MN: God, you’re so lame.

DT: Let’s send it over to Tony Fatora for our introductions. Tony?

TF: The following contest is an ELIMINATION match which will crown the NEEEEEWW Empire Pro Wrestling Tag Team Champions OF the World!!!!

[Cue Up: “Otherworld” as Max, Jecht, and Leonard Johnson make their way to the ring.]

TF: Hailing from Los Angeles, California and Freiburg, Germany...JECHT...MAX...THIS...ISSSSSSS...BLIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTZZZZZ!!!!!!!

[Cue Up: “Headstrong” by Trapt as Cameron Cruise, accompanied by Mercedes Devon, walks halfway down the ramp and waits.]

TF: Weighing in at 249 pounds, a native of Jacksonville, North Carolina...CAMEROOOOOOOOOON CRUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIISSSSSEEEE!!!!!!

[“Headstrong” fades out, only to be replaced by “All the Things She Said” by Tatu, as the crowd goes completely bonkers. Joey Melton emerges from the entranceway and strolls confidently towards Cruise. They meet and head to the ring together.]

TF: His tag team partner is one of the true legends of professional wrestling. Hailing from New York City, New York and weighing in at 210 pounds...JOOOOOEEEEEEEEYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEELLLLTTTTTTOOOONNNN!!!!!!!

[The arena darkens slightly as the opening strains of “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails begin to play and the hunched figure of Golem walks out onto the ramp, followed by the larger X-Ecutioner.]

TF: Their opponents, at a combined weight of five hundred twenty three pounds...GOLEM and X-ECUUUUUUUUTTTTIOOOONNNNNEEERRRRR!!!!!

DT: The three teams meet in the center of the ring with senior referee Pat Jones, who explains to them the rules of this match.

MN: What’s so hard, be the last team not to get pinned, you win!

DT: It looks like we’ll see Jecht, X-Ecutioner, and Joey Melton start things off in this encounter, and HERE WE GO!!!

[SFX: Bell rings]

DT: Jecht darts right at X-Ecutioner, and Joey Melton just stays out of the way! Melton leaning against the turnbuckles as Jecht and X trade heavy blows with fists and feet! Big right hook by Jecht...NOBODY HOME!!! X has him up, side suplex sends Jecht crashing down hard!!!

[As Jecht begins to rise, X clubs him down quickly with a series of forearm blows to Jecht’s side. He brings Jecht up and lashes into him with some quick chops before setting up for an irish whip. He sends Jecht into the ropes, but as he sets for his next move, Melton comes out of the corner with a dropkick to the back of the head that sends X crashing into Jecht.]

MN: That’s why Joey Melton is the smartest man in the history of professional wrestling. Let the other idiots do the grunt work, then pick your spot to attack.

DT: Melton now has Jecht and he brings him over to his corner. Cruise measures up Jecht, and NAILS him with a stiff right hand!!! Tag made, and now Cameron Cruise in for his team. He hooks the head and the leg...FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX! Could Blitz’s chance be over this quickly?

[Alas, no, as Jecht kicks out easily after 2. Cruise looks for a short arm clothesline, but Jecht ducks and shoves Cameron across the ring, straight into the waiting raised boot of X-Ecutioner. While X stomps away at Cruise, Jecht scrambles over to his corner to tag in the big German Max.]

DT: Jecht was taking a horrific beating in their, and now it’s time to see if Max can fare any better. X has Cruise in a double underhook, he lifts him HIGH overhead...Max slams into both men at full speed sending everybody over the top to the outside, and now all 6 men are making their way to this brawl!

MN: Awwwwwwwww yeah, it’s on, biatch!

DT: Oh no, not again.

MN: Yeah, Burgerboy. You though it was safe to go back in the water.

DT: This battle is raging on here at ringside, and it looks like Golem and X-Ecutioner have taken advantage of it. Golem sends Joey Melton flying into those stainless steel ring steps!!! X has Jecht...OH MY GOD!!! Jumping piledriver on the floor!!! The legal men have all climbed back into the ring as Jones breaks his count, and X goes to his corner and tags in Golem.

MN: Oooooooooh. Freakboy’s in, time to run away from the Claw.

DT: Cruise stares down Max...

MN:...THE CLAAAAAAWW WIIIIIILLL GEEEEEEETTTT YOOOOOOOOUUUU!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

DT: Oh just grow up, Michael. Cruise and Max now eye to eye...and they BOTH charge at the Clawed One!!! Double clothesline!! It looks like Cameron Cruise, Joey Melton, and Blitz have decided they want this thing settled between themselves! Cruise with the irish whip, straight into the inverted atomic drop from Max, flowing into a swinging neckbreaker by Cruise!!! What teamwork!

[Cruise tags in Melton, who stalks over Golem before dropping the point of his knee at the base of Golem’s neck. Melton grabs Golem by some of his trademark fur, and tosses him over to Max, who catches Golem with a hard bodyslam before holding him still for a series of patented Melton chops, each one eliciting a progressively louder “Whoo!” from the Georgia Dome crowd, and Mike Neely!]

MN: WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

DT: What?

MN: Appalachian Fog Orange Soda!

DT: Huh?

MN: So refreshing, you want to just go “Whooooo!”

DT: And I’M the shill. Riiiiiiiight. Melton with Golem...he hits him with that slingshot suplex! The pin...

ONE...

TWO...

X-ECUTIONER BREAKS IT UP WITH A BASEBALL SLIDE!!!

MN: SAFE!

DT: Max drags Golem to his feet. Irish whip, and Golem ducks under the Melton clothesline and runs headlong into Cameron Cruise, knocking him off the apron! That miscommunication may have just ended the Max/Melton double team! These two are laying into each other verbally!

MN: I can’t tell what Max is saying, cause it’s in German, but I think Joey just said something about Max’s mother, some lederhosen, and a vat of sour cream.

DT: Don’t. Wanna. Know.

MN: Then you DEFINETELY don’t wanna know what Joey JUST said.

DT: Nope, I want to know what’s going on with Golem! He’s prepping for the Claw!! He stalks in on the argument, lifts his hand...and Max and Joey toss him straight into X-Ecutioner!!! It was all a setup, and now Golem has that vicious claw inside his own partner’s mouth!!!

MN: Nothing pretty ever comes out of the use of that guy’s freaky finger.

DT: Melton grabs the stunned Golem...GERMAN SUPLEX!!!

ONE...

TWO...

JECHT BREAKS IT UP!!!

MN: Why the hell did he do that?

DT: Maybe he didn’t like some of the things Joey said about Max’s mother and Leonard Johnson.

MN: I thought you weren’t listening!

DT: Lied.

[Melton starts verbally assaulting Jecht, but that allows Max to roll the inaugural CSWA World Champion up with a schoolboy. Max nearly gets the fall, but Melton kicks out after a count of 2. Golem finally gets over and tags X-Ecutioner, who is still bleeding from the mouth.]

DT: X wants Joey Melton, but Melton doesn’t want anything to do with the big man! He tags Cameron Cruise!! Max tries for the spear...X gets out of the way and Max’s momentum carries him straight into that steel ringpost.

MN: I’m no doctor, but that’s gotta be a big ouchie.

DT: Big ouchie?

MN: I’m an announcer, damnit, not a big word talking guy.

DT: Or a fourth grade graduate.

[Cruise tries a front kick on X, but the bigger man catches the leg and drops Cruise with a quick Dragon Screw. He follows that up with a stiff spinebuster and a running elbow drop that get him a two count. Cruise tries to fight back, but an arm wringer and a crescent kick drop the Jacksonville, NC native once again.]

DT: X has Cameron once again, this time in a standing headscissors! Up for the ride...CRUISE DROPS OUT OF IT!!! He flips X over his shoulder, hooks the leg...SHIPWRECK!!! OVER THE SHOULDER CRADLE PILEDRIVER!!!! He pins!

ONE...

TWO...

THREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! It’s down to two, and there can be only one!

TF: The team of Golem and X-Ecutioner HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!!!!

[As X-Ecutioner rolls out of the ring, Cruise exchanges a triumphant look with Melton. Blitz, meanwhile, head to their corner and strategize as the second half of the match is set to begin...]