OPENING VIDEO

THE TEA PARTY

For the second show in a row there is no dazzling pyrotechnics display, nor is there any pre-show banter amongst commentators. Instead of the camera prolonging the anticipation by panning over the anxious fans, it cuts immediately to the ring where Susie Moore is located.

She holds a tea cup in her hand, seated around a circular table bearing an elaborate floral design.

Susie: Hi everybody, and welcome to the very first edition of “SUSIE’S TEA PARTY!”

Overwhelmed with excitement she raises her tea glass from the saucer and shows it off to the cheering crowd. Thankfully she wears a headset microphone in order to keep her hands free to continue enjoying her herbal brew.

Mark Comeau: I know you think your hallucinating but this is no pink elephant, this is much, much worse, and far more bizarre. Susie unveiling her new talk show to kick off Riot! I swear, it’ll get better, please don’t change the channel, I’ll send you a gift basket.

More teeth are visible in Susie’s grin then there are Republicans at a clan meeting.

Moore: Yep, the IWC finally caved to all those letters I’ve been sending them, and to think, I was only up to the letter “Q.” I only had ten more letters to go. But the point is I now have my very own tea party segment. Finally I’ll be able to tell jokes or do shadow puppet routines uninterrupted. YAY!

She lowers her teacup to the table and claps gleefully.

Susie: And best yet, I was able to bring all my friends with me. Like Captain Bumblestick!

A stuffed pirate doll is seated in a chair opposite to Susie. With the exception of two empty seats, all the others are occupied by stuffed animals.

Moore: And detective Dingledoo….

She motions towards an elephant with a top hat placed on its head.

Susie: If you commit the crime, and Detective Dingledoo is around, you better be ready to do the time. Hehehehe, see, I can even be a public service announcement. Only you can prevent forest fires by taking a bite out of crime. Sit Ubu sit, good dog.

Once again she claps as giddy as a pre-teen at a Hannah Montana concert.

Moore: But before we can get down to some serious tea drinking, I sent out some invitations for people to join me. So would everyone please welcome the first guest of Susie’s Tea Party, since Paul Rubens cancelled on me, here’s…..

“The Game” by Disturbed rallies the people to their feet with a unanimous showing of raw hatred. On the stage, a despondent Robin Brooks now looms. She isn’t depressed by the overwhelming negativity from the crowd, instead it’s due to her wedding related fiasco. Despite her dread the Black Widow moves down the ramp, paying no mind to the hecklers, even if they do comprise the majority of the audience.

Comeau: What a controversial first guest for Susie’s Tea Party, Robin Brooks’ wedding went horribly astray last week when it was discovered that not only was she having an affair, but so was her fiancée, Hurse. I guess she agreed to participate in this segment to clear her name. I can’t imagine any other reason she’d agree to it, unless she’s heavily medicated.

Brooks slips through the ropes to the ring, Susie standing to greet her. Although the bumbling commentator extends a palm it is not reciprocated with a shake. Robin just slips into one of the empty chairs grabbing a mic and crossing her arms over the Submission Title belt wrapped around her shoulder.

Susie: Hi Robby, want some tea?

Brooks: No.

There is little emotion in Brooks’ cold voice.

Moore: I brewed it myself.

Robin: I said no.

Susie: But it’s Lipton tea, and you can barely taste the added bacon.

Brooks: NO! I didn’t come out here to drink tea. I came out here to explain what happened last week.

Moore bats her eyes awkwardly.

Robin: You have no idea what I’m talking about do you?

Susie: No, but maybe these cue-cards I was given will help me remember. Although I did change a few to make the questions more spicy.

All Brooks can do is sink in her seat, close her eyes and gesture with her hand for Susie to get on with it. Moore eagerly shifts through the cards, finding the right question.

Moore: Robin, if you were a Mr. Potato Head doll, would you let me stick firecrackers in your bum?

Needless to say, Robin is dumbfounded, almost rendered incapable of speech.

Brooks: Uhhhhh, no.

Susie: Awww. Ok, second question. If you had no teeth, how would you eat food?

Robin: Erm, through a straw.

Moore: BRILLIANT!

Brooks: Just get to the questions about the wedding!

Susie: Oh, okay.

Once again she flips through the cards, trying to find the right one.

Moore: Alright here we go, found one. Why did you kiss James Exeter?

She squints while reading the card verbatim

Brooks: I didn’t kiss James, he kissed me. It was all just one big momentary lapse in judgment.

Susie: How did James taste, I bet it was like caramel.

Robin: That doesn’t matter, and it was more like spinach. I didn’t come here to talk about my infidelities, that’s not what ruined my wedding.

Moore: Was it because the preacher smelt like cottage cheese?

Brooks: NO! The thing, or I guess I should say, the PERSON, who ruined my whole wedding was Hellkat. She’s who I want to talk about.

Moore: Well why talk about her, when you can talk TO her?

Brooks is puzzled as Susie gestures with an open palm to the other vacant chair.

Moore: Because I invited the empress of the Thundercats to join us. Come on Hellkat, here girl.

A string of yarn is taken out of Susie’s pocket and dangled in the air. That’s when the familiar theme music of the tattooed veteran hits the PA system, bringing the fans to their feet and Robin’s anger to its boiling point. She stands up, brimming with hostility as through the curtains steps the legendary IWC competitor herself. The multiple time former World Champion sashays towards the ring with all the confidence in the world, Hellkat undisturbed by the malice in Robin’s eyes.

Comeau: I guess we’re getting two for the price of one and the tension has just escalated to an all time high.

As she enters the ring, she purposely makes eye contact with the simmering Brooks, and maintains it all the way to her seat. Brooks defiantly sits down across from her, back as straight as a board.

Mark: I don’t think Susie knows what she got herself into.

Moore glances back and forth at her two guests, both of them gripping microphones at this point.

Moore: Wow, I’m in a Thundercat sandwich, and WHAT a sandwich it must taste like. Would you like some tea Hellkat, home brewed.

The kettle is raised high, the contents within too tempting for Hellkat to pass up.

Hellkat: Meh’, why not?

Her cup is raised as Susie giddily pours some tea into it. Or at least she makes a motion like she is but absolutely nothing emerges from the spout. Hellkat stares down into the empty glass, into the imaginary tea before looking up into the excited face of Moore. With a sigh Hellkat takes a sip of the fake tea and feigns a half hearted smile.

Moore: I knew you’d love it. It’s made of rainbows and leprechauns.

Brooks: How DARE you!

Robin just couldn’t hold it in any longer. Her question merely registers a shrug from the lethal hellkitty.

Hellkat: I know, I know, the tea is just going to go straight to my paws.

Robin: That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it.

A finger is wagged at Hellkat, who resists the temptation to bite it off.

Brooks: You STOLE everything from me. My perfect wedding, my perfect life, and um, my imperfect boyfriend.

Hellkat: Yeeeeaaahhh. This is already beyond lame.

Robin’s eyes flutter, reeling from the audacity of such a statement.

Hellkat: I mean this whole thing started because you’re human puppet, and yes, I’m sure you’ve attempted amateur proctology on him a few times, saw it ALLLL hanging out. And like a lot of people, he liked what he saw. You can’t blame me for having this PHENOMENAL feline body and a personality to match such beauty.

Her fangs glisten as she grins. The smile is so intimidating that Robin’s heart skips a beat.

Moore: I know I’ve often fantasized about you.

Hellkat: That’s okay Susie, have you ever heard the term ménage-a-tua?

She asks this question while fondling Moore’s shoulder.

Susie: Is it a type of gum?

Hellkat: Ohhh, poor little Susie, so much to teach you. It’ll have to be a crash course though, cause I really need a third in the bedroom. Having relations with Desolation, while feeling somewhat pedophilic, is a three person job. I need someone to work his legs and hips, while I control the arms and keep him from eating my hair.

Moore: That sounds awesome. I actually have a degree in that type of thing.

Before they can work out a time and a date, Brooks again interrupts.

Brooks: Are you HOGS done snorting yet?

They’re finally forced to stop ignoring the self described Queen of the IWC.

Robin: You know, oh yes, YOU KNOW, that you’ve been flashing your goodies in Steven’s face all along. You were jealous of our relationship, you’ve always been jealous of me. You were jealous because I had a boyfriend that WASN’T a bumbling retard!

Hellkat beams a vacant stare in Robin’s direction, and hesitates to speak even if the fans know the question she’s about to pose.

Hellkat: Are you SURE you want to stand by that statement?

Robin takes a few moments to reconsider her poorly chosen words.

Hellkat: Just tell me why I would actually want that panty sniffing five year old. I don’t need TWO handicap men in my life. The sex would be awful and horribly awkward, with Hurse constantly forcing unfunny one liners, and Desolation choking on huge gobs of boogers picked fresh daily from his nose. It be UNBEARABLE. Worse than listening to the sound of your voice, or the Jonas Brothers. I swear when I hear their songs it sends me into full on Kill Bill mode, red flashes, and techno beat included.

Robin: You think you’re funny? That you’re clever? I’m not laughing, I’m not even smiling, and I LOVE to smile…

Hellkat: Your dentures are quite lovely.

Brooks: Says the woman with a carny mouth. But enough about bad teeth.

Susie: I still have my baby teeth.

Instead of wagging, Robin’s finger now points fiercely into Hellkat’s fanged face.

Robin: I don’t care what your motives were; I just know you egged Hurse on, flirting with him like a dollar store whore. Steven is….fragile….and you knew it, you exploited his weakness to get at me. The only reason he became obsessed with you is because your titties must have hypnotic powers.

Moore: My tits can detect earthquakes.

Brooks: Hypnotic powers that you used to control Steven’s mind. That’s the only way anybody could explain why he’d go chasing after a greasy hotdog (gestures towards Hellkat), when he’s got rare steak at home (points to herself). You brain washed him, you manipulated him, you led him on and I refuse to hear any other explanation. Because no one, NO ONE, cheats on a queen unless they’ve been hynotized.

Hellkat: It’s nice that you finally came to terms with your gender, Robby. By queen, I assume you mean the type with hair peaking out of their fishnet stockings, bad black wigs and a Liza Minnelli obsession.

The crowd chuckles as they enjoy Hellkat’s timeless jabs at Brooks’ questionable gender. It takes everything in Robin’s power to keep from diving across the table.

Helkat: And don’t worry, I’m not going to provide another explanation, because it’s not worth exerting the energy it would take to speak. Your not worth it, this whole sordid, Melrose Place love affair isn’t worth it. I deal with stalkers every day, granted their usually carrying nets while trying to force me into a cage, and I don’t spend time dwelling on it.

Robin: Your not the one who’s wedding was RUINED!

Helkat: Sooo, I’m sure there are other sadomasochists out there who would enjoy your castrating nags, ones who won’t be quite so hypnotized by my tattooed bosom. Just get over it, move on, there are plenty of toddlers in the sandbox.

Brooks: I can’t move on until you’ve suffered like I’VE suffered. That’s why I want to challenge you, Hellkat, and I don’t care what you say, I won’t take no for an answer.

Hellkat: Ok.

Robin: No, no, no, don’t weasel out of this you prissy puss. I’m challenging you to a one on one match at Paranoia VI. You and me, the Queen vs. the Commoner.

Hellkat: Ugh, fine. Just stop with the bad puns.

Brooks: You can’t back out of this one….

Obviously Robin had herself so convinced Hellkat wouldn’t accept that she refuses to hear any different.

Robin: You WILL face me at Paranoia, Hellkat! I’ll even put my Submission Title on the line. How about that, is it enough to entice you to get off your fat tail and face me!?!

Hellkat: Sure.

Robin: I knew you wouldn’t be feline enough to….wait, did you say, yes?

Hellkat: Mmmhmmm.

Robin: Really? Are you sure?

Hellkat: It seems like facing you to resolve this would involve the LEAST amount of effort, so what the hey. And I’m a mark for completely meaningless title belts anyway. There, happy?

Once again Brooks is unable to utter so much as a syllable.

Brooks: So I’m not going to have to do a few weeks worth of baiting to get you to accept?

Hellkat: Nope.

Robin: Ah crap, and here I had a whole series of reprehensible personal attacks planned out to get you to agree. I was going to tarnish your legacy on television, then I was going to attack all your friends and family, possibly threaten your child, you know, the whole nine yards, give you no alternative.

Hellkat: I’m pretty easy.

Brooks: Don’t I know it. So great, once again all my planning just flies out the window because of you.

Hellkat: I could turn you down if that makes you feel better?

Robin: REALLY? No, no, wait, everyone already heard you accept, DAMMIT!

She chews on her bottom lip and blows a strand of hair out of her face.

Brooks: Oh well, I guess I can just go back to the old rivalry formula now that you’ve accepted, which pretty much equals me physically embarrassing you on a weekly basis.

Hellkat: That’a girl..

It’s at this point that Robin stands up, grabbing her tea glass and trying to throw the liquid into Hellkat’s eyes. There is no blinding effect though, because the contents of the glass was mud. Mud that slowly drips down to the table and leaves Brooks absolutely disgusted.

Moore: That’s chocolate tea.

Hellkat has had her fill, standing up and flipping the tea table over. It’s at this point that Hellkat and Robin dive at each other, coming to blows amongst a rousing response from the crowd. Susie clears out of harm’s way, gathering up as many of her stuffed animals as possible.

Mark: Their going at it, cat-fight, cat-fight! Sorry, I’m contractually obligated to say that, Thank you Joey Styles!

Hellkat lands a blow then Robin does, the two going back and forth in a frantic fashion. The Manhattan Center is jumping for joy; all hyped up over finally seeing these two go at it. That’s when Robin stabs Hellkat in the eye with a finger nail. She turns away, palming her face while Brooks stretches the Submission Title out across her palms.

Just as Hellkat spins back to face her, Brooks charges in, swinging the gold at her rival’s cranium. She’s finally about to take out all her pint up hostilities on the person she deems responsible for her woes. To her dismay though, Hellkat ducks the inbound belt, turns and raises her leg.

It lifts not to unleash a stream of urine, but to land a perfect superkick on Brooks’ jaw. Hellkat is derived of such satisfaction because Robin dives to the outside of the ring before the shot could connect.

Comeau: Robin getting out of dodge before she could be clocked with that kick. This issue is really getting personal.

Robin scoots away from the ring on her bottom but collects herself at the edge of the ramp. Hellkat watches apathetically from the ring as Robin snatches up her Submission title and cradles it to her bosom. Their eyes once again connect while Robin breathes heavy, realizing that she’s finally gotten what she wants, but maybe she’s bitten off more than she can chew.

Mark: These two now scheduled to lock up at Paranoia VI, that event getting bigger by the second.

As Hellkat licks her lips, Robin cringes on the ramp and continues to back towards the safety of the curtains.

Mark: Hellkat returns to the ring to challenge for the Submission Title. Robin faces her biggest challenge yet, it’s all going down at Paranoia.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Relive six years of independence

DISCO NINJA VS. HURSE

A glistening disco ball lowers from the rafters as the Beegees provide some hypnotic disco tunes. This all ties into the arrival of one Disco Ninja, who struts his stuff on the way towards the ring. He points out over the crowd and swings his hips in rhythmic gyrations upon moving up the steps to the apron.

Mark: Disco Ninja strutting his stuff right here on Riot! And boy what a roll this guys been on, winning the four way at Destiny, then beating Jackson Adams right after that in singles competition, and he even shut up Justin Davis last week. There may be no stopping this man’s momentum.

Brooks: Not even a mini-nuke?

Comeau: Well if your gonna take me literally….how shocking.

Disco continues to show off his dance steps to a screaming audience before House of the Rising Sun ruins all the fun. The mood is definitely ruined at the first sight of Hurse, his eyes baggy and blood shot, his abdomen covered in a dingy black jacket and his face a mask of dread.

Mark: Hurse doesn’t look like his normal self, he’s definitely not jovial, especially after last week’s whole wedding related nightmare.

Susie: What wedding?

Comeau: The one you JUST interviewed Robin about?

Moore: What Robin? I thought I was just talking to Mr. Potato Head.

Comeau: How your mind can make such a mistake is….well it’s actually a pretty simple explanation. You’re an IDIOT!

Hurse slumps in the corner, barely having the strength to lift his abnormally pale face. Somehow he catches a glimpse of Disco Ninja, bringing the first semblance of emotion to his surface, rage. The moment the bell rings, Hurse dashes out of the corner only to be caught with a drop toe hold.

Hurse is planted face first into the ring, popping up to his knees and grabbing at his nose. Oddly he isn’t overselling the impact like he normally would, even as Disco steps in and delivers a swift kick directly to his sternum. The kick connects with such sternum cracking force that it knocks Hurse to his back, convulsing in pain.

Mark: This one getting started and started quickly. Disco Ninja already moving in for the kill.

Moore: I don’t think they condone public executions, Mark, unless you’re a witch.

The very same kick that sent Hurse to his back has forced him to roll in reverse to his feet. That’s when Disco moves in and connects with a knife edge chop to his sternum, leaving a red streak. He now spins around, drops down into the splits, slides back up to his feet gracefully and connects with a second chop.

This strike connects with enough force to send Hurse flipping up and backwards over the ropes. He flips over completely and crashes face first off of the apron.

His skull thuds against the hardest portion of the ring, sending him reeling towards the ramp, arms flailing to keep himself upright.

Comeau: Disco Ninja has got Hurse all kinds of reeling.

Moore: So he’s a fish? Is that why he squirms so much?

The still stunned Hurse is so discombobulated that he doesn’t spot Disco Ninja flying over the top rope into a crossbody. He crashes right across the bruised sternum of his opponent, knocking both men to the mats amongst a roar of excitement from the crowd.

Hurse lays motionless on the mats, his eyes fluttering while Disco rolls towards the barricade. He employs the barrier to reach his feet then turns his back on the Master of Control. After quickly snapping his fingers above his head he swings his hips in a disco-esque gyrations then hops to the barricade.

The fans are stunned that he lands with such grace and poise on the barrier, and now wait to see another sensational dive. Unbeknownst to him, Hurse has reached his feet and has grabbed him by the ankle, ripping Disco’s legs out from under him. As a result Disco’s body twists and the dancing ninja crashes testicles first right across the barrier.

Moore: Ohhh, that just turned his outty to an inny.

Mark: Disco Ninja’s gonna need an ice pack stat.

If Ninja could cry he probably would at this point while Hurse steps in and delivers right hands to his jaw. Somehow the crafty Ninja remains seated upright, unaware that his opponent is maneuvering the steps forward something big. The stairs are turned towards Disco, and serve as platform for a dive.

Hurse charges up the stairs and launches himself off into a heat seeking dropkick directly to the side of Disco’s skull. Both boots drill him to the temple, the Ninja being knocked over the screaming crowd. The fans are forced aside by security, leaving Disco entirely exposed across the concrete.

Hurse backs into the apron, and faces the stairs, again preparing to use the steps as a platform. On the opposite side of the barrier, Disco Ninja is sluggishly forcing himself to his feet, utilizing some chairs to assist in doing so.

Although his legs are wobbly beneath him, Ninja is able to reach a full upright base, long enough at least to fall prey to his rival. Hurse charges at the steps, moves up them then launches himself off into a diving lariat.

Somehow the slick Ninja side steps Hurse, catches him by the wrist and pulls him down out of the air so that he crashes face first into a chair. Hurse’s skull thuds against the hard steel, forcing him to ricochet back to his feet looking as stupid as, well, himself.

Mark: I don’t know how Disco Ninja avoided that, but he did and Hurse ate that chair as a result.

Moore: The chairs are surprisingly tasty as long as you had hot sauce. Hot sauce makes anything edible.

Hurse falls against the barrier for support as Disco rushes at the sat up chairs in front of his prone prey. He jumps onto the chairs then dives off while twisting in mid-air, connecting with a modified version of the Disco Ball of DOOM. The twisting shoulder block knocks Hurse backwards over the barrier crashing to the thin outside mats.

The fans are as floored as Hurse, only metaphorically floored. The already exasperated Hurse rolls towards the ring, grabbing the tarp hanging from the apron and using it to assist himself to his feet.

This only puts him in perfect position for Disco, who steps over the barricade and moves in with a vicious right hand to his jaw. The shot jacks Hurse’s jaw, sending him fleeing back into the ring to avoid another equally as devastating blow.

He ends up on his elbows and knees, side turned towards the ropes Disco is standing opposite of. The Ninja realizes he has Hurse in the perfect position, springing to the top rope and then taking flight, going for a fameouser. To a roar of despair, Hurse steps back, avoiding the leg and letting Ninja crash bottom first to the canvas.

Comeau: Now Hurse avoids Disco’s high flying offense.

Disco Ninja only has a few moments to cradle his bum before Hurse steps in, takes him around the neck and forces him to his feet. The Master of Control drops back, attempting to connect with the Shellshock. Instead of planting Disco on his face, the Ninja counters with a cartwheel across the canvas.

The fans cheer at the sight of Disco landing directly on his feet, before charging at a slowly standing Hurse. Unfortunately he gets caught right across Hurse’s shoulder, who drops back into a northern lights suplex.

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Hurse flips over backwards, keeping his shoulder wedged to Disco’s gut the entire time and now forcing him up to his feet. The moment Disco Ninja stands he’s shoved across the ring and driven spine first against a turnbuckle with a ramming spear from the former World Champion.

Disco’s arms fall over the ropes in order to keep himself upright, the crowd screaming his name, trying their best to rally behind him. Their pleas fall on deaf ears, because Disco is incapable of stopping the running lariat from Hurse.

Comeau: What a throat crushing lariat.

Moore: Disco Ninja won’t be able to swallow, but it’s okay if he spits like I do.

Mark: Another fallacio joke?

A stunned Ninja slumps in the corner before Hurse charges in, lunges high into the air and connects with a diving back elbow to his sternum. The air is knocked out of Disco’s body, Hurse taking him around the neck, charging him out of the corner and hitting a running bulldog.

Disco Ninja’s face crashes into the canvas forcefully, his body flopping to its back with Hurse crawling into the cover. But wait, no, he doesn’t go for the lateral press, instead he straddles Disco’s sternum and begins to deliver blatant closed fist punches to the face.

The referee steps in, trying his best to warn Hurse, but he gets nowhere fast. Therefore Princeton is forced to catch the aggressor’s arm in mid-swing, forcing him off of his near unconscious opponent. Hurse shoves the official aside and drops down right back on top of Disco Ninja, delivering more closed fists to the face, trying to inflict as much damage as possible.

For a second time the referee has no alternative but to physically pull Hurse off of his opponent or disqualify him. He drags the Master of Control away from Disco only to be threatened by a closed fist flailing in front of his face. Now that he’s free, Hurse once again goes after his prone opponent, ready to unleash a few more jabs.

Ninja lifts his feet though, wedges them to Hurse’s gut and shoves him off backwards into the ropes. He bounces from the cables and then comes back in at Disco who lunges into the air, wedges his feet to his opponent’s gut and delivers a monkey flip.

Somehow Hurse flips out of the monkey flip though and lands with a great showing of agility directly on his feet. Upon landing with picture perfection, Hurse spins around in time for Disco to roll back, extend his legs and place his shins right on the Master of Control’s shoulders.

The Ninja falls forward, flipping Hurse over with a leg scissors. He crashes across his back but instinctively rolls forward to his feet. He now finds himself falling against the ropes, gathering himself, then charging right back at Disco who jumps into the air and hits him to the sternum with a jumping back elbow.

A loud reaction is heard from the crowd as they watch Disco Ninja build momentum, getting the advantage in this seesaw battle.

Comeau: The tide of this match turning.

Moore: I hate the tide, it always ruins my sand castles.

The ever so sudden Disco Ninja rolls to his feet, does some hip shakes in conjunction with the lawnmower and gets the crowd even more enthused than before. He turns at this point, slaps his leg and prepares for a big kick. Everything is going to plan as Hurse stands up and staggers into a vicious bicycle kick that lands directly on the button.

Hurse crashes to his back with Disco Ninja staggering forward, falling against the ropes then doing the lasso motion with his arms. Again the crowd reacts joyously at this display, realizing that Disco has things well in hand.

With his eye swelling Hurse struggles to his feet, turning in time to be nailed under the jaw with a right hand. Disco does a lawnmower gyration with his arms then nails a second jab. He moves back, rolls his arms and then moves in connecting with the knock out shot.

Hurse’s feet are taken out from under him as his opponent’s fist almost knocks out some teeth. He crashes to his back at this point and looks dead to the world, even more dead than when he came to the ring originally.

Mark: Disco Ninja dishing out all kinds of punishment to Hurse. This is how their first match against one another went, which leads me to believe that the ending will be the same as well.

The crowd is letting Disco know exactly what they think of him, bombarding the scrappy competitor with cheers so loud it shakes the very Manhattan Center to its core. The Ninja listens to their reaction even as he slips through the ropes to the apron then springs to the top cable and takes flight. Through the air he soars before eventually landing right on top of Hurse with a big body splash.

He hooks Hurse’s leg for the pinfall while some member of the crowd count along like they were watching Sesame Street.

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A resounding wave of boos emit from the crowd the moment that Hurse launches his shoulder from the ring, just barely avoiding defeat.

Comeau: Strange, that normally would have been enough to finish Hurse off. There’s definitely something different about him tonight.

Susie: He must be eliciting all his power from my special tea.

The ticked Ninja slowly stands and grabs Hurse’s hair, rolling him to his knees and delivering a series of karate chops to both sides of his cheeks. Hurse’s head snaps back and forth like he were a ragdoll flung by a five year suffering a temper tantrum.

Hurse is more shaken up than a snow globe, as Disco steps back and unleashes a dreaded superkick that connects directly under the jaw. The bone cracking kick knocks Hurse to his back once again and puts him in another pinning predicament. Disco drops into the lateral press with quickness.

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2

To the disbelief of everyone in the building, Disco included, Hurse AGAIN kicks out. He rolls away from his opponent with glossed over eyes and jaw hung agape.

Mark: Almost ANOTHER victory scored by the Disco Ninja, but somehow Hurse is still surviving in this heated encounter

Moore: He’s just like one of those roaches even my shoe or bad singing will kill.

Although his brain is severally rattled, Hurse rolls into the cables and employs them to begin ascending to his feet. His eyes flutter and his knees wobble, employing absolutely all his remaining energy to reach his feet. The second that he stands though, Disco delivers a high round house spinning kick that connects right against his temple.

The kick sends Hurse twisting into the corner which he falls against chest first. Drool seeps from the corner of Hurse’s mouth as Disco steps in and wraps his arms around his adversary’s waist. It’s obvious that he’s setting up for Ninjtastic (Super German Suplex).

Somehow Hurse is able to perform a standing switch though, having enough braincells left to do so. He ends up behind Disco, taking him around the neck then spinning around and connecting with the Shellshock. Disco Ninja is lifted off of his feet, swung over Hurse’s body and throw forehead first into the second turnbuckle pad. His skull snaps back due to the traumatic impact and his body crumbles to the canvas.

Comeau: AAAAHHH! Shellshock into the turnbuckle!

Susie: A screaming contest, huh? Well sir, nobody can scream louder than me, just ask my neighbors.

Mark: I’m sure you’ve kept them up plenty a night.

The disturbing collision of skull to turnbuckle sends Disco Ninja unintentionally stumbling back right into the waiting arms of Hurse. He’s caught with a school boy, rolled back onto his shoulders before Hurse stands up, catches his legs, throws them over his shoulders then hits the styles clash. The Sanitizer connects to a chorus of boos from the crowd, Disco’s head once again forced to thud violently to the canvas.

Comeau: Now the Sanitizer! Don’t tell me this is happening, this just can’t be.

Moore: Did Uwe Boll do another movie? Dammit, just when I don’t have any money to buy a ticket.

Hurse rolls to his seat and pushes Disco onto his back in the process. He leans forward into the back of the Ninja’s thighs, going for the pinfall.

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The fans are absolutely amazed that Disco Ninja’s roll was finally ended but by HURSE of all people.

Mark: Okay, I’m waiting for the lightning bolt or the earthquake. This has to be a sign of the apocalypse, Hurse has just WON a match.

Moore: Have we been sucked into bizarro world?

Comeau: I hope so, maybe there will be a Susie there who can actually commentate.

Hurse sits on the canvas, eyes still devoid of any and all emotion, showing no excitement or happiness whatsoever. Instead he remains planted across his rear, staring off into his own little world. He won’t even let the official raise his arm in order to truly commemorate this RARE victory.

Mark: Hurse the victor, but he doesn’t look like a winner in my eyes. He seems completely lost.

Moore: Just like Matthew Fox. When will someone please save this man?

An aching Disco Ninja rolls across the canvas, gripping at the back of his neck and kicking his legs in agony. Oddly Hurse takes no delight in Disco’s suffrage, he just sits, without a word, without a glimmer of joy. As the official tends to Disco’s neck, Hurse reaches his feet, eyes coldly examining the booing fans gathered around him. Without so much as an inhale, Hurse turns his back on the crowd and grabs Disco by his wrist.

Mark: Hurse seemingly a changed man after what happened on the last Riot!

Moore: Oh, so he had one of those operations? I thought his breast had gotten bigger.

Comeau: But why is he grabbing Disco Ninja’s hand?

Susie: Ah, young love.

Disco is dragged across the canvas towards the ropes, unable to put forth much of a defense. Hurse rolls to the outside of the ring and pulls the beaten Ninja out alongside him, carelessly allowing him to collapse to the mats. Its at this point that Hurse takes Disco by his ankle and begins to drag him up the ramp towards the backstage area.

Comeau: Where is Hurse taking Disco Ninja?

Moore: Disney Land?

The slumbering Ninja continues to be dragged along up the ramp, having no idea that he’s being led away by the emotionally comatose Hurse.

Mark: Hurse is abducting the Disco Ninja on a night that just continues to get odder by the moment.

Moore: I love odders, especially when they play those little horns.

MAKING AN ENTRANCE

A long stretch limo careens to a stop just a few inches removed from the entrance to the Manhattan Center. It only takes a few moments for the doors to fly open and for commotion to consume the enclosed parking facility. Out of the limo emerges in no particular order, the World Heavyweight Champion, Christian Savior, the FORMER Number One Contender, Evans, and a bragging Douglas.

Dan: That’s RIGHT, the CHAMP is in the house!

Dan steps up right beside Savior, patting the World Title belt over his shoulder. Strangely Savior seems uncomfortable with Dan’s advances towards the belt. A watchful Evans detects as much but nothing can bring a smile to his face after the events of last week.

Douglas: It’s celebration time.

An excited Douglas flails his arms through the air like swatting at a gnat.

Douglas: So let’s go out there and bask in this moment! Bask in our unity, bask in the glory of the Championship!!

Savior is tentative to agree considering what happened during the last celebration. Unfortunately he’s unable to turn down the happy go lucky Douglas, who isn’t taking no for an answer.

Savior: Yeah, let’s have a ball.

Although the words are uttered apathetically they put a pep in Douglas’ step and a swagger in his hips.

Dan: ALRIGHT!

He claps and almost does a Flair like strut towards the door, leading the way. Evans and Savior enter behind him, but keep a careful watch over one another with each step they take.

Comeau: The Conspiracy arriving and apparently on their way to the ring. Oh joy.

Moore: I think we should just do another tea party segment. Fabulous magic tea and sexy little stuffed animals, there’s something for everyone.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

TAKING CHARGE

The show returns with the excited vocals of Mark Comeau and Susie Moore in the background, trying to speak over the obnoxious crowd reactions. The camera catches all the drunken fans, raising their drinks and devouring their giant artery clogging pretzels.

Mark: This has been a raucous night thus far, with even more to come later tonight. Just thank God there’s not going to be another tea party.

Moore: Oh, you know you’re just jealous that you weren’t invited. You would have eaten all the fig-newtons.

Comeau: At the very least it gave us the HUGE announcement, Robin Brooks vs. Hellkat, Submission Championship at Paranoia VI. What other bombshells are we going to hear…?

“Falling in the Black” is screamed through the PA system, sucking all the energy out of the building. A line of stars emerge from the back, led by the World Heavyweight Champion, tailed by Dan Douglas with Pat Evans bringing up the rear. The group is met with raw agitation from the fans, not holding back in the slightest to tell the trio exactly what they think of them.

Mark: Can I PLEASE finish a sentence just once without being interrupted by these…

Moore: Bite your tongue sir, you know my virginal ears are easily offended.

Comeau: Susie, there’s not one inch of your body that’s considered virginal. On that note, let’s get back to these conniving backstabbers on their way to the ring. What Christian Savior did last week to regain that title was RIDICULOUS.

Dan Douglas fixes his tie and progresses towards the center of the ring, his smile so wide it could severe several faces in two. The issues between he and Savior are seemingly settled, Christian going as far as to throw his forearm over the President’s shoulder. However, Dan is still skating on thin ice when it comes to Evans. Pat lingers in the corner, watching this whole scene unfold in trepidation.

Mark: I swear, it’s hard coming to work in the morning knowing I’ll have the indignity of calling the actions of the Conspiracy.

Douglas takes a deep breathe, microphone being handed to him by Kailey Worf, her slim little body quickly scooting from the ring.

Douglas: I think Britney Spears said it best with her popular catchphrase, “OOPS, I did it again.”

Mark: Now he’s quoting Britney Spears, he really must want to be assassinated.

Susie: Britney Spears is a modern day philosopher, Mark, how DARE you sully her upstanding reputation. She taught me the tasteful and delicate art of the crotch shot. The CROTCH SHOT!

Mild chuckles emanate from the ever so despicable Savior, his grin so sickening it sends people darting to the bathroom.

Dan: Well actually, take out the “I” and insert “WE” and that would perfectly sum up our o’ so brilliant actions last week.

His words cause the crowd’s skin to crawl, almost detaching itself from their bodies and flying out the doors.

Douglas: Yet again I fulfilled my promises, ensuring that the title not only returned to the Conspiracy but went right back where it BELONGED. On the broad shoulder of a World Champion who actually gives a damn about this company, and not about lining his own pockets. A man who overcame the bullshit politics stirred around backstage by the likes of Johnny Kingdom and Orlando Cruze.

The fans react as if they were just poisoned.

Dan: A man who doesn’t live in an Oceanside castle, a man who doesn’t drive a thirty thousand dollar Bentley, a man who busts his hump for the love of the business and the betterment of this company. That man is your World Champion, Christian Savior.

As Christian takes the mic into his palm the crowd’s reaction is borderline homicidal. The fans are positively sickened at the image of the World Title once again adorning Savior’s shoulder. Evans shares their sentiment.

Christian: As Dan alluded to, unlike some people, I actually give back to this company. I don’t keep suckling at its teet for a fatter paycheck or a better 401K, I do what I do out of RESPECT. In fact, I respect this company so much that I give back by keeping the title out of the hands of the washed-up, broken down, overpaid, obsolete models of the past. Let’s face it, if your glory years are well behind you, its best to stop boring these people and step out of the way for those with actual FUTURES.

Savior maintains his smarmy confidence even while being deathly serious.

Savior: So taking the title out of Kingdom’s hands was like a public service. Could you all really tolerate another year worth of Orlando and Johnny playing hot potato with the title? The thought makes me gag. So in retrospect, my actions last week will be deified, I may have very well SAVED this company from the brink of extinction. By keeping the gold away from those washed up egomaniacs I showed that I have more respect for this title and this company than any of you people, even if the IWC doesn’t return that respect.

It’s at this point that Christian turns on Douglas, who doesn’t take kindly to being singled out.

Christian: Frankly Dan, we haven’t seen eye to eye lately. And I think our distrust is what cost me the title in the first place Soooo I think that makes you responsible.

Dan points mockingly to himself.

Savior: Yes, yes, I’m talking about you. If you didn’t have your head so FAR up Pat’s ass…

Evans scoots out of the corner.

Savior: ….you could have kept Kingdom from stealing my belt in the first place.

Dan: You told me to stay away…

Christian: But its okay, I forgive you. I’m a charitable, forgiving soul, and I realize that the two of us bickering is counterproductive to business. BUT if you wanted to show your remorse, you could easily give me the night off at Paranoia. Not like Pat can challenge me now that he BLEW his title shot.

The technical tyrant’s face is as red as a Southerner’s neck. He barges out of the corner and wags a finger in Christian’s direction.

Evans: You’re the one who cost me the….

Savior: It’s only fair. I’ve earned a night off by rescuing the belt and the ratings from BOTH Orlando Cruze and Johnny Kingdom.

Of course Christian is as sure of himself as a stud in a horse ranch, but Douglas ruins his high by actually speaking.

Douglas: Now Christian, I don’t want you to think I’m cramping your style here partner, but what’s right is right. If I make concessions to you, I have to make concessions to Evans too. So despite the outcome of the last title match, Evans is STILL number one….

OPEN YOUR HEART….

Obviously the ring needed more raging testosterone and egotism, Jason Wheeler providing it as he enters. The Cartel Championship hangs with disregard from his palm before the Black Cat tosses it over the ropes and slides in himself. A very confused Douglas watches this whole display, Christian doing the same. The World Champion is naturally weary of the strut in Wheeler’s step and the swagger in his hips.

Mark: Jason Wheeler crashing the party, although he IS a member of this group. I think. Actually I don’t know what the hell is going on with Wheeler’s allegiances. They change depending on the days of the week.

Susie: So does my medication. If you can consider appetite suppressors medication.

Savior continues to be naturally speculative of his brother’s intentions, especially as Wheeler retrieves a microphone.

Jason: Alright, fuck it, I’ve had enough. This is just TOO MUCH.

The Cartel Champion slices the air with his hand.

Wheeler: I’ve had my fill of these pissing contests and I just can’t take no more. Christian, how much longer are you going to tolerate being distracted by this man?

An accusative finger is directed at Douglas. Once again Dan mockingly gestures to himself.

Jason: Not only has he caused you to lose your title, albeit briefly, but his bromance with Pat Evans threatens the longevity of your second reign as well. It’s sooo obvious that he’s plotting with Evans, that the two of them have been consorting since the very beginning to take that championship away from you.

It’s obvious that Jason’s sole intention is to stir the pot so he can watch Douglas squirm. He plays off of Christian’s paranoia, Savior showing as much through his eyebrow twitches.

Dan: Jason, babe, your so wrong your not even on the same hemisphere as right.

Wheeler: Am I? Why should anyone trust a word that comes out of your pie-hole? All you do is swerve people, you do it left and right, even to those closest to you. Everyone saw what you did to Sallie, and you said she was like a daughter.

Douglas: Sallie betrayed me.

Jason: So she got out of line and you threatened her kid? What would you do to Savior for speaking out of turn, for raising a few questions? You can’t be trusted; it’s why I can’t get on board with this Conspiracy initiative. That’s why I’ve only aligned myself with Christian, as a REAL group, the Infection. We’ve always been there for one another in our personal lives, we know that we can TRUST one another.

Dan: I can be trusted too. My word is my bond.

Wheeler: Oh yeah? Then why don’t you prove it? If you really want to set my brother at ease and curry my favor, then why don’t you put him against someone he can TRUST at Paranoia. Someone who won’t go through the back door and steal the TITLE through some overbooked swerve…

Evans wishes he could just get a word in.

Jason: Actually I have the perfect solution. I say instead of putting him against this roided up misanthrope (gestures to a snarling Evans) you make it an all INFECTION main event. Jason Wheeler versus Christian Savior, a battle of brotherly love on the biggest night of the year.

Jason steps back, awe struck as if the headline hung in the sky before him. All three Conspiracy members react differently, Douglas scratching anxiously at the back of his neck, Evans cursing under his breath and Savior’s eyes darting back and forth unsure what to think.

Wheeler: Now that’s not only the type of main event that gives back to the company, but sends buy-rates SKY ROCKETING! So how bout it? You going to prove your loyalty to Infection? Or do we orchestrate a walk out?

Obviously Christian is not on board, not having been consulted about any of this.

Douglas: You’ve backed me into a wall here Jason. But I’m at my BEST when cornered.

Dan perks right up like he were given an injection of caffeine straight to the heart.

Dan: So right here, right now I’m making it official. Christian Savior will defend his title against BOTH Jason Wheeler and Pat Evans at Paranoia VI.

Evans: WHAT!?!

Evans is even angrier than the crowd. In a fit he grabs the microphone from Douglas’ palms and almost rips out a chunk of his own hair.

Pat: That wasn’t the agreement! You OWE me a one on one match with Savior. That’s what you promised me! And after what you did last week, you had BETTER deliver.

Sweat trickles down Douglas’ face as he takes a very deep breathe. That’s when he suddenly has an epiphany.

Dan: Okay, I’ve GOT IT. Christian Savior will defend the title in not one, but TWO singles matches against both of his Conspiracy stablemates….

Savior: Are you out of your mind!?!

Savior is panic stricken by such a notion. He steps forward bickering with a stressed Douglas, while Evans and Wheeler do the same. All three voices bombard Douglas’ ears at once, each one of them pleading their case before the lights in the arena dim, blanketing all in darkness.

Mark: Oh come on, bring back up the lights, things were finally starting to get interesting.

Susie: Comeau, can you check under the table for monsters?

A chillingly familiar image consumes the titantron at this point. A beating heart shows up with a pulse peaking and dropping before it. The crowd proves that it has a good memory, popping loudly the moment the letters “S.K” are sliced into the still beating muscle. “Gone Forever” strikes the PA system and the brightening house lights reveal Sallie and Krissie on the stage.

Comeau: It’s Sallie and Krissie McMorris! We haven’t seen either of these two in weeks!

Although one of McMorris’ arms is a sling her other is free to hold a microphone. Her counterpart does the same. Douglas’ former liaisons stand unified on the stage, watching the shocked Conspiracy members with wide smiles.

Mark: I still don’t believe this, S & K reunited tonight, and that grin is anything but sincere when it comes to Douglas.

Susie: Teeth can be so deceiving, and don’t even get me started on gums.

Sallie waves towards Douglas, who’s face is as white as a ghost. Evans, Wheeler, and Savior are particularly vexed by the presence of McMorris, almost sure that they had put her on the shelf FOREVER. Her presence proves them wrong, and the smile on her face proves to be truly unsettling.

Krissie: Hiiii boys, did you miss us?

Wheeler: Like a venereal disease.

The words are muttered under the Black Cat’s breathe while McMorris and Sallie, partners in crime, continue.

McMorris: I know that we just couldn’t WAIT to see your faces again. Or more accurately, the looks on them when we returned.

Sallie and McMorris squint, trying to get a good visual of their collective faces.

Krissie: But this reunion is gonna have to be short lived boys, see, we got some business. Well, if you can consider REVENGE to be business. Although Douglas considers them to be one in the same.

It’s obvious that the President doesn’t like to be critiqued, especially by his former liaisons.

Douglas: Buisness? That’s laughable. The way I see it, your business in the IWC is DONE. Why? Because you’re FIRED. That’s right; I have no need to keep you back stabbing bitches around any longer. Your too weak, you let your emotions cloud your judgment.

McMorris: EEEERRR

McMorris makes a sound reminiscent of breaks screeching.

Krissie: I think you’re the only one blinded by his passions, Dan. You’ve let this company fall apart all because of some pointless vendetta against the guys who BUILT it. And the worse part about it is that we actually followed you blindly. We bought into your crap and let you turn us against the only guys who EVER cared about us. You preyed on our emotions and USED us to push your ridiculous agenda, all while you hid in the shadows to stay out of harm’s way.

The smiles are gone and replaced with raw emotion, especially as Sallie picks up where her friend left off.

Sallie: You made us do some horrible things, Dan, things we can never take back. Things we never would have done if we hadn’t been led astray by a lying coward like you.

Douglas grins ever so smugly, not even caring about Sallie’s little rant.

Sallie: You NEVER cared about us. If you had you never would have put us up to the things we’ve done, you never would have exploited our weaknesses. But no, Dan, we’re not weak anymore, we’re so much stronger now that we’ve gotten away from you. We see clearer than ever. We see that guys like Orlando, Creed, and Kingdom, aren’t the ones ruining this company, you ARE, and something needs to be done about it.

The crowd rallies in support behind this claim, while the men in the ring chuckle obnoxiously. Dan is almost gagging for air as he speaks into the mic.

Dan: What are you jobless bimbos going to do to me? I’m a TITAN of industry, a media darling, a crusader for change in the wrestling industry, and you two are NOTHING. Your NOTHING without me. I made you, I gave you power and I can take it away…..

McMorris: That’s right, you DID give us power, sugar. Or had you forgotten?

Suddenly the cocksure grin on his face vanishes.

Sallie: I guess your mind has been so focused on this whole World Title situation that you’ve let things go unattended to in the back office. I mean, Krissie and I were kind of responsible for all of that office stuff, and we kinda developed a knack for it, especially when it came to reading the fine print on certain contracts.

Dan looks like he’s swallowed a toad. Christian and Wheeler glance at each other, somewhat unsettled while Evans bites at his lower lip, everyone feeling the tension.

Sallie: Especially the contracts that we signed when we were given the power you alluded to. Over the past few weeks we’ve taken a very CLOSE look at those contracts, examining how we got our power. Such as the power to make business decisions while you were cowering in your booties. Apparently to ensure that we operated in your best interest, and wielded your power with absolute impunity, you gave Krissie and I each a 25% stake in the company. And that doesn’t sound like something you can change with just a snap of the fingers.

She snaps to make her point while the fans grow gleeful, fully on board with where this is headed.

Krissie: Oh sure, you still have fifty percent ownership of YOUR company, but hey, if Sallie and I were to say COMBINE our stakes, that would make us, my God, that would make us PARTNERS! Half in half, split right down the middle babe.

It now looks like Dan just saw old glory used as a tampax, his face a picture of shock and terror. Savior and Evans are already shouting into both of his ears, wondering why he didn’t do something to prevent this. Jason just shakes his head, a half smirk on his face, unsure how to react.

McMorris: I mean, wow, with that level of ownership, wouldn’t it mean we’re entitled to make some changes around here?

Sallie: Why Krissie, what a mind blowing revelation!

Krissie: Thank you, thank you.

Sallie: But what kind of changes could we possibly make around here?

McMorris: I don’t know….oh, oh, WAIT, I’ve got one.

Sallie’s jaw mockingly drops as the ladies turn wide eyed towards the ring.

Krissie: How about we end all this madness centering around the World Title by booking a championship match at Paranoia?

Sallie: That’s GENIUS! But what kinda match could we possibly put together for an event of this magnitude?

Krissie: Hmm, that’s a toughie. How about one that properly tests Christian and at the same time gives EVERYONE what they want?

Savior grips tighter to his World Title, his lip trembling a little, not liking the twist that this whole situation has taken.

Sallie: I’m liking this, I’m liking this. And it should probably involve something that will trap Christian in the ring with ALL his rivals, and keep him from escaping another World Title match.

McMorris: I like that. OH, how about a STEEL CAGE!

The crowd is getting even more excited by the moment but Savior’s reaction is vastly different. He demands that Douglas do something but the President is powerless.

Sallie: I LOVE it. And hey, let’s just go wild, how about we even throw, Dan Douglas himself in this cage!

Douglas grabs his heart, feeling feint, Pat has to keep him upright.

Krissie: I’m sure he’ll love the opportunity to stand side by side with his World Champion to face down some disenfranchised employees. Speaking of which, who else are we going to throw in the cage?

Sallie: You know, why don’t we leave that part to the Champion’s imagination until later tonight.

Krissie: Fine by me.

They now turn with Sallie kissing her palm and blowing it towards the stunned Conspiracy members inside of the ring.

Sallie: See you guys around. Weellll not backstage, because Christian, Jason, there’s no reason for either of you two to leave the ring. After all, you’ll be the first team to enter the tag team gauntlet, NEXT. Chow!

She waves goodbye to a pale Douglas, the President whiter than a mime’s face. Christian skin tone is a bright shade of red though, absolutely flipping out over this announcement. Spit flies from his mouth while his arms flail through the air. His brother is no help, Wheeler just shrugging when he’s glanced at, mouthing the words “I told you so.”

Comeau: An absolutely….you know…I don’t even think the word STUNNING is good enough to describe what we’ve just seen.

Moore: Oh good, I get to make up a word then.

Comeau: Erm, how about no. Not only did we just find out that Sallie and Krissie are back, but that they’ve consolidated their power and are apparently calling the shots around here. They even went as far as to announce a STEEL CAGE main event for Paranoia IV, with Savior and Douglas trapped inside. I wonder who they’re going to be locked in there with?

Susie: I hope it’s Bob Saget, I hate that guy.

Douglas has finally caught his breathe long enough to try and console his fellow Conspiracy members, but nobody is listening.

Comeau: The Tag Team Gauntlet is coming up in just a few moments. Prepare for CHAOS!

Moore: Okay, prepared.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Now available on DVD

TAG TITLE GAUNTLET

The fans are still booing a bickering Wheeler and Savior, the champions arguing amongst themselves. Obviously Christian doesn’t take kindly to his partner putting words in his mouth while Jason continues to bash his sibling’s poorly chosen alliances.

Mark: We’re back live on what has been a SHOCKING night thus far. We just found out that Sallie and Krissie are 50% owners of the IWC, and they’ve already begun to throw around their power.

Susie: Finally, a woman in charge.

Comeau: You do realize the company was owned for like four years by Sheryl Gray right?

Moore: Yeah, I said finally a WOMAN is in charge.

Mark: Yeah, okay. Anyway, not only has S&K forced Savior and Wheeler to be the FIRST team in the gauntlet, but they’ve also promised to name a main event for Paranoia VI by the end of the night.

The Infection is still barking back and forth when their cut off by “Spirit of the Underdog.” All attention shifts to the entry way where the smirking Freaks are now standing. David and Aurora loom side by side, staring down the man who got them in hot water with the entire roster, Jason Wheeler. The Black Cat appears somewhat unnerved by the glare he’s receiving from the Freak’s, who only take their eyes off him for a moment to nod in one another’s directions. They now bolt straight at the ring..

Comeau: The Freaks the second team out here as part of this Tag Title Gauntlet and they’re not waiting to go after the Infection.

Moore: I thought you needed antibiotics to battle that type of thing.

Aurora and David slide into the ring and immediately begin to exchange shots with the Cartel and World Champions. The fans are going absolutely nuts as the two teams duke it out. Referee Wright is trying his best to get some semblance of order, but is unable to control these two warring factions.

It’s at this point that David delivers a blatant low blow to Christian, grabs him by the back of the head and charges him at the ropes. Savior is pitched through the ropes to the outside of the ring. All the while Wheeler is kicked to the gut and placed in a side headlock, Aurora charging at the cables to hit her Sinful Desires.

Jason quickly pushes her off, drops to the canvas and rolls to the outside of the ring. He ends up standing side by side with his brother, the two reeling over the chaotic start of this contest.

Comeau: The Freaks unleashing weeks worth of pint up hostilities on these two. If it hadn’t been for Wheeler’s betrayal of Riggs, neither David nor Aurora would have gotten in hot water with Psycho and the rest of the roster.

Moore: Usually when I get in hot water, it’s in a Jacuzzi, and I normally get a raise afterwards.

Mark: Yet whenever I do that I get arrested for public indecency.

The Black Cat and the Rising Phoenix discuss their game-plan but have no idea that the Freaks are darting across the ring and diving through the ropes. A stereo diving headbunt connects with the Infection members, knocking all four competitors down to the mats.

Comeau: Now a sensational stereo dive from the Freaks. This Gauntlet getting off to a thrilling start.

David drags Jason up to his feet, props his back against the apron and begins to rifle off chops and closed fists to his body. All the while Christian is being blasted over the upper back with clubbing blows, sending him staggering towards the steps. He falls against them for support while David steps in to one of his sides, and Aurora occupies the other.

They simultaneously hoist Christian into the air by this armpits and thighs then drop him viciously face first into the steps. His skull cracks against the steel before he ultimately plummets to his back.

It’s right at this point that Wheeler is barreling towards his opponents only to be caught with a double drop toe hold that sends him crashing face first into the stairs as well. His skull thuds off the metal and the body of the Cartel Champion tumbles down right alongside his brother.

Comeau: I can’t believe how fired up the Freaks are here tonight, but it’s justified. It was just a few weeks ago that they battled Wheeler and Savior only to come up short, so they’re not taking any chances here this evening.

Susie: It’s a good thing I brought my tranquilizer gun then. They can borrow it if they need to.

A frazzled Savior is pulled to his feet and rolled into the ring by both of his opponents. Aurora slides in right after him, rushing at the cables to his side and springing off the middle one. Savior has just gotten to his feet only to be taken down with a springboard dropkick that connects to the sternum.

The World Champion rolls around gripping at his sternum, stunned by the manner in which this tag team contest has gotten underway. Its at this point that Rose rolls across the ring towards David who is now occupying the corner, she reaches out and slaps his hand.

Freak quickly moves up the turnbuckle, reaching the top rope with the crowd actually chanting his name. He balances himself and waits for Christian to stand before taking flight. He soars through the air and connects with the high flying crossbody to a riotous reaction from the audience.

Their reaction gets even louder as the official drops to make a three count, thinking that David may have a pinfall victory over the World Champion himself.

1

2

Savior launches his shoulder from the ring, sucking all the life out of the crowd.

Comeau: David so very close to pinning Savior and eliminating the Infection from this Gauntlet. That would have to be considered an upset.

Moore: I know I wouldn’t be upset, okay, I might pout a little, but that’s only because I wouldn’t be able to look at Christian’s hair anymore.

A shaken Wheeler now climbs up into his corner, still gripping at his forehead and trying to regain his faculties. He’s now forced to watch Savior being chopped violently across the sternum and backed across the ring. Christian falls against the turnbuckle, his arms dangling over the ropes to keep himself upright as David makes the tag.

He and his wife back to the center of the ring then barrel forward and lunge simultaneously into the air, delivering a double flying forearm strike. Their arms connect with both sides of Christian’s jaw, leaving him incredibly dazed.

A stunned Savior’s eyes awkwardly flutter, trying to grasp onto his last semblance of consciousness. He remains upright just long enough for David to come barreling towards him looking for a big running boot.

Christian ducks out of the way of the yakuza style kick, causing David’s leg to launch over the top rope, almost racking himself on the turnbuckle. Aurora now comes charging in to avenge her husband only for Savior to side step her and deliver a kick to the back of her knee. As a result of this blow Rose’s legs are swept out from under her and her feet are launched into the bum of her husband.

The dropkick stretches David’s crotch even more, causing him to squeal with pain.

Mark: The Freaks’ momentum finally being cut off by the World Champion.

Susie: So basically he castrated them then? I didn’t even know Aurora was endowed in that way.

With an aching groin David turns his back to the turnbuckle, leaning on it for support. All the while his wife rolls backwards to her feet, looking truly sympathetic. That’s when Christian steps up behind her, grabbing her by the belt and the hair then employing her as a battering ram. He charges her at David and throws Rose shoulder first right into Freak’s ribs.

David doubles over, all the oxygen knocked out of his body and his wife backing away in shock that she hurt him again. Freak drops to his seat, gripping at his mid-section while his partner turns in time to spot an inbound Christian. She ducks his attempted lariat, Christian turning his back on the still seated David.

That’s when Aurora charges at him, looking for some BIG move only to be caught with a drop toe hold. Rose tumbles head first directly into David’s testicles.

Freak again cries out in pain, reaching for his swollen testicular region.

Moore: Ewww, that move was HAWT!

Mark: Aurora again unintentionally being used as a weapon against her husband.

David’s mouth hangs open, his face as red as a ginger kid’s hair. He finally begins to roll under the cables, getting out of harm’s way. All the while Rose stands up trying to explain herself to her husband only to back into the waiting arms of Christian.

He wedges his shoulder to her spine and lifts her up into a back drop suplex position. Somehow Rose flips over, landing right behind the World Champion then lunges into the air, connecting with a dropkick. The sheer force of the kick sends Savior scrambling forward into the cables and falling to his knees.

A reeling Christian falls chest first against the middle cable, his eyes glazed over. Rose stands and spots her prone opponent, realizing that Savior is in perfect position for a 619. Therefore she goes rushing backwards into the far cables only to be low bridged.

Wheeler pulls down on the top cable, sending Aurora flipping over them backwards and landing on her feet. She’s only standing for a moment before Jason dives off the apron into a high flying lariat. Jason knocks Aurora to the mats, Wheeler landing beside him, a demonic glint inhabiting his eyes.

Moore: Jason taking Aurora down with cheap tactics. That’s not surprising.

Mark: Aww, but I love surprises, especially when someone pops out of a cake, although that’s normally me.

The crowd is jumping all over Wheeler, who pays them little mind as he leads Aurora to her feet and into the ring. She is slid in across her stomach, Rose gripping at her throat in a lot of pain. She just gets to her knees when Christian steps in, takes her around the neck and drops back into a thunderous DDT.

Rose’s skull is slammed violently against the ring, her body rolling to its back while Savior crawls desperately towards his brother. Jason is back in their corner as his hand is slapped by the World Champion, bringing him into the contest OFFICIALLY.

Comeau: Wheeler legally brought into this match now.

The Black Cat ascends the turnbuckle, reaching the top rope then licking his lips in anticipation. He waits for Aurora to reach her feet, which is exactly what she’s trying feebly to do. She just stands up when Wheeler flies through the air, going for a lariat only to have his chin engulfed by the boots of the Punk Rock Princess.

The dropkick counter causes Jason to land on his feet looking incredibly dazed before twisting around and falling into the cables. He leans on the middle rope chest first before Rose comes barreling in, grabbing the ropes and swinging around into a big 619.

Both shins nail Jason to his face and send him flying backwards across the ring.

Mark: Big 619 from Aurora, who is keeping her team alive in this contest.

Susie: Usually when I want to keep something alive I just put it in my freezer. One day I’ll thaw out my cat once they’ve discovered a cure for being run over with a truck.

The crowd is really enthused by what they’re witnessing, shocked that the Infection are being dominated by the Freaks in this tag team contest. Wheeler is all disorientated, the Cartel Champion grabbing at his face and trying to regain his focus. All the while Aurora is slipping through the ropes, approaching her corner and slapping the outstretched hand of her husband.

Just as Wheeler gets to his feet, David is right on top of him, delivering repeated jabs to the forehead. Freak is all fired up as he now nails a few knife edge chops and delivers a headbunt square to the noggin of the Black Cat.

Jason falls spine first against the ropes with Christian making the blind tag, slapping his shoulder. David is completely unaware that the World Champion has tagged himself in as he tries to whip Wheeler across the ring.

However, Jason puts the breaks on it, turning to face David and reversing the whip. Freak is launched into the cables, bouncing off of them just as Jason drops down across his stomach and Savior enters the ring. The quick thinking Freak dives over top of Wheeler and connects with a flying forearm to the face of the Rising Phoenix.

Both Christian and David tumble to the ring with Freak rolling into the cables, utilizing them to reach his feet. He now rushes at the slowly standing Wheeler, only to charge right into the Claim to Fame. The sky high press slams Freak violently against the canvas.

Mark: Claim to Fame connects, and it just sucked all the momentum out of David’s body.

Susie: I knew Wheeler was still a vampire, if he’s sucking things out of people. I just hope he doesn’t go all Blackula on me.

An exasperated Wheeler stands up and spots Aurora on the apron, charging at her and delivering a dropkick to her shin. The kick knocks Rose’s legs out from under her, sending her crashing face first into the apron then collapsing to the mats.

All the while her husband sluggishly begins to stand up, forcing himself to his feet with his kidneys inflamed by his pain. He now turns right into the diamond cutter from the World Champion. David’s head slams forcefully against the canvas, his body rolling across the ring and convulsing like a fish deprived of water.

Comeau: Now Savior hits that high impact maneuver, don’t tell me these two are about to advance in this gauntlet.

Moore: I…..won’t…..then.

The fans are screaming, pleading, begging Freak to kick out once Christian slides into the cover.

1

2

3

And just like that the Freaks have been eliminated from the gauntlet, Infection advancing.

Comeau: Ah RATS!

Moore: Where? I like to tie their tails into bows.

Mark: Savior and Wheeler advance to the next stage of this Gauntlet, but they sure had their hands full with the Freaks.

Wheeler now steps towards his brother, sticking his head under the World Champion’s arm and assisting him to his feet. Unfortunately the two are given barely any time at all to recover before an all too familiar intruder makes his presence felt.

The crowd changes its tune drastically as Psycho enters the ring and barrels across it, delivering a stereo lariat on both the Cartel and World Champions.

Comeau: What the? Well I guess Psycho’s team is the next entrant in this Gauntlet, and he’s not giving the Infection a rest period.

Susie: I think I need a rest period, that’s why I brought my fuzzy bunny slippers, and my rainbow bright night light.

Christian struggles back to his feet only to be caught with a vicious running headbunt to the sternum. The force of the impact sends Savior flying into the ropes and spilling through them, leaving Psycho alone with the recovering Freak and most importantly, Jason Wheeler. He has his sights set on the man who injured his tag team partner, relishing at the opportunity to get his hands on him.

That’s when a recovered David jumps on Wheeler and begins to unload on him with hard right hands to the face. Psycho watches this and stews with anger, not taking kindly to someone else yet again cutting in on his dance.

Comeau: Uhh, I think David is only trying to help, but once again he’s just making an awful mess of things.

Moore: Just like when I was baking my silly putty cookies for the tea party.

David now gets behind Jason, propping him up on his seat and pinning his arms behind his back. He shouts for Psycho to exact his revenge and that’s exactly what the savage does, only not on the target Freak had intended. Instead it’s David who swallows a giant haymaker.

The fist almost cracks David’s jaw and knocks him forcefully to the canvas. He rolls to the outside of the ring at this point, gripping at his now swollen lip while Aurora catches him, holding her injured husband. The two glare scornfully at the ring while moving towards the entry way.

Mark: I don’t think the Freaks will ever make things right with the Sadistic One. Lord knows they’ve tried.

Susie: They should just send him a fruit basket, that will fix everything.

The malicious eyes of Psycho center on Wheeler, who is now all alone. He raises his palms and scoots across his posterior towards a corner, pleading for some leniency. His pleas only make Psycho chuckle until his face turns a bright red shade.

Comeau: That’s right, he’s completely at your mercy, Psycho, so make him pay for his past trangressions.

Psycho slowly reaches into his pocket and removes, you guessed it, that sickening fork. He squeezes it gleefully upon approaching the prone Wheeler.

Psycho: It’s time for the main course, hahaha.

Just before he can sink his teeth into the Black Cat, a set of hands reaches under the cables, grabs Jason’s ankle and pulls him to the outside of the ring. Unfortunately he wasn’t saved , instead he was pulled out of the ring so Shin Iwate, and ONLY Shin Iwate could get his hands on him.

The crowd screams at the sight of Iwate who lights Jason up with jabs, chops, kicks and headbunts, utilizing every inch of his anatomy to inflict pain. Psycho watches through dejected eyes, once again prevented from getting his hands on the Black Cat.

Mark: Shin Iwate has got hold of the man who STOLE his Cartel Championship. At this rate I don’t think Psycho will ever get his hands on Wheeler.

Moore: Haven’t these guys ever heard of sharing.

An exhausted Wheeler tries to fight back, landing a few peppering shots to Iwate’s face, but nothing will stop the demonic Shin. He continues to inflict torture through a spinning back chop that lands right across Jason’s jaw. Wheeler is staggered by the impact as Iwate moves in for the kill.

Neither man is aware that Psycho is barreling across the ring and diving over the top rope. Shock is exhibited by the fans as Psycho’s large frame flies over the ropes and comes crashing down head first onto BOTH Wheeler and Iwate.

Comeau: OH MY GOD!

Susie: Was the sun just blocked out there for a moment? How am I expected to get a tan?

The Manhattan Center is shaking, everyone cheering at the sight of Psycho’s death defying leap that paid off in dividends. All three men are down on the mats at this point, Psycho the freshest of them all. He stands up and FINALLY slips his fingers into Jason’s hair, leading him up to his feet. A deadly haymaker connects right to Wheeler’s eye, knocking him to a knee.

Mark: Psycho has really got to be enjoying this.

Moore: It’s like going to Disney Land for him. I don’t go myself, too many midgets, especially on that Small World ride.

Psycho takes the bangs of Wheeler’s hair and cocks back his fist for another lethal right to the skull. Before his blow can land, Jason shoots an arm up right into the Sadistic One’s crotch. Psycho grits his teeth and doubles over, gripping his testicles with both hands. Before he can cut loose with a Sasquatch like wail from Harry and the Henderson’s, Savior charges in out of nowhere and lays him out with the spear.

The Sadistic One is driven into the mats, his body enflamed with trauma.

Mark: A low blow followed by the spear, Infection showing just what kind of people they are.

Moore: Honkies?

Christian and Wheeler take hold of Psycho, moving him into the ring being a two man effort. Psycho is rolled in under the ropes, ending up on all fours when Christian slides in beside him and charges into a boot to his skull. The shot knocks Psycho over onto his back, Savior dropping to all fours at his side.

That’s when Wheeler charges in, springs on top of Savior’s back, turns his spine towards Psycho and moonsaults directly on top of him. Jason hooks the leg, demanding the referee make the count. The official drops, slapping the canvas while the crowd boos furiously.

1

2

Psycho kicks out to a deafening roar from the audience. Neither Infection member can understand how he did it, but Psycho indeed powered his shoulder from the canvas.

Comeau: Amazingly Psycho kicked out even after the tandem offense of Wheeler and Savior.

Susie: This is like watching a Rocky movie, only there are no huge Russians, or Clubber Lang, or Mickey, or Adrian.

Mark: Then how is it anything like a Rocky movie?

Moore: I don’t know, I just like to hear myself talking.

Now Psycho is the one who finds his arms being pinned behind his back as he’s sat up on the canvas. Savior holds the arms and leaves the Sadistic One entirely exposed for Wheeler, who promptly goes to work. He delivers a series of stomps to the chest and the mid-section.

Jason: Now the tables have turned, pal.

Wheeler rushes into the ropes, bounces off and comes back in with a running boot that lands right across Psycho’s jaw. Iwate watches this torture unfold as he leans on the apron, still reeling from that dive from his tag team partner, or at least pretending to.

Referee Wright once again finds himself with the difficult task of trying to get some order to this chaos. Nobody is listening to his demands, especially the Infection who have pushed Psycho to his back as they both strangle him. Their palms engulf his throat, their bodies shaking around as they try to apply more pressure.

Comeau: Come on Ref, do something about this already, get one of the champions out of the ring.

Psycho’s face turns bright blue before the Infection breaks their illegal choke. It took the referee starting a five count and reaching four before they would stop their blatant cheating. After much discussion between Savior and the official, the World Champion finally agrees to leave the ring.

He leaves Jason to continue decimating the Sadistic One. Psycho gets up into a crawling position before Wheeler stomps viciously on one of his hands. Psycho growls from the pain and rises to his knees only to have Jason lunge into the air, dropkicking him to the temple.

Comeau: The slow methodical destruction of Psycho now beginning. This is where Wheeler and Savior are at their most dangerous, when they have their opponent grounded to the canvas.

Moore: Yeah, people have told me I’m at my most dangerous when lying on my back.

Mark: I’m sure you’ve heard that from PLENTY of people.

Psycho is all shaken up from these blows but refuses to stay down, already trying to get back up. Before he can so much as get off his knees, Jason mounts his back, and grabs the chin. He now has Psycho trapped in the camel clutch.

A furious Savior shouts at Wheeler to continue applying the pressure, to put even more oomph behind it. Jason wrenches back as far as he can on the head of the Sadistic One, who’s face is contorted and twisted by the pain. Shin continues to watch this scene unfold, standing on the outside mats and leaning on the apron. A funny little grin forms on his face, enjoying what he’s seeing.

Psycho begins to inch his way across the ring on his knees, desperately trying to get to the ropes to avail himself of this pain. Jason rears back even farther on the chin, keeping him from progressing any further.

Jason: Your going to end me, huh? Doesn’t look like that’s happening tonight, haha…

Before Jason can get in another cruel laugh, Psycho reaches up with one of his hands, grabbing hold of Wheeler’s wrist and yanking down on it. As a result Jason is flipped forward, over the head of his opponent, and sent rolling across the canvas. He eventually spills to the outside of the ring, landing across his knees.

Comeau: Psycho somehow fighting out of that camel clutch.

Susie: I think it was a combination of roids and spinach that saved him.

At the very least Wheeler can take comfort in the fact that he’s rolled out of harm’s way. That’s before he spots Iwate coming at him, launching a right hand. Jason ducks the inbound fist and flees towards the ring, sliding in under the ropes. He jumps to his feet and turns towards Shin on the outside, shouting some discouraging remarks at him.

Wheeler: I beat you fair and square for your title, DEAL WITH IT!

It’s at this point that Jason is pun around, grabbed by the throat and driven to the canvas with a violent chokeslam. The ring shakes as Wheeler’s body is driven against it with ungodly velocity. Psycho now drops to his knees and falls into the lateral press.

Comeau: Psycho may have the victory!

The crowd chants along with the count.

1

2

Christian dives in at the last second, dropping a forearm across the back of Psycho’s neck. He breaks up the pinfall attempt and now takes the Sadistic One under his jaw, leading him up to his feet.

Comeau: Dammit, I thought Infection was going to be eliminated for sure, but leave it to Christian to kill the buzz.

Moore: Whenever I stop buzzing I just eat more sugar cubes.

The moment that Psycho reaches his feet, Christian lunges into the air and dropkicks him to the chin, knocking the big man backwards into a turnbuckle. Shin has climbed to the apron at this point, actually extending his hand out over the canvas, looking to be tagged in by the very same man he nailed with brass knuckles last week.

Mark: Shin actually asking for a tag now.

Savior spots Shin from the corner of his eye, prompting him to spin around and nail him to the jaw with a right hand. The blow knocks Iwate back to the outside mats where he lands on his feet. The Asian Nightmare grins menacingly then drops to his knees, throwing the tarp hanging from the apron into the air and searching under the ring.

All the while Psycho turns towards the still dazed Psycho, barreling towards him and lunging into the air. All of a sudden Psycho catches Savior across the sternum and plants him violently to the ring with a standing STO. The impact of Savior’s body against canvas brings the fans out of their seats, truly enjoying the torturous slam.

Christian flips over to his stomach after the STO, looking spent. His opponent however, has just got his second wind, Psycho stepping out of the corner, eyes vehemently focused on the recuperating Wheeler.

Before he can rain destruction down on the Black Cat, Jason uses just one of his extra nine lives to stand and connect with a superkick. The boot lands right under the Sadistic One’s jaw, sending him tumbling to the canvas amongst a wave of screams from the audience.

Mark: That superkick right on the button.

Susie: I hope the button was Psycho’s off switch. That way he’d be unable to fight my advances.

The Sadistic One lays on the canvas, eyes glossed over and brain dead after that kick. Somehow he has the instinct to roll towards the cables though, spilling under them to the outside of the ring. He leaves Jason behind, who is already celebrating despite his almost crippled body.

Wheeler provides some showmanship to an unappreciated audience. He casts his arms out to his sides, flexes a muscle and turns right into a Singapore cane. The stick cracks over his head with disturbing velocity, wielded by Iwate himself.

Comeau: What a shot from the Singapore cane!

The official has no alternative but to call for the bell, disqualifying Iwate and Psycho. However, Shin could care less, only interested in inflicting punishment on the Infection members.

Christian just gets to his feet and turns before the cane is swung viciously into his ribs. The sound of wood smacking bone echoes throughout the arena, Savior’s flesh reddened by the impact. He falls to his knees, doubled over from the pain, but it’s back that shortly becomes his focal point.

Another cane shot connects right across his spine, knocking the screaming World Champion to his stomach where he writes in agony. Shin stands over him, truly enjoying the sounds of his cries.

Mark: Iwate not concerned with the Tag Team Titles, he just wants to torture these two. He doesn’t even care that he was disqualified.

The fans are actually chanting Iwate’s name, a sensational all too strange for the warrior. He considers their ovation trivial, his focus locked on the recovering Wheeler. A huge welt has formed on Jason’s forehead as he struggles to his feet, just standing up long enough to take yet another shot between the eyes with the cane.

This strike is even more devastating than the last, toppling the Black Cat.

Moore: Ewww, those shots could cause brain damage.

Comeau: Something I’m sure your very familiar with.

Susie: Why do you keep saying that?

With both the Infection members laid out at his feet, Iwate throws down the cane and turns his attention to the time keeper. He rolls under the ropes to the outside and approaches the Cartel Championship. He rips it out of the time keeper’s hands and now approaches the ring, sliding in across his stomach.

Comeau: Iwate has finally got back his Cartel Title, but he’s going to give Wheeler one last taste of the gold.

Moore: Too many calories. You know how evil that championship is, it has to be high in fat.

Iwate spots Savior standing up first, therefore he drops the belt to the canvas, boots Christian to the ribs and DDTs him right onto the title. Christian’s skull bounces off of the gold as his body now rolls lifelessly across the ring, ending up mere inches away from his incapacitated brother.

It’s at this point that Shin rises to his feet and lifts the Cartel Title aloft to a rousing ovation from the crowd. Although they may not like him, they have to respect the brutality that he just inflicted on the Infection. The Championship sparkles above his head, Iwate looking up at it and taking a relaxing breathe. Just as he exhales a steel chair cracks against his spine, knocking him to the canvas.

Mark: HEY!!

Psycho towers over Iwate, the dented chair gripped tightly in his hands. The psychotic competitor shivers with rage, foam bubbling at his lips, and veins dancing in his temples.

Psycho: Nobody takes credit for MY work ANYMORE!

Shin reaches for his back, the chair shot connecting with enough force to almost completely incapacitate him. It leaves him incapable of stopping Psycho from throwing down the chair and instead taking the Cartel Title into his hands.

He stares at his mangled reflection in the gold and then down at Iwate.

Psycho: Let’s see how you like it.

Psycho steps past Iwate and moves towards the ropes, leaving the ring with the Cartel Championship flung over his shoulder.

Moore: Oh come on, now the Cartel Title is leaving with Psycho. How many people is it going to betray?

Mark: The insanity centering around the Cartel Championship continuing, I don’t think it’ll ever end, but the big story here is that Infection have been left incapable of competing any longer in this gauntlet.

An aching Shin forces himself up onto his palm, watching as Psycho walks away with his gold. Iwate’s eyes are fiery at this point, rolling across the canvas and under the ropes as he gives chase. The broken bodies of Wheeler and Savior are left behind in the ring, neither man able to move after the brutality they’ve incurred.

Comeau: Well we’ll keep you updated on what’s happening with this whole Cartel Title situation, and we’ll see rather or not Christian and Jason can compete after the commercial break.

Moore: YAY, pee break.

The camera focuses one final time on the aching, shattered frames of the World and Cartel Champions before heading into the break.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Perry Saturn….the ULTIMATE ladies man

BAD OMENS

A steel pipe scrapes across the wall, chipping the plaster and rattling across some steel doors. The pipe leads from the wall to the wrist, and from the wrist to the shoulder, and from the shoulder to the face of Johnny Kingdom. Needless to say the expression on the former World Champion’s face is anything but pleasant.

Mark: Johnny Kingdom moments away from defending his strap in this gauntlet, and he’s bringing a little insurance policy with him. The very same weapon that has apparently laid him out for the past TWO shows.

Susie: It must be conspiring with the Cartel Title.

Comeau: I don’t know who, or how many, are about to suffer the Team Leader’s wrath, but I’m guessing a lot of people are in A LOT of trouble.

Moore: Are Mrs. Cleo? I didn’t know you were Jamaican.

Somehow Kingdom maintains an air of pompousness even with the menacing weapon in his hand. Obviously he’s got bad plans brewing in his head, intended for some very bad people.

DURING THE BREAK

A frozen image of Douglas’ private security force carting off two broken bodies consumes the screen. Obviously this still is already enough to tell you that their participation in the gauntlet is finito.

Mark: Kingdom will have to wait in line if he wants to get his hands on these two. This is what happened during the commercial break, right after Shin Iwate and Psycho left Infection laying.

Moore: Not with one another obviously, I don’t condone incest.

Comeau: How were you born then?

The footage is set into motion, showing every last repugnant scene. The barely conscious bodies of the Infection are assisted towards the curtains, all their weight leaning against security’s shoulders. Drool is excreted from both men’s faces, making them looking like St Benards in the middle of a heat wave. Douglas comes to the stage, barking like a bitch in heat.

Dan: I will not have MY talent, performing under these conditions. Come on, get them backstage where it’s safe.

He is red in the face, looking like a ripe tomato presiding over a garden of vegetables.

Dan: I said move it! Put them in the hot-tub and call my personal doctor. I cannot tolerate risking the lives of our two biggest stars.

EMTs have joined the riot clad security force in promptly assisting the champions to the back. They wear the wounds of battle, dark red impressions made on their skin from the Singapore cane. Savior looks like it’s too painful to even have anyone touch him, let alone drag him to the safety of the backstage area.

Jason’s eyes have rolled to the back of his head, his jaw agape, appearing as if he’s been rendered comatose.

Mark: Infection taken backstage after those BRUTAL cane shots from Iwate. I guess that means their out of this gauntlet for good. But what state does that leave this match in? I guess we’ll be getting two fresh teams out here.

Moore: I hope they’re fresh too, I hate when things sour. Milk tastes awful when it’s all clumpy, or so I’ve been told.

Comeau: Your eating disorders do amuse me. It just means I won’t have to put up with you much longer.

GAUNTLET TWO

“Original Gangster” streams through the PA system and registers uproar from the crowd. Absolutely everyone is upright in the stands, cheering for Porno Lad who swaggers to the stage trailed by Katelyn Buehler. The unstable unit confidently strolls down the ramp listening to the loud reaction from the crowd. Porno Lad stops in front of a little kid in the audience, grabbing a comb out of his jacket pocket and handing it over as a momento. He now ruffles the youth’s hair and progresses onward. Buehler seems rather disgusted by his attempts to remain a fan favorite.

Moore: Awww, I want a comb too.

Mark: Porno Lad continuing his attempt at being a super-face, but he’s just doing a horrible job of it.

Porno Lad and Katelyn find themselves in the same boat as many of their opponents, wanting to throw their partner overboard. Although he loveable Lad tries his hardest to fight back spitting on Buehler, he finds himself loosing self control as Katelyn does some shadow boxing and kicks, trying her best to please him.

Mark: I guess Porno Lad & Katelyn Buehler are the closest thing to a functional tag team that we’ve seen in this match thus far. Their relationship on shaky footing and by shaky footing I mean completely OVER. Unfortunately Katelyn just doesn’t get it, which is why their teaming in the gauntlet.

Susie: He’s just not that into you. Hahaha, pop culture zinger number….uhhh… I wish I knew how to count to truly make these achievements epic.

Comeau: Despite relationship issues and mental retardation, Porno Lad and Katelyn had quite the impact on last week’s wedding, let’s see if they’ll have an even bigger impact on this match.

All Porno can do is shake his head at Katelyn as she provocatively stretches in front of him, acting like a cat with her rump raised high into the air. Before anymore awkward sexual poses can be attempted their interrupted by the titontron.

DO YOUR JOB

Wheeler: AAAAHHH, mother Mary and Joseph, I think it left BLISTERS!

Wheeler sounds like he’s forcing a ten pound baby out of his loins as he’s aided through the backstage area. He and Christian still lean over the shoulders of EMTs and their privately funded riot clad security guards.

Christian: It’s going to leave a fucking scar, I know it. I didn’t sign up for this SHIT!

Much like his brother, the World Champion continues to oversell the severity of his injuries. The group leading the way come from two opposing schools of thought, Evans annoyed by the bitching champions, and Douglas looking heart broken by their cries.

Douglas: Don’t worry guys; I’m having my masseuse brought in, and that little Asian guy who practices the acupuncture. You’ll be fixed up in no time.

Savior: It’s the least you can do.

Jason: There better be a twelve pack waiting for us, no, no, a whole fucking KEG!

Dan continues to try and placate their outrageous demands, acting like infants with the sniffles, extorting all they can out of their over-concerned parents. Their cries cease when the group is cut off by a wall of wrestlers. Max Craven, Axl Evermore, Nathan Creed and several other talents are assembled, standing shoulder to shoulder with chairs in hand.

Every eye in the Conspiracy camp timidly glares at the solid steel in the their rivals’ possession, wondering what they could be in store for. Some of the Riot! security guards move in to protect their clients, but even they wouldn’t be able to match this all star group of talents.

Dan: What’s the meaning of this. Get out of our way or I’ll….

Axl: You’ll do what, Douglas, what? Seems to me you aren’t in the position to being making idle threats.

Obviously the President is stunned that his bluff was called, once again swallowing with an exaggerated gulp.

Krissie: That’s right Dannny boy….

From between this exceptional assemblage of talent, strolls a confident McMorris, tending to her still mending arm. Creed carefully throws his shoulder lovingly over her shoulder, making her all the more confident as she finishes her sentence.

McMorris: And you want to know why your so powerless.

Douglas shrugs till his shoulders reach his temples.

Krissie: Because we’re calling the shots tonight, and our first official edict is to tell Infection, that if they don’t go back out there and compete, then I’m STRIPPING Savior of the World Heavyweight Title.

The fans in the arena are so happy they could explode and shower the arena in colorful confetti. Savior and Wheeler share a polar opposite reaction, going into fits upon hearing this news. Once again they lay down their burden on Douglas.

Savior: She can’t do that can she?

Wheeler: NOBODY tells me what to do. I don’t take orders from some….

McMorris: Choose your words carefully, Jason, I won’t hesitate to SUSPEND you.

Jason suddenly becomes mute, using his eyes to blink his insults in Morris code. Savior almost bites off his lower lip in a rage. For once Evans isn’t laughing over the suffrage of his partners, instead he’s leering at Creed and Krissie’s injured arm.

Krissie: So I suggest they get back to the ring, and if they even think of being disqualified or getting intentionally counted out, that Championship…..

She gestures to the World Title weighing down Christian’s tense shoulder.

Krissie: Will end up on MY mantle.

Once again the crowd unleashes an impassioned cry and Savior mumbles a long line of inaudible obscenities. Creed cannot help but to grin for the first time in weeks, causing the skin of the Infection members to squirm. Nevertheless they stagger back towards the ring, leaving Douglas and Evans behind. All Dan can do is grab Pat by his shirt, spin him so their eye to eye and utter a few whispers.

Douglas: You know what to do.

They make eye contact for several moments, Dan letting Evans know that he’s deathly serious. They quickly glance at the wall of stars that oppose them then scamper off. Their security guards follow, backing away and refusing to take their eyes off their client’s greatest rivals. All of the legends share a comforting smile, realizing that for once they’re calling the shots.

GAUNTLET PART THREE

The show comes back to the ring centering on a smile so bright it could light the entire arena. Porno Lad is obviously enjoying what he’s just seen, and now gets a little added pleasure out of participating in this match.

Comeau: Infection being sent back out here even after being decimated by Shin Iwate and that Singapore cane. They’re going to be easy pickings for the N.H.B Champion and his ex-lover, and there will be no love lost when Porno Lad sets his hands on Savior and Wheeler.

Susie: Why are Christian and Jason so desirable? You make them sound like the cops from Chips. Oh my, my panties just got soggy.

Mark: Wonderful.

Now that they’ve been given no option in the matter, Jason and Christian risk permanent injury by staggering back to the ramp. They lean on one another for support upon staggering down the ramp, continuing to show their battle wounds.

Mark: These guys are in NO condition to compete, which just makes this all the more bittersweet.

Susie: It’s as bittersweet as lawn shavings. That’s the only thing I get to eat.

Comeau: Well Infection are about to get a steady helping of brutality from Porno Lad.

Moore: Oh Mark, your always so over the top.

Referee Wright takes particular satisfaction as he DEMANDS either Christian or Jason enter the ring. Jason merely blows him off while the World Champion offers a simple solution for their predicament over who will start first. They interlock hands and begin to thumb war.

Moore: Oh wow, I’m the master of this game, and Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

Before a winner can be decided, Porno Lad rushes up behind Christian, grabs him by the back of the head and the tights and throws him into the ring. A shocked Wheeler rushes at Porno, who has the wherewithal to bend down, catching him against his shoulder then back dropping him through the air.

The Black Cat doesn’t land on his feet, instead he splats across the mats where he bellows in agony. Inside of the ring Christian has gotten to his feet only to be spun around by Katelyn and have a wet one planted on his lips.

Susie: Dammit, why doesn’t everyone find love but me?

Mark: At least you have your stuffed animals.

Moore: Actually it takes something battery operated.

The lip lock is broken as Savior backs up, eyes awkwardly blinking, looking intoxicated from the kiss. Obviously this passionate fling did the trick, distracting the World Champion long enough to back into Porno Lad’s arms. He snaps Savior over into a bridging German suplex for the pin.

Wright quickly slaps the canvas.

Comeau: Are Infection finally going to be eliminated the hard way?

Susie: Hard as in math, or hard as in penis?

Comeau: Hard as in something I want to hit you over the head with.

The reaction in the building is damn near deafening as the count is made.

1

2

3

Infection have been ELIMINATE….no, scratch that, Christian got his shoulder up just before the three.

Mark: Was that a THREE? NO!

Savior drops over to his knees as Porno Lad goes to work quickly. He wraps his arms around one of Savior’s biceps, and his legs around the other, dropping to his stomach and pulling his opponent up onto his shoulders. The crucifix pin may just do the trick.

1

2

Christian kicks out, the World Champion launching both shoulders from the canvas just before the three. Perhaps his condition isn’t as bad as he made it seem, because he STILL possesses the power to get out of these quick pinfall attempts. Of course when he stands up, it looks as if his brain is barely functioning, especially after receiving a HARD slap across the face from Buehler.

Buehler: That’s for MOLESTING me!

The slap sends a wide eyed Christian turning right into a small package from Porno Lad. Once again the crowd is absolutely rabid in anticipation of the pinfall.

1

2

Wheeler now dives into the frame, breaking up the pinfall before the final count could be made.

Mark: Jason saving this match for his team. It amazes me that these two are actually hanging in their instead of just letting themselves get pinned. I guess their possessed by the spirit of competition.

Moore: I was possessed once, but it turns out it was just gas.

Obviously treachery is afoot, Wheeler refusing to vacate the ring and instead barreling towards Porno Lad. This time the N.H.B Champion ducks Jason’s attempted double axehandle, letting him walk right into a Lou Thez Press from Katelyn. Raw emotion emits from Buehler in the form of closed fists connecting to Jason’s skull.

Wheeler tries to cover up but its in vein. Finally it takes the official to drag Buehler off of Jason, but Wright takes his time in doing so now that his job is no longer in jeopardy.

Comeau: Katelyn all over Wheeler, I’ve never seen such aggression out of her.

Susie: She must have eaten, usually we wouldn’t do that because having sugar in our blood stream makes us anorexics violent.

As Wright pushes her towards a corner, Buehler makes sure his attention is completely on her, doing so by seductively running a finger down his chest. The official blushes, unaware that Porno Lad has snuck up behind a rising Wheeler and delivered a blatant uppercut to the gonads.

Jason cries out in pain as Porno Lad stands behind him, takes his belt and his ravishing locks and pitches him out of the ring through the ropes.

Fans: PORNO LAD, PORNO LAD, PORNO LAD!

The chants are like music to the ears of the egotistical Prankster, who does a Hogan-esque cupping of the ear in order to hear them better. This only makes their response all the louder. Unfortunately, Katelyn’s distraction of the referee proves to be a double edged sword because Christian now breaks the rules by ripping off a turnbuckle pad.

He pulls himself to his feet with the aid of the very turnbuckle he’s re-arranging, fully aware that Porno Lad is charging up behind him. Christian seemingly has eyes in the back of his head because he clears out of the way as the mischievous Lad goes for a stinger splash.

Mark: OH NO!

The N.H.B Champion eats exposed turnbuckle bolt, rendering him as loopy as a combination of Margot Kidder and Robert Downy Jr. He is unable to stop Christian from pulling him down into the backslide, victory seemingly a certainty at this point.

Comeau: Porno’s head CRACKED right like an egg right against that bolt.

Susie: I hope a fuzzy duckling comes out.

Mark: This may be just the opportunity Infection needed to seize to advance.

The crowd can barely stand the tension as the referee turns around to make the count. Buehler has no idea what happened as she stands in the corner, not knowing that she should be breaking up the pin.

1

2

Mark: Not this way!

The ref’s hand is mere inches from the canvas before Porno Lad’s arm launches off of the canvas, keeping his team alive. Savior lays on the canvas looking lost and despondent, his lips trembling with anger. Yet he doesn’t loose control, showing that he’s still two moves ahead of Porno Lad.

The Prankster drops to his knees and somehow begins to stand up if not on sheer instinct alone. The moment he stands though, Christian lunges into the air and connects with the code breaker. The N.H.B Champion stands up right for only a moment until he tumbles to his back, spread across the ring in prime position for a pinfall.

That’s just what Christian was banking on as he slides into the lateral press, urging the referee to count.

1

2

3!

To a buzz of excitement Porno Lad AGAIN kicks out, his shoulder springing from the ring like a jack-in-the-box.

Mark: Despite Savior’s best efforts, Porno Lad is hanging in there.

Moore: I’d rather be hanging with Mr. Cooper.

Comeau: I don’t think he can take much more of this after his head first landing against the exposed turnbuckle though. It’s got to be sheer adrenaline fueling him right now, and that can only keep you going for so long.

Susie: This is where steroids would come in handy.

Once again the fans are chanting Porno Lad’s name as he desperately tries to get up, having no idea that his upward ascension is about to be stopped by his FORMER partner. Wheeler has gotten the tag and now lunges to the top rope, springing off into a huge flying elbow drop.

The springboard elbow connects directly to Porno’s kidneys, knocking him to the ring where he writhes from the traumatic impact. Instead of going for the pin, Jason opts to further brutalize the man who took his N.H.B Title and at the same time send a message to the recently revealed co-owners of the IWC.

He literally rubs his foot in Porno Lad’s face, scraping and grinding his heel against the nose and the eyes. Buehler can’t stand to watch her former boyfriend’s beautiful face be ruined by Wheeler’s boot. The Cartel Champion refuses to take his foot away before it’s pushed off Porno Lad’s face by an angry referee.

Jason is shocked that Wright would even have the audacity to touch him, jumping right up into the referee’s face reading him the riot act. All this does is provide Porno Lad with the time he desperately needs to begin his recovery. Katelyn’s shrill screams do nothing to aid him, they only add to his headache.

Despite the trauma from his earlier meeting with the turnbuckle, Porno Lad stands up only to be taken back down with a jumping reverse neckbreaker from the Black Cat. The back of his skull slams viciously against the canvas, causing him to sit up and stomp his heels to the canvas from the pain.

Comeau: Porno Lad is in the worse predicament, fighting two men who have been backed into the corner, and doing so with a possible concussion.

Moore: Maybe I should examine him, head injuries are my thing.

Buehler continues to cry out for her beloved, trying to show off even MORE cleavage to inspire him. Even the lurid appear of exposed flesh doesn’t get Porno up, not on his feet at least.

It takes Wheeler pulling Porno to his feet for him to stand, only to be booted to the ribs and taken over with a quick snap suplex. The controversial champion splats across his back, with Jason, now arrogant, floating over, not into a pin, but to place his wrist against his opponent’s eyes. He rakes his wrist tape against Porno Lad’s corneas until the referee threatens him with disqualification.

Sadly Jason recalls what he was just warned about a few moments ago, the possibility of suspension lingering over his head should be disqualified. Wheeler backs away and slaps the hand of his brother, bringing Christian back into the match. Savior sets inhibitions aside and seemingly forgets the pain coursing through his back as he climbs the turnbuckle.

Like King Kong he thumps his fists over his chest then dives through the air into a swanton bomb. The back of his skull lands right across Porno Lad’s ribs, knocking the air out of his lungs just like he knocks the excitement out of the crowd.

Comeau: You don’t see Christian do moves like that very often, a sick senton off the top rope, crushing whatever fight was left in Porno Lad’s body.

Moore: It crushed my feelings too. Hey, here comes my best friend Katelyn to console me.

Buehler ignores both commentators, much to Susie’s hurt feelings, and instead concerns herself with digging something out of her braw. To the crowd’s utter delight she removes a pear of brass knuckles, thumping them against her other palm to make sure they work. Her yelp tells her it functions.

Susie: Now she’s got sparkly knuckles.

Mark: Brass knuckles taken out by Buehler, she’s going to extreme measures to ensure victory.

Unaware to Buehler, Wheeler has taken notice of her erratic behavior. Inside of the ring Christian is now stooping over, his eyes blazing with intensity and licking his lips with sick satisfaction. He’s coiled like a snake, ready to take out Porno Lad, who is struggling to his feet despite being a broken shell of his former self.

Comeau: The Blaze of Glory in store for Porno Lad, Savior about to purge him from the face of the IWC.

Porno Lad is in PERFECT position, turning groggily towards the World Champion, who takes off looking for the rib shattering spear.

Mark: It’s over.

As he lunges in for the kill, a distraction sidetracks his mind. Savior notices Wheeler dropping out of the corner and approaching Buehler, looking to get the pounce on her. This BRIEF distraction leaves him unaware that Porno Lad has side-stepped him, and pushes him along head first into the exposed turnbuckle bolt.

Savior’s head is almost shattered by the collision with the exposed corner, turning with a swollen forehead right into the Epic Fail. The kick only further compounds the rattling in his head, and sends him plummeting to the ring like an alcoholic in slow motion.

Comeau: Savior tasting his own medicine, oh my, the EPIC FAIL!

Christian’s head feels like it’s moments from exploding like a scene out of Scanners. He’s unable to keep from being pinned by the N.H.B Champion.

1

2

3!

The entire Manhattan Center stands as one, commemorating this moment.

Mark: Porno Lad, just, he just, MY GOD, he just pinned the World Champion!

Moore: That’s bigger than J-Lo’s ass.

Comeau: Could your pop culture references be anymore out of date? I have to say this is HUGE, Porno Lad pinning Savior’s shoulders to the canvas and ELIMINATING Infection from the gauntlet.

As Savior comes through he rolls to his side, his eyes clouded with grief. Wheeler still has no idea that the pinfall was just made, distracted by his argument with Katelyn over the brass knuckles. Once he hears the reaction from the crowd he realizes what’s happened, his eyes shifting to the ring and almost exploding from their sockets.

His skull becomes redder than the ripest apple, his finger nails slicing through the skin of his palms as he forms tight fists. But the crowd pays his emotional response little mind, instead overwhelming Porno Lad with their cheers. He climbs to his feet, almost falling over several times in the process but still finding the strength to celebrate. His usual crocodile smile, which somehow shows off every single tooth in his mouth, slips inches across his face.

Susie: I think Porno Lad beats me in the biggest smile competition, but he’s still right behind Melina.

Mark: He’s got a lot to smile about, he’s just pinned the World Champion and knocked the Infection out of this gauntlet. This is the BIGGEST win of his IWC career.

The rousing Porno Lad chant continues from the audience, overjoyed as he climbs to a turnbuckle and throws his arms up into the air. Katelyn tosses the brass knuckles under the ring, shrugs in Wheeler’s direction then slides into the squared circle to join in the celebration. She hops around giggling loudly only for her reaction to kill Porno Lad’s high.

Porno Lad: What the hell are you celebrating for? I did all the work.

Buehler looks devastated, lowering her chin to her chest and protruding her lower lip like a toddler just denied a cookie. Wheeler has assisted a still groggy Savior from the ring, despite his anger over what just happened, he couldn’t leave his brother behind to fall prey to further misfortune. Christian leans on his partner’s shoulders for support, still not coming to terms with the cruel fate that has befallen he and his championship here tonight.

The crowd offers the two a fond farewell with a rousing chorus of “nah, nah, nah, nah—nah, nah, nah, nah--hey, hey, --GOODBYE!”

COMMERCIAL BREAK

World’s SLOWEST death scene

GAUNTLET PART FOUR

Although his head is in worse shape than normal, the N.H.B Champion continues to celebrate. He instructs Katelyn to hand out high fives to the crowd, which she does begrudgingly.

Mark: The celebration continuing after the Infection were ELIMINATED from the gauntlet. But is it really necessary for Porno Lad to oversell it like this? There are still TWO more teams slated to come out here.

Susie: Yes, he must oversell it, in all honesty, I was expecting more fireworks, but I’ll compensate by playing multiple kazoos at once.

Comeau: Your mouth can only hold one.

Moore: Who said anything about putting them all in my mouth?

Mark: I’m officially grossed out, yet intrigued.

The mandatory high fives continue before Porno Lad instructs Katelyn to sign a few autographs on his behalf. She sighs and goes about writing his name on some merchandise with a magic marker. The overblown celebration, complete with some confetti being thrown out over the crowd by BFG, is finally ended by another entrance.

A deep voice sounds over the loudspeakers as the following words appear on the Cartel-Tron...

SEX

&

VIOLENCE

It goes into the IWC edit of "All Nightmare Long" by Metallica as the crowd is buzzing in anticipation of who's about to emerge from the back: none other than the IWC contingent of Fully Loaded, Max Craven and Axl Evermore.

"'Cause we hunt you down without mercy, hunt you down all nightmare long!
Feel us breathe upon your face!
Feel us shift, every move we trace!
Hunt you down without mercy, hunt you down all nightmare long, yeah!
LUCK...RUNS...OUT; You crawl back IN-ah, but your
LUCK RUNS OUT-AH!!"

The crowd goes wild as the Casablanca Casanova and the Big Apple Superstar make their way to the center of the stage. .

Kailey Worf: On their way to the ring...from NEW YORK CITY, at a combined weight of 466 pounds, representing Fully Loaded...Max Craven and Axl Evermore...they ARE...SEX...&...VIOLENCE!!

Evermore and Craven pump their fists and generally do guts poses at the center of the stage, riling the roaring crowd up, before determinedly heading down the ramp with a pep in their step. The X-Class Championship glistens around his waist as he continues to descend upon the ring. They slide into the ring and Axl looks around with a grin and then pushes himself up as Max rolls into a front headspring, landing on his feet. They head to adjacent corners and climb, throwing their arms out with open palms and open-mouth smiles as the crowd cheers, then they hop down and head to the center. Axl drops to one knee and thrusts his arms out as Max behind him raises his arms in an X, and as Evermore points to himself with his thumbs, pyro explosions go off in time behind them to his three thumb points. As the smoke clears, they take off their team jackets and drape them over their corner while hopping in place and throwing hands into the air while whispering strategy to each other.

Comeau: Max Craven and Axl Evermore the next team in this gauntlet but they’re going to have their hands full trying to end Porno Lad’s momentum.

Moore: I’d like to get a handful of Porno Lad, he’s meaty, I like that.

Mark: Erm, okay. Sex & Violence perhaps the uncrowned jewel of the tag team division here in the IWC, but tonight they finally have the opportunity to change all. Their just two matches away from the championships.

The X-Class Champion and the King of Submission now find themselves mere inches from their opponents. Out of respect for Porno Lad’s earlier feat, hands are extended for a sportsmanlike shake. Porno Lad oddly just stares down into the palms before snapping his fingers. Like a loyal helper monkey, Katelyn fetches a microphone and brings it back to Porno Lad. Max smells his palm, wondering what kept the N.H.B Champion from shaking it.

Porno Lad: Max, I’m sure your hand has been in some wonderful places, or people, but I’m not going to shake it. At least not until we get business out of the way.

Mark: Business?

Both Craven and Evermore mouth the same word to one another in an equal amount of confusion. But seeing as it came from Porno Lad, they just give up trying to understand what he’s talking about.

Porno Lad: Now it might just be that my head was rammed into a turnbuckle bolt, and I’m a little fuzzy right now, or maybe Evermore doesn’t have two identical twins standing on either side of him…

Axl glances over each of his shoulders just to make sure.

Porno Lad: But I think my brain is exploding with ideas, much like my cock upon seeing Jessica Alba in a string bikini. However, this time my explosion won’t end with stiff socks, but we may be in for a sticky situation. Most people don’t like to reciprocate a favor.

If they weren’t so confused, Axl and Max would be far more intrigued.

Porno Lad: Even if they OWE someone, even if that someone is the same person who just single handedly defeated the Conspiracy. Now don’t worry, I’m not going to ask for a tickertape parade, I’m sure New York will throw me one of those anyhow, but since I was the one who basically GAVE you that X-Class Championship, Craven, I now expect something back in return.

Craven: A lifetime supply of lubricant?

Porno Lad: Already way ahead of you that one brother.

The crowd is both disgusted and amused simultaneously.

Max: Your not going to be cliché and ask me to hand over the title are you? I don’t suffer from elderly dementia like Hulk Hogan, and your not wearing a shinny suit like the Million Dollar Man, so what do you say we don’t repeat history?

Porno Lad: I wouldn’t dream of asking you for a title, and I actually do own FAR shinier suits than Ted Dibiase. What I was going to ask is if you can help Katelyn and I rekindle the spark in our relationship.

Craven: If that has anything to do with a ménage a tua I’m already far too busy with Hellkat and Desolation later…

Porno Lad: Would you STOP interrupting the man who with one finger bested BOTH Christian Savior and Jason Wheeler? I’ve been toying with the ideal of forgiving Katelyn for…. well…being Katelyn….

Buehler looks overjoyed.

Porno Lad: After all, she hasn’t fucked anything up tonight. So I figured the best way to get over this hump in our relationship is to have you, Max Craven, direct her in one of your tasteful porno flicks.

Mark: Is Porno Lad serious?

Susie: I hope so, and I’m not even a lesbian, last time I checked.

Obviously Katelyn wasn’t consulted about this, but smiles nevertheless. Craven and Evermore are already discussing their options while overlooking Buehler from head to toe.

Porno Lad: So what do you say boys? You gonna put her in the movies? You gonna repay me for my kindness? You gonna…

Max: I don’t know, her ankles are awfully thin.

As Max and Axl make their assessment, Porno Lad’s face sours.

Craven: And you know how popular ankle cleavage is right now.

Evermore: Yeah, it’s kind of IN right now.

Porno Lad: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you two saying.

He swats his hands through the air like trying to knock down a pesky bee.

Porno Lad: Are you saying she isn’t good enough? I have you know that I only FUCK women pretty enough to be porno starlets, and for you to insinuate otherwise is an insult sir, an INSULT of the gravest kind.

Craven examines Katelyn one last time as he smiles like an orphan begging to be adopted.

Max: Sorry, but like you said, my films are “tasteful.”

It’s obvious by Porno’s lowered head and the loss of his grin that his happiness is all but faded.

Porno Lad: So you can’t even do me this one little favor after all I’ve done for you?

Max shrugs, leaving it at that as the Prankster runs his palm down his face, loosing all control of his emotions.

Porno Lad: This is the way you treat a HERO? Well I think now is the time to learn how I treat hack directors. Claw him, Katelyn!

On cue Buehler lunges at Max’s eyes, finger nails extended only for Craven to catch her by the wrists and try to subdue her. All the while Evermore and Porno Lad are coming to blows, the two teams waging war.

Comeau: Well so much for seeing Katelyn on the small screen of my computer on those late lonely nights.

Susie: When I have nights like that I just turn on Ren and Stimpy.

Mark: Max turning Porno Lad down and now the short lived alliance between these two teams is OVER.

Craven finally drops to his knees, turns his back on Buehler and arm drags her over his head. She crashes to the canvas and rolls forward onto her feet, overselling the pain in her back, acting like she were just given a spinal tap. Max continues kneeling, examining her performance and her screams.

Max: Hmmm, you need a little work on your moans too.

Craven gives her further practice by rushing in and clotheslining her over the top rope. Buehler flips to the outside of the ring where she lays broken on the mats.

Unbeknownst to Craven, his partner is irresponsibly whipping Porno Lad towards his back side. The repercussions of such an act is look of remorse from Axl, and Porno Lad catching Craven with a bulldog that slams him face first against the canvas.

Mark: What a botch by Evermore, accidentally sending Porno Lad right into his own partner like that.

Susie: Axl needs eyes in the back of his head, although that may make pooping awkward.

Porno Lad is almost stunned by his own actions, mouth hanging open as he reaches his feet. His lips are sealed back together the moment Axl kicks him straight up to the chin.

The punt like jaw causes Porno to bite his lip and grab his chin, even as Evermore takes him down with a picture perfect dropkick.

Comeau: Now Axl making up for his mistake by closing Porno Lad’s mouth perhaps permanently.

Axl gets back to his feet as his partner rolls to the outside of the ring, resting on the apron as he recovers from that shocking bulldog. The person who delivered that very move is also suffering, his jaw perhaps cracked from that previous kick. Nevertheless he starts to get up only to be chopped across the sternum, kneed to the ribs and doubled over, put into perfect position for a running knee strike.

That’s exactly the move Axl goes for, only to have Porno Lad side step it at the last moment and turn his back to Evermore’s. They now find themselves spine to spine, both men fighting to take the other down into a back slide pinning predicament.

They realize how urgent the situation is, neither of their partners being of use should they need them to break up a pin.

Finally Porno Lad abandons the gamble, twisting around, grabbing Axl by the wrist and dragging him forward. This time Porno Lad’s move back fires as he’s caught around his own thigh and neck, Evermore flipping him over into an Exploder Suplex.

Mark: Big move by Axl, he could be on the verge of eliminating the self described hero.

Moore: If I were going to self describe myself, I’d call myself sweety, hehehehe.

Comeau: Has anyone ever barfed while commentating before?

Susie: I do when I’m on a diet.

Evermore finds himself chest to chest with the downed Porno Lad, going for the pinfall to a loud ruckus from the audience.

1

2

A mixed reaction is heard, the fans split between their hometown heroes and the team that just bested the Infection. Porno Lad’s wavy locks are taken into Evermore’s hands as he leads him over to a kneeling base. His face is forced to stare down at the canvas, leaving it entirely exposed for a series of upward kicks that connect directly to the bridge of the nose.

Evermore nails kick after kick to the already damaged skull of his opponent. It’s at this point that Katelyn hops to the apron, pleading for Axl not to make her former lover look like Sloth from the Goonies. Yet again her distraction proves beneficial, as Evermore takes his eye off of Porno Lad for just one second, and that second proves disastrous.

He launches his leg into the air for another kick only to have Porno Lad catch him by the ankle, stand up and connect with a dragon screw leg whip. Evermore is taken down to the canvas, Porno Lad standing up over him and actually going for a submission move?

Porno Lad is surprisingly going for a figure four leg lock, the very hold that forced Evermore to submit at Destiny. Axl is fighting against the submission for all he’s worth.

Comeau: Has Porno Lad discovered Axl’s Achilles Heel?

Susie: Isn’t it on the bottom of Evermore’s foot? That’s a horrible hiding place.

Axl twists from side to side, trying to log roll himself to his stomach and reverse the pressure. Porno Lad keeps him on his back as he still tries to figure out how this hold works and where he should position his legs. Axl’s squirming isn’t helping matters, leading Porno Lad to have to stand back up as he attempts to apply the hold from an upright base, which proves to be impossible.

Finally Evermore wedges his feet to Porno Lad’s chest and avails himself of the whole situation. He kicks Porno Lad off, sending the N.H.B Champion into a backwards flip. Shockingly the Prankster lands on his feet as Evermore comes charging in only to be caught with a deep spinning powerslam.

Axl is planted violently against the ring, Porno Lad on top for the pinfall.

1

2

Evermore kicks out to a loud reaction from the crowd. Porno Lad pouts by slapping his fist on the canvas then taking Axl’s bangs in his hair. He now begins to rifle off right hands repeatedly to Axl’s forehead, rattling his skull something awful.

That’s when the controversial champion stands up, extends his leg and drops it across Evermore’s throat. He now rolls back to his feet, stretches forth his leg and again plants it across Axl’s larynx. For a third time Porno Lad reaches his feet, puts out his thigh and plants it on Evermore’s face.

Moore: I think someone needs to smack Porno Lad on the back of his head, he’s skipping.

Mark: Porno Lad is not a juke box, Susie.

For a fourth time Porno Lad stands up, sticks out his leg and causes Evermore to cover his throat with his palms for perfection.

Porno Lad: HA! Fooled ya.

Instead of dropping the leg, Porno instead falls into an elbow drop. Unfortunately for him, Axl rolled out of the way, causing the Champion to meet nothing but canvas. He sits up rubbing at his elbow until Evermore steps in behind him, takes him around the neck and bridges him up to his feet into a dragon sleeper.

Instead of maintaining the hold, Axl lifts Porno into the air, going for a reverse suplex. Somehow his crafty opponent slips free, and lands across the front of his thighs atop Evermore’s shoulders. Before he can even go for a hurricarana Axl drops to his knees and plants Porno Lad’s outstretched body chest first into the canvas.

Comeau: These guys countering EVERYTHING they’re throwing at one another.

Moore: What if they threw bullets? I like to see them counter that, and if they could do it in a Matrix style that would be even cooler.

The fans are still amazed by that last series of counters and are given even more cause for celebration as Max gets the tag into this contest.

Porno Lad rises to a knee, glances at Katelyn for a second as she eagerly asks for a tag and ignores her with a dismissive wave of the palm. He stands up just as Craven enters beside him and performs a sweep kick that takes Porno’s legs right out from under him again. He tumbles to his back, leaving him in perfect position for a classic double team.

Evermore steps in as his partner lunges into the air, landing on his shoulders in a powerbomb position. With all his strength, Axl pushes up on the back of his partner’s legs and sends him flipping backwards into a moonsault. Somehow Porno Lad rolls out of the way, causing Craven to change up his move at the last second and instead land on his feet.

He has no idea that Craven has slipped between Evermore’s legs and is now kneeling behind him. That’s when Porno wedges his hands to Axl’s bum and shoves him forward right into Craven, the two bumping skulls. Their heads crack against one another as their bodies turn towards the enemy corner which Katelyn surprisingly comes flying off of.

She crashes right on top of Craven and Evermore with a high flying crossbody block. The fans are just as stunned as Sex & Violence, having no idea that Buehler had it in her.

Comeau: WOW!

Moore: I’m amazed by what I can do with my tongue too.

Even Porno Lad is incapable of wearing his shock on his sleeve. He actually smiles in Katelyn’s direction, which Buehler takes as a full on marriage proposal. She wipes away a tear as Porno Lad gives her a thumbs up then immediately points towards the corner.

Porno Lad: Now get the fuck out of the ring.

Buehler obeys, leaving Porno Lad to continue doing the lion’s share of this match. He goes back to work on the recovering duo before him, delivering shots to both men’s faces that bring them down to their knees. He now takes them both around their necks before falling back into a stereo DDT.

The skulls of Craven and Evermore bounce from the ring, their bodies flipping to their backs where they lay lifelessly. Oddly enough Porno sits up and after taking a quick glance at Katelyn, resigns himself to the possibility of making a tag. Although the risks are infinite he gets to his knees and tentatively begins to extend his hand. Although his brain is screaming “NO” his body has a mind of its own.

Buehler looks like she’s just won the Miss American contest as her former flame’s hand stretches out in her direction. She reaches out gleefully to make the tag before Porno Lad pulls his hand back and points to her face, laughing all the while.

Porno Lad: I can’t believe you fell for that, damn I’m GOOD!

All Katelyn can do is stew on the apron, and somehow she even manages to fuck that up. Right in the midst of Porno Lad’s amusement, Buehler was snatched from the apron by a likely suspect. She finds herself draped over the shoulder of Hurse like she were an expensive mink scarf. Her eyes are wide and she screams for Porno Lad’s help as Hurse carts her off to the backstage area.

He doesn’t even look back at the ring, his eyes emotionally devoid of any semblance of humanity.

Porno Lad: HEY! Where are you going? THAT’S MINE! Kinda.

Porno Lad rolls to the outside of the ring and gives hot pursuit, not taking kindly to his possessions being stolen from him.

Comeau: The emotionally stilted Hurse taking off with Katelyn Buehler, much like he did with Disco Ninja earlier, and Porno Lad is giving chase. Porno Lad get back in the ring, get back in there or you’ll be counted out!

Susie: Leave Katelyn, you don’t like her anyway. She’s told me so when we gab with our Styrofoam cups connected by the string.

The controversial Champion has seemingly forgotten about his participation in this whole overbooked affair. He chases Hurse and Buehler through the curtains to the backstage area, leaving the ring behind. The referee proceeds with his ten count, finally reaching the magic number then signaling for the bell, confirming that Porno Lad and Katelyn Buehler have been eliminated by means of a count-out.

Mark: Ah what a bullshit way for this elimination to go down. Porno Lad and Buehler, after just eliminating the Infection, have been counted out thanks in no small part to Hurse.

Moore: I only have small parts too, it’s why I had to have so much work done on my chest.

Mark: I’m sure a surgeon’s knife is the closest thing you have to a friend. But with this elimination, now Sex & Violence have advanced and they will do battle for the Tag Team Championships.

Inside of the ring Axl and Max glare at one another, unsure what just happened but shrugging nevertheless, embracing their good fortune.

Comeau: The final stage of this gauntlet match, Sex & Violence vs. Orlando Cruze & Johnny Kingdom, Tag Team Titles to be decided, it all comes to fruition right after this commercial break.

Moore: ARGH! Damn these station breaks. Their too intrusive, and they never advertise anything I’d buy.

Mark: Yes, I guess there are far too few condom and alcohol ads.

Susie: Exactly, thank God for those KY Jelly commercials at least.

Axl and Max begin to regain their facilities, preparing themselves for the hell ahead of them as the show takes another untimely commercial break

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Potty humor….is there no better type of humor?

GAUNTLET PART 5

Thankfully Max Craven and Axl Evermore are still relatively fresh as they wait for their all star opponents. Their previous bout with Porno Lad and Buehler not having lasted too long before Hurse’s interference.

Comeau: Sex & Violence still waiting for their opponents, the completely unstable duo of Johnny Kingdom and Orlando Cruze. Is this the team that will FINALLY take those straps off the champions?

Moore: SURE. Maybe, I don’t know the answer, I hate having choices.

The Sex & Violence members don’t have to wait long before “You Know My Name” erupts through the speakers. On cue the fans launch for their seats and their arms fly into the air, waving about excitedly. To the stage emerges the incomparable Icon in one of his farewell performances, and judging by the fire in his eye he doesn’t intend on going out on a bad note.

Comeau: Orlando showing up for this match, which may not be the smartest option considering what we saw Kingdom doing backstage moments ago, holding his pipe.

Moore: He’ll go blind doing that type of thing.

Mark: What? Ah disgusting. Anyhow, Orlando had better be weary of his partner, as he’s been throughout this ENTIRE forced association. But even the threat of a beat down with that steel pipe isn’t keeping the Icon from the ring tonight to defend the belts he’s held for almost a solid calendar year.

Orlando climbs the steps to the apron and gestures towards his screaming fans. Despite not having any title belts with him, Cruze oozes that championship aura. Unlike the previous team, Orlando extends his hand and shakes palms with both of his opponents, a sign of respect between warriors with a common interest.

Comeau: A classy act by Orlando and his opponents, all three of these guys have a unified interest in dismantling the Conspiracy….ummmm, wait, something is apparently going down backstage. Do we have a camera there?

Moore: We better, there’s like a million of them around here, there’s even one in my bathroom.

Mark: Oh, um, remind me to take that one down.

COMPROMISES

To a thunderous reaction from the audience, Johnny Kingdom’s face once again comes into view. That same smarmy grin on his face has only widened and his grip on the pipe has tightened, all for good reason. Into his sight comes Sallie. The tension between the two is palpable, reminiscent of a powder keg with the wick lit. Despite her diminutive size, she blocks the Team Leader from reaching the entrance tunnel.

Kingdom: Suddenly got a backbone do we? Well….

He glances at the pipe in his hand.

Johnny: That can be fixed. Hey, you’ll probably enjoy having your bed pan changed for the rest of your life.

Sallie: I’m sorry, Johnny.

It seems to Johnny that Sallie is speaking a foreign language.

Kingdom: What?

Obviously he’s unable to accept, nor does he even want to hear what was just said.

Sallie: I said, I’M SORRY.

She puts up her palms defensively, detecting the red hot flame burning in Kingdom’s body.

Johnny: Oh, you’re sorry? WOW!

He becomes gleeful, momentarily.

Kingdom: That fixes EVERYTHING! All is right with the world now. Democrats and Republicans are dancing together in the streets, Nathan Creed FINALLY went to a dentist, Jason Wheeler grew three inches taller so he can get on the big rides at the amusement park, and I’ve completely forgotten how you fucked me out of the World Championship at Destiny. Yep, your apology has completely turned back the hands of time and FIXED all the world’s wrongs.

Sallie: Okay Johnny, I deserved your sarcasm.

Johnny: That’s not half of what you deserve.

The pipe raises at his side, sending a clear cut warning.

Sallie: But someone who doesn’t deserve your wrath is Orlando. He’s innocent in all of this, Johnny. He had NOTHING to do with what happened at Destiny, or what’s happened to you since.

Kingdom: Oh PLEASE. Look at you, your still defending him from the big bad Kingdom. Deep down you know that Orlando is no more than a HYPOCRITE, and Creed is his complacent little puppet, doing whatever the Icon orders. When Orlando goes heel, Creed goes heel, when Cruze sees the light, so does Nathan, when Orlando tells Creed to lay me out, he hops right to it.

Sallie: First of all, Nathan did NOT attack you four weeks ago with THAT pipe.

She motions to the steel in the Team Leader’s grip.

Sallie: And Orlando did NOT cost you the World Championship on the last Riot! You’ve been led astray, Johnny.

Kingdom: I’m not some simpleton, Sallie. So stop wasting your breath and get out of my way. Me and my date here (raises pipe) are about to say hello to a few old friends. And if you don’t stop treating me like an idiot, I’ll introduce my little friend to you TOO.

Although normally such a warning would be enough to send Sallie scampering back to her hole, she remains steadfast in her resolve.

Sallie: Alright, if your not going to listen to reason, if you’ve been blinded to the Conspiracy’s plan to frame Nathan and Orlando, at least hear me out on this compromise.

Johnny is annoyed but opts to listen.

Sallie: If you hand me that pipe and go out to compete alongside Orlando, I’ll personally guarantee you a World Title match at Paranoia VI.

The annoyance is replaced with intrigue.

Johnny: And I’m just supposed to take your word for it? That’s not good enough for me.

Sallie: I’ve already got it in writing, all it takes is me signing the contract, which I’ll do if you can work with Orlando instead of trying to maim him.

Obviously Kingdom is contemplating his options, rearing back his head and exhaling.

Kingdom: Do you have any idea what you’re asking me to do? Besides the fact that beating up on Orlando is just plain FUN, he also deserves it after screwing me over time and time again.

Sallie: Johnny, dammit, I’m trying to make things right. I took a title opportunity away from you and now I’m giving you one back. So what’s it going to be? You gonna go out there and be the Conspiracy’s patsy, beat down Orlando for the umpteenth time and earn NOTHING for your troubles? Or are you going to hand over that pipe, stick it to the Conspiracy, and finally get your title match?

She outstretches her palms, motioning for the pipe. After deliberating on it for several moments, Kingdom places the steel pipe in her hands and walks towards the entry way. Although he suddenly feels the need to shower, Johnny has resolved himself to the fact that his decision was best for business.

GAUNTLET CONCLUSION

The show returns to the ring where Max and Axl are discussing strategy while Orlando limbers up in his corner. He’s perfectly fine with facing Sex & Violence completely on his own until…

WAKE UP

….blares through the PA system, launching the crowd to their feet. Cruze doesn’t know rather he should be thankful that his partner is coming out or have even MORE cause for concern. Despite his reservations, Kingdom emerges to the stage, a look of repulsion on his face. He moves towards the ring and finds his skin squirming as he locks eyes with his tag team partner. Orlando smirks slightly, realizing that Johnny isn’t bringing a pipe along with him.

Comeau: I don’t think Orlando knows about that backstage meeting between Kingdom and Sallie.

Moore: He should buy one of those portable televisions to keep track of EVERYTHING going on. I own one, it’s the only way I can sit at the commentator’s table and still watch Burt & Ernie.

Mark: I’m not sure what Orlando would think of what’s just happened, but I imagine he’ll be livid once he learns that Kingdom has been promised a World Title match. For now though, let’s just enjoy seeing these two legends work as a cohesive unit.

Kingdom tentatively climbs to the apron but stands in his team’s corner nevertheless. Orlando is stunned as Johnny grabs the tag rope, lifting it into the air and making sure everyone can see that he’s being a complacent teammate.

The bell now chimes in the background as Orlando backs towards the center of the ring, still keeping a speculative eye on his long time nemesis. That’s when Craven rushes in, grabs Orlando by the tights and pulls him over backwards into the school boy.

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Cruze kicks out, ALMOST losing the titles within seconds.

Comeau: Craven just snuck in the backdoor but he didn’t take the titles.

Moore: I’d just go through the doggy door, it’s more fun that way and nobody is expecting it.

Orlando has kicked out and dropped to his knee while the X-Class Champion gets up in front of him. Unfortunately for Craven his legs are swept out from under him and the Icon now sets for the sharpshooter.

Despite his shock Max twists and turns, trying to prevent being trapped in the hold. Much like Evermore moments ago, Max finds the proper counter to avoid being placed in the hold. He bends his knees, doubling Orlando over then begins to launch repeated right hands into his forehead.

The blows are disorientating the Icon, leaving him entirely exposed to be dragged down into the triangle choke by Craven. Before Max can fully apply the hold, Orlando flips forward, falling back first onto his opponent’s chest in a pinning predicament.

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Craven kicks out from beneath Orlando, rolling to his knees as the Icon stands up in front of him. Orlando charges in and goes for a running European Uppercut, but Max side steps it, swings around to Cruze’s opposite side, and flips him over into the arm drag.

A stunned Cruze rolls across the canvas, the World Champion rising to his feet in a huff. He charges at Max once again only to be caught with another deep arm drag, flipping him over to his backside. Craven ends up kneeling beside him, looking as if he’s going for an arm lock.

Instead Craven steps over Orlando, drops to his back and rolls Cruze into position for the triangle choke once again. This time though, Orlando frees his arm and grabs both of Max’s legs, employing all his strength to hoist the X-Class Champion into a powerbomb predicament.

He has no idea that Axl has entered the ring behind him and connects with a step up enzugari to the back of the Icon’s head. This allows Craven to flip Orlando over into a pinning hurricarana.

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Now Johnny illegally enters the ring, charges in and delivers a running knee strike directly to Craven’s face. Max is knocked over onto his back with Orlando sitting up, wedging his shoulders to the back of Craven’s knees for his own pinning predicament.

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Craven launches his shoulder from the ring, kicking out before the tag titles can slip from his grasp.

Mark: Kingdom already coming to Orlando’s aid, as shocking as that sounds.

Moore: As shocking as Burt and Ernie sharing the same bed?

Comeau: Give me that damn television, it’s just confusing you.

Orlando rolls to his elbows and knees, trying to get his head straight after that enzugari. Axl watches from the corner, pleading with Max to make a tag, anxiously dancing around on the apron. Cruze doesn’t allow for the possibility of a tag being made, instead he catches Craven with a hard right to the jaw.

Max falls back against the ropes after the jaw shattering right, before he’s pulled forward into an equally as devastating European Uppercut. The impact almost sends him flipping over the cables to the outside yet Orlando keeps him in the squared circle so he can nail another Euro Uppercut.

The shot dazes Max enough to be taken by the wrist and whipped across the ring. Craven charges into the opposite ropes, bounces off and comes back in at Orlando who catches his inbound opponent with a big back drop. The crowd is stunned by Craven’s hang-time, suspended in the air for several seconds until he finally crashes into the canvas.

Moore: I bet Max was so high in the air he could see my trailer.

An already shaken Cruze steps forward and hesitantly extends his hand towards Kingdom. Johnny stares down into the palm then up into the face of his partner, once again contemplating just how much the World Championship means to him. After a deep breathe Johnny makes the tag and enters the ring.

Orlando is vexed as to why Johnny made the tag so willingly. He even grabs him by the shoulder, spins him around and questions him about it. Johnny brushes Orlando off, the more he talks with the Icon the more he wants to welsh on his compromise with Sallie.

He approaches the rising Craven who has just gotten to his knees and delivers a sternum shattering chop right on his sternum. Max almost falls back, his arms swinging to keep himself upright. It’s at this point that Johnny takes both of his arms, forces him up to his feet and sets him up for what looks like the pedigree.

Max swings around out of the pedigree, turning towards Johnny then pulling him into a lariat. Kingdom ducks it, spins around, wedges his shoulder to Craven’s back and hoists him up into a brutal back drop suplex. The ring shakes from the impact of Craven’s body being driven against it so forcefully.

Johnny rolls to a knee and glares at Orlando, the Team Leader producing his cheesiest smile accompanied by a raised thumb. Such a display only leaves Orlando even more confused and unsettled.

Comeau: I think Kingdom may be overdoing it. But this just goes to show how IMPORTANT the World Championship is to the Team Leader.

Orlando continues to observe Johnny’s actions closely, becoming increasingly distrusting of his behavior.

The Team Leader’s actions in the ring prove that he can be TRUSTED though. He grabs Max’s hair, pulls him over to his knees and hooks both of his opponent’s arms. Knees are launched straight up into his chest and face, one after the other. That’s until Kingdom breaks the double arm lock, steps to Max’s side and charges in with a picture perfect boot square to the temple.

Craven flips over to his side, falling to his back with fluttering eyes. He stares towards the heavens just long enough to see Kingdom’s knee coming down directly into his face. The kneepad is driven with great force into the skull.

Comeau: The Tag Team Champions now taking control over Craven, at this point it may be academic that they’ll retain their titles.

Moore: Academic? Do we have to go to school? REALLY? Can’t I just hang out behind the gym pretending to smoke cigarettes like one of those cool kids?

Kingdom drags Max along to his feet and wraps his arms around his waist, applying almost a version of the bearhug on his smaller opponent. The quick thinking Craven realizes how urgent the situation is, prompting to deliver repeated double axehandles to the upper back.

Johnny is brought to a knee before he stands right back up and begins to power the X-Class Champion backwards into the turnbuckle. He has no idea that Craven has placed him in a front chancery and has extended his feet behind him, pressing them to the cables. He steps up them and counters Kingdom’s attempted ram against the turnbuckle into a big tornado DDT.

Kingdom is slammed violently head first against the ring, knocking him over onto his back while Craven’s damaged body rolls towards his corner. He makes the tag to Evermore, bringing in the fresher of the two. Axl quickly springs to the top rope and comes flying off with a diving headbunt. It connects right against Johnny’s sternum, causing him to convulse in pain.

Comeau: Evermore brought in and he’s immediately going to work with that high flying headbunt.

Susie: How come he gets cheers when he hits his head against things, yet when I do it I have to wear a protective football helmet for the first ten years of my life?

A recovered Max uses the ropes to aid himself to his feet before charging at his partner. Axl catches Max with a hip toss that sends him into a flipping leg drop, connecting right across Kingdom’s throat. The moment Max clears out of the way, Axl cartwheels across the canvas before back flipping into a moonsault. He crashes down right on top of Johnny and then hooks his leg for the three count.

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The Team Leader kicks out, continuing to keep the belts in his possession, as per the agreement he made with Sallie. Orlando is stunned that Johnny actually kicked out, thinking he would take the pinfall in order to prevent ever having to team alongside him again.

Kingdom continues to be a conundrum to his partner though, actually putting up as much of a fight as humanly possible against this well oiled machine of Sex & Violence. Max vacates the ring while Evermore lays into the Team Leader’s chest with repeated stomps.

The hailstorm of boots continues with Kingdom desperately trying to cover up to no avail. Finally Axl stops with the kick long enough to tag his partner back in. Max enters the ring then he and his partner quickly pull the dazed Kingdom to his feet. They take both of his wrists and whip him across the ring into the cables before doubling over for a double back drop.

As Kingdom comes charging back in he puts a kibosh on their plans, stopping short of both men. He boots Evermore to the chin, causing him to stand upright then takes Max around the neck, forcing his head under his seat in a powerbomb predicament.

However, it’s at this point that Evermore launches himself forward into a bicycle kick that connects right on the button. Johnny’s face is engulfed by the boot, his body being knocked to the canvas with Craven flipping forward into the jackknife cover.

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Much to Orlando’s surprise, Kingdom launches his shoulder from the canvas yet again.

Mark: Sex & Violence truly putting these hall of famers to the test. 2008’s Tag Team of the Year really want those belts to solidify that they are the best tandem in the IWC today.

Moore: Why don’t they just buy one of those tandem bikes then? Sure it’ll make them look incredibly gay, but I like men in biker shorts.

Craven rolls off of Kingdom and grabs his arm in the process. He pulls Johnny over onto his knees standing at his side while Evermore steps in, grabbing Kingdom’s other arm and standing opposed to his partner. Both men rifle off with simultaneous buzzsaw kicks to Johnny’s sternum, almost caving in his chest in the process.

That’s when Axl drops to a kneeling base in front of his opposition while Max rushes into the cables. Craven bounces from the ropes and then lunges forward, grabbing the back of Kingdom’s head and bringing him down with a face buster into the raised knee-cap of Evermore.

Kingdom’s skull cracks off of the knee before he falls to his back, palming his features from the trauma. Finally official Wright, who definitely is earning his paycheck here tonight, forces Evermore out of the ring. Axl doesn’t remain in his corner for long before he gets tagged right back into the match.

Craven and Evermore continue to keep this match too fast paced for Kingdom to keep up with. They grab him by both wrists once again and deliver simultaneous knife edge chops to his sternum before whipping him off once again into the ropes. Johnny bounces off of the cables, coming back in at Axl and Max who catch him with a double hip toss.

He comes down right on top of their raised knees, transitioning the move into a stereo back breaker. A roar emits from Kingdom, who is stood up before Craven takes him around the neck, swings his hips and falls into a hangman neckbeaker.

The back of the Team Leader’s head crashes against the canvas, causing him to pop up onto his seat looking glassy eyed. Axl then comes barreling in, dropping into a sliding lariat to the throat. Kingdom is knocked to his back as a result with Evermore floating over into the pin.

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Kingdom kicks out, resulting in a loud reaction from the crowd. This prompts Evermore to waste little time as he approaches his corner and tags Max back into the match. Craven quickly springs to the top rope with Evermore taking him by the thigh and the chest then launching him across the ring into a big splash.

Craven lands right on top of Kingdom and hooks his leg for the pinfall.

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Once again Orlando is floored by Johnny’s kick out.

Comeau: Sex & Violence making repeated tags and pulling off some stunning offense that just has Kingdom completely grounded.

The pace only quickens as Craven steps to his corner and makes another tag, bringing Axl right back into the match. Evermore remains in the corner though as Kingdom is dragged to his feet and kneed to the ribs, doubling him over forward. He’s now launched straight at Evermore who catches his opponent by hooking his arms and hoisting him up for the Flipside.

Somehow Johnny is able to float over though, only to find his back arched over Axl’s shoulder. Evermore has caught the Team Leader and is holding him in position for a dominator. He shouts for Craven to complete their tag team move, the X-Class Champion promptly rushing at the nearby cables and lunging to the top rope.

He springs off the ropes and then twists in mid-air, going for a leg drop to Johnny’s throat. Kingdom sits up on Axl’s shoulder though, causing Max to land posterior first on the canvas to devastating affects. Its at this point that Johnny slips off of Axl’s shoulder and lands right behind his back.

Evermore is now spun around and hoisted into the air, being held across Kingdom’s chest. The dazed Kingdom now has Axl trapped in a fallaway slam position, spinning around so that Evermore’s shins nail the seated Max right in his face.

Then with all of Kingdom’s strength he throws the technical wizard into the air, catching him across his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. To the screams of the packed Manhattan Center audience Johnny whips Axl around into a TKO, dropping him directly on top of Craven’s chest.

Mark: OHHH! What offense from the Team Leader, taking out both Sex & Violence in one fatal swoop.

Moore: He just killed two birds with one stone, although anyone who kills birds should be catapulted into the sun.

Evermore and Craven writhe on the canvas, holding their damaged anatomy while their opponent desperately makes his way towards his corner. Johnny realizes that a tag is necessary, despite all of the disgust it causes him.

Orlando looks incredibly bothered as Kingdom’s hand extends in his direction, looking for a tag. The crowd is begging him to slap his partner’s hand, the Icon gauging their reaction. Finally he throws aside his inhibitions and slaps the palm of the Team Leader, bringing the fans to their feet.

Cruze pushes Johnny aside and moves towards their opponents. As Kingdom finds himself seated on the canvas he bites his lower lips, his hands trembling as they form fists, enraged that Orlando put his hands on him but realizing there’s nothing he can do about it.

Orlando steps over the stooped forward Evermore, catching him by the neck and forcing his head under his seat. He hoists Axl into the air then drops to his knees as he powerbombs him back first right across Max’s stomach. All the air is knocked out of Craven’s body as he curls into a fetal position.

Comeau: Orlando made the tag and he’s re-entered this match in a big way.

Moore: That move was almost as big as his head.

A damaged Evermore rolls across the canvas holding his ribs while his partner continues to feel Cruze’s wrath. Orlando grabs Max’s ankle, uses it to roll him backwards and brings him to his feet. The X-Class Champion is only upright for a moment until Cruze connects with a roaring European Uppercut.

The blow knocks Max off of his feet and sends him flying backwards into the ropes. Craven spills through the cables and to the outside mats amongst screams from his hometown crowd.

As Evermore gets to his feet he shakes off the affects of the powerbomb and lunges at the distracted Orlando, going for a bicycle kick. Orlando ducks the inbound boot, forcing Evermore to spin around right into another roaring European Uppercut.

The blow sends Axl spiraling across the ring, walking right into a roaring elbow from the Team Leader. The point of the elbow connects right against Axl’s eye and knocks him to the canvas. Orlando promptly charges in and drops into the lateral press.

Comeau: This could be all she wrote.

Moore: I hate Angela Lansbury, she’s too British.

The Icon has Axl covered with the fans screaming, some hoping he’s pinned, others rallied behind their hometown hero.

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Axl kicks out, preventing elimination by a mere fraction of a second. A flustered Cruze glares at the Team Leader, who is mumbling obscenities beneath his breath.

Kingdom: I knew I should have went for the cover.

Behind Kingdom’s back, Max is springing to the top rope, going for a high flying move. Johnny catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye, prompting him to turn and charge at his wildly opponent. Craven flies right over his head, traveling towards Orlando only to be caught across the sternum.

The X-Class Champion drops to his feet trapped in position for the Rock Bottom. The fans are buzzing as Orlando hoists Max up into the air for the Rock Bottom. That’s when the Sex & Violence member squirms free, twisting around in mid-air and landing on his feet behind Cruze.

He now lunges into the air and connects with a big knee strike to the back of Orlando’s head, sending him staggering towards the Team Leader. Johnny turns and catches the inbound Orlando by his skull, side stepping him and then pitching him through the cables.

Johnny grits his teeth, wondering rather he just broke the stipulation of his guaranteed World Title match. Nevertheless, he turns back towards his opponent only to walk into a corkscrew kick that nails him directly to the face. An astonished Team Leader is knocked to his back where he convulses in pain.

Somehow he begins to turn to his side, trying to get to his feet. He gets one foot on the canvas before Axl charges up beside him and steps off of his raised knee, delivering a shinning kick right to the Team Leader’s temple. The crowd screams as Johnny is knocked to his back, Evermore crawling into the pin.

Comeau: Sex & Violence may be on the verge of winning those tag team titles after two brutal kicks! New Champs about to be crowned. But is Kingdom the legal man?

Moore: I have a crown too, it was given to me along with my kid’s meal at Burger King.

Kingdom’s eyes have rolled to the back of his head as Evermore continues to hook both of his legs for the pin. The fans are on their feet, chanting along with the count.

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NO! Yet again Kingdom shocks everyone in the building by means of kicking out of the pinfall.

Mark: NO! Kingdom and Cruze STILL the champions for the time being.

Moore: This is so exciting, my nipples could break diamonds right now.

Evermore stands up and tries to pull Kingdom to his feet only to have Orlando enter the ring and deliver a running kick straight to Axl’s temple. The blow knocks Axl to the canvas while the Icon rushes at a rising Max, going for a clothesline. Craven drops into a baseball slide, avoiding the inbound arm of his opponent.

Craven now lunges to his feet and goes for a superkick only to have Cruze catch his inbound foot right before it could nail him to the jaw. He pushes it away and sends Craven into a vicious spinning heel kick that catches him right under the jaw. The blow knocks Orlando into a spin, turning to face a recovered Axl who boots him to the ribs, hooks both arms and hoists him into the Flipside.

Orlando is driven violently spine first into the ring with one of Axl’s devastating finishing moves. He now scrambles into the cover amongst a raucous reaction from the Manhattan audience.

Mark: The FLIPSIDE!

Wright drops to the canvas, making the count while the fans are swept up into the madness.

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Comeau: New Champions about to be crowned!

3!

New Champs, new champs….NO!....Cruze got his shoulder up just a fraction of a second before the three count.

Mark: But Orlando kicks out! My stars what a tag team match between Sex & Violence and the Champions.

Susie: And here I thought my nipples couldn’t get any harder. This is as exciting as a free donkey ride.

The Manhattan Center’s pumped crowd is split right down the middle, some cheering for the Icon and the Team Leader, the others in solid support of Sex & Violence. Max and Axl seem to be feeding off of this raw emotion as they drag Orlando up to his feet. They now proceed to deliver right hands in synchronism to his jaw.

They mirror one another’s gyrations as they go for the third and final blow only to have Orlando duck their inbound fists. He ends up standing side by side with a recovered Kingdom, the pear waiting for Sex & Violence to spin towards them.

As Max and Axl turn around, Kingdom and Cruze spin around into a roaring elbow, roaring European Uppercut at the same time. Somehow Max and Axl side step their inbound opponents. Kingdom turns and falls back first against the ropes while Craven charges in and lunges into the air. He lands on Johnny’s shoulders, spins him around and hurricaranas him over the top rope. Unfortunately for Craven, he goes right over alongside his opponent, both men spilling to the mats.

Orlando on the other hand has turned right into a boot to the ribs followed by the Fully Loaded stunner. The reaction is damn near deafening, the rafters shaking as Orlando tumbles to the ring with Evermore going for the lateral press.

Mark: STUNNER, STUNNER by Axl. That’s got to be it, that’s got to be it!

Evermore shouts for the official to make the count, Wright dropping down and slapping the canvas.

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3!!

The crowd is so enlivened they almost soil themselves. Finally the title reign of Orlando Cruze and Johnny Kingdom has ended and 2008’s Tag Team of the Year has been…..hold that though, Wright has jumped in front of Axl informing him that Orlando got his shoulder up right before the three count.

Comeau: WHAT!?! Orlando kicked out?

Susie: I feel like I just snorted a hundred pixy sticks, which by the way, gives you a hell of a headache, and numerous nose bleeds.

Mark: This match…..this match….is STILL going.

Axl looks like he’s been stabbed directly to his heart, unable to believe that Orlando kicked out of his stunner. That doesn’t stop him from leading Cruze up to his feet and going for a SECOND stunner, this one surely finishing off the Icon. Unfortunately right before he can hit the move Cruze shoves him off, showing that he still has some braincells left.

Evermore ends up in the center of the ring, turning around and charging at his groggy opponent only to be caught with a drop toe hold. Axl tumbles to his stomach with Orlando jumping on his back, pulling him up and going for the MMA elbows.

Comeau: Here come the ELBOWS! This will have to end it.

Before Orlando can hit even one elbow, Axl slips between his legs, ending up behind the Icon and then ripping his feet out from under him. Cruze crashes to his chest and stomach with Evermore rushing into the cables in front of him. He bounces off of the ropes, building great momentum as he charges right into a disaster. Orlando stands, catches Evermore across his chest and heaves him into the Rock Bottom.

Mark: ROCK BOTTOM!

The fans are absolutely shocked as Orlando delivers the patented move then slides across the canvas behind a seated Evermore. Axl is unable to keep from being drilled to the skull with the elbows. The elbow points nail the Sex & Violence member to his temple. The elbow connects over and over and over again, leaving Evermore almost brain dead before he finally slips into unconsciousness.

Official Wright turns and motions for the bell, inferring that Evermore has been KO’ed!

Mark: It’s over, it’s over, Orlando rendering Axl unconscious with the elbows. Somehow Kingdom and Cruze have retained their tag team titles yet again in one of the most hellacious tag bouts I’ve ever witnessed.

Moore: I wish I had seen it, but Ernie was showing off his bottle cap collection so I was distracted.

Orlando falls to his back, absolutely exhausted after this GRUELING title bout. The crowd is standing in shock over this victory for the team of Cruze and Kingdom, sure that on several occasions the belts were going home with Sex & Violence.

Somehow the hall of famers survived the onslaught and prevailed with the belts STILL in their possession. Craven watches on from the apron, leaning against it and looking bothered by what just went down. Despite it all he tries to keep his grin.

Mark: Max and Axl almost had the titles won on a number of occasions, they had momentum on their side for the most part, but tonight was just not their night.

Susie: They can still do something funny. Come on fellas, free body shots for EVERYONE!

Comeau: I’ll pass thanks.

Evermore rolls across the canvas towards his corner, holding his skull which seems to be throbbing with pain from those elbows. Craven assists his wounded partner from the ring, the two moving towards the ramp with the crowd cheering their names, giving them a standing ovation for their performance this evening.

However, attention now shifts to a smiling Kingdom, who actually has BOTH tag titles in hand, having been kept with the time keeper considering neither Johnny nor Orlando wanted to wear them to the ring. But now, Kingdom seemingly can’t get enough of the titles, especially as he enters the ring and bestows one of them unto the seated Orlando.

The Championship is left dangling in the air in front of Orlando, who gazes into the belt then suspiciously looks up into Johnny’s face, unsure what to think.

Kingdom: Here you go, Champ.

The smile on Johnny’s face is the polar opposite of reassuring, it makes Orlando feel like he’s sitting in a bathtub full of ice.

Comeau: Johnny holding the title out to Orlando, he must REALLY want that title match.

Moore: He wants it as bad as I want a lifetime supply of pixy sticks. You know I use to snort….

Mark: Yes, we’ve went over that already.

Orlando finally takes the belt out of Johnny’s hand and throws it over his shoulder. The Team Leader keeps his palm open and thrust out in Cruze’s direction, but Orlando will not stoop as low as to grab it. Instead he rises to his feet of his own accord, muscles aching and sweat streaming down his body.

Now their eyes interlock, Orlando continuing to try and make sense out of Johnny’s behavior. The grin on Kingdom’s face only widens, amused that Cruze has no idea that he’s gotten himself a title match. Finally Orlando decides he’s had enough of this whole affair and waiting on Kingdom to double cross him, therefore he hauls off and slaps the Team Leader right in the cheek.

Orlando: If your going to do it, do it ALREADY!

Orlando looks truly fierce, waiting for Kingdom to respond.

Mark: Obviously Orlando not buying Kingdom’s new attitude, and he has good cause not to. If only he knew Johnny was FORCED to comply if he wants another title shot.

Strangely the smile is STILL on Kingdom’s face, his bright teeth glimmering from Orlando’s bald scap as he turns to face him.

Cruze: Do it already, Cruze. Come on and do it!

The Icon points to his face, seemingly begging Johnny to unload on him and get I over with. Instead of throwing a fist Johnny merely spouts off with words.

Kingdom: Well, the match is over, I guess I held up my end of the bargain.

The strap is dropped from Johnny’s hand just like he drops the act. There’s now nothing stopping him from throwing a right into Orlando’s jaw that connects. Cruze takes satisfaction by responding with his own shot, the two brawling into of celebrating their victory.

Mark: Ah come on guys, you just won! There’s no point for this!

Moore: Yes there is, it’s fun, and that’s all that matters.

The crowd is again screaming as the two exchange blows with one another, really unleashing their pint up hostilities. Cruze gets revenge for all the attacks Kingdom has perpetuated against him for weeks, and Kingdom dishes out payback for the perceived screwjob he believes Orlando orchestrated against him.

Their fists only stop flying when a disgusting voice enters their ears.

Douglas: Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, PLEASE!

To resounding negativity Douglas steps onto the stage. He’s treated like a pedophile amongst a group of tough prison inmates, yet there’s a strange smugness to his demeanor.

Dan: I hate to interrupt this utterly fantastic fist fight, but I’m afraid your little brawl has come too early. See, when I originally pulled Savior and Wheeler from this gauntlet I had to call in a replacement team, and it would be morally reprehensible of me not to let them compete now. So since I’M still in charge around here, I’m going to let them compete.

Mark: WHAT!?!

Moore: HE SAID HE’S LETTING ANOTHER TEAM COMPETE!

Comeau: I’m not deaf, it was a rhetorical exclamation.

Johnny and Orlando stand with fists still clinched and their eyes brimming with rage. They force themselves to listen instead of unleashing their pint up rage.

Dan: Therefore, you still have ONE MORE team to go through, my private security force members Tito and, ummm, erm Miguel!

He steps away from the curtains and claps as two figures dressed in full riot gear storm to the stage. The security force members nod in Dan’s direction and start towards the ring. Blond hair pokes out from beneath one of their helmets.

Mark: Huh? Dan sending two of his security guards out here to challenge for the belts? He must be really desperate to get back those belts, or he must have lost his mind.

Moore: Both options just sound darling!

Tito and Miguel hop to the apron and intimidate the Tag Champions by pointing at them with their clubs. Somehow Cruze and Kingdom must put aside their anger and work together one last time, this realization setting in upon them. As much as they hate to admit it, they must now fight others instead of one another.

Comeau: It’s going to be a whole hell of a lot harder for these two to team up, thankfully they don’t look to have much in the way of competition.

Moore: We should challenge for the tag titles next.

With a deep breathe Kingdom and Cruze shrug in one another’s directions then rush at their opponents. They take both security guards under their armpits and hip toss them into the ring. They crash across their backs, but the bullet proof vests wrapped around their body cushions the blow.

As Tito and Miguel get to their feet they make sure their protective visors are lowered to shield their faces. The angry Icon and Team Leader stare at one another then down at their fists, listening to the confident cackles of their opponents. Obvious the security guards are proud that they’ve taken away any possibility of shots to the head thanks to their hard helmets.

Unfortunately they forgot to properly shield another region, the Icon and the Team Leader delivering simultaneous kicks to Tito’s and Miguel’s testicles.

Mark: Oh, hahaha. Kingdom and Cruze improvising.

Susie: They have good problem solving skills.

The guards double over, their hands cupping their genitals but it does nothing to alleviate the pain. Kingdom now delivers a kick to Tito’s chest, knocking him to his back while Orlando whips Miguel into a turnbuckle. The referee is not only bending the rules to allow this farce to continue he’s absolutely shattering them then urinating on the broken remnants.

Orlando rushes into a corner and nails a clothesline to the prone Miguel’s body. He then clears out of the way as Kingdom whips Tito right into his own partner. Both men end up stacked against one another in the corner, Kingdom being taken by the wrist and whipped directly at them. He and Orlando shockingly put their egos aside long enough for some rare teamwork, which pays off in dividends as Johnny lunges into the air and splashes both men in the corner.

Comeau: Look at these two go. They want to eliminate Dan’s security force and stick it to Douglas’ so badly that they’re putting aside their long rivalry.

Kingdom bounces off the protective armor, but even that blow could be felt beneath it by his two intended victims. The tired Johnny takes Tito by his wrist, whipping out of the corner right into the waiting arm of Orlando. He shoots it across Tito’s chest, going for the Rock Bottom only to be surprisingly COUNTERED.

The guard delivers a back elbow to the skull of the exhausted Orlando, giving him an extreme migraine. He’s doubled over, and placed in a front chancery, the guard snapping back into a crisp DDT.

Cruze bounces from the canvas to the shocked delight of his partner. Kingdom grins only slightly, amused that Cruze was taken down by a lowly security drone. He has no idea that Miguel has gotten to the second rope behind him and now flies off. He catches Kingdom by the back of the head and drives his winded body face first into the canvas with a bulldog.

Mark: How in the?

Moore: Douglas must have given his guards some type of miracle steroid backstage. The same type of riods they gave Mighty Mouse.

A winded Kingdom rolls to his back while Miguel jumps over his body and lunges to the middle cable beside him. He springs off, twists in mid-air and lands leg first right across the Team Leader’s throat. Kingdom’s body flies off the canvas as a result, Miguel turning into a lateral press.

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2

Johnny gets his arm up just in time, stunned just like the audience over Miguel’s surprising array of maneuvers.

Tito drags Orlando up to his feet and almost bloodies his chest with a chop. After the physical encounter with Sex & Violence, Orlando finds himself almost going over like chopped timber. He somehow catches his footing only for Tito to deliver a jumping, spinning back kick that connects right on the jaw.

Comeau: Now look at that move from Tito! Douglas may have lightening in a bottle here, as much as I hate to admit it?

Susie: So Douglas secretly moonlights as Benjamin Franklin? Interesting.

Orlando falls backwards and through the ropes, eventually landing feet first on the mats. He backs towards the barricade all discombobulated. Yet even with his body so engulfed in pain, bringing him to the point of delirium, he’s able to spot Tito flying out off of the apron.

This gives him enough time to side step Tito, catch him by the back of the head and push him along shoulder first directly into he barricade. Tito bounces violently off of the steel while in the ring Miguel is making surprisingly quick work of an already injured Team Leader.

He has Kingdom around the neck before dropping back into a thunderous downward spiral. Johnny’s face is planted against the canvas, sending him rolling to his back in perfect pining predicament.

Wright has no other alternative but to drop down and make the three count to screams from an absolutely stunned audience.

Comeau: This is unbelievable, Tito and Miguel on the verge of winning the Tag Team Titles! This would have to be the most monumental upset of all times!

Moore: It be a greater upset than Rudy. That movie SUCKED.

Miguel has the leg hooked with Wright sadly slapping the canvas.

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2

Johnny kicks out, retaining the titles and sending the crowd into a deafening uproar. Miguel sits up and although his face is hidden beneath his tinted face plate, one can tell he’s in shock. Obviously Kingdom won’t go down as easily as he thought, prompting him to stand and approach the corner.

He steps towards the ropes, jumps to the middle cable then lunges to the top before flipping backwards into the double jump moonsault. His padded body crashes violently into the ring, having missed Kingdom entirely.

On the outside of the ring Orlando and Tito are still going at it. Cruze walks in to pick up on the weakened shoulder only to have fingers dug into his eyes. The eye rake blinds Orlando enough to be grabbed by the wrist and whipped towards the steel steps.

Somehow Cruze reverses that whip and sends Tito charging into the steps instead. At the last second though Tito hops into the air, lands on the steps and then turns around to face his shocked opponent. Cruze charges at him only to have Tito leap frog his opponent then slide into the ring.

Orlando jumps to the apron only to be dropkicked off by the talented and athletic Tito. The blow knocks Orlando from the ring to his feet on the mats. Tito now takes a moment to employ a Greco Roman-esque pose. His showboating proves to be detrimental when he’s spun around by Kingdom and hit with an uppercut shot.

Somehow Kingdom’s fist snuck under the face plate and caught the guard right to his jaw. Tito is knocked to the canvas where Kingdom begins to stomp him repeatedly.

Comeau: I’m shocked by the fight Tito and Miguel have put in but it’s all over now.

Susie: They may have that whole Darth Vader look going, but it totally doesn’t work on them.

Kingdom continues with the stomps, having no idea that Miguel is stumbling up behind him. He grabs Kingdom around the neck at this point and delivers a headbunt to the back of his skull. The helmet connects to Johnny’s cranium with enough force to be truly brain damaging.

Johnny falls to his knees, with the crowd grimacing in concern over his condition. Miguel turns away from one victim to another, Orlando entering the ring in a weakened, frail state. He steps in to lay him out with a punch only to be caught by the belt and pulled down into the ropes

Miguel spills to the apron but keeps from going all the way out. He gets to his feet with the aid of the ropes only for Kingdom to come diving through those very cables into a spear. He takes Miguel right off the apron, both men crashing to the mats amongst a massive pop.

Comeau: WOW! Kingdom spearing Miguel right off that apron, putting his own body through hell to do so.

Inside of the ring Tito is trying to get up as is Orlando, the two struggling to reach their feet. Their exhausted bodies work their way upward while the referee is outside checking on Kingdom’s condition. He has no earthly idea that Pat Evans has suddenly entered the ring, standing up with steel chain wrapped around his fist.

Comeau: NO! Pat Evans is now out here and we all know what his marching orders are. Get back in their ref.

Moore: What he said. God this job gets easier and easier.

Evans slips right into the ring undetected but finds himself troubled as he first looks at Orlando, then at the recovering Tito. He gently bats the chain against his fist, almost looking confused, as if both targets are tempting him.

Mark: What’s he hesitating for, we all know why he’s here.

Finally after a deep breath Evans lays out the Icon, chained knuckles connecting right between Cruze’s eyes. Evans looks as if he regrets his decision upon exiting the ring, leaving Orlando rolling in circles gripping at his face. The pain actually brings Orlando to stand up, his body actually feeding off of it until he takes a vicious spear right to the ribs from Tito.

Mark: You’ve got to be joking me.

Moore: Do I insert a punch like here.

Comeau: I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on here and it’s nothing short of a highway robbery.

A remorseful Evans watches as Tito hooks Orlando’s leg, going for the pinfall. Wright is finally forced away from the battered men on the outside of the ring and prompted to slide inside the squared circle where he makes the count.

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The crowd is screaming in both horror and rage.

3!

If security guards weren’t in place the fans would start a full on riot over the way Orlando and Johnny just lost the titles.

Comeau: And I am beyond sickened.

Moore: Maybe your pregnant.

Mark: Johnny Kingdom and Orlando Cruze have just lost the Tag Team Titles to Douglas’ hand picked security guards, and we all know who are under those masks.

In arrogance Tito stands up in the ring and grabs his visor, pulling it back to reveal the face of Christian Savior. An aching Miguel slides in behind him and removes his helmet as well, showing that he is indeed Jason Wheeler. The Manhattan Center didn’t need more reason to be upset but now they’ve been given even more.

Comeau: I can’t believe the Conspiracy duped us again.

Moore: So Christian and Jason are security guards too? Does everyone have two jobs around here but me?

The Tag Team titles are fetched by Wright as he regrettably hands them off to Savior and Wheeler. They laugh their way straight to the bank, toasting one another with their newly won championship belts. The crowd wants to do nothing short of lynch the duo in the ring the more they cackle and celebrate their win.

Mark: This is not how I had this envisioned. Look what it took to get those belts off of Cruze and Kingdom, bitter rivals. Savior and Wheeler had to dress up and sneak their way to victory. This is just TOO much.

Moore: Or not enough….oh, sorry, thought we were doing obscure song lyrics.

Wheeler wraps his arm around his brother’s neck, pulling him in close as they continue to hold their newly won belts aloft. An exasperated Team Leader, body feeling it was just drained by a vampire, forces himself upright, staring into the ring in disbelief.

His partner, Orlando shares the sentiment, the one thing they’ve ever had in common. Although barely conscious, his brain functioning about as well as a reanimated zombie, he still realizes what’s happened to him. Through fluttering eyes the Icon watches two of his greatest IWC rivals celebrating with the belts he and Kingdom spent a year defending.

Another individual who takes little solace in their victory is Pat Evans, who watches through judgmental eyes on the outside of the ring.

IN STONE

Suddenly “Gone Forever” hits the PA system and the celebration is deservingly ruined. The wrongfully celebratory champions glare heinously at the entry way in expectance of the foul shrews.

Comeau: The new co-owners of the IWC coming out here, and hopefully it’s because they’re about to reverse this decision.

Moore: Do they have time travel abilities? I’d like to go back to the prom and undo that whole horrible cow’s blood incident.

Mark: That’s Carrie, once again your mind is blending reality with fiction.

Susie: Yeah, but one is far more fun than the other.

Finally the fans are given a glimmer of hope as both Krissie McMorris and Sallie step to the stage, once again gripping microphones. They look almost saddened by what they’re seeing. Such depression brings joy to the Infection, enticing them to raise their titles even higher. Evans continues to cloud his emotions at ringside.

Sallie: I guess we got to hand it to you gentlemen, somehow you found a way to cheat your ways to prosperity yet again.

Wheeler: Oh we’re prospering alright.

Jason’s confidence soars higher than a vulture hovering over wounded prey.

Sallie: I bet you are handsome, but you better enjoy this buzz while it lasts.

Krissie: Because the good times don’t last forever.

Sallie: And we’re just about to remind you of that.

A chuckling Christian drops his belt over his shoulder and tries to hide his amusement.

Savior: Go ahead, do your worse, but your efforts are trivial, LADIES. There’s nothing you can do to stop us. And that’s exactly what we just demonstrated.

The Rising Phoenix motions between himself and the Black Cat.

McMorris: It sounds to me like your drawing a line in the sand, Christian, and we have no problem crossing it.

Sallie: You want to know how FAR we’ll go? You really want to test us on our first night as official co-owners of the IWC? Fine, we’ll rise to the occasion.

Krissie: In fact we already have, because we just so happen to be coming out here to reveal the main event for Paranoia.

All the color is flushed from Christian’s face, leaving it as pale as a nurse’s shoes.

Sallie: I think EVERYONE will love it, especially you Christian.

Wheeler whispers into Savior’s ear, trying to buck him up and make him take it like a man.

Sallie: I’m sure BOTH Orlando and Johnny will take equal satisfaction in our decision as well. Because the two of them WILL get their shot at the World Heavyweight Title, they WILL get their hands on the two of you, and they WILL get a few cracks at Douglas TOO….

McMorris: All inside of the steel cage boys.

Sallie: For the FIRST TIME in the history of Paranoia, Christian Savior will team alongside Jason Wheeler, Pat Evans, and Dan Douglas to take on Nathan Creed, Johnny Kingdom and Orlando CRUZE!

The crowd is absolutely rabid with excitement and slight confusion.

Krissie: It’s going to be a WAR GAMES match for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Mark: WOW!

Moore: WOWZERS! See my wows are better because they sound more like Velma.

Comeau: What a GIGANTIC main event just booked for Paranoia VI!

The fans continue to support the ideal of the Conspiracy locked inside of a cage with their greatest of rivals. Unfortunately, Kingdom and Orlando once again share something in common, discomfort. Although they too are enlivened at the ideal of going to war with the Conspiracy where their rivals will have no place to run, they realize it will involve depending on one another, something they’ve NEVER been amendable to.

Inside of the ring Christian looks as if he’s been filled with helium and someone’s on the verge of lighting a spark, sending him into an implosion of rage. Wheeler doesn’t look particularly happy with the match announcement either, but a funny type of grin is evident on his face. For once, the Black Cat and the Technical Tyrant, Evans, have similar expressions and reactions to this controversial booking.

McMorris: War Games, The Conspiracy versus their greatest rivals, World Championship on the line, all taking place at Paranoia VI, the night where the conspiracy ends!

Sallie: But we’re not through yet.

The faces of those in the ring fall as still as petrified wood, wondering what more the ladies have planned for them.

Sallie: Referee Stuart Wright….

The confused official motions to himself in the corner of the ring.

Sallie: Your services are no longer needed, you can hit the road.

Wright shrugs, not needing to be told twice as he vacates the ring.

Sallie: And the REST of you can leave the ring too, because you’re all BARRED from ringside.

Krissie: Except for you Evans, you stay exactly where you are.

A confused Pat stops in mid-step, raising his chained fist into the air and wondering why he’s been singled out.

McMorris: You have a match tonight, a match that doesn’t need a referee, because as of this moment it’s UNSANCTIONED. Meaning ANYTHING goes. No rules, no refs, nothing to stop what’s about to happen to you.

Sallie: And I think we all know who your opponent is….NATHAN….he’s all yours!

PAT EVANS VS. NATHAN CREED

The crowd acts so excited they could frolic in the streets as “Pain” commences over the PA system. Just as soon as the lyrics hit, Sallie and McMorris part like the red sea, gesturing to the entry where one Nathan Creed now stands. Laser lights flash down onto him and all around his body, his side aimed in Pat’s direction. His head slowly turns until his eyes are taken off the steel pipe in his hands and are instead locked directly on Evans.

Comeau: Oh my, another stunning series of announcements from Sallie and Krissie, bringing us to this most personal of personal grudge matches. Evans about to collide with Creed and it’s now UNSANCTIONED!

Moore: So they’ll be fighting in the buff?

Mark: You have no idea what unsanctioned means do you? Well your about to find out.

Kingdom has climbed to the apron, glaring into the face of the Icon. The war torn rivals stare at each other for several tense moments, their skin trembling before Johnny enters the ring and the two go straight after Infection. They begin to exchange shots with Christian and Wheeler.

The newly crowned Tag Team Champions fight back as best they can, but find themselves shocked by this onslaught. Evans turns to watch his teammates being battled out of the ring and into the crowd, the brawl encompassing the sea of humanity. The fans clear out of the way and bask in delight over Kingdom and Cruze putting aside their issues and fighting it out with the Conspiracy members.

Comeau: Kingdom and Cruze, are showing they can be unified by just one thing, their hatred for the Conspiracy. They’re brawling with the NEW Tag Team Champions out of the ring and into the crowd, Evans is left entirely on his OWN.

Once the warring parties have vanished into the crowd, Evans spins back to face Nathan who is barreling down the ramp, pipe still in hand. The fans are going absolutely bonkers as Pat charges up the ramp, and the two come to blows. There is no referee trying to get this match under control, in fact, there will be no semblance of control or order to this dysfunctional affair.

Mark: Here we go, Evans and Creed coming to blows. I’ve been waiting to see this ever since what happened at Destiny.

Moore: Where Pat was wearing that extremely bad porno mustache? He looked like a skinny Ron Jeremy without the bad acme.

Comeau: Nathan has wanted this ever since he was screwed out of the title, and now he FINALLY gets what Douglas has denied to him for so long.

Evans seems to be getting the better of Creed on the punch exchange, but only because Nathan is more preoccupied with swinging the pipe directly into his shoulder. Pat turns away from his rival, gritting his teeth from the pain and cradling the arm to his ribs.

Nathan charges towards his bitter rival with the pipe held high over his head. He swings it down at Pat’s skull only for the former number one contender to clear out of the way. The pipe cracks off the apron instead, almost dropping out of Creed’s palms. Somehow he holds onto it until Evans steps up beside him, takes him by the back of the head and charges him at the turnbuckle post.

Creed’s skull smacks off of the exposed steel, dropping to his knees and releasing the steel pipe in the process.

Mark: Evans finally getting that pipe out of Creed’s hands, only prolonging the agony.

A shaken Creed palms his forehead while his malicious rival takes him by the back of his head and leads him towards the barricade. He throws him down skull first into the top edge of the steel, his skull bouncing off of it.

Moore: Neither of these guys are going to be able to go to Glamour Shots after this one.

Now Pat approaches the pipe and takes hold of it, savoring the cold steel in his hand. He turns with a malicious expression on his face towards the dazed Nathan, charging at him with the intention of inflicting irreversible brain damage.

Unfortunately his desire leaves him requiring a new chiropractor, because he walks right into Nathan’s arms before being release belly to belly suplexed right over the barrier into the front row of empty chairs. The steel cracks and crashes beneath Evans’ body, which finally ends up connecting with concrete.

Mark: And we didn’t even have to wait for this one to get violent ladies and gentlemen. Evans already suplexed right onto all those empty chairs. This massacre is only getting started.

Moore: Hopefully it’s the PG-13 version of a massacre, I can’t tolerate naughty words, lots of blood yes, naughty words, no, no.

Without a second of doubt Creed climbs the barrier, grabs a chair and throws it straight at the recovering Evans. The chair bounces off of the kneeling Pat’s back, the fans going absolutely ballistic. Another chair is now snatched up by Creed and pitched into Pat’s upper spine.

Evans stands up and staggers forward as another chair, and then another is thrown at him, one smacking off the back of his skull. The last blow is enough for Evans, who falls forward into a wall just beneath one of the balconies.

This leaves him perfectly in place for Creed who takes up another chair and rushes at him, swinging it right at Evans’ skull. The technical wizard ducks out of the way as the steel cracks viciously against the wall he was just leaning against, his skull coming within seconds of being shattered.

Unfortunately for Evans he’s only saved himself for a moment before now Creed has thrown down the chair and grabbed an object from the fans. He has hold of a water bottle which he quickly takes a chug of. As Evans turns towards his opponent water is spat right into his eyes like Creed were a spout. He then takes the hard plastic bottle and cracks it against Evans’ skull.

Water dissipates through the air while the highly disorientated Evans staggers and forces his way through the crowd, trying his best to create some space between himself and his savage opponent. He now falls against a banister, almost tripping down the stairs leading towards the ring.

That’s when Creed comes charging in only for Pat to turn and catch him across his chest. The crowd is shocked as Evans delivers a spinning powerslam right on top of the concrete. A roar emanates from both men, Creed’s back slammed viciously against the floor and Evans aching from the physical exertion.

Mark: These two are just trying to kill each other now that the gloves are off and there’s nothing standing between them, not Douglas, not Infection, nobody!

Moore: Not even the Invisible Man? Be fair now, he could be ANYWHERE! That’s why when I use the bathroom I never pull down my underwear. Sure buying new underwear eats up half my weekly paycheck, but at least I feel safe.

Nathan’s lower back is so enflamed with pain that he can barely maintain a single coherent thought. Despite all of that his body rolls to a kneeling base, grabbing at the banister Evans was using earlier to try and aid himself to his feet. He has no idea that Evans is up beside him and is charging in, connecting with a knee strike right to the side of his face.

The shot sends Creed spilling over sideways and actually rolling down the stairs. Harrowing screams emit from the fans, cupping their mouths in shock as Nathan’s body rolls past them and ends up sprawled out on concrete.

It’s at this point that Pat is shouting at the fans to get the fuck out of his way. He remains on the top of the stairs, looking as if he’s preparing for a dive to his prone opponent at the bottom. The crowd is shocked as Evans rushes forward and dives from the top of the steps all the way to the bottom with an elbow drop. It connects right across Creed’s sternum, the crowd screaming over the vicious landing.

Mark: OHHHH!! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that done before.

Susie: I have, but that’s only because I’m from the future.

Evans caught his knee on part of the railing on the way down but hit the move almost perfectly. The crowd is jumping up and down with excitement despite Evans’ allegiances and the fact that they despise him with every inch of their being.

Pat sluggishly starts to get up, shoving fans aside and then stomping at his laid out opponent. He almost looses his footing as he connects with boot after boot to the sternum. He finally approaches one of the fans, clearing them out of their chair then raising it into the air.

He brings it down right into Nathan’s ribcage, causing Creed to curl up into a ball, all the air knocked out of his compressed lungs. The shot sounds like it just came out of a barrel, but the fans barely have time to react before they watch Creed get snatched up into a scoop slam position. The chair is placed against his back by Evans who then scoop slams him down right across it and the bare concrete.

Nathan’s entire face twists like an actor in one of those bitter beer face commercials. The muscles in his lower back are enflamed with pain, yet somehow he continues to rise. Evans watches this in shock, prompting him to move in and begins to rifle off with a series of hard right hands. The blows connect to Creed’s skull as he’s taken by the hair, lead to his feet and dragged towards the ring.

Pat instinctively leads his prey along like a seeing eye dog, bringing him to the barrier then tossing him over by the back of the head.

Comeau: They’re coming over in our direction, Susie.

Susie: Thank God I wore my steel chastity belt.

A battered Evans steps over the barricade, continuing after Creed, pouncing on him like a lion on raw meat. He drags Creed up to his feet and whips him into the time keeper. He collapses into those unfortunate enough to be gathered around the ring bell, which he bounces off of with a thud.

It’s obvious by the confidence in Evans’ gait that he feels Nathan is no more than paralyzed prey. Therefore he moves in for the final, decisive death blow, one he intends to dish out with the aid of a photo camera. He snatches it out of the hands of the ringside photographer, knocking him to his backside then examining the camera deviously.

Mark: Evans about to use that symbolic weapon against Nathan.

Moore: Shocking, he’s holding a camera and he’s not flashing pictures of me? Is he gay?

Evans salivates at the thought of bashing the camera against Creed’s head. He turns towards Nathan anxiously and descends upon him, lifting the camera into the air. But its his own skull that takes a deadly blow, Creed swinging the ring bell directly into his rival’s forehead.

The steel chimes as it blasts Evans right between the eyes, his body tumbling like a heap to the mats. The crowd is absolutely floored by this sudden, vicious strike that leaves Evans entirely incapacitated. Nevertheless, he’s plucked from the mats to his feet and rolled into the ring. All the while Creed is grabbing a chair, setting it up at ringside with no intention of taking a breather.

He begins to roll into the ring after Evans, before realizing that his opponent is perfectly placed in the center of the ring. A grin comes to his unstable face, his eyes twisting towards the turnbuckle and targeting in upon it. He rushes across the apron and up the turnbuckle ending up poised on the top rope.

Creed gives himself only a moment to relish in the opportunity before taking flight, soaring through the air and coming down head first right into Pat’s chest. Screams emit from the Conspiracy member, his body writhing across the canvas, his clavicle possibly broken by his opponent.

Comeau: The Tribute connecting right on the mark, Evans is hurting, Creed may have sent his message.

Moore: I’d use a penguin for my messages.

Pat rolls to the apron, looking for some place he can catch a breathe. But the Future, given this rare chance at revenge, allows him not one moment’s peace. The crowd continues to chant his name as he slips between the ropes and drags Evans to his feet.

Somehow Pat has the strength to stand even after taking that sternum crushing flying headbunt. With his body aching worse than a recipient of a colonoscopy, Evans reaches his feet only to be turned into position for the Upset.

Mark: Creed about to finish it and put a nail in Evans’ coffin.

The crowd is chanting him on as he extends his arm to his side and begins to bust out his version of the Eye of the Hurricane straight onto the apron. Before Creed can connect with his career shortening maneuver, Evans spins around and out of the hold. He delivers a boot right on point to Nathan’s ribs, doubling him over into the front chancery.

On instinct Evans dives off of the apron and pulls Nathan down head first onto the chair set up at ringside. Nathan’s head connects with skull shattering results off the steel. As the sickening echoes descends over the Manhattan Center the crowd cringes and groans simultaneously.

Comeau: Oh dear lord, a DDT from the apron to the CHAIR!

Moore: And here I thought those things were just designed for sitting. I wonder what else you can do with them? Quick, quick, let’s make a fort.

The fans are still astounded by what they’ve just witnessed, the move leaving Creed sprawled across his back, a small gusher opened up in his forehead. A trail of blood dribbles down his face while Evans employs the chair to will himself up to his feet.

Every inch of his anatomy aches, yet he still has the strength to lead Creed up to his knees. Nathan is powerless as his face is swung down into the seat of the steel, then driven into again and again and again. Creed’s cranium is repeatedly driven against the steel amongst screams from the shocked audience.

It’s now that Evans sticks Nathan’s head between the back rest and the seat, the chair wrapped around the Future’s neck. A very dazed Nathan is stood up and turned towards the announce table, before being pushed by the back of the head down into the wood. The legs of the chair smack against the table and drives the seat viciously into Nathan’s trapped head.

Mark: Oh Jesus, Evans may have just severed Creed’s neck with that move.

Moore: He can be like a turtle now and pull his head into his protective shell, yay!

Creed’s skull falls free of the chair as he collapses to his back. Evans steps over his conquered foe, planting a symbolic foot on his chest and then raising his eyes towards the heavens.

He receives only jeers from an angered audience. Their reaction is trivial, Evans going right back to work on his fallen prey, guiding him up to his feet then rolling him into the ring. Nathan looks to be nothing more than dead weight while his rival makes his way around the ring.

His intentions are obvious as he stoops down and begins to take the weapons that were brought to ringside into his palms. The steel pipe is one hand and the chain is in the other, Pat looking back and forth at them with a twisted grin on his features.

Comeau: Evans has got two tricks of the trade, and I think he’s about to end this unsanctioned bout with a blood letting.

Pat only takes a moment to listen to the jeers of the crowd, enjoying the fact that he’s crushing their last semblance of hope. Finally he turns towards the ring when Nathan comes diving through the ropes into a suicide headbunt. He connects to Evans, both men collapsing to the mats amongst high pitched wails from the audience.

Mark: Nathan’s still got some fight left in him.

Moore: And I think I still have some of that burrito I ate six months ago inside of me. See look, you can see it in my stomach.

The fans are jumping around excitedly, stunned by Creed’s last ditch effort to take out his bitter nemesis. Both men are sprawled across the mats, neither one moving after that death defying leap. It’s Evans who begins to move first, still the fresher of the two, however even he can’t get to his feet.

Creed, who is feeding off of raw hatred, begins to stand, taking hold of the steel pipe in the process. The crowd is ecstatic as he lifts the pipe into the air, moments from crushing Evans’ skull. He swings the steel at Pat’s cranium only to be punched to the ribs with a chain wrapped fist.

Comeau: Both men had the same idea but Pat was the quicker of the two.

Susie: It’s not fair that Pat has bionic fists, those should be illegal, unless this is a video game. You’d tell me if we were in a video game right?

Mark: Possibly.

With possibly cracked ribs the doubled over Nathan staggers up the ramp. That’s when Pat steps up behind him and delivers a shot with his chain wrapped fist right between the kidneys. Nathan arches his back and staggers forward, roaring from the pain, blood dripping from his chin.

Somehow he keeps hold of the pipe even as he falls to his knees on the stage. Evans moves in for the kill, grabbing the back of his head, dragging him up to his feet and then charging him straight at the steel struts supporting the big screen. Creed is thrown head and shoulder first right into them, his body bouncing off with a heinous collision.

Comeau: Now these two are threatening to tear down the set. How much longer can this brutality last?

Nathan’s arm has slipped through one of the struts, holding him up while Evans lays into his battered torso with repeated stomps. That’s before he steps back, readjusts the chain to make it tighter on his fist and moves in for a right hand to the bloodied skull of his opponent.

Creed ducks the inbound fist, causing it to connect right with the steel strut. Shockwaves of pain are sent all throughout Evans’ arm, causing him to cradle it to his chest. He still turns to spot Nathan crawling away from him, shaking off the pain and again attempting to use the chain.

He goes for another knock out shot only for Creed to turn and swing the pipe right into Evans’ inbound knuckles. The collision possibly shatters every bone in Pat’s hand, causing him his eyes to bulge from their sockets and his cries of pain to be choked in his throat.

Mark: Evans went for the KO and his fist got smashed with that pipe.

Susie: Told ya having a bionic fist was bad.

Evans is doubled over his fist, which is already swelling and turning different colors. The chain is dropped to the stage behind him as he continues to stumble forward. It’s at this point that a bloody Nathan steps in, spins his rival around and clocks him between the eyes with the pipe.

The blow echoes throughout the arena, and causes Pat to stagger towards the edge of the stage. Somehow, although incredibly dazed, he remains upright just long enough for Nathan to drop the pipe, grab the chain, wrap it around his fist and slug Evans right under the jaw.

Pat looks dead on his feet as he finds himself precariously balanced on the edge of the stage. The crowd is screaming as he flails his arms to remain upright and blood begins to ooze from a crack opened in his scalp.

Comeau: My God, how much more can Evans withstand?

Creed is just as shocked as the commentator, in disbelief that he has yet to take Evans down. This prompts him to step back, snatch up the pipe and begin to wrap the chain around it. Once the chain is securely fastened around the pipe, Nathan moves in and swings for the fences.

The pipe and chain connect with bone breaking force, and the collision is enough to send Evans toppling over the edge of the stage to the tables and electrical equipment below. He smashes through the wood and snaps several cables in the process, sending sparks flying in all directions.

Susie: Oh no, Evans is being electrocuted, I hope this doesn’t give him magnetic powers.

Comeau: Evans sent crashing straight to hell by Creed.

Pat lays amongst the broken fragments of wood and electronic devices in a near comatose state. All the while a bleeding Nathan kneels, leaning on the pipe for support. He drives only slight satisfaction over the revenge that he’s just achieved against the malicious Evans, but only Paranoia will quell his thirst for absolute vengeance.

Comeau: Creed emerges as the only man standing tonight, but he’ll have to pin Evans at Paranoia VI if he wants absolution and to get one step closer to the World Heavyweight Title!

Moore: That was as barbaric as Conan.

Nathan’s eyes still blaze with intensity, licking the crimson from his cheeks and relishing in the bittersweet taste of payback.

Mark: A grotesque brawl on a brutal night. But now with a steel cage looming in the distance, I can guarantee that this match is only half of what we’re in store for at Paranoia.

The fans are still chanting Nathan’s name as he stares down into the pit of broken tables where his bitter nemesis lays motionless.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Can the Big Show EVER use the bathroom in peace?

DURING THE BREAK

The show returns live with a frozen image of a loopy Evans leaning on the shoulders of several EMTs.

Comeau: What a brawl we just witnessed right before the commercial break, Evans and Creed absolutely brutalizing one another. And as you can see, during the break Evans was being assisted from that wreckage off to the side of the stage, when this happened.

The video feed starts to stream, showing Evans now shoving the concerned EMTs away. He falls to his knees, blood dripping off the tip of his nose as he tries to fight his way to his feet. The EMTs move in only to be pushed away and threatened with physical violence, Evans steadfast in his dedication to stand upright on his own.

Mark: Pat Evans REFUSING medical help, and insisting that he walk out of here on his own accord.

Moore: I would have taken the free ride in the wheelchair.

Evans’ knees almost buckle as he tries to remain upright, struggling towards the backstage area.

ROBIN BROOKS VS. JACKSON ADAMS

The show returns live to the ring where one Jackson Adams is standing, microphone gripped in hand and soured expression on his face. His cheeks twitch with anger, not over the disaster that just befell Evans, instead it’s attributed to a much longer, bitter issue. Referee Fitzpatrick lingers behind him for some inexplicable reason.

Mark: Normally I would be thankful that the unsanctioned brawl is over, but now we’ve got Jackson Adams in the ring, and he fully intends on speaking. YEESCH!

The hostile Adams runs his palm down his face, trying to maintain some control of his emotions.

Adams: So for years I’ve been called paranoid. I’ve been accused of biasness. I’ve even been labeled as JEALOUS!

A grin so appalling it even make Hitler sick to his stomach settles over Adams’ face.

Jackson: But now I get to come out here, point at each and every one of your chubby little faces and tell you that you were wrong, DEAD WRONG, and I was RIGHT all along. I tried to warn anybody who would listen that Robin was no more than a money grubbing, back stabbing slut, and they didn’t want to believe me. But….

The grin only widens.

Adams: Robin showed her TRUE colors last week and demonstrated that my powers of prognostication were on the same level as Nostradomus himself. So you’ll just have to excuse me as I rub it in a little bit. If I take a moment to say TOLD YA SO!

Now the fans have even more cause for booing Adams out of the building, but the smug Jackson isn’t going anywhere.

Mark: Is there anybody more repulsive than Jackson Adams?

Moore: Kathy Griffin?

Comeau: I stand corrected.

Jackson now holds up his palm, trying not to smile.

Adams: But I shouldn’t make it sound like I’ve been the only victim of that trash bag hoe, because the person who’s truly suffered from all Brooks’ leg spreading sickness, is my best friend Hurse.

The mere mention of Hurse’s name elicits disgusted screams from the audience.

Jackson: Robin strung him along for years just so she could embarrass him publicly on what was supposed to be the proudest moment of his life, and now he’ll NEVER be the same. He was almost catatonic when I tried talking to him earlier tonight. I know what’ll snap him out of it though, watching me avenge him by disfiguring Skanky McGee, right here, right now. Bring your black and blue ass out here Robin!

The microphone is thrown down as Adams storms back and forth, anxious for a reply to his challenge.

Comeau: Adams calling Robin out on what has been a fruitful night for the Black Widow already.

Susie: Yep, because she got to be the first guest on the Tea Party. She’ll be able to tell her friends about that for years!

Adams continues to pace impatiently, vehement in his demand to face Robin. His request is reciprocated by the arrival of one Black Widow.

Tell me exactly
what am I supposed to do?
Now that I have
allowed you to beat me!
Do you think that
we could play another game?
Maybe I can win this time?
I kind of like
the misery you put me through.
Darling, you can trust me
completely.
If you even try
to look the other way,
I think that I could kill this time.

Rah! Rah!
Rah! Rah!

It doesn't really seem
I'm getting through to you.
Though I see you weeping so sweetly.
I think that you might
have to take another taste,
a little bit of hell this time.

Rah! Rah!
Lie to me!
Rah! Rah!
Lie to me!

Is she not right?
Is she insane?
Will she now run for her life
in the battle that ends this day?
Is she not right?!
Is she insane?!
Will she now run for her life
now that she LIED TO ME!

You always wanted
people to remember you.
You leave your little mark on
society!
Don't you know your wish
is coming true today?
Another victim dies tonight.

Rah! Rah!
Lie to me!
Rah! Rah!
Lie to me!

Is she not right?
Is she insane?
Will she now run for her life
in the battle that ends this day?
Is she not right?!
Is she insane?!
Will she now run for her life
now that she LIED TO ME!

Ramidi ma ma ba di ma!
Ramidi ma ma din do!
Ramidi ma ma ba di ma!
Ramidi ma ma ba di mo!
[all x3]

Is she really telling lies again?
Doesn't she realize she's in danger?

Eeeeeeeyow!

Is she not right?
Is she insane?
Will she now run for her life
in the battle that ends this day?
Is she not right?!
Is she insane?!
Will she now run for her life
now that she LIED TO ME!

The little bitch,
she went and she told A LIE!
Now she will never tell another.
A LIE!
The little bitch,
she went and she told A LIE!
NEVER FUCKING LIE TO ME!

The curtains start to move and out runs the energetic yet egotistical Robin Brooks. She glares a hole into Jackson’s face, yet he maintains his smarmiest of smarmy grins. She now moves towards the ring Submission title weighing down her shoulder. Once on the apron she lifts her belt for all to see, rubbing her superiority in their faces.

Comeau: Here comes Robin, and boy has her actions as of late left her deserving of a beating. After her actions this evening, I actually want to see Adams win, as strange a feeling as that is.

Susie: I want to see her hurt too, how dare she not even drink my homemade tea.

The Black Widow looks truly confident after her actions earlier tonight, laying down her blockbuster challenge to the maniacal hellkitty. Unfortunately her confidence leads her to turn her back to Adams, arms stretching to her sides with the Submission Title hung from her palm.

She’s in perfect position for Adams who charges up behind her and drives a forearm into the Black Widow’s back. The impact snaps back Robin’s head and inflicts significant trauma on her neck. She buckles to her knees with Adams laying in with stomps to her upper back and her skull.

Mark: Once again, I’m strangely indifferent to Jackson’s from behind attack.

Susie: I know I don’t care. Robin owes me a new tea table.

Jackson charges in and delivers a punt to the Black Widow’s ribs, flipping her over onto her back. She curls into the fetal position while Adams charges backwards into the ropes, bounces off then dives forward into a elbow drop. The point of his elbow nails Brooks right in the sternum.

Adams rushes to his feet and delivers a second elbow, then pops back up and connects with a THIRD elbow. He now crawls in and wedges his knee to the Champion’s throat, strangling the life out of her. Referee Fitzpatrick makes a five count, reaching four until Jackson breaks his illegal choke, stands up and delivers a leg drop right across Robin’s throat.

The crowd is reacting with cheers as Adams continues to inflict punishment on the Black Widow. She is all shaken up as she rolls to her knees, desperately trying to stand up.

Jackson knocks her right back down to her spine with a bionic elbow. The strike knocks her to her spine and sends her rolling into a nearby turnbuckle, clasping at the cables in order to reach her feet. Adams takes her by the bangs though, drags her out of the corner and lays her out with a hard right hand directly between the eyes.

Comeau: Jackson REALLY fired up, he’s just assaulting Robin left, right and center thus far.

Susie: Good, to think I actually invited her to my party. She didn’t even bring me a present!

A startled Robin gets to her knees when Jackson steps in, hooks both of her arms and drags her head under his seat. It’s obvious that he’s setting for his rendition of the Angel’s Wings. Before he can connect, Robin drops back to her knees, scoots around beside her long time rival and throws a forearm into the back of his knee.

Jackson’s legs buckle, bringing him down to a kneeling base while Robin jumps to her feet and then connects with a step up enzugari right on point to the back of the skull.

The kick echoes throughout the arena while Adams tumbles to his elbows. His eyes flutter, trying to maintain consciousness while Robin jumps over his back, catches him around the neck and the thigh, then pulls him over into the Oklahoma Roll.

1

2

Adams kicks out, getting his shoulders from the canvas in the nick of time. Robin rushes to her feet at the same time as her bitter rival, catching him to the ribs with a knee. The air is knocked out of his lungs, doubling Jackson over as Robin now lunges into the air, hitting a knee strike directly to his nose.

Jackson steps back, holding his possibly broken nasal passage when Robin lunges into the air for the dropkick. Somehow Adams has the wherewithal to side step her boots and shove her legs down to the canvas. Brooks crashes to her side, immediately grabbing at her ribs. All the while Adams is charging into the cables in front of her.

He bounces off and comes back in at Robin who lunges to her feet then into the air, nailing a dropkick with such force that it almost twists Jackson inside out. Adams crashes to his back and rolls away from Robin, propping himself up in the ropes with wide eyes and a slacked jaw.

Mark: Dropkick connecting with perfection. As much as I don’t like Robin, I have to commend her on that excellent maneuver.

Moore: I won’t, not until I get a new set of fine china.

An angered Adams stands and dashes across the ring at Brooks who once again lunges into the air and wraps her legs around his neck. Jackson is flipped over into a hurricarana, sent crashing into the canvas then spilling to the outside of the ring.

He lands on the outside mats, staggering around with his palm wedged to the back of his neck. That’s when Robin comes barreling towards him, preparing to dive through the ropes and hit a high flying move. Before she can make it through the ropes with her suicide dive headbunt, Jackson jumps to the apron and cuts her off with a European Uppercut to the jaw.

A very dazed Brooks dangles over the middle rope ribs first while Jackson takes her by the hair and begins to deliver kicks to her forehead. The crowd cringes at the sight and sound of these blows, yet most of them are cheering on each shot. That’s when Adams grabs the top rope and pulls himself over into a sunset flip. He catches Robin around the waist and pulls her over backwards into the pin.

1

2

Brooks gets her shoulder up, preventing the three count.

Mark: Adams continuing to dish out the physicality. You can just feel the hatred between these two after years of personal animosity, all of which coming to a boiling point here this evening.

Brooks flips over onto her knees while Jackson rushes in and delivers a boot with such force that it takes her right back down. It’s at this point that Adams drops to a knee, kisses his index fingers and holds them out to his sides. A very mixed reaction emanates from the crowd at the sight of this taunt.

Finally he just blows off the crowd and stands up, placing his boot directly on Robin’s face and grinding his heel back and forth. The sole of the boot grinds against the Black Widow’s eyes, causing her to cry out in pain.

Mark: Adams adding insult to injury.

Susie: Isn’t injury insulting enough. Te-he, do you see how I played off your words? I’m super clever.

The referee commences with a five count, reaching four until Adams removes his boot. He steps back with a grin on his face before turning his side to Robin and swinging his arms to both sides. He now connects with a pendulum elbow drop that connects right against canvas.

Somehow Robin was able to roll out of the way just in the nick of time, causing Adams to sit up gripping at his swollen elbow. A dazed Black Widow does a cannonball right into Jackson’s sternum, knocking him to his back with Robin landing on top of him with almost a jackknife cover.

1

Adams sits up and pushes Robin over onto the back of her shoulders. He only briefly has her in a pinning predicament before the Black Widow rolls backwards to her feet then dives forward into another dropkick. Her boots connect directly under Jackson’s jaw, rendering him almost unconscious.

Mark: Robin trying to get back into this very physical opening match, although, seriously, I could care less.

Moore: You have no right to be so angry. I’m the one who’s suppose to be mad. We both can’t have the same emotion and share the same space at the same time, it causes some kind of weird space time anomaly.

Comeau: I’m never letting you watch Timecop again.

Aches and pains flow through the Black Widow’s body as she tries to get back to her feet. The crowd may be booing her, but their verbal jabs only motivate the Submission Champion. She staggers towards Adams and bends down to grab hold of him, only to be dragged down into a small package out of nowhere.

1

2

Brooks kicks out moments before the three count, prompting both competitors to race one another to a standing base. The moment that they reach their feet, Brooks throws a right hand to take Jackson right back down. Adams ducks the inbound fist, slips around behind Robin and clamps his arms around her waist.

He now drops back, rolling Robin over in reverse and folding her up like an accordion. Jackson ends up seated on the back of her thighs, putting her in a pining predicament.

1

Robin kicks out, launching Adams forward into the ropes. As soon as he nears the cables he hops right over them and twists around to land on the apron.

The Spectacular Adams lunges to the top rope, poised for a big flying attack. He goes airborne only for Robin to clear out of the way, causing Jackson to instead land on his feet. It’s at this point that Brooks lunges into the air behind him and lands on his shoulders, going for a reverse hurricarana.

Before she can connect, Adams wedges his hands to her thighs, shoving her up and over his cranium. As a result Brooks lands on her feet, back facing Adams who hooks her arms, spins her around and goes for the unprettier. He’s on the verge of planting Brooks’ beautiful face violently into the canvas.

Just as he’s about to connect with the move, Robin frees her head, drops down and grabs her opponent’s ankles. She pulls back on them tripping Adams forward. He lands on his chest and stomach with Robin lunging into the air behind him. Before he can counter, Robin connects with a double stomp directly to the back of his head.

Jackson’s face is driven down with incredible force right against the canvas, sending him flipping to his back in an almost incoherent condition.

Brooks now slides in and hooks both legs.

1

2

Adams launches his shoulder from the ring, preventing the pinfall.

Comeau: Jackson surprisingly kicking out even after that devastating double stomp.

Susie: I think that move made Jackson’s nose as flat as the earth, which by the way is the center of the universe. And I say anyone who opposes that belief should be locked in a tower FOREVER!

Mark: Oh, how I love your egocentrism.

Moore: Thanks, I love eating egos for breakfast, with LOTS of syrup.

A battered Adams rolls to his side, palms cupping his mouth and nose. All the while Robin is sluggishly rising to her feet and stumbling in the direction of a nearby turnbuckle. It’s obvious that she’s setting up for what should be a sensational shooting star press.

She climbs up the turnbuckle, reaching the second rope only to be surprised by the recovered Adams. Jackson staggers up behind Brooks, reaches out and grabs her arms from behind, dragging her down out of the corner. He now tries to turn her around into the unprettier yet again.

Mark: Once again Adams going for one of his most biggest moves.

Robin refuses to be turned and now delivers a blatant mule kick directly to Jackson’s testicles. Adams is doubled over by the blow, grabbing at his genitals and gritting his teeth.

Comeau: Ohh, a blatant low blow by Brooks.

Susie: I know guys who pay lots of money for that type of treatment.

Jackson is now placed in a side headlock and charges at the turnbuckle. It’s at this point that Robin dives through the cables feet first, planting Jackson’s forehead against the middle turnbuckle pad like he were a batting ram. Adams flies backwards after the head on collision, tumbling to the ring and ending up sprawled across his back.

Brooks on the other hand slipped through the ropes upon hitting the move and is now scaling the turnbuckle. Before anyone even realizes what she’s doing, Brooks takes flight, soars through the air and connects with the Flying Star.

Comeau: The Shooting Star Press CONNECTS!

The fans are stunned as Robin hooks both of Jackson’s legs for the pinfall.

1

2

3!

Fitzpatrick’s hand slaps the canvas for a third time, signifying that Robin is yet again victorious. She sits up, fists closed and face almost severed in two by her grin.

Comeau: Ahhh, and Robin’s done it. She’s defeated a very game Adams here tonight and possibly sent yet another message to Hellkat.

Moore: And this time she didn’t need my special herbal tea to do it.

Mark: Erm, uh, yeah, exactly. Anyway, Robin victorious.

Brooks rises to her knees in the ring, sweat dripping down her frame as she motions for the camera to come close. It zooms in on her smiling face.

Brooks: The same thing is gonna happen to you at Paranoia, Hell-Puss…..

I DO

“House of the Rising Sun” rips through the speakers and once agin results in an outcry of negativity from the crowd. Robin’s befuddled eyes twist towards the entry way where Hurse is now standing, and he is not alone. Disco Ninja lays at his feet, motionless and barely breathing while Katelyn occupies his side, her wrist tightly gripped by the former World Champion.

Comeau: What the hell is Hurse doing here?

Moore: Awww, he’s brought me some play things.

Hurse kicks Disco to the ribs and sends him rolling down the ramp towards the ring. An increasingly confused Robin watches as Hurse twists Buehler’s wrist and forces her to comply, dragging her forward. That same elderly priest who presided over the wedding two weeks ago once again saunters to the stage and follows right behind his employer.

Mark: That Preacher here again, I don’t…..oh wait a minute, please don’t tell me….

Moore: They’re going to have a bake off?

A microphone is extracted from the tights of the emotionally detached Parkwood as a battered and brutalized Disco lays on the mats before him and Katelyn still tries to free herself from his grasp.

Hurse: Robin, SUGAR-WORM, are you ready?

Now Brooks’ is even more confused as Hurse moves up the steps, continuing to tug Buehler along behind.

Hurse: I know I am.

He slips through the ropes and pulls Buehler in behind him, forcing her to drop to her knees beside him. The Preacher, who looks uncomfortable with this whole sordid situation, puts his personal beliefs aside in order to earn a fat paycheck.

Hurse: Let’s do this Robin, let’s stop pussyfooting around. To hell with our past indiscretions, I said we were getting married and that’s exactly what is about to happen.

Brooks: Ummm, no we’re not.

A defiant Robin shakes her head, clearly not having forgiven Hurse for his embarrassing pursuit of Hellkat. Obvious by the nonplused expression on Hurse’s face, he refuses to hear her out.

Hurse: So what do you say? I brought the flower girl….

He yanks on Buehler’s arm, causing her to yelp.

Hurse: The wedding entertainer is here….

The camera briefly cuts to the still motionless Disco Ninja laying at ringside.

Hurse: And I even brought that Preacher you like.

The white haired, wrinkly Priest salutes the Black Widow.

Hurse: So you see, everything is perfect. It’s the exact SAME set up as last week. Everything is in place to ensure our wedding goes off without a hitch. What do you say? Let’s take this plunge together, let’s finally get MARRIED!

For the first time in weeks a smile stretches across Hurse’s face, his chest heaving with excitement, his eyes so wide it looks like he’s ingested an entire box of sugar cookies. All Robin does is stare at her former fiancée, in both shock and outrage over his presumptuous attitude.

Brooks: You honestly expect ME to marry YOU?

He nods enthusiastically.

Hurse: You said you would, and we told everyone we were getting married, don’t make us into liars.

Comeau: The audacity of Hurse to just assume he could force Robin to marry him tonight.

Susie: I always cry at weddings, and funerals, and every time I get on a Ferris-wheel.

Robin takes only a second to dance around her answer, trying to break it to Hurse as humanely as possible.

Robin: Steven….your absolutely fucked in the head.

Obviously this wasn’t the response Hurse was counting on, but he still maintains his creepy smile.

Brooks: I wouldn’t marry you in a million years.

Hurse: So you WILL marry me then? My parents would be so happy.

It’s at this point that she does a double take, her eyes batting awkwardly.

Robin: Aren’t you listening? I just said no, NO I will not marry you. What you did was unforgivable.

Hurse: But I forgave you.

Brooks: So….

Hurse: So that means you marry me now.

Robin: No it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean anything. You know what….

She rubs her fingers into her eye sockets, her nerves getting the better of her.

Brooks: I’m through….

To hammer home her point she swipes her arms through the air, continuing to shout at her former lover.

Robin: We’re not doing this in front of these idiots. If you want to get married so badly, why don’t you marry yourself? Get out of my way.

After making her point even clear enough for Hurse to understand, she pushes past him and marches to the ropes. Without even glancing back the Submission Champion gets to the apron and drops to the mats, stepping over Disco Ninja then marching up the ramp.

Hurse: Robin, where are you going? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

His pale face is flushed red with emotion, his grip on Katelyn’s wrist tightening.

Hurse: We’re supposed to be getting married. You can’t walk away, Robin, YOU CAN’T! You PROMISED! I’m supposed to be a married man, a MARRIED MAN!!

The trembling competitor would rip out huge patches of his hair if he had a free palm.

Hurse: Dammit Robin, I forgave you, marry me, marry me please!

All of his pathetic cries go unanswered as Brooks vanishes into the backstage area. A tear can be seen in Hurse’s eye, the crowd ridiculing him for his first display of emotion in weeks.

Hurse: FINE. I said I was getting married and that’s what I’m doing. YOU!!

He tugs upward on Buehler’s wrist, causing her to cringe with pain.

Hurse: You’ll do just fine. Preacher man, MARRY US.

Mark: Oh come on, this has reached whole new levels of ridiculousness.

Moore: Why did he pick Buehler when I’m sitting right here?

The boos are almost deafening from an incredibly confused audience, all of them watching this odd scene unfold. Katelyn is pulled to her feet and dragged to Hurse’s side, his hand wrapped around her far arm.

Hurse: You heard me, MARRY US!!

The Preacher doesn’t have to be told twice. He quickly steps into position and opens the bible, beginning to read from it.

Preacher: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join in holy matrimony, Steven Parkwood, and ummm, this chick.

Katelyn is shaking her head and pleading with the Preacher to stop, insisting that she wants no part in this shotgun wedding.

Preacher: Steven, do you promise to take, this chick, in sickness and in health, in prosperity and in….yadda, yadda, yadda, do you?

Hurse: I DO!

Preacher: And, um, Sweetness, do you take Steven?

Buehler is already shouting “no, “ prompting Hurse to cover her mouth with his palm.

Hurse: You better believe she does.

Mark: Why is this farce continuing?

The crowd continues to jeer while Hurse now whispers into Buehler’s ear, loud enough to be overheard by the microphone.

Hurse: Just think how jealous it will make, Porno Lad.

He takes his palm away from her mouth as Buehler’s eyes blink awkwardly, as if she’s actually contemplating his proposition.

Preacher: Alright then, if there are no abjections, I hereby pronounce Steven Parkwood, and whoever this is, husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Before Buehler can mouth anymore complaints or further ponder Hurse’s proposal her lips threaten to be engulfed by the Master of Control. He moves in for a peck on her puckered lips when to thunderous applause Porno Lad finally makes his presence known.

Mark: It’s about time.

Moore: Yeah, I didn’t think I’d ever pass gas again.

As the crowd chants his name, the N.H.B Champion steps to the stage with a smile present on his face and a microphone in his hand. Hurse’s lips stop just short of Buehler’s freaked out face as he glares at his rival from the corner of his eye.

Porno Lad: Hursey, Hursey, Hursey….

The Prankster shakes his head in disappointment.

Porno Lad: This is the only way you can get a woman nowadays? Haven’t you ever heard of Match.com or speed dating? I’m sure some blind women might find you downright delectable. And if none of those work there’s always masturbation, which you should be an expert at by now.

Hurse’s face twitches with anger.

Porno Lad: But forcing my ex to marry you? That’s just SAD.

Now his rival is cursing Porno Lad’s name under his breathe.

Porno Lad: And to make matters worse you didn’t even let me arrange a beautiful video package for this wedding. Shame on you. I’m hurt, I’m crushed that you didn’t trust me to be your wedding planner again. I’m so crushed in fact that I just can’t let this travesty unfold. Maybe you can try again another time, when your wedding doesn’t cost me the tag team titles and I can actually make the whole shindig ENTERTAINING. But for now, how about I just come down there and give you ANOTHER reason to cry?

With that the N.H.B Champion casts aside his microphone and storms towards the ring, the fans going absolutely apeshit.

Comeau: Porno Lad barreling to the ring! We’re about to see these two finally go at it!

Moore: HAWT!

A stunned Hurse throws Katelyn to her bum and charges at his nemesis. Porno Lad slides into the ring and is immediately met with a hailstorm of boots and right hands. Somehow, on sheer adrenaline alone, he rises to his feet and begins to return the shots to Hurse’s jaw. It doesn’t take long for the Champion to get the better of his rival, blasting him over and over again to the jaw.

Comeau: Porno Lad getting himself a piece, batting Hurse around like he were a bobo doll.

Susie: I love those things, except for when they start fighting back.

Hurse is staggered backwards to the center of the ring, flailing his arms to remain upright. That’s when Porno Lad steps in for the knock out blow only to have his eyes raked viciously by the his nemesis. A yelp of pain emits from the controversial star, turning his back on Hurse and palming both of his damaged retinas.

With only a moment of time to get the advantage, Hurse grabs the bible out of the Preacher’s hand and waits for Porno Lad to turn around. The momentarily blinded Champion turns towards his rival and gets thumped right on his head with the bible, the blow knocking him to his spine.

Mark: Hurse just knocked Porno Lad out with the BIBLE!

Susie: That is one heavy book. It probably weighs more than Katelyn and I combined.

A stunned Porno Lad grips at the large knot forming in his forehead, barely conscious at this point. Before the Priest can bash Hurse for his sacrilegious exploitation of the bible, he’s given a malicious glare that sends him scampering from the ring.

Katelyn begins to stand up and vacate the squared circle until she’s grabbed by the hair and forced up to her feet. All the while Hurse has also taken hold of the microphone, both palms occupied.

Hurse: PORNO LAD! The time for games is over. Let’s get serious.

Porno Lad’s eyes flutter as he tries to remain conscious.

Hurse: I’ve had ENOUGH. I’m tired of constantly looking over my shoulder, living a life of fear, worried that you’ll pop up and prank me. I’m through with it, and I’m through with YOU. I’m going to end this at Paranoia VI.

He stoops over the barely coherent Porno Lad, ensuring that his challenge is undeniably heard.

Hurse: Me and you, one on one, LAST MAN STANDING!

The fans unleash a very mixed reaction, but the majority of them are excited at the prospect of Porno Lad and Hurse squaring off in the most mid-evil of matches.

Hurse: And I will be the one who towers over you in the end. I will be the one who STANDS triumphant. And you can count on that Porno Lad, because if anything, I’m a man of my word.

Buehler is now pulled into a big wet one on the lips. For a moment she struggles before falling limp. After sealing the deal Hurse lets Katelyn go, wipes his mouth and drops to her seat across the canvas. The crowd is repulsed by what they’ve seen as Hurse storms out of the ring, not even looking back at his rivals.

Comeau: What have we just witnessed? Hurse has challenged Porno Lad to a Last Man Standing match at Paranoia VI and then he kissed Buehler. Does that mean….no, it couldn’t.

Moore: Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Buehler crawls towards the laid out Porno Lad, his head is throbbing at this point. She has no idea what to make of this whole insane situation, just watching as Hurse storms up the ramp towards the backstage area.

Mark: Another night of sheer insanity, with more questions left unanswered then fulfilled. It started with a Tea Party, before we discovered that Sallie and Krissie are co-owners of the IWC, then we found out Kingdom, Cruze and Creed will team up against the Conspiracy in a steel cage at Paranoia VI, and now we’ve just had a forced marriage!

Moore: This is better than Days of Our Lives. I can’t wait till next week.

Comeau: Steel Cage War-Games, Submission Title, Last Man Standing, all going down at Paranoia, and all decided tonight. What’s going to happen on the next telecast?

Hurse stops on the stage glancing over his shoulder at the ring. A demented, twisted smile is evident on his face, one that has an unusual affect on Buehler even as she cradles her ex-lover’s head in her arms.

FADE TO BLACK