DT: Folks, we’ve been told we’re about to be joined by a special guest in the ring. This is not on the program for tonight, so I’ve got no idea what’s about to happen.

MN: Do you ever?

DT: Well, I….uhhh…

MN: Yessss!

DT: Dean, any clues as to who this might be?

DM: I’m in the dark as much as you are, Dave. My only guess is that it must be someone big, to interrupt the show unplanned.

DT: Well, let’s go to Tony Fatora, who may be the ONLY man in the auditorium to know who our mystery man is.

TF: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to welcome BACK to Empire Pro Wrestling…

MN/DM/DT: BACK?

[Fatora sets to continue talking, but his mic is cut and the arena goes completely black. There’s a buzz in the crowd, as the speakers remain silent and the lights pitch dark until…]

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

[Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir” plays as the crowd explodes in cheers. The lights in the arena come up to reveal a man walking through the curtain, wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a tan leather jacket. It’s…]

MN: Holy S#*T!!!! MEGATRON’S BACK!!!!!

DT: Troy Douglas, former number one contender to the World Heavyweight Title, is apparently back! Dean, we’ve seen neither hide nor hair of Troy for almost nine months!

DM: Last I’d heard, he was taking some more time off for his injuries, but considering the state he was in when he walked out of this place, I don’t think any of us expected to see this guy back in an EPW ring.

DT: Well, Dean, he certainly is back here at the United Center for Unleashed, let’s hear what the man has to say.

[Cut to the center of the ring. Douglas has hung his jacket up over a ring post, and is standing mid-ring, microphone in hand.]

DOUGLAS: Bet you didn’t expect to see my sorry ass around these parts again, huh?

[Crowd cheers]

DOUGLAS: I’ve gotta say, if you asked me six months ago, I wouldn’t have believed it either. You see, when I walked away last year, I had every intention of never coming back. Six years ago, I committed myself to the asylum that is this business, and night after night for FIVE YEARS, I pushed an already banged-up body to its absolute limit.

I’ve been through hell during those five years, both in and out of the ring. But last summer, I finally reached my breaking point. All my loss, all my pain, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get away.

So I left. For how long? Well, I never told my employers, my colleagues or my friends, but when I pulled off the road last year, I meant it to be the end. Hell, I was only 29, I’ve got other skills, right? I could move on to a life besides what I do in this ring, right?

Apparently not.

I tried leaving, and it made everything worse. I had no place to let go of my anger, to vent my frustrations, and all the pains of my past consumed me like they never had before. I became a shell of a man, stuck in a room, shunning society like some kind of hermit.

Thankfully, I got help, from people whose names I don’t need to mention, but who helped me learn that I did not have to bear the cross for everyone I’ve ever known and cared about. My mother, my father, the love of my life, all taken far too soon, and I piled on their legacies as a burden on top of my own.

It very nearly killed me. And believe me, it came close, a couple of times in fact, to me ending it all myself.

But that’s not who I am anymore. I still honor those close to me who have passed, but I don’t live with their expectations anymore. My life is my own, and what I realized when I was holed up is that my life isn’t complete without what I do here, in this ring.

So folks, I contacted Dan Ryan, and we struck a deal.

So it’s official. There’s no getting rid of me this time, I AM BACK!

[Crowd pops]

DOUGLAS: I’m back, and this time, I intend to stick around for the long haul. But I’m not here just to beat up on the lower rungs of EPW talent. I’m here to take what Dan Ryan tried his hardest to keep out of my grasp.

The EPW World Heavyweight Title.

I spent almost eighteen months right at the top of this company, always this close to being number one. But never close enough, and never, ever right at the very top. I left here unfulfilled, unable to realize the one dream that has evaded me for an entire career, to stand atop a promotion as its World Champion, to validate what I’ve done, what I’ve been through, everything that I’ve sacrificed.

That’s why I’m back. To make that dream a reality. This time around, no matter how long it takes, no matter who I have to go through, I’m taking that title. I don’t care what my opponents may think of me. They can call me washed-up, not committed enough, anything they want.

When it comes right down to it, in this ring I’m still as good as anyone there is in this business right now. And that includes the six competitors in tonight’s main event.

Karl…

Sean…

Kin…

Joey…

Beast…

And our esteemed World Champion, Lindsay Troy. Sure, all of you deserve to be right where you are tonight, but remember that, whichever one of you makes it out of tonight as champion, and I don’t give a damn which one of you it is, I’m waiting for you. We may not meet tomorrow, the next day, the next week, or even the next month, but someday soon enough, you’ll have to reckon with me.

So please, whichever one of you six wins tonight, enjoy it, celebrate it, but know that in time, you’ll have to face a man who’s very LIFE depends on the title that’s around your waist.

I’ll see you soon. G’night folks, and enjoy the rest of the show.

I’ll be watching closely.

[Douglas drops the mic, salutes the crowd, and exits the ring silently, heading back up the ramp to the backstage area.]

DT: Well guys, we've seen one hell of a card so far, and the best is yet to come. The World Championship match is on the other side of this affair, but this ain't no "crowd control match."

DM: Nope, we gon' rage... IN THE CAGE! WOOOO!

MN: You guys are such fanboys. This is only going to be a formality. Shawn Hart is going to crush, and I mean, brutalize JA tonight. The cage will only hasten that.

DM: Hasten, Neels? Did you look on dictionary-dot-com in between matches on your laptop with the Pentium IV processor.

[The annoying Pentium doodad plays.]

MN: You've reached new lows, Dean.

DM: Not really. Remember the time I had Duke, the Bush Baked Beans dog, join commentary?

MN: No, I had just put that out of my memory, along with the stench of Big Loafy's armpits and the Carter Administration.

DM: Wow, someone's fiesty tonight. Did you take your brain pills?

DT: Boys, settle down.

TF: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and is a STEEL CAGE SUBMISSIONS MATCH!

[Cue up "The Imperial March." Enter Shawn Hart, Tiny and Felicia Hart to massive heel heat.]

TF: Introducing first, flanked by his sister Felicia and bodyguard Tiny, he weighs in at two-hundred twenty-four pounds, hailing from Orlando, Florida... he is the PHENOM... SHAWN... HAAAAAARRRRRRT~!

DT: Well, here comes the Hart entourage, making their way to the ring.

[Hart looks paranoidally at the crowd, while Tiny slaps potential gropers away from Felicia.]

MN: Could you be any more boring introducing the greatest wrestler this side of the Rio Bravo?

DM: Well, I'll give him his due for being a good techie and such, but dude, he also may be dating his sister.

MN: Lies!

[Hart enters the cage. Referee David Rosenkrantz tells his entourage to go to the back.]

DT: Accusations of incest aside there Dean, there's no doubt that Hart has his quirks, although it looks like two big quirks he relies on are being sent back.

MN: This is an outrage! This is a steel cage match, there's no way they'll be able to interfere!

DT: Neels, this is the year Why-Two-Kay-Six. We're not stupid. Well, maybe you are.

[Cue up "Eat the Rich." The crowd goes noo-cu-ler as Jericoholic Anonymous and Lollipop step out from the back.]

TF: And his opponent, weighing in at two-hundred fifteen and three-eighths pounds, hailing from Philadelphia and being accompanied by his fiancée, Lollipop... he is the Anglo Luchador... Jericoholic... AAAAANONNNNYMOUUUUUUUUSSSS~!

DT: Listen to that ovation for the Anglo Luchador!

[Unnoticed by the announcers, Felicia Hart makes a flippant gesture to JA and Lolli. Lolli responds by sticking her tongue out at her as she and Tiny are escorted out by security.]

MN: I'm listening, alright, and I think I'm gonna hurl.

DM: Why, Neels, because you ate some bad seafood?

MN: No, be...

DM: [interrupting] Because I'm sure the fact that the fans actually connect with a charismatic wrestler who's actually friendly to them and all couldn't make anyone nauseous, even someone like you, right Neels?

MN: Way to kill my buzz... and another thing, if they're throwing Tiny and Felicia out of here, they better throw that stupid Valley girl out too.

DT: Well, it looks like our official, David Rosenkrantz, is telling her to leave, but I could understand if he didn't.

MN: Why would you? He threw Hart's peeps out! Fairness!

DM: Yeah, he threw them out because they do nothing but wreak havoc. Lolli minds her own business. Plus she's hot.

MN: And Felicia isn't?

DM: Well, let's just say if I wanted to look at crackwhores, I'd watch The Simple Life.

MN: Take that back!

DT: Guys! Keep it down, or else I'll start calling everything the greatest event in the history of our sport.

DM: Well look who went out and got a sense of humor.

[JA enters the ring. Rosenkrantz orders the door shut.]

DT: Never let it be known that I don't try.

[DING DING DING]

DT: And we're off. The two... this feud has gone on for so long, even with the break in between, but you can cut the hate between the two with a knife.

MN: Overused wrestling cliché number three-forty-one.

DT: Well it's true! Look at them, just staring each other down. I don't know who wants to make the first move.

DM: Looks like Hart will.

[Shawn Hart... extends a hand?]

DM: And I don't think I'd trust him.

DT: Neither would I, not as far as I could throw him.

MN: Why not? Shawn Hart is a very reputable, sportsmanship-oriented young man.

DM: Sure, and I'm the king of Narnia.

MN: But you're not a lion... I'm confused.

[JA looks out into the crowd to gauge their response to Hart's gesture.]

DT: I wouldn't do it, JA. He's kidnapped your girlfriend and assaulted you.

[JA extends his hand slowly.]

DM: Don't do it! It's a trap! He's gots them nuculer weapons!

MN: Hush Dean! This is sportsmanship!

[JA leans in further, putting his hand just up to Hart's hand when Hart jerks it away, making the "I'm smooth" running his hand through his hair motion.]

DT: See! I told you!

MN: Haha, this is great!

DM: What happened to sportsmanship, anyway Neels?

MN: It's overrated.

DT: JA does not like this one bit, and I wouldn't either. Lunges in and Hart just swats him away like a fly.

[Hart with a lariat to JA, which sends the Anglo Luchador down to the canvas.]

DM: It's almost as if Hart was expecting JA to react that way.

MN: Because JA is stupid!

DM: No, because he's human...

DT: And Hart, relentless here, goes right down and applies a chinlock on JA. Not wasting any time, is he?

HART: TAP! TAP YOU SON OF A BITCH!

[Hart keeps shouting for JA to tap while he has the hold locked in.]

DM: No, he's not, and while he's not going to get the tap he wants, he is going to wear JA out.

DT: Good point Dean. JA's in the ropes now... c'mon ref, he's not breaking the hold!

MN: It's a steel cage match! No rope breaks!

[Hart exhausts the five count while Neels and Dean-o are bantering.]

DM: No, it's a caged submissions match. Rope breaks still apply. So neener-neener-noonie-noo.

MN: Stop making faces at me!

DT: Stop it, or else you both will get no cool refreshing Surge after the match... err, I mean dessert. But Hart is looking like he wants dessert, because he's relentless here, clubbing JA before he could even get up. Now he's stomping him, just punishing him. This isn't going well for the Anglo Luchador at all in the early going.

MN: Of course not, Shawn Hart is a wily, wily bastard, and JA's a moron.

[Hart bounces off the ropes.]

DT: I wouldn't go that far. They're both cagey veterans...

DM: And Hart with the imitation of another cagey veteran with that leg drop.

MN: How dare you compare someone as great as Shawn Hart to that roided orange goblin?

DM: [sighs]

DT: Oh jeez, Hart showing more disrespect to JA by just treading on his face.

MN: No disrespect. He's just giving JA the Big Ben plastic surgery.

DT and DM: ...

MN: Too soon?

DT: [ignoring Neels] Hart back to work with that chinlock, and once again, he's shouting for JA to tap out.

MN: He should! JA has proven that he's no match for Shawn Hart. Just tap already you masked freak!

DM: It's only been two minutes tops, Neels.

MN: That's how good El Hombre Magnifico is! He only needs two minutes!

DT: Not really, because JA's in the ropes again, and again, Hart taking severe liberties with the ref's five count.

MN: Oh c'mon, you get five seconds before you have to get off. It's okay.

DM: Five seconds before you get off? Do you like that because it reminds you of your honeymoon?

MN: Shut up!

DT: Hart finally wrangled off of the Anglo Luchador here by Dave Rosenkrantz and finally, JA has some time to breathe.

DM: No he doesn't.

DT: You're right, Hart is being relentless tonight, shoving off Rosenkrantz and getting right back on JA like a pitbull.

MN: Overused wrestling cliché number two-sixty-eight.

DM: What in the hell are you on about...

DT: Swinging neckbreaker from Hart!

MN: It's in my handbook.

DT: I don't think I want to know. Hart picks JA right back up and another swinging neckbreaker.

DM: Really working the head and neck of JA over here.

DT: And he's not done yet, here comes a third... no! NO! JA just elbowed Hart in the solar plexus! JA shoots right next to Hart... side Russian leg sweep, JA's a house on fire!

MN: We don't need no water, let the mother...

DM and DT: FAMILY SHOW!

MN: ...father burn!

DT: Amazing! And now JA just segued into that camel clutch right from the sweep!

MN: Yeah, why don't you extend the courtesy of a reacharound the way you're all over him.

DM: And that's different from your Hart worship how?

[JA starts yelling for Hart to tap.]

DT: Guys, pay attention. Now JA's calling for Hart to tap.

MN: Not even close! Hart's just stunned, that's all.

DM: Turnabout's fair play, Neels.

MN: Nothing JA ever does is fair play.

DT: That's not true. I'm sure if Hart got to the ropes, JA would break before Rosenkrantz counted five.

MN: That's got nothing to do with fairness and has everything to do with JA being a wuss.

[JA breaks the hold.]

MN: See? He couldn't even hold onto Hart in a simple camel clutch!

DM: You know the name of a move... astounding Neels, absolutely enthralling.

MN: Shut up.

DT: I think JA knows that this match is far from over. He's grabbing Hart and... LOW BLOW! Right in front of the referee! Disqualify him!

MN: I don't think so, Skeeee-a-vonie Junior. This is a submissions match. The only way you win is by submission.

DM: Sadly, Neels is right. But look at it this way, given his average, we've got another nine-hundred-ninety-nine thousand nine-hundred-ninety-nine times before he's right again.

[Hart drags JA to his feet and DDTs him.]

DT: Textbook DDT, and yeah Dean, I guess I can take solace in that.

MN: Anymore cracks like that and I'm ripping one, right here, right now. And I ate Mexican tonight too, so it'll be rank.

DM: That's just vile, Neels.

DT: Indeed, and now Hart back to the chinlock.

DM: And if you notice, it's sans taunting. JA serving up a heaping helping of humble pie.

MN: Yeah yeah, but who's the one who's getting his neck wrenched right now?

DT: It's definitely JA, although he gets to the ropes again. You'd think Hart would position him a little closer to the middle of the ring.

DM: Not that it matters anyway, seeing as he's always taking the five second liberty.

MN: You act like it's cheating.

DT: That's because anything past five seconds IS cheating.

MN: Semantics, semantics.

DT: Hart finally lets go but doesn't let up. Axehandles to the back of the neck, three, four, five... absolutely brutalizing the former
Intercontinental Champion. JA rolls over on his belly, but that's not going to stop the attack.

[Hart stomps on the back of JA's neck.]

MN: That isn't going to make someone like Hart stop. He's smelled blood, and possibly Lollipop's panties. He's not stopping now.

DM: Dude, that was gross. Not true and gross.

DT: I concur. Hart lines up JA's neck, off the ropes and knee! Knee right to the back of JA's neck and that can't feel good.

MN: Duh.

DT: JA is not in a good way here, and Hart knows it. He's got JA up by the nape of his neck...

MN: Nape? Don't make Hart sound so gay!

DM: He's a borderline homo though...

DT: WHOA!

[Hart with the reverse DDT.]

DT: What impact on that move! JA's brain is rattling in his head right now.

MN: JA has no brain, and secondly, Dean, that's slander! Take it back.

DM: You have a better chance of me not shilling Cracker Barrel in the next five minutes.

MN: You know, you're getting really lazy.

DM: Yep, lazy enough to sit back on a Sunday afternoon and have brunch at Cracker Barr...

DT: I hate to interrupt your commercial there Dean...

[Hart puts JA in a Dragon sleeper.]

DM: You owe me five thousand dollars for butting in on that spot.

DT: Ahem... I said I hate to interrupt, but Hart's got JA in a different submission hold now.

DM: FINALLY! That chinlock almost put me to sleep.

MN: That's because you don't recognize good old-school when you see it.

DT: Nothing old-school about this hold, but it's effective. JA looks like he's fading a little bit, and now Hart is barking something at referee David Rosenkrantz.

DM: I think he wants the ref to check if JA's out.

DT: Still kinda early in the match for that, but he's complying. JA's hand goes up, and it stays up.

MN: He's on roids! Dee-Kyoo him!

DM: Shut up Neels...

[THUMP!]

DT: Hart having none of it, dropping JA to the canvas with a Dragon sleeper reverse DDT!

DM: Hart punishing the crap out of JA right now.

MN: And I called it. I've been calling it. JA's a bum and he's not in Hart's league.

[Hart picking JA back up to his feet.]

DM: Well whoop-de-do, good for you. This match is still far from over.

DT: You're right about that Dean! JA just blocked a punch from Hart and sent one his way! JA with another right hand...

MN: Closed fist! Closed fist!

[Three more punches from JA over the announcers' banter.]

DM: You said it yourself Neels, there's nothing anyone can do about it. Submissions only, and I for one am loving it seeing Hart get some of his own medicine.

DT: That he is, and now JA's off the ropes, Hart punch drunk and... HART TO THE CANVAS after that chop block!

MN: Cheap shot! Cheap shot!

DM: You'd know that, wouldn't you Neels?

[JA hooks Hart in a single leg crab.]

MN: Hey... shut up.

DM: No, I'm not. Hart bends the rules all the time, and you yummy down on his mansac like it was cotton candy, but JA takes the liberties and he's the most evil person ever. Eff that.

DT: Well, I have to take Neels' side here, at least partially. That was a low move from JA, and he's usually above that.

DM: Oh, don't puss out on me Dave. He's giving Hart a taste of his own medicine.

DT: Well I agree with that, but I still don't think it's right. No need for JA to stoop to his opposition's level.

MN: Yeah! You tell 'em Dave.

DT and DM: Shut up, Neels.

[Hart gets to the ropes.]

MN: Don't tell me to sh...

DT: [interrupting] Hart's up, but JA catches him with a hard knife edge chop to the chest!

CROWD: WHOOOO!

DT: And another!

CROWD: WHOOO!

DT: And an... NO! NO!

[JA fakes a chop, Hart flinches and JA, with the clear shot, dropkicks Hart in the knee.]

DT: JA just faked Shawn Hart right out of his wrestling boots!

DM: Your boyfriend's in trouble, Neels. JA is taking out his wheels. Setting him up for the Walls.

MN: Oh please, his rip-off move isn't going to do any harm.

[JA stomps on Hart's legs.]

DM: If he keeps doing that, it will.

DT: Now it's JA's turn to be merciless and relentless, only he's attacking Hart's legs. He's got Hart by the legs and...

[JA with a wishbone leg split on Hart.]

DM: Make a wish!

DT: Hart's split and he doesn't know where to hold!

MN: This is an outrage! How dare this masked freak break the rules like...

DM: Shut up, Neels.

MN: Make m...

DT: [interrupting] JA now wrapping Hart up in that submission hold, once again, working the lower body.

DM: That's an inverted Indian deathlock, Dave. With a BRIDGE~!

MN: Look at you, Mr. Smarty Pants.

DM: Hey, it's part of the job.

DT: Hart looks like he's in pain, wincing.

MN: Well, if you were being wrangled illegally...

DM: What's so illegal about an inverted Indian deathlock...

DT: Hart's in the ropes, JA breaks the hold. And Neels, I agree with Dean, I wanna know what's so bad about that hold.

MN: Well... uhhh...

DT: JA once again, showing no mercy. This is a different JA from the one we saw at Russian Roulette, the hesitant one afraid of attacking an injury.

[JA drags Hart to his feet from his refuge in the ropes.]

DM: But he didn't have a reason to hate Cross then.

DT: Still though, he's attacking the injury.

[JA with the dragon screw.]

DT: See there, attacking the spot, going for the easy submission.

DM: Yeah, those dragon screw leg whips... that's the second one in succession.

DT: He's got Hart up for a third one... no! The Phenom blocks it,
enzugiri... NO! JA ducks!

MN: But Hart landed on his feet! He's got catlike reflexes...

DT: Hart turns around... JA grabs him by the legs! Hart to the canvas! Could we see the Walls here?

DM: If he is, this might be over.

DT: He's rocking back... CATAPULT! CATAPULT! JA just catapulted Hart into the cage!

MN: Not fair! Not...

[Silence.]

DT: Did you cut his mic?

DM: Yep.

DT: Thanks.

MN: You bastards!

DT: Hehe... JA's looming over Hart as the Phenom rolls on the canvas. HE's over Hart, leaning over... WHAT THE HELL?

MN: CUBAN NIPPLE CRISIS! CUBAN NIPPLE CRISIS!

DM: Where in the hell...

DT: Hart rising to his feet, that Purple Nurple cinched in, JA looks like he's in agony.

DM: He's got his nipple, of course he's in agony.

DT: Hart's got that hold locked in and... NO! JA swats Hart's arm away, breaking the hold... OH MY! Hart right out of the break loaded up with El Codo Explosivo! That spinning elbow just knocked JA for a loop!

MN: This is awesome!

DM: I'll pull the plug on your mic again.

DT: Settle down! Hart's got JA's arm and whips him into the corner. Hart saunters in, what's he going to do?

DM: Some kind of top rope move. Either that or he's going to do something really homoerotic.

MN: You wish, Dean.

DT: Hart perches JA up on the top rope, I think we're going to see a superplex. He's got JA hooked and back... NO! JA blocks it! Hart tries again, but JA blocks it again. They're struggling...

MN: No!!

DM: Yes!!

DT: JA's pushing forward and he's got Hart...

[Wheeee... CRASH!]

DT: OH MY LORD! OH MY LORD! I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW! JERICOHOLIC ANONYMOUS JUST GAVE SHAWN HART A BACKBREAKER OFF THE TOP ROPE!

DM: Holy Jebus... that was amazing.

DT: Hart is broken on the canvas! JA to his feet, I don't even think HE believes what he just did! He's looking to the crowd...

MN: Probably because he feels kindred spirits with those morons!

DT: He's grabbing Hart by the legs... Walls of Jericoholic! Walls of Jericoholic! He's got that elevated crab locked in tight!

DM: This match is as good as over...

MN: No it's not! Hart's close enough to the ropes, he can get there!

DT: He's reaching, but I don't know if he's got enough fight after that super backbreaker...

DM: If that was in a regular match, the pinfall would have been academic, but because this is a submissions match, he might have some time, oddly enough.

DT: Hart reaching for the ropes, one last grasp... he's... he's... TAPPING! Shawn Hart is tapping out! Rosenkrantz calls for the bell!

[DING DING DING!]

[Crowd pops, JA breaks the hold.]

TF: Here is your winner.... JAAAAAAAAYYYEEEE.... AAAAAAAAAYEEEEE!!

DT: JA has done it!! He’s finally rid himself of that monkey on his back and put Shawn Hart down with a decisive win!!

DM: Great match, guys! You just can’t ask for much more than that.

DT: Folks, we’ll be back right after this with the World Tag Team Championship!! Don’t go away!!.

NEXT