DT: What?

MN: “There can be only one?” Highlander, Burgerboy!

DT: Nevertheless, one of these two teams will be tag team champions! Each team has made tags, and Melton and Jecht will start off this 2 on 2 encounter! They circle, and lock up. Melton slips under and looks for the single leg, but Jecht rolls through with a snap mare, which Melton responds to with a quick fireman’s carry takedown!!

MN: Two points!

DT: Nice display of amateur wrestling from the veteran and the big man, and now both have regained their vertical bases. They lock up again, and this time Jecht just clobbers Joey with a double axe handle. Melton rises, but the same crashing blow fells the legend yet again!

MN: Damn, with all my thinking of how great Joey was, I forgot what he is. Old.

DT: We know.

[Jecht pummels Melton with knees strikes, forearms, and fists, eventually bringing him into the Blitz corner. He tags in Max, then the two get a quick double team with a tandem hip toss and a double leg drop. Max then starts going to town on his opponent, hitting him with an arm drag and a snap suplex, then floating over for the pin. This doesn’t end it, as Melton gets the shoulder up right after Pat Jones’ count of two.]

DT: Close call for Cruise and Melton right there. Max keeps up the pace on Melton, hooking in the front facelock again. He brings up Melton, and Joey floats over into the crossface submission!!! He’s putting the pressure squarely on the shoulder Max rammed into the steel post with!

MN: You tapped out! You tapped out! You tapped-

DT: Wrong fed, Mikey. Max looks like he can’t take it!!! He’s going to...NO!!!! Jecht springboards into the ring and breaks the hold with a kneedrop! Here comes Cameron Cruise!!! He has Jecht and he gets him with the Impact DDT!!! Melton walks over and locks in the Figure Four!!! The hold that’s won him so many titles is about to get him another one!!! Jecht is slapping the canvas like a madman!

MN: One problem.

DT: What, Neely?

MN: Jecht isn’t the legal man.

DT: Oh. Yeah. Right. Oops.

MN: HAHAHAHA!!! I win.

DT: Cruise finally realizes that Max is the legal man, and he tell Melton to break the hold. Back to the corner they go, now Cameron Cruise is the legal man for his team. He goes after Max, and keeps the pain flowing by hitting a vicious looking shoulderbreaker!!! Max’s shoulder may be separated, and even if Blitz is triumphant tonight, who knows what the toll will be.

MN: Here’s a guess: a separated shoulder?

DT: Cruise with the standing headscissors...SPINNING PILEDRIVER!!! Shades of Eddy Love!!! The pin!

ONE...

TWO...

THRRRIDON’TBELIEVEIT!!!!!!! Max was SOMEHOW able to kick out of that spinning piledriver by Cameron Cruise, and Cruise thinks that Pat Jones’ count was slow! He’s arguing, and Jecht comes in from behind with a forearm to the back of the head! Melton tries to get in, but Jones holds him back!!! Cruise staggers to the opposite corner...CHAIRSHOT FROM LEONARD JOHNSON!!!! Leonard Johnson took advantage of the referee’s distraction to assist his clients with a vicious shot with a steel chair, and this match is about to end.

MN: I’d agree.

DT: Max has him in powerbomb position...Jecht to the top...BLITZKRIEG!!!!

ONE...

TWO...

THREEEEEEEEE!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! HOLY FREAKING HELL!!!!

MN: How in the name of all that’s holy did he get out!

DT: I don’t know, but what a valiant effort by Cameron Cruise tonight! Cruise tries to crawl over to his partner, but Max has his right leg in his hand. He’s struggling, but the big German keeps yanking him back! One more pull, and Cruise slipped out of his right boot!! Max had accidentally grabbed the boot by the laces and untied it, allowing Cameron Cruise to pull away! Here comes the tag, and here comes the legend!!!

MN: As has been said many times, what the f(FCC)k is wrong with German people?

DT: Melton is in and he is PUMPED! He drops Max with a dropkick! Jecht runs in, he’s met with a diving forearm! Max back up, he gets a kneelift for his efforts! Melton sees Jecht in his corner, he’s going to take a page from his old rival Hornet! Running splash...and Jecht catches him!!! Powerslam by Jecht!!! He goes up top, and Max has Melton set up for the Blitzkrieg!

MN: One escape, maybe. Two, NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

DT: Jecht sets to fly...and Cruise tosses Jecht to the outside! Melton slips out of the powerbomb...BRAINBUSTER by Joey Melton!!!! Cruise now on the offensive...REALITY CHECK!!! Inverted Russian Legsweep!!! Melton signals to the crowd that he wants to end this match!!!

MN: But, here comes Jecht!

DT: NOT FOR LONG!!!! Cruise knocks him off the apron, and heads up top! DIVING HEADBUTT TO THE OUTSIDE!!! Melton and Max are all alone, and the Figure Four is ready!! He’s got it locked in!!!!

MN: Has he tapped yet?

DT: NO!

MN: Has he tapped yet?

DT: NOOOOOOO!!!!

MN: Has he tapped out yet?

DT: NOOOOOOO!!!! MAX IS STILL FIGHTING!!!

MN: Has he tapped YET?

DT: NNNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! Max can’t withstand the figure four any longer, and he’s tapped out!!! We have new tag team champions here in EPW after and epic three way elimination encounter! And just look at the pained expression on Leonard Johnson’s face after his boys came so close yet again to tag team gold.

[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings as the crowd goes NUTS.]

TF: Your winners, and the NEEEEEEEW EMPIRE PRO TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS....CAMERRRRRRRROOOOOOON CRUUUUUUUUIIIIIIISSSSSEEEE and JOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLTTTTTOOOOOOONNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!

DT: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Many people have called Cameron Cruise many things over the years, but tonight, they can call him a champion, as he and Joey Melton are leaving tonight with tag-team gold around their waists.

MN: So can we assume that the Cameron Cruise Project is a success?

DT: Presumably.

MN: Now THAT'S some fun stuff.

DT: Yes it is, Mike. It certainly is.

[Cut to the backstage area. The crowd boos as Bryan Storms walks down the hall, his forehead bandaged. He's smirking, apparently satisfied with his victory over John Doe. As he walks into the lobby, however, he sees John Doe being helped back to the locker room by medics.]

STORMS: Awww, little Johnny.

DOE: F*ck off, Storms.

STORMS: What's wrong? 'Fraid I'm gonna make you quit again?

DOE: No. I'm afraid your stench will rub off on me.

STORMS: Yeah, good one-

[A door swings open, and Golem and X-Ecutioner stroll into the lobby.]

GOLEM: Misssster Storms.

STORMS: What?

GOLEM: I have heard we got "really lucky" beating you, eh Second Coming? Well, my little puppet, I think that Golem owes you a little something. You won your match - but let's see how tough you REALLY are.

[With that, Golem slaps the Claw into Storms' mouth! Storms struggles, but Golem continues to work the Claw down the throat of the less furry man. In the background, John Doe watches with glee.]

DOE: Yeah! Kick his-

[That doesn't last long. X-Ecutioner promptly kicks Doe in the face, taking him down and locking in a Boston crab for no reason!]

DT: DAMMIT!!! SOMEONE NEEDS TO STOP THIS!!! GOLEM AND X-ECUTIONER ARE ATTACKING DOE AND STORMS FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!!!

MN: The Freaks are on the WARPATH!

[As Doe and Storms begin to fade in the holds of X and Golem respectively, there is a commotion as Matt Johanssen bursts into the room, steel chair in hand and security guards behind him. Golem nods to X-Ecutioner, and the two flee the scene, leaving Johanssen to help a bloody-mouthed Storm up.]

JOHANSSEN: Sh*t... You okay, Bryan?

STORMS: Urrrrrgh...

JOHANSSEN: Those f*cking freaks.

[His eyes burning, Johanssen stares at the corridor Golem and X-Ecutioner fled down. Meanwhile, a team of medics tend to John Doe.]

[Cut to a shill for EPW action figures...]