN: Looks like Rocko’s at 0.3 on the Muta Scale.
DM: …the WHAT Scale?
MN: You know, the Muta Scale. Named after the Great Muta after his long, bloody duel with Hiroshi Hase?
DM: …what?
MN: Oh yeah, I forgot… if it doesn’t include an armbar and a submission for you to beat off to, you usually miss out on it.
DM: WHAT THE—I don’t… DAVE!!
DT: Sounds like you just got PWNED, Dean.
MN: By ME of all people!
DT: Back to the match, guys… JA being helped to his feet by Lolli while Rocko brings Hiroshi back to his feet… Daymon reaches around his face from the side… DROPS HIM with a Russian Legsweep! And he keeps the hold in place as he lifts him up again…
MN: …and A SECOND Russian Legsweep from the man!
DT: Rocko Daymon bringing up Hiroshi for the third, and—he gives the CROWD a piece of his mind!
[The audience JEERS as Daymon flips them off.]
DT: And DOWN Kin Hiroshi goes from a THIRD and final Russian Legsweep! Daymon floats over and makes the cover!
ONE!!
TWO!!
NO!! Kin Hiroshi manages to kick out!
DM: It ain’t over yet! These three men have come to far to go down this soon…
DT: Rocko Daymon brings Kin Hiroshi to his feet… and outside the ring, JA boost himself up the apron, and onto the top rope!
MN: What’s HE got planned now?!
DT: JA perched and waiting behind Daymon’s back, and Daymon lifts Hiroshi UP with a Vertical Suplex—and JA comes SAILING OFF THE TOP ROPE with a MISSILE DROPKICK to the back of Daymon’s KNEE, causing him to drop Hiroshi—and the MUFFIN MAN follows through with a SNAP SUPLEX!!
DM: Rocko rolls to his feet and comes up looking disoriented… and JA catches him from behind, reaches around and hooks both arms… and NAILS HIM with the LUCKY SEVEN SUPLEX!!
DT: He quickly goes for the cover…
ONE!!
TWO!!!
NO!! Kin Hiroshi makes the save.
MN: Looks like the MAN has worked his way up to a 0.5 on the Muta Scale. That’s not bad for a match to determine the Number One Contender, in my honest—if not far more superior to your own—opinion.
DT: I think any of these men would shed ANY amount of blood for a shot at the World Title! And all three are going through a great deal of pain and exhaustion to get there!
DM: It’s Kin Hiroshi’s turn to be in control as he brings JA to his feet… there’s the whip to his ropes… Hiroshi jumps UP and FLIPS JA OVER with the Hurricanrana!
DT: He hooks the legs for a cover!
ONE!!
TWO!!
NO!! JA forces himself out of the pin!
DM: JA quickly rolling to his feet… but Kin Hiroshi meets him with a KICK to the head to keep him reeling! Hiroshi catches JA around the waist… and FLIPS OVER ONTO HIS BACK with a BEAUTIFUL Belly-to-Belly Suplex!
DT: Hiroshi up and turns around… and Rocko Daymon BLINDSIDES HIM with a Clothesline out of nowhere, and both men go TUMBLING to the outside of the ring!
MN: Out of the ropes and into the rugged environment! This is where the MAN does his best work!
DM: Mike, I swear to God… stop calling him the man!
MN: …can I at least call JA Canadese?
DM: NO!!
DT: Rocko Daymon brings Kin Hiroshi to his feet… and RAMS him face first into the apron! Daymon quickly hooks him around the back… and puts him INTO THE AIR with a released German Suplex, and Hiroshi lands BACK-FIRST over the steel guard rail! SWEET LORD, it nearly looked like that broke him in half!
DM: JA’s beginning to make his way to his feet in the ring… but back on the outside, Rocko drags Hiroshi off the guard rail and back to his feet… takes him by the back of the head… and JESUS CHRIST, he just TOSSES HIM HEAD FIRST into the STEEL STEPS!!
DT: Daymon can be absolutely BRUTAL and unrelenting if given the opportunity! This match is beginning to wear on, and now he’s putting the smaller opponents to the test with an absolutely VICIOUS arsenal of moves!
MN: He eats his burgers RED and BLOODY, and downs Jack like it was water! He is a MAAANNN!!!
DM: Seriously, Mike… that’s getting on my nerves.
DT: Daymon turns back to the ring—but JA OUT OF NOWHERE, FLIPS over the top rope with a ROPE-FLIP PLANCHA!!
DM: Rocko didn’t see THAT coming at all! He got laid OUT!
DT: JA’s notable Lucha Libre roots coming into effect… he rises to the apron and waits for Rocko to rise… FLIPS OFF OF THE ROPES with a GRACEFUL Asai Moonsault that PASTES Rocko Daymon to the concrete floor!
DM: Talk about death from above!
DT: JA takes Rocko by the head and pulls him to his feet… and just DRAGS his busted open face across the RING APRON!!
MN: He’s making quite a mess! Doesn’t he consider the fact that the RING CREW has to clean this ring up?
DM: To be fair, ROCKO’S the one bleeding all over the place…
DT: JA takes Rocko by the arm, and OOH! He just whipped him into our commentary table!
MN: GOOD! Now we can get some up close and personal action!
DM: Jesus, Rocko’s bleeding all over my notes! GET OUT OF HERE, you hack!
DT: JA takes Rocko by the back of the head… LEAPS onto this commentary table, and—OH MY GOD!! He just DROVE Daymon face-first onto the concrete floor with an open-faced bulldog from an elevated height!
MN: Rocko’s slowly inching his way up the Muta Scale. I’d say he’s at 0.7.
DT: JA, now… what’s he doing? Reaching under the ring, and… he pulls out a TABLE!!
MN: UH-OH!!
DT: JA sets the table up RIGHT HERE in front of our own table… and now he lifts Daymon off the ground and lays him over it! What does he have planned now?!
DM: Something BIG!
MN: Can’t that moron at least move the table AWAY from us?!
DM: Could be worse, Mike! He could be using OUR table, but I guess he figures the whole dropping-an-opponent-through-the-commentary-table bit has been overdone.
MN: Yeah, we got the rest of the night to see that happen anyway… the Spanish Announcers have at least three back-up tables in the back, cause it ALWAYS happens to them.
DT: JA slides back into the ring… and now he’s ASCENDING the corner nearest the prone body of Rocko Daymon!
DM: He’s got his back turned to him… could be going for a MOONSAULT—
DT: OH GOD NO!! KIN HIROSHI… out of NOWHERE, jumps onto the apron and yanks down on the top rope, and JA was just RACKED on that top turnbuckle!
MN: NOW he’s Canadian. Cause it’s a well known fact that Canucks can’t reproduce…
DM: …shut the hell up, Mike. My God, you’re a ****ing idiot.
DT: Hiroshi enters the ring… and now he’s going up with JA! Hiroshi and JA on the top rope, what’s he got PLANNED?!
DM: He’s jumping on the opportunity, that’s for sure!
DT: Hiroshi puts JA in a front facelock… LIFTS HIM UP, and GOES TO THE OUTSIDE with a FRONT-FACE SUPLEX onto the TABLE—and ROCKO DAYMON ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY!!
[*CRACK!!*]
DT: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT CARNAGE!! Kin Hiroshi just SMASHED JA with that top rope face-first suplex through a TABLE on the outside!
DM: Rocko Daymon slipped out of the way just in time! He REALLY dodged a bullet there!
MN: It’s that MAN-sense that saved him.
DM: Yeah, right…
[The audience begins chanting “HOLY ****!! HOLY ****!!” After a few repetitions, they switch to “EE-PEE-DUB!! EE-PEE-DUB!!”]
DT: This audience is going WILD!! Hiroshi and JA are laid out in front of our commentary booth… and they are NOT MOVING, folks! Rocko Daymon is back on his feet, and leaning against the apron, breathing heavily! His face is an absolute CRIMSON MASK and… my God, he’s SMILING! He’s SMILING at the carnage he sees before him!
MN: Yeah, I also find it funny to see his opponents beating the hell out of each other. Makes his job THAT much easier!
DT: Wait… Daymon’s calling over his wife! Caitlyn Daymon coming around the ring, and Rocko looks like he’s telling her to whip something out…
MN: OH PLEASE—
DM: Relax, Mike. She’s not whipping THOSE out.
MN: Damn…
DT: Caitlyn pulls out… her CAMERA PHONE! Rocko steps in front of the laid out bodies of JA and Kin Hiroshi, and flashes a BLOODY GRIN and a THUMBS UP as Caitlyn takes a snapshot of the carnage!
MN: Seriously, that’d look great on his myspace!
DM: He’s just playing around now… I don’t understand how he can be having such a good time given the seriousness of this match, and seeing how much BLOOD he’s lost thus far!
DT: Rocko coming over to the commentary table… he wipes away a veil of blood from his forehead, and—OH MY GOD, he just PIE-FACED DEAN MATTHEWS with a handful of his own BLOOD!!
[The crowd MARKS OUT!!]
MN: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
OH MY GOD, that was the most HILARIOUS thing I’ve ever seen!!
DM: BLECH!! ARGH!! THAT SON OF A *****!!
MN: Dood, you got OWNED right there!
DM: I’m gonna kill him!
DT: Settle down, Dean! We’ve got a match to call!
DM: Bah… come here, Thomas!
DT: Hey, wait—
[The crowd LAUGHS WILDLY as Dean Matthews takes Dave’s shirt by the collar and uses it to wipe his face clean!]
DM: There, that’s better…
DT: …ugh… you know, Dean, I have TOWEL down here.
DM: Oh well.
DT: Let’s just… get back to the match. Daymon’s finally done making a show of himself, and now he brings Kin Hiroshi—making it to his knees—on his feet, and rolls him into the ring!
DM: Hiroshi quickly back on his feet… that BASTARD Rocko climbs to the apron, and Hiroshi meets him with an ELBOW to the face! Hiroshi marches him down the apron… and DRIVES HIM FACE FIRST into the steel pole! Take THAT, you chump!
DT: Hiroshi looks hurt, but he’s making the comeback! He brings JA off the mat and WHIPS him to the corner… Hiroshi backs up for distance… and CHARGES IN, NAILING JA with a jumping KNEE across the mid-section! JA collapses on the spot…
MN: Oh, he’s gonna have the runs for a WEEK after that one!
DT: Rocko Daymon groggily drags himself back into the ring… and Hiroshi QUICKLY meets him with a stomp to the head! Hiroshi brings him to his feet… crosses over the face and hooks the leg… and swings Rocko FLAT ON HIS BACK with a Trap Suplex! He quickly goes for the cover…
ONE!!
TWO!!
OH NO!! JA with a save, running in and stomping Hiroshi over the back!
DM: Back to these two… JA brings Hiroshi to his feet… but Hiroshi SHOVES HIM BACK, and meets him with a WHEEL KICK to the face that sends him sprawling to the mat!
DT: Daymon back on his feet… advances on Kin Hiroshi, and the Muffin Man SPINS AROUND with a roundhouse kick that puts Daymon in a SPIRALLING collapse to the mat! Hiroshi gets him up… and quickly tosses him into the ropes!
DM: And JA’s back on his feet! He takes Hiroshi by the arm… but Rocko’s on his way back!!
MN: OOH!!
DT: AND ALL THREE MEN are LAY EACH OTHER OUT with clothesline from all around! All men on their backs… and nobody’s moving…
DM: Man… these guys are beating the HELL out of each other!
DT: When a shot for the prestigious EPW World Heavyweight Title is on the line, these men are willing to go to ANY lengths to achieve victory! They’ve beaten themselves to the point of exhaustion! Now it’s the man who has it left in him that will determine who wins this match!
MN: Rocko Daymon is the MA—
DM: *******IT, MIKE, SHUT UP!!
DT: Wait a minute… it looks like… yes… ROCKO DAYMON is beginning to stir… and he rolls over onto his side! JA also beginning to show signs of life…
DM: The audience is beginning to get behind them… and now even Kin Hiroshi beginning to work his way to his feet!
DT: Rocko’s using the ropes to pull himself up… and now he slowly moves over to JA to bring him to his feet, and—JA BLINDSIDES HIM WITH THE BALLTAP!!
DM: OOH!! No way he could see that coming!
DT: JA BOUNCES to his feet… and just LEVELS Rocko Daymon with a Side Russian Legsweep!
DM: And now Hiroshi’s up and joining the action!
DT: JA turns around… and Hiroshi with a SPINNING HEEL KICK—and JA DUCKED it!! JA flips Hiroshi around… SCOOPS HIM UP… and OH MY GOD, just DRILLS HIM with a Tombstone PILEDRIVER!!
DM: SWEET LORD, it looked like he nearly snapped his neck with that!
DT: Hiroshi is OUT… and JA goes to the corner! He’s climbing to the top rope!
MN: Is that a good idea? Seems most of his high-risk attempts have backfired in his face…
DT: Rocko back on his feet… and he comes to JA on the corner before he can leap off onto Hiroshi! Daymon NAILS him with a forearm to the face… and now he’s going up top as well!
DM: Here we go AGAIN!! Rocko tucks JA’s head under his arm… takes him by the waist… and we could be seeing a SUPERPLEX attempt coming up!
DT: Rocko Daymon trying to bring JA over with the Superplex… but JA keeps his legs hooked into the top rope! Daymon can’t get him over!
DM: He better think of something soon!
DT: Daymon going for a PUNCH to the side to keep JA weak… but JA SUPLEXES HIM TO THE OUTSIDE!!
MN: OH MAN!! That was a sick bump!!
DT: Rocko Daymon landed BACK FIRST on the steel steps, and he looks to be in bad shape! And now JA is setting himself on the top rope, honing for the prone body of Kin Hiroshi!
DM: High risk move coming up!
DT: JA FROM THE TOP ROPE… NAILS the Frogsplash across the chest of the Muffin Man!
MN: Gonna have to call himself the PANCAKE Man from now on!
DM: Rocko better get back in the ring, or this match will be over soon!
DT: JA has Hiroshi right where he wants him… he takes him by the legs… and LIFTS HIM OVER with the WALLS OF JERICOHOLIC!!!
[The crowd EXPLODES!!]
DM: My God, looks at how TWISTED the Muffin Man’s spine looks as JA sinks that hold!
DT: Kin Hiroshi is NOWHERE NEAR THE ROPES!! He’s simply HOWLING IN PAIN and trying to resist the urge to tap!
DM: If he doesn’t, he just may suffer a career-ending injury!
DT: Just HOW FAR will Kin Hiroshi go!?
MN: There’s no way he can hold out! Look at the PAIN in his face! He’s CRACKING!!
DT: Kin Hiroshi’s trying to fight… trying to squirm… trying to CRAWL…
…but JA keeps him LOCKED IN PLACE!!
DM: There’s no escape!
DT: Hiroshi looks like he’s about to POP!!
He raises his arm…
MN: Is he going for it?
DM: I can’t tell!
DT: HIROSHI… on the VERGE of TAPPING…
OH NO, DAYMON REACHES INTO THE RING and YANKS HIROSHI out of the hold before he can tap!!
DM: ALMOST!! There was no way Hiroshi could hang in there any longer, but Rocko made the save at the last possible second!
MN: That’s why he’s the MAN!
DM: Damnit, Mike, if you say “MAN” again, I’m gonna slap you in an STF and pop your NECK right off your shoulders!
MN: Hey, whatever you say, ma—uh… dude.
DT: Daymon rolls back into the ring, but JA, obviously FRUSTRATED to see the victory slip out of his fingers, lays into him with a series of STOMPS… but Daymon makes his way to his feet! JA going for a chop across the chest… and Daymon SHRUGS it off!! Daymon comes back with a right… and a second… and finishes with a HUGE DISCUS PUNCH that puts JA to the mat!
MN: He’s upgraded to SUPERMAN!!
DM: That’s IT!!
MN: HOLY ****!!
[A tumult is heard as Dean tries to reach across Dave Thomas and strangle the life out of Mike.]
DT: Would you two SIT DOWN! We’ve got a match to call!
DM: When this is over, Neely, I’m kicking your ass!
MN: What the hell ever happened to freedom of speech?
DT: You two are being childish! Mike, stop calling Daymon the MAN, and Dean… it’s MIKE! Just do like I do and put up with it…
DM: Meh…
DT: Hiroshi has finally made it back to his feet with a little help from the ropes… but folks, he looks HURT after that submission attempt for JA! He turns around… and Rocko Daymon meets him with a BOOT to the gut—and he follows through by hooking the arms and DRILLING HIM HEAD-FIRST with a DOUBLE-ARM DDT!!
DM: And the Muffin Man is dreaming of being back on Drury Lane!
DT: Daymon is bleeding profusely and breathing heavily… but he ignores the cover attempt on Hiroshi, going for JA, who is in a futile struggle with the ropes to get to his feet! Rocko Daymon pulls him up the rest of the way… takes him by the arm, and WHIPS him to the turnbuckle! Daymon runs after him… and SQUASHES HIM with the BACK-FIRST SPLASH!!
MN: You know what’s next!
DT: We certainly do! Daymon pulls JA out of the corner and sets him up in the standing head-scissor leglock… HOOKS BOTH ARMS… but JA SANDBAGS himself! He’s REFUSING to be put down!
DM: Rocko and JA struggling in the far corner… while Hiroshi finally blinks away and rolls over onto his side!
DT: JA breaks his arms free and tries to flip Daymon over… but Daymon delivers a HARD KNEE to the shoulder—hooks the arms—and PLANTS HIM FACE FIRST INTO THE MAT with the BRAIN ROCKER!!
[The audience POPS!!]
DT: THIS ONE IS OVER!! Rocko with COVER!
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
THREE—OH NO, HIROSHI WITH THE SAVE!! Hiroshi DIVES IN with the hammerblow across Rocko’s back at the last possible second!
MN: My God, I thought he was DEAD!!
DM: An AMAZING recover from Kin Hiroshi! He was down and out, but he saw the match in jeopardy, and forced himself to his feet to make the save!
DT: Daymon SLAPS the mat in frustration… and he rises with Hiroshi, and the two start going TOE TO TOE!!
MN: Rocko’s taking hits, and it looks like he’s been busted open to a 0.8 on the Muta Scale! OOH!! A left elbow from Rocko busts Hiroshi’s lip, and he’s at 0.2!!
DT: Daymon gaining the upper hand… but Hiroshi suddenly COUNTERS a right-hand hook and FLIPS Daymon over with a ROUNDHOUSE KICK out of nowhere!
DM: Rocko’s in LA-LA land… he gets up and stumbles around the ring… Hiroshi grabs him from behind and tucks his head under his arm… and just DRILLS HIM with an Inverted Reverse DDT!! Rocko Daymon is OUT!!
DT: Hiroshi up and turns around… and JA out of NOWHERE with a Spinning Heel Kick—and Hiroshi DUCKS IT!! Kin Hiroshi grabs him from behind… and sets him onto his shoulders with the TORTURE RACK!!
[The crowd EXPLODES with CHEERS!!]
DT: AND KIN HIROSHI with ACHE-ELL-BEE ON JA!! What an OBLITERATING Japanese Burning Hammer! He makes the cover…
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
THREE—OH, WAIT A SECOND!! Caitlyn Daymon, on the outside of the ring, just alerted the referee to JA’s FOOT being on the bottom rope! The ref almost didn’t see that!
DM: You gotta be KIDDING me!! I bet she put his foot up there!
MN: Now you’re just seeing things, Dean.
DT: I couldn’t tell from this angle… but obviously, the victory for her husband Rocko would have been lost had Kin Hiroshi secured that pinfall.
DM: Hiroshi is LUCID!! He’s back on his feet… brings the limp body of JA up and onto his shoulders… and tosses him OVER THE ROPES AND ON TOP OF CAITLYN DAYMON!!
DT: And now LOLLIPOP is coming around the ring to where JA and Caitlyn Daymon have been laid out… she pulls JA off… and proceeds to KICK CAITLYN while she’s down!
DM: And now Caitlyn’s getting up… and she starts SWINGING BACK!!
MN: IT’S A CAT FIGHT!! Thank GOD!! Maybe we’ll get to see some TITTAYS!!
DM: Maybe after you’ve finally SEEN A PAIR, you’ll shut up about ‘em!
DT: The referee in the ring seems to have taken notice… but Kin Hiroshi has other concerns, as he goes to the corner and begins to climb! Rocko Daymon is groggily making his way back to his feet…
DM: The Muffin Man has him in his sights!
DT: Daymon up, and he turns around… and Hiroshi LEAPS OFF THE TOP—and NAILS HIM with a Cross-Body Block!
DM: Looks like that move took a lot out of himself, but Daymon’s been knocked into next TUESDAY!
DT: Back on the outside, JA is STILL out of it… Caitlyn Daymon is gaining the upper hand in the brawl outside the ring as she takes two handfuls of Lollipop’s HAIR and drives her FACE FIRST into the concrete floor! And now the REFEREE is going to the outside to split it up! Here comes security to the ring to separate these two brawling women!
MN: But they were just getting STARTED!
DT: Back in the ring… Hiroshi has Daymon in the palm of his hand! He lifts him off the mat, and sets him into the standing leg-scissor headlock… and grabs him around the waist!!
[The CROWD ORGASMS!~!!]
DT: ENN-EFF-EMM!!
DM: My God, what a BEAUTIFUL Flip-Over Piledriver!! Rocko just went on the ride of his life!
DT: Hiroshi hooks both legs for the cover… but there’s no REF to make the three count!
DM: Hiroshi waits…
…and waits…
…and WAITS…
But the ref is halfway up the ramp, trying to split up the brawling babes with a handful of other ring officials!
MN: And they’re having a HELL of a time! Those two *****es are going INSANE!!
DT: Hiroshi has finally had enough, and he goes to the ropes, calling for the ref! But he can’t hear
[The crowd BOOS LOUDLY!]
DM: The crowd doesn’t like this one bit… but they’re not helping matters, as the ref can’t hear Hiroshi calling for him!
DT: But the Muffin Man can’t wait around all day! JA on the outside of the ring, is finally showing signs of life… and Rocko Daymon in the center of the ring is beginning to stir!
DM: Hiroshi brings Rocko to his feet… he’s going for a second N.F.M.!!!
DT: But Rocko, suddenly SPRINGING to life, yanks his legs out from under him and puts him on his back… and Daymon SLAPS ON THE TEXAS CLOVERLEAF!!
[The audience POPS!! Others suddenly BOO at this unexpected TURNAROUND!!]
MN: A TACOMA Cloverleaf!!
DM: My God, he knows a SUBMISSION HOLD?!
DT: Daymon has Hiroshi in the VERY CENTER OF THE RING, held in place and twisting his spine to an UNGODLY angle! Hiroshi’s already suffered enough from JA’s earlier Walls of Jericoholic!
DM: How much more can the Muffin Man TAKE? This match is already supposed to be OVER!!
DT: Hiroshi is SNAPPING…
AND HE’S SLAPPING THE MAT!!
HIROSHI IS TAPPING!!
DM: But STILL, there’s NO REF to be found!
DT: Daymon could have this match finished right now, but the referee is still on the rampway, amid a full-scale BRAWL between Caitlyn Daymon, Lollipop, and the arena security! Can we get some ORDER up there already?!
MN: WAIT A MINUTE… some BUM just hopped the barricade!
DT: That’s no bum…
THAT’S STALKER!!
DM: And he’s got a CHAIR with him!
DT: He must have slipped by security while they were dealing with the ladies! Stalker slides into the ring where Daymon can’t see him…
[*CRACK!!*]
MN: OOOOH!!
DT: OH MY GOD!! What a CHAIRSHOT across the back of Rocko Daymon’s HEAD!! Daymon goes SPRAWLING to the mat!
DM: What the HELL is this?! As if having a ref isn’t bad enough, now we need this HOBO ruining things?!
[*CRACK!! CRACK!! CRACK!!*]
DT: MY LORD!! Stalker with a SERIES of RELENTLESS CHAIR SHOTS to the injured spine of KIN HIROSHI!!!
DM: DAMNIT, hasn’t he man suffered ENOUGH?!
DT: Stalker sets the chair on the mat… now he’s bringing Rocko to his feet again…
EVENFLOW DDT ON THE CHAIR!!
MN: JESUS CHRIST!! Rocko’s at ONE-POINT-OH!! He’s gone FULL MUTA!!!
DM: And he’s subsequently been laid out cold!
DT: Stalker takes the chair, slides out of the ring and hops the barricade as disappears as quickly as he appeared… and now we’re left with two bleeding, unconscious individuals in the ring!
DM: JA is FINALLY back onto his feet… and he weakly rolls into the ring!
DT: Wait a second, it looks like Caitlyn and Lollipop have finally been carried off backstage… and the referee is returning to the ring!
DM: It’s about freaking TIME! But it’s too late… the damage has been done.
DT: JA back on his feet as the referee crawls inside… I don’t think EITHER of them have an idea of just what happened!
DM: JA brings the prone body of Rocko off the mat… HOOKS HIM around the waist…
DT: KARELIN DRIVER FROM JA!! MY GOD, as if having his head driven into that steel chair weren’t enough!
DM: There’s no WAY he’s getting up from that one!
DT: JA, using every last ounce of his strength, drapes an arm over Daymon’s chest…
ONE!!!
TWO!!!
THREEEEE!!! IT’S OVER!!
[The bell rings. Many fans CHEER, but others boo in light of the shady finish.]
TF: The winner of this match, and the NEW Number One Contender for the Empire Pro World Heavyweight Title… JAAAAAYY-AAAAYYYYYY!!!
DM: Well, Stalker promised he’d give JA a free win here at Russian Roulette… and I’d say he fulfilled his guarantee!
DT: What an INCREDIBLE match from these three competitors… but you have to wonder, could this match have gone on longer if Stalker hadn’t interfered?
DM: Or if the ladies weren’t quarreling at ringside?
MN: Or if Dean had half a brain?
[The referee helps JA to his feet and raises his arm in victory. JA looks exhausted, but scales the second rope, holding his arms up in triumph, and earns a POP from many fans, though the reaction is still somewhat mixed. EMTs hurry down the rampway and enter the ring, helping Kin Hiroshi come to his feet and checking on the unmoving Rocko Daymon.]
DT: Regardless of what has just unfolded here tonight, JA is the NUMBER ONE CONTENDER, and has rightfully earned his shot at the champion! Whether that individual is the current champ, Joey Melton, the former champ, Lindsay Troy, or the challenger, Sean Stevens… we’ll find out later tonight.
DM: Looks like there’s trouble in the ring!
MN: Wow, Kin Hiroshi is PISSED!!
DT: Hiroshi trying to STRANGLE the referee, and it’s taking all the power of FIVE ring officials to keep him restrained! Meanwhile, EMTs have Rocko Daymon out of the ring and are checking the wound on his face…
DM: He’ll probably need a few pints considering how much he’s bled all over the ring…
DT: And Daymon is… trying to go over the BARRICADE! Stalker is long gone, but Rocko Daymon looks like he’ll stop at NOTHING to get his hands on that man!
MN: Well, he didn’t get far… he hardly has the strength to WALK, much less hop a steel barricade!
DT: Apparently Rocko has thought better of that idea, so he’s not finally getting help back up the ramp…and here’s Caitlyn back trying to help him and he shakes off the official to accept her help.
DM: Okay, this Stalker guy… I can understand attacking Hiroshi because he’s too damn cheap and self-centered to take his defeat and stride and walk away… but why Rocko?
DT: There seems to be some history between the two of them, but… I have no idea what it is. Kin Hiroshi, meanwhile, is being DRAGGED back to the backstage area around the side of the ramp! JA also being led away from the ring on the other side of the ramp down by the sound equipment… I tell you, you could cut the tension in this arena with a KNIFE right now! NOTHING has been settled between these three men, and I have a feeling that is only a sign of things to come…
DM: Maybe. But for tonight, the glory goes to JA! It might have been an opportunistic finish, but he hung in there every step of the way and picked up the win. That’s why HE moves on to the World Title… and Hiroshi and Daymon? Well, they’ve got a loose end to deal with.
DT: We’ve got more action to come!
[The Empire-Tron flickers to life]
DM: Actually I don’t think we’re done here….!!
DT: What now??
[The scene opens up backstage, inside the dressing room of Sean "Triple X" Stevens -- in the middle of a set of pushups, to blow off some steam. Intrepid reporter slash loyal company man Mojo Massey stands nearby.]
MOJO!!: I’m here trying to get a work with Sean Stevens who has the match of his life coming up later tonight. Sean, can you give us some insight into your preparation?
STEVENS[to himself]: Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty....
MOJO!!: Sean?
[He hops to his feet, takes a sip from a nearby water bottle, and begins to pace restlessly, as the time slowly goes by. After a couple of seconds, or so…..completely ignoring Mojo…]
MOJO!!: SEAN!!
[.. he could no longer take it and exits his dressing room entering the hallowed halls of the arena. Once outside, he hears loud music blaring, which signaled either a match was starting or ending, an answer that he didn't know – lost in his thoughts as he was. Walking a couple of feet further, he finds himself at the Gorilla Position, as the curtain shakes, then opens, and Caitlyn Daymon walks through and they make eye contact--
She pauses, a flash in her eyes – as she realizes she needs to intervene. But her attention to her husband’s injured state would cost her….
--and, at this particular moment, she was too slow. The moment Trip sees Rocko Daymon step through the curtain on her arm, he charges him, full speed, spearing him into the brick wall of the arena's hall. Rocko, obviously tired, falls defeated to the floor.]
STEVENS: I got your *****, RoboCop.
[Stevens stomps away profusely at the fallen superstar. Kicking him in the face, and head causing his nose and mouth to bleed. Somehow during this time the Stalker comes from the hallway as well, having left through the crowd and come around to meet up with his old ‘friend’ again, caught Stevens’ glance and simply drops his chair where he stands - then drifts back into the shadows of the arena, smiling as he passes the carnage. But Triple X couldn’t care less. The only thing he was concerned about was the steel chair that he had left behind.]
STEVENS: Question, Einstein... You ever heard of a conchairto?
VOICE: STOP!!!!
[The voice startles Sean as he turns to face Caitlyn Daymon, who had returned to her husband's aid.]
STEVENS: You know what, Rocko? I'll do you one better. I'm not going to knock you out, because I want you to see this...
[Sean grabs Caitlyn by the throat, pushing her up against the wall, and proceeds to make out with her -- fully resisting, of course -- before breaking the "passionate" kiss, as Caitlyn slaps Stevens in the face. Sean touches his face, then smirks, picking up the chair once more, and slamming it against Rocko Daymon's head, which was perched up against the wall. Rocko slumps over, as Sean throws the chair down at his side, and Caitlyn moves in to help her fallen husband.]
STEVENS: I'm going to say this to you one more time, Daymon. Keep my name out of your mouth....
[Sean walks away from the carnage, the scene shifting to show Mojo Massey standing nearby – jaw dropped.]
STEVENS: Hey there Mojo. When did you get here?
[Mojo just stares as Stevens playfully ruffles his hair and walks off.]