[CUTTO: Back LIVE! at Giants Stadium. Our faithful narrators, Dave Thomas, Mike Neely, and Dean Matthews ready themselves for the nightcap.]
DT: Welcome back fans! It's MAIN EVENT time!
MN: I'm sure they're cheering at home, Dave. Why wouldn't they be? So you can cure the fake excitement for this match. It doesn't translate well.
DT: No, this is really me excited.
DM: Let me see the face again. [Thomas deadpans]
MN: What's your expression for, "Dear lord I just turned into oncoming traffic. We're all going to die."
DT: A little more upbeat, but not much.
DM: Yikes.
DT: Giants stadium has been rocking tonight boys. What a great show, and now it's time for a match that's bound to be worth the price of admission alone. A scene months in the making.
MN: You're right I haven't seen a Jersey crowd this hype since Def Leppard toured through here in '06 with Foreigner and Styx, and the other two bands were ripping at Rick Allen's arm in efforts to sacrifice it on an altar to the Rock Gods for more group success. My ears were starting to bleed so regrettably I couldn't stay until the end to see how it all played out. But, you know, let's hope the freak's not eating with his toes.
DM: That was...odd.
DT: At WRESTLEVERSE Dean, Lindsay Troy shocked the world. In a match STILL being written about on the Internet Lindsay defeated Troy Windham to retain the title, and win her outright divorce. But, from whom?
[CUTTO: WRESTLEVERSE II. Troy Windham vs. Lindsay Troy.]
DT: RIGHT HAND BY LINDSAY TROY! SHE'S ON THE TOP RUNG AS WELL! THAT PUNCH ROCKS WINDHAM AWAY FROM THE CASE! ANOTHER RIGHT! AND A LEFT!
CROWD [after every punch]: LINDZ! LINDZ! LINDZ! LINDZ!
DT: RIGHT! LEFT!
DM: RIGHT! LEFT!
DT: RIGHT! NO! A THUMB TO THE EYE! A DESPERATION CHEAP SHOT BY TROY WINDHAM!
MN: I hope Irishred leaves that one in there!
DT: HE'S GOT TROY BY THE HAIR, NOW HE'S WAILING AWAY ON HER! RIGHT HANDS! HARD RIGHT HANDS!
DM: He's looking out into the crowd now, saying....SAYING HE'S GOING TO SLACKNIFE TROY OFF THE LADDER!
MN: YES! YES! A FITTING END! COME ON, TROY! PUT THE WOMAN IN HER PLACE ONCE AND FOR ALL!
DT: Windham's trying to get her hooked but NO! NO! ELBOW TO THE FACE! LINDSAY TROY ELBOWS WINDHAM IN THE FACE! AND WINDHAM FALLS DOWN A RUNG!
DM: All she's got to do is just reach up...
DT: SHE'S GOT HER HAND ON A CASE!
CROWD: [EXPLODES]
DT: TROY'S TRYING TO GET A CASE DOWN, BUT WINDHAM'S GOT AHOLD OF HER! SHE LIFTS HERSELF UP ON THE HOOK AND WRAPS HER LEGS AROUND WINDHAM'S NECK!
DM: Dave, I don't know if I can look...
MN: I know I can't!
DT: SHE'S GOT THE CASE IN HAND! SHE FLIPS BACKWARDS...FRANKENSTEINER! FRANKENSTEINER OFF THE LADDER!
[SFX: DING DING DING!]
Tony Fatora: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH: LINNNNNNNDSAAAAAYYYYYYY TRRRRRRROOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
DT: SHE DID IT! SHE DID IT! LINDSAY TROY HAS DEFEATED TROY WINDHAM, AND HAS DONE SO SOUNDLY!
MN: MY LIFE IS OVER! COMPLETELY OVER!
DM: Now...what's in the case?! Marriage license? Or the divorce papers?!
[CUT-TO: The ring, where both Lindsay Troy and Troy Windham are lying. Windham's clutching his neck, those chronic problems are coming back to haunt him now that this match is all said and done. Lindsay Troy, on the other hand, is clutching that briefcase for dear life, holding it against her chest like a newborn baby. She just lies on the canvas for a minute or two, listening to the crowd give her her well-deserved due. After a moment, she lifts her head up to the cheers of the crowd, and reaches her hand out to grab the ropes to drag herself into the corner.]
DT: Lindsay Troy can BARELY move here, folks. After that hellacious main event, I don't know how much more excitement we can pump into the night.
DM: That case's contents are either going to make or break her life.
[Troy places the briefcase on her thighs and slowly unlatches the top, lifting it open. Tony Fatora walks over to hand her his microphone but she shakes her head, producing a microphone of her own that was inside the briefcase. She takes a manila folder out as well, then tosses the case aside. With a nod and a hushed voice, she calmly asks Tony to give her some space.]
DT: Tony Fatora leaving the ring, now. Windham still hasn't moved from where he fell off the ladder. The crowd is still electric here.
DM: Lindsay just flipped the microphone on and looks out into the crowd, almost awaiting their approval.
CROWD: OPEN IT! OPEN IT! OPEN IT!
[Troy nods, takes another deep breath, and rips the top of the envelope open. She lifts the top of the document out of its hiding place, glancing at it briefly, then lets it fall face-down by her side.]
DT: What is it? What's it say?
MN [fingers crossed and his eyes closed]: Marriagelicensemarriagelicensemarriagelicensemarri agelicense....
[She raises the microphone to her lips, trying to hold a barrage of emotions in check.]
LT: It's.....the divorce papers!
CROWD: [MASSIVE EXPLOSION!]
DT: IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! LINDSAY TROY'S GOT THE DIVORCE PAPERS!
MN [like Anakin Skywalker at the end of Episode III]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DM: Would you listen to this crowd?! They're about to riot!
[CUT-TO: The EPW faithful, high-fiving each other, chest bumping, spilling beer and not even caring!]
DT: All this time, all this suffering that Troy Windham has put her through is FINALLY coming to an end! Lindsay Troy's got a grin on her face that's as wide as as the Sierra Nevada, and Troy Windham is finally starting to come to!
CROWD: SIGN THE PA-PERS! [clap clap clapclapclap] SIGN THE PA-PERS! [clap clap clapclapclap]
[CUTTO: A minute later in WRESTLEVERSE.]
LT: And now...
[She looks down at the envelope in her hand and draws the papers all the way out. Troy then reaches into the envelope and produces a pen.]
LT: There's only one thing left to be done.
[Troy starts slowly walking over to Windham, every step she takes carries an enormous burden. She's got one hand on the top rope to steady herself and as the distance between them shortens, so does Windham's fuse.
She stops over him and lets the pen fall into his lap. Windham stares at it, trying to fathom what he's contractually bound to do. After an agonizing moment, he takes the pen to hand.]
TW [somewhat inaudible, but the mic picks up enough]: Give me the ******* papers!
DT: He's going to sign them!
DM: He has to, Dave. He doesn't have a choice!
[Lindsay starts to lower the papers down to him, but stops.]
LT: This must really tear you up inside, Troy.
TW: **** you, harlot. Just give me the ******* document.
LT: I'd love to.
[She stoops down to one knee and leans in, close enough so Troy can feel her breath lap against his cheek.]
LT: But our marriage was never legal in the first place.
DT: What? What did...what did she just say?
LT: Y'see, Troy, [her voice starts to crack] these papers aren't for you.
[She pauses, and a stillness rapidly blankets the Staples Center.]
LT: They're for Joey Melton.
[A collective GASP! rises from the silence, the fans completely unsure of how to react. Did they really just hear her right? Did she just say...]
DM: They've been married THE WHOLE TIME? AND NO ONE KNEW?
MN: SHE JUST PLAYED EVERYONE AGAIN!
DT: I....I can't believe this. Lindsay Troy and Joey Melton, husband and wife, and now...now she wants out?!
[CUTTO: Back LIVE! In Giants Stadium for WRESTLESTOCK!]
DT: The divorce from MELTON not Windham. Every time I see it, I'm even more confused.
MN: Well that's not surprising, because you're a damn fool. Congratulations to Lindsay Troy she hid a marriage from the gossip rags and Dean's mother, but try as she like to paint Beast as the bad guy here, anybody who didn't think we'd end up here after her stunt is a fool.
DM: Mike's right. My mother had no idea she and Melton were hitched. I mean, it sends a good message to the straight edge teens, but I never saw Melton as the "I do" type.
MN: What about Troy? I remember when she broke into the business. The ***** had her dream wedding planned then. You get her drinking after shows and she'd sing like a canary about it. The white doves, the guest list, the type of man she'd have to marry, the roses, publicly calling out Hollywood's blacklisting of Danny Cooksley before the first toast as a couple. Its not surprising Melton wasn't good enough. No man could ever be!
DT: An obscure "Different Strokes" reference. Nice. Melton's been reluctant to face Troy in the past. Can he bring himself to give it his best here? Rumors have abounded about Joey's physical condition, not to mention his mental and emotional state leading up to WRESTLESTOCK. Is he in any shape to pull this off?
MN: Did you see the music video? Gutting really for any of us who grew up watching the man become a Saint.
DT: Well...
DM: He's been around since postal stamps were three cents. He can make it work. But the fact of the matter is Lindsay Troy is younger, in better shape, and cemented as EPW World Champion. Melton might be able to ***** slap her, and hey we all know it's needed, but Troy will retain.
DT: I guess I'm just fishing around for an answer to this question. Will Troy leave with Melton's balls?
DM: They're on her keychain Dave. They're on her keychain.
[MUSIC UP: "I Will Survive" - Gloria Gaynor.]
[LOUD pop from the fans.]
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
[CUTTO: Quick pan of the Stadium as fans dance and laugh. Really, does that tune ever get old?]
[CUTTO: Joey Melton stepping out from the entranceway. He’s covered in a white boxing robe. Melton waves to the crowd, red boxing gloves over his hands. As he makes the long walk down the aisle Joey jabs and uppercuts shadow boxing to the song.]
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
[CUTTO: Melton on the ring apron, boxing! He pushes back the hood to reveal a shorter haircut.]
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
DT: What ever happened to fading songs out?
MN: It’s PPV. Played in its entirety. Be thankful. Melton recorded a 20-minute version with new lyrics, but in light of the “Karate Kid” adaptation Ryan spared us.
DM: I actually wouldn’t have minded seeing that. I’m currently in a self-degradation phase.
DT: Melton certainly at first glance has come out, well, ready to go toe-to-toe with his ex-wife! Or soon to be ex-wife.
[LIGHTS OUT! The Stadium is in complete darkness.]
DT: And speak of the devil…
MN: Dave…
DT: I know. We’re all scared.
[MUSIC UP: “Trampled Underfoot" by Led Zeppelin]
CUE-UP: Earth shattering CHEERS!
Greased and slicked down fine, groovy leather trim
I like the way you hold the road, mama, it ain't no sin
Talkin' 'bout love
Trouble-free transmission, helps your oil's flow
Mama, let me pump your gas, mama, let me do it all
Talkin' 'bout love.
[CUTTO: Lindsay Troy, THE EPW World Heavyweight champion, steps out of the entrance way of GIANTS Stadium. The title belt strapped glorious around her waist, Lindsay listens to the crowd and wonders what it was ever like NOT to hear them. NOT to be the biggest star in the sport today.]
Dig that heavy metal underneath your hood
Baby, I could work all night, believe I've got the perfect tools
Talkin' 'bout love
A model built for comfort, really built with style
Specialist tradition, mama, let me feast my eyes
Talkin' 'bout love
Factory air-conditioned, heat begins to rise
Guaranteed to run for hours, mama it's a perfect size
Talkin' 'bout love
DT: Here comes the longest reigning EPW World Heavyweight champion in history! By the sound of this crowd, she’s won Jersey over!
MN: Dean did you ever think you’d see the day when a woman would accomplish anything in this sport other than a cheap thrill and double penetration?
DM: Yes.
Groovin' on the freeway, gauge is on the red
Gun down on my gasoline, I believe I'm gonna crack a head.
Talkin' 'bout love
I can't stop talkin' about...
Come to me for service every hundred miles
Baby, let me check your points, fix your overdrive
Talkin' 'bout love
[CUTTO: Lindsay strolling down the aisle, slapping hands with as many fans as she can. Troy has never forgotten. Never forgotten how hard she had to work to get there. How much harder she was to work than everyone else to stay here. The barriers that fought going down. The **** she endured trying to prove a woman can thrive in a man’s world fuels her. It’s pushed her to go further than most of her peers will ever go.]
Fully automatic, comes in any size
Makes me wonder what I did, before we synchronized
Talkin' 'bout love
Feather-light suspension, coils just couldn't hold
I'm so glad I took a look inside your showroom doors
Talkin' 'bout love
Oh, I can't stop talkin' about love.
[CUTTO: Troy on the ring apron, ready to tear another wall down! She's wearing black boots, black, shiny bootcut pants with gold lettering down the legs and a shirt that says, “Vegans Are Annoying" - found here
MN: Hey, Matthew’s mother is a Vegan.
DM: It all comes together now, huh?
DT: Troy in the ring! There’s a noticeable buzz in this crowd [MN: There’s a noticeable buzz in ME!]. The champ looks all business. She can hardly even look at Melton!
MN: I can hardly look at him, and I’m a fan! The lost respect…
DM: Was it, the video or being a kept man for the last couple of years?
MN: Yeah…you know, either/or gets you the teddy bear.
[CUTTO: The STEEL CAGE [Ohhhhh. Awwwww] being lowered! Fans GASP and HOOT!]
DT: Troy is no stranger to big matches. She’s become one of the biggest names in this business. Literally everywhere she wrestles, there’s tens of thousands. Flashbulbs. Celebrities in attendance.
DM: Joey Cheek is not a celebrity Thomas. He’s an ice skater from Greensboro. The last time the Winter Olympics mattered Neely’s mother had an airtight vagina.
MN: You wanna go! You wanna fight Matthews?
DT: Troy unsnaps the WORLD TITLE and glares at it. The blood, sweat, and tears she’s shed to hold on to that title. What a woman!
MN: How many times has Troy made Melton kiss the belt before he could get laid? [DT: Oh stop it] Come on, you know it wormed its way into foreplay. I’m sure Melton has had numerous shots at the EPW title since Troy conned Beast to grab it, but none where he’s clothed and not offered a safe word!
DM: [laughs] Why didn’t that situation ever become a reality show?
[CUTTO: Ref Steven Lucas taking the EPW belt off Troy’s hands and showing it to a still robed Melton.]
[CUTTO: The cage SNAPPING in place.]
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
DT: We’re almost underway. For the title!
MN: Here’s Maury with the paternity results!
DM: Joey you…
TONY FATORA: Laddddddddddddies and Gentlemen. Tonight’s MAIN EVENT! [POP!]
DM: ARE NOT THE FATHER!
TONY FATORA: Is one fall, no-time limit! For the E-P-W WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! First, the challenger [CUTTO: A shot of Adrian Evans giving Melton some last minute instructions, Joey nodding.] from [singing] NEW YORK, NEW YORKKKKKK, 6’1, 218 pounds, “The UNIFIER” JOEY MELLLLLLLLLLLLTON! [mixture of boos and cheers.]
DT: [CUTTO: Melton taking off the boxing robe and handing it to Evans. He’s not in great shape, but surprisingly better than expected.] Joey in his customary green tights and black boots when he’s fighting an ex-wife…
MN: Nice!
DM: I saw Neely slip you the joke, but well done just the same.
DT: There were rumors of drinking, gambling, and an assortment of illegal activity in Melton’s camp heading into tonight’s show [MN: Focused. I like to see it.] but the Tag champion looks in reasonable shape.
TONY FATORA: And his opponent! [HUGE CHEERS] From Tampa, Florida, weighing in at one hundred seventy pounds...the longest-reigning Empire Pro World Heavyweight Champion..."THE QUEEN OF THE RING" LINNNNNNNDSAAAAAYYYYYYY TRRRRRRROOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
[CUTTO: Troy hopping on the second rope and pumping her fist to the crowd. A second in, she steals a glance behind her at Melton just to be sure he’s not an early starter. He’s an early finisher, but that’s no longer a concern of hers. Joey holds out his hands as if to say, “What?” Lindsay leaps backwards, landing quietly on her feet.]
DT: Lindsay in impeccable shape. [Fans start to CLAP in anticipation.]
MN: You’re tenting Dave.
SFX: DING! DING!
[POP]
DT: There’s the bell! No way out! Troy walks over to the nearest wall and pulls on the cage, checking its stability.
DM: Yeah, she’s a great judge of stability.
DT: Melton shaking his arms, trying to get lose. [CUTTO: Troy and Melton staring at one another in the center of the ring, maybe trying to figure out how they both got here.] The champ charges, COLLAR AND ELBOW TIE-UP!
MN: You just can’t help but feel if they’d both just sit down and read Kermit’s play, “Manhattan Melodies” differences could be resolved.
DT: Melton pulls Troy into a headlock! The Champ reverses into an arm bar! Melton gingerly to the ropes! [CUTTO: Melton asking the ref for an earlier break.] Joey already barking at the official. Collar and elbow tie-up, no! Melton delivers a KNEE right into the gut of the champion! Troy doubled over!
[CROWD: YOU CHEATED! YOU CHEATED!]
DM: Jersey weighing in on the divorce verdict from Troy. What’s the word from the back, Mike? Did Melton cheat?
DT: Joey pushes Troy into the corner. KNIFE-EDGE CHOP! Troy WITH A RIGHT HAND! She fired out of the corner in quick fashion! Positions reversed! Lindsay with a hard left knee into Melton’s GUT! [POP!]
MN: She’s beating his ass like he did!
DT: Troy MONKEY FLIP OUT OF THE CORNER! [Melton flips and against all odds lands on his feet! To the amazement of himself as well.] MELTON ON HIS FEET!
MN: Maybe MORE weight was the answer. What athletic ability!
DT: Please Neely he lucked into that one! Troy charges….CLOTHESLINE! He’s not on his feet anymore! Joey staggers back to his feet, Lindsay on the move again, but she’s taken down by the arm, Melton wrestles her to the ground…ARM BAR! Melton cranking the champion’s left arm into her back! [CUTTO: Troy groaning and pounding the mat with her right fist.]
MN: I love it! Weeks ago this would be considered spousal abuse! Not anymore!
DT: Joey asking Lucas to check with Lindsay. He’s out of his mind if he thinks she’ll pack it in here. [CUTTO: As the ref leans in to ask Troy, Melton extends and positions his feet on the middle rope. The crowd YELLS at the ref to notice.] Melton with extra leverage! Come on!
MN: For some reason this is position I see Birkhead impregnating Anna Nicole in. Just a hunch.
DT: Neely, for Pete [Russo!]’s sake! [MN: What?] Melton’s feet off the ropes before the ref could notice. It’s blatantly clear he’s cheating! [CUTTO: Melton’s feet going back on the middle ropes just as the ref turns back to Troy to ask again.] Joey again taking full advantage of this ref’s incompetence. Finally, he connects the dots and screams at Melton to break the hold! [CUTTO: Joey right in the official’s face.]
JOEY MELTON: [heard on ringside mic] YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS? [laughs]
DT: Melton laughing it off, he could of broke Troy’s arm!
DM: Could of? I think he did!
[CUTTO: Troy huddled in a corner, tugging gently at her left arm.]
DT: Melton charging in with a forearm shiver to Troy’s left arm! And the champion on her knees, she might have just passed out from the pain!
MN: Or finally submitted! It’s a push here.
DT: Joey with a hold of Troy’s arm pulls the champion to her feet [Crowd tries to get behind Troy] Melton rolls under the arm! Arm bar! [CUTTO: Troy blocking out the pain, and climbing the ropes in rapid-fire succession. Springboarding off the top rope and onto Joey’s head.] FLYING LEG SCISSORS FROM TROY! [HUGE pop] Troy one-step to Melton and another!!
[CUTTO: Melton going over the top rope and landing head first against the cage! Troy absent-mindedly grabbed the top rope on her way down to break her fall. She screams and reaches for her left shoulder.]
DT: She may have pulled it out of socket! She couldn’t help herself!
MN: Most women can’t when it comes to Melton.
DT: Troy lying on the mat, trying to get past the pain, to will herself to move forward. Melton staggering to his feet and Troy finds hers as well! [CUTTO: Troy subtlety acknowledging the adoring crowd, then rushing to the top turnbuckle…] FLIP DROPKICK! LINDSAY JUST DID A COMPLETE FLIP THEN NAILED MELTON WITH A DROPKICK! [CUTTO: Joey FLYING back and SNAPPING his neck over to top rope!]
DM: Little known fact, this chic used to work with the Grayson family! Before they were slaughtered by the Joker!
DT: I think Melton is out cold!
[CUTTO: Close-up of Joey’s silent face.]
INSIDE OF MELTON’S HEAD. DREAM SEQUENCE!
[CUTTO: Melton and Troy lying in bed together. Lindsay is reading the Wall Street Journal as Joey pulls the covers up to his chin. He’s an advertisement for embarrassment.]
MELTON: I’m sorry. Again.
TROY: It’s okay, Joey. Stop.
MELTON: It’s just…
TROY: Don’t worry about it! It happens!
MELTON: Seeing those damn cancer patients at the zoo yesterday. Those kids. I close my eyes and all I see is a bald, swollen little head.
TROY: Ready again?
BACK TO LIVE! ACTION!
[CUTTO: Lindsay covering Melton, one leg hooked as the ref counts…]
DT: TWO………..MELTON WITH A FOOT ON THE ROPES! He had a split second to spare, at the most. Lindsay leaps in the air and SITS right down on Joey’s left knee! [CUTTO: Melton yanking the leg off the ropes.]
DM: The entire ring to sit and she has to right there!
DT: Lindsay pulling Melton to the center of the ring [Troy flashes four fingers to her fans] FIGURE FOUR! Melton catches her before and rolls her up! ONE…..TWO! Troy reverses! ONE…TWO….! No! Melton up, hobbling, and the Champ with a vicious, sweeping kick to the back of his left leg! Melton down like a stack of cards!
MN: And it’s Troy with two of a kind!
DT: Geez, Neely.
MN: IT’S TRUE!
DT: Troy, stepping over…FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK! [POP!] Joey pounds the mat in frustration! You know he helped Troy hone the finer points of this submission move over the last couple of years.
MN: You mean, when they were a couple. Before lawyers got between them and divvied up their shared treasures….who gets the dogs and the sex swing?
DT: Yes, right before then. Lindsay demanding the ref check Melton’s pulse! [CUTTO: Lucas bending in front of Melton to ask for a submission. As he turns his back to Troy, Lindsay blindly reaches for the middle ropes and finds them! She TUGS at the ropes for added leverage!] [POP!] Melton writhing in pain!
DM: They both wore white to the wedding and had “His” and “Her” towels. So this comes as no surprise.
DT: Joey begging with the ref, but he’s not buying it! [CUTTO: Lucas finally turning to see nothing wrong. The second he turns back to Melton, Troy reaches for the ropes!] The Champ again, giving Melton tough love! My oh my, if Melton were to submit….
MN: Did you not see the sex tape that was released on the web a year ago? He submitted long ago! The only question here is, after he loses does he have to lick the toilet!
[CUTTO: Lucas right up in Melton’s grill, WAITING for an answer.]
STEVEN LUCAS: How bout it Joey?
JOEY MELTON: She’s on the roppppesssss…
STEVEN LUCAS: I admire the fight, Melton. But, she’s got you in a hold here. Come on buddy let me call it before something tragic happens.
JOEY MELTON: No you idiot….she HAS the ropes!
[Troy lets go of the middle rope, as Lucas, dumbfounded, turns to check.]
MN: If this guy were any dumber, he could fill Matthews’ shoes!
DT: Melton desperately reaches for the bottom rope, and he has it! Lucas calling for the break as the Melton fans in attendance get on him!
[CUTTO: Adrian Evans in the stadium with two buxom blondes by his side, not a care in the world.]
DT: Melton tries to pull himself out of the ring, but he’s stopped by the cage! Nowhere to go to regroup! [CUTTO: Joey pulling himself into a turnbuckle, begging with Troy.] Palms extended, look at the man beg for his life!
MN: Actually I think he’s miming the shape of his balls. He wants them back!
DM: Please baby. I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. Listen more. Hold off on cumming. Everything Troy’s heard before and more! She’s not buying it this time!
DT: Lindsay dropkicks Melton in the mush! [MN: Easy honey that’s a couple hundred thousand in dental work there.] She may have completed Melton’s Christmas list!
MN: If he’s missing his two front teeth she should be shot. You could take a coast-to-coast cab ride with the amount of money Melton spends on his pearly whites!
DT: Lindsay with two feet in her hands YANKS Melton out of the corner! She steps in, SCORPION DEATHLOCK! Listen to this place Neely! [MN: I think Hornet taught her that move ten years ago when she broke into this business. The hard way.] Melton squirming, fighting for his life, but he’s trapped! On all corners! A brilliant tactical move by the Champion. Take Melton’s legs out before he can do the same! The EPW tag team champion is reeling! [CUTTO: Melton pulling his hair out, desperately trying to reach the bottom ropes!] He’s a good two feet away! Dean-O this may end on submission!
DM: REALLY? Nerd.
[CUTTO: Melton grabbing the ref and pulling him into Troy, loosening her grip just enough to allow him to hug the bottom rope!]
DT: Melton not waiting around, he’s on his feet! [CUTTO: Joey hobbling around.] Troy another KICK to the back of the legs! Melton down, but up again! TROY oh!! Thumb to the eye by Joey!
MN: If that’s the first time he’s poked her in the eye...[DT: NEELY!] I’m the next lesbian to host the View!
DT: Joey walking up to Troy, feigning concern…ANOTHER eye gauge! Melton grabs Lindsay by the back of the head and THROWS her into the CAGE! [DINK!] The champion bounces back, still on her feet! Melton caught her by the hair again! INTO THE SECOND CAGE WALL! [CUTTO: Close-up of Troy’s face hitting the cage.] The Queen still on her legs! She’s weary! Joey no mercy….INTO THE THIRD WALL! [POP!]
MN: Throw her again Melton. Send her ass back to Avon or wherever the **** she came from.
DT: Troy barely on her feet, Melton points to the last wall of the cage! [everybody standing!] Joey takes two steps and FLINGS Troy at the cage! [CUTTO: Melton turning his back as he releases the throw. Troy being thrown, but being able to catch herself and straddle the top rope, instead of hitting the cage wall.] [HUGE POP!] Troy standing on the top rope! Melton doesn’t see it!
MN: Blonde and blind! How the hell has the man gotten this far?
DT: Joey turns, TROY OFF THE ROPE! SHOOTING STAR PRESS! And immediately back on her feet, off the ropes, ELBOW DROP onto Melton’s heaving chest! Lucas in position…ONE……………..TWO…………………T-NO! Joey kicks out! Troy off the ropes, leg drop! Another cover! ONE…..TWO…..Joey up!
DM: I think more than anything Thomas she’s trying to wear Melton out!
MN: His heart’s already broken, she wants it exploding into tiny pieces as well? Harlot!
DT: This is where Melton’s questionable conditioning comes into play. He’s gassed! Troy climbing the turnbuckle, she’s going to the top! [CUTTO: The fans sensing the end, seething in anticipation.] LINDSAY…FROG SPLASH! But Joey with his knees pulled up! [CUTTO: Troy bouncing off Melton’s knees like a super ball.] Stick save and a beauty by The Unifier! [CUTTO: Troy crawling to a corner, coughing for air.]
MN: I’ve had a joke about marital rape that I haven’t been able to work in yet. Just warning you guys.
DM: Wow.
DT: Do and I’ll cut your mic Neely. Joey walking, gingerly, towards Troy…and he stomps right on the small of her back! [Fans start to CLAP in an effort to get behind Troy.] Joey brings Lindsay to her feet and he slams her head into the top turnbuckle! Melton….KNIFE EDGE CHOP! [CUTTO: Lindsay’s head whipping back.] Melton hip tosses Troy out of the corner!
MN: That’s old school right there! The ***** Toss!
DT: Melton…a series of small steps, and a running knee drop! [the Pro-Troy fans BOO!] Melton sensing his opportunity to go to work. He helps the Champion up, hooks the arm, VERTICAL SUPLEX! He held her there for a handful of seconds, letting the blood rush to her head. She’s lightheaded no question.
MN: And a bit of a slut.
DT: Oh stop! Melton covers, new champion? ONE….TWO….no! The champ kicks out! [POP!] Joey with Troy’s legs in his hands!
DM: He’s got the whole world between his hands…
DT: Joey drops his weight over Troy’s left knee! [CUTTO: Troy screaming in pain. Immediately clutching her leg.] He’s dialed in now. Back to basics. Joey stepping over, FIGURE FOUR! SUBMISSION MOVE!
MN: I don’t care how good Troy is on her back, if she doesn’t have the legs to jump around the ring, she’s not walking out of here with the EPW title.
DT: Melton pushing on her legs, he wants the submission! [JOEY MELTON: Ask her you dope!]
STEVEN LUCAS: [In Troy’s face] Lindsay…
LINDSAY TROY: [CENSOR] you!
DT: I think that’s “no.”
MN: It’s always questionable with you isn’t it Neely? You perv.
DT: Joey digging deeper, but Troy is on her side! [POP!] The Queen Of The Ring just reversed the FIGURE FOUR! I don’t believe it! [CUTTO: Melton tapping out.]
DM: I think he just gave it up!
DT: Yes! No…Melton quickly telling Lucas as he gets to the ropes that he was calling for the ref’s attention! [BOOO!] He’s not sure what to do! [CUTTO: Melton pulling himself up, threatening Steven.] Did he give it up?
MN: Don’t listen to these idiots Lucas. They’re poor and most here illegally.
DT: Joey charging at Troy, but she sweeps the back of his right leg with her hands! She straddles over his chest, TROY POUNDING AWAY! Rights and lefts over Joey’s forehead! She’s beating the man senseless!
DM: It’s what she’s done her entire EPW reign. Reduce men to boys.
DT: I think she may have drawn blood from Joey! Whatever feelings may have remained from these two are gone! Lindsay runs to the opposite ropes, shoots off, SPEAR! Joey off his feet in a flash, just tackled the Champion! Melton with a handful of hair and his right fist cocked back. He can’t bring himself to hit her!
MN: Hold the ***** up and let me!
DT: The crowd egging Melton on but he can’t strike Troy! [CUTTO: Joey slinging her head back to the mat, and walking away.] He wants the cage door open! Neely he’s quitting!
DM: He already tapped once!
MN: No he didn’t! Joey, don’t look at her. Just imagine she’s Troy Windham! Or Matthews’ mother!
[CUTTO: Melton kicking at the cage door, in a fury over the refusal to open it.]
DT: Here comes Lindsay running in! [CUTTO: Melton dodging out of the way, just in time! Troy cracks her head over the top turnbuckle!] Short clothesline by Joey and Troy is down! Melton again looking at the Champion, but shaking his head! Dean-O he’s climbing the turnbuckle!
DM: No, he’s climbing the cage!
DT: Joey Melton is trying to leave the ring! I think he’s out of his mind! [CUTTO: Lindsay on her knees, looking up at Melton.] He’s halfway up! Here comes the champion! [CHEERS!] She’s climbing up right behind him!
MN: Abort! Melton abort!
DM: Neely enough!
MN: I’m just saying, from what I hear in the locker room Troy is a woman who doesn’t know that keeping babies is an option.
DT: Melton almost to the top. [POP!] Troy with a shot to his groin! Joey’s stopped dead in his tracks! Lindsay keeps climbing. Her head’s under his legs….[entire arena on its feet!] Lindsay…yanks on Melton and free falls back! [CUTTO: Troy suplexing Melton backwards!] WHAT A MOVE!
[CUTTO: Lindsay rolling over right as she hits, and bridging Melton’s legs as she turns over!]
MN: 69! Now this is what I wanted to see!
DT: Quiet! ONE….TWO…..NOOOO! Joey amazingly kicks out! By now, Melton has to know there’s no way out. He’s going to have to face Lindsay Troy, his ex-wife, in the center of the ring tonight! Win or lose! [CUTTO: Troy climbing] Now Lindsay going to the top of the cage! But I don’t think she’s leaving!
MN: Can the belt change hands on a count out? Please!
DT: Troy…standing on the top of the cage! SHE FLIES OFF!
[CUTTO: Lindsay Troy soaring across the ring.]
FLASH BULBS! POP! POP!
POP!
DT: FROG SPLASH! FROG SPLASH! Melton’s done! [CUTTO: Troy crouching over, instead of covering, trying to get her wits.] All she has to do here is cover! [DM: Taking too much time Thomas.] Maybe! She covers….ONE……TWO…………….NO! [AHH!] Melton barely a shoulder up! Maybe an inch! Lindsay wasted precious time and she knows it! The Champion bringing Melton back to his feet, he’s out of them! BODY SLAM! Troy runs at the ropes, LIONSAULT! The cover! ONE……TWO…..TH-NO! These fans in Jersey can’t believe it!
MN: I can’t believe I’ve still got wood and this match is 15 plus old!
DT: Troy back to the FIGURE FOUR, but Melton rakes her in the eyes! She got sloppy, just a little bit and she pays. Joey on his feet, gasping for air, but he sends Troy across the ring! ELBOW SMASH! Guys look at Melton. He’s fighting for air. He keeps looking around the ring. OH A VICIOUS KICK to Troy’s gut! He may be warming to the idea of taking this to the end. Joey pushes Troy back in a corner. KNIFE EDGE CHOP!
MN: Where is Lindsay’s pretty little briefcase now? Let her put the EPW World title AND the summer house in Rome on the line.
DT: Melton whips Troy across the ring and he follows in right behind with a nasty elbow! Troy doubled over; Melton capitalizes. PILEDRIVER! Joey covers, two feet on the ropes thought! Lucas! ONE……………….TWO……………………. [stop count] Melton up! He thinks he’s won, but Lucas gets right in his face! OH! JOEY JUST THREW THE REF INTO THE CAGE WALL!
[CUTTO: All the fans standing, looking for the next shoe to drop.]
DT: He brings Troy over to the ref’s fallen body….sets her up….what is this? PILEDRIVER ONTO LUCAS’ CHEST!
MN: As boney as that kid is, that’s like hitting steel!
DT: Melton reaching around the ref and takes off the kid’s belt! He can’t possibly be considering whipping his ex-wife with it can he?
DM: I sure am!
DT: HE JUST WHIPPED IT RIGHT IN THE SMALL OF THE BACK! [CUTTO: Troy on her feet, but hollering in pain.] MELTON AGAIN! This is sick!
MN: NO this is what happens when couples wear matching shirts, and get their nails done together before big shows. One wakes up one day and snaps.
DT: Melton sends Troy off the ropes, clothesline with the belt! No! Troy ducks! FLYING CLOTHESLINE! And the belt lands right next to her! [POP!] Lindsay wrapping the leather belt around her hand! [CUTTO: Troy peppering Melton with right hands!] The Champ just knocking the snot out of Joey Melton! SHE’S OPENED HIM UP!
DM: So much for second chances….
DT: Melton is a bloody mess! [CUTTO: Joey falling to the mat. And Troy scooting up beside him, readying to crack the belt.] TROY WHIPPING MELTON NOW! That has to sting! She reaches back but Lucas dives for the belt and wrestles it away! Welcome back to the world of the living….
MN: Melton was just trying to make light of the situation they’re in, and she has to take it to the next level. Typical.
DT: Make light? He was whipping her like a dog!
MN: I KNOW!
DT: The champ bullies Melton into a corner and drives a shoulder right into his gut! Lindsay monkey flips Melton out of the corner! SOMERSAULT SPRINGBOARD elbow! [CUTTO: Melton on the mat, reaching for his mouth.] She’s got Joey by the hair! [CUTTO: Troy pointing at a cage wall.] LINDSAY SENDS JOEY FLYING INTO THE CAGE!
[CUTTO: Melton teetering right back into Troy’s waiting arms.]
DT: Troy…NECKBREAKER! This could be it….ONE….TWO……TWO COUNT! Melton is bleeding all over the ring and Troy!
MN: Well, if he has anything it’s her fault and she probably shares it! So, there’s no real scare here.
DT: Troy climbing the turnbuckles again, but this time Melton is game! Troy turns too late and she’s surprised by a seething Unifier! Melton with a shot against the jaw! Another! He climbs to the middle rope….SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!
MN: There you go Melton. Beat her at her own game! Stay focused!
DT: Joey, laying Troy’s neck over the top rope, he’s choking her out! Lucas get in there! [CUTTO: Lucas counting, 2….3…….5] An elbow over the back of Troy’s neck! I think he’s snapped gentlemen.
MN: He’s claustrophobic. That’s it.
DT: Thanks Paris!
DM: Neely’s right. Melton didn’t want to confront this side of it. He didn’t want to…
DT: Beat his wife with a belt? [CUTTO: Melton rubbing Troy’s face against the steel again.]
MN: Oh take it to People’s Court Thomas!
DT: Joey sends Troy for a ride across the ring, catches her….BACKBREAKER! Cracked her spine right over his knee. I’ve seen that move end careers!
MN: Where was that? Korea?
DT: Two count! Quick cover by Melton. [Fans stomping!] Jersey tries to rally behind The World Champion! [MN: Front runners!] Melton whips Troy off the ropes, ducks down, back flip…no! [CUTTO: Troy stopping on a dime and kicking Melton square in the chest!] TROY SUNSET FLIP! Melton won’t go down! Joey sits! He’s got her shoulders pinned! LUCAS COUNTS! ONE….TWO…..REVERSAL! Troy reaches up with her legs and pulls Melton down! ONE…..TWO! Joey kicks out! The action is fast and furious!
DM: You’re tenting, Neely has wood, and we’ve got a married couple in the ring. When did this stop being about the sport?
DT: Troy rakes Melton in the eyes! Both of them are tired! Melton bleeding! Kick to Joey’s gut! Troy on one knee, UPPERCUT! [CUTTO: Melton flying off his feet!] Lindsay elbow drop, but she misses! Both wrestlers to the feet, Troy hits Joey as he tries to wipe some blood out of his eyes! CLOTHESLINE into the corner! Troy standing on the middle rope! [CUTTO: Troy showing her fists to the crowd!]
MN: I don’t like this Thomas.
DM: What? A woman being on top of a man, or being in Jersey for the weekend?
MN: The latter.
DT: Troy dives into Joey’s forehead with a series of lethal blows! [CROWD COUNTS: One, two, three, four, five…..] Melton CARRIES Troy out of the corner, ATOMIC DROP! BLOCKED! CLOTHESLINE! Lindsay leaps to the middle turnbuckle! LEG DROP! ONE…….TWO…..KICK OUT! Melton again denies the champ!
MN: That should have been thought of long ago!
DT: Troy sits on Melton’s back, CAMEL CLUTCH! Again, weakening Melton! Softening him her high risk punishment! [CUTTO: Joey on his knees, then standing up with Troy over his shoulders!] Melton dives at the cage! Troy head first into the cage wall like a battering ram! Mercy! [CUTTO: Troy hot shotting across the ropes as she’s dropped off Melton’s shoulders.]
DM: This is it for Troy. You can’t win against a Metro sexual scorned!
DT: Belly to back suplex by Melton! He’s slow to get up after that one. I know these two are highly competitive. Neither wants to lose, least off all to the other, but at what point does one have to give in? When is too much?
MN: When she’s 30 and the industry turns its back to her?
DT: Melton setting Troy up, another belly to back suplex! But Troy right to her feet! [POP!] Melton doesn’t realize it! TROY RUNNING DDT! She rolls Joey over, this has to be it! ONE….TWO….NO!!! Foot on the ropes!
MN: Genius!
DM: He had no idea it was there Neely! I promise you that.
MN: You can’t promise me anything! You’re full of empty promises!
DM: Are we still on my sister? I never said she’d do it. I just said she’s done it in the past, with other groups…
DT: Troy shoots Melton into the ropes, LEAPING ROUNDHOUSE KICK! I think I saw a tooth fly in the air that time!
MN: Quick grab it! Put it under your pillow and a fairy will visit over night!
DM: That’s an old wives’ tale….
DT: Troy reaching into her pockets for something! [CUTTO: Lindsay pulling out a key!] SHE’S GOT A KEY TO THE CAGE! [POP!]
MN: SHE’S QUITTING! MELTON WINS!
[CUTTO: Troy out of the cage, fishing under the ring.]
DT: Lucas isn’t sure what to do! Frankly, I’m a little perplexed by this move. Why give Melton the time to recover? Why stop?
MN: She’s got 20 years on him. You’re saying that it’s a matter of seconds before he tires, and the batteries go off?
DT: Yes!
[CUTTO: The crowd going nuts as Troy reaches under the ring and pulls out a ladder!]
DT: She’s trying to fit a ladder through the door. What’s going on?
MN: Props! Or between these two…toys!
DM: Okay….too far.
DT: Melton is on his feet. His face is a crimson mask! He doesn’t seem to grasp the situation, until now! Troy following the ladder into the ring. The roof, if this place had one, just blew off! [CUTTO: Troy locking the cage door behind her.]
DM: I understand the champion gets perks. Parking, gift baskets, but a key to the cage door?
DT: Melton charges! KNEE TO THE BACK and Troy smashes right up against the cage door! He scoops her up…body slam on the ladder! [SFX: THUMP!] This style of play does favor Troy as Melton is a dinosaur, but credit to Joey for getting there first! Melton hooks the arm, suplex onto the ladder!
MN: What good is a prop if you’re not around to use it.
DM: Thanks Captain Solo.
DT: Joey setting the ladder up in a corner. Has he been in a ladder match before? Does anyone know?
MN: What the **** is this Thomas? The Capital One Trivia Question of the Night? Let’s just assume he’s been on one before and leave it at that.
DT: Joey a right hand to Troy’s chops as he bullies her into the opposite corner. A SHARP RESPONSE BY TROY! A left by Melton! A right by Troy! Melton with a knee to the gut! Irish Whip across the ring, REVERSAL! Troy sends Melton packing! [CUTTO: Joey being thrown over the ladder, back first!]
[POP!]
DT: You could hear the screams of pain from where we’re sitting!
MN: Actually that was me, Thomas. Lidge just gave it up again in the 9th.
[CUTTO: Lindsay running at Melton, she leaps in the air….]
DT: Troy…FLYING BODY PRESS ON THE LADDER! I think Melton’s body is sown onto the ladder! Lindsay, climbing the turnbuckle behind the ladder…no the cage! Is she going to the top again?
DM: I THINK SO!
MN: Roll Joey…Roll like the wind!
DT: Troy is all the way up! Yes! [CUTTO: Giants stadium going ape poop.] She extends straight up, the balance! What a woman!
DM: ROOOARRRR.
DT: TROY….SHOOTING STAR PRESS, NO GOOOD GRIEF!
[CUTTO: Troy flipping, slowly in air, then crushing Melton over the ladder! The crowd can’t believe it. Joey slowly, slides off the ladder, and onto the mat!]
DT: Troy with the move of her life! But she’s hurt just as bad! She’s crazy for trying that move in such a small space. Lindsay…to her feet! [POP!] Had she missed that move, Dean…
DM: Had she missed, it’d be a tragic end to the Lindsay Troy story, but she nailed it. I’m speechless!
DT: And so is Melton, but that’s only because he’s out cold! Troy drags him to the center of the ring, will she pin here?
MN: Not if she has a heart! What else does she need to take from the man? WHAT ELSE! [sobs]
DT: Lindsay, drapes herself over Joey’s body. For the win….[CUTTO: Lucas flying into position.] ONE……………………….TWO…………………….[CUTTO: Melton barely kicking out.] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. [Crowd reacts in disbelief.]
DM: He’s a legend.
MN: Yes! Yes!
DT: Troy, her hands on her knees at Melton’s side. I think she’s smiling, Neely. She can’t believe the old man kicked out. Guys, I think she’s…dare I say proud?
MN: And I masturbate to her Maxim spread twice week, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want the woman dead here. She should be just as evil.
DT: The Queen takes the ladder and sets it up! [POP!] If Melton has never been in a ladder match before he’s quickly getting the idea. It’s a son of a *****. [CUTTO: Troy climbing the ladder as Melton slowly gets to his feet, the collapses in the ropes.] Lindsay is on top of the ladder!
DM: If she dropkicks Melton through this cage, she’s Wrestler of the Year. Hands down.
DT: MELTON LEAPS AND PUSHES THE LADDER OVER! [CUTTO: Troy falling down to the mat!] Desperation! But it worked for Joey! Melton limping. He’s been beat to hell. But he’s in the game. Joey grabs Troy by the hair and slams her face first into the ladder! AGAIN! [CUTTO: Close-up of Troy opened up a little. Bleeding from her hairline.] Melton Irish Whips Troy into the ropes, BACK BODY DROP ONTO THE LADDER! MAN!
[SFX: WHACK!]
[Crowd reacts in horror with the move.]
DT: Troy reaching for her back, what a shot taken there! Melton picks the ladder up and holds it in the air. TROY STANDING DROPKICK! [CUTTO: The ladder falling down on top of Joey Melton!] A burst of energy that pays off for the World Champion! Troy leaps onto of the ladder, she’s going to pin it and Melton!
MN: You’re ****ting me!
DT: One…………two…………..[CUTTO: Joey grabbing the bottom rope.] Another save! Troy folds up the ladder, Melton retreating wearily to the corner. TROY RAMS THE LADDER INTO MELTON’S CHEST! It’s War Of The Roses out here tonight!
DM: What a performance by both wrestlers tonight.
DT: Lindsay leaning the ladder against the top rope, Melton with a shot to the back of the neck! Joey shoots Troy off the ropes, side-pickup, no! LEG SCISSORS BY TROY, HURRICA-RANA! [CUTTO: The crowd giving Troy props.]
DM: A standing O from the crowd.
MN: Don’t get me headed in that direction!
DT: Lindsay scales the ladder, her back turned to Melton! A MOONSAULT OFF THE LADDER?
MN: Don’t get ahead of her. She’s the athlete you’re not!
DT: Right! [CUTTO: Gamely to his feet, watching Troy.] Lindsay LEAPS OFF!
[CUTTO: Melton grabbing the Ref’s hand and pulling him in the line of fire. Troy, attempting a spinning leg drop, catches Lucas by mistake.]
DT: A Lou Thesz Press of sorts on the Ref! [CUTTO: Lucas’ head hitting HARD on the mat.] Troy’s entire body weight just fell onto his head. He’s out! And it’s all Joey Melton’s fault!
MN: Blame the man, sure! Always! The Woman is NEVER at fault.
DT: Neely, shut up! [CUTTO: The crowd stirring. Then reacting as Adrian Evans comes out of the crowd, and fishes under the ring.] LITTLE VOLTRON! What’s he doing here?!
MN: I think he’s here to ref!
DT: Bull**** Neely!
MN: YOU DON’T’ KNOW!
[CUTTO: Evans pulling out a trampoline from under the ring and positioning it how he wants it.]
DT: Is that little freak going to catapult himself into this ring?
DM: I don’t see it. Even by the science of Robin Hood when Costner clears the Berlin Wall, I don’t buy it.
[CUTTO: Troy DDT’ing Melton! She notices the buzz and turns to see Evans.]
DT: Troy walking to the wall nearest Evans and she’s giving him a piece of his mind. I think DARING him to come in.
DM: There’s not a chance in Hell.
MN: Maybe if he REALLY tries.
[CUTTO: Troy laughing it off, and turning her back.]
DT: Evans can try all night he’s not getting in! Thank the cage for that…[POP!] Who is THAT?
[CUTTO: A masked man, with the wording “Dis’d Me” written on his mask, running out from the back. The man, with no wasted movements, leaps onto the trampoline and catapult’s 2/3rds of the way up the cage! He hangs on and starts to slowly climb. The Crowd goes nuts.]
DT: Who is that! Dis’d me? What the hell?
DM: It’s BEAST!
MN: Payback is a *****, honey!
DT: Melton and Beast working together, TROY SEE’S HIM! Lindsay LIKE A CUTE, SEXY MONKEY, SCAILS THE LADDER AND LEAPS ONTO THE CAGE! It’s a race to get to the top!
MN: Beast will get there first!
DT: Maybe not! Troy there as the masked man tries to climb over! Right hand to the face! [POP!] Another! Troy hooks the arm! Is she?
DM: She is!
DT: Troy…I can’t believe it, SUPERPLEX FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE!
[CUTTO: flashbulbs going off as Lindsay Troy Superplexes the masked man INTO THE RING! WHOOOOOOOOOMP!]
DT: Lindsay sends the Masked Man off the ropes, POWERSLAM! I’ve never seen her like this! Melton rushes in, but he’s dropped by a roundhouse kick! [CUTTO: The masked man on his knees, reaching for his back, clearly winded and beaten.] Lindsay saunters over….She’s tugging at the mask!! [HUGE POP!]
MN: It’s not coming off! Beast is probably double masked! He’s smart! I’ve seen it a thousand times!
DM: I see hair!
MN: That’s fine! Always happens. DON’T BE ALARMED HEEL FANS!
DT: Troy fighting with the man…SHE’S GOT THE MASK OFF! [MN: Well, this is new…] [CUTTO: Troy standing the man up, grabbing him by the shoulder and turning him around to see his face.] IT’S…………
……………….
…………………
……………………
DM: What in the world?
DT: Joey Melton?
MN: YES! IT’S JOEY MELTON! Wait…
DT: Melton from behind clips the knee! Troy down in a heap!
[CUTTO: Close-up of a Sleeping Steven Lucas.]
DREAM SEQUENCE FOR LUCAS
[CUTTO: Sheep going over a fence. One. Two. Three.]
BACK LIVE! AT GIANTS STADIUM
DT: Double elbow on Troy by……Joey Melton. I….I don’t….
[CUTTO: The Two Melton’s standing and looking at each other. They’re a perfect match.]
DT: That man is the spitting image of Joey Melton. The crowd is as stunned as we are. Neely, what’s going on?
MN: He cloned himself. That’s all I got. We’ve finally become a piece of Star Wars fan fiction. I love it!
DM: Somewhere Craig Miles is preparing his suit for copyright infringement, I just know it.
DT: The two Meltons set Troy up over the ladder….SPIKED PILEDRIVER ON THE LADDER! My word! [CUTTO: The previously Masked Melton waking Lucas up.] No! This can’t be happening! Joey covers Troy.
DM: We’re going to have a new World Champion….
DT: Lucas is awake. Come one! [CUTTO: The ref groggily counting] ONE………..TWO…………………
[CUTTO: Lucas’ POV. He sees Melton pinning, and a blurry figure in the back ground that looks like Melton. He pauses, winces, then counts…]
DT: THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
[SFX: DING! DING! DING!]
DT: We have a new World Heavyweight Champion! And it’s…Joey Melton.
[Booooo!]
MN: Which one?
TONY FATORA: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a NEW EPW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! FROM NEW YORK, NEW YORK, JOEY MELTONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
[CUTTO: The two Meltons embracing. Joey kisses…himself….on the forehead and offers instructions.]
DT: This has to be the oddest moment in my career.
MN: Don’t forget that time….no. You’re right. This is my happening man and I’M FREAKED OUT!
DT: Melton is handcuffing Lindsay Troy to the top rope. This can’t be good. We need help down there, right away. Lindsay Troy is physically spent and at the mercy of her ex-husband.
DM: Husbands!
MN: MELTON IS A MORMON! I LOVE IT!!
[CUTTO: The second Melton egging on the crowd, then rearing back to HIT Lindsay Troy, but as he swings, Melton steps in and blocks it. Joey angrily waves him off.]
[CUTTO: Melton ripping the EPW World Heavyweight Championship out of a crew member’s hands through the cage door, then slinging it around his left shoulder. Joey smirks, and gets in Lindsay’s eye line.]
JOEY MELTON: They said I was overrated, they said it couldn’t be done. Well, **** what the Internet says, **** the naysayers, and **** Troy Windham who stole my gimmick ten years ago and made this moment happen. No, Lindsay, as Cammy might say, REALITY CHECK….I didn’t want this to happen.
[Boooooooooo!]
DT: I bet he didn’t!
DM: Cruise quoted in a Main Event!
MN: Next step is getting to one!
JOEY MELTON: I begged. I pleaded. I got on my hands and knees and asked you not to mix business with pleasure, but you just had to do it! [Troy tries to kick at Melton!] No! No! I stood in the back while you said your piece at WRESTLEVERSE, while you hung our ****ing dirty laundry for the world to see, you’re going to listen to me now, dammit. You owe me as much!
MN: I LOVE IT!
JOEY MELTON: I changed who……..I……was…for you. I cleaned up. I found Jesus, granted not the savior, but I still went to Mexico to find Jesus(Hay-soos).
MN: Sacrifice!
JOEY MELTON: I found love, and I never thought I would. You were everything to me. And you HUMILIATED ME IN PUBLIC, because I am still the biggest name this business has to put in lights and sell to the public! It’s not what I couldn’t give. It’s what you didn’t have. Because I wouldn’t ****ing manage you on another shore. I wouldn’t sit at your side and be the good wife!
I never said I was perfect! I never said I couldn’t stop working. I never said I would be easy to love, but I kept our problems, our relationship out of the media, out of this business. The workaholic, who couldn’t commit, was not the one to sell US when the price was right.
[Lindsay tries feverishly to pull herself free of the cuffs.]
You didn’t want our marriage to be known because you worried how it’d affect your PR numbers. So, I put my call to the dirty rags on hold…I didn’t sell tickets to the Wedding of the Century. I didn’t tell a soul!
You said at WRESTLEVERSE I forced your hand.
I don’t think you needed much of a push, honey.
I told you not to get in business with Troy Windham, that he’d take more than you had to offer, and I was right. But to be bigger, to shock the world a second time, you sold me. You sold me and everything we had for the money. And then had the balls to blame it on me. [Joey gets in Troy’s face.] *****, you got nerve. You always have. And when you went to Dan Ryan and asked for this match [DM: WHAT?] and you know you did, I know you did… you backed me into a corner. See, I was gonna let it go. I was going to work on myself…for you…AGAIN. I was gonna change even more, give even more, squeeze lemon juice out of my nuts if need be, UNTIL…..
UNTIL…..you wanted to sell me again. Because it made sense. Because it’s the only place up you had to go. You were addicted to the big numbers, the big names and you put me and Baby Moses in a raft and you pushed us down wind.
Once I knew what you accused me of was true, once I knew you cared more about your status, the belt, the glory, the BUSINESS…than me….it was easy to sober up a second time.
You saved me once, and just for a little bit I didn’t have to depend on my…[Melton pauses briefly before turning to the gorgeous man on his right.] brother to get on along. My TWIN BROTHER.
DT: HOLY PETE!
[Crowd BUZZES!]
JOEY MELTON: When I hit rock bottom, when you busted my balls at WRESTLEVERSE and pissed on everything we had…I looked good and deep at myself, and I decided to get honest. For the first time in my career I decided to come clean. And the truth is….the truth that set me free: JOEY MELTON IS A LIE.
MN: WHAT!
JOEY MELTON: Joey Melton is not rich. Has never been rich. Does not have fine taste. And he does not know a damn thing about the good life or read a book that didn’t have colored pages.
And he is not an only child.
What Joey Melton is, is a product of his environment. I am a product of divorce! I never married because I swore I’d never do to a family what I…what my brother and I had done to us. My mother kicked my daddy out, forced him out. A woman who could barely care for herself fought for custody for one child, not both. She didn’t want both. She wanted one just because it’d break my daddy’s heart. And Lindsay, being the older brother….I looked my mom in the eyes and I said the words I’ve most regretted in my life. “Mom, I’ll stay.”
And I stayed and my life became a living hell. Living a life worse than what people who crawl through chain link fences to get into this country experience. I let my brother go, because I was good and decent. And it may be the last time I ever was.
Lindsay, Alison, she was never rich. She was a way out yes, but she never provided me with anything when she left. Anything I’ve ever had in my life, my BROTHER gave to me. You see, he went to college, he got the smarts and he played the Stock Market into a mega fortune. At 25 he retired! And he came to look for me! He came to look for the boy left behind and he found me, wrestling for ****ing peanuts in a warehouse in Greensboro! He found me, the new-age carnie, just like our parents….the showman! And he said, “Joey, my brother….you don’t HAVE to do this. You don’t have to WORK! To give yourself to these pods. To the lower class! You’re above them now. You’re a part of me.” And you know what he said next, Lindsay. It’s the same words we said to each other, “What’s mine is yours, and what’s yours is mine.” And he went out and bought me a thousand dollar suit. He bought me shoes that were worth as much as my life. He bought me a suite next to the Trumps. He read me English Literature at night. He bought it all for me, because I set him free!
But it wasn’t all free. I had something he didn’t. The Showman genes….the athletic talent. He supported me, funneled me hundreds of thousands of dollars under the condition that I let him see life through my eyes. He welcomed me into his world, and I took him into mine. I…took my brother as an apprentice. I trained him from the ground up. And for the last nineteen years, Lindsay, we’ve been the greatest show this sport has ever seen.
DT: What’s he implying!
MN: Genius!
JOEY MELTON: You know how it is, Lindsay. There are just some nights you don’t want to go to work. [laughs] So I’d take a week off, and let my brother tour. I’d stay home and enjoy the good life. Did it matter to me when he lost more than his share of matches? Not for a second, baby, because I was finally clear of the life that I ran from as a child! But…. [Melton leans against the ropes next to Troy.] you could only run from yourself for so long. It began to eat at me….the fact that I was lying to the public, lying to myself. That I wasn’t half the man people thought I was. So anything I had in this business that was mine, I drank, gambled away or put in my arms. Troy, what you saw in Japan that night…that shell of a man…THAT WAS JOEY MELTON. And you told me it was okay. You told me it was okay to be myself. And I believed EVERY WORD YOU SAID. I told my brother not a penny more. I moved out…and I tried to win your hand with a clean slate…I tried to win your love being me. And only me. And it worked. And it really worked….I did love you Troy. You’ll never know how much. But just when I thought life was finally roses…just when I was settled and playing a winning hand…you crawled in this ring and said the words that destroyed me as a boy, “I WANT A DIVORCE!” You told me I wasn’t good enough, that you wanted out! How dare you Lindsay! How dare you lead me out of the darkness and then say, “BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH!”
Lesson one learned in life was never trust a woman. It took a lot to put it to rest, but I did. I should’ve listened to my gut…
MN: Wherever he is, Dan Quayle loves this guy now, even more!
DM: [laughs]
JOEY MELTON: I told you I’d put on a show. I told you the Circus was back in town. But it didn’t have to be like this. You chose to play me for a fool! And nobody! No WOMAN! WILL EVER DO THAT AGAIN!
[looking off into the crowd.]
THERE’S A NEW ERA UPON EPW! Joey Melton is your new ringleader! And I’m telling you now to fasten your seat belts, because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!
[CUTTO: The Melton brothers hugging. Joey staring at the EPW World title like a father would hold a newborn.]
DT: I’m still not sure what we witnessed…
MN: We’re in psycho Ville and Melton is the mayor!
DT: I’ve…..well, I’ve just gotta digest everything that’s just happened.
DM: I’m absolutely speechless. Absolutely speechless.
DT: Well, for our NEW partners in crime…I’m Dave Thomas….we’ll be right back here with NIGHT TWO of Wrestlestock tomorrow night!!!
FIN