DT: We’re back! And I’m told we’re finally receiving video from the street fight!

[CUT TO: A bus stop somewhere... where a Greyhound has pulled in. With a rumble of its engine the vehicle begins to pull away, revealing Dan Ryan and IrishRed standing at the bus stop, refreshed and mysteriously cleaned up.]

DT: Well, folks, it looks like Dan Ryan and IrishRed have made it to Las Vegas!

[Ryan and Red look at each other.]

RYAN: Well. Viva Las Vegas.

DT: --OH, Ryan wasting NO time here DRIVING that big foot into the gut of IrishRed! Red shoots forward and slams Ryan into the wall behind him! Ryan hammering on Red's back - throws him off, to the sidewalk!

MN: Where ARE they, anyway?

DM: Looks like they're... somewhere on the strip, apparently.

DT: IrishRed down on the sidewalk, whirling to his feet - oops, he backed into the street and my GOD HE ALMOST GOT RAN OVER BY A CAB! This is dangerous!

DM: Look at Ryan! He's just STALKING towards Red like an ANIMAL, FORCING him to back into the traffic!

DT: Red's backing into the road and BY GOD THAT BEETLE JUST ABOUT RAN INTO HIM! Oh, look out, IrishRed! Watch out for the van!

MN: Sweet, there goes a 'vette!

DM: IrishRed's turning tail and just bolting across the road!

DT: Dan Ryan hot on IrishRed's heels as he chases him across the Vegas strip -

MN: He's heading for those, uh, those big towers there!

DT: Looks like IrishRed is making a beeline for the Mandalay Bay complex, and Dan Ryan is hot on his heels, chasing him through the crowds of people lining the sidewalk - wait a minute, Red's getting tangled in the crowd - Ryan catches up with him and SLUGS him in the back but Red keeps going!

DM: IrishRed knows he needs to get into clear waters before he can stand a chance against the Ego Buster! Look at all these shocked people!

MN: They don't know WHAT to do!

DT: Red bolting up the way to the building - bursts through the front doors and into the lobby, and Dan Ryan is right behind him! Now IrishRed running past a stand of brochures, grabbing a handful, and he throws them back into Dan Ryan's face! Ryan's batting the fluttering brochures away, but he's been slowed down a little!

DM: Wait, Red's coming right at him - SPEARS DAN RYAN OUT OF HIS BOOTS AND DOWN TO THE FLOOR!!!

DT: IrishRed comes down on top of Ryan and starts pounding on him with rights and lefts! Ryan covering up but Red is like a bulldog here!

MN: The boss'll get him! Just you wait!

DT: Wait a second - OHHHMYGOD RYAN JUST GRABS IRISHRED AND PICKS HIM UP OVER HIS HEAD LIKE A STRUGGLING CHILD!!! Carries him into the lobby - oh God, eyeing those SLOT MACHINES - no, boss, don't do it! - OH GOD HE LAWN DARTS IRISHRED FACE FIRST INTO A SLOT MACHINE AND DID YOU HEAR THAT SICKENING CRASH!!!

MN: --Ahahaha! Look at that! IrishRed hit the jackpot!

DT: Those, those tokens are just spilling out over the body of IrishRed!

MN: Well, he may be dead, but he'll die rich!

DT: A smirking Dan Ryan advancing on his prone foe - wait, IrishRed stirs! He's flinging those tokens at Dan Ryan like bullets! The big man covers up to block the assault!

DM: Hey, look, what's that waitress doing here?

MN: Is that a martini?

DT: Red pings another token off of Ryan - grabs the drink tray from the waitress - sets the martini aside and NAILS RYAN IN THE FACE WITH THE DRINK TRAY! The Ego Buster's stunned... And now IrishRed... sips the martini!

MN: Shaken, not stirred -

DT: -AND THEN HE SHAKES DAN RYAN'S BRAINS WITH A VICIOUS SUPERKICK AND I THINK HE JUST TOOK THE BOSS' HEAD OFF!!!

MN: Booooo! IrishRed is an Octo*****!

DM: I dunno, it looks to me like he's got a license to kill here tonight!

DT: Oh no, and Red just dumped the rest of that martini on Dan Ryan! What a sickening thing to do - OH GOD AND NOW HE SMASHES THE GLASS IN DAN RYAN'S FACE AND THE BOSS HOWLS IN PAIN!!! DEAR GOD, TALK ABOUT SALT IN A MAN'S WOUNDS!!!

DM: ...That has to be the most unique adaptation I've seen when it comes to smashing a bottle of beer in a guy's face.

DT: Red not relenting here! Takes Dan Ryan by the hair - drags him through the lobby and SLAMS his face against a wall! Now pulls him back - hooks him up - GOD, SPEARS HIM THROUGH A NEARBY SET OF DOUBLE DOORS!!!

MN: --Hey, look!

DT: Th-that's the corridor to the Events Center! And it looks like there's something going on - uh-oh!

[CUT TO: The camera pans up to a wrestling ring in the middle of the Events Center. There is a sign posted from the rafters.]

DT: UCW?!

DM: Whoa, it's an Ultimate Championship Wrestling show!

MN: Oh, snap! This is gonna be like when we had to bleep out <BEEP> on TV, isn't it?!

DM: They still beep it out? Why, that's just- GXW!!! <beep>-ha I beat the censor!

DT: I can't believe this! Dan Ryan and IrishRed have coincidentally ended up at a UCW show, and IrishRed has just thrown Ryan into the crowd! Ryan struggles to get away and reaches the barricade... Red heads after him - kick to the gut by Red! Calling for the DDT - wait no RYAN BACK BODY DROPS IRISH RED OVER THE BARRICADE AND DOWN TO RINGSIDE!!!

MN: Look at that! The two guys in the ring don't know WHAT to make of all this!

[CUT TO: The ring. Two jobbers are watching Ryan and Red in confusion!]

DT: A bloody and infuriated Dan Ryan in control now! Fishes a steel chair out of the crowd... he's tapping it against the ground and waiting for Red to get up... SMASHES HIM RIGHT IN THE ******* FACE WITH THE UNFORGIVING STEEL!!! IRISHRED HITS THE FLOOR AND HE MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD!!!

DM: Ryan's not finished yet!

MN: Get 'im, boss! Kick his ass!

DT: Ryan slams the chair down onto IrishRed's prone body! And one more time! And again he brings that brutal steel down onto the twitching corpse of the Irishman! The fury in Dan Ryan's face is palpable!

DM: He wants to end IrishRed's life! He's been taken out of EPW and dragged all the way here, and he wants blood!

DT: One of the UCW talents stepping through the ropes to get a closer look... OH GOD RYAN JUST SLAMMED THAT CHAIR INTO THE SKULL OF THE UCW PROSPECT!!! AND AGAIN!!! HE'S FURIOUS AND LASHING OUT AT ANYTHING THAT PISSES HIM OFF!!! And now he storms over to IrishRed - grabs him by the arm and drags him up, and WHIPS HIM BODILY INTO THE RING STAIRS!

MN: He shook the stairs right off the pole!

DM: Dan Ryan is a man possessed! He's seething with fury and he is NOT going to let IrishRed walk away from this match with his life! Those two UCW kids had better stay out of his way!

DT: Now Ryan, picking up IrishRed... oh, Red's been busted open by those chairshots! Look at the blood running down his face! God, what a gory mess he is, and Dan Ryan rolls him into the ring - climbs in after him and LEVELS THE OTHER UCW GUY WITH THAT DAMN STEEL CHAIR!!!

DM: There's still blood spattered across the chair!

DT: AND AGAIN RYAN DRIVES THAT CHAIR DOWN ONTO THE FALLEN RED! Drops to a knee and picks him up by the hair - DRIVING THAT HUGE FIST INTO THE CUT ON IRISHRED'S FOREHEAD! RED SCREAMING IN PAIN!!!

MN: As he should be! He's getting what he deserves for attacking our company! He's getting what he deserves for talking crap about Dan Ryan's daughter!

DT: Dropping Red to the ground, Ryan comes up again and SLAMS a boot down onto Red's face! Sizes him up - wait, one of the UCW guys is getting up - Ryan DRIVES a boot into his gut! Now sets him up -- CALLING FOR IT -- OH GOD, look where he's standing, right near Red! HOISTS UP THE PROSPECT - HUMILITY BOMB!!! HUMILITY BOMB ONTO IRISHRED!!! THE WEIGHT OF THAT UCW WRESTLER COMES CRASHING DOWN ONTO IRISHRED'S BROKEN BODY!!! RYAN ROLLS THE KID OFF!!! GOES FOR THE COVER!!!

ONE -


TWO -



THREE!



--NO!!! NO!!! IRISHRED KICKED OUT!!!

MN: AAAAAH! That was three!

DM: Ohhh no, so close! Red got the shoulder up just in time! Good lord, it was almost over!

DT: Ryan can't believe it! He thought this match was his! Not wasting a minute, though - grabs Red by the hair and throws him violently against the turnbuckles! SLAMS THE CHAIR INTO HIS FACE!!! Now dropping the chair behind him - Ryan grabs Red and OH NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX ONTO THE CHAIR!!! HOLDS ON!!! ONE -

TWO -


THREE - NO, IRISHRED KICKED OUT!

DM: IrishRed is reaching down deep inside and pulling out the will to survive! You have to admire the guts of this man, to survive in the ring and a state away with a furious Dan Ryan!

MN: There's such a thing as too MUCH guts! Stay down, Red!

DT: A furious Dan Ryan reaching for the chair - wait a minute, here comes UCW security! UCW security flooding the ring! Ryan NAILS one of the guards with the chair! Another! Down goes a third! Another guard catches him from behind! Ryan pushes him into the other guards!

DM: We are SO sued! **** **** ****, we are SO SUED!

DT: Ryan levels another guard, and they've just taken the hint and made their way outside the ring! Ryan beginning to turn - RED'S ON HIS KNEES - COLLAPSES UP BEHIND RYAN - OH GOD!!! LOW BLOW!!! LOW BLOW TO THE OWNER OF THE COMPANY!!!

MN: BOOOOOO! DQ! DQ!

DM: There are no DQs! It's a fight! Dan Ryan's attention got pulled away and IrishRed managed to recover!

DT: But IrishRed is still exhausted! He's still kneeling on the mat, bloodied and winded! Can he find the energy to capitalize on this?!

DM: It's his only chance!

DT: Dan Ryan down on the canvas holding his goods! IrishRed slowly fighting to his feet! Picks up the chair and SMACKS it down across Ryan's back, and Ryan's the one doing the hurting now!

MN: No! Someone stop the match!

DT: Again Red waffles Ryan with the chair! Now throws it to the mat... rolls Dan Ryan on top of it, face-down, and he's heading to the top rope! The UCW crowd is on its feet! The crowd here in LA is on its feet!

MN: No! He can't do this!

DT: IRISHRED OFF THE TOP!!! COLD SHOT!!! THAT BRUTAL KNEE DRIVING INTO THE BODY OF DAN RYAN!!! AND HE GRABS AN ANKLELOCK!!! IT'S THE DOUBLE TROUBLE!!! THAT ANKLELOCK WITH THE KNEE TO THE KIDNEY OF THE BOSS!!! RYAN HOWLING IN AGONY!!!

MN: WHAT?! SOMEONE STOP HIM!!!

DM: RYAN HAS TO FIGHT OUT OF IT!!! There ARE no rope breaks in a street fight!

DT: Ryan screaming in pain! He's trying to get away but IrishRed is weighing down on him! IrishRed wrenching at that ankle! This one's gonna be over!

DM: Ryan's going to have to muster all of his strength! If he can't break his way out of this anklelock he's going to have to give up!

DT: Gritting his teeth, Ryan tries to roll over - Red braces with his other leg! Ryan can't budge him!

MN: Listen to him groaning! This is inhuman! It can't end like this!

DM: Ryan rocking and howling like a man possessed! Trying to get out of the anklelock! Setting his shoulders - OH MY GOD-

DT: WITH EVERY OUNCE OF STRENGTH DAN RYAN HEAVES TO HIS FEET!!! IRISHRED CRASHES OFF OF HIS BACK AND HITS THE FLOOR, HEADFIRST!!! WHAT A SHOW OF STRENGTH BY THE OWNER OF EPW, DAN RYAN!!!

MN: Yeaaaah! EPW rules!

DT: Red tries to chop out one of the legs - RYAN JUST SNAPS A HEEL BACK AND KICKS HIM RIGHT IN THE JAW! RED GOES DOWN! I think he just spit up blood!

DM: He did! Looks like something's busted up inside!

MN: Good! Serves him right! He really IS a bloody idiot!

DT: Looks like Dan Ryan is back in control... favouring that ankle as he picks up the reeling Red... heaves him off the CANVAS... OH MY GOD HE JUST PRESSED RED OVER THE TOP ROPE AND DOWN ACROSS THE BARRICADE!!! RED'S TORSO CRASHES DOWN OVER THAT STEEL RAIL!!! MY GOD!!! MY GOD!!!

DM: AAAAH!!! HE'S DEAD!!! DAN RYAN HAS JUST ******* KILLED IRISHRED!!!

MN: GO BOSS!!! NOW PISS ON HIS CORPSE!!!

DT: My GOD! What an absolutely brutal throw by Ryan! IrishRed is LIMP! He's probably broken a few ribs! Ryan now... oh God, Ryan picking up Red... grabs the dislodged base of the stairs... sets IrishRed up in front of it! MY GOD, HE'S CALLING FOR THE HUMILITY BOMB!!!

DM: THERE'S NO WAY IRISHRED CAN BLOCK THIS! If Ryan POWERBOMBS him onto that STEEL --

DT: Ryan brings him up - WAIT, SOMEONE JUST SLUGGED RYAN IN THE BACK!!! RYAN DROPS RED HARMLESSLY --

[The crowd roars.]

DT: OH MY GOD!!! IT'S BEAST!!! IT'S BEAST!!! BEAST JUST CLUBBED DAN RYAN IN THE BACK!!! SPINS HIM AROUND!!! BEAST!!! THE RIGHT HAND!!! THE RIGHT HAND AGAIN!!! MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE BEAST IS BEATING THE HELL OUT OF DAN RYAN!!!

DM: WHAAAAAAT?!?!

MN: BIG LOAFY?!?! NO WAY!!!

DT: MY GOD, THE SECOND MAN TO HOLD THE TITLE OF EPW WORLD CHAMPION!!! BEAST WITH THE KICK TO THE GUT!!! RYAN'S DOUBLED OVER!!! HOOK TO THE ARMS!!! OH MY GOD, ABSOLUTION!!! ON THE STEEL!!! BEAST DRIVES DAN RYAN'S SKULL INTO THAT UNFORGIVING STEEL STAIR AND I THINK DAN RYAN IS A ******* CORPSE RIGHT NOW!!!

MN: WHAT THE HELL IS THE MEANING OF THIS!!!

DT: BEAST DRAGGING IRISHRED ON TOP OF RYAN!!! Referee Rosenkrantz looks lost - but he's counting anyway!

One!


TWO!!!



THREEEEE!!! IT'S OVER!!! IT'S OVER!!! BEAST HAS JUST <i>SCREWED</i> DAN RYAN OUT OF HIS OWN COMPANY!!!

MN: Wh- IRISHRED IS OUR NEW BOSS?!?!

DM: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!! WE HAVE A NEW OWNER!!! And it's all thanks to BEAST of all people!

[CUT TO: IrishRed still on top of Ryan, dazed and barely aware of what's happening. Beast stands over the pair of them, arms crossed, looking entirely pleased with himself.]

ROSENKRANTZ: The winner of the match - IrishRed!