[“Headstrong” by Trapt begins to play over the PA.]

DT: Regardless… it seems as though the show must go on.

[Cameron Cruise and Joey Melton appear and receive a sizable pop, save for a number of jeers directed at Melton. The two of them confidently approach the ring.]

DT: The former tag team champions are coming to the ring now… but man, how is it going to affect the gameplan of the Highland Park Social Club now that Farnswirth’s out?

DM: Affects them on a lot of levels, Dave.

MN: You know, as much as I respect the brilliant minds of Highland Park Social Club, I don’t think the team had a chance against Joey Melton, regardless of who was wrestling this match.

[As Cruise and Melton pace the ring, “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin begins to play. The arena fills with boos as Chip Friendly and Slambo the Clown appear at the top of the stage. Richard Farnswirth is nowhere to be seen.]

DT: Oh, what’s this? Chipper and Slambo coming to the ring without Richard Farnswirth?

DM: I’m being told that Richard Farnswirth is being restrained backstage, as Dan Ryan has officially barred him from accompanying his team to the ring tonight!

MN: Ew… Dan Ryan’s going to have his lawyer’s in his ear for the next week after this incident.

[Chip Friendly and Slambo the Clown hit the ring and show off their titles to the booing audience in mass. After handing off the belts to the ref, they go to their corner to warm-up while Cruise and Melton say a few things to each other before the match begins.]

DT: Looks like this one is going to start off with Chip and Joey…

MN: It’s only natural that the man who finishes this match starts it off…

DT: There’s the bell! Melton and Chipper circling each other for a bit… and they lock up with a collar and elbow hold! Chip quickly overpowers and puts Melton into a headlock!

DM: Melton quickly slips out and reverses with a hammerlock!

DT: Chip counters with a blunt elbow to the face, and Joey backs off, rubbing his chin!

DM: You can always expect a great technical face-off between these two competitors.

MN: I never understood the whole “technical” thing. What matters is who puts the other guy’s ass on the floor.

DT: The two lock up again. This time, Melton gains the upper hand and goes for a hip-toss—which Chip Friendly quickly counters with an arm wrench! Melton follows through with the hold by flipping onto his back, and quickly goes for a standing Fujiwara Armbar! Friendly responds by finding Melton’s leg and going for a side leglock—but is immediately derailed with a boot to the face. Both men roll to their feet, and another face-off ensues.

MN: My God, I just went cross-eyed.

DT: Incredible performance from these two individuals! This is TRULY a test of skill!

DM: They’re evenly matched at this point. This is like watching a chess game, with every move carefully calculated and thought through. But at this point, you’ve gotta devise a plan to get the edge.

DT: The two go for another lock-up. Friendly quickly goes for a knee, but Melton catches him by the leg and immediately nails him with a low blow! OOOH!!

DM: Ouch… well, I guess when all else fails, THAT will give you the edge you need.

MN: HAHAHAHA!! That’s Joey for ya. You give him the challenge, and he thinks a way through it. That’s the ONE THING that separates him from everyone else.

DT: Melton takes a threat from the referee, and now he’s making his move… Chip back to his feet, but Melton quickly catches him with a BULLDOG!

MN: Friendly attempts to rise… but Melton quickly follows up with a low dropkick to the face!

DT: Joey Melton has officially turned this match into his favor!

MN: That didn’t take long at all…

DT: With Friendly rolling on the mat holding his face, Melton seizes the opportunity to wrap one of his legs into a single crab! Chip quickly reaches for the nearby bottom ropes as he writhes in pain. Melton ignores the referee’s first command to break the hold!

DM: The ref is giving him the count! One… two… three… four… and Melton releases the hold!

MN: My man Joey is in full control…

DM: We’ll see if he can maintain that kind of momentum with the referee giving him lip every other move…

MN: That’s just his tactic, man. Rules are simply in place so the weak have a fighting chance in this sport… a handicap on what TRUE talent really is.

DT: Chip Friendly slowly makes it to his feet while the Melton argues with the ref… and he sneaks up behind Melton with a roll-up from behind! There’s One… and Melton almost effortlessly muscles out!

MN: Whoa, WHAT—?!

DM: Both men quickly roll to their feet. Melton steps in with a clothesline—

DT: DUCKED by Chip Friendly, who bounces off the ropes and catches Melton off guard with a low sweep! Chip quickly follows up with an elbow to Melton’s back while he rises, knocking him forward into the ropes.

DM: Friendly… pushes Melton’s head down while his neck rests on the second rope, choking the air out of him!!

DT: The referee is counting… one… two… three… four… and Friendly backs off!

DM: Looks like your man is on the ropes, Mike.

MN: Horse****…

DT: What goes around comes around, I suppose.

DM: Friendly smashes his forearm over Melton’s head as he rises to his feet and leads him to his corner. He tags in Slambo the Clown and dumps Melton in the corner…

DT: Slambo steps in, and both men begin to double-team stomp Melton into the corner! Why isn’t the ref stopping this?!

DM: Cameron Cruise quickly hops into the ring to even things up, but is stopped by the referee! And now Slambo finds the opportunity to choke Melton with his foot!!

MN: That moron Cruise is just making it worse for Joey!

DT: At least he’s trying to come to the aid of his friend, Mike.

DM: The ref finally sends Cruise out of the ring, then turns around and discovers the massacre in the opposite corner. He quickly orders Slambo to stop the choke hold and tells Friendly to get back on the apron! Friendly goes outside as Slambo breaks the hold and brings Melton to his feet… and a HARD whip to the opposite corner sends Melton staggering into the center of the ring!

DT: Slambo quickly catches him with a Scoop Slam! On his feet… hits the ropes… and blasts Melton again with a Leg Drop over his face!

MN: He’s getting KILLED in there! This is preposterous!

DT: Slambo hooks the leg for a cover… ONE… TWO… Melton kicks out!

DM: Don’t worry, Mike… Melton’s not the kind of guy who goes down easily.

DT: Slambo brings the weary Melton back to his feet, quickly slaps on a waistlock from behind, and follows through with a hammering Pump-Handle Suplex! And he’s going for ANOTHER pin! One… Two… NO! Melton kicks out again!

DM: Slambo YANKS HIS HAIR with frustration! And now he’s going for another pin!

DT: Looks like Slambo’s looking to end this quick! One… Two—and Melton with a quick kick out!

MN: Stupid clown! You can’t pin Joey Melton! Well, maybe if you drop a Volkswagon on him in the right place… but even then, I’m sure he’ll somehow find a way to slip out of the hold and slap on a Crossface, or something.

DM: …wait, you’re suggesting that Joey Melton could reverse a Volkswagon being dropped on his head and lock a submission hold onto a car?

MN: A car that happens to be hurtling off the top of a parking lot, mind you!

DT: Slambo is angry that Joey Melton won’t stay down!! He begins to bring him up to his feet again… and Melton counters with a thumb to the eye! My God, the Melton-haters in the audience tonight are really letting him hear it for that one!

MN: Yeah-hah!

DM: Slambo, enraged, puts Melton back to the mat with a VICIOUS CLOTHESLINE!!

MN: Aw…

DT: Slambo nurses his eye for a bit… and now pain is replaced with fury! He quickly begins to stomp Melton at his place on the mat, and brings him back to his feet! Scoops him up... Uh-oh, Slambo looks to be going for a TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER—

DM: No, wait!

DT: No wait, Melton’s legs are kicking in the air! Now he’s falling back… and he REVERSES THE HOLD WITH A PILEDRIVER OF HIS OWN!!

MN: YEE-HAW!! THERE IT IS!!

DM: Now’s his chance to get out of the ring…

DT: Melton quickly rolls to his corner and tags in the waiting Cameron Cruise. Cruise hits the ring to an IMMENSE crowd pop, putting a recovering Slambo back down on the mat with a heavy dropkick to the face!

DM: Slambo quickly comes back up, but Cruise, keeping the momentum, hits the ropes and puts him down again with a clothesline!

DT: And now CHIP FRIENDLY is looking derail Cruise, now ascending the near turnbuckle! He’s waiting for Cruise to turn around!!

DM: Cruise turns, and Friendly leaps off with an Axe-Handle Smash—OH NO!!

DT: Friendly quickly comes hurtling to the mat in a heap as Cruise knocks him out of the air with an AMAZING Dropkick to the midsection!

[Cruise hops to his feet and whoops, getting a huge charge from the audience!]

DT: Cameron Cruise has just lit this ring on fire!

DM: Looks like he saved Melton’s ass, Mike.

MN: Wait, wait, wait… let’s get something straight. Yeah, Cruise is in control of things at the moment. But NOBODY ever saves Melton’s ass, but MELTON! Never forget that, Matthews!

DT: Friendly rolls to the floor in pain, as does Joey Melon, leaving Cruise in the ring with a staggering Slambo.

DM: Cruise quickly catches him on his feet, hooks him around the head… and follows up with a beautiful Verticle Suplex! Cruise, back on his feet, hits the ropes and lands an elbow drop across the chest before rolling over for the cover!

DT: And now Cruise with the first pin attempt for the Cameron Cruise Project… ONE… TWO… and Slambo kicks out!

DM: Cruise has him momentarily stunned, but we all know that clown can take an awful lot of punishment before he goes down…

MN: He has to, considering he’s the HPSC whipping post…

DT: Both men rise quickly after the pin is broken. Cruise catches Slambo off guard with an Arm Drag, putting the clown to the mat again!

DM: Slambo sits up, but Cruise catches him in the back of the head with a low dropkick! Slambo quickly rolls to the corner to escape the assault and manages to get to his feet before being met by Cruise with an elbow to the face! Cruise goes for an Irish Whip to the opposite corner—

DT: REVERSED BY SLAMBO!!

DM: Cruise hits the other corner with a THUD!

DT: Slambo CHARGES… but is met with a BOOT TO THE FACE! Slambo turns away, staggering… giving Cruise the chance to hit the second rope and jump off with a BULLDGO THAT NEARLY PUT A DENT INTO THE CANVAS!!

DM: Cruise rolls him over and hooks the leg for a pin…

DT: And here’s the pin! ONE… TWO… NO!! Slambo manages to kick out…

MN: Bah… if Melton had his kind of control, and came into the ring with that same level of momentum, this match would be over by now!

DM: You really think so, Mike?

MN: No doubt. Joey would have had that stupid human punching bag slapping the mat in agony by now…

DT: Cruise tries to keep the momentum going by bringing Slambo to his feet and locking on a front-face headlock, looking for a Swinging Neckbreaker—but Slambo quickly reverses it with a NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX!!

DM: Cruise painfully comes to his feet, but is winded instantly with a sidekick from Slambo to the midsection that causes him to collapse on his knees! Slambo follows up with an angry knee to the side of his head that puts him on the mat, and stomps furiously until the referee orders him back!

MN: No, NO! Cruise, you idiot! Had a feeling Cruise was going to screw this up eventually. That was a PRIME moment to tag in Joey and give him the opportunity to end this thing!

DM: To be honest, Mike… Joey still looks like he’s recovering out there on the apron.

MN: Are you BLIND, Dean? Well, maybe not blind… but obviously not intelligent enough to realize that Melton’s only FEIGNING exhaustion and pain!

DM: …what?

MN: It makes his opponents think, “Hm, Joey Melton’s looking a little tired! I guess this won’t be so hard!” And then they let their defenses down, and that’s just where he wants them! Next thing you know… BAM!! He catches them when they least expect it, and it’s game over.

DM: Game over?

MN: Game over, man! Game over!

DT: If you’re done with your Bill Paxton impressions, Mike, we’ve got a match to call…

MN: You two donkey-dicks couldn’t get laid in a morgue!

DM: Shut up, Mike…

DT: Slambo waits for the dazed Cameron Cruise to get to his feet using the ropes… and quickly hits him over the back with an Axe-Handle Smash to keep him stunned! He capitalizes by spinning Cruise around and dropping him with a FRONT RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP!!

DM: Still in control, Slambo gets Cruise to his feet and takes him to his corner… and now he tags in Chip Friendly, smiling that good ol’ smile of his!

DT: Slambo holds Cruise from behind as Friendly measures him up and CHOPS him across the chest!

DM: WHOOOOO!!

DT: Why does everybody “WHOO” every time somebody chops another guy?

MN: It’s what you’re supposed to do, Dave! God, how long have you been watching this sport again?

DM: Yeah, Dave, get with the freaking times!

DT: Friendly throws Cruise into the corner where he lays in ANOTHER knife-edge chop across the chest!

DM: WHOOOOO!!

DT: Whoo.

DM: No, no, you gotta give it more emphasis…

DT: Friendly lays in a THIRD chop!

DM: WHOOOO!!

DT: Whoo-ooo-oo…!

MN: Damnit, Dave… remind me not to invite you to my Superbowl Party.

DM: Back in the ring, Friendly pries the red-chested Cameron Cruise from the corner and drops him with a Snapmare!

DT: And Chip Friendly locks on the DRAGON SLEEPER!! Cruise is in danger of tapping out!

DM: Maybe… but I think Cruise can go a little further than this…

MN: Bah… I see Cruise is doing what he does best.

DM: What’s that, Mike?

MN: Taking all the hits, naturally. He sits in there and lets the other team beat the hell out of him until they tire themselves out. That makes them easy pickens for Melton to finish them off!

DT: Cruise attempts to bring himself closer to the ropes, but Friendly keeps him centered in the middle of the ring!

DM: And now Melton, either out of urgency, sympathy, or more likely boredom, steps into the ring… and he breaks up the hold with a stiff kick to Chip Friendly’s back!

DT: The referee quickly gets in his face, but chaos ensues as Friendly pushes the ref aside and meets Melton with a shot to the face! Melton returns it, and the two start going toe to toe!!

DM: And now Slambo hits the ring to come to Friendly’s aid, but is quickly tripped up by a recovering Cameron Cruise!

DT: Uh-oh, here we go…

DM: The referee is totally losing control of this thing… he’s focused on getting Melton out of the ring, but he’s a bit tied up as overpowers Friendly in the punching war and moves him into the corner!

DT: On the opposite side of the ring, Cruise is taking a beating from Slambo. And now he takes ahold of him by the arm—

DM: —and Melton whips Chip Friendly out of his corner—

DT: —where Cameron Cruise meets him in the middle of the ring with a CLOTHESLINE!!
DM: Cruise slowly turns around… only to be HAMMERED to the mat by Slambo the Clown, who comes charging out of the corner with a running Shoulder Block!

DT: Melton quickly charges out of his own corner and levels Slambo with a dropkick!

[With three men on the ground, Melton finds the opportunity to smirk and flaunt himself to the audience, most of whom boo.]

MN: HAHAHAHA!! There he is, JOEY MELTON at his finest!

DT: Melton ignores the referee’s orders and goes to the outside. Meanwhile, Cruise and Friendly are the first to recover in the ring. As they come to their feet, Cameron quickly goes for a swinging right hook—which Friendly ducks, and quickly follows up with a BACK SUPLEX, dropping Cruise on his back near his corner!

DM: Joey Melton just looks down at him and shakes his head… and now he’s reaching out for the tag. Cruise holds out his hand… but is denied as Friendly drags him back into the middle of the ring!

DT: Nowhere to go for Cameron Cruise… you almost have to wonder why Joey didn’t do more to help him gain control of this match during his time in the ring.

MN: It’s because Melton knows that only the strong survive in this game. And until Cruise can fight back, he isn’t WORTHY of Melton’s help!

DT: Cruise coming to stand on his right leg while Friendly has ahold of his left… goes for a REVERSE ENZIGURI—WHICH FRIENDLY DUCKS!! Friendly whips into the corner by the leg… and capitalizes with a BODY SPLASH!!

DM: Friendly takes him out of the corner by the arm… looks to whip him off the ropes—but Cruise reverses, and CLOTHESLINES HIM TO THE OUTSIDE!!

DT: Friendly LANDS ON HIS FEET! Great sense of balance there… but Cruise hits the other ropes, and JUMPS TO THE OUTSIDE WITH A CROSS-BODY BLOCK ONTO CHIP FRIENDLY!!

DM: The two of them are out on the floor next to the ring while Melton watches in dismay from the nearest apron… but now Slambo is coming into the ring while he and the ref are distracted, and HE JUST KNOCKED JOEY MELTON OFF THE APRON AND INTO THE BARRICADE!!

MN: THAT IDIOT CLOWN!! He’s gonna pay for that…

DT: Slambo rolls outside, and now all four men are before us at ringside! Slambo pulls Melton off the barricade, and SLAMS his head into it again!

DM: Cruise slow to get back on his feet… but meets a weary Chip Friendly, and drops him to the lightly padded CONCRETE FLOOR WITH A SNAP SUPLEX!!

DT: Slambo rams Melton’s head into the barricade AGAIN… and for a THIRD—NO, MELTON GETS HIS FOOT UP AND BLOCKS IT!! And now SLAMBO gets his head rammed into the barricade! And Melton takes Slambo by the hair and drives him into the nearest ringpost!!

DM: On the other side of the ring, Cruise takes Chip Friendly by the arm AND WHIPS HIM INTO THE STEEL STEPS!! Now he rolls him inside…

DT: And Melton rolls Slambo into the ring… now he scales up to the apron, and he’s going to UP THE TURNBUCKLE!!

DM: Cruise up the steps to the apron… and he’s going up his OWN turnbuckle!!

DT: The Cameron Cruise Project are perched upon opposite corners, and now Chip Friendly and Slambo the Clown are coming to their feet!

DM: Cruise and Melton… with a DOUBLE MISSILE DROPKICK FROM BOTH RINGPOSTS!! CRUISE ON SLAMBO!! MELTON ON FRIENDLY!!

DT: THEY SWITCHED TARGETS!! SIMPLY AMAZING!!

MN: You might find this hard to imagine, but a good 90% of the reason why that looked good was because of Joey Melton.

DT: Simply unbelievable… the Cameron Cruise Project has really got this crowd going! Cruise and Melton confer briefly, and now the ref is making Melton the legal man!

MN: About friggin’ time…

DT: Melton nudges Slambo out of the ring and goes for the pin on Chip Friendly! ONE… TWO… THR—NO!! Friendly manages to kick out…

DM: Was almost over right there…

MN: In fact, I’m pretty sure Melton was behind BOTH of those missile dropkicks.

DM: You’re saying that in one Missile Dropkick, Melton took out two opponents?

MN: Sounds impossible, right? Not with Joey Melton!!

DM: You’re inflating him to the likes of Chuck Norris.

MN: Norris ain’t got **** on Melton, Dean!!

DT: Now it’s time to watch Melton work his magic… he brings Friendly to his feet, and runs him into the ropes… KNEE TO THE GUT as he bounces off, sending him FLIPPING to his back! Melton keeps ahold of the arm, and hits him with an elbow drop inside the shouler!

DM: He’s gonna work those limbs down, make them too sore and weak to be functional… as a mat wrestler, like Friendly, you’re practically crippled when you’ve got no arms to work with.

MN: Poetry in motion, fellas.

DT: Joey Melton slaps on an armbar, and Chip Friendly looks like he’s in a lot of pain! Friendly quickly tries to reposition himself to work his way out, but Melton mounts his back keeping him pinned to the mat!

DM: Friendly reaches out for the bottom rope, but Melton strains the held arm to drag him away! Friendly trying to twist himself the other way… and THERE, he managed to slip his arm out, but now Melton has him in a Scissor Leglock, and locks on a REAR NAKED CHOKE!!

DT: NO!! Friendly gets his hand up in between Melton’s arm and his neck to protect his breathing! With his free arm, he’s going for a series of elbows into Melton’s body!!

DM: Melton looses up the hold, and now Friendly tries to roll to safety… but Melton quickly snatches him with a Front Facelock! Melton catches Friendly with a knee to the gut…

MN: DRILLS HIM WITH A BRAINBUSTER!! GOOD NIGHT, FRIENDLY!!

DT: Melton goes for the pin… FEET ON THE ROPES!!

DM: But the ref doesn’t see it!!

DT: ONE……. TWO………….. THREE—NO!! Slambo dives into the ring and kicks Melton off before a successful three count…

DM: Cruise in the ring now, and he catches Slambo before the ref can order him out of the ring! Now it’s Slambo and Cruise going toe to toe!!

DT: Melton watches the mauling while the ref tries to get things in order, and meanwhile, Friendly getting to his knees… why is he edging up behind Melton…?

DM: OOOH!! THAT HURT!!

DT: Chip Friendly with a BLATANT LOW BLOW to Joey Melton while the ref was distracted!!

MN: Aw COME ON!! Whatever happened to Joey Melton’s legendary balls of gold?!

DM: Chip Friendly FLOORS Melton with a REVERSE DDT!! And now he comes upon Cameron Cruise, still in fisticuffs with Slambo… BIIIIIG GERMAN SUPLEX PUTS HIM ON HIS BACK!!

MN: No, seriously… Melton’s balls ARE made of gold.

DM: What?

MN: It’s this old professional wrestling urban legend… that when Joey Melton was first presented his CSWA World Title back in ’88, he had them melt it down and used the gold as protective plating for his testicles… making them impenetrable to any force known to man!

DM: Mike… number one, that story is the biggest piece of **** I’ve heard. Number two, gold is a very malleable metal, known to bend or break under enough duress.

DT: What in God’s name are you two blabbering about?

MN: Two things that are worlds more important than YOU, Thomas! You’re hardly worthy enough to support them on your forehead, should such an occasion arise…

DT: Back to the match… The Tag Team Champions have finally got this match in their favor. Friendly is giving commands to Slambo, who picks Melton off the mat, and CLOTHESLINES HIM OVER THE ROPES TO THE OUTSIDE!!

DM: Now Friendly gets Cruise up to his feet… Melton is slow to get up outside, and Friendly whips Cruise to Slambo—who hits him with a BACK BODY DROP TO THE OUTSIDE ON TOP OF MELTON!!

MN: BAH!! Deadweight…

DT: Melton pushes Cruise off of him and the two get to their feet… and now Friendly hits the ropes and comes running to Slambo!!

DM: Slambo CATAPAULTS HIM OVER THE ROPES—AND CHIP FRIENDLY COMES CRASHING DOWN ONTO THE CAMERON CRUISE PROJECT!!

DT: MY GOD, what a move!

MN: I’m not here right now…

DM: Kiss your fifty bucks goodbye, Mike. Slambo rolls out of the ring, and helps Chip back to his feet… and now Friendly goes to Cruise, and Slambo goes to Melton!

DT: Chip Friendly gets Cameron Cruise to his feet and leads him to the steel stairs he was whipped into a few minutes ago! Friendly hoists him UP—DROPS HIM WITH A FRONT-FACE SUPLEX ON THE STEEL STEPS!!

DM: Slambo is leading Joey Melton up the rampway… now that’s a steel surface, no padding at all! Slambo gets Melton up to his feet… OH MY GOD!! THE LAST LAUGH ON THE RAMPWAY!! JOEY MELTON HAS BEEN LAID OUT!!

DT: Meanwhile, the Chipper rolls Cruise into the ring and slides inside, going for the pin!

DM: Are they even the legal men?

DT: Who knows? ONE………….

TWO………………..


THREE—OH WAIT, NO!! CRUISE KICKS OUT!!

MN: He BETTER have! There’s no reason why he should blow this match!!

DT: Melton and Slambo are still having it out on the rampway!! Slambo scoops Melton up and SLAMS HIM DOWN WITH A SPINEBUSTER up on the entry-way stage!! Kinda far from the action, don’t you think?

DM: Slambo’s doing exactly what Chip told him. Keep Melton far away while he tries to finish off Cameron Cruise!

MN: Because everybody knows Cruise is the weaker link! Damn HPSC… I hate to admit it, but that’s a damn smart tactic if you want a win over Joey Melton.

DT: Back in the ring, friendly pries Cruise off the mat and whips him into the ropes… DROP TOE HOLD DROPS HIM ON HIS FACE!!

DM: Note that he’s working on Cruise’s face!! He’s setting him up for his finisher…

DT: I think you’re right, Dean! Friendly takes Cruise by the back of the head and SLAMS IT REPEATEDLY into the mat! The ref breaks it up…

DM: Back over in another state, Slambo gets Melton to his feet and locks on an arm wrench… BUT MELTON REVERSE!! And Melton CHOPS Slambo to his back!!

MN: At least SOMEBODY’S taking charge!!

DT: Melton gets Slambo back to his feet… leads him to the END OF THE STAGE—OH MY GOD!!!

*CRASH!*

DT: MELTON JUST THREW SLAMBO OFF THE STAGE AND THROUGH A TABLE!! MELTON THREW HIM THROUGH THE TABLE WITH ALL THE PA CONTROLS!!

[Feedback fills the arena. The audience moans in audial pain until it subsides. “Headstrong” by Trapt begins to play.]

MN: What the hell is going on?

DT: Obviously we’re having some technical difficulties as the body of Slambo the Clown has all but crushed our sound equipment…

[The music begins to skip, and finally goes to fuzz until somebody pulls the plug backstage.]

MN: Thank God…

DT: Our ring crew will get to work on fixing that situation… Slambo, meanwhile, is just a motionless HEAP at the bottom of the stage! Melton is taking the time to catch his breath…

DM: Back in the ring… Chip Friendly mounts Cruise’s back… AND LOCKS ON THE SMILEY FACE!!

DT: Oh no, CRUISE HAS NOWHERE TO GO!! HE CAN ONLY TAP TO SAVE HIMSELF NOW!!

MN: My God, imagine how PAINFUL that is to have him pulling back on your mouth like that! GAWD!!

DT: The ref is checking if Cruise wants to tap, but he refuses! My God, Friendly looks like he’s ripping his FACE in half!!

DM: Melton sees the trouble, and COMES STREAKING DOWN THE RAMPWAY!!

MN: HERE HE COMES!!

DT: CRUISE LOOKS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO TAP—BUT MELTON ROLLS INSIDE THE RING!!

DM: Melton with a CLOTHESLINE to the back of Chip Friendly’s head, and breaks the hold!! He just saved this match from being over!!

MN: Thank God… Melton saves the day once again!

DT: Friendly quick gets back to his feet, but Melton catches with a kick to the gut and goes for a DDT!! Melton rolls over for the cover…

ONE……….


TWO……….


THREE—OH NO, FRIENDLY KICKS OUT!!

MN: DAMNIT!!

DM: Melton is looking to end this now! He’s taking Chipmeister by the legs… and going for the FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK!!

DT: No wait, Chip Friendly is fighting… and KICKS MELTON OFF before he can get the hold locked in!!

DM: Wait a minute, it looks like Slambo has finally recovered over by the stage… and here he comes running back down to the ring with a CHAIR in hand!!

MN: That stupid clown better not do what I think he’s going to do…

DT: Melton puts Chip Friendly to the mat with a SLINGSHOT SUPLEX… and now he sees Slambo the Clown coming into the ring with that chair!!

DM: The referee is there to stop him, and now he’s trying to pull the chair out of Slambo’s hands! Melton is prepared for the worst, and… wait, what is Chip Friendly doing?

DT: It looks like he’s pulling a pair of BRASS KNUCKLES OUT OF HIS TIGHTS!!

DM: Melton turns around… BAM!! FRIENDLY CATCHES HIM WITH A BLOW TO THE JAW WITH THAT ILLEGAL OBJECT!!

MN: OH THAT RAT BASTARD!! Chip Friendly is not friend of mine!!

DT: Friendly tosses the evidence and hooks Joey Melton’s leg for the pin!!



ONE!!!!!!



TWO!!!!!!!







THREEE—OOH NO NO NO!! CRUISE BREAKS IT UP!!

MN: OH MY GOD, I nearly had a heart attack!!

DM: Looks like Cameron Cruise isn’t all THAT worthless, Mike.

MN: He’s good when he screws his head on right…

DT: Cruise drags Friendly to his feet… and the Chipper goes for a right—BLOCKED by Cruise!! Cameron counters with a boot to the gut… and a HIGH IMPACT DDT!!

DM: Friendly isn’t looking too good… and now Melton is back on his feet, and HE’S GOING AFTER SLAMBO!! MELTON JUST KNOCKED HIM OFF THE APRON!!

DT: Cruise brings Chip Friendly to his feet… SHIPWRECK!! SHIPWRECK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING, THIS ONE IS OVER!!

DM: Melton makes the pin as Cruise goes to the outside…

DT: ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!









TWO!!!!!!!!!!




TTHHHHERREEEE—OH WAIT, NO, FRIENDLY KICKED OUT!!

DM: How in the HELL did he manage to do that?!

DT: It’s no wonder these two carry the tag titles…

MN: Damnit… if it had been MELTON doing that move, this thing would be over by now!!

DM: HPSC doesn’t go down without a fight…

DT: Joey Melton can’t believe it… he sends Cameron Cruise to the outside… and now he looks to finish things off by slapping on THE FIGURE FOUR LEGLOCK ONTO CHIP FRIENDLY!!

MN: Alright, IT’S OVER!!

DM: FRIENDLY HAS NOWHERE TO GO!! HE HAS TO TAP!! GOD, HOW IS HE BEARING THAT PAIN?!

DT: Joey Melton COULD END THIS RIGHT NOW!! HOW LONG WILL THE CHIPMEISTER HOLD OUT?!

DM: Wait, SLAMBO COMES INTO THE RING WITH THE CHAIR—

MN: NO!! STOP THAT STUPID CLOWN!!

*WHACK!*

DT: SLAMBO JUST TOOK OUT THE REF WITH THE CHAIR!! OH THE HUMANITY!!

*WHACK!!*

DM: SLAMBO TAKES OUT MELTON WITH A CHAIRSHOT!! Cruise hits the ring—

*WHACK!!*

DT: AND SLAMBO PUTS HIM DOWN WITH ANOTHER CHAIRSHOT!! MY GOD, SLAMBO THE CLOWN IS CLEANING HOUSE!!

MN: FOOL!!

DT: Slambo tries to help Chip Friendly to his feet, but the Chipper can barely stand on those weakened legs…

MN: El Chipperino may never stand again. Such is the fate of many who have fallen to Melton.

DT: Friendly rolls to the corner to recover, and now this match belongs to Slambo!

DM: Slambo sets the chair on the mat and brings the dazed Melton to his feet… sets him up on his shoulders… OH MY GOD, BIG DEATH VALLEY DRIVER ONTO THE STEEL CHAIR!!

MN: This CAN’T BE HAPPENING!!

DT: Melton looks like the WALKING DEAD!! Slambo gets him to his feet… OH MY GOD, JOY BUZZER!! JOY BUZZER IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!! HE DRAGS CHIP FRIENDLY ON TOP!!

MN: ****!! I HATE THAT CLOWN!!!

DM: THIS ONE IS OVER!! BUT WHERE’S THE REF?!

DT: Slambo goes to wake the ref, who is still in La-La Land after that chairshot… but now Cameron Cruise is recovering, and he picks up the chair!!

*WHACK!!*

DM: AND SLAMBO IS STILL STANDING, EVEN AFTER THAT CHAIR SHOT!!

MN: I don’t believe it…

DT: Cruise picks up the chair to strike AGAIN!!

*WHACK!!*

*WHACK!!*

*WHACK!!*

MN: OH MAN, HE AIN’T STANDING ANY MORE!!

DT: MY GOD!! IT TOOK THREE CONSECUTIVE CHAIRSHOTS TO PUT SLAMBO DOWN!! MY GOD, HOW CAN A HUMAN BEING TAKE THAT MUCH PUNISHMENT?!

MN: It’s called NOT HAVING ENOUGH BRAINS TO DAMAGE!!

DM: Cruise drops the chair… and here comes CHIP FRIENDLY OUT OF THE CORNER!!

DT: Cruise meets him with a BOOT TO THE GUT!! REALITY CHECK ON THE CHAIR!! OH MY GOD!!

DM: JESUS BUTT-****ING CHRIST!! Cruise DRAGS THE UNCONCIOUS MELTON ON TOP and WAKES UP THE REF!!

DT: HERE’S THE COUNT!!




ONE!!!!!!!!






TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






TTTTTHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MN: YYYEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

*ding!ding!ding!*

TF: The winner of this match, by pinfall… THE CAMERON CRUISE PROJECT!!!

DT: THEY DID IT!! CAMERON CRUISE PROJECT HAVE WON THE TAG TITLES!!

MN: THEY GOT IT BACK! I KNEW IT!!

DM: What an unbelievable match…

DT: Friendly and Slambo took it all the way, but in the end, couldn’t hold up without Richard Farnswirth’s leadership.

MN: Eh, with or without, this match belonged to Melton the entire time.

DM: Mike, Melton isn’t even awake to realize that he’s the newly crowned Empire Pro Tag Team Champion. Don’t you think Cruise deserves a little credit for making the save there in the end?

MN: That wasn’t Cruise. Joey Melton was controlling him WITH HIS MIND!!

DM: …with his mind?

MN: Yes, that’s Joey Melton’s other power, other than being a badass wrestler. Every time you see him limp in the ring looking like he’s out, he’s not really, he’s just projecting his mind into another body to do his bidding.

DM: …what the hell? Do you really BELIEVE the bull**** that comes out of your mouth?

MN: Hey, DON’T DENY the power of Melton.

DM: Why doesn’t he just do the work through his own body, then?

DT: Yeah, and shouldn’t you also account body weight into the matter? Does that make a difference in how much control he has over the other person’s body?

DM: Dave, just for one second, give me the impression that you’re NOT stupid enough to buy this ****…

DT: Well, regardless… INCREDIBLE performance from both teams, but TONIGHT, the CCP go home once again as the EPW Tag Team Champions.