FADEIN: A close-up shot of a teenage fan in the UNITED CENTER sporting a #23 home jersey and a replica - plastic mind you - of the EPW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE! The kid mugs for the camera as his buddies pour into frame. Do people act this way at the Zoo? Do the animals when we’re not around?

CUTTO: A giddy Tony Fatora in the middle of the ring, black and white tuxedo a size too tight. Fatora straightens his bow tie and blushes as the CHEERS of anticipation filter in.

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen! [MARK!] Time for our MAIN EVENT!

MN: [V/O] I love those words Dave. They usually mean public humiliation for some poor sod.

DT: [V/O] Don’t confuse “Main Event” with “Last Call.”

MN: [V/O] You know, that’s a point.

TONY FATORA: Five men and one WOMAN [Crowd cheers!] for the EPW WORLD HEAYVWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Sixty-minute time limit! Elimination match! First, our challengers!

MUSIC UP: "Rainmaker" by Iron Maiden.

[MARK!]

CUTTO: “The Dragon” Karl Brown stepping onto the gantry, arms outstretched, assuming victory. Respectful cheers fall like rose pedals paving Karl’s walk to the ring. Confidence is quiet; over confidence are his peers.

TONY FATORA: A six-foot Chap. From the homeland! The Dragon! KARL BROWN!

CUTTO: Karl Brown walking around the ring, glancing into the crowd but otherwised focused.

DT: [V/O] The Dragon has had a shot at this belt before, and guys, nobody’s talking about Brown walking out of here with the title but he could damn well do it.

MN: [V/O] Ugh. Talking about Karl Brown is like eating a Rice Cake.

DM: [V/O] Why is that?

MN: [V/O] What else do you say, but “Can I have something else?”

DT: [V/O] Please…

MUSIC UP: “Sigillum Diaboli" - H.I.M

[MARK!!!]

CUTTO: The Empiretron. The vastness of Space. Suddenly, Kin Hiroshi flies by on a broom. [Crowd cheers]

CUTTO: Kin Hiroshi on the gantry, “How am I here?” grin wearing him.

TONY FATORA: From the great state of Tokyo, this six-foot wonder weighed in at
235 lbs. Put your Muffins together for KIN HIROSHI!

CUTTO: Hiroshi gladly letting Karl Brown hold the ropes for him, then patting Sean on the back. Karl extends his hand, and Hiroshi kisses it.

DT: [V/O] You know, it alarms me that Kin Hiroshi really thinks he’s Jean-Luc Picard. Not sure why it should, but maybe it’s just with Hiroshi in general I’m frightened.

MN: [V/O] Can’t blame you. What did you do before winning the EPW World Title? I sold muffins. Gutting, really.

DM: [V/O] It’s like buying Ice Cream from a neighborhood vendor, and then seeing him on Dateline NBC years later profiled as a computer predator. Vanilla, just isn’t Vanilla anymore after that revelation, huh?

MN: [V/O] What the hell are you talking about?

MUSIC UP: “Love Is A Battlefield” by Pat Bentar

[MARK!]

CUTTO: The Empiretron. A quick slide-show of Joey’s greatest EPW moments. Then we CUTTO Melton strutting out on the gantry. Another sold-out arena, another million-dollar gate he’ll take credit for. It’s easy really. Smile, wave, play nice and crow the loudest when nobody is quite sure how the business came to this.

TONY FATORA: A man who needs no introduction but contractually must be given the longest of the night. You say it's not fair, and five other contestants are liable to agree. The former Sexual All-American! The man who once brought all of Korea together! A hero in a world where there are none. 6'1, 210, JOEY MELTON!

CUTTO: Melton climbing the ring steps, loving the signs that read, “Where’s Cameron?” He’s in the back watching you irritants. Where Melton left him.

DT: [V/O] Fun fact, Joey Melton won a World Title last millennium.

DM: [V/O] Neely is speechless. Bless you Dave.

DT: Three down, three to go... this match has the makings to be perhaps the greatest World Championship match in the history of Empire Pro Wrestling! Those three men in the center of that ring look primed for competition... I can't began to imagine who's going to win this thing!
 
MN: Not any of those three, I'll tell you that! As I look around, a couple of those guys shouldn't even BE in this match! These guys are chumps compared to what's coming next!!
 
DM: This is coming from a guy who has never wrestled a single match in his life...
 
MN: Hey, hey, hey!! I wrestle a different chick every night! I'm a world champ in my own right, baby! 
 
[Suddenly, the VIDEO-tron lit up, as the "Blue-Eyed Badass' Sean Stevens' dressing room door swung open and he sauntered out, bottled 'Evian' in hand. His hair hung down his back, and was soaked from the showers, as he was dressed in his 'go time' gear, consisting of black tights with his trademark neon blue 'X' all over them, and a black, "Planet Earth's Champion" wife-beater.
 
On his way to the gorilla position, he stopped in front of an <b>'EPW Presents: UNLEASHED'</b> backdrop, as EPW backstage interviewer, Kenny Lombardo stood in front of it with a mic.]
 
LOMBARDO: All the hype ... all week there has been talk about what's going to transpire in that ring tonight. Well, Sean ... tonight is THAT night. Tell us again, what do you expect to see happen.
 
[Stevens unscrewed the cap off of his bottle and took a sip.]
 
STEVENS: You're gonna see a LEGEND, a GREAT champion and AMBASSADOR for this company and business take center stage ... and, oh yeah ... Joey Melton and Lindsay Troy'll be there as well. Kenny, what you'll see tonight won't be able to be explained in one viewing. Ladies and Gentlemen, get your VCRs, your TiVO, and recording devices ready because you're gonna need to witness this event more than once.
 
[Stevens snatched the mic out of Lombardo's hand.]

STEVENS: When I came to Empire Pro ... my goal was to win the World Heavyweight Championship. The fact that I'm about to accomplish that goal so soon isn't surprising because if you've seen me perform, you know that ANYTHING is possible on any given night. I turn witnesses into BELIEVERS, and tonight, Lindsay Troy, Joey Melton, Dragon Boy, Muffin Man, and Beast .. you, too get to become a believer. Because I GUARANTEE you, when it's all said and done, *I* will be the last man standing in that ring. Hit my music, it's GO TIME! 
 
[The VIDEO-tron faded out, as "I'm a KING" by TI began to blare over the PA system.]
 
DT: Well, you can't deny Triple X's confidence ... some would even go so far as to say it's ARROGANCE!
 
MN: It's not arrogance. When you're great, you're great ... and, THAT man oozes GREATNESS! "TRIPLE X" Sean Stevens may just be my new favorite wrestler.
 
DM: If you could ever get him to stop talking and wrestle.
 
[The curtain parted two ways, as Stevens stepped through pausing at the top of the ramp, before thrusting his arms into the air, revelling in his time in the spotlight. Trip walked on both sides of the stage before making his long, dramatic saunter down the aisle into the ring. Once, inside, he took off his t-shirt, tossing it to one of the sexy EPW girls, whispering something that looked like, "After the match, ladies" in their direction, before finding a turnbuckle and climbing it for some more celebration.
 
The crowd boos were very passionate. But, just like he ignored the three men standing in the ring, you could hardly tell that he noticed.]

MUSIC UP: “Figure You Out” - Nickelback

[Crowd ROARS]

CUTTO: Beast stands on top of the gantry surrounded by EXPLOSIONS. Few, if any in this business cut a more imposing figure. He played the fool a year ago, because it was needed. If he destroyed the five top names in this company in less than an hour, could he still call EPW a home worth owning? It’s a shoe he’s worn like an old drum. What if it still fits? What if? [screams of terror] What if?

TONY FATORA: A former EPW World Champion, a man too noble to be Prime Minister, he's rockin', he's sockin', he's a damn BEAST!

CUTTO: Beast RUNNING to the ring and DIVING through the bottom rope into the ring. The other four combatants scatter as the crowd LOVES it.

MN: [V/O] Is Fatora high? I mean there’s a time when we all stopped asking, but seriously. Is he high?

DT: [V/O] All kidding aside, Beast is the man to beat and we all know it.

MN: [V/O] We’re all men to beat. Nature, luv.

DM: There's only one more person to come out, boys...and you all know who it is.

MN: The Geiko gecko?

DT: [Hits Neely upside the head]

MN: WHAT?!

The EmpireTron begins to flicker intently before going completely to black. A loud HUM of audio feedback fills the arena before all the lights go out completely.

DM: What the hell?

MN: That's it, the Apocalypse is upon us. Thomas, hold me!

DT: Do I need to hit you again?

DM: No, but I’m jealous.

A spotlight suddenly shines down into the center of the ring, illuminating a furious Beast, who's breathing heavily in anger. Then, four more spotlights shine down upon Melton, Stevens, Hiroshi and Brown, who all look a bit confused at the display. Beast starts pacing in the ring, the spotlight following his movements, while an all-too familiar phrase slowly fades onto the screen of the Empiretron.

"Do you really have to be the ice queen intellectual or the slut whore....?

....isn't there someway to be both?"

The spotlights on the five challengers immediately disappear and instead are cast down upon the stage with a single yellow spotlight in the center.

MUSIC UP: "Chip Away the Stone" -- AEROSMITH

The crowd erupts at the change of music [let's face it, I think we were all getting tired of the rap number.] Pyro erupts with each drum beat and the LINDSAY TROY appears on the stage as soon as Steven Tyler starts singing.

"You act like a primadonna,
Playin so hard to get.
Sittin so cool and nonchalant,
Draggin on a cigarette..."

Troy stands underneath the yellow spotlight, belt wrapped around her waist, giving each one of her competitors a once-over before focusing on Beast in the center of the ring. He starts yelling at her to get down there, immediately...right this very second, but still she stands, giving him that infuriating smirk while the crowd explodes throughout the arena.

"You keep a wall all around you,
And I'll get through someday.
I want your love babe, but push come to shove,
Gonna chip that stone away..."

While Beast gives Troy all of his attention, he doesn't notice Melton sneak into the ring behind him and clobber him between the shoulderblades with a STIFF forearm. Troy immediately runs down to the ring, unstrapping the belt from around her waist in mid-stride and jumps onto the apron. With a springboard into the ring, she takes both Beast and Melton down with a DROPKICK.

TONY FATORA: Standing 6’3, and weighing in at 170 lbs, from Tampa, Florida. She’s YOUR WORLD CHAMPION!

[CUTTO: Kin Hiroshi throwing Fatora over the top rope!]

DT: [MARK!] We’ve lost Fatora and the Main Event has officially begun!

[SFX: DING! DING!]

TONY FATORA: [V/O] LINDSAY TROY!

DT: The World champion hit the ring with business on her mind! Lindsay springs to the middle rope…Troy off the turnbuckle with a double clothesline on Melton and Beast, but both men catch her! [CUTTO: Melton and Beast sharing a look] DOUBLE HOT SHOT OVER THE TOP ROPE! Rivals working together in the early seconds!

MN: Cats and dogs getting along, black turning into white…

DT: It’s Karl Brown with a clubbing right forearm to the back of Melton’s neck! Karl scoops up Joey, as Beast pounds away on Lindsay Troy, HIROSHI WITH A DROPKICK! [CUTTO: Brown slamming Melton down, falling on top of him for the pin!] Senior Referee Pat Jones in position, ONE, TWO….[CUTTO: Lindsay Troy who was hammered outside by Beast, reaching under the bottom rope and pulling Melton from the ring.]

DM: Save by the man of the family!

MN: You mean, on the man of the family.

DM: I got it right.

DT: Troy and Melton exchanging words, you had to figure going in they’d work together, oh! OVER THE TOP ROPE COMES HIROSHI! Double flying body press! The fans in the front row had to run for cover!

MN: Please if Lindsay Troy would’ve bounced off the mat, over the railing, and into their laps…it’s the most sexual contact any of those kids have had in ages.

DT: All three combatants to their feet, Brown unleashing a right hand over Joey’s right eye! [CUTTO: Hiroshi Irish Whipping BEAST up and OVER the top rope.] [MARK!] BEAST sails over the top quadruple body press! Beast up and roaring! Hiroshi last in line…OVER THE TOP ROPE, BULLDOG!! Hiroshi just bulldogged Beast over the top of the security railing!

[EPW! EPW! EPW!]

DT: Sean Stevens watching it all with a bemused look. He threatens a run to the ropes but backs off! He’s letting the rest of the group take the early shots. And why not.

DM: I go back to the Champ saving Melton. One eliminated makes her job easier. She can jerk him later.

DT: Troy sending Karl Brown hard into the railing as Jones counts, but he might as well count to one hundred! One eliminated, but if Melton goes out first, nobody to work with. Troy’s job is to survive. Smart play by the World Champion!

DM: If, Melton works with her. He wants this just as bad as anyone!

[SFX: WHOMP!]

DT: Hiroshi whips Beast into the ring steps! The former EPW Champion grabbing at his heck, boys he may already be hurt. Melton in the ring, imploring Jones to count! [CUTTO: Troy delivering a martial arts style kick to the back of the Muffin Man’s neck.] Pat Jones reminding Melton the belt doesn’t switch hands on a count out.

MN: Senior moment.

DT: Now, it’s Stevens getting in the action! A clothesline over the back of Melton’s neck! Joey forgot he was there!

MN: That’s okay, the wrestling world pretty much forgot about him over the last two years as well.

DT: Karl Brown on the apron trying to get back in the ring, but it’s LINDSAY TROY with a SHOT to Brown’s groin! Karl hung over the middle rope like a sack of, well…

DM: Careful.

DT: Stevens POWERSLAMS Melton as he comes off the ropes! A quick pin! ONE…TWO….NO! [MARK!] Joey up! [CUTTO: Hiroshi Irish Whipping Beast into the railing, but Beast reverses!] [SFX: BAM!] Hiroshi hit back first, hard, against the barrier that keeps the mob from Mike Neely!

MN: Segregation is a great thing, if uses correctly.

DT: BEAST FLYING CLOTHESLINE!! [CUTTO: Beast and Hiroshi going INTO the crowd.] In ring, Stevens drops an elbow over Melton’s mush! Joey flopping around in pain. I think that bastard chipped a tooth!

[CUTTO: Lindsay Troy positioned behind Karl Brown on the apron.]

MN: That’s okay. Some of our greatest leaders have had fake teeth. George Washington anyone? But, yeah, let’s hope Melton keeps his own.

DT: TROY [MARK] OFF THE ARPON, ONE HAND GERMAN SUPLEX! My word! Brown splattered over the mat! And the World Champion hands on to the ring ropes with a free hand! [Crowd starts clapping!] What a move!

DM: Here comes Trip!

DT: Stevens running at Troy, jumps over the top rope, has Troy…DDT FROM THE APRON! All in one motion! [CUTTO: Troy on the mat, grabbing at her head and neck.] That was sick!

MN: How bout Brown rolling out of the way. I like to give credit to men who can avoid potential disaster.

DT: Beast and Hiroshi trading blows! Kin giving up a considerable height and weight advantage, getting the worst of it! Beast, hooks the leg! VERTICAL SUPLEX!! [CUTTO: Beast suplexing Hiroshi back over the railing!] Trip up first, clutching his left hip…that move may have hurt him worse than Troy, MELTON with a kick to the back of the mat while standing on the apron! Joey off the apron, DOUBLE AXE HANDLE! Brown up and charging at Joey, but Melton with a thumb to the eye. Joey, aligns The Dragon against the apron, KNIFE EDGE CHOP! KNIFE EDGE CHOP AGAIN! Brown with a left forearm uppercut that shakes Melton’s base!

[CUTTO: Beast throwing Hiroshi into the group of bodies.]

DT: Karl wisely, rolling Joey back in the ring, and follows! No! Lindsay Troy grabs his left foot and pulls him back! Troy with a right! Blocked! BROWN STANDING DROPKICK! And Troy [SFX: THEE-WACK] helplessly as she lands HARD against the railing!

[CUTTO: Triple X stepping on and over Kin Hiroshi.]

MN: I don’t understand why he didn’t step over. People have been doing it for years.

[CUTTO: Beast around the corner, setting up a table.]

DT: Triple X again, stepping over the throat of Kin Hiroshi! Come on!

TRIPLE X: [to Camera] What? [BOOOO] I didn’t see him!

DT: Stevens taking interest in a beaten Lindsay Troy! Her arms outstretched over the railing! [CUTTO: Melton reaching over the ropes, grabbing Karl Brown’s head and pulling him into the ring.] Stevens walking slowly to Lindsay. This can’t be good!

DM: She’s helplessly right now, Dave. I don’t think Troy knows where she is.

MN: Usually it’s the other way around. Melton oblivious and Troy feeding him lines.

[CUTTO: Trip grabbing the back of Troy’s hair and bending her over the railing, as he kisses her. You know, one of those long, deep, passionate, guess what I had for breakfast kisses.]

DT: That’s disgusting! Stevens essentially sexually assaulting our World Champion.

MN: Disgusting. That’s how a man should treat a woman. You wait, in five minutes he’s probably going to [Censor] her.

DM: Oh geez..

TRIPLE X: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

[MARK!]

DT: Stevens SCREAMING in pain, as Troy backs him up…SHE’S BITING HIS TONGUE!

MN: SAVAGE!

DT: Troy with a uppercut to the family jewels! [MARK!] HIROSHI WITH A RUNNING KNEE LIFT! And Stevens is knocked into next Tuesday! [Crowd stands and cheers! Those who weren’t already standing!] The Muffin Man and the Queen Of The Ring smile, and share a high-five!

MN: Lovely.

DT: Hiroshi turns and clothesline, NO! Troy was ready for him, ATOMIC DROP! [CUTTO: Hiroshi cracked, and then springing into the iron post!] BRAINBUSTER in ring! Melton drops Brown! He may eliminate Karl Brown! Pat Jones counts! ONE…TWO…. [CUTTO: BEAST off the top rope with an Alabama Jam!] Count effectively broken!

MN: I can’t keep up with all the action, Dave. I’m going to turn the left side of my head set into the Spanish broadcast.

DT: Stop. Trip with a kick to the back of Lindsay Troy! [BOOOO] Snap suplex! Sean, standing over Troy and just SLAPPING her face! Come on! Stevens isn’t even focused on wrestling, he’s trying to degrade our World Champion!

MN: He wants to know where his baby, baby, baby, baby back ribs are.

DM: Back to the kitchen, huh Mike?

MN: Hey, it’s not me. It’s Stevens, but yes, that’s my sense of things.

DT: Beast Irish whips Melton, BACK BODY DROP OVER THE TOP ROPE!! [SFX: CRASH!] AND THROUGH THE TABLE! [MARK!] Mercy me. Joey Melton just went through a table! KARL BROWN PUSHES BEAST INTO THE ROPES….rollup….ONE….TWO….THREEE!!

[MARK!]

MN: YES!!!

DT: Will you shut up!

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen, “The Dragon” Karl Brown has eliminated BEAST!! [MARK!]

DT: Triple X, positioning Troy’s face and neck under the security railing! If he does what I think he’s going to do…..[CUTTO: Stevens grabbing Troy’s legs, setting up to catapult her into the railing.]

DM: This could bust Troy’s windpipe at the least…

MN: I know!

DT: SEAN NO! [CUTTO: Stevens falling down, catapulting Troy up, but Lindsay pushes the railing out of the way as she flies up, safely, and SPRINGS on top of the apron! [MARK!] TROY! WHAT A MOVE! Lindsay spinning leg drop off the apron! Oh man! HIROSHI WITH A CHAIR! [SFX: THUD!]

MN: Good serve out wide by Hiroshi!

DT: This is not a Tennis match! Swinging a chair shouldn’t even be a legal move! [MN: Like all 6 guys in the ring at once IS?] Troy, Dean…she’s split wide-open. Hiroshi and Stevens have drawn blood from the Queen.

[CUTTO: Melton stirring in a broken mess that WAS the table. He looks at his left hand and wiggles his fingers. All five are there. Check.]

DM: Kin scoops and body slams the Queen right on that chair! Troy’s never been afraid to bleed for a win, Dave. And that’s a great thing, because it’s four against one, and when you’re the one who came into this match with an accessory, you’re the most likely to leave naked.

MN: YES! She’s an ignorant slut, but two hours working with the two of you and I need a shot of fleshy areolas.

DT: Hiroshi rolls the Queen in the ring, and follows right behind! But it’s Brown with a cover! ONE, TWO….Troy with a foot on the bottom rope as Hiroshi finally gets in the ring! Karl nearly stealing an elimination from the Muffin Man! And Kin’s not amused! Kick to the back of Brown’s neck! Hiroshi pulls Karl to his feet, Irish Whip into the ropes..Brown leap frogs Hiroshi off the ropes, NO! Stevens pulled the top rope down and Brown takes a nasty spill! [MARK!] Trip made a desperate lunge, just in time!

MN: You promised me nudity Matthews. If it’s yours by night’s end, so be it.

DT: Hiroshi backs Troy into a corner! He’s on the middle rope and peppering Troy’s forehead with sharp left hands! [Crowd counts] One, two, three, four, five! TROY HOOKS THE LEGS! And carries Hiroshi to the center of the ring, Atomic Drop! Troy roundhouse kick! Hiroshi dropped hard! Troy sprints to the ropes, MOONSAULT OFF THE ROPES! But Hiroshi got his feet up! [CUTTO: Troy gasping for air and rolling next to Kin.] Here comes Triple X! He jumps on the middle ropes, DOUBLE LEGDROP! [Fans applaud]

MN: This is what I like to see from a good heel. He’s opened up a woman, now he just has to make her submit!

DM: Troy pulled the shocker of the year to get the World title….she’s going to have to have another miracle up her sleeve to hold on to it. At any give time the four of them can gang up and take her out.

[CUTTO: Brown whipping Melton into the security railing. He throws a chair at Joey, which Melton catches. Brown with two big steps goes to leap off the floor for a dropkick, but Melton steps in and WHACKS him with a chair shot.]

DT: Trip stands Troy up, AD. STRETCH! He’s got the arm hooked, and he’s pulling back on Troy’s hair! Which is beginning to become blood soaked! Hiroshi up, trying to decide if he shot take a shot at Trip or not!

DM: If these idiots were smart, they’d get the World Champion out of the way. For a year now they’ve had to deal with the agony and embarrassment that comes with a Woman holding a MAN’S BELT. Make that change right now.

MN: I’ve never loved you more than I do right now.

DT: Hiroshi may be on the same wavelength Dean. He’s motioning to Trip and headed up top! Stevens, standing leg scissors as Hiroshi stands on the top turnbuckle! Trip’s got Troy up, SPIKED PILEDRIVER! [CUTTO: Troy’s neck spiking into the mat! Immediately she grabs her neck and SCREAMS.]

MN: OH MY GAWD THEY KILLED LINDSAY!

DM: Rock, paper, scissors to see who pins her.

DT: Stop! Trip does cover! Hiroshi walks off to find presumably find Karl Brown! Pat Jones in position, ONE….TWO….[CUTTO: Melton diving in with an elbow to make the save.] [MARK!] Melton with a stick save, and a beaut! You wondered if he’d work as a team with Troy, and the answer is a resounding YES! Joey to his feet, but its Stevens with a right hand! Another! An-blocked! Melton with a right jab! A forearm uppercut! Melton spreads Trip over the ropes, KNIFE EDGE CHOP! Joey backing Stevens into a corner, knee to the stomach! IRISH WHIP INTO THE CORNER AND STEVENS FLIPS OVER THE TURNBUCKLE! [CUTTO: Stevens hung on the ring wire between the Iron post and the turnbuckle, reaching a higher tune than he did this morning.]

MN: I think Karl Brown’s lost a tooth and Triple X just lost his right nut!

DM: One of the two just hit me in the eye.

DT: Geez… [CUTTO: Hiroshi pounding on Brown outside the ring!] Melton slowly walking over to a fallen Lindsay Troy! Guys, that neck is broken, there’s no two ways about it. We need medical down here, right now!

MN: I didn’t want her to walk out as champion, just not like this…

DT: Joey reaching down to tend to Troy, the concern evident on his face, WHAT! INSIDE CRADLE BY TROY! Jones…ONE……….TWO…TH-NO!! [MARK!] Melton rolled outside of the ring JUST in the nick of time! Troy just took a shot at eliminating her lover!

MN: Don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die! Whoever said that had a point!

DM: I think Melton is pissed, and why shouldn’t he be… [CUTTO: Joey reaching under the bottom rope and dragging Lindsay outside.]

DT: Oh, it’s a game, business only when Joey tries to wrestle Troy….is that it? Melton KNIFE EDGE CHOP and Troy falls back into the ring apron. You could hear that one in the nose bleed section! ANOTHER CHOP!

MN: Just imagine the two of them going at it like this in Troy’s dungeon. Actually, I think I’m going to turn off my mic, crawl under the table, and imagine just that.

DT: Eck. Melton scoops up Troy….but he can’t find anywhere to dump her!

MN: Buyer’s remorse! She just suckered you into a near fall Melton, don’t be a pansy!

DT: BACK BREAKER! Melton dumped Troy right over his right leg!

MN: She’s been a very bad girl! Yeah, for real, I’m gone.

[CUTTO: Hiroshi back in the ring, climbing the ropes behind Trip.]

DM: The fans urging Melton to go at it with Troy, and whatever reservations he’s having, they’re over. FIGURE FOUR! Melton with his finishing move on Troy, outside the ring!

DT: He’ll be sleeping on the couch for weeks I’m sure! Hiroshi has Triple X up, standing on the top turnbuckle! They both are! [CUTTO: Brown climbing the opposite turnbuckle] Kin, arms hooked around Steven’s waist, GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE TOP! WITH A ROLL OVER BRIDGE!! [MARK!!] Jones to count, Stevens is gone for sure! ONE….TWO!! [CUTTO: Karl Brown jumping off the top rope.] LEG DROP BY BROWN ON HIROSHI! [MARK!]

MN: These people are idiots. Let someone get eliminated! Lessen the field. He’s not Canadian is he?

DM: No, that one already left.

DT: Brown off the ropes, cartwheel between the two bodies [MARK!] OFF THE MIDDLE ROPE, SPINNING FROG SPLASH ON STEVENS! These fans also screaming because Troy just reversed the Figure four! OHMY!

[CUTTO: Outside the ring, where Melton YELLS in serious pain as Troy has the Figure Four reversed.]

DT: What a match this has been up to this point! Five people with the opportunity to walk out of here as World Champion! Jones counts to TWO on a cover, but Stevens kicks out! Brown on the mat, hooks the leg, STF! He’s got the STF on Triple X! A finishing move!

MN: Good thinking. He’s a quitter. Kid has been out of the sport for the last year, and he’s quit on every relationship after the cum shot.

DM: You know, that was actually fun.

MN: Thank you.

DT: Pat Jones asking Stevens if he wants to quit….Hiroshi wisely letting the submission take place, no…no he’s not! CAMEL CLUTCH by Hiroshi ON THE DRAGON! DOUBLE SUBMISSION MOVE! [MARK!]

MN: Dog pile, reminds me of your wife’s sixteenth birthday party Matthews.

DM: I thought I picked her up from school that day…

[SPLIT-SCREEN SHOT: Troy with the reversed figure four on Melton, and Stevens and Brown bellowing in pain, and denial.]

DT: Actually, TRIPLE SUBMISSION MOVE! Though if Melton gave up, it’d make about as noise as a tree falling in the forest! He can’t do it from there! Will either Brown or Stevens give it up? Will then let a chance at winning the WORLD’S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP pass them by?

MN: Exactly. They’re not like Doritos. If you crunch, Ryan and Freeman may not make more.

DT: Steven’s has his hand out! HE’S GOING TO GIVE IT UP! NO! HE PULLS IT BACK IN! BROWN HAS TO BREAK THE STF! Trip crawls out from the scene! HIROSHI SITS DOWN ON THE CAMEL CLUTCH! Jones right in The Dragon’s face, asking! You the know the answer, but how long can he hold out! SUPERKICK BY TRIPLE X TO HIROSHI’S FACE! [SFX: THUD!] Brown lives on!

DM: It’s so competitive in there Dave that NOBODY wants to give up a pin! It’s almost a badge of honor to be the one that eliminates someone!

MN: Yeah, we have some real thinkers in there obviously.

DT: If that’s the case, Brown has one merit badge for eliminating Beast! Stevens has Karl to the ropes on and his feet! IRISH WHIP! Brown off the ropes, Trip with a clothesline that misses! The Dragon ducked, off the ropes again OHHHHH MERCY! [CUTTO: Triple X dropping Brown with a superkick to the side of the neck.] The air just went out of the building, that’s how brutal that kick was….Stevens covers, and Hiroshi’s letting it happen…ONE…..TWO…..THREE!!! [MARK!]

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen, Karl Brown has been Eliminated by “Triple X” Sean Stevens!! [Boooo]

DT: Trip kicks Brown out of the way and goes toe-to-toe with Hiroshi in the corner! Four combatants left! Hiroshi with a groin shot! DDT on Stevens!! [CUTTO: Lindsay Troy with Melton in a standing leg scissors.] The lover’s quarrel continues…

MN: And we’re all the richer for it…

DT: Troy pulls Joey up….RAZOR’S EDGE! [MARK!] Melton’s body bounced off the mat! HERE COMES HIROSHI! [CUTTO: Kin scaling the top rope and executing a Hurricanrana!] BABY WHAT A MOVE! Kin not letting Troy get hear bearings for a second! The United Center ERUPTED with that one!

MN: Chicago doesn’t want Troy to win either! Good people!

DT: They’re a fan of good wrestling, that’s all it means! . Hiroshi rolls Troy back in the ring! He wants to take out Troy!

MN: Who doesn’t? She’s smart, fit, sassy, and according to Melton a GREAT lay.

DM: Hiroshi with a headlock on Troy…SPRINGBOARD BULLDOG! The man’s been a joke his entire career, well, at least we’ve been laughing at him, but Kin’s about to take out the World Champ!

DT: TRIP catches him as he pins, SCORPION DEATHLOCK! He just stepped in and slapped the hold on! Jones didn’t even bother counting one! Troy, out from under the pin, shaking the willies out of her neck! [CUTTO: Melton climbing back in the ring.] Hiroshi shaking his head violently. He’s not giving up. He’s not letting loose of this golden opportunity to win the biggest title of his career!

MN: I wonder…

DT: Geez.

MN: No listen, he framed the first dollar he made selling Muffins. Can you frame the EPW title?

DT: Troy running to Melton as he gets in the ring, and buries a kick right in his gut! [MARK!] Tough love, I guess. Lindsay with A KNIFE EDGE CHOP! Irish Whip into the ropes, DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! Both ends of the relationship down! [CUTTO: Trip sitting down on the Scorpion, but his eyes lighting up as he sees Troy and Melton on the mat.] STEVENS BREAKS THE HOLD!

DM: Idiot. I thought Hiroshi was close to giving it up!

[CUTTO: Stevens running to the top turnbuckle.]

MN: Were the tears a dead give away?

DT: Trip on the top as the United Center can feel it…..DOUBLE FROGSPLASH! Mercy me! Triple X just dropped the bomb on Melton AND Troy! [MARK!] Pat Jones dives in to make the cover…DOUBLE ELMINATION! ONE….TWO……[CUTTO: Hiroshi diving in an elbow drop to break the pin!] NO!!

MN: Look, we’re all having fun but we have to go home some time tonight!

DM: Why would Hiroshi save Team Troy from being eliminated? Is he afraid of Trip one-on-one?

DT: Hiroshi turns Trip over….he’s on top of Melton and Troy..Hiroshi running to the ropes, JUMPS ON THE MIDDLE ROPE AND SPRINGBOARDS OFF A SENTON BOMB! [MARK!] Kin makes the pin…TRIPLE PIN TO WIN THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE! The cover…

MN: First, 6-6-06 now Kin Hiroshi representing our company. Wow. Just wow.

DT: ONE………………TWO……………………..TH-NO!!!! [MARK!] I don’t know who kicked out. Maybe they all did! [Fans start clapping.] Hiroshi so close to being our champion! He’s got Troy on her feet…and backed into the ropes, hard right hand! She’s really been opened up in his match! Irish whip into the ropes, but Lindsay puts on the breaks and holds on! Hiroshi charges! [CUTTO: Troy takes a quick step towards Kin and LEAPING in the air, executing a Hurricanrana that takes Hiroshi OUT of the ring.] Troy with the move of the night! These fans love it!

DM: She’s giving up pounds in this match, in most matches, but Lindsay Troy has got to be one of the top five aerial tacticians in our sport today.

MN: I’m more of an ass man myself.

DT: Melton and Stevens stagger to the feet, Joey with a uppercut that spins Trip around! Troy sees the opening! She’s loading up that right leg! SUPER-OHHHHHHHH! [SFX: OOPS!] Stevens ducked out of the way…Troy SUPERKICKED Melton! [CUTTO: Joey on the mat, out cold, his nose bleeding profusely.]

MN: Accident, my ass! That’s twice!

[CUTTO: Troy hands over her head in disbelief, dropping to her knees. It’s business, but not like that. She didn’t want it like that.]

DT: Look at Stevens! The grin on his face! He scurries to make the cover….ONE….TWO……..THREE!!!!! [MARK!] Joey Melton is gone! Put out by…I can’t even say it…

DM: The pussy that tamed him.

MN: I’d crawl on glass and bark like a dog for that. Just FYI.

DT: Lindsay Troy. She’s beside herself!

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen, Joey Melton has been eliminated from this match by SEAN STEVENS! [Boooo!]

DT: Hiroshi climbing back in the ring! Trip and Troy staring at one another! Frankly, she’s outnumbered, but has been her entire career! [CUTTO: Melton coming to outside the ring, a staffer handing him a towel that he uses to stop the bleeding.]

DM: The question is, will Kin and Sean play ball? Will they work together?

MN: Or do they consider Troy the easier elimination?

DT: She’s the World Champion. We’re down to three, and all of them in opposite corners! [CUTTO: Troy in her corner, looking out of the ring at a beaten Melton who’s helped by her and up the aisle. She apologetically gestures, but Melton has a freak spasm in his middle finger.]

MN: I sense Masturbation Month in the Melton household! For the next four weeks THAT should be a reality show.

DM: Heh.

DT: Lindsay has bigger obstacles in her way right now. She’s survived half the field. It’s down to two more that she has to beat BOTH HIROSHI AND STEVENS CHARGE! Troy rolls out of the way between them! TROY LEAPS, DOUBLE MONKEY FLIP! The World Champion quickly to the middle turnbuckle! DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! [MARK!] This place is going nuts! Troy to the opposite turnbuckle!

DM: CROSSBODY! But she’s caught! Ha!

MN: They’re going to double team the [censor]! We’ve gone Gonzo on PPV!

DT: DOUBLE BACKBREAKER! And they pick Troy back up! DOUBLE FALLAWAY SLAM! [MARK!] [CUTTO: Hiroshi and Stevens doing the Fresh Prince and Jazzy J handshake.] Hiroshi directing traffic….I know what’s coming.

DM: What do you mean you’ve seen this?

MN: It’s a rerun.

DM: What’s a rerun?

DT: Shut up! Standing leg scissors by Trip! Hiroshi to the top rope! Somehow they managed NOT to break Troy’s neck the first time. There’s no way they won’t here! TROY UP! How is this fair?

MN: It’s not. And?

DT: TROY KICKS OUT! SHE’S DOWN! Trip got careless and Lindsay seized the moment! BACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK BODY DROP! [CUTTO: Trip going head over heels, his legs kicking the turnbuckle causing Kin to fall and rack himself over the turnbuckle] [MARK!] Lindsay bought herself more time there! She springs to the middle rope, then climbs to the top turnbuckle where Hiroshi sits!

DM: I think she’s got him!

DT: SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP! [MARK!] [CUTTO: Trip groggily getting to his feet.] SUPERPLEX! TROY TWO BIG STEPS….SLACK KNIFE! SLACK KNIFE! SLACK KNIFE! [MARK!! MARK!] She just dropped Triple X with Troy Windam’s move!

MN: Still selling him even after he’s gone! That’s selling power!

DT: Jones counts the pin…[MARK!] ONE…………TWO……….

DM: Hiroshi nowhere in sight!

DT: THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [MARK!] Lindsay Troy has just eliminated Sean Stevens! [MARK!]

[CUTTO: Troy kicking Trip out of the ring, and falling against the ropes, gassed, bloodied and with the guilt of Melton’s elimination covering her!]

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen, “Triple X” Sean Stevens has been eliminated by LINDSAY TROY! [MARK!]

MN: They were supposed to double team her more! Do I have to coach these idiots to greatness?

DT: Look at Troy, she’s spent! Hiroshi as well! [CUTTO: Kin in the opposite corner, doubled over.] They’ve risked it all for the right to walk out of the United Center as WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION and both still have that chance! Both players gingerly walking towards each other… listen to this place!

[FAST PAN OF A DELIRIOUS UNITED CENTER]

DM: This the moment Kin Hiroshi has spent his whole life dreaming of. Well, professionally life anyway, I’ve seen detailed storyboard of his personal dreams and they’re disturbing at best.

MN: Did you see the one with the turtle and hair pin?

DT: After more than twenty-five minutes, Hiroshi and Troy lock up in the center of the ring! Collar-and-elbow tie-up! It’s Hiroshi with control! Troy pushes him across the ring into the ropes, and fires him off….Kin off the ropes, DROPKICK THAT MISSES BY TROY! LEAPING ELBOW DROP BY KIN! NOBODY HOME! [MARK!] [CUTTO: Both players leaping right up to their feet in one move.] [MARK!]

MN: I’m still waiting on Joey Melton to walk back in and be a MAN.

[CUTTO: Tie-up!]

DM: We’re waiting on you to move out of your mother’s house and become a man.

DT: Hiroshi again with control! He screws the lock in tighter! Pin fall or submission. It’ll take either to go home with the Gold. BACK DROP BY TROY! But, Hiroshi hangs on! [CUTTO: Kin’s face. A small cut above his left eye. Sweat POURING off his face. Determination wearing him like a mask.] Troy to her knees…then feet! BACK DROP AGAIN! AND AGAIN KIN HANGS ON!

MN: There’s nowhere to run for Lindsay Troy! No mask to suddenly pull off! I know there’s a lot of men back there that wouldn’t mind, or haven’t minded laying down for her…but Kin Hiroshi…you know, if it takes the “Muffin Man” to restore order, so be it.

DT: Troy again up…BACK-NO! Kin with a short right hand! Kin with ANOTHER! Hiroshi quick standing leg scissors, powers Troy up, LINDSAY SLIPS OUT! INSIDE CRADLE! ONE….TWO….NO! [MARK!] A second away from retaining her title! Hiroshi up and backs Troy into the ropes, FIRES her across the ring, LEAPFROG! Off the ropes, LEAPFROG! OFF THE ROPES…CROSS BODY BY TROY!

DM: Kin out before a pin attempt!

DT: Troy kick to Kin’s gut! SWINGING NECKBREAKER! [MARK!] She considers pinning but goes to the top rope again! [MARK!] It’s hit or miss here! Troy perched, ready….can Kin counter? LINDSAY….OHHHH…SOMERSAULT CORKSCREW LEG DROP! [MARK!] THE COVER! ONE….TWO….THRE-NO!!! NO! Hiroshi BARELY gets up! [MARK!]

MN: That a boy Kin! Like a man! Fight it!

DM: Everyone thought it was over Dave, I did as well. Hiroshi fighting for the moment. His moment.

[CUTTO: Troy calling for and receiving a chair.]

DT: Lindsay staggering around the ring, unsure what to do next….she leaps on the middle rope, Armenian leg drop with the chair, no! Hiroshi moves! He was at Troy’s mercy! The Champ taking a little bit more time than necessary, but who can blame her? She’s battled five men in a half-hour! Both players up….KIN ONE-ARM LEAPING TORNADO DDT! [MARK!]

MN: That’s it! YES!!!

DT: Kin covers, Pat Jones counts……..ONE…[crowd counts too] TWO….TH-NO! Lindsay foot on the bottom rope! [Crowd laughs and high-fives each other.] Hiroshi on his feet, Troy as well….into the corner. Kin, with a left hand! IRISH WHIP OUT OF THE CORNER! And Lindsay hits HARD against the turnbuckle! HIROSHI CHARGING, CROSSBODY INTO THE CORNER! [MARK!] Kin went up and over the ropes, nearly falling out of the ring! But he held on! And now, as Troy is down Kin climbs to the top! [MARK!]

DM: This is the moment! Right here! Whatever Hiroshi has in the bag, he needs to bring it out!

MN: Release us from this cloud that’s hovered over EPW for the last year Hiroshi!

DT: KIN….OFF THE TOP… [MARK!] ASAI MOONSAULT! [CUTTO: Troy moving, AND Kin seeing it in time to land on his FEET!] [MARK!]

MN: YES!

DT: Troy on her feet…she doesn’t know….her back’s turned…Hiroshi ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE BACK OF THE NECK! [CUTTO: Troy grabs her neck again and doubles over, but remains on her feet.] I don’t he got all of it!

MN: But it was enough baby!

[CUTTO: Lindsay staggering back slowly into Kin.]

DT: Kin has Troy, spins her around…CANADIAN DESTROYER? [CUTTO: Kin trying to sunset flip Troy, but Lindsay blocks and doesn’t let Kin go over. When Hiroshi lands back on his feet, Troy lands..] A DESERPATION SLACK KNIFE! [MARK! MARK!] LINDSAY FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! She falls on him! ONE…………TWO………THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

MN: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

[CUTTO: The crowd EXPLODING.]

DT: Lindsay’s done it! She’s done it again!

DM: With a brilliant counter move!

DT: Hiroshi had no idea it was coming! [DM: Neither did Troy…]

TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen the winner of the match, and STILL EPW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, ‘THE QUEEN OF THE RING” LINDSAY TROYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

MN: Oh it figures.

DT: What’s this?? Sean Stevens is back!!! He’s in the ring and he WAFFLES THE HELL OUT OF LINDSAY TROY WITH A CHAIR!! The champ is down!

MN: That’s what I’m talkin’ about!!

DM: Where’s Melton?? There he is!!

DT: Melton in to help…Stevens ducks a right hand and knocks the holy hell out of Joey Melton as well!!! Melton out on the outside and Sean Stevens is laughing his head off looking down at Lindsay Troy!!!

DM: What’s that he just said to her?

DT: I’m getting word he said ‘I told you I’d be the last man standing’. Well, he didn’t get the World Title but he did fulfill his promise. How digusting.

MN: Serves her right.

[Stevens now headed back up the ramp and through the curtain as the crowd starts to chant ‘LIND SAY LIND SAY LIND SAY’. Troy manages to start pulling herself to her feet to a deafening roar.]

MN: I wish all these people would just shut up and stop chanting this girl's name! It's only going to make her big head grow even more!

DT: The crowd on their feet, Lindsay Troy grabs the ropes... SLINGSHOT FLIP TO THE FLOOR AND ON HER FEET! IS THERE ANYTHING SHE CAN'T DO?

DM: I've seen a lot of athletes in my day, but I don't think I can remember any athlete as good as Lindsay Troy!! And after the beating she just took!!

[The crowd starts chanting more... LIND SAY LIND SAY repeatedly. Lindsay slowly pulls herself up on the railing. Then a weird staticy noise erupts in the arena, followed by the unmistakable voice of...]

DT: Who... who is singing?

MN: THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE MICHAEL BOLTON! YES! IT'S MICHAEL BOLTON! THAT'S WHEN I'M BACK ON MY FEET AGAIN! I START EVERY MIX TAPE WITH THIS SONG! [Awkward pause.]

DM: Uhm... uh...

DT: I will not be touching that one... but look at the stands! Their appear to be some sort of... mimes running around?

[Various female mimes -- dressed exactly as Lindsay Troy, except their faces painted in white. Each mime is holding a dayglo green glow stick, doing various lyrical interpretative dances, many holding ribbons. Gold glitter drops from the cieling as a spotlight goes crazy.]

DT: There appears to be some sort of logistical mix-up. I'm not sure if the Cirque De Soleil is performing here tomorrow night, but this isn't certainly part of our show.

DM: While I certainly never had to deal with this in my career, staying focused is the name of the game. That's what makes champions.

MN: But it's pretty hard to stay focused when female mimes are juggling knives.

DT: Now what's this... there's someone on the roof! It's another mime! This one is masked and... this mime WEARING A TUXEDO is riding a ZIP CHORD DOWN FROM THE CEILING! RIGHT TOWARDS LINDSAY TROY!

DM: I thought these head games were finally coming to an end!

DT: Lindsay Troy is staring up at this... this mime coming down from the cieling, gesturing to this figure! OH NO! SOMEONE JUST GRABBED HER FROM BEHIND! ANOTHER MIME IS ATTACKING LINDSAY TROY!

MN: This is the strangest thing I have ever seen!

DT: Lindsay is fighting this mime off... what's that smell? THAT MIME HAS A RAG TO LINDSAY TROY'S FACE! THAT SMELLS LIKE AN ETHER RAG! LINDSAY TROY IS PASSING OUT! NOW THAT FIGURE IS OFF THE ZIP CHORD! AND... A GIANT MIME JUST HOPPED THE RAILING! AND HE GRABS LINDSAY TROY OVER HIS SHOULDER! NOW THESE THREE MIMES ARE KIDNAPPING LINDSAY TROY!

DM: I just wish we could see a wrestling match now and then...

DT: THEY'RE HIGHTAILING IT TO THE BACK!

[The camera cuts to the back arena. The mime on the zip chord goes to a netted off area that reads MIMES ONLY. He unzips the net and runs in. The smaller mime runs in next, and then the big mime drops Lindsay Troy hard onto the concrete. She is coughing, barely conscious. The camera pans and reveals a homemade altar! The smaller mime is on top of the altar, and is tapping on a microphone.]

DT: And just when you thought it couldn't get more bizarre...

MIME #1: Religion, ladies and gentlemen, is the opiate of the masses! And since you all look like a bunch of HOMELESS STREET JUNKIES... you are going to see the religious ceremony of your lifetime!

MN: I RECOGNIZE THAT VOICE? WHO IS IT?

[The big mime has Lindsay Troy in a full-nelson, propping her up as she is still semi-conscious.]

MIME #1: Do you... Lindsay Troy... the UNPURE WHORE that you are... take your partner, the greatest icon in this sports history, in holy matrimony?

DT: THESE FOLKS ARE MARRYING OFF LINDSAY TROY! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON?

[The big mime shakes her head up and down yes.]

MIME #1: And do you... the man who is the most profitable wrestler in the history of EVER... take this unchaste disease nest to be your lawfully wedded wife?

MIME #2: I do!

MIME #1: Then by the powers vested in me... A RECENTLY ORDAINED MINISTER IN THE CHURCH OF THE ENTOURAGE --

DT: NOOOOO!

MIME: Pronounce you husband and wife... MISTER AND MISSES TROOOOY WINNNNDHAMMMMM!

[Troy rips off his mime get up and grabs Lindsay Troy by the chin. Troy then lays one on her -- a deep, forceful french kiss. Lindsay, held by the man who is now obviously THE MYSTERIOUS ZOLTAN, wakes up and spits right in Troy's face! Troy laughs and slaps her across the face.]

TROY: I always knew I'd have a wife who would like it rough! Well, Lindsay Troy Windham... I'm going to give it to you just how you like it!

[Zoltan picks Lindsay up in a full-nelson position and drops her right on her back. The Rev. August De La Rossi stands on the altar, poses like Jesus on the cross, and then does a SHOOTING STAR PRESS off of the altar right onto Lindsay.]

TROY: [cackling at the carnage at his feet.] Lindsay, when you discharge yourself from the hospital tomorrow morning, come meet me in my hotel suite... I like my egg whites fluffy, and I like my brides in French maid outfits!

DT V/O: I can’t believe what I just saw!!! Lindsay Troy is now Lindsay….Windham????

DM: We’re outta time, folks….see you on Aggression!! God help us!!

[Fade to copyright info – black.]