THE GLITZ, THE GLAMOR

Of all the ways for the IWC to commence the new year, whether it be through some straight up action, some inane banter, or some type of shocking swerve, the fans are instead treated to a close up shot of trophies. Yes, golden, glistening trophies, all perfectly arranged on the surface of a table backstage. Two darkly clad individuals have been entrusted with the protection of the awards, the pear standing on opposite sides of the table and keeping their eyes open for any trouble.

As the drum roll is heard in the background, followed by some Academy Award-ish tunes, excitement builds for a telecast that will usher forth a new year while commemorating the accomplishments of the previous one.

Billy Mayne: 2010 is upon us ladies and gents, Riot! is back for the new year. And you know what that means, more Billy Mayne!

The camera continues to be fixated on the trophies representative of the best of 2009.

Billy: Tonight, for some reason, we’ll be presenting the awards for the best of 2009. I guess better late than never. Let’s go to Michelle Blacker, who is backstage and hopefully wearing something low cut. Are the stars arriving yet, Michelle? And by stars, I mean have the Five Star Society shown up?

As advertised Blacker is indeed wearing a dress that prominently shows off her endowments. The sparkling black dress clings to her slender frame of the correspondent who is currently planted on the red carpet. The enclosed parking lot is all aflutter with excitement, as stars continue to show up for the big event.

Michelle: They have yet to arrive to the Manhattan Center as of yet Billy, but plenty of stars are pouring in. All of which decked out in the latest fashions. Here’s one celebrity now and one of the presenters for the Year End Awards….

Michelle steps back to allow a wide birth for the chunky behemoth known affectionately as Bob. Those packed into the Manhattan Center can be heard screaming at the sight of the greasy giant. A huge alteration has been made to Bob’s usual attire, a bow tie taped to his throat.

Blacker: Welcome to the Year End Awards, Bob. You’ve got to tell us where you picked up this amazing outfit.

Bob: Bob loincloth itchy.

His hand goes south of the border, scratching the itch.

Bob: Bob found tie in ham. Tie not taste good.

A perplexed Michelle tries to make sense out of his comments.

Michelle: Erm, alrighty then. Are you excited to be a presenter this evening?

Once again the microphone extends to Bob’s grease lathered lips. For a moment no words or even belching noises emit from the big man’s mouth, he looks dazed and confused.

Bob: Bob here to present award for best Mnooses in a promo.

He pulls an envelope from his backside, removing it from beneath the loincloth and beginning to open it.

Bob: And the winner is, BOB! Yaaaay, Bob win!

Michelle: Bob, you’re reading a bus transfer.

The transfer is revealed in his palm.

Jackson: What is all this?

Bob steps aside, mesmerized by the slip of paper in his hands, unaware that he’s giving Jackson Adams the spotlight. With a black suit clinging to his body, a pear of expensive shades balanced on the tip of his nose, and some bling in the form of the Submission Title wrapped around his shoulder, Adams reaches the end of the red carpet.

Michelle: Another celeb making his way down the red carpet. Welcome to the 2009 Year End Awards Mr. Adams.

Jackson looks even more confused than Bob, especially as his eyes examine the décor. He briefly swats at the golden balloons tied to the velvet ropes on opposite sides of the red carpet.

Jackson: How much did the IWC pay for these decorations? All of ten bucks? And what’s with all this pageantry in the first place for some meaningless awards? No one is gonna care who wins Wrestler of the Year, or Tag Team of the Year, or Most Shocking Moment. You know why? Because I was shafted, I wasn’t even nominated. If my name isn’t on the ballot then these awards have no credibility whatsoever.

Michelle: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, so who designed your suit?

Confusion is replaced by agitation.

Adams: How the hell do I know? You Joan Rivers wannabe. Do I have a vagina? Do I have massive tits like you? NO. Therefore I wouldn’t have a clue who made my awesome clothes. What does it even matter? No one gives a shit what I’m wearing, they only care about what I do. And it’s my actions, not my apparel that I’m here to address. I only came to the building tonight out of respect for the fans who deserve an explanation. They need to know WHY I did what I did. They need to understand that I’m not a villain but a victim, and that Johnny Kingdom got precisely what he had coming to him at the pay…..

Blacker: WATCH OUT!

The warning doesn’t reach Adams quick enough. He is unable to protect himself from disaster in the form of a running spear to the ribs. The blunt impact of Johnny Kingdom connecting with Adams, forces both men into the velvet rope and ultimately crashing to the floor.

Michelle: Whoa, whoa, Kingdom, Jackson, save it for my hotel room…

Neither man listens to Michelle’s pleas, far too preoccupied with dissecting one another. Fists fly, fired like cannons into one another’s faces. Even from his back Adams is able to put up a fight, his knuckles drilling Johnny’s chin over and over again. However, Johnny’s anger gives him a little extra power behind each punch, threatening to cave in Jackson’s skull. The vengeful Kingdom dispenses some capital punishment on the Spectacular Submission Champion, taking his payback in full.

Johnny: You don’t swerve me you son of a bitch! I stab you in the back, you don’t stab me…..

Fists, as well as words, continue to be delivered, both of which packing powerful punches. It isn’t until security gets involved that Johnny’s hands stop doing the talking, leaving his mouth to fill in.

Kingdom: You don’t want to know what you’ve got yourself into now, Jacky. You try to humiliate me and the gloves come off.

Even while being forced away from Adams, Johnny continues to assault him, with his tongue rather than with his hands. Jackson lunges to his feet and then in Kingdom’s direction. If it weren’t for the security guards ensnaring his arms and legs, Adams would wrap his hands around Johnny’s throat and choke until his whole body went blue. The Team Leader would like nothing better than to give Jackson the exact same treatment, but the wall of security guards keeps both men separated.

Jackson: You deserved what you got Kingdom. You know you deserved it.

Johnny: Maybe, but that still doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Orlando: Alright enough, ENOUGH!

Now it’s Orlando Cruze who has to get involved in the altercation. He moves between both men and wedges his palms to their sternums, muscling them further apart.

Cruze: This is a special night for IWC, this is 2010, new year, NEW SHOW! If you guys can’t leave your problems in 2009 then I’m gonna…..

Kingdom: Just tell your goons to take their hands off of me Orlando. And you better believe that standing between me and Adams is the last place you want to be.

Orlando is not one to be intimidated by threats, having heard more than his fair share of them from the Team Leader.

Cruze: Shut the hell up Kingdom. If you can’t contain yourself, FINE, I’ll have security confine you to your lockeroom. Boys…

Surprisingly Johnny doesn’t squirm or fuss, he frees himself from security and complacently backs away. They still surround him as a precaution, leading the unstable Team Leader to his dressing room which will serve more like a cell this evening.

Adams: It’s about time you got off your ass and started using your authority, Orlando. Maybe if you had done it sooner the IWC wouldn’t be getting gang raped by the Five Star Society…..

Orlando: SHUT UP!

The very words that Orlando has waited so long to utter finally flow from his mouth, directed at the king of gabbers. Jackson’s face becomes paralyzed by anger, stunned by the audacity of Orlando to speak to him in such a manner.

Cruze: The Five Star Society and Kingdom aren’t who you should be concerned with.

Jackson: Yeah? I guess I really am popular.

Orlando: Yes you are, because there are a lot of guys just aching to get you in that ring tonight, I’M one of them.

Clearly Jackson doesn’t like where this is going.

Cruze: And instead of beating around the bush, I’d rather beat you. Since you’re so eager to get physical, how about you do it in the ring RIGHT NOW!?! Guys, take him out there, I’ll be along shortly.

Instead of being angry Jackson smirks, pitying Cruze for his decision. The Submission Champion is taken away, leaving Orlando behind with a shocked Michelle Blacker. Luckily her mic was close enough to catch every word uttered by the Icon, including his parting comment.

Orlando: This is how you kick off a new year.

After making his claim Orlando storms towards the ring to deliver another statement, this one being far more physical.

OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE

RIOT!

The stage explodes, multi-colored pyros ripping through the grating and shooting high into the air. The fireworks liter the sky with colorful eruptions that dazzle and excite the crowd. If there was one thing that could kill the vibe it would be the voice of Billy Mayne, so naturally he speaks up.

Billy: We are live, it’s Saturday night, its 2010, and we aren’t waiting to get the action started in the new year.

Susie Moore: Yay, do we get those guns that fire confetti? Me likely those guns that fire confetti. Although they always scare me, and I pooh myself a little.

Mayne: Hmmm, I guess you were brought here on the same short bus as Bob.

Moore: Yep, we were. Bob frisked me searching for Mnooses. Although I don’t know why it had to be a strip search.

Billy: Yes ladies and gentlemen, sadly the A team, no, no, the A+ team was broken up. Due to contractual obligations, Katie Steward was unable to commentate here tonight, leaving us with this seat filler, Susie Moore.

Susie: Seat filler? My butt barely takes up any space in this chair.

Mayne: Listen Susie, this is how it works tonight. You sit there and show off cleavage while I do all the talking, got it?

Moore: Yep, that’s what I’m good at.

JACKSON ADAMS VS. ORLANDO CRUZE

The entrance music of one Jackson Adams hits the PA system and to a highly mixed ovation Jackson Adams storms to the stage. There is no pomp, there is no gesticulation, there is no arrogance from the Submission Champion. His eyes are fixed on the ring, no room for external distractions, rather it be boos, cheers or the security guards flanking him. They form a semi circle around Jackson, ensuring he has no where to run, but Adams doesn’t seem interested in fleeing. He hops to the apron and enters the ring under no duress. In the midst of removing his jacket he also takes the Submission Title from his forearm and forks it over to the official waiting in the ring.

Billy: Jackson Adams disrobing for this impromptu one on one encounter with Orlando. The more clothing he keeps on, the better. The last thing I want to see are his flabby love handles.

Susie: I like love handles. I like to motorboat them.

Mayne: You repulse me on so many levels. I’d still bang ya though. Anyhow, the moment Jackson showed up here tonight, big surprise, people were waiting to kick his ass. First Johnny Kingdom jumps him in the parking lot, then Orlando Cruze orders him to go to the ring so they can fight it out.

Moore: Yay, the big bad baldy returns to the ring. I can’t wait to rub my breast on his bald head for luck.

Billy: Note to self, shave head.

The lights dim and the arena is shrouded in darkness, as an air raid siren can be heard throughout the arena. An explosion rocks the entrance way as the rock rift of 'Indestructible' kicks in over the PA system and Orlando steps out onto the ramp way. The determination in his eyes is obvious to see as he makes his way down the ramp, and slides under the bottom rope without seeming to pay anything else any attention. He stands and walks over to the far turnbuckle, his head bowed, resting on it, before turning to face his opponent

Billy: He’s baaaaack. Not that a restraining order could keep this guy away.

Susie: Disney Land has a restraining order against me. I freaked out on “It’s a Small World After All” and attacked some of the animatronic midgets.

Mayne: I have the same reaction around midgets, they’re just too damned creepy. But the story here is Orlando’s return to the ring and his subsequent attempt to avenge what happened at Extinction. Boy howdy I just can’t wait to see these two destroy one another. It’s so nice that the enemies of the Five Star Society are doing their work for them by decimating each other.

Orlando has slid into the ring, the Icon met with a rousing ovation and a closed fist delivered by Adams.

Mayne: Adams going after him quick, hit ‘em, hit ‘em harder!

Jackson’s fist pops Orlando right in his mouth, making him suffer for his audacious comments backstage. Another punch is attempted but ducked by the Icon, who takes off straight across the ring. Orlando shows that he still has some dazzling speed as he ricochets from the cables and comes back in at Adams who turns just in time to be hit with a shoulder block.

The impact takes Adams from his feet to the canvas, his eyes bulging out of their sockets in shock. After over six months of being away from an IWC ring Orlando is showing the world that he’s still got it. He even takes a moment to flex his biceps and give the fans cause to raise their voices.

Billy: Yeah, go on posing Orlando….

Susie: Yes, please do.

Mayne: We all know it’s the only thing he’s good at.

Moore: Not true, he’s good at, ummm, uhhh, being bald too.

Billy: Nice retort. Can someone please just get Susie a plastic bag to play with?

Susie: Yes, please do.

The posing ends and Orlando motions for Jackson to get up. Adams doesn’t need very much incentive, already utilizing the ropes to reach his feet and eye the man who took him down with nothing more than raw power. It takes him a moment but Jackson gets over his surprise, his shock over being manhandled with such authority by his opponent. Standing before him is not the broken down shell that Jackson thought he’d facing, instead he’s squaring off with a man who seems to be in his prime.

It doesn’t stop him from shrugging and then quickly transitioning into a punch. This time the jab is blocked by Orlando, who responds with a strike of his own. The force of the knuckles hitting his chin knocks Jackson from his feet spine first to the canvas. Adams rolls across the ring and stands only to be drilled to the teeth and taken to the ring a second time. He rolls across the canvas and goes to stand up only to hit the ring a third time the second he seems Orlando’s fist cocked back.

He scoots across his seat towards the ropes shouting at the referee to do something. Orlando opens his hands and instead of throwing a fist he throws up a taunt, motioning with both hands for Jackson to “bring it.”

Billy: Not only is Orlando dominating thus far but he’s getting in Jackson’s head too with all this taunting. I love a guy who talks shit and kicks ass, unless that guy is Orlando.

Susie: I love a guy with a penis.

Mayne: Really? I fulfill that requirement.

Susie: Are you sure?

Billy: I haven’t used it lately but I’m pretty sure it’s still there.

Inside of the ring Jackson is once again trying to reach his feet with the aid of the ropes. He begins using them to stand but Orlando is not a very patient man. The Icon throws aside inhibition, storming towards his seated prey only to receive a kick to the ankle. The blow knocks Orlando’s legs out from under him and sends him collapsing face first into Jackson’s raised knee cap.

Billy: Ohhh, that’ll kill a few braincells, and it isn’t like Orlando has many left.

Susie: I’m sure he has one more than you, Billy. Hehehehehe, I just totally ripped you a new pooter.

Billy: I’m not even going to dignify you with a response, mostly because I don’t have one.

After his forehead made contact with Jackson’s knee the brains of the former World Champion have effectively been rattled. He rolls away from the ever so dangerous technical expert who immediately rises to his feet and tries to take advantage. The ultimate message is sent by Adams, who grabs Orlando’s legs, locks them around his own and then leans back into the sharpshooter. One of Cruze’s very own holds begins to warp his body, prompting the Fallen Icon to grab at the canvas and inch his way towards the ropes.

Mayne: Sharpshooter already locked in by the one trick pony with badly died hair.

Moore: Heeeeyy!

Billy: I was talking about Adams.

Susie: Oh.

Although Jackson surprised Orlando with his hold he is still able to escape it quickly. He claws his way towards the ropes and reaches out, grabbing the bottom cable. It’s obvious that Orlando is still fired up both by his desire for payback and his need to have a good showing in his return match. Jackson tries to extinguish the flame within his adversary, breaking the sharpshooter per the official’s request but then using his grip on the leg to drag Orlando to the center of the ring.

Adams drops to his knees and immediately clamps on an ankle lock. Without even taking a breathe between transitions Adams applies the submission and begins to warp the ankle of the Fallen Icon. Although he quickly escaped the sharpshooter Orlando does not have the same luck here, his palm already rising above the canvas, fighting the urge to submit.

Billy: It’s been a while since Cruze has taken some abuse, his body may not be ready for it. Although I would think living with Kloe and those horrid children would have been abuse enough.

The fans are stunned by the thought that Jackson will once again ruin Orlando’s return to the ring and do so in such timely fashion. However, Orlando isn’t about to let this happen, he isn’t about to sacrifice another win after just returning to the sport he couldn’t live without.

He ducks his head and rolls forward, sending Adams flipping over his body as he tried to maintain a grip on the ankle. Jackson hits the canvas and rolls over to his knees, quickly scooting across them towards his opponent. The moment that Orlando sits up on the canvas the Submission Champion grabs both of his arms, applying a modified double chicknwing. He reaches across the back of Cruze’s neck to hook the far arm and then interlock his hands between his opponent’s shoulder blades.

Mayne: Another hold quickly applied by Jackson. Wake me when this snoozer ends.

Moore: Want me to read you a bedtime story.

Billy: Sure.

Susie: Good, I’ll read you my favorite book, “Where’s Waldo?”

The modified double chickenwing continues to prove quite bothersome to the Icon. This quick technical flurry from JA is already beginning to wear him down. Despite his extensive conditioning in preparation for his ring return, Orlando’s body still wasn’t ready for this type of onslaught. Nevertheless he begins an upward ascension, the fans watching with baited breath as he nears his feet.

Billy: Why even bother getting out of the hold, Orlando. Your old, your smelly, just give up and change your depends, hahahahaha. Oh I’m so wickedly funny.

Susie: Hehehehe, you are funny Billy, especially when you said you had a penis.

Many of the fans are clapping, others stomping in the hopes of giving Orlando just the motivation he requires to escape his current predicament. The Icon feeds off the support, rallying him to an upright base, albeit still doubled over, arms still hooked. Jackson, who had been standing at his side facing the opposite direction while applying the hold, now steps over the back of Orlando’s head, trying to take advantage of his positioning.

He lifts Orlando to deliver the Angel’s Wings into the Twist of Fate only to have Orlando provide a last second counter. With a shift of his weight Cruze comes back down to his feet and then uses all his strength to free his arms. He breaks the underhook, wedges his hands to Jackson’s pelvis and shoves him back a few steps. Adams catches himself then comes storming towards the Icon who catches him with a drop toe hold. The moment Jackson’s face hits the canvas Orlando is on top of him, taking the legs and wrapping them around his own.

Now Adams is placed in the very sharpshooter he tried to force Orlando to submit to. The Submission Champion reaches the points of his elbows and glares longingly at the far ropes. Despite the pain he’s enduring Jackson is still relatively fresh enough to scramble across the ring and pull the weight of Orlando to the ropes. He grabs the bottom one to shrill screams from the audience.

Billy: Doh’! How could Orlando LET Jackson reach the ropes like that?

Susie: Because he’s so nice.

Mayne: That’s not an answer.

Susie: Really? I thought it was.

Billy: You don’t THINK at all.

Moore: Oh YEAH.

Orlando breaks the lock at the behest of official Fitzpatrick, allowing his opponent to escape the ring. Jackson rolls under the ropes and seats himself on the apron, grabbing at his damaged back and the possibly torn cartilage in his knees.

He begins to stand up when Orlando steps towards him and grabs the back of his head. Cruze now goes for a jaw shattering European Uppercut that is shockingly avoided by Adams. He doges the blow by rearing back from the ropes, causing the bicep to just miss his chin. Jackson then reaches over the ropes, interlocks his hands around Cruze’s chin and leaps from the apron.

The back of Orlando’s neck snaps off of the top rope and causes him to stumble forward, in a perpetual daze. Adams, being the scamp that he is, leaps to the apron and scales the turnbuckle, reaching the very top rope. In a symbolic act Adams leaps from the top rope and twists in order to nail Orlando to the back of the head with a diving European Uppercut.

Billy: Ewwww yeah!

Susie: SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!

Mayne: What?

Moore: I was just finishing your sentence for you.

Billy: Never do that again.

The blow to the skull has knocked Orlando from his feet, bringing him to his knees. The quick Adams takes advantage of the opportunities presented to him. He stands up and rushes at Orlando, taking him by the wrist, forcing him to his feet then whipping him with all his strength into the turnbuckle. Cruze turns and happens to smack into the corner with the back of his skull and neck taking much of the impact. The whiplash sends him collapsing away from the turnbuckle onto his elbows.

Billy: Not since he finger painted in school has Jackson shown any intelligence, so I have to give him credit here for going after the neck.

Susie: I still finger paint in my classes.

Mayne: I’m not surprised that your still in preschool Susie, I’m shocked that you went to school at all.

The damaged Icon tries to get up but is already showing signs of wear and tear. Adams pounces on him like a lion on a gazelle. A forearm connects with the back of his neck and then his wrist is taken, Orlando being shot off into the opposite turnbuckle. Orlando builds up some speed, turns and crashes into the corner spine first, arms falling over the cables this time to ensure that he stays upright.

Adams looks to press the advantage, reaching his feet then barreling towards Cruze in an attempt to further his edge. He leaps into the air and wedges both feet to Cruze’s stomach, falling back for the monkey flip. However, Orlando wrapped his arms around the cables and kept from being taken over, instead causing Jackson to crash straight into the canvas back first. He arches his spine from the ring as Orlando steps forward, lifts an elbow and drops it directly to the heart of his callous opponent.

Moore: Yay, he fell on Adams with his elbow, total awesomeness.

Billy: How could they have replaced me with you? How I ask, how!?! You don’t even know the names to any moves.

Susie: You don’t either.

Mayne: Yeah, well, at least I pretend to.

Moore: Yeah, well, at least I have tits.

Billy: Wow…..how can I argue with that?

The elbow met Jackson’s sternum with enough force to crack it, prompting JA to clear out of the ring. Once again he distances himself from the Icon, using the ropes as a barrier between himself and his opponent. He stands up just as Orlando moves towards him, convalescing his neck only briefly. The ever so quick Adams reaches over the ropes and takes the back of Orlando’s head, trying to drop the apron to snap his throat against the top rope.

This time it’s avoided, Cruze swatting the hands aside and then going for the punch. The moment he pulls back with his fist a thumb is shot into his eye, Jackson resorting to whatever moves possible to avoid taking another shot. The jab causes Cruze to step back palming his pupil just as the Champion begins to pull himself over the ropes.

He leaps into the air gripping the top cable when Orlando breaks that clasp by means of a big running Euro Uppercut square to the jaw. The force of the strike knocks Adams out of the air and sends him twisting down to the apron.

His back smacks the hardest, steel portion of the ring as his body goes twisting to the mats.

Billy: Finally, FINALLY, someone shut Adams up for good. If I didn’t hate Orlando so much I’d kiss him.

Adams looks positively dumbfounded, having no idea how he got on the mats outside the ring. With flickering eyes the barely coherent Adams begins to sit up only to be taken hold of and led to his feet by Cruze. Jackson is rolled back into the ring, Orlando following him in now just like he followed him out. He throws himself over Adams and hooks the leg.

Mayne: Here comes the pin. Thank you Orlando for making this mercifully short.

Susie: This match was almost as short as my attention span.

The leg remains hooked and the fans remain on their feet, ready to commemorate Orlando’s return victory with an earth shattering ovation.

1

2

Jackson puts the party on hold by throwing his shoulder from the canvas.

Billy: And just like always Jackson ruins everything.

Moore: Just like when I ruined the end to Star Wars by telling everyone that Princess Leia had a penis.

Mayne: Although I think your confusing two different movies, you might be right about the Princess Leia penis thing.

As his jaw swells Adams tries to stand, his brain scrambled or left sunny side up thanks to that European Uppercut. Orlando is feeding off his second wind and the memory of Jackson’s selfish actions at the pay-per-view, actions that cost him an important win over the Five Star Society. A handful of Adams’ hair is taken and he’s led to his feet where punch after punch connects with his face. Cruze keeps hold of the hair to make sure Jackson remains upright, acting as the Icon’s own personal punching bag.

Finally he takes the wrist and sends Adams sailing into the cables. Jackson bounces off and comes back in at Orlando who ducks for the back drop. Before Adams can be sent sailing he leaps over the Icon, lands on his feet then quickly turns around, hooking his opponent for the Russian Leg Sweep. He snaps back only for Cruze to plant his feet and keep from being taken over.

Yet again Jackson crashes hard into the ring with his spine taking much of the impact and with nothing to show for his troubles. He rolls over backwards as quickly as his body will allow and then comes staggering back towards Orlando who sets, catches him across his shoulders and then drops back into a violent Samoan Slam. Jackson hits the ring forcefully with Cruze bridging backwards into the pin, both legs hooked this time.

Billy: Surely this has got to be it. I can’t stand looking at Jackson’s rat face any longer.

Susie: I actually find it pleasant to look at. It keeps me from getting hungry.

Jackson’s chances of winning are evaporating as the referee’s hand slaps the canvas and brings this match to an end.

1

2

Adams freezes the referee’s hand above the canvas and the crowd in mid-scream, his shoulder leaping from ring. He stays alive despite the drop on his kidneys which may have been burst like two water balloons thrown into a brick wall.

Billy: Ugh, why does he have to keep this match going?

Susie: Maybe he gets paid by the minute.

Mayne: I wouldn’t pay him at all.

Half the crowd is heartbroken, the other half exhilarated at the thought that this match shall continue. Adams begins working his way up to his feet when a fist collides to his skull, almost shattering it on impact. The blow sends Jackson twirling across the canvas but somehow he remains on his feet. Upon spinning back towards Orlando a boot nails him to the ribs, putting his head within reach of his opponent’s arms. Another European Uppercut slams into his jaw, this one with even more power behind it than the last.

He almost goes over but remains upright just long enough for Orlando to take him by the back of the head, intent on charging him across the ring and ramming his face into the turnbuckle.

Cruze gets a few steps before Jackson swats away his arms, steps in behind Cruze, hooks his chin and drops into a reverse neck-breaker. The back of Orlando’s head hits the ring and he pops up to his seat, his neck once again traumatized at the hands of his opponent.

Despite his head ricocheting from the canvas and the ensuing strain on his neck, Orlando starts towards his feet. His fists wedge to the canvas, as do his knees as he slowly begins to stand. He reaches his feet, crouched forward when Adams steps in, takes him around the neck, and delivers the swinging neck-breaker.

Billy: Again the focus of Jackson’s attack returning to the neck. Maybe we’ll be fortunate enough to see Orlando put back on the shelf.

Susie: I hate shelves. I can never reach anything. Like backstage a few minutes ago, I couldn’t reach my earrings so that nice Calvan Greene guy volunteered to let me sit on his face to get to them.

Mayne: Damn that Calvan Greene, he beats me to all the best ideas.

Adams dashes to his feet, as quickly as his body will allow and moves towards the shaken up Mr. Cruze, both hands taking hold of his wrists. A foot is wedged to the back of Orlando’s skull as Adams rears back and on the arms, inflicting significant trauma on the neck.

Billy: Oh, Lando tapped, it’s over. Everyone can take a fifteen minute cocaine….I mean, bathroom break. I’m going to go powder my nose, Susie.

Susie: Wait, wait, I didn’t hear him tap out, and I have amazing hearing. I can hear a humming bird taking a piss. I could also hear what you were doing in that bathroom stall earlier.

Mayne: Really? Ummm, uhhh, I was just scratching a bug bite is all, I swear. You know how good it feels to scratch a bug bite, I couldn’t help but to moan once or twice.

Inside of the ring Orlando’s perilous predicament persists. His neck is pushed even further out of place by Jackson’s leg strength. His chin is almost touching his belly button but he still won’t tap out, even as his shoulder sockets are turned to dust.

He rolls from side to side, hoping that he can get the boot slid away from his neck which would allow him to perhaps reach his feet. Jackson refuses to take his foot away, burying it with even more force into the spinal cord. All seems lost before the crowd begins feeding Orlando with that last little bit of motivation that he needs.

Cruze’s entire face twists and with sweat dripping down his fatigued frame he begins ascending towards his feet. The foot is forced away from his neck and now Orlando has no problem reaching his feet. He stands with Jackson continuing to pull back on his wrists, still putting some serious torque on the shoulder joints.

Orlando begins to turn, on the verge of freeing himself before Adams lets go of the wrists and slips in with a knee. Cruze turns just as the kneecap hits him in the gut, putting him in a crouched position where both arms are slowly hooked.

Billy: He’s going for that move again, where he lifts Orlando, and then hits him with something……

Susie: You really are just as clueless as I am aren’t you?

Billy: I wouldn’t go to that extreme.

The crowd gasps as Orlando is elevated into the air on the verge of being struck with the twist of fate out of the Angel’s Wings. Jackson swings around and takes him around the neck, about to plant him skull first into the squared circle. Unfortunately for Adams his plan is thwarted by the always plotting Cruze. Orlando twists so that his back is pressed to Jackson’s, now going for the backslide into the pin.

Mayne: As much as I hate to watch Orlando win I love to see him anywhere other than in front of my face.

Susie: Then you wouldn’t see him at all.

Billy: That’s exactly my point. That’s why I’m hoping that this backslide ends it.

The Icon, coming back in to reclaim his territory tonight remains persistent in his attempt to use the backslide pin. Jackson is just as persistent in his attempt to avoid it. He plants his feet and utilizes all of his upper body strength to keep from going over.

Finally Orlando gets the message, breaking one arm away from Jackson’s, and then using the other to twirl him around. Jackson turns to face Cruze who attempts a roaring European Uppercut. However, Adams ducks it and rushes into the ropes behind the Icon.

He ricochets from them and comes back in at Orlando who turns just in time to catch his ribs to his shoulder. Orlando elevates Jackson high into the air, sending him flipping forward before ultimately plummeting to the ring. His kidney area once again takes much of the punishment, shockwaves of pain pulsating through his extremities. Even though his body is rocked with pain, from the tips of his dyed hair to the tips of his toes, Jackson tries to stand up.

Billy: Stay down, for the love of God, just stay down! I’m begging you. Here, Susie give me a ten dollar bill I can bribe him with.

Susie: Stay out of my purse.

Billy: Why is this thing full of old decapitated Barbie Doll heads?

At this point Jackson is beginning to believe that maybe, just MAYBE, he won’t leave here tonight victorious. He hadn’t counted on this type of fight, this level of excellence from a man who’s been on such a lengthy sabbatical. Cruze continues to show his aggression as he steps in to press his advantage. He crouched to get hold of his opponent and pays for it, a fist nailing him straight to the jaw. Cruze staggers back holding at his jaw just as a recovered Adams comes rushing straight at him.

He gets caught across the sternum, Orlando setting up perhaps for the Rock Bottom, a move that has proven effective hundreds of times throughout his career.

Mayne: Rock Bottom, yes, yes.

An elbow nails Orlando square in the back of the skull.

Mayne: An elbow, no, no.

The weakest area of Orlando’s anatomy again proves to be his undoing. He grabs his neck and stumbles away from Adams who turns and gets a running start for a clothesline to the back of the head. Orlando spins around with the speed of a carousel and catches Jackson’s ribs against his shoulder. He stands up, twists and slams Jackson’s body with all the force he can muster against the canvas. The spinebuster threatens to live up to its title, almost shattering every bone in Adams’ back.

Jackson arches his wounded body from the ring but his shoulders remain forced to the canvas, Orlando strewn over his chest for the pin.

1

2

Jackson’s arm again leaps from the shoulder, keeping his hopes alive.

Billy: Alright, if you don’t have any money in there just let me throw the disembodied heads in the ring, hopefully Jackson and Orlando will slip on them or something.

Susie: That would be funny, just like when people slip on a banana peel. Hehehehehe, hahahahaha, OH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Mayne: Alright, enough, enough, what the hell is wrong with you?

Susie: Sorry, I just find people slipping on banana peels to be HILARIOUS! Haha-MYAHAHAHAHA!

Billy: I think you just burst my eardrums.

Once Orlando is informed that he didn’t get the pin the Icon rises to his feet, flashing his fingers in the official’s face. The Co-President and former Champion is livid over this decision, so livid in fact that he completely exposes his back to Adams.

It doesn’t take much time for JA to find his second wind, sitting up, hooking Orlando’s leg and pulling him down into the school boy.

Mayne: The first school boy of 2010, I’m sure we’ll see at least twenty more of those tonight.

The referee slips immediately into position and slaps the canvas, bringing the match to a screeching halt.

1

2

Orlando is now the one who leaves his opponent shocked, kicking out just in the nick of time. He falls to his knees with Adams seated beside him, still grabbing at his ailing back. He tries to stand on his own but Orlando aids him to his feet whether he wants the help or not. Cruze drags him to his feet only for the Icon to find himself collapsing to the canvas in the process.

Adams grabbed the back of the legs and now holds them in his arms as he tries to apply his patented submission finisher the Straight Shooter.

Billy: Well this certainly sucks, appears the first match of 2010 is going to end with Jackson winning, and forcing Cruze to tap out no less?

Susie: I don’t care who wins, as long as there is fireworks and confetti afterwards. Although the confetti tastes awful.

The very submission that has proven so effective for Adams in finishing off a wide spectrum of opponents is now cinched in. Adams leans back on Orlando’s spine, Cruze forcing himself up to his elbows, wincing from the unbearable pain. His fingers longingly stretch forth towards the ropes but they are too far away. It isn’t until Jackson makes a crucial mistake that Orlando gets his window of opportunity.

Adams tries to have his cake and eat it two, twisting just enough to reach out for Orlando’s chin, grabbing hold of it and rearing back. At the same time that he has the Straight Shooter applied he’s going for a rear chin lock to target the previously injured neck.

This risky move is exactly what Orlando was waiting for. He grabs the hand hooking his jaw and pulls down on it with all the strength of his biceps. Jackson is forced to break the Straight Shooter as he twists and crashes to the canvas right beside Orlando.

Cruze pops back up to his knees, and forces Adams to his seat where he’s quickly tangled up in the abdominal stretch. The fans go absolutely nuts as Orlando lifts his elbow and drives it square into the temple of his opposition. He then lifts his elbow and hits another shot on the skull.

Mayne: Here come the MMA inspired elbows. Please don’t stop this ref, just let Orlando cave in Jackson’s skull. He’s already brain damaged, so it’s not as if you’d be saving him.

Susie: I wonder how he got brain damaged. I bet he ate paint chips and danced outside during lightning storms holding a sheet of metal over his head.

Billy: What parent would let their child dance in a lightning storm with sheet metal over their head?

Moore: My parents. And they didn’t let me, they forced me to.

The elbows connect with blinding speed and inflict more and more damage on the already battered skull. All chances of a Jackson Adams victory are fading quickly until he counters the best way he knows how. He drives the back of his bludgeoned skull straight into Orlando’s stomach, then does it again. The force of the strikes stop Cruze from delivering the elbows for only a second. This is all the time Jackson needs to free one of his arms, wrap it around Orlando’s neck and then bridge himself up to his feet.

Cruze stands behind Adams who then falls to his knees delivering the snapmare. Not only the fans but Cruze himself are stunned by this clever counter from the technician. The reversal sends Orlando rolling across the ring to his knees.

Billy: Even the elbows didn’t do the trick? Good lord, are we ever going to see the Five Star Society tonight or are these two going to keep borin’ the crap outta us?

Although startled Orlando still rushes to his feet, standing just as his opponent does the same. The proven legend and the man desperate to solidify his name rush at one another and converge in the center of the ring with stereo lariats. Both men collapse to the ring, their bodies spent after the very physical match they’ve endured thus far. The highly appreciative fans stand and clap for this intense bout kick starting the new year.

Mayne: Good, their both dead now. Send some EMTs out to collect their bodies.

Susie: Clown EMTS please, in a really tiny ambulance.

Billy: What she said.

After all the strikes and submissions exchanged between Adams and Cruze fatigue has set in and paralyzed their bodies. Neither man is moving, barely even breathing at this point as the use of their lungs to inhale oxygen is just far too strenuous. The official has no alternative but to proceed with the ten count, nearing the magic number that will conclude what has been a grueling confrontation.

Mayne: Count faster. Susie, show him how it’s done.

Susie: I would if I could count past four.

The fans may not want to see this match end under these circumstances but they nevertheless chant along with the official. His count has neared seven and still neither man is moving. When he utters the word “eight” it seems to stir something within them both. Jackson starts to turn as does Orlando, the two finally showing signs of life, although it may be too late. The crowd is pumped to see the two nearing their feet, knowing that this match will continue, that they will get the epic climax they paid to see.

The official just begins to speak the number 10 before Jackson and Cruze end up on their feet, both men employing opposite ropes.

Mayne: Ahhhhh, shit.

The two barely know where they are but begin to turn and cock their fists. They never have a chance to unload before they are both blindsided rather unexpectedly. Cruze’s legs are swept out from under his body, a set of hands reaching under the ropes and taking his ankles. This gives the official no other recourse but to call for the bell, disqualifying Adams on the basis of outside interference. On the other side of the ring Jackson is grabbed by the chin, spun around and pulled down throat first into the top rope.

Billy: Yes, oh thank God, Buddah, Seal, whoever, the Five Star Society have salvaged this segment.

Susie: Am I supposed to be the one upset about this?

Billy: Since you’re my foil, I guess so.

Susie: Oh, well how dare they then, unless they’ve brought me candy.

BFG drags Orlando out of the ring, takes him by the back of the head and then slams him down face first into the apron. His skull thuds against the steel and his body collapses to the outside mats. Jackson flies across the ring and hits the canvas thanks to Katelyn Parkwood’s interference. Katelyn had no problem getting physical with Adams, putting him on his back where Paris Dannon and Miho Miyazaki quickly go to work. Their boots meet Jackson’s chest repeatedly. Katelyn now supervises from the safety of the ringside area as her sisters go to work on Adams and the bell chimes repeatedly in the background.

Mayne: Stomp ‘em with those big heels girls, stop ‘em until he’s grounded into hamburger.

Susie: Yay, then we’ll get to see the Hamburgler come out of retirement. Although, the Hamburgler did give me nightmares as a child.

Orlando is rolled under the ropes and now subjected to the onslaught from the Five Star Society. He and Adams receive the same brand of punishment, an endless barrage of boots rattling their bones and breaking their flesh.

Billy: This is the perfect start to the new year, watching the Five Star Society hurt my two least favorite people in the world.

Jackson turns to his elbows and knees, his body lacerated in places by the heels of his vindictive rivals. He catches one of these heels coming in though and then twists the ankle it’s attached to. Paris squeals as she turns and plummets to the canvas, Adams standing up behind her and applying the ankle lock.

Mayne: WHHHHHAT!?!

Susie: I didn’t say anything.

The smile on Katelyn’s face is removed as she watches Orlando sweep the legs out from under Miyazaki, her body tumbling to the canvas before being rolled to her chest. Cruze leans back into the sharpshooter. The crowd is on its feet, dazzled by the image of Jackson applying the ankle lock while Cruze simultaneously establishes the sharpshooter. Both Five Star Society members scream at the top of their lungs and slap the canvas as quickly as their palms will move.

Billy: Double submission on the Five Star Society members. Get in there and do something Katelyn and BFG, STAT!

While Katelyn watches her sisters suffer from these holds BFG actually gets off his wide ass and does something about it. The big man slips through the ropes and charges straight at Orlando, cocking back his fist in the process. He swings it straight at Cruze who breaks the sharpshooter just in time to catch the expressionist dancer across his chest and heave him into the Rock Bottom.

Susie: Did the building just shake, or was that me breaking wind?

Billy: Probably a little bit of both. BFG just Rock Bottomed, this couldn’t have possibly gone any worse for the Five Star Society.

Susie: Not true, there could be mimes.

BFG’s back may be broken after the force in which his body was introduced to the canvas. All Katelyn can do is watch from the ramp with a look of pure terror striking her features, in disbelief that plans went so horribly awry. Jackson continues to wrench the ankle of Paris before finally breaking it the moment that he sees Orlando’s back turned in his direction.

Billy: Excellent, it looks like this little alliance is about to be short lived.

The Submission Champion, never one to pass up a golden opportunity, rushes towards Orlando’s backside only for the Icon to spin, hands wedged to his knees in anticipation of delivering ANOTHER Rock Bottom. Jackson stops cold in his tracks and takes a step back, realizing that he almost played right into the hands of the Fallen Icon. Adams refused to be ensnared in Orlando’s trap so he hit the canvas and rolled out of the ring.

Billy: Awww shucks, they aren’t gonna horribly maim one another now? What a tease.

Susie: I’ve been called that before, a tease, but most people add the word “cock” right before it.

Billy: What a surprise. But what’s not shocking is that the Five Star Society just sent a message to two of their biggest rivals.

Susie: How? Didn’t they just get beat up?

Billy: It was all part of the plan, Susie, all part of the plan.

Moore: Ohhhhh, I understand now.

Billy: Do you really?

Susie: No.

The animosity and issues between one Jackson Adams and one Orlando Cruze will not be resolved here tonight apparently. Adams steps around the ring eyeing the former World Champion, while the intense Icon stares right back at him. As their eyes meet it becomes apparent to both men that this rivalry has just gotten started but may never be settled thanks to the constant meddling of the Five Star Society.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

A True Cinematic Gem

2009 YEAR END AWARDS

The spotlights have settled square on the stage. Upon it a podium is positioned featuring the numbers 2009 in bright gold lettering. That same, cheesy, generic award show theme music plays through the PA system much to the annoyance of the inebriated fans.

Billy: Now that the trivial action in the ring is over we finally get to what everyone really wants to see, our own little Academy Awards spoof.

Susie: I hope I get an award for best gum chewing or best use of a pogo stick.

Billy: The thought of what you did with that pogo stick has my heart racing.

The voice of IWC ring announcer Kailey fills the PA system, letting everyone know what they pretty much already know.

Kailey: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2009 Year End Awards….

Her announcement is met with mixed applause.

Kailey: Here to present our first award of the evening, for Rookie of the Year, please welcome JON RICH and BOB!

The crowd is forced from their apathy once the all too familiar lyrics of Jon Rich’s entrance theme are belted through the loud speakers. Stepping out onto the stage is the former N.H.B Champion, Jon Rich, who wears a grin and some sweats over his ring gear. Bob follows behind, actually entrusted to hold the envelope that contains the name of the award recipient.

Mayne: These two are presenting together? I sincerely hope there’s no wardrobe malfunctions.

Jon pauses at the podium which Bob is now rubbing his body against given its smoothness.

Jon Rich: 2009 saw the emergence of several new stars here in the IWC, individuals who will no doubt influence the direction of the company for years to come.

Bob: And will help Bob scratch under his loincloth.

Jon desperately tries to keep the microphone away from Bob’s lips.

Rich: Tonight Bob and I are going to reveal the very best of the new crop of talent….

Bob: And then Bob plays the Bum-Bum song and everyone shakes their bum-bums.

Jon: Uhhhh, let’s hold off on that Bob. And why didn’t you bring your narrator with you tonight? He’s the only person who can make sense out of your gibberish.

Bob: Bob forgot to feed narrator.

Rich: Oh, then he will surely be missed.

Bob: And the award goes to…

Jon: No, not yet.

Bob was in the midst of opening the envelope before Jon snatched it out of his hand.

Rich: We haven’t built up the suspense enough.

Bob: So Bob win!?!

The greasy hands of the offish big man wrap around the trophy, thrusting it high above his head.

Jon: No you DIDN’T.

The trophy, much like the envelope is finagled out of Bob’s palm.

Bob: Bob win award for best booger picked from nose.

Rich: That’s not even an award, and if it were I’m sure Christian Savior would have won it. It would probably be the only award he’d win here tonight.

The scathing remark is met with cheers from the audience.

Jon: You know what, just for the sake of my own sanity how about we cut the whole drum roll, suspense building part and get straight to the award?

Bob: Good, Bob use trophy to scratch Bob’s cameltoe.

Rich: The nominees for rookie of the year are….

The obligatory video montage plays over the Cartel-tron, revealing each of the nominees and offering some insight into why they deserve the award for Rookie of the Year.

Fox Arcane

First there are images of Fox Arcane, his name appearing across the screen followed by shots of him defeating the likes of Pat Evans, River Angelus and Porno Lad. These scenes are interspersed with footage of him holding his own talk show as well as wooing Michelle Blacker.

Theodore Noel Garrison

His name only appears on screen for a moment and the clips of his accomplishments are just as short. The audience is given but a brief taste of what TNG has done thus far, mostly because he’s done NOTHING.

Katelyn Buehler-Parkwood

The impressionable Buehler’s accomplishments are put in montage format. There are scenes featuring her hitting the crossbody on Johnny Kingdom, as well as delivering the KBO on an airborne opponent. She is then shown pinning Porno Lad for the N.H.B Title and celebrating with the gold in the center of the ring. A number of scenes showcase her locking lips with the likes of Porno Lad, Hurse and countless others.

BFG

The gargantuan bodyguard is the next subject of this short film. Although his accomplishments are limited the production staff do find some of his more memorable moments to fill out this portion of the montage. There are scenes in which BFG is throwing his girth into the body of Rick-Rohl, and pivoting on one foot as he attempts a dangerous pirouette.

Thankfully the video ends shortly after everyone was forced to see BFG in a tight fitting leotard, the cameras returning live to the stage. The anxious Rich is desperate to get the envelope open and to get Bob off stage before he does anything that can result in a lawsuit.

Jon: And the winner for 2009 Rookie of the Year is…….

All Rich can do is sigh, unable to bring himself to utter the name written on the scrap of paper taken from the envelope.

Bob: Bob win?

Rich: No, even worse….

With a groan Jon finally brings himself to utter the name.

Jon: Katelyn Parkwood.

The announcement is met with a chorus of boos from the crowd. The only person cheering is, you guessed it….

Billy: Yes, alright! Awesome, just, totally, totally awesome! Any woman who can shag like Katelyn Parkwood deserves recognition. Plus she probably did something else in 2009, like won a title or something.

Susie: Awww, Bob should have won. He should win every award.

Rich continues to slouch over the podium, looking dismayed that he’ll have to hand the award over to his stalker. Bob is elated however, mostly because he doesn’t know what’s going on, even as “Hollywood Whore” hits the PA system. Although the fans expect Katelyn to barrel through the curtains, hooping, hollering, and making a thorough ass out of herself, they see nothing, no one emerging from the backstage area.

Billy: Well, where is she? Does she want me to accept the award on her behalf or something? I’ll totally do it. I’ll bring it over later tonight and we can celebrate.

The confused fans continue to listen to Katelyn’s entrance tunes and await her dreadful acceptance speech, but there she remains unseen. It takes a few moments but the production truck finally get their heads out of one another’s asses and get to work, the show cutting backstage where an intense argument has broken out. The corridor echoes with the uproar of the Five Star Society, Christian Savior shouting at Robin Brooks, Katelyn Parkwood and all those who interfered in the earlier match.

Robin: Don’t look at me, Christian, I didn’t send them out there.

Christian: Well who did? I want to know whose idea it was. Come on, speak up.

All eyes are now focused on a shaken Katelyn Parkwood, who finds herself uncomfortable being the center of attention.

Katelyn: What?

Savior: Earth to Katelyn, who gave you the order to attack Orlando Cruze? You know I had a very specific plan for Orlando tonight, and you may have just ruined it. So confess!

Katelyn: Isn’t it obvious? Porn…..

Porno Lad: Porno Lad did what?

She quickly shuts her mouth and lowers her head as Ace Marshall and Porno Lad step into the crowd.

Katelyn: Nothing, I was just…..

Porno Lad: Out with it.

Katelyn: I was just saying, isn’t it obvious that Porno Lad looks good in a speedo?

Ace: I second that motion.

Porno Lad: Excellent, I happen to be wearing one as we speak.

Christian: No, no no no no.

A highly agitated Savior swipes his arms through the air erratically.

Savior: That’s not what she was about to say.

Katelyn: Yeah-huh.

Christian: No it wasn’t. You were about to say that Porno Lad sent you out there to attack Orlando Cruze without even clearing it with me first.

The audacity of his statement causes Ace and Porno Lad to simultaneously roll their eyes.

Porno Lad: Not that I’m admitting guilt, but why would I, send Katelyn and the rest of the Slut Squad out there to get their asses kicked? And since when did I have to start clearing things with you? Your not my parole officer, believe me, I’ve had plenty, and I refuse to piss in anymore cups….

Christian: What the HELL are you talking about?

Porno Lad: I forgot. Oh yeah, your not the boss of me….

Savior: Usually I could care less what the rest of you do but tonight EVERYONE knew that I was going to have Orlando Cruze as a guest on the Twilight Zone. EVERYONE! Now that’s in jeopardy….

Porno Lad: Well not that I need to defend myself….

Ace: Except in the case of a paternity suit.

Porno Lad:…..true…..but I didn’t have a thing to do with that attack on Orlando, I didn’t give the order….

Katelyn: WHAT!?! But Kitty told me…..

Porno Lad: Well obviously she got it wrong. The girl is a few cards shy of a full deck. She refused to sleep with me, seriously, that should tell you how Margot Kidder crazy she is.

Before Kitty can defend both herself and her strong Christian faith, she’s completely cut out of the conversation.

Savior: Obviously someone gave the order….but you know what, I don’t even care anymore. Just as long as it’s clear to EVERYONE in this group, NOW, I call dibs on Orlando Cruze.

All those present shrug and nod their heads.

Robin: Fine. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go prop my feet up.

Michelle: Katelyn, Katelyn….

The conversation continues while Katelyn is pulled away from the group by a surprisingly excited Michelle Blacker.

Katelyn: What do you want? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a verbal sandwich with me as the meat and Christian and Porno Lad as the bread? Mmmmmm, that be one tasty sandwich.

Despite Katelyn’s mind numbingly foolish dialogue, Michelle remains on point.

Michelle: Didn’t you hear?

Katelyn: That my ass looks really fly in these blue jeans? Yeah, I’ve caught a few guys ogling me.

Michelle: No, no, besides those pants make your hips look weird….

She’s on the verge of going for the throat.

Michelle: I actually came to tell you that you just won the Rookie of the Year Award. You need to get to the stage immediately to accept it.

Katelyn’s face fills with all the colors of the rainbow, losing her breath, almost hyperventilating at the prospect.

Katelyn: Outta my way you Twilight lovin’ bitch!

Obviously Katelyn has no impulse control, as she screams wildly and forces Michelle out of her way. She scurries down the corridor as quickly as her feet will carry her, leaving behind a stunned Blacker and the Five Star Society still in the midst of their argument. Porno Lad has finally had enough jabbering with Savior.

Porno Lad: How about we not do this on camera? We can talk in my office.

Savior: YOUR OFFICE?

Porno Lad: You know what I meant.

Savior: Yeah, all too well.

Both the Rising Phoenix and the Original Prankster continue their discussion off camera, the two storming down the corridor and leaving only Ace and Kitty behind. Once she’s sure that the two of them are alone, she winks and grins in Ace’s direction. Marshall nods approvingly in her direction before finally taking off after his tag team partner.

Meanwhile inside of the arena “Hollywood Whore” continues to pipe through the PA system. Everyone is in an uproar as Katelyn finally steps through the curtains, leaping around the stage as if she won Publisher’s Clearing House, or her boyfriend demanded a ménage-a-trois with Porno Lad.

Billy: There she blows….

Susie: Literally.

Billy: Watch your insinuations, Missy. I panicked for a second, I thought they might have to give the award to the runner up.

Katelyn continues to hop around yapping like she were promised a meeting with the Jonas Brothers. A dejected Rich watches on, annoyed by her outburst. Bob on the other hand is high fiving Katelyn as she passes by and moves immediately to the podium where her trophy was left behind. Although slightly exasperated by her over the top response she tries to give a magnanimous speech.

Katelyn: Everyone always told me I was special, the guidance councilors, my parents, my teachers, any sailor I met in a bar, but tonight I really feel special…..truly, truly special….NO….BETTER than special…. INCREDIBLE.

Tears are wiped from her eyes as she stares at the trophy in her hands.

Parkwood: There are just so many people to thank for my win, all those who had a hand in creating the total package you see before you tonight. I’ve got to thank Porno Lad, who helped me build up my stamina…..

Mayne: I also helped her with that training.

Katelyn: I HAVE to give props to Robin and the rest of the Brat Pack, who got me out of a destructive relationship. If they wouldn’t have saved me from that jobber I was married to, chances are Hurse’s suck would have started rubbing off on me. Thankfully Robin was there to show me the light. She’s like Jesus, if Jesus were pregnant, and had a really nice set of boobs.

Rich clearly looks on the verge of gagging as he stands back and listens to this horrid excuse for a speech continue.

Katelyn: And finally I have to thank my boyfriend, who’s guidance over the past few months has really led to a turn around in my career. Come on over here Jon, this award belongs to you just as much as it belongs to me.

The repulsion is replaced by anger, Jon vehemently turning down her offer. He shakes his head in strong opposition to the mere inference that the two of them are romantically involved. Katelyn just keeps smiling, oblivious to his rage.

Katelyn: Oh cooommme ooooonnn, don’t be shy. Everyone already knows that behind every strong woman is a man giving it to her doggy style. You’re my man and it’s my ass you’re pounding. So come on over and celebrate with your little pudding pop, your Rookie of the Year ….

Jon: THAT’S IT!

His foot literally and metaphorically is put down as he steps towards the podium and takes the microphone away from Katelyn.

Jon: Before headlines are made on TMZ, I’m gonna clear up ANY misconceptions. Katelyn Parkwood and I are NOT an item. This woman is out of her flipping mind!

Even with a finger wagging in her face and her name being dragged through the mud Katelyn can only smile and blush, hearing only what she wants to hear.

Katelyn: Oh behave.

Rich: My penis has NEVER gotten near her snatch, EVER! I did not have sexual relations with this woman…..

Before he can go on to taking a stand Katelyn grabs him by the ears and forces her tongue down his throat. After the initial shock has set in Jon begins defending himself, desperately trying to pull Katelyn’s lips away from his own.

Mayne: Some tonsil hockey being played. I guess we didn’t have to wait long for a controversial moment here at the 2009 Year End Awards.

Susie: Some ladies get all the luck, and herpes.

No matter what Rich does he can’t force Katelyn off of him, almost as if her mouth and hands were made of super glue. In the process of jostling the two trip over, Rich collapsing to his back, Katelyn coming down on top of him. Rich is unable to even scream “rape” as he’s sexually assaulted by the uncontrollable Mrs. Parkwood.

Billy: I wish I had remembered to bring my video camera.

Susie: Someone save that poor Rich, this is worse than that scene in The Accused.

Katelyn’s hands continue to gettin’ busy, as does her tongue before someone finally intervenes, BOB. His doughy arms wrap around her waist and force Katelyn up to her feet, her lips finally breaking away from her quote un quote “boyfriend.” The almost suffocated Rich desperately inhales some oxygen now that he’s been freed from the oh so slutty Katelyn, who licks her lips relishing in the taste. That’s until Bob adds his own flavor. He pulls her in and begins mangling her face with his huge tongue and thick lips. They attach to her face like a suction cup, Katelyn flailing every appendage as she fights to get free.

Billy: HEEEY! Get your paws off her you ape.

Moore: Damn Katelyn and her luck.

The crowd is rallying Bob on as he continues to stick his tongue further and further down Katelyn’s throat until she’s almost gagging on it. It takes security to force Bob away from the petrified Parkwood, who tries not to vomit as she falls screaming to her knees.

Susie: Bob is even such a good kisser that he made Katelyn weak kneed.

Billy: I don’t think Katelyn has ever had an issue with knee strength.

A “Bob” chant has started from the raucous crowd even as he’s dragged backstage by security and referees. Left behind in his wake is a quivering Katelyn, who swipes her palm across her tongue trying to remove the taste of ham. She has no idea that her night is about to get worse until someone begins screaming into the microphone from the ring.

Jon: You’ve forced my hand Katelyn!

Jon is pure red and not from lust. He storms back and forth in the ring removing his warm up jacket and throwing it to the canvas, microphone held to his trembling lips.

Rich: The only way I’m gonna make things crystal clear to you is by kicking your ass right here in this ring!

The crowd explodes, anxious to see Jon make good on his threats. Katelyn isn’t as anxious as the fans, who looks panic stricken and confused as she now clings to her rookie of the year trophy.

Jon: So what do you say we get that number one contenders tag match started NOW.

The microphone is tossed to the canvas right alongside Jon’s jacket. The Real Deal continues to order Katelyn into the ring despite her pleas.

Billy: Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Rich has made the challenge, will we see a case of domestic violence take place after the commercial break?

Susie: Awww, I hope they can patch things up, if not for them, for the sake of their unborn children.

The emotional Rich storms back and forth in the ring, determined to get his hands on Katelyn in a strictly non sexual capacity as the show fades to commercial break.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Another BRILLIANT High Concept Film

KATELYN PARKWOOD & ROBIN BROOKS
VS.
AXL EVERMORE & JON RICH

The show comes back live to the interior of the Manhattan Center where all parties are already in or gathered around the ring. Robin Brooks stands on the outside mats, screeching into the squared circle at both her partner and her surrogate. Katelyn stands shoulder to shoulder with Robin’s replacement for this bout, Kitty Buehler. The fraternal twin sisters lurk across the ring from their eager opposition. Axl Evermore’s entrance music is still playing over the PA system as the champion stands on a turnbuckle, lifting his newly won N.H.B Title high above his head.

Billy: Riot! is back, more Billy, less commercials, you know the whole routine by now. And we’re going straight to the ring where this…..I’m not even sure I can call Rich a man anymore….

Susie: Can I still call him a man?

Mayne: Do as you please.

Moore: Yay!

Billy: ….before the break Rich actually turned down, let me emphasize that, TURNED DOWN, Katelyn Parkwood’s sexual advances and then challenged her to get this tag match started. Did Jon come off the assembly line with a few pieces missing, is he not anatomically correct? And don’t even get me started on his partner and his illegitimate N.H.B Title reign.

From the turnbuckle steps Axl who forks over his championship to the official, a belt he won in the most violent match of his career. Even after four weeks Axl is still showing the effects of that sickening, depraved, twisted Psychotic Steel Cage match in which he finally pinned Psycho to claim the very gold now in the referee’s hands.

Axl takes Jon by the shoulder and whispers some strategy to him, all the while Rich does not take his eyes off of a fearful Katelyn. Mrs. Parkwood is now cowering in her corner, behind the safety of the ropes, volunteering her sister to start the match on her team’s behalf.

The bell chimes as Rich and Kitty find themselves in the ring together, Axl stepping to the apron. Jon doesn’t like the choice in opponents, stepping towards Kitty and demanding that she tag out to Katelyn. He slaps his palms together repeatedly to make the tagging gesture but Kitty isn’t listening.

Mayne: Yeah, now he wants his hands on Katelyn, in a non sexual capacity. Was this guy circumcised by Lorena Bobbit or something? How can he not want to get freaky with Katelyn?

Susie: Maybe he’s saving himself for marriage. That’s what I told all my boyfriends.

Billy: That’s probably why you’ve been married 15 times and your marriages last as long as a Fox sitcom.

Moore: Not true, I was married 10 times, and one of those marriages did last past the honeymoon. I just don’t know why all my honeymoons had to take place in the backseat of a car in the parking lot of the chapel.

Rich, in his anger over being violated, haphazardly steps past Kitty and reaches out for Katelyn, intent on FORCING her into the ring. However, he leaves his back exposed to Kitty, who quickly rushes up behind him and drops down shoulder first into the back of his knee. The leg is almost fractured on impact, Rich collapsing to all fours.

Mayne: That’s what you get Rich, that’s what you get for trying to harm Katelyn you misanthrope.

Susie: What’s a misanthrope?

Mayne: I’m not going to sit here and take twenty minutes to explain it to the likes of you.

Moore: Does that mean you don’t know either?

Billy: Yes.

The kneeling Rich is now subjected to repeated stomps to the back of the leg, inflicting damage to the worn cartilage inside. Axl watches from his corner with a dejected expression, not liking what he sees but ultimately powerless to do anything about it.

Jon begins to stand up even with Kitty stomping at his knee repeatedly, trying to cut him back down to the canvas. Rich is unwilling to be victimized, reaching a full upright base as Kitty takes him by the ankle and begins to drag him by his targeted leg towards the center of the ring.

Billy: Keep on the pressure, thatta girl.

Robin likes what she’s seeing, the former Submission Champion shouting some encouraging words to her replacement. The encouragement proves futile as Rich is able to counter with a big enzugari right to the back of Kitty’s head. The stiff strike renders her loopy, somehow remaining on her feet despite bobbing and weaving from side to side.

She tries to remain upright but a wiser decision would have been to take the fall, as she now sets herself up for a step up enzugari to the back of her head. The second enzugari from Rich is enough to take Kitty over, sending her plummeting face first into the ring. Rich now gets to his knees, eyeing a stunned Katelyn who has no idea how she should react to the misfortune of her sister, but the success of her supposed boyfriend.

Billy: Don’t even look at her Rich, you don’t deserve to look at Katelyn. Wear a blindfold throughout this match. Who knows, maybe it’ll make him wrestle better, mwahahahaha.

Susie: Wearing blindfolds heightens my abilities in certain areas too.

Mayne: Really? In the sack?

Moore: If by sack you mean hitting a piñata with a stick, then yes.

Billy: You really are a cock tease.

With her brain scrambled within the confines of her skull Kitty rolls across the ring and tries to reach her feet. All the while her opponent is once again storming towards Katelyn, who leaps from the apron and hides behind Robin Brooks, employing her as a human shield. Jon turns his focus back to Kitty who comes rushing in, trying to capitalize on his distraction only to be caught by Rich’s shoulder and sent sailing through the air. Kitty catches tremendous height before finally collapsing to the ring via the back drop.

Billy: And Kitty lands right on her oh so perfect posterior. Come here Kitty, I’ll massage it for you.

Moore: And I’ll blow on it for luck.

Kitty grabs at her lower back and possibly fractured caucus while Jon takes her by the wrist. He forces her to her feet via his grip on her arm and then whips her straight into his corner. Kitty screams as she flies into the turnbuckle, spins and crashes spine first against it. Rich slaps his forearm before following her in, leaping into the air and slamming his arm directly into her grill.

The flying forearm connects and then Jon immediately tags out to Evermore. Axl steps across the apron, holding the top rope as Jon pulls Kitty away from the corner, hoists her into the air and drops her spine first across his knee with a Canadian Backbreaker. He holds her across his knee just as Axl flies over the top rope, ducks his head and drops with a senton straight into Kitty’s ample sternum.

Mayne: Now their double teaming her too? This is just too hard to watch. I guess I’ll just have to keep looking at your legs throughout this match.

Susie: That’s what their there for.

The N.H.B Champion takes over while Rich vacates the ring. With Kitty’s hair in his clutches Axl forces her to her feet and then delivers a straight headbunt that takes her right back down to the canvas. The other Buehler sister hits the ring and rolls across her, now becoming a bit desperate to make a tag. Katelyn is surprisingly on the apron at this point, now willingly wanting to participate in the tag match considering that Jon is no longer the legal participant.

She extends her hand for the tag but Kitty is too far away and being worked over by Evermore. An elbow connects right to her kidneys, causing Katelyn’s fraternal twin to scream in pain. Evermore rushes to his feet and then drops knee first into his opponent’s lower back, taking her around the chin and applying a modified rear chin lock submission.

Billy: Whatever you do don’t tap out Kitty. If you hang in there I’ll give you a photo of me in a speedo. The same speedo I’m wearing under my pants right now.

Kitty begins forcing herself up to her feet, trying to get out of this predicament while Evermore removes his knee and now applies a standard side headlock. The N.H.B Champion has his arms tightly clamped around Kitty’s neck, twisting and wrenching at it as best he can.

The increasingly desperate Kitty shows her wrestling skill via an upward knee strike to the back of his thigh, followed by another one. The blows begin to weaken Axl’s grip until he’s finally shoved off and sent charging forward into the ropes. Evermore turns to bounce off of them when he’s grabbed by the ankle from the outside of the ring. Robin’s attempt to trip him doesn’t pay off, Axl turning and stomping down at her hand. Brooks got her perfectly manicured fingers out of the way in the nick of time, causing Evermore’s boot to miss its target.

Focus shifts back to Kitty, promptly rushing right at her and attempting a lariat. Kitty ducks it, builds momentum by rushing into the ropes behind him, bounces off then leaps right to his side, hooking Axl’s leg and shoulder then delivering the Russian Leg Sweep.

Axl’s spine hits the canvas and his momentum carries him over into a backwards roll where he ends up on his feet. This puts him in perfect position for Kitty who ricochets from the cables behind him, leaps forward, catches Evermore around the neck and plants him face first into the ring with a bulldog.

Billy: Ohhh thank God, finally getting back into the driver’s seat. Thankfully one of the hot Buehler sisters actually went to wrestling school, not that she couldn’t get by on looks alone.

Susie: Story of my life.

After Axl’s face has drilled the canvas Kitty rolls away from him and approaches her corner, slapping the outstretched hand of Katelyn.

Mayne: Now the Rookie of the Year getting in there and getting physical. Just not the type of physical she wanted.

The seductive, voluptuous award winner enters the ring and immediately interlocks hands with her sister, the two setting up for a stereo lariat on their unsuspecting prey. Evermore looks a bit frazzled from the blunt impact against the canvas but looks up just in time to see the two traveling towards him. Luckily he has the timing to deliver a straight savant kick to the interlocked hands, breaking them apart and causing both woman to spin around looking stunned.

Evermore turns his back on them and then takes both lovely ladies by their necks, setting up for the double stunner.

Billy: I think I’m gonna be sick.

Just before the N.H.B Champion can connect both ladies sneak out and drop to the canvas behind him, picking his ankles. Axl tumbles forward to the canvas and now Katelyn and Kitty interlock hands as they drop a double elbow straight between his shoulder blades.

Mayne: Yahooo, that’s the ticket girls.

Susie: Is it a magic Willie Wonka ticket?

Mayne: Erm, no.

Moore: Awww, a lot of guys have offered to show me their Wee Willie Wonka’s but it never ends with a trip to the chocolate factory.

Shortly after delivering their expertly timed tag team move Katelyn and Kitty get to their feet doing some simultaneous pelvic thrusting to taunt their opponent. Robin doesn’t like this one little bit, shouting at the Buehler sisters to stay on Evermore before slapping the apron in an uproar.

Kitty stops gyrating and exits the ring at the official’s behest while Katelyn is left behind. In the process of grabbing Evermore’s hair she slaps her ass and then winks in the direction of a disgusting Rich in his corner. Axl uses this brief window of opportunity to deliver a right hand, followed by another directly to Katelyn’s ribs. She is doubled over by the blows as Evermore reaches his feet and goes charging into the cables to build some momentum.

He bounces off and comes back in at Katelyn who leaps into the air, landing on top of him for the Lou Thez Press. The smile on Katelyn’s face is removed however, once she realizes that her thighs have been caught in the arms of Evermore. He now throws her up into the air and onto his shoulders, attempting to counter into a powerbomb. However, much to the dismay of the N.H.B Champion, Katelyn goes sailing right over his head landing on her feet behind him.

Evermore spins around as quickly as possible and gets caught right around the neck, Katelyn planting him face first into the ring with the KBO cutter.

Billy: Oh now they’ve done it, they’ve locked in a tag team title opportunity. Katelyn and Kitty, acting as Robin’s surrogate have just tied up this match with a nice little bow.

Susie: I like bows, especially glittery ones.

Billy: Good lord, where is Katie Steward at? Would someone please find her and put her ass back out here in this seat next to me.

Moore: Okay. She and I should be thin enough to share the seat.

Mayne: That’s not what I was implying.

The absent minded Mrs. Parkwood pushes Axl to his back and hooks the legs of the N.H.B Champion, hoping for the big win.

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Rich enters the ring to intervene and Katelyn quickly rolls off of Evermore, scrambling backwards across her seat the second she saw Jon coming in. The referee gets in Rich’s face, demanding he vacate the ring and he has no problem complying to the rules. What he does have a problem with, is what’s going on behind the official’s back as Katelyn lifts her hands into the air and slaps them together, mimicking the sound of a tag.

Kitty slips into the ring and immediately puts the boots to a downed Evermore, trying to take what little fight remains out of his already banged up frame. She then rushes into the ropes at Axl’s side, leaps to the middle one, springs off and twists into a picture perfect leg drop across Evermore’s throat.

Billy: The tag made and Kitty is cleaning house.

Susie: They tagged? When? I thought Katelyn was playing patty cake.

The feisty Kitty remains seated behind Axl and continues to use her legs as a weapon. She now locks them around Evermore’s head, applying a sleeper with the use of her thigh and calf muscles.

Mayne: I think this may be the first time I’ve ever been jealous of Evermore before.

Kitty continues to use her almost Famke Janssen, Golden Eye leg strength to squeeze the life from her opponent. The tactic seems to be working, Evermore’s face turning a bright shade of red, the oxygen being deprived to his brain. The N.H.B Champion is fading and fading rapidly. The crowd pleads with Axl, begging him to get up, as does Rich, who is determined to beat the Buehlers and become number one contenders for the Tag Titles.

The hopes of the fans and Rich are not enough to help Axl pull out of this funk. His body begins to go limp as Kitty squeezes even tighter with her incredible leg strength, chuckling diabolically all the while.

Susie: I wonder if Kitty’s thighs could crack a walnut.

Billy: Believe me, I’m not about to be the one who finds that out.

The Buehlers and Brooks can feel that Tag Title opportunity within their grasp, knowing that Axl is all but through in this match. With victory a certainty Kitty begins to feel confident for the first time since this match began. Her grin extends from one ear to the other, but much like her sister her smile is removed the moment Axl shows signs of life. He begins to twist from side to side as Kitty’s eyes widen, shaking her head in desperation.

Finally Evermore rolls entirely over to his knees and shocks everyone, his opponent especially, by flipping forward into the jackknife cover.

Billy: Nyoooo, don’t tell me he stole this.

The ref hits the canvas, his hand slapping the ring to signify the end of this match.

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Kitty is able to kick out just before the three and sits up in the process, forcing Evermore off of her sternum onto the back of his shoulders. He’s folded up and finds himself the one being pinned at this point.

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Axl kicks out, dropping over onto his feet and then standing up straight in front of his seated opponent. Evermore instinctively kicks back his leg, going for the buzzaw strike only for Kitty to squeal and cover her face with both arms, protecting herself. Therefore Evermore opts to leap over her, tuck his body into a forward roll and then leap out of it to tag in Rich.

Billy: And here comes Liberachi himself back into the ring.

Susie: Liberachi? I love his candle in the wind song.

Billy: Your wrong, but close.

Jon explodes into the ring, fired up to dish out a bit more punishment on his showboating opponents. He rushes into the ropes in front of a still seated Kitty, who finally stops shielding her face with her arms. She looks incredibly confused for a mere fraction of a second before two feet travel straight into her face, not the feet she was counting on. A front dropkick from Rich levels Kitty, stretching her out across the canvas.

Shortly after delivering the kick Jon scrambles to his feet and leaps over Kitty’s prone body, charging straight at Katelyn on the apron. Once again she leaps from the apron, getting well outside of his reach, leaving Jon clasping at nothing but air.

Billy: If your not groping her boobs then keep your hands off of Katelyn, you deviant.

Susie: What if he wants to slap her ass?

Billy: That would also be acceptable, as long as I’m able to watch.

Rich mumbles Katelyn’s name under his breathe and follows it with a long string of obscenities that can’t be uttered on the air. Once again his back is left exposed to a recovered Kitty, who moves in to take advantage. Promptly Rich spins around and blocks the fist headed for his face, and then connects with one of his own, followed by another shot, and then another.

Kitty backs across the ring taking shots from both of Jon’s fists before ultimately receiving a knee to the mid-section. He takes her wrist and sends her rushing into the cables where Katelyn does the best she can to placate both of her loved ones. She leaps to the apron and wraps her arms around Kitty’s waist, keeping her from bouncing off and coming back in at her quote un quote “boyfriend.”

Mayne: Yeah, it’s about time you picked family over fucking, Katelyn.

Susie: That’s a hard choice for any woman to make, unless they can have both.

Billy: That is so God damn disgusting I don’t even want to continue commenting on how absurdly disgusting it is.

Rich now comes rushing in at Kitty who breaks away from her sister and leaps forward, dropkicking him square to the knee. The strike sends Rich flying forward into the ropes, landing throat first against the middle cable, his arms dangling over the cables and leaving his upper body suspended above the canvas.

A kneeling Katelyn watches on, hand cupped over her mouth, eyes walling up with tears at the sight of the dazed Rich’s face extended over the apron before her.

Katelyn: I’m sorry honey, I’m so, so sorry….

She lavishes his dazed face with kiss after kiss, trying to make up for her helping out her sister which in a way conspired to his current predicament.

Katelyn: If it makes you feel better you can put it in my ass….

Before her statement could be finished Kitty leaps into the air and dropkicks Rich between the shoulder blades, choking him against the middle cable as a result. His throat snaps off of the cable and he goes rolling back to the center of the ring where Kitty scrambles into the lateral press. A forearm is wedged to Jon’s face for good measure.

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A building shaking pop is heard from the crowd, one that Kitty mistakenly interprets to be a result of her victory. What her ego won’t allow her to see is that Rich kicked out a mere fraction of a second before victory could be achieved. Kitty’s confidence is shattered once the referee informs her of as much, leading her to throw a hissy fit.

Billy: Oh come on ref, that was a three count, you know it, I know it, even Susie Moore knows it.

Susie: I do?

Billy: YES!

Susie: Okay then.

The proud Christian warrior marches onward though, grabbing Rich around the bicep and trying to force him up to his feet. However, her arms are swatted away and she is shoved off into the cables. Kitty bounces from the ropes and comes right back in at her still kneeling opponent, launching herself into the air and landing straight on top of his shoulders. She snaps back and drills him skull first into the canvas with a hurricarana driver.

Jon’s skull impacts the canvas with tremendous force and his body now flops over to its back, in perfect positioning for the pin. Kitty crawls on top of him once again and the official makes the count.

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To the dismay of Buehler and delight of Evermore, Jon’s shoulder escapes the canvas once more.

Billy: Dammit Jon, why must you be so determined to hang in there? Let someone who actually has a chance at winning the tag team titles pin you. Besides, it’s not like your gonna have the chance to have Kitty Buehler on top of you very often.

In anger Kitty grabs Rich around the neck, pulling him up into a side headlock then forcing him across his knees towards her corner. She vehemently DEMANDS that Katelyn make the tag, her hand outstretched in her sister’s direction. Katelyn’s eyes widen and she immediately shakes her head no, refusing to get in the ring when Rich is the legal participant.

Mayne: Come on Katelyn, the cat is out of the bag already….

Susie: I’m allergic to cats. That’s why I never went to see that Broadway musical.

Mayne: Everyone knows that Jon Rich isn’t your boyfriend, so get in there and wipe the canvas with him.

Kitty, who has already done the majority of the work in this match, is desperate to get a breather but Katelyn is not complying. An angry Brooks slaps the apron and screeches at Katelyn to get in the ring and face Rich, but she refuses to budge.

When it becomes apparent that her sister isn’t going to comply, Kitty spins to face the kneeling Rich and cocks back her fist. She throws it right at his face only for Jon to duck the blow, causing Kitty’s momentum to turn her into a semi rotation. Her back is turned towards Rich, who wedges his hands to her posterior and shoves her forward into the turnbuckle. Her skull inadvertently bumps into Katelyn’s chin, knocking her from the apron to the outside mats.

Kitty now comes staggering backwards in the direction of her waiting opponent, Rich taking her around the waist and preparing to snap back into the German suplex. However, Kitty performs a standing switch, getting behind Jon this time who is forced to make a desperate counter.

He charges forward at the ropes and then stops just short of them, dropping to his knees and causing Kitty’s momentum to send her flying over his back, through the ropes and ultimately plummeting to the outside mats. She lands right on her knees beside Katelyn.

Billy: This couldn’t be going any worse for the Buehlers if Bob were back out here frenching them after eating an onion.

Moore: I’ve had nightmares about that. Or would they be wet dreams?

Rich remains kneeling on all fours across the canvas before shouting out to Axl, who leaps over the top rope entering the ring. He bounces off of the ropes, building some momentum before stepping off of Jon’s back and launching himself over the top rope.

Mayne: NYOOOO!

The Buehler sisters stand just in time to spot Axl flying through the air and crashing into them both with a senton pancha. All three bodies hit the mats with force and the crowd erupts into a piercing ovation.

Moore: Axl just flew, and he didn’t even need tights to do it.

Billy: This isn’t fair, not one wee little bit, Jon and Axl shouldn’t be allowed to hit tag team moves.

Axl stands up on the outside of the ring at this point, looking between both of his fallen opponents then back towards his partner.

Evermore: Which one do you want?

A devious glint now inhabits the eye of Rich, who’s finger gestures in the direction of Katelyn. A huge grin forms on Evermore’s face as he takes the stalker by the hair, forces her up to her feet and then deposits her in the ring.

Axl: She’s all yours.

Jon stalks his victim who is still trying to regain her senses. Katelyn sits up on the canvas and spots Rich standing over her, that sadistic gleam still featured prominently on his face. He immediately reaches down, takes a handful of Katelyn’s hair and forces her up to her feet amidst screams from the excited audience.

Billy: Now he’s got her by the hair, what are you gonna do you misogynist?

Moore: Give her a perm?

On the outside of the ring Axl is busy dealing with Kitty, delivering repeated stomps to her sternum and face, making sure she can’t save her sister. All hope for Katelyn seems lost as she is dragged to her feet and held by the jaw, completely trapped in Jon’s clutches. He slowly retracts his fist, savoring this moment.

This oh so special occasion is ruined however, when Robin interjects. The venomous Black Widow leaps to the apron, swollen womb and all then pumps her fist at Rich. For a moment it causes Jon to lose his focus, dropping Katelyn then charging straight at Brooks. She leaps from the apron for the sake of her own well being, leaving Katelyn at the mercy of the vengeful Rich.

Katelyn shows that she’s not just a victim however, leaping into the air just as Rich turns around and hitting him with the Lou Thez Press. Or so it appeared to be the move she was going for, in actuality she wraps her arms around Jon’s neck and then falls backwards instead of forward. Katelyn hits the canvas pulling Jon’s face down between her breasts and pinning his skull there.

Billy: And now I’m jealous of Jon Rich, which is just beyond fathomable.

Susie: He’s motorboating Katelyn!

Rich desperately tries to free his face, but it is caught in the bear trap known as Katelyn’s mighty boobs. As he attempts to escape the prison many men have been incarcerated in before he’s unable to hear the referee’s hand slapping the canvas. Unbeknownst to everyone, with the exception of Katelyn, her shoulders are pinned to the canvas with Jon laying on top of her. Brooks looks on panic stricken, trying to climb to the apron once again as the official’s hand slaps the canvas.

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An eruption of cheers can be heard from the Manhattan Center crowd, popping until their lungs threaten to explode.

Mayne: What? Does Katelyn realize what she’s just done in the midst of getting off? She’s cost her team the match.

Susie: It was probably well worth it. If she needs a cigarette I got a pack, although their made out of candy.

The fans continue to voice their approval, overjoyed that Axl Evermore and Jon Rich have just secured themselves a shot at the IWC Tag Team Titles. The moment the bell chimes in the background Katelyn releases Jon’s face and rolls out of the ring as quickly as she possibly can. Rich is left behind desperately trying to clean his facial features with the use of his palms.

Billy: I don’t even know what to think at this point. I’m not sure if Rich should be happy over winning the number one contendership, or happier that he got to rub his face in Katelyn’s camel humps.

Susie: His thirst has probably been clinched.

Although Evermore has no idea how the match ended, he slides into the ring nevertheless and pats Rich on the shoulder, congratulating him. It isn’t until Evermore begins to celebrate that Rich realizes his team has emerged victorious.

His eyes burn with rage at the sight of a grinning Katelyn and Kitty meeting at the edge of the ramp. Robin joins them in protest, angered that Katelyn just cost them a shot at the tag titles but biting her tongue instead of rocking the boat.

Evermore hops to the turnbuckle motioning for the fans to get up and join in on the celebration while Rich staggers across the ring. He leans against the top rope, glaring over it at the faces of the Buehler sisters and the Black Widow, promising revenge against the grinning Katelyn.

2009 YEAR END AWARDS

That same cheesy, nerve grating awards music met to create a majestic atmosphere plays across the speakers. All attention shifts to the entry way, as do the eyes of those in and around the ring.

Kailey: The 2009 Year End Awards continue, please welcome the next presenters, Rick-Rohl and Ron Raeth!

The building trembles with applause as the almost nude Rick Rohl steps to the stage followed by Ron Raeth, who is also on the verge of being butt naked. Thankfully a banjo conceals his unmentionables.

Billy: Talk about a bad time to present an award, and a bad choice in presenters. Was asking for there not to be a wardrobe malfunction just setting my hopes a little too high?

Susie: I was hoping Rick-Rohl was going to be here so we could continue our fling at Paranoia, and lucky me, he brought a friend.

Billy: I don’t see what’s so great about Rick-Rohl.

Susie: He has a penis.

Billy: Oh. Well so do I.

Susie: A REAL penis.

Axl Evermore and Jon Rich watch on from the ring while all the ladies on the stage, with the exception of Katelyn, veer their eyes from the ghastly sight on the stage. There should be some type of ordinance or law forbidding Raeth from taking his shirt off, as his skin is so pale it could be used as airport runway lighting. The two step to the stage with the envelope and award gripped within Rick’s hands.

Rick-Rohl: Before Ron Raeth and I present the award for Tag Team of the Year, we just want to clear up any confusion….

Ron: Ummm, yeah…

He takes hold of the microphone attached to the podium and pulls it to his lips.

Raeth: After seeing my co-presenter I thought we were going with an all nude theme for the awards show.

The crowd gasps and chuckles over this miscommunication, but nobody takes very kindly to the sight of the dimples in Ron’s exposed buttcheeks.

Ron: So yeah, you’re just gonna have to stare at my flabby ass until we’re through.

The fans cringe at the notion.

Rick-Rohl: With that in mind I’ll try to make this brief. The nominees for Tag Team of the Yea…..

Raeth: Wait, maybe I should play a little tune for each tag team, make this REALLY special.

Now Jon and Axl do avert their eyes as Ron lifts the banjo up to his chest and begins to step out from behind the podium.

Rick-Rohl: NO!

Thankfully Rick was there to reel his associate back in before the world could get a glimpse of his tallywacker.

Rick-Rohl: I think you’ve already scarred the children of the world enough, Ron.

Raeth: What? My playing isn’t that bad is it?

Rick-Rohl: Let’s just get on with the awards. Here are your nominees!

Another montage consumes the screen featuring brief highlights from all those fortunate enough to receive a nomination here tonight. The first images prominently feature a team that ran amok through most of 2010.

AWOL & Johnny Kingdom

A few clips encapsulate the rampage of the reunited Empire members. There is a shot of AWOL delivering the Face Wash on Too Magnificent before it is followed up with a shot of Johnny Kingdom delivering the Exodus Finale on Simon Cagero. The pear is presented holding the Tag Team Titles above their heads in celebration of their victory.

KATELYN PARKWOOD & ROBIN BROOKS

The moment their names appear on the screen huge grins form on the faces of the Five Star Society members at ringside. Some of their tag team accomplishments are presented, highlights featuring them working over opponents in tandem. Shots are provided of Brooks hitting the Spider Bite and Katelyn delivering the Lou Thez Press.

ROBIN BROOKS & HURSE

The smile on Robin’s face is removed and a cold shiver goes up her spine. On the Cartel-Tron there are shots of Hurse wrapping his arms around Robin’s waist, squeezing her tight as he kneels like a sniveling infant before her. The follow up scenes showcase Brooks hitting a superkick to the back of Axl’s knee and Hurse connecting the Sanitizer on a stunned Porno Lad.

SIMON CAGERO & TOO MAGNIFICENT

The trashcan wielding psychopath and the obscenity spewing Cagero appear across the big screen. The first shot features the two working as a team to deliver a wheelbarrow suplex into the Break the Silence. The next shot features Too Magnificent holding Simon on top of his shoulders as Cagero celebrates with the World Heavyweight Championship.

AXL EVERMORE & MAX CRAVEN

Now it’s Axl’s turn to smirk as he sees his name, recognition for all the hard work of he and his tag team partner Craven, who started out the year as singles champions. The jive talking Craven is featured rolling up Brooks and then celebrating with the X-Class Title. In a flash the video cuts to Evermore forcing Hurse into a submission as he taps repeatedly. Axl and Max are finally shown standing shoulder to shoulder holding up the Submission and X-Class Titles respectively.

Ron Raeth strums the strings of his banjo, creating a drum roll type sound effect as Rick opens the envelope, blows into it and then delicately removes the name within.

Rick: And the winner for Tag Team of the Year is……

He pauses for effect.

Rick: Simon Cagero and Too Magnificent, The Motherfuckers of the United States of America!

The reaction is deafening from the audience as the new entrance video and music of Too Magnificent and Simon Cagero blasts through the loud speakers and the two step to the stage.

Mayne: Oh well, this was more of a booby prize anyway.

Susie: Really? Their giving away tits? Robin should seriously take advantage of this.

Katelyn and Brooks are furious, feeling screwed harder than their first sexual encounter with Hurse. Evermore and Rich have no reaction, unsure how to respond as the number one contenders watch their potential opponents saunter to the podium. They take their trophies into hand in between requesting that Ron remain facing forward. He covers himself with his banjo and steps aside to allow the winners the microphone.

Simon: Should I even pretend to be surprised?

Too Magnificent: Yeah, this really doesn’t come as a shock to us all.

Simon: Fuck no it doesn’t. I mean, who else was there? The Tag Team division here in the IWC is thinner than the WWE’s. It’s almost as anorexic as Katelyn and Rob…..oh no, can’t say that about Robin anymore, she’s gotten a little THICK.

Too Magnificent: She’s got junk in that fat old trunk.

Brooks is infuriated at the reference to her widening backside, trying to fight out of the hands of the Buehler sisters to seek her revenge.

Cagero: So yeah, even though the outcome of the voting was about as predictable as me winning the World Heavyweight Title, we’ll still cherish these awards, because it was you, ALL those little fuckers out there who made this possible. So you had best believe we’re going to pay these awards the honor that they deserve.

Too Magnificent: The trophy ought to hold down my stack of porny magazines wonderfully.

Simon: It’s about time you motherfuckers ROSE UP and FUCKED the brains out of the system. This award goes out to you, each and every motherfucker who voted, who made their voice heard as they shouted MOUSA! MOUSA!! M-O-U-S-A!!!

The crowd gets caught up, chanting along with the World Heavyweight Champion. He holds the trophy high above his head to visualize the rise of the Motherfuckers of the United States of America.

Too Magnificent: And it’s only fitting that we win the award for Tag Team of the Year on the very night that we take home the IWC Tag Team Titles.

The chants stop as the fans divide on this issue, some supporting the Empire, but an overwhelming majority of them rallying behind the MOUSA.

Too Magnificent: By the end of Riot! we’ll be holding both these trophies, and the Tag Team Titles above our heads. We WILL beat the Empire, because we’re just a little demented….

Cagero: A little twisted…

Too Magnificent: And a whole lot of fucked in the head.

Simultaneously: We are the MOTHERFUCKERS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!

With trophies raised and their entrance music playing in the background the crowd goes bonkers for the MOUSA, swept up in the moment. They back away from the podium having stated their case, or so they thought. Too Magnificent remembers one last important detail he forgot to add.

Too Magnificent: Oh, oh, almost slipped my mind…

The entrance music lowers a few decibels, just enough for everyone to still hear Too Magnificent’s voice.

Too Magnificent: Jon, Axl….

Evermore and Rich react with shaking heads at the mere mention of their names.

Too Magnificent: Congratulations….no, seriously, congratulations. I’m very happy it was the two of you who won this match. It’ll make it all the more bittersweet when it’s the MOUSA that crushes the two of you when you challenge for the Tag Titles.

The music rises to its highest volume now as Simon all but has to drag Too Magnificent away from the microphone. They then pause off to the side of the stage in order to exchange a stare down with the N.H.B Champion and Jon Rich. Both teams look very tense and fired up for a possible showdown. Everything hinges on the main event where the Tag Team and World Title belts shall shortly be defended.

THE FURY

It looks as if a tornado has ravaged the backstage corridor of focus, tables knocked over, glass and steel mangled upon impact with the floor, and posters torn from the walls. The destruction of the hallway was caused by one man, a source of controversy throughout the night, Jackson Adams.

Mayne: What is this roided up freak doing now? He’s tearing apart the Manhattan Center.

Susie: Good, it needed to be redecorated anyhow.

A framed poster is taken from the wall and shattered against the floor, glass flying everywhere. The negligent Adams continues to take out his frustrations on anything he may come across backstage, including a chubby technician. The unfortunate soul just happened to wander into Jackson’s path and receives a prompt kick to the gut and toss to the floor for his intrusion.

Billy: Now he’s attacking jolly people. Somebody get a damn guard back there or I’m gonna have to put that wild animal down myself.

Adams’ tirade proceeds, obviously irate over the conclusion to his earlier match and the attack of one Team Leader.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Even MORE Cinematic Mastery

A TABLE FOR ONE

Michelle: That suit looks great on you, what is the material?

Blacker can’t help but to get a feel of Daniel Ackart’s attire, which seems to be crafted from some strange type of fabric. All the while Ackart’s face features that same smarmy smirk, feeling right at home on the red carpet in the backstage corridor.

Ackart: I actually made it myself, it’s entirely composed of duct tape.

Michelle Duct tape? That’s amazing.

The curious Blacker continues to feel the suit much to Ackart’s satisfaction.

Ackart: You should feel a little lower, Michelle. I used a different type of duct tape down there, see if you can tell the difference.

Michelle: Right here?

The naïve Michelle gets a grip of the lower portion of Daniel’s stomach.

Daniel: Lower.

Michelle: Here?

Daniel: Just touch my penis already.

Before Michelle can cite Ackart for sexual harassment two figures interrupt, making this moment all the more awkward.

Blacker: Why if it isn’t my two most favorite celebrities in the world. Welcome to the 2009 Year…..

Riggs: HUSH.

With his one free hand he raises his finger to Michelle’s lips. Although her personal space was violated Blacker is actually more offended that the Painted Warrior didn’t get a bit more physical with her. He is unable to considering that his hands are full with the table stretched between he and his partner Psycho.

Riggs: Does it look like we care about some silly awards show?

Blacker shrugs.

Riggs: No, we don’t. We’re not here for the glitz, the glamour, the red carpet, the shinny trophies, none of this commercialized nonsense.

The emotionally detached Riggs adjusts the X-Class Title belt over his shoulder in the midst of his speech. His momentary pause allows for his associate to pick up where he left off.

Psycho: We’ve come to the building for one reason only.

Michelle: Because you were booked?

Psycho: Nope. Our matches don’t matter, their inconsequential to us.

Riggs: We’re here to put an end to the meddling ways of this enigma known as Zero.

There is a pause for dramatic effect.

Psycho: This Zero has interfered in our business for the last time. I could let saving Jon Rich slide, but costing Riggs the World Heavyweight Title is unacceptable. He has to pay for that, and he WILL pay for that, TONIGHT. We refuse to let that “sideshow” act ruin OUR company.

Riggs: So let it be known here and now that we are challenging Zero to meet us in the ring. We’re going out there this very second, and we’re going to hold this show hostage until our challenge is accepted.

Psycho: So no more pointless and trivial awards.

Riggs: No more cheesy speeches.

Psycho: All anyone is going to see tonight, is Zero’s body going through THIS table.

With his free hand he slaps the wood. Upon delivering this threat Riggs and Psycho march off camera, continuing to lug the table along beside them.

MAX CRAVEN VS. RIVER ANGELUS

The house lights melt down to black as a major-key alto-soprano Gregorian chant begins...but instead of an actual Gregorian chant, they talk-sing the following...

I-RA-TUUUUS...ANTI MAAAAACHINAAAAAA...DEEEEEUUUUUS...EEEEEX MAAAAACHINAAAAA...IN MAX WE TRUUUUUUST...AT THE CHUUUUUURRRRRCH...OF HOT ADDIIIIIIIICTIONNNNNN...

It cross-fades into "Church of Hot Addiction" by Cobra Starship, and the lights begin flashing green, gold, white, and black. The Cartel-Tron, meanwhile, shows green code raining down on a black background, forming words and phrases to match the chants. A black-with-green-trim-robed figure emerges from the back as the music gets to the first verse.

Just let me ask you--"HEY..."

He is accompanied by another robed figure, quite a bit smaller, and her hood is lowered, revealing Mercy Heaven. They reach the center of the stage.

"...Have you heard of my RELIGION??"

They pause and lower their heads as Mercy goes behind the robed figure.

"It's called the 'Church of Hot Addiction', and we believe that God has lust for ev-er-y-thin'...cuz NOW..."

The robed figure thrusts his arms out and the robe suddenly "flies" off his body into Mercy's hands, accompanied by outward-shooting pyros from either side of the ramp, revealing a grinning MAX in the middle of the spark-storm.

"...The time has come for your DEVOTION...and you already got the NOTION...of what I need; so give it, just give it, just give it to me...(you're will-ing, I'm wait-ing...turn out the lights!)"

The lights melt down during that line, then they begin flashing even faster on the next line as MAX runs to the ring at medium speed, Mercy walking to the backstage area with the robes in hand.

The moment that Max enters the ring his eyes flash towards his opponent, River Angelus already present and warming up for competition.

Billy: Craven is back in the ring, although I didn’t even realize he was gone to be honest, and he’ll take on the man that the sun has forgotten, River Angelus.

Angelus pivots between feet and watches as Craven continues to make his grand entrance to the ring.

Susie: How come River didn’t get an entrance with pyros, and loud music and sparklers? GOTTA HAVE SPARKLERS!

Mayne: You have to EARN an entrance, and I don’t think River has earned anything, not even the SPF he bathes himself in frequently.

Craven turns to gauge his opponent, sneering slightly at the X-Class athlete positioned across from him.

Billy: Let’s see what these two midgets can do.

Susie: If they stand on one another’s shoulders and wear a trenchcoat, they can impersonate a full size person.

Billy: True, and frightening.

The bell chimes in the background as Angelus looks to redeem his loss at the pay-per-view and Craven attempts to compensate for his lack of in ring activity by pulling off a big win. Referee Fitzpatrick steps back and lets the action proceed as the two X-Class athletes step to the center of the ring and lock up. They find themselves in a collar elbow tie before Max tries to drop to his side, rolling across the canvas.

Angelus rolls right along with him though, both men standing up still trapping one another in the collar elbow. With great quickness Angelus steps forward though, and sweeps Craven’s leg, knocking him to his back. He then reaches down and grabs the legs of his opponent, trying to turn him over to a submission.

Max uses his incredible lower body strength to twist and send River flipping over sideways. Angelus has the agility to cartwheel though, landing on his feet and clinching both feet. Max rolls away from him, getting to a knee then eying the fists of his opponent waiting to swing at his skull.

Mayne: Counters. Yay. Better be ready to see a lot of these, and a lot of hopping around, and flippidy moves galore.

Susie: Good, it’ll be just like I’m at a circus. Only there are no clowns. I’m pouting now.

Billy: I’m pouting too, mostly because I have to sit through this match.

After landing on his feet Angelus charges forward only for Craven to avoid him and then use his hand to sweep River’s legs out from under his body. He collapses to the canvas with Max landing on top, going for the pinfall.

1

Angelus kicks out and in the process actually rolls over backwards, reversing the lateral press into one of his own.

1

Craven kicks out, sending River rolling across the ring.

Mayne: Oh yes, nearfalls, you should be prepared for a lot of these too.

Shortly after the kick out both men are back on their feet lunging in and interlocking arms in another collar elbow. They fight of positioning before Craven swings around out of the hold and twists his side to his opponent. He hooks his leg and his shoulder then falls back into the Russian Leg Sweep. River crashes into the canvas forcefully with Max continuing to hook his leg and shoulder. He rolls over backwards and pulls Angelus along with him, both men reaching their feet as Craven goes for a second Russian Leg sweep.

Angelus isn’t about to be hit with the same move twice though, he suddenly uses their entangled legs to sweep Max’s out from under him and send his body tumbling face first into the canvas. River then steps over Craven’s back and hooks his chin, pulling him up into a camel clutch.

Billy: A submission? Psychology in an X-Class division match? Preposterous.

River only has the submission locked in for a second before Craven provides a unique counter. At first he bites the hands interlocked in front of his mouth and jaw, causing them to separate and then twists his body around. He looks up at Angelus just long enough to grab him around the waist and pull him down into a sunset flip style pin.

1

Angelus kicks out and in the process rolls to his side, going right over Max’s leg. He grabs hold of it in the process of the roll and then pulls on Craven’s ankle in order to send him rolling over backwards. Craven gets to his feet just so Angelus can grab him around the neck and snapmare him over to his seat on the canvas. As soon as Max’s posterior hits the ring Angelus drops down behind him, hooks one arm and then wraps his legs around the other, pulling Craven over into a crucifix pin.

1

2

Craven kicks out of the pinfall just before Angelus could steal one in must the same method victory was stolen from him at the pay-per-view. As Craven falls to his knees he grabs River’s arm, places it in a hammerlock and then leaps over his opposition. He pulls River along with him by the hammerlocked arm and onto the back of his shoulders, hooking one of his thighs as well with a modified version of the Gannosuke Clutch.

1

2

Angelus kicks, falling with his back onto Max’s chest but then quickly twisting his body so that he places him in a side headlock.

Billy: What a surprise, another attempted pin thwarted. Maybe you two should, I don’t know, try hitting each other with something that doesn’t involve a friggin roll up!?!

Susie: But why? Rolling is so much fun. I do it all day long, until I vomit or pooh myself.

A shocked Max turns over to his knees, finding his head still trapped in Angelus’ clutches. He twists at the neck as violently as possible, really wrenching it at this point. Max stands up though, wedges his shoulder to River’s spine and then hoists him into the air before ultimately delivering the back drop suplex.

Angelus hits the ring with enough force that he breaks his submission and arches his spine from the canvas.

Mayne: Finally, a wrestling move that doesn’t bore me.

Susie: To make it more entertaining they should wrestle each other with sparklers coming out of their orifices.

Mayne: I think I saw that in one of Max’s movies once.

With his opponent down Max takes no time to showboat….okay, maybe a few seconds. He stands, blows a kiss to the Manhattan audience and then flips forward into a senton leg drop right across Angelus’ throat. River grabs at his neck and rolls towards the cables to create some distance.

Billy: Alright, now put a stake through his heart and end this, Max.

The gasping Angelus tries to use the ropes to reach his feet, leaning on the middle one when Craven rushes up behind him ultimately leaping rear end first into the back of his adversary’s head. River is choked against the middle rope while Max slides over his skull and lands on the outside mats. Again he takes a few moments to blow kisses to the audience who scream wildly before he eventually turns back towards the ring.

He leaps to the apron and grabs the top rope watching as Angelus rolls towards the center of the ring. With the aid of the top rope he goes sailing back into the ring for the big splash only to have Angelus roll out of the way. In the nick of time Craven adjusts, grabbing the top rope and twisting so that he lands feet first on the canvas.

River has no idea that Max is still standing, thanking that he met with a nasty spill onto the ring. He eventually turns around as Craven leaps to the middle rope and springs off backwards into a moonsault. River ducks his aerial opponent forcing Max to once again land straight on his feet where he’s met with a boot to the ribs and placed in an immediate front chancery.

Mayne: I take it this is the Final Credits move I’ve HAD to hear so much about.

Susie: How many times have you heard about it?

Billy: ONCE. Right here on my cheat-sheet, and that’s already one time too many.

River lifts Max up into the air intent on dropping him right on top of his head only for Craven to float over his shoulder. He lands right behind River and to the delight of the masses grabs his arms, hoisting him up for the vertibreaker.

Mayne: God damn all these counters. This has better be the last one.

Susie: I find that smelling lots of glue helps ease watching these crazy matches.

Mayne: I’m no retard, Susie, I’m not gonna kill my brain-cells my huffing glue. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to drink some of this Listerine.

Angelus is only on his feet for a second before he’s leaping into the air, hooking both of Max’s arms in a modified chickenwing and then dragging him down into a back stabber. Max arches his spine and rolls across the canvas, looking to be in indescribable pain. Angelus crawls into the lateral press, both legs hooked for the three.

1

2

The back-stabber wasn’t enough, not even after hooking the arms to increase the force of the impact.

Billy: The human nightlight still unable to put down the human jack hammer.

Susie: Hehehehe, I like these cute nicknames. I got one for you….the human migraine.

Craven continues to reach for his bruised spine while his opponent continues to work him over. To his feet Max is led and once upright Angelus hoists him up and drops him down with a Canadian back breaker right across his raised knee.

Max drops to the canvas and winces in pain but Angelus gives him no time for recovery. He leads him up to his feet and lifts him into the air before hitting a second Canadian back breaker on his elevated kneecap.

Once again Craven is allowed to fall to the ring where he’s perfectly positioned for Angelus’ next move. He lays stretched across his stomach with River rushing into the ropes at his side, springing from the middle cable and flipping back into the moonsault. He crashes directly across the kidneys, leaving Craven to roar in anguish and eventually turn over to his stomach, once again perfectly positioned, this time for the pin. River falls across his sternum and shouts at the referee to make the count.

1

2

Max’s shoulder springs from the ring, refusing to go down.

Billy: How long is this match going to continue? This is almost as painful as passing a kidney stone.

Susie: Or playing a role in a Porno Lad sex tape.

The lower back of Craven remains River’s focal point as he takes him by the hair and forces him up to his feet. He now grabs him around the waist and hoists him up for a third Canadian back breaker. Craven launches a knee straight up into River’s jaw though, causing him to drop Max back to his feet. The fortunate wrestler/director lands right beside Angelus, hooks his leg and then falls forward into the face plant.

Angelus’ skull thuds against the canvas and his body goes rolling towards the ropes.

Mayne: Well at least the lesser of two stinkers is winning.

Susie: From what I’ve been told Max doesn’t stink, he actually has a strong odor of Just For Men body spray.

Mayne: From what you’ve been told, or from what you’ve ascertained yourself?

Moore: It’s not like I stalk Max or something, at least not on the weekends.

River holds his nose and turns to his knees as Max comes crawling towards him. He grabs Angelus’ hair and slugs him to the forehead, then does so again. Both men slowly begin to rise to their feet when River suddenly counters into a jaw breaker. He drops to his knees and pulls Max’s jaw straight into the top of his skull, once again putting his opponent at the disadvantage.

Max staggers back after having his jaw perhaps shattered, he now desperately tries to maintain his footing as Angelus charges towards him. Craven is quick enough however to catch him across the chest and around the thigh, on the verge of delivering some type of exploder suplex.

Billy: Yes, end this, please God end this.

A knee nails Craven straight to the ribs, breaking up his attempt at the suplex and doubling him over.

Billy: Dammit.

To the delight of the fans Angelus leaps into the air, lands right on top of Max’s lower back with a double stomp and then launches himself off of his opponent to the middle rope. He lands on the cables behind Craven’s back, Max quickly spinning around despite the pain in his spine and watching as Angelus steps up the cables then leaps off. He twists around in mid-air going for his springboard lariat.

He falls to the canvas and swings his arm directly at Max’s throat only to have Craven duck under it and leap forward. He swings around Angelus’ hip and grabs him around the thigh, pulling him over onto his back into the school boy.

The fans are even more shocked than River as the official’s hand meets the canvas.

1

2

3!

The arena explodes as Craven rolls to his seat, lifts his arms up in victory and then exits the squared circle. River is left behind, his face paler than usual and his eyes on the brink of popping from their sockets.

Billy: That was that, Craven wins, Angelus loses again by means of another roll up.

Susie: And it wasn’t the fruit by the foot variety either.

Billy: Man, I so despise seeing Craven be successful. It just rubs me the wrong way.

Susie: Max offered to have one of his actors rub me the wrong way too.

On the outside of the ring Craven celebrates, his fists raised above his head as he backs up the ramp, leaving the ring and his vanquished foe behind. Angelus is left kneeling on the canvas shaking his head and wondering where he went wrong AGAIN.

THE GLITZ, THE GLAMOR CONT.

Michelle is still adorned in her nicely revealing and curve hugging gown, anticipating the arrival of even more “celebrities.” She can’t wait to further indulge her Joan Rivers fantasies, and fate provides her with another opportunity to do so. Rolling up the red carpet is a long stretch hummer, painted bright white to make it even more of an eyesore. The tinted windows shroud the identities of the passengers, who are more than likely taking full advantage of the stocked bar.

Michelle: Ohhhh wow, I wonder which celebrity has arrived now? Could it be Crispin Glover or Joaquin Phoenix sporting their weird beards? Let’s find out.

Her hand reaches for the door but it opens before her fingers could so much as touch it. Which is just as well, considering she looses all feeling in her limbs and her jaw plummets to the floor. Of all the celebrities she had envisioned showing up here tonight, this was the last person she was expecting.

Sasha Drachewych: Hi there.

In stark contrast to Michelle, Sasha exits the vehicle wearing a dress truly deserving of red carpet status.

Michelle: Sa-sa-sa-SASHA Drachewych?

Sasha: Wow, surprised you knew my name. I thought you were supposed to have the IQ of a walnut.

Blacker: Actually, that’s Susie Moore. I’m typically the whiney emo.

Sasha: God bless archetypes, and IWC’s over dependence upon them.

She smiles warmly.

I don’t think we could exist without them.

Before Michelle could get in her first, in the line of about a thousand, questions, she is rudely interrupted by one Dan Douglas. He slips out of the stretch hummer and lands right beside Sasha, also dressed from head to toe in lavish attire.

Michelle: DAN!?!

Douglas frowns at his employee, who obviously has forgotten her place in the pecking order.

Blacker: Oh, I mean, Mr. Douglas.

The correction perks Douglas up a bit.

Blacker: What are you…..why is she…..are you two togeth….how….

Sasha: Breathe doll.

She pats Michelle on the shoulder, who is on the verge of hyperventilating.

Dan: Ask yourself something, Michelle. Have you ever ONCE gotten the scoop? Have you beaten anyone to the punch EVER?

Blacker is confused by the statements.

Douglas: I think this may be the fiftieth time you’ve heard this tonight, but YOU’LL find out everything when EVERYONE does.

Although Sasha wants to be a bit more forthcoming Douglas interjects and tries to move her along.

Michelle: Is that all you can give me?

Sasha: Awwwww-haw-haw-haw, can’t we just throw her one bone?

Douglas sighs, giving in so as not to rock the boat.

Sasha: We’re here to present the award for 2009 Wrestler of the Year….and….

Dan: You’ve given her plenty of scraps from the table. ENOUGH.

He makes a throat cutting motion with his fingers and although Sasha isn’t obligated to take orders from him she surprising keeps her mouth shut. She too does not want to rock the boat, even if it involves tolerating Dan’s unacceptable behavior.

Douglas: Save it for the REAL reporters. The media is just gonna eat this up. I’m sure we’ll get a mention on Fox Sports, and if we really hype it, there’s a good possibility that my name could be on the lips of Nancy O’Dell.

Sasha: Glad to see that you have your priorities straight.

The eager Douglas slaps his hands together and grins as wide as humanly possible, every tooth busting through his lips.

Sasha: All you need to know, Susie, is that only something HUGE could bring SCW’s owner to the IWC.

Michelle: Actually it’s Michelle….

Sasha: Ohhh yeah, yeah, good luck with that.

Dan eagerly ushers Sasha away from Michelle and through the double doors. All Blacker can do is watch on wide eyed and more confused than ever.

Michelle: Bitch couldn’t even get my name right.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

A true TESTAMENT to film making

2009 YEAR END AWARDS

Spotlights race across the stage, drawing attention to the podium and entry way where the next presenter will continue the show’s motif.

Billy: And we’re back with more pointless awards. I would actually take the CMA’s over this. Seriously. At least I got to look at Carrie Underwood.

Susie: Are you implying that you actually watched it?

Mayne: There was nothing else on TV, it’s not like I go to line dancing every two weeks down at the Steer Horn Bar & Grill, wearing crotch squeezing jeans and the cowboy hat that came with my Zorro Halloween costume last year. I’m not a country music fan, I don’t beat my wife and I don’t support Toby Keith for the presidency. Like you didn’t watch the CMA’s.

Susie: Nope, there was a Power Rangers marathon on at the same time.

Despite the bar having already been set so very high in terms of star status when it came to tonight’s presenters, the next one falls FAR short of expectations. Instead of another comedic duo a single man makes his way to the stage, and he’s not even a very well known single man at that. Theodore Noel Garrison strolls to the stage in his sleeveless button up and long red tie, briefcase held in one hand, trophy in the other.

Billy: What…..I don’t even know who this guy is and yet they put him in charge of handing out awards? If there gonna put this no name out here then I should have been the presenter, no, no, the MC of the WHOLE event.

Susie: I was supposed to MC it.

Mayne: WHAT!?!

Moore: But I turned them down so I could sit in my old chair…..

Billy: Why….?

Susie: And spppppiiiiiinnnnn.,….weeeeeeee.

Billy: You may be dumber than a box of Too Magnificents but I’d still let you sit on my face.

To the podium steps TNG, to absolutely NO fanfare whatsoever.

TNG: I’m uhhhh, I’m very sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but apparently John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson turned down the IWC’s invitation to be presenters. Which is really surprising. I mean, Samuel L. Jackson is in like EVERYTHING. I think I even saw him in an advertisement for McDonalds. Oh wait, that was “Coming to America.” Yadda, yadda, yadda, anyhow….

TNG wraps up his tangent and gets back to the point.

TNG:…..it’s only appropriate that I was retained as a backup presenter, especially when you hear what award I’ll be presenting. BREAKOUT STAR OF 2010.

There is a mild pop from the crowd.

TNG: Yep, yep, yep, what-what. So basically I’m presenting an award to…..MYSELF.

That mild pop transforms into a groan.

TNG: I guess that will shorten my acceptance speech significantly. But just for shits and giggles, lets see who else was in the running for this award.

A confident TNG turns his attention to the Cartel-tron which is immediately flooded with the most recent video package churned out by an overworked and severally under-budgeted production staff.

JACKSON ADAMS

The myriad of Jackson Adams accomplishments are condensed into this hype video which features him taking out his frustrations on a long list of rivals. First up are clips of Adams getting the pin and becoming the NEW X-Class Champion. That is followed by an image of him smashing a steel chair directly into Johnny’s skull and eventually capped off with Adams twisting Brooks’ body enough to earn the submission. He is shown standing on the stage, jacket opened and flashing the Submission Title before the video settles on he and Miho Miyazaki jumping Porno Lad backstage.

JON RICH

Jon’s many achievements in the IWC play out in front of a spellbound crowd. Clips taken from his bloody rivalry with Desolation are spliced into shots of Jon celebrating with the N.H.B Title, and hitting Zero with a wild right hand. The final bits of video showcase Jon’s resiliency through images of him nipping up from the canvas, flying high through the air, forcing a grabby Katelyn Parkwood away from his body, and so much more.

TOO MAGNIFICENT

Too Magnificent’s face turns slowly towards the camera, an insidious smirk forming on his face and an intimidating twinkle in his eye. The unpleasant image is just as hard to watch as the footage that follows it, clips of the big man hitting AWOL in the skull with a steel chair, as well as scenes in which Too Magnificent delivers a spinebuster on Psycho putting him through a flaming table. His weapon of choice is made clear to the crowd through a series of shots in which he bashes individuals like Jackson Adams and Axl Evermore in their skulls with a mangled trashcan.

FOX ARCANE

A man with a mouth as big as his paycheck is now shown through a collection of shots where he’s taking it to the air. We see him hitting that sick step up spinal tap as well as flashing the camera a smirk followed by a wink of the eye. There are images of him on the announce table and on the shtick. These scenes are interspersed within footage of Arcane hitting the BME and rolling up River Angelus for a three count.

ZERO

Zero is shown kneeling on the surface of an announce table, hands interlocked over his knees and the crowd going nuts all around him. The music in the background sets the frenetic pace that is matched by the images on screen. Zero is held from a variety of vantage points, but every shot is tied together by the non-stop offense and ingenuity displayed by the enigmatic masked man of mystery. Rather it be the abduction of Alex Ingelson, or the many signs left for Christian Savior, every clip shows why Zero is a force to be reckoned with in the new year.

As the video fades we’re brought back live to the stage where the increasingly unpopular TNG is scratching his head in confusion.

TNG: Huh…..I’m guessing there’s been some kind of computer error that kept my name from being mentioned. Oh well, I’ll get over it, right after I pull this name out of the envelope and show the world who the REAL star of 2010 is gonna be.

The crowd realizes that TNG has set himself up for a huge disappointment, so they now sit back and anxiously anticipate the opportunity to point and laugh. He removes the name from the card and looks at it for a prolonged period, the color in his face beginning to fade.

TNG: The winner is……Jackson Adams

He rips up the card immediately after and throws it into the air like it were confetti. To a mixed reaction Jackson’s music hits and now everyone is forced to await his arrival.

Billy: Are you shitting me? Jackson Adams won? HOW!?! There had to have been voter fraud. I’d rather have seen Jon Rich win this thing than Jackson “I’m a Blond Tool” Adams.

Susie: I like Jackson, we use the same hair dye.

The crowd doesn’t have to wait long to unleash their opinion on Adams. The curtains rip down the middle as the unstable Submission Champion steps through them and pauses on the stage. Instead of bursting with emotion like Katelyn earlier in the night, Adams doesn’t even crack a smile. He looks just as enraged as he did at the start of the night, this award bringing him absolutely no solace whatsoever.

Billy: Look at him, he doesn’t even want the award. Give it to me.

Susie: No me. It’ll go nice with my action figure collection.

TNG is almost too disappointed to think clearly. He holds out the trophy to Jackson, ordering him to take it. In a white hot flash Adams visualizes Orlando’s face on TNG’s body, prompting him to grab the rookie by the wrist and pull him around face first into the set. His skull bounces off of it and his body hits the stage in an unconscious heap.

Mayne: Hahahahahaha….did I just laugh? Dammit!

Susie: Was that supposed to happen?

Mayne: No, Jackson was supposed to come out here, take his trophy, cream his pants and then get the hell out of my sight.

TNG lays on the stage quivering, eyes flickering as he tries to grasp onto one final shred of consciousness. Adams steps right past him to the microphone, taking hold of it and then adjusting so that it’s directly in front of his face.

Jackson: You see this?

The Breakout Star Award is elevated above his head.

Adams: I don’t need this…..

The trophy is sent crashing down into the stage where the head snaps off.

Billy: HEEEEYYY.

Adams: I don’t need validation. The only thing that I NEED is to set the record straight. Not with you people….already tried that…..didn’t take. No, the only thing I want out of tonight, isn’t some cheap, shitty award, it’s a face to face meeting with AWOL!

Billy: Now I know he’s lost his mind.

Jackson: And come hell or high water I will get that meeting.

He shoves the microphone away from his lips and strolls backstage, leaving TNG spread across the concrete beside the mangled Breakout Star award.

Mayne: Jackson coming out, disrespecting the award, beating the hell out of TNG, which even I have to admit was hilarious, and then leaving. This guy is totally classless, believe me, I know sleaze.

Susie: Me too. I did date Porno Lad for a couple months.

Billy: Bite your blasphemous tongue.

To the backstage area Jackson strolls to continue his tirade, still feeding off the emotion of Johnny Kingdom’s attack earlier in the night.

Mayne: I would suggest that somebody get out here already and give Theodore some medical help, but I really don’t care if people just use him as a doormat for the rest of the night.

Susie: Good, I can really use something to get this pooh off the bottom of my shoe.

Someone finally does come from the backstage area to help TNG to his feet but it sure as hell isn’t an EMT. Theodore is propped up by Psycho only to receive a slap to the cheek that sends him plummeting right back down. His body goes rolling across the ramp towards the ring thanks to the sheer velocity of the open hand palm strike.

Billy: TNG being treated like a human piñata. Now Psycho is taking a few swings. I’m betting this has something to do with his vow to hijack the show until Zero answers their challenge.

Susie: Wow, you’re just like Sherlock Holmes. Only far less witty and handsome.

With Billy’s deductive reasoning skills the source of much dialogue the viewers naturally hit mute and just watch as TNG ends up stretched over the mats subjected to a few stomps from Psycho. His hair is grabbed and he’s forced to his feet once more before being rolled into the squared circle where more torture awaits. Just as Psycho enters the ring his partner emerges from backstage, still holding a table in both palms.

Susie: Ewww, nice, Riggs bringing me a new tea table.

Billy: You definitely don’t want a seat at that table, Susie. For one the conversation would just be so drab.

The wood finds itself situated at ringside, Riggs positioning it perfectly then shouting to his partner inside the squared circle. Psycho nods before using his grip on TNG’s hair to pull his head under his seat.

Mayne: This might get a little nasty.

Susie: Seems to be headed in that direction with Teddy’s head rubbing Psycho’s crotch.

Billy: That’s not the type of nast….thanks for just putting that image in my head.

Instead of pleading for his well being the fans are actually encouraging Psycho to put TNG through the table. He looks at them, shrugs, takes TNG up over his shoulders into a crucifix, gets a running start and then sends the human punching bag plummeting through the wood. His body crashes all the way down to the outside mats, having been thoroughly victimized by the scarred behemoth towering above him in the ring.

FANS: HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!

Billy: Now THIS is captivating TV.

TNG lays amongst the broken shards of wood, body just as broken as the table beneath him. Those in attendance are standing and embracing their blood lust, both stunned and exhilarated by the destruction of the rookie. A microphone has now founds its way into Riggs’ hand as he climbs to the apron.

Riggs: Yeah, yeah, Jackson, your not the only one who has something to say to AWOL….

The Painted Warrior slips through the ropes and pats a kneeling Psycho on the shoulder. The former Cartel Champion shivers as his body rushes with endorphins.

Riggs: But that’s a conversation that’ll have to wait. We’ve got someone else to deal with right now……ZERO!

The mere mention of his name sends the crowd into hysterics.

Riggs: We know your somewhere in this building, so come out of whatever dark corner you might be sulking in, and join us in the ring. It’s better that we resolve this now before Psycho and I have to wait.

Riggs kneels down beside Psycho at this point, the two glaring through the ropes to the stage.

Riggs: Don’t make this any harder than it has to be. Come to the ring Zero, we’re not leaving until you do.

Anticipation builds, the crowd wondering if Zero is actually going to accept the invitation.

Billy: Well, is he gonna answer the damn challenge?

Susie: My boobs are supposed to be able to read the future, but they’re not working tonight.

Mayne: Maybe I should adjust the dials for you.

Riggs and Psycho are intent on not leaving the ring until they’re satisfied. Putting TNG through a table was only an appetizer to the banquet about to follow.

TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS, WORKING OVERTIME!

If the crowd didn’t have reason to be upset before, now they have plenty of motivation to go off. Ace Marshall and Porno Lad are once again forced down their throats, the camera showcasing the former Greaternity teammates strolling side by side towards the ring. The two seem to be swept up in a conversation as they proceed towards the ring.

Ace: Are you suicidal? You have too much to live for.

Porno Lad: Listen my devilishly attractive and charming partner, SOMEONE has got to put their foot down around here, and that SOMEONE is gonna be me. I’m fed up with Psycho and Riggs CONSTANTLY threatening us every chance that they get. We need to take a stand…..

Ace: How? By going out there and having our skin removed so that Psycho can turn it into a Halloween mask? No thanks.

Porno Lad tries to calm his partner by placing a hand gently on his shoulder then rationalizing to him.

Porno Lad: Come on Bro, do you honestly think I would go out there if I didn’t have a plan?

Marshall: I don’t see why we just can’t send Christian out there to deal with them.

Porno Lad: That’s your solution for everything. I’ve got this in the bag, Ace, just trust me.

Ace: Yeah, how many times have I heard that before?

Porno Lad: We’ll get this match out of the way, beat Hurse, AGAIN, and humiliate Psycho so that he knows NEVER to mess with us again.

With a pat on the shoulder Porno Lad embarks towards the ring, Ace begrudgingly following behind.

Billy: Ace Marshall and Porno Lad on their way to the ring. Apparently they’re going to get their tag team match against Psycho and Hurse started next. If anyone can stop these sociopaths in the ring, it would be these two.

Susie: Their like the Harlem Globetrotters, only white.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Behold the GREATEST film quote EVER!

PSYCHO & HURSE
VS.
ACE MARSHALL & PORNO LAD

The cameras cut back live to the interior of the Manhattan Center where the disgruntled Psycho and Riggs are waiting. The two remain crouched in the center of the ring, eyes burning a hole through the curtains dangling in the entry way.

Billy: We’re back with Riggs and Psycho STILL hanging out in the ring. I’m surprised they didn’t run for the hills when they saw that Porno Lad and Ace Marshall were on their way out here.

Susie: What hills are there to run towards? We live in a city don’t we? Besides, I hate hills, I keep falling and rolling down them.

Mayne: It was a metaphor, a METAPHOR!!

With microphone squeezed in his hand Psycho begins to speak in a very chilling tone.

Psycho: We’re still waiting Zero. We haven’t gone anywhere, and we won’t until you show up.

His tone never rises or falls, it remains the same as he utters ever bone jingling phrase. Every statement uttered by the loose cannon proves to be nerve grating, especially after what he did to TNG. The rookie is still being assisted up the ramp with the aid of trained EMTS, who pulled him from the wreckage and now take him backstage where the full extent of his injuries can be ascertained.

Psycho: It isn’t wise of you to try and call our bluff, Zero. We never bluff, because we have no reason to. So if you have any…..

HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN

Psycho is finally shocked enough to actually shut up, his eyes widening at the sight of Hurse interrupting him. The Sadistic One shakes his head and whispers to his partner.

Psycho: He should know better.

The fans erupt at the sight of Mr. Parkwood as he steps to the stage and pauses. His head is lowered and his shoulders sunken, looking very sullen. For once the Master of Control isn’t busting with adrenaline or egotism, he looks reserved, almost timid and tense. Nevertheless he progresses onward to the ring, compelled to do so by an unknown force.

Billy: Alright, now I’m almost positive that Hurse has lost all brain function. He must be slower than Mark Comeau.

Susie: I miss Mark.

Mayne: Why? Because he was so nice to you? Newsflash, he put you down more than I do.

Susie: Yes, but he also gave me candy, and his hair smelt like ginger blossoms.

A reluctant partner starts up the stairs and pauses on the apron, paralyzed by fear. He swallows deep and finally begins slipping through the ropes, Psycho standing up to greet him. Riggs vacates the ring on behalf of his tag team partner, leaving Psycho alone with his long time rival.

Billy: I think it was stupid enough for Hurse to challenge the Five Star Society again, given his BROKEN NECK, but now he shows a whole new level of idiocy by entering the ring with Psycho, PSYCHO! I know these two are supposed to be tag team partners tonight but GAWD!

Hurse stands tentatively across from Psycho, who’s head is titled, eyes staring straight into his partner’s intimidated spirit. If anything could unite these two long time rivals it would be the entrance music of one Porno Lad. The moment his entrance tunes, which he recorded himself, play through the PA system the fans rally into an uproar of epic proportions. The mere sight of Ace Marshall and Porno Lad swaggering to the stage almost elicits a riotous reaction from those packed into the Manhattan Center. Thankfully the use of tear gas will not have to be employed, the crowd trying to control themselves even as the Five Star Society members strut past them.

Billy: There they are ladies and gentlemen, THE greatest team EVER assembled. A team so perfect it brings a tear to my eye. If these two were a piece of art they’d be the Mona Lisa, plus they’d probably both shag Mona Lisa. At the same time.

Susie: Porny Porn tried to get me in a three way with Ace once.

Mayne: Really?

Moore: Yep, but Ace is no good at playing Candy Land. He kept flipping the board over.

Mayne: I think we have two entirely different definitions of what a “three way” is.

Psycho crosses his arms and looks around his scheduled tag team partner at the two men he and his age old rival are slated to face. Porno Lad and Ace pause at the end of the ramp now, snapping their fingers to get Hurse’s attention. The sullen Hurse turns to face them, groans and then swings his palm directly into Psycho’s cheek.

Billy: BWAAAAA!?!

The Sadistic One blinks his eyes awkwardly, grabbing at his lip to make sure it isn’t bleeding. From the corner of his eye he glances at the exasperated Parkwood, who is breathing uneasily.

Mayne: Why would he want to slap Psycho?

Susie: Doesn’t everyone?

Billy: True, but he’s purposely setting off a volcano.

Those packed in the stands are still squealing over what they just witnessed. They find themselves positively befuddled by the behavior of Hurse, who may have just screwed himself. Psycho’s response may be delayed but it is still deadly, he reaches out, snatches Hurse around the throat and then heaves him into the air. Parkwood doesn’t even put up a fight as he’s slammed into the canvas with the Redeemer. The sit-out chokebomb leaves him convulsing and writhing across the ring.

Billy: Ha-ha! This couldn’t have worked out any better for the Five Star Society if Carmen Electra were bending over in the ring and not wearing panties.

Susie: Time out, I’m confused…..

Billy: When aren’t you?

Moore: Good point, and now I’m confused about why I was confused in the first place.

Mayne: And the cycle continues.

Psycho rolls away from Hurse, seething over the audacity of that slap. Ultimately he stands up and backs away, ultimately slipping through the ropes and dropping to the mats right beside an approving Riggs. The Sadistic One decides the best means of revenge would to be allow Hurse to get pinned by the very people he’s so desperately sought revenge upon. At the behest of Porno Lad, Ace slides into the ring this point and then into a lateral press on Hurse, hooking his leg. Parkwood doesn’t fight back whatsoever as the referee, Fitzpatrick, hustles down the ramp and slides into the ring.

Porno Lad slaps the apron and then points to the pin, demanding that Fitzpatrick follow orders. The ref calls for the bell to start the match, drops to the canvas, slaps the ring and then hops right back up and motions for the bell AGAIN.

1

2

3

Porno Lad and Ace are victorious, Hurse putting up no defense whatsoever against the pin.

Billy: Ace wins! I better get use to saying that.

Susie: Awwww, poor Hursey, he never had a shot. At least his hair looked nice.

A huge celebration commences as Ace rolls out of the ring and jumps into Porno Lad’s arms, the two hopping up and down. This showboating leaves the crowd thoroughly repulsed, now searching for their complimentary barf bags.

Mayne: The Five Star Society get one over on Hurse AGAIN. I hope he’ll learn his lesson already, otherwise he’s going to be jobbing to the FSS until he falls over dead in the center of that ring.

Hurse rolls unconsciously across the canvas, gripping at the back of his head and neck with both hands. He spills under the ropes and tumbles to the outside mats, landing on his knees. The Sadistic One and The Painted Warrior watch on, heads shaking and arms still crossed. Clearly Psycho didn’t care about such trivial things as victory. His only concern tonight is destroying Zero and anyone who gets in the way of accomplishing that.

Hurse continues to rub at his injured neck as he kneels on the mats and glances at the celebrating Five Star Society members. Porno Lad is now in the process of giving him a huge thumbs up.

Mayne: Another win for the Society, they’re just like Jean Claude Van Damme in Universal Soldier, their unstoppable killing machines! Just with less emphasis on the killing part.

Susie: Too bad they don’t look like Jean Claude Van Damme. Well, before he got strung out on coke.

All a bitter Hurse can do is watch as the celebration proceeds.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

A sullen, reserved Patrick James Evans is seated on a chair in the midst of a lockeroom. He leans forward, elbows pressed to his knees, hands interlocked in front of his mouth. The challenger for the Cartel Championship seems to be in deep thought, mulling over what’s to be done about Christian Savior tonight. He seems to be contemplating what method he’ll employ to capture the gold from the very rambunctious champion. The sound of distant voices can be heard filtering into the dressing room.

You should be totally amped chief. We got the win, it’s all that matters.

Yeah, true, but…..

But NOTHING….

The door opens and in waltzes Jon Rich and Axl Evermore. The N.H.B Champion cuts Jon off before he can make another step and notice Evans eavesdropping.

Axl: You should realize by now that there’s no such thing as a “CLEAN” win here in the IWC, so just be happy with what you get. Rather it be a win through disqualification, or maybe a win through a roll up, or even in your case, a victory via motorboating some tity. Wait, wait, why are you complaining again?

Jon thinks about it for a moment.

Evermore: Just forget it Jon, bottom line is this. It doesn’t matter HOW we won, what’s important is that we DID win, and that we will soon be the IWC Tag Team Champions…..GUARANTEED!

Jon: I guess you do have a point, plus you worked your catchphrase in there nicely, so can’t argue with that.

Axl: Yes…..

The sound of clapping forces both Rich and Evermore to cease conversing and start staring in the direction of Evans. He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, a look of utter contempt on his face.

Jon: Ooooh great. Here comes Pat’s version of a pep-talk.

Evermore: Yeah, the only thing he can motivate you to do is commit suicide.

Evans: Gentlemen, gentlemen please, I didn’t break into your lockeroom for the purposes of another speech.

Both Rich and Evermore do a double take.

Rich: Is the sky falling?

Pat: No, it isn’t like your credibility.

The grin fades from Rich’s face, especially as Evans rises from the chair and approaches him.

Evans: Frankly there’s only one way to salvage any credibility you have left, and it isn’t by hanging out with a man who’s “content” with motorboating his way to victory.

Axl: I wouldn’t say I’m content with it. And uhhhh, yeah, weren’t you trying to get Rich to hit Zero with a chain at the pay-per-view in order to win?

Pat: That was merely a test. One that Rich FAILED, no thanks to your influence.

Jon: I’m sorry, but didn’t you say something about NOT giving a speech?

Pat: All I want to do is offer up a suggestion.

Rich rolls his eyes and rubs the patch of flesh joining together his pupils.

Rich: I DON’T CARRRRREEE.

Evans: Well you should in order to spare what’s left of your credibility.

Jon: And how do I accomplish this?

Evans: Simple. Name me as your tag team partner when you challenge for the titles.

Evermore: HA!

Axl doubles over, holding his ribs due to the gut splitting hilarity of Evans’ comments.

Evermore: Oh wait, you’re serious?

Pat: Of course I am. Listen Jon, your never going to be a Tag Team Champion, or any type of champion hanging out with this guy…..

Axl: Says the man who doesn’t have a championship about the man who does.

Axl raises the N.H.B belt and taps it with the tip of his finger.

Pat: Says the man who knows how to work the system so that he GETS what he WANTS. I didn’t even win that four way at Extinction and yet I STILL got my one on one match with Christian tonight.

Evermore: Yeah, only took you a year.

Pat: Only because I was bidding my time, waiting patiently for the perfect opportunity to STRIKE and take Christian’s most prized possession. That’ll happen tonight. See, unlike Axl, I’m no mindless brute, I’m a strategizer, a planner.

Jon sighs as he continues listening to this bickering between Evermore and Evans.

Evans: Which is why Rich should kick YOU to the side and name ME his partner/advisor. With my guidance he’ll not only be Tag Team Champion, but by the end of 2010 he’ll hold the World Heavyweight title.

Axl: I guess it’s true what they say, those who can’t do TEACH. Your delusional Evans, DE-LUS-IONAL! You’ve done a big fat nothing with your career here in the IWC, while I’ve won the Cartel Title, Submission Title, and N.H.B Title.

Pat: Yes, only because you’re concerned with YOUR career and only YOUR career. I put others before myself. I MADE Christian Savior the World Heavyweight Champion. I sacrificed everything to ensure that the Conspiracy was THE dominant faction, and that Christian remained the champ. I can do the same for Rich, he’s got all the talents, he’s just lacking that animal within, that win at all cost frame of mind. I’ll help him TRANSCEND all the limitations and restrictions that society has placed upon him. I’ll open his eyes….

Evermore: Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, we’ve heard this all before. You’ve wasted so much precious oxygen trying to “convert” Rich, but he isn’t listening, he’s NEVER listened. He knows that I’M the KING-MAKER. You’re not going to drive a wedge between us, no matter how hard you try….

Evans: That’s not what this is about.

Evermore: Of course it is, don’t lie to yourself Pat….

Pat: I’M NOT. Jon knows my true motives, he knows I’m only here to help.

Axl’s hand enough with this same circular argument.

Axl: Jon, please tell this idiot that…..Jon?

Both Evans and Evermore twist and turn, but there is no sight of Rich anywhere in the lockeroom. His bag is missing and the door is slowly closing.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Small-screen Epic-ness

2009 YEAR END AWARDS

In spite of the fact that Riggs and Psycho still pose quite a hazard in the ring the show must go on. The duo that refers to themselves as the Religion of the Lost Cause are almost offended that the IWC is continuing with this awards ceremony, especially after what they did to the last presenter.

Billy: Why do I hear that generic Golden Globe rip off tune? Is Orlando Cruze really stupid enough to keep this show running? Did he not see what happened to that Theodore guy, or does he just not care?

Susie: I think it’s a little from column A and a little from column B.

Billy: This is just like dangling a pound of raw meat over an ocean full of sharks. It’s asking for trouble. In my opinion the whole show should just be cancelled.

Susie: Because your worried, or because you weren’t nominated for any awards?

Mayne: I should have been nominated. Get the camera on me so everyone can see my pouty face and my shaking fist.

Moore: And at the same time they can see my glorious breasts.

The judgmental eyes of Psycho and Riggs watch on from the ring with apathy as an unexpected figure makes his way to the stage. Instead of any mentally challenged or nudist presenters moving to the podium the crowd is treated to the sight of Fox Arcane. Eyebrows arch in the crowd and in the ring as Fox gingerly steps to the podium and retrieves the cracked Breakout Star in 2010 award from the stage.

Billy: What in the same hell is Fox Arcane doing out here?

Susie: Bringing sexy back?

Billy: It looks to me like he’s taking that Breakout Star trophy.

The crowd finally realizes what Arcane is doing as he wipes away a fake tear and dredges up some emotion.

Fox: I know everyone is expecting me to come out here and give some sob speech about what it means to win this award…..

Mayne: But he didn’t win the award. Oh well, I guess it’s better than Jackson Adams holding it.

Arcane: But that ain’t gonna happen.

The fake emotion is gone and now Arcane produces a cheesy grin.

Arcane: I knew I was going to win here tonight, so this comes as absolutely no surprise to me.

The vast majority of those in the audience are now viciously booing Arcane who is accepting the award despite not having won it.

Fox: When your as good….no, no…..GREAT as I am, you get use to receiving trophies and championships, there’s no real shock value anymore. Sure I was a little surprised when it appeared that the voting results had been tampered with, and the wrong name was announced as the winner of this award, but mistakes can only be expected in such a second rate federation.

The jeers only grow louder.

Arcane: But I’m here now to rectify these egregious errors by accepting this award as the RIGHTFUL Break Out Star in 2010. I mean, come on, it’s already a foregone conclusion isn’t it? Everyone knows that my abs are NEVER gonna be naked of title gold in the new year.

Riggs: Fox, ooooh Fooooooxxx.

Arcane does not take kindly to being interrupted, his eyes burning a hole into Riggs’ painted face. The X-Class Champion paces back and forth in the ring, holding a mic to his lips.

Riggs: I see that your really good at accepting things you haven’t earned, like trophies, or victories….

Fox is annoyed by such an insinuation.

Riggs: But how about you actually try to EARN something by merit of SKILL. How about you come down that ramp, enter this ring with me and we get our X-Class Title match outta the way RIGHT NOW.

The crowd pops, taking an immediate liking to this suggestion.

Billy: Good, Riggs eager to do some ass kicking and I don’t blame him.

The pacing Riggs continues.

Riggs: And then, once I’m through with you, Psycho and I will place our undivided attention on making Zero’s life miserable. So what do you say Kid? How about you TRY to back up your statements about being a champion in the new year? Here’s your opportunity, Fox, here’s your GOLDEN opportunity.

The mic is tossed to the floor and Riggs lifts his X-Class title belt, gesturing to it several times to entice Arcane. It doesn’t take much bait to get Fox hooked.

Fox: You, me, for the title?

He gestures between himself and the nodding Riggs.

Arcane: Sure, why not? I’ve got some spare time to kill, and might as well as get an early start to my resolution to be DA CHAMP.

He places his stolen trophy on the podium and commences towards the ring.

RIGGS © VS. FOX ARCANE

Billy: How many braincells do you think Fox has in his head accepting this challenge from Riggs?

Susie: I think Fox is the smartest man I know. From what Michelle told me, he’s really well endowed, so that must make him a genius.

Mayne: Well if that were true, I’d be a rogue scholar. Which I am, so yeah, I guess it is true. Anyway we’re getting this match underway, but more importantly, we’re getting it out of the way. Riggs challenged Arcane, he accepted, X-Class Title on the line.

The bell doesn’t even have a chance to sound before Riggs charges at Arcane on the apron. Fox’s focus shifts back to the ring where he spots the inbound Riggs, prompting him to leap to the top rope, springing off of it. He flies right over the body of the champion, lands on his feet and then cartwheels over across the canvas. Fox ends up facing the back of his opponent but not for long.

The fired up Riggs turns around and barrels straight at him only for Fox to flip forward, land on one foot and use the other to kick his opponent square in the chest. The crowd pops at the sight of Arcane’s highly unusual offense.

Billy: What tha hell was that? I’ve never seen someone use their feet like that before and I’m on the internet every night looking up fetish videos.

Susie: I was in one of those videos once. I don’t get the big deal though, all they made me do was drink something out of a glass.

The Painted Warrior is just as shocked as the fans as he hits the canvas and grabs at his sternum. Shortly after hitting the ring he rolls across it, trying to evade Arcane who is currently preoccupied with hyping up the crowd. Some cheer his athletic kick, others jeer his arrogance.

Riggs gets to his feet with his back pressed to the ropes, eyes wide and jaw slightly dropped, stunned by what just transpired. Psycho is feeding him advise from the outside of the ring while making punching gestures, slamming his fist into his palm.

Billy: Don’t give Fox time to build momentum, get on him, get on him quickly you Rocky Horror Picture Show reject.

The Champion overcomes his surprise and now rushes up behind the still showboating Arcane. He throws a lariat straight at the back of his head only for Arcane to duck it with near super human reflexes. The momentum of Riggs’ attempted lariat carries him into a full spin, turning back to face Fox who leaps into the air, landing right on top of his shoulders for the hurricarana.

Riggs wedges his hands to the back of Fox’s thighs though and counters, pushing up on his legs and as thus sending him flipping backwards. Shockingly Arcane lands on his feet and then leaps into the air and delivers a dropsault to the inbound sternum of his opponent. Riggs tumbles to the ring and the fans come out of their seats at the sight of another acrobatic kick from the extremely flexible Arcane.

Susie: I wonder if Fox is secretly Jean Claude Van Damme or something.

Mayne: Never compare the awesomeness of Jean Claude to Arcane ever, EVER!

The force of the dropkick has leveled Riggs but he quickly rushes back to his feet, the X-Class Champion desperate to get back on the advantage. He stands just as the challenger drops down on top of his cranium and flips up to his feet, Arcane going for a headstand nip up into the lariat. Riggs dives forward to avoid it, going for a clothesline to Fox’s ankles only to have Arcane land on his feet and then flip over the arm of his opposition. He lands on his feet with the grace of a cat while Riggs stands behind him and turns directly into a Pele Kick. The top of Riggs’ skull is almost caved in one Arcane’s boot connects with it.

Susie: Fox is just so flexible, and muscular, and handsome, and uhhh ohhh, I need a bucket.

Billy: Yeah I’m gonna need one too, for my vomit.

The veteran X-Class Champion employs the wisest strategy imaginable, he bails from the ring. Psycho is right there to greet Riggs on the outside mats, shouting at the Painted Warrior as he leans on the apron for support.

The look on Riggs’ face shows just how stunned he is by the offensive flurry and the incredibly quick feet of his opponent. Obviously he had not counted on this level of competition from Arcane, who is now twisting around in the ring with the most pompous of pompous smirks on his face.

Mayne: Get back in there and wipe that grin off of his face. I hate to see anyone as happy as I am.

Susie: Is that why you do commentary, Bill? To make people miserable through listening to your voice?

Mayne: Hey, I take enough abuse from Katie Steward.

The referee is in the process of counting to ten, threatening to disqualify Riggs who is in desperate need of a breather. Once he’s gotten a new strategy in mind Riggs rolls back into the ring, resting on a knee and glaring at Fox who is anxious to continue this match.

He finally starts to stand up but Arcane has had enough waiting. He storms towards Riggs who stands and drives a knee directly into the ribs of his encroaching prey. Arcane doubles over as Riggs quickly takes him around the back of the head and drops to his seat, attempting a modified jaw breaker. Arcane gets his hands under his chin though and blocks the move, causing Riggs to land hard on his posterior with nothing to show for his troubles.

Arcane now back flips and lands on his feet a few inches separated from his seated opposition, giving himself just enough room to build some forward momentum. He charges forward only to have Riggs get his feet up into the air and wedge them directly to Arcane’s ribs, monkey flipping him over.

To the surprise of the crowd Fox counters the monkey flip by getting his hands down and placing them on the canvas, allowing him to cartwheel out of it and land on his feet. His momentum carries him spine first into the cables, bouncing off and coming back in at the champion who log rolls into his legs.

Once again Fox is forced to change up his gameplan, leaping over Riggs and ducking his head into a forward roll across the canvas.

Billy: This guy is like premature ejaculation, there’s just no stopping him.

Susie: You know a lot about premature ejaculation?

Mayne: Uh, NO! But I have a friend who has a problem with that. His name is TJ Johnson, hahahaha.

Arcane continues to roll before eventually ending up on his feet. He turns around to face Riggs and then cartwheels across the canvas yet again to give him the proper angle to leap from his feet and surely hit some type of dazzling aerial move. As soon as he lands from the cartwheel however, Riggs connects with a corkscrew kick that nails him directly to the face. The blow knocks Arcane off of his feet and down to the canvas.

Billy: It’s about time.

An emotionless Riggs rises to his feet and snatches hold of Fox’s hair, employing it to force him up to his feet. Almost immediately Riggs wraps his arms around Fox’s waist and falls in reverse, delivering the Back Drop Driver. Arcane crashes right across the back of his head and shoulders, bending his neck at a very disturbing angle.

The collision sends him popping up to his seat with his eyes entirely glossed over and saliva seeping from the pockets of his mouth. Riggs stands up slowly at this point and then comes barreling towards the still seated Arcane, delivering a straight soccer kick to his chest, knocking him to his spine.

Riggs falls down onto him and nonchalantly goes for the pin.

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Arcane kicks out, keeping alive his X-Class Championship ambitions. He grabs at his chest which must feel fractured after the impact from the kick but he should have been fighting off the hands of his adversary. Riggs grabs Arcane’s extremely blond hair, forces him up to his feet and then charges him across the ring. Before Arcane can do anything about it his face is being slammed into the top turnbuckle pad.

Billy: Riggs is very good at using the ring as a weapon.

Susie: Really?

Mayne: I don’t fucking know. I’m just assuming.

Susie: It’s okay, that’s what I do all the time.

Billy: Yeah, in between crossing and uncrossing your legs.

Fox’s face bounces from the turnbuckle while Riggs spins him around and traps his head in what appears to be a neck cravat. He then barrels across the ring, forcing Arcane along behind him as the two near the diagonal corner. Riggs drops to his knees and pulls the challenger down face first into the second turnbuckle pad, using his skull like a battering ram.

Fox bounces off of the corner and flies back, hitting the ring then rolling to the center.

Mayne: By the end of this match I don’t think Fox is going to be picking up any honeys, his face is gonna be all kinds of mangled. He’ll come out of this looking worse than that guy who runs SCW.

Susie: Who runs SCW?

Mayne: Again, I have no clue, nor do I want to.

After having his skull rattled Fox finds himself tasked with the burden of trying to reach his feet despite his equilibrium issues. The flexible challenger reaches his feet and turns just as Riggs rushes out of the corner and takes him around the neck once again.

Riggs has him in the neck cravat before rushing at the corner, about to slam his skull against it once again. Arcane has an answer for this time though, reaching out and wrapping his arms around Riggs’ waist before falling backwards. He pulls Riggs down into a reverse roll up where Arcane ends up seated across the back of the Champion’s thighs, folding him up and pressing his shoulders to the ring.

Billy: Arcane may have caught him and saved us all from the abuse of having to watch him wrestle any longer.

Susie: You find this abusive? Obviously you’ve never watched a full episode of Tellitubies.

Billy: No, but I’m sure you have.

Moore: Of course, I have every season on Blue Ray.

Billy: I weep for whoever signs your paychecks.

The heartbeats of those packed in the stands are racing as the official slaps the canvas.

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Riggs kicks out and in the process sends Fox tumbling forward. He ducks his head however and rolls across the canvas, ending up straight on his feet. The Challenger twists towards his painted and now upright opponent, leaping forward into a pump kick. Riggs is quick enough to avoid the boot of his Challenger, ducking and rushing into the cables behind him.

Fox has just enough time to spin around and watch Riggs spring from the middle rope, transition in mid-air and almost cave in his face with a springboard buzzsaw kick.

Susie: CREAM CHEESE!

Billy: That was a nasty kick. It should put this match away.

On the outside of the ring Psycho is nodding his head in approval, believing that his partner has all but secured victory. Riggs looks to guarantee his win by way of the pinfall, climbing onto Arcane and hooking his leg.

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NYOOO! Arcane’s shoulder escapes the canvas and fights its way out from under Riggs.

Mayne: Son of a…..do something to end this already, Riggs.

Susie: Why do you suddenly not like Fox Arcane?

Billy: Because his one liners were better than mine while he was on commentary, plus I have to hate someone, and Fox is in the ring, so…..yeah.

Susie: Alright, then I’ll hate Riggs.

Billy: More power to ya.

The anxious fans now watch as Riggs grabs the wrist of his Challenger, using it to tug him up to his feet where he quickly applies a front chancery. Before Arcane can even think of a counter he’s lifted into the air, held upside down for several seconds so that the blood can rush to his skull then planted to the ring with a jackhammer. Riggs comes down right on top of him into the pinfall, forearm grating against his opponent’s face for good measure.

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Arcane kicks out once more much to the dismay of his adversary. In a fury Riggs grabs Fox by the hair, forces him up to his feet and then places him in a front chancery before shouting the words no competitor likes to hear.

Riggs: BRAINBUSTER!

Billy: Here we go, Riggs about to end it by stealing a page out of Johnny Kingdom’s book.

Susie: He wrote a book? I hope it’s a pop up.

Riggs lifts Arcane up into the air only for Fox to shock the world by freeing his head and flipping forward. His legs land right on top of Riggs’ shoulders as he now drops back in an attempt to counter with a hurricarana. Riggs refuses to let that happen, planting his feet and allowing his opponent to hang upside down from his neck.

With all the strength that Riggs can muster he pulls Arcane back up into a powerbomb predicament but then throws him up into the air and twists him around. Fox comes down on top of his shoulder, Riggs turning towards the center of the ring and getting a running start for the Hopscotch.

Mayne: Excellent.

Riggs is on the verge of nailing his finishing move when Fox suddenly slips off of his shoulder, twists around, catches him around the neck and counters into a DDT. The Champion’s skull crashes into the canvas and he flops to his back to a loud reaction from the crowd.

Susie: Ewww, that was fun.

Billy: No it wasn’t. Fox had no right to counter that move, no right at all.

Once again Psycho watches on with anger, not liking how the tide of this match has taken such a drastic turn. Fox quickly reaches his feet and rushes at the nearest turnbuckle, lunging to the middle rope and then the top one before flipping over backwards into the BME. He crashes down right on top of Riggs, resulting in a loud pop from the sold out crowd.

Arcane remains stretched over Riggs’ sternum at this point going for the pin.

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Just seconds before a new champion could be crowned Riggs launches his shoulder from the ring.

Mayne: That made my heart flutter for a second.

Susie: My heart does that every time Arcane bends over.

Mayne: You repulse me.

Fox may be flabbergasted that he didn’t pick up the win but it doesn’t stop him from jumping over Riggs and continuing into the cables once again. The crowd is amazed as Arcane goes for another double jump moonsault, leaping from the top rope and flipping over backwards.

This time his opponent clears out of the way though, forcing Fox to change up his gameplan, landing straight on his feet. Riggs has rolled to an upright base as well and is now leaping to the middle rope, springing off and twisting around into a flying soccer kick. On this occasion his boot misses its mark, Fox rolling under his leg and then standing up behind him.

Riggs lands right in front of Fox who quickly leaps into the air, landing on his shoulders. Arcane is on the verge of dropping back into an inverted hurricarana only to have Riggs wedge his hands to the thighs of his opponent and lift him from his shoulders.

Arcane lands on the canvas right in front of Riggs who takes him around the neck, bends his head over backwards then lifts him up into a reverse suplex. Riggs allows him to fall out of this position and land right on top of his shoulder.

Mayne: He’s got him up for his finishing move again. At least I think this is his finishing move, let me check this cheat sheet I brought with me.

Susie: That’s not a cheat sheet silly Billy, that’s a Playboy.

Mayne: Yeah, and I’ll get far more amusement out of it.

The crowd squeals as they realize that Riggs is moments away from delivering his patented Hopscotch and sealing Fox’s fate. Arcane isn’t about to go down without a fight, twisting his body once again and attempting to escape his predicament. He slips off of Riggs’ shoulder and swings around for what appears to be another DDT counter, but the game of chess continues as the champion reserves with a counter of his own. He catches Fox around the back of the head, drops to his seat and delivers the sit-out jawbreaker.

Billy: Okay, maybe it’s the bottle of Vodka I have under the announce table talking, but I have to admit that was impressive.

Moore: I have a bag of gummy worms under my side of the table.

The Challenger’s jaw bounces from the top of Riggs’ head and in almost a zombie-esque state he goes stumbling backwards into the ropes. The very dazed Arcane ricochets from the ropes and comes back in at Riggs who boots him to the ribs, takes him around the neck, heaves him into the air and delivers the brainbuster, dropping him straight on top of his skull.

Mayne: There’s the Brainbustah!

Moving as quickly as possible Riggs climbs into the cover. Some fans cheer, others boo as the official’s hand slaps the canvas, possibly drawing this match to an end.

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Riggs is just about to celebrate with his title before Arcane kicks out. The referee stands up and informs everyone that this bout is still going, which has Psycho exploding with rage at ringside. He steps forward and slaps the canvas with both hands before pointing into the ring at referee Wright, the very man he put out of action several weeks ago.

The official tries to pay little attention to Psycho and his threats before Riggs steps up into his face, forcing him to deal with the situation. Wright repeatedly informs Riggs that his count was unbiased but the Painted Warrior has a hard time swallowing or digesting this claim.

Billy: I hope he takes out this snooty ref.

Susie: I hope so to, he can take him to the Olive Garden.

Billy: That’s not….I can see why Mark Comeau just stopped trying to explain things to you. I’d have an easier time teaching a monkey to drive a car then explaining to you the difference between literal and metaphorical.

Susie: Hehehehe, a monkey driving a car, that would be AWESOME!

Billy: Your useless.

Although he may be flustered with the referee’s inability to count to three Riggs tries to maintain his focus on his opponent. He moves in and goes for the kill, grabbing Arcane around the neck and forcing him up off of the canvas. Although Fox’s legs fill like jelly he is still able to put some pressure on them, just enough to stay upright as his arms are hooked.

Riggs spins around so his back is facing the nearest turnbuckle, stepping towards it with his opponent still trapped in the double underhook DDT position.

The excitement builds in the crowd as they realize that Riggs is about to hit that extreme DDT from the top rope. Although they are denied such a disturbing visual their adrenaline is still pumping when Fox provides a counter, twisting his body and falling to the canvas, in the process hooking Riggs’ arm and throwing him across the ring. The arm drag sends Riggs rolling forward, eventually ending up on his feet with just enough time to spot Arcane barreling towards him.

Riggs quickly steps forward, catches Fox with a tilt a whirl and positions him right on top of his shoulder.

Billy: This one trick pony going for his….well….one trick.

Susie: I have more than one trick, I’m an amateur magician. Just watch as I make you disappear by reciting this magical phrase. Peak-a-boo.

Mayne: Your just holding your hands over your eyes.

Susie: But it works, you disappeared, it’s magical, magically delicious!

The stunned crowd watches on as Riggs steps forward to deliver the Hopscotch only to have Fox slip off of his shoulders once again. He twists around and slides down Riggs’ back before catching him around the waist, delivering a sunset flip.

Mayne: Another counter into the….yikes!

Riggs rolls backwards out of the sunset flip to his feet and then leaps forward into the shinning wizard. His shin nails Fox to the temple and takes the challenger to his back, the champion crawling onto him for the pin.

Billy: He’s got this one sewed up tighter than a virgin’s cooch.

Official Wright once again drops into position, slapping the canvas with the stunned crowd counting along.

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Psycho is about to grab the X-Class Title from the time keeper but is stunned when he doesn’t hear the bell chiming. He looks back towards the ring where Arcane has defied the odds by kicking out once more.

Billy: Is this for real? Tell me he didn’t kick out again.

Susie: I could, but that would make me a liar. And my mother always told me that liars turn into midgets. Of course she also told me it was safe to play on the roof and take my television in the bathtub with me.

The excitement builds in the arena as Riggs finds himself at his wits end. Finally he slaps the canvas, reaches his feet and approaches the nearby turnbuckle, beginning to climb it. He slips through the ropes to the apron and scales the corner while the masses watch on teeming with anxiety.

Mayne: Yeah, that’s real smart. You’ve got your opponent down and yet your going to the top rope. Did any of these guys make it past the third grade?

Susie: I did, and in a few more years I should reach the fourth.

With paint chipping from his fatigued features Riggs ascends the turnbuckle all the way to the top rope. The pace of this X-Class Title bout is beginning to catch up with him though, slowing him down as he plants his feet on the uppermost cable. He sluggishly stands tall and prepares for the senton bomb only to look up just in time to see Arcane kick his legs right out from under him. Fox hit the jumping back heel kick to Riggs’ ankle, causing him to plunge testicles first into the top rope.

Billy: Ewww, yeesh. I sincerely hope Riggs didn’t have anything conjugal planned for after the show. No need to stop by the pharmacy and buy hand lotion tonight.

A groan escapes from Riggs’ wincing features while his exhausted opponent takes him by the wrist and begins dragging him off of the turnbuckle. He pulls Riggs’ head down and wraps his arm around his neck, setting up for what appears to be the Tower of London neck breaker.

He rushes out of the corner, dragging Riggs off of the turnbuckle and preparing to shatter his neck with the maneuver. However, Riggs slips out of his hands and lands on his feet right behind Arcane. He now reaches out, takes the Challenger around the waist and lifts him up for a back drop suplex only to have Fox counter.

Arcane floats over the shoulder, flipping back and landing on his feet behind Riggs. The Champion spins around in shock as Fox leaps into the air, takes him around the neck and sets for a diamond cutter only to be shoved off.

The Challenger is sent charging into the turnbuckle before he reaches out, grabs the top rope and springs off of the middle cable. His body does almost a headstand on the top turnbuckle pad as Riggs charges in underneath of him. The acrobatic Arcane twists his body like a corkscrew and comes down on top of his opponent’s lower back, wrapping his legs around it and then pulling him down into another sunset flip variation.

Mayne: He may have stolen this just like Katelyn Parkwood stole my virginity…..wait….now I’ve said too much.

Susie: It’s okay, Katelyn Parkwood also stole my virginity.

Billy: Really?

Susie: No, I was just trying to make you feel better about being a slut.

The exhilarated crowd watches as the official’s hand slaps the canvas.

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Riggs kicks out and rolls backwards to his feet before leaping forward into another shinning wizard. Fox falls to his back and causes his opponent to miss, Riggs landing with his back aimed towards Arcane. Fox reaches up, hooks his hands around Riggs’ hips and then uses this grip to bridge himself up to his feet. He wedges his back to Riggs’ and then hooks both armpits, pulling him down into a backslide pin.

Mayne: This might be it again, why must they keep playing with my emotions?

The referee’s hand swats the ring to great deal of fanfare.

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Again Riggs kicks out, dropping over to his knees and then reaching out and hooking both of Fox’s arms. He stands up and lifts Fox up high before delivering an elevated double arm DDT. Arcane’s skull is driven forcefully into the ring, his body flopping over onto his back.

Billy: Thing Zeus or whatever comic book God you pray to, because this match looks to have FINALLY come to an end.

Susie: I pray to Yoda.

Unfortunately for Riggs fatigue is setting in, causing him to crawl into the cover a little slower than usual. He hooks both legs, all but sure that victory is within his grasp.

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The referee’s hand never hits the canvas a third time because the Challenger remains just that, the Challenger by virtue of ANOTHER kick out.

Billy: UUUUUGH!

Psycho stews at ringside, cracking his knuckles in anticipation of getting his hands on the official for what he deems to be another slow count. Unbeknownst to the overly aggression psychopath, the very masked individual he’s been looking for all night has emerged from the sea of humanity. The fans are going nuts as Zero steps right past them and now climbs up onto the barricade, balancing himself out with the aid of a few shoulders.

Susie: Is it trick or treating time already? I always like having an excuse to dress in my pink Power Rangers costume.

Billy: No, that’s that damn meddlesome Zero. Of course he’d only have the balls to show up when Psycho’s back was turned.

Zero remains on the barrier for only a second before he leaps off and plants both feet between Psycho’s shoulder blades. The force of the basement dropkick sends Psycho barreling face first into the exposed steel turnbuckle post. His skull ricochets and his body collapses to the mats amongst a piercing roar from the crowd.

Billy: HEY! He can’t do that. No man attacks Psycho, especially from behind, not even if its in a prison shower.

The Sadistic One grabs at his face thanks to that vicious impact while Zero stands up eying him through the slits of his mask. Without uttering a word Zero climbs up onto the apron, continuing to glare at Psycho all the while. His focus on Psycho proves costly however, as Riggs rushes across the ring and dropkicks the shin of the distracted enigma. Zero twists and crashes down face first into the apron, ultimately ending up stretched across the very mats where Psycho is laying.

Mayne: That’s how you deal with him Riggs, that’s how you take care of a pest.

Susie: Wouldn’t a mouse trap work better?

Riggs rises to his feet and grimaces at the sight of Zero stretched across the mats. He slowly turns around at this point only to find himself heaved into the air and onto the shoulder of Fox Arcane who then plants him with the Hopscotch.

Mayne: WHOA! Arcane is a thief!

Susie: An attractive thief at that. He’s like Kim Bassinger in the Real McCoy.

Billy: She was hot in that movie.

Moore: What movie?

Mayne: The Real McCoy.

Susie: Never seen it.

The crowd watches on in shock after seeing Arcane use what he calls the Mirror, Mirror, planting Riggs to the canvas where he quickly pins him. Both legs of the Painted Warrior are hooked and the fans chant along with each slap of the canvas.

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The fans have an orgasm over this shocking title change.

Billy: WHAT!?! HUH!?! HOW!?! HEY!

Susie: HONG KONG FUEY!

The eruption of cheers continues as Arcane rolls to his knees and produces a grin foul enough to melt the aluminum siding off a house. The X-Class Title belt is draped across his forearms and then slowly raised to his forehead. He presses the side of his cheek against the golden plate and rocks with the title, embracing his newly won gold.

Mayne: We have a new X-Class Champion? How in the hell did Fox pull this off?

Susie: Well first he died his hair blond, then he found a mirror and realized just how handsome he was, then he went to a dentist to give the world’s most perfect teeth, plus I’m sure he trained a little….

Mayne: In the words of my Goddess, who is a real commentator by the way, “if I want an explanation I’ll dream it up in my head.”

Susie: Then he went on the Atkins diet…

Billy: I can’t believe Fox has just won the X-Class Title. Oh well, might as well as jump on his bandwagon now.

Arcane rolls out of the ring and casually throws the X-Class Title over his shoulder, acting as if winning the belt was no big dealio. The crowd continues to cheer for him nevertheless, putting their palms together for the departing newly crowned X-Class Champion. Meanwhile inside of the ring Riggs is sitting up, his ears burning with the lyrics of Fox’s entrance music. At first he thinks his ears are playing tricks on him before his eyes confirm that Fox has taken his championship.

Vengeance on Arcane will be had but right now the focus of the Lost Cause is placed primarily on Zero. Psycho forces the masked man to his feet and then inserts him into the ring where he ends up rolling towards the Painted Warrior.

THE RUNNER UP PRIZE

Billy: I think Riggs and Psycho are about to more than make up for the loss of the X-Class Title.

Susie: How? Did they find something else bright and shinny? Something with glitter maybe?

Mayne: No, but what they have found is Zero.

Susie: He’s not sparkly at all.

Arcane could care less about what happens to Zero, too busy celebrating with his new championship belt. He steps through the curtains and leaves Zero behind to suffer at the hands of the Sadistic One and the Painted Warrior. Riggs doesn’t wait long to begin working him over. He grabs Zero around the neck, forces him up to his feet and immediately jabs him across the forehead. The blow sends him tumbling down to the canvas. The enigmatic masked man rolls across it to his knees before he is drilled to the skull with a running boot from Psycho.

The strike almost shatters his cheekbone and sends him tumbling to his back.

Billy: They’re gonna make Zero into a stain on the canvas. Although he’s already use to being a stain, on the IWC in general.

Susie: I get stains all the time, usually of the white milky variety on my dresses.

Mayne: Make sure you don’t leave them anywhere that Kenneth Star can find them. Wow, that’s the second Clinton, Monika Lewinsky joke made tonight, I guess they really don’t get old.

That face first collision with the apron has left Zero seriously shaken up and incapable of defending himself against the ongoing onslaught. Riggs has taken around the jaw and leads him to his feet before eventually situating him on his shoulder. With no delay or showmanship Riggs plants Zero as forcefully as he can into the canvas with the Hopscotch, almost debilitating his back in the process.

The force of Zero’s collision with the canvas sends him popping up to his seat where Psycho takes over. He drops down behind his masked opponent, lifts his elbow and begins drilling him to the temple and cheek with the MMA elbows.

Billy: Psycho hits those elbows WAY better than Orlando Cruze ever did. He’s mangling Zero, mangling him like half the IWC roster mangles the English language.

Zero’s head bobs back and forth with each elbow that connects against his temple, his neck almost breaking from the whiplash. Riggs now rolls to the outside of the ring and approaches the announce table.

Billy: Hey, don’t come over here, I’ll watch you beat someone up as long as I don’t have to hear you talk.

The top of the announce table is ripped away, stripping it of the protective and decorative shield and then the monitors.

Moore: Awww, how am I suppose to watch Thundercats now?

Billy: I think our announce table is about to be home to Zero’s demolished body.

Susie: How is he going to live under our announce table? I’ve tried it, but the conditions were far too cramped, and there was no magical little Leprechaun kingdom under there either.

Riggs slides back into the ring and points to the announce table repeatedly, prompting Psycho to stop delivering the debilitating elbows in favor of a far more destructive act. He puts Zero’s head in position and then motions with his outstretched arms for the crucifix powerbomb.

Mayne: Ohhh yeah, oh wow, this is gonna be wicked.

Susie: Like the Ewok?

Mayne: Yeah, yeah, just like the Ewok.

Susie: Yay!

Psycho lifts Zero up into the air and takes him by the biceps, prepared to throw him from the ring all the way to the announce table. Just as he takes his first step towards the ropes the crowd’s reaction changes, their alteration in emotion brought on by the image of Too Magnificent and Simon Cagero barreling down the ramp.

Billy: Son of a.....it’s the Motherfuckers of the United States of America! Why do they have to pick now to pay Zero back for his help?

Susie: I’d just slip a gift certificate for Chucky Cheese under his door and call it a day.

Psycho immediately drops Zero to the canvas and turns his focus to Too Magnificent. They begin to trade blows as the big man slips into the ring. Riggs rushes right at Cagero, who has hopped to the apron and bends forward just in time to catch Riggs to the ribcage with a shoulder block.

The Painted Warrior turns away gripping at his mid-section while Cagero sets up for his next attack. He leaps over the top rope and in the process of coming down kicks Riggs right in the shoulder, knocking the winded athlete to a knee.

Mayne: Dammit, why won’t you two sickos do something productive? Other than assist one another in applying your make up.

Susie: I have three people who do my make up and two of them are imaginary.

Fists continue to fly between Too Magnificent and Psycho but it’s the trashcan wielding deviant who is getting the better of the former Cartel Champion. Shot after shot connects to Psycho’s face with such force that it knocks him back a few steps, arms flailing in an attempt to keep himself upright.

Now Riggs is up and chopping away at Cagero’s chest the moment he took a step towards him. However, Simon fires back with a shot of his own, dropping the World Heavyweight Title belt from his shoulder in the process. The brawl between the MOUSA and Riggs & Psycho continues, their animosity crossing over from 2009 into a new year.

Porno Lad: Hey, pssst!

The excitement in the stadium dissipates slightly at the sight of Porno Lad leaping to the apron with a steel chair in hand. He waves it around trying to get the World Champion’s attention.

Billy: Oh thank heavens, Porno Lad saving yet another segment through his involvement. The ratings for this whole part of the show just went from 0.3 to a 17.99.

Susie: That’s how much I spent on my shoes.

Billy: But what is he doing with that chair?

Simon, who got the better of his weakened rival with the chop exchange, finally turns to acknowledge the Original Prankster. He gestures to the chair repeatedly, insisting that Cagero use it. The World Champ glares at Porno Lad like he suffered from a massive head wound.

Simon: Don’t you remember what happened the last time you tried to help me? Let me remind you.

Cagero’s leg lifts for the superkick only to have Porno Lad leap from the apron to save himself.

Mayne: It looks like Porno Lad is still under the belief that Cagero is the Five Star Society’s hand picked World Champion, but I’m not sure if this ungrateful prick is showing PL the gratitude he deserves.

Confusion is clear in the eyes of Porno Lad, who clearly has no idea what to make of Simon’s unexpected reaction. All he can do is watch as Cagero continues to threaten him and is now blasted from behind with a big buzzsaw kick. The shot to the back of the neck knocks him to his knees, Riggs placing him in a side headlock from this position and drilling him in the face with closed fists.

Billy: Well Cagero is paying for his insolence at this point.

Porno Lad continues to observe what’s happening in the ring and seems unable to form an opinion on it. That’s when his attention is forced from the action in the ring to the action on the stage. The body of a security guard, one of the very man trusted with imprisoning Kingdom in his lockeroom, now rolls out onto the stage, his face a bloody mess, his shirt tattered and torn. Those responsible for this assault now reveal themselves, AWOL and Johnny following right along behind the bludgeoned guard.

Mayne: I thought he was supposed to be restrained to his lockeroom.

Susie: You thought wrong, just like when I thought that yellow snow was lemon flavored. It actually tastes awful.

Billy: I would imagine so.

The insanity continues as Kingdom and AWOL now make their way down the ramp, trapping Porno Lad between the Tag Team Champions and the ring. He decides at once that discretion is the better part of valor, living to fight another day. The chair drops to the mats and Porno Lad dashes around the ring, moving as far away from the Empire as possible.

Mayne: Why isn’t the rest of the Five Star Society out here protecting Porno Lad?

Instead of going straight after Porno Lad, AWOL and Kingdom become sidetracked. They roll into the ring and surprisingly come to the aid of the MOUSA. AWOL storms straight towards Psycho, alarms sounding in the big man’s head and inspiring him to clear out of the ring. The Big Crazy Bastard glares over the ropes at Psycho, who lifts his palms into the air and smirks as he moves towards the ramp.

Riggs is busy working over Cagero until he is spun around and cracked in the jaw. The shot knocks Riggs to the canvas which he quickly rolls across to escape the ring where he is now out numbered.

Billy: The Empire being a bunch of no good meddlers now. What is it with people in this company being unable to stay out of business that doesn’t involve them?

Susie: We have so many Dr. Phil’s.

Amongst the chaos barely anyone noticed that the original victim in this brawl has slipped from the ring, Zero hopping a barricade and making his way through the crowd. Meanwhile the Empire and the MOUSA remain inside, all four men watching the duo of Psycho and Riggs make their way up the ramp. Simon and Too Magnificent wave goodbye to the pear that has been a persistent thorn in their sides for much of 2009. In the midst of teasing their rivals they expose their backs to the Kingdom and AWOL, who just can’t pass up such a golden opportunity. The Empire rushes forward and simultaneously clothesline both members of the MOUSA.

Mayne: WHOA! Now this has gotten interesting.

Cagero is knocked into the middle rope while Too Magnificent is sent spiraling into a turnbuckle. AWOL steps towards him and delivers rights and lefts to his ribs while Kingdom is putting the boots to Cagero. It’s obvious that the Empire is trying to give themselves a definite advantage headed into their Tag Title, World Title showdown. However, that match may be coming far sooner than they had expected.

Porno Lad is convening with referee Wright at ringside, the very official who had his life threatened during the X-Class Title match. Now he’s being threatened by the Five Star Society member, who digs his finger into the striped shirt and motions to the ring. The official beckons to Porno Lad’s command. With a roll of his eyes Wright does as told, calling for the bell and sliding back into the warzone. Porno Lad’s jackal like grin widens upon the sound of the bell chiming just behind his spine.

Billy: Seems we’re not waiting any longer, not that I was, for the main event. How it could have even been considered a main event with no Five Star Society participation is just beyond me. In my opinion this match should have been the curtain jerker.

Susie: I take it that your opinion is about as valued as my own.

Mayne: Probably. Which would explain all those unanswered suggestions I stuffed in the suggestion box.

Susie: They didn’t answer my suggestion either, and all I suggested was that the commentators be able to ride ponies to the ring.

Billy: Awww, that would have been awesome.

SIMON CAGERO © & TOO MAGNIFICENT
VS
THE EMPIRE ©

With the bell chiming and Porno Lad watching on from ringside the violence only escalates inside of the ring. A right hand drills Cagero to the temple, sending him spiraling into the ropes. Kingdom is right on top of him, delivering a kick to the gut and then whipping him across the ring. The World Champion ricochets from the cables and comes back in at Kingdom who rushes forward and meets him to the ribs knee first.

Meanwhile AWOL and Too Magnificent have taken their brawl to the outside of the ring. It seems that the two are picking up exactly where they left off several weeks ago on Riot! Too Magnificent has pitched AWOL over the barricade and into the crowd, where dozens of steel chairs await.

Billy: I hope we don’t have a repeat of that chair riot from a few weeks ago.

Susie: That’s why I always bring a protective helmet.

Billy: Wasn’t it medically prescribed?

Susie: Yeah, technically I’m never supposed to take it off, otherwise I could fall over, hit my head and die a horrible, horrible death. But it gives me terrible hat hair.

Billy: Then I can understand taking the risk.

AWOL stands up just as Too Magnificent grabs a vacant chair and prepares to throw it straight into his spine. The Big Crazy Bastard spins around and jacks Too Mag straight in the jaw with an uppercut blow. The steel tumbles out of Too Magnificent’s hands as his body goes stumbling backwards towards the barricade.

He fights off the sheer viciousness of the strike and then charges forward only to be caught around the waist, AWOL dropping back into a belly to belly suplex. Too Magnificent’s gargantuan frame flies through the air before ultimately plunging through a few rows of chairs.

Billy: OOOOOH SNAP!

Susie: Yay, violence is fun.

Mayne: Isn’t it though?

Within seconds of the match getting started the fans are already starting a “holy shit” chant. A large group of them surrounds the former N.H.B Champion who lies amongst the crumbled mess of chairs, some of them imploring him to get up. Inside of the ring Cagero has been pulled to his feet by the ever aggressive Tag Team Champion. He takes Cagero under the arm and throws him into the air for the hip toss.

To Johnny’s surprise Cagero counters in unorthodox fashion. Instead of flipping forward he twists towards Kingdom, wedges his feet to his ribs and then drops back, reversing the hip toss into a monkey flip. Johnny flips completely over and crashes forcefully spine first against the ring, his back arching from the canvas.

Mayne: FINALLY, we see Cagero trying to impress Porno Lad.

Susie: What a shameless ass kisser.

Billy: My sentiments exactly.

Porno Lad nods at ringside, quite liking what he sees as the action inside and around the squared circle continues to pick up. Johnny is now scrambling to his feet and turning just as Cagero leaps into the air and nails him under the jaw with a spinning heel kick.

The stiff strike takes both men from their feet to the canvas, before they desperately try to get up. Naturally Simon is the first to his stand, Kingdom’s bell rung by that kick. It takes him a few more seconds to get up, precious, COSTLY seconds. Once on his feet a chop blisters his sternum, Cagero following it up with another strike. Welts begin to form on the Tag Team Champion’s chest before it’s his face that fills the sting of a dropkick.

He crashes to the canvas but frantically rolls across it to his feet. He rushes right back in at the World Champion who nails his challenger to the jaw with a leaping knee strike. The perfectly timed blow has Kingdom leveled, swiping his palms across his sore chin.

Mayne: Simon too quick for the SLOOOOOOOWWWW Kingdom.

Susie: My parents always told me not to stare at SLOW people, which is why they never kept mirrors in the house.

Johnny looks to be on dream street as he goes staggering backwards into the ropes, ricocheting from them and then walking right into Cagero’s waiting arm…..scratch that…..LEGS. Simon leaps into the air, catches the Team Leader right around the neck and then drops back into a hurricarana. He ends up seated directly on Johnny’s chest, pinning down the legs for the three count.

1

2

Johnny sits up, pushing Cagero over onto his back in the process. He now has him in a sit-out pin, trying to get the back of his feet over top the front of Simon’s shoulders.

1

2

Simon rolls backwards, out of the pin and into one of his own. With great haste he scoots in, takes Johnny’s legs and places them over his shoulders, leaning into the creases of his knees.

1

2

Kingdom wedges his hands to the back of Simon’s head, pushes down on it and sends him flipping forward. Unfortunately for the Champion he lands on his shoulders, Kingdom sitting up and pressing his shoulders to the back of his legs with ANOTHER sit out style pin.

1

2

Simon kicks out and drops over Johnny’s leg to the side of the Team Leader. Once again he ends up in bad positioning, his arm still draped over Kingdom’s knee and his opponent exploiting this fact. He wraps his legs around the negligent Champion’s arm and then interlocks his hands under his jaw, rearing back into the Lesson in Leadership.

Billy: Yeah, I think if he lost the World Title to Johnny Kingdom it would probably not sit well with Porno Lad. He probably would want to avoid disappointing the REAL Master of Control.

Susie: I spent a lot of time trying to please Porno Lad, I even did a three act sock puppet play for him, but he still dumped me. What could I have done wrong?

Mayne: Did you wear panties?

Susie: A few times.

Billy: There was your mistake.

The crowd did not expect this fast paced style from both teams, no boring feeling out period, both the MOUSA and the Empire going balls to the walls from bell to bell. Simon tries to resist the temptation to kick out while on the outside of the ring Too Magnificent attempts to spare his career. AWOL has taken the liberty of trying to put an abrupt end to it. A chair is wrapped around AWOL’s head as he’s forced to his feet and taken by the hair.

Billy: Ohhhh golly, this should be lovely.

Susie: Just like my face.

With a grip of hair and a hand on the chair, AWOL rushes Too Magnificent towards the barricade, fully intent on shattering his neck. If it weren’t for Too Magnificent’s amazing recuperative abilities his night, maybe even his life, would have been over. He is able to wedge his hands to AWOL’s back and shove him away straight into the barricade.

AWOL turns, spine crashing into the steel and his body almost tumbling over it to the mats. Somehow the Big Crazy Bastard keeps his feet planted on the concrete, at least long enough for Too Magnificent to deliver a BRUTAL bicycle kick straight to his skull.

Moore: Ouchie.

The stiff kick sends AWOL crashing backwards over the barrier and onto the outside mats. He now rolls across then into the steel steps, employing the stairs to reach his feet. In the process of standing he works his fingers into the hand grooves on both sides of the steps, beginning to break them away from the lower half.

In a monstrous display of strength AWOL lifts the steps into the air and situates them on top of his shoulders. He turns so that he can toss the steps over the barrier and into an unsuspecting Too Magnificent. This time Too Mag proves to be anything but unsuspecting. A steel chair flies over the barrier and cracks into the steps, knocking them backwards right into AWOL’s face.

Susie: Double ouchie.

Billy: I would say he may have inflicted brain damage on AWOL but……I think everyone has already heard my punch-line to this joke.

Susie: Does it involve the words “knock, knock?”

Billy: No Susie it doesn’t.

Susie: No one wants to hear it then.

AWOL is confined under the steps, which jut forth into the air. Too Magnificent takes advantage of this fact, stepping over the barrier to the mats and then hoisting the chair he swung moments ago and driving it once again into the steps. AWOL’s skull is almost fractured by the impact, sending shockwaves of pain coursing all throughout his body.

Mayne: Hahahahaha, how wonderfully nasty.

Susie: Just like the stuff I had to drink from that cup I was talking about earlier.

The cringing crowd watches on despite their horror, morbidly fascinating by the violent lengths in which both teams are willing to go in order to leave with a title tonight. Simon is showing self sacrifice, although his shoulder is being mangled in Kingdom’s clutches he continues to fight, now digging his claws deep into the canvas and pulling himself towards the far ropes. He drags the Team Leader along with him, putting tremendous weight and pressure on his shoulder.

Once Kingdom can feel himself being tugged towards the ropes he becomes convinced that he hasn’t worked Simon over enough to earn the tap out. Therefore he goes for a surprise pin attempt to throw the Champion completely off guard. Kingdom turns his body, reaches across Simon’s back, hooks his far arm and drops forward, pulling Cagero up onto the back of his shoulders into a crucifix.

1

2

Simon not only kicks out but falls spine first onto Kingdom’s chest in the process, hooking his leg for the three.

1

2

Just like Cagero, Kingdom too was surprised by the pin but he kicked out of it with much the same speed of the Champ.

Billy: And we were close to ending this twice just now.

Porno Lad watches anxiously from ringside, his emotions clearly conflicted by every shift in momentum that his eyes witness. After kicking out of the pin attempt Johnny rushes to his feet, just beating his opponent to the punch. With the precious few seconds that his speed has awarded him Kingdom goes into a spiral, intent on delivering the roaring elbow. It misses its mark however, Cagero dropping into a roll beneath it. Kingdom’s momentum sends him stumbling forward right into the open palm of Too Magnificent. The big man reaches out, catches Kingdom by the belt and hoists him into the air, chokeslamming him down at the same time Cagero leaps into the air and catches his shoulders.

Johnny is actually chokeslammed into the back stabber.

Billy: What in the Sam hell was that?

Susie: If your talking about my feet the condition is called webbed toes.

Billy: Although that’s equally as disturbing, I’m referring to the tag team move just delivered by the MOUSA.

With his back arched Kingdom flops off Cagero’s elevated knees and lands on the canvas. Once stretched across his shattered spine he finds himself victim to a lateral press, Simon leaping into the pinfall.

1

2

To the sheer shock of the fans Kingdom actually lifts a shoulder in time to avoid the three count. Cagero rolls off of him and tries to catch his breathe. He is not surprised by Johnny’s stubbornness.

Mayne: I’ll tell you one thing that Porno Lad was right about, not that he hasn’t been right about EVERYTHING, but in particular I’d like to reference his claim that Kingdom is boring. I’d like to second that motion upon seeing this match.

Susie: If you think this isn’t fun then your retarded.

Mayne: Don’t take that spiteful tone with me, Missy. I’ll have the Brat Pack abduct you ag….wait a minute, weren’t you already supposed to be abducted by the Brat Pack? What are you doing here?

Susie: It took me a few weeks to realize that nobody was going to bring me anymore toys to play with, and ummmm, what’s the thing called again, FOOD, so I figured out how to open the door and escaped. I don’t think anyone cared.

Billy: Yes, it sounds as if they had completely forgotten you.

Simon gets to his knees and approaches his corner where Too Magnificent is now standing. For the first time in this match a legal tag has been made, the golden goliath entering the ring. He steps over the ropes and lurks in a corner as Kingdom tries to reach his feet. His eyes turn towards his corner, hand extended for a tag only to realize that there is nobody there to lighten the load. AWOL is still fighting off the effects of that attack with the steps, stretched over the mats crawling towards the ring.

Johnny is left on his own for now and with a possibly shattered back. He stands up and suffers a reverse goozle, Too Magnificent lifting him by the back of the neck like he were a momma cat and then throwing his opponent face first into the top turnbuckle pad. Kingdom’s head bounces off of the corner and his brain is rattled by the collision.

He turns, wedging his back to the corner as Too Magnificent steps in and begins to work over his body with rights and lefts to the ribs. He then lunges forward knee first into Johnny’s mid-section then bends down and rams his shoulder into the gut.

All these blows to the body leave Kingdom on the verge of spitting up blood. He chokes back the crimson and tries to hang in there even as another shoulder slams into his mid-section. This time Too Magnificent wraps around Kingdom’s waist and drags him out of the corner to the center of the ring.

Its in the middle of the squared circle where Too Magnificent shoots his arm across Johnny’s chest and then heaves him into the air before ultimately planting him violently to the canvas with a standing urangi slam.

Billy: That shook the ring.

Susie: It shook my breasts too.

Billy: Actually, that might have been my hands.

The violent impact of Kingdom’s body against canvas causes both his frame and the ring to reverberate. Too Magnificent now slides him into bad territory, the big man’s back slapped by Cagero who officially tags himself back into the ring. He now grabs the top rope and waits for Too Magnificent to step aside. His gigantic partner exits the ring just in time to clear from the flying Simon’s path.

Cagero twists over the top rope, lands with the creases of his knees across the upper most rope and then flips back into the split legged moonsault. However, Simon does NOT land stomach first across Kingdom’s ribs and instead lands on his feet.

The Champ had just enough time to invert his moonsault the moment he saw Kingdom rolling out of the way. He now rushes towards Johnny who stands with his back turned towards the corner. Johnny catches Simon around the neck and falls back, planting Cagero’s face directly into the middle rope with a downward spiral. Cagero’s head bounces off the pad and as a result his body goes rolling towards the center of the ring.

Billy: Porno Lad isn’t gonna be happy about this, and we all know what happens in this business if someone loses their smile.

Susie: What?

Billy: It was a reference to that whole Shawn Michaels incident.

Susie: Who?

Billy: Tell me you know who Shawn Michaels is.

Susie: Sorry, I didn’t listen to ABBA.

After delivering the brain scrambling blow Kingdom remains seated with back propped up by the turnbuckle. He reaches up and grabs the tope rope with both hands then flips from his seat on the canvas to a seat on the top rope. The crowd is dazzled by his flexibility and Too Magnificent is frazzled by the right hand he receives to the temple. The shot knocks him to a knee, allowing his opponent to reach his feet on the top rope.

Obviously Johnny is going for the 450 splash, a move that would put an end to Simon’s World Title reign. Too Magnificent isn’t about to let this transpire, he stands up and swings his bicep directly towards Johnny’s ankles. Kingdom is quick enough to leap over Too Magnificent’s arm, but he doesn’t stop there. He twists in mid-air to soar over the top rope and then land on the apron right behind his hefty foe. Too Magnificent spins around right into a boot to the gut and then is placed in a front chancery before being spiked right on top of his head with a DDT.

Billy: DDT on the apron, that is never pretty, especially when it involves Too Magnificent, who is hideous to begin with.

Susie: I adore his whole Oompa Loompa look. It kind of turns me on.

The crowd is jacked at the sight of Kingdom’s speed and agility, he has everyone on their feet screaming after pulling off that sick DDT. The Empire member looks to continue his dominant display, turning towards the ring and spotting a pear of feet sliding straight towards his face. There is no time to avoid Cagero’s legs, which around around his neck and ultimately send him flipping over onto the mats with a head scissors take down.

Mayne: There you go Cagero, keep living up to Porno Lad’s expectations and there will be no reason to have you replaced as World Champion.

If the crowd wasn’t pumped before, now their positively electrified by the innovative offense they’ve witnessed within the span of seconds. Simon is on his feet encouraging the fans by thrusting his arms into the air. He now turns attention back to Kingdom, taking him around the neck and forcing the Champion to his feet before ultimately depositing him in the ring.

It’s obvious by his wincing face and tensed muscles that Kingdom is in a lot of pain, radiating outward from his lower back. Simon realizes that Johnny is in bad shape, prompting him to go for the kill. He leaps to the apron and begins slipping urgently through the ropes only to find that his opponent was playing possum. The moment Simon gets half way into the ring Johnny rushes to his feet and traps Cagero’s head in a front chancery.

He now drags his whole body into the ring and takes him by the hip, hoisting him up into the air for the Brainbuster DDT. His patented Exodus Finale is not delivered thanks to Cagero’s ability to squirm out of any sticky situation. The Champion allows himself to fall off of Kingdom’s shoulder, landing on his feet while bridging over backwards and wrapping his arm around his rival’s neck. He falls to the canvas and delivers a reverse neckbreaker that Johnny certainly wasn’t expecting.

Billy: You need counters like that, big counters at big intervals in this match if you want to put away Kingdom.

Susie: There are far less violent ways to put a man down, like reading them Curious George, or offering them alcohol, or spreading one’s legs.

Mayne: All of those will work on me, Susie. Just not necessarily in that order.

The move puts a lot of pressure on Johnny’s neck, almost snapping the vertebra upon hitting the canvas. He slowly turns over to his side, burying his knees and his palms into the canvas in order to hold himself upright. All the while the World Champion rises to his feet and goes barreling into the ropes, bouncing off to a get running start for a kick to the ribs.

That’s when Simon catches a mere glimpse of the Big Crazy Bastard FINALLY entering the ring. He overcame the shots with the steel chair and the steps, coming in to aid the downtrodden like he were responding to the Bat signal. Unfortunately he hadn’t counted on the sheer speed of Cagero and his ability to think on the fly.

Simon charges at Kingdom as planned but instead of going for the kick he steps off of his kidneys and flies straight at the Big Crazy Bastard. He had a million ideas coursing through his head but he isn’t able to use any of them, instead he’s caught across AWOL’s chest, finding his dive countered into a devastating spinning powerslam.

Cagero’s body is SLAMMED into the canvas with all the force that AWOL can muster, almost leaving an indentation of the Champion’s body on the surface of the ring.

Billy: Now why is he allowed in there to attack Cagero? I’m telling you there’s something fishy about this referee Wright. He hasn’t been the same since Psycho chokeslammed his ass….which by the way, he DESERVED and then some.

Susie: He does deserve it, because those stripes look totally unflattering on him. He’s a fashion nightmare.

AWOL surprisingly does as the official orders, backing into his corner where he extends his hand for a legal tag. Thanks to his partner Johnny may have just the leverage he needs to tag out of this match and bring in a fresh man. Cagero is all shaken up from the powerslam, rolling across the canvas and desperately glaring at his kneeling partner on the apron. Too Magnificent extends his arm through the cables, twiddling his fingers in anticipation of a tag. Even after suffering that DDT on the apron he’s willing to re-enter the match with basically no time to recover.

Simon crawls towards him in much the same way that Kingdom crawls towards AWOL. Both big men look primed for the tag as the hands of their partners inch towards their palms.

Simultaneous slaps take place on both sides of the ring, AWOL and Too Magnificent being brought in to continue their war.

Mayne: Here comes the Hosses, I think I just heard Vince McMahon squeal with delight.

Susie: That was me actually, I forgot I was sitting on my vibrating beeper.

Billy: Did you really forget?

Susie: Okay, maybe I didn’t.

The two human mountains collide in the center of the ring and immediately cut lose on one another with a bevy of strikes. A chop hits Too Magnificent’s chest before he responds with one of his own, of the open palm variety. AWOL stumbles and then answers back with the uppercut directly on point to Too Magnificent’s jaw. He stumbles but remains upright, lunging back at his opponent not with a strike this time but a goozle. He captures AWOL around the neck and goes for the chokeslam.

The big man throws AWOL’s arm over his shoulder or at least attempts to. Instead AWOL’s hand finds its way directly onto the throat of the former N.H.B Champion. The fans find themselves riveted at the sight of Too Magnificent and AWOL gripping one another’s throats, both men simultaneously trying to deliver a chokeslam.

Billy: Obviously something has got to give here. They can’t chokeslam each other at the same time. At least I don’t think they can, I’m pretty sure it would create some type of temporal rift and throw off the space time continuum.

Susie: Good, I’ve always wanted to go back in time and meet Sylvester Stallone.

Mayne: He’s still alive, Susie.

Susie: He is? I thought they just did that Weekend at Bernie’s thing with his body when they were filming the last Rambo.

The fans are split, some trying to motivate AWOL to deliver the chokeslam, while the other half is solidly behind Too Magnificent, praying he sends the Big Crazy Bastard through the ring. Finally the chokeslam war ends, and it concludes with Too Magnificent colliding with the ring.

Billy: And its AWOL who hits the damn chokeslam. Color me apathetic.

Susie: What color would that be?

Billy: I don’t know, maybe “white.”

Moore: Awww, tough luck, I only brought my pink and red crayons with me today.

Too Magnificent hits the ring hard but tries to get up as soon as his body will get over the initial shock. AWOL’s attention diverts to Cagero who is standing up with the use of his team’s corner post. He just reaches his feet when AWOL comes barreling in throwing all of his weight directly at the Champion. Cagero steps out of the way, causing AWOL to instead hit the corner and now become the one leaning on it for support.

Simon then comes charging in only for AWOL to take a step forward, catch him against his shoulder and throw him over the top rope with a back drop. The crafty Cagero shows his World Champion instincts by grabbing the top cable as he flies over it and landing on his feet across the apron.

AWOL has no clue that his opponent avoided sheer disaster as he stumbles to the center of the ring, it isn’t until he turns around and spots Cagero springing from the top rope that he realizes things are horribly amiss. Simon flies through the air only to be forced to land feet first on the canvas once again with nothing to show for his troubles. He spins around just as AWOL bounces off of the ropes and almost beheads him with a lariat so violent it sends his body flipping completely over backwards.

Mayne: Ewwww, that looked pretty painful.

Susie: AWOL would probably call that a love tap, which is why I will never get in the sack with him. Plus I don’t like to shag on cardboard boxes, which is what I imagine he sleeps in.

In the battle of bicep versus throat, bicep won and may have squashed throat. Simon is now on his back gasping for air while AWOL crawls into the pin. Both legs are hooked and AWOL is sure he’s about to hear his name announced with the suffix “New World Heavyweight Champion.” This dream is left in fantasy land thanks to the official’s stringent reliance on the rules. Wright is standing over AWOL stressing that Cagero is not the legal man.

Billy: I don’t think that Porno Lad is going to like that Simon retained his title by way of a technicality.

Susie: I can tell you one thing that Porno Lad doesn’t like, and that’s melted wax on his nipples.

Porno Lad steps towards the ring and slaps the apron, trying to rally the fans behind the Motherfuckers of the United States of America. He is unable to get them as fired up as Simon did during his award speech but he isn’t dissuaded from playing the part of an amateur cheerleader.

All the while inside of the ring AWOL has begrudgingly reached his feet, irritated by the thought of this match continuing. He just stands up when Too Magnificent lunges towards him, bicycle kick intended for his head. AWOL catches Too Magnificent’s boot before it could connect to his jaw and then pull it down to the canvas. As a result the golden goliath turns his back on AWOL who catches him around the waist before snapping over backwards into a release German suplex.

The fans pop like their lungs are on the brink of exploding as Too Magnificent collides with the canvas then goes rolling across it into the ropes.

Billy: Did AWOL just German suplex Too Magnificent?

Susie: Uhhh, ummmm, maybe?

Billy: Good, I thought maybe all the Vodka I’ve been sneaking during this match caused me to hallucinate.

Too Magnificent eventually ends up spilling under the ropes to the outside mats, somehow landing on his feet even with a now crooked back. AWOL spots the prone legal man outside of the ring, prompting him to build some speed by rushing into the far cables. His body ricochets from the ropes and he gains momentum as he rushes in for a dive. However, a superkick straight to the temple derails his move and any thought going through his head.

Billy: Supeeeeeerrrrkick…..pay the tab, leave a tip, let’s get the hell outta here.

Cagero’s kick connects with enough force to knock AWOL from his feet to his spine. The crowd watches on screaming both at the sight of Simon’s unexpected kick and AWOL’s shocking resiliency. He rolls straight to his knees, the Big Crazy Bastard ALREADY beginning to stand up. That’s when Simon rushes at him, catches AWOL around the neck and drops back, pulling his opponent down from his knees face first into the canvas with a modified version of the Break the Silence.

Billy: AWOL PLANTED straight on his face, that will crack a few bones.

Simon may not be the legal man but he sure is treated as such by Johnny Kingdom. The Team Leader staggers out of the ropes and pops him across the jaw, sending Cagero into a full rotation. By the time he turns around Johnny is leaping forward into a twisting European Uppercut into the jaw. He connects and both men hit the canvas, Kingdom landing on his elbows and knees while Cagero drops to his back.

Johnny now reaches his feet and turns towards Too Magnificent pulling himself back up to the apron. The Team Leader rushes right at him and gets caught around the head, Too Magnificent retracting his skull and then driving it straight into Johnny’s face. The headbunt knocks him to the canvas with a thud.

Billy: Hahahaha, he may have split Kingdom’s head in two.

Susie: Then there would be two Johnny’s to adore.

Billy: Good lord, one is horrible enough.

Johnny rolls to the center of the ring and slowly forces himself up. He stands just as Too Magnificent barrels towards him, intent on severing his head from his neck with a lariat. The Team Leader ducks the inbound bicep, rushes into the cables behind his hefty opponent, ricochets off and comes back in at the big man only to run into a vicious boot. The big boot almost cracks Kingdom’s face and sends him crashing into the ring across the back of his skull.

Mayne: That was nasssssstty.

Susie: So is walking in on your parents having sex…..

Mayne: Awkward.

Susie:….with your neighbors.

Billy: Even more awkward, but strangely tantalizing, tell me more.

Too Magnificent drops into the lateral press on Kingdom, positive that he’s gotten the win off that vicious boot. However, the official now informs him that AWOL is the legal man, that Kingdom CANNOT be pinned.

The Golden Goliath stews with rage, rising to his feet, grabbing the official by his jersey and then forcefully throwing him down to the canvas in a fit of anger.

Mayne: That wasn’t smart. I know Too Magnificent is desperate not to have egg on his face after the statements he made earlier, and he also wants Cagero to retain the title, but…..he’s still an idiot.

Susie: But he does look good in those undershorts.

Billy: Well, even I have to admit that.

An aching Too Magnificent looks down at the injured official without remorse before he turns his attention to the turnbuckle. The former N.H.B Champion heads to the Promised Land. He slides through the ropes and begins scaling the corner in an attempt to reach the top and put an end to the Team Leader via his Arrogance is Bliss. The big man has trouble situating himself on the corner post however, trying to put one foot on the very top rope.

Before he can set his plans into motion he finds his strategy derailed by way of AWOL’s interference. The Big Crazy Bastard stumbles across the apron towards him, reaches out, grabs Too Magnificent’s wrist and pulls him down on top of his shoulders. The fans erupt as AWOL falls back from the apron and delivers the Samoan Drop on Too Magnificent, driving his body into the outside mats.

Mayne: WHOOOOAAAA!

Too Magnificent is paralyzed by the agony flowing through his frame as he rolls to his side and AWOL lays directly beside him. Neither man can move at the moment, having subjected themselves to inhuman levels of violence and depravity.

Their destruction of one another leaves their partners to act out the possible denouement to this epic struggle. Kingdom struggles to stand as does Cagero who employs the ropes as a crutch. Once both men are upright Simon moves in on the still crouched Kingdom, taking him around the neck and setting for the Break the Silence. He is just on the verge of hitting his secondary finisher when Johnny performs a surprising counter.

He twists out of the clutches of Cagero, grabs his arm and tries to force him down into the crossface. Simon isn’t about to fall victim to this trickery. He twists just enough so that his back is wedged to Johnny’s, hooking his far bicep and pulling him down into the back slide pin.

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Johnny drops over to his knees, stands, steps forward and connects with a punt kick straight to Simon’s face. The stiff strike causes Cagero to teeter back and forth on his knees, looking all but brain damaged at this point.

Billy: Ooooooh no, you know what this sets up for.

Susie: That YMCA dance?

Billy: No, although I am in the mood to do some festive dancing. Wait, is it normal for a grown man to WANT to dance to Village People music?

Susie: That even sounds odd to me.

Johnny reaches out, grabs Simon’s rattled head and places him in a front chancery. He hoists Cagero up to his feet and then into the air, holding him upside down as he prepares for the Exodus Finale. The crowd cringes at the thought of Simon being dumped straight on his head before he shocks everyone, by countering the Brainbuster DDT. He shifts his weight, legs falling forward, wrapping his arm around Johnny’s throat and pulling him down into a modified BREAK THE SILENCE.

Susie: BACONATOR!

Mayne: Oh good, oh thank God. Simon will retain his title and reward Porno Lad’s faith in him for sure.

Unfortunately there is no referee to make the count, official Wright still trying to recuperate after being flung to the canvas.

Billy: No ref? NO REF? Dammit Porno Lad do something.

The Original Prankster watches cautiously from ringside, slapping the apron and shouting at the official to get up. He DEMANDS that the referee make the count before Kingdom has the opportunity to kick out. Simon realizes that no three count is being made, prompting him to sluggishly reach his feet. The wear and tear of this very physical tag team encounter is starting to show. Nevertheless he reaches down and grabs hold of Johnny’s neck, forcing him over to his knees and then popping him across the temple with a right hand.

Johnny almost goes over but instead teeters back and forth, eyes rolling into the back of his sockets. Simon now steps back, sets and moves in with a blistering thrust kick directly on the jaw. A hairline fracture may have been created in Kingdom’s chin as he falls to his back, a fractured Tag Team Champion. Simon on the other hand has high hopes as he moves towards the ropes, slipping through them to the apron.

He grabs the top rope and begins to pivot between feet, ready to go high risk. He finally springs to the top rope and then takes flight, soaring across the ring straight at Kingdom who unexpectedly reaches his feet. Kingdom stumbles around in a dazed incoherent state of mind but somehow still has the mental capacity to reach out and catch Cagero as he flies towards him.

Simon alters his move from a dive to a standing assault, landing on Kingdom’s shoulders to deliver a hurricarana.

Mayne: This is gonna be it.

Kingdom suddenly reaches up, grabs Simon by the back of the head, pulls it down onto his shoulder and reverses the hurricarana into the Exodus Finale!

Billy: How in the…..?

Susie: Don’t ask me, Billy, I’m here for sex appeal and sex appeal only.

Billy: Don’t kid yourself, I’m the sexy one on this team. But Kingdom somehow….he…..HE…..countered….I just can’t comprehend this.

Susie: Don’t worry, I can’t comprehend ANYTHING.

The fans are absolutely elated at the sight of Kingdom delivering the Exodus Finale and perhaps putting an end cap on this grueling confrontation. Unfortunately for the Team Leader he is unable to roll over and drape his arm across Simon’s sternum. His fatigue keeps him sprawled across the canvas, unable to so much as move at this point. His chest heaves as he tries to fill it with oxygen and regain control of his weary muscles.

The anticipation is killing the crowd and driving Porno Lad to desperate measures. He slowly reaches up, grabs the ropes and begins pulling himself onto the apron.

Mayne: Looks like Porno Lad is going to…..Susie, what are you doing?

Susie: I’m gonna go say hi to my ex boyfriend.

Billy: This is no time to catch up with your ex Susie, SUSIE!

The camera cuts to Moore standing up, removing her headset and depositing it on top of the announce table. She kicks back her hair and sashays towards Porno Lad who is now standing on the apron. He glances over at the official, confirming that he is still out of it and that he cannot see what he is about to do.

An insidious grin sprouts up across Porno Lad’s face as he slips his leg through the ropes and begins to enter the ring.

Mayne: Porno Lad about to make sure that Simon remains the Five Star Society’s hand picked World Champion……wait Susie, don’t get in the way.

Porno Lad is half way through the ropes when Susie hops to the apron behind him, pulls back her arm and lobs it straight up into his testicles. A loud scream can be heard from the Original Prankster, who doubles over and grabs at his crotch. Shockwaves of pain reverberate all through his crotch and sends him twisting from the apron, ultimately crashing to the outside mats.

Billy: What have you done Susie? What have you done to your sugar daddy? Have you lost your…..wait, you actually have to have a mind in order to lose it.

Those packed in the Manhattan Center are going absolutely nuts as Susie bends towards Porno Lad, who cradles his crotch and rolls from side to side.

Susie: That’s the last time I’ll EVER touch your junk.

She spits at him and walks away, leaving Porno Lad quivering on the mats, both palms wrapped around his now swollen testicular region.

Mayne: I can’t believe that Porno Lad WASTED so many months on Susie Moore. THIS is how she repays him for taking her on as a charity case? Reprehensible, ABSOLUTELY reprehensible.

Susie keeps on walking with a strut in her step.

Billy: Although for this vantage point she does have a really cute ass, so she can’t be ALL bad.

The crowd is now chanting Susie’s name as the defiant Moore progresses towards the backstage area. Porno Lad is almost in tears at ringside due to the severe trauma inflicted on his gonads, leaving him incapable of influencing the outcome of this match. As a result there is nobody to stop Kingdom from turning over and placing his arm across Simon’s sternum. The referee conveniently comes through and very slowly crawls towards the cover. He drops down next to Kingdom, slapping the canvas.

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NOOO! Simon’s shoulder LAUNCHES from the ring just a second or two before he could lose the World Heavyweight Title.

Mayne: Ohhhh man, so, so close to a new Champion being crowned. This would so be the Five Star Society’s nightmare, Johnny Kingdom WINNING back the World Title.

Johnny falls to his back, stretched across the ring, body ravaged by the effects of this grueling confrontation. He struggles to reach his feet and in the process take Cagero’s head into his arms. He pulls him up and now begins to situate him so that he can put Simon in position for the package piledriver.

On the outside of the ring Too Magnificent and AWOL are also jockeying for positioning. The Big Crazy Bastard has his mangled opponent on his feet and is delivering chops as well as jabs to his body. The Magnificent One ends up collapsing on his seat across a perfectly positioned chair in the corner of two converging barricades.

AWOL steps back and slaps his hands together, causing the crowd to go nuts, everyone realizing that he’s going for that devastating face wash.

Billy: Thanks for coming Too Magnificent, you’ll always be remembered. Well, at least until I smoke this joint backstage and completely forget about you.

The brutalized Too Magnificent is seemingly defenseless against AWOL, who comes barreling in going for the Oley kick. He extends his leg and throws his foot at his opponent’s face with all the force he can muster. Too Magnificent suddenly clears out of the chair though, causing AWOL’s boot to crash into the barricades and actually get STUCK in the barrier.

Mayne: Ahhh-yes-mwahahahahaha, AWOL’s got his foot stuck. HILARIOUS!

AWOL tries to free his leg but can’t get it un-wedged from between the converging barriers. He pulls and pulls but he’s still stuck. All he can do is reach for the laughing Too Magnificent, who despite having a near broken back, proceeds towards the ring.

Inside of the squared circle Johnny is in the process of trying to get Cagero up into the package piledriver. He lifts him only for Simon to shift his body weight and come back down to his feet. The fatigued Kingdom attempts to lift him again but he just doesn’t have the strength.

This seesaw battle only ends when Kingdom’s shoulder is caught in the clutches of Too Magnificent and used to send him spinning around. He turns towards Too Magnificent who goozles him by the throat and takes the back of his pants into his hand. Johnny is heaved into the air and nailed with the chokeslam.

Too Magnificent delivers the move with such force that it brings him to his knees. He kneels down beside Johnny, who’s back may have been shattered as a result of the chokeslam.

Billy: Chokeslam delivered and Kingdom has to be done by this point. He’s just gotta be done. If he isn’t I’ll start watching Scrubs. I swear to God I’ll do it, and it’ll be on everyone’s conscious.

The fans are going clinically nuts as the bout continues, proceeding with Cagero rolling under the ropes, standing up in his corner and calling for the tag. His arm is stretched towards Too Magnificent, fingers twiddling in anticipation of the tag.

Billy: Cagero wants back in there, don’t ask me why. Let Too Magnificent take all the punishment, that’s what he’s good for.

Although he may be in worse shape than his partner Simon continues to DEMAND a tag be made. Too Magnificent sluggishly crawls in the direction of Cagero, gripping at his spine which may have been severed thanks to the Samoan Drop. He reaches out and slaps Cagero’s palm, resulting in a very loud reception from the crowd. Simon now approaches the turnbuckle, begins to scale it and reaches the top rope.

To a riveting response from the crowd he comes flying off into a 450 splash, hitting Kingdom’s OWN move against him. All the air is knocked out of Johnny’s body and Cagero rolls off of him gripping at his ribs in a great deal of pain.

Mayne: FINALLY, that was the kill move. That was that. Johnny’s done, Simon’s won.

After gripping at his inflamed abdomen for several seconds Cagero musters the strength to begin crawling towards the pin. He edges towards Johnny at a slow but steady pace, mere centimeters removed from the pain and the title win.

He reaches out to place his arm over Kingdom’s chest only to have his ankle snatched hold of. He’s now slid out of the ring and drops down right in front of AWOL. The crowd screams as Cagero rushes forward and almost gets beheaded by a lariat from the Big Crazy Bastard.

Billy: How in the hell did AWOL get himself out of that jam in the barricade? HOW?

To the surprise of the crowd AWOL reveals that he’s missing one boot, now competing bare footed for the sake of this match. His boot is still lodged between the barriers, forced to remove it in order to save his partner. He now grabs Simon by the hair, drags him to his feet and finally deposits him in the ring.

The Big Crazy Bastard, the legal man for the Empire, slips through the ropes, grabs Simon by the hair and places him in a front chancery. As Kingdom rolls towards his team’s corner, he leaves his partner to finish the job on the World Heavyweight Champion. AWOL places Cagero in a front chancery, hoists him up into the air and sits him on the top rope.

Billy: Oh wow, I think AWOL may be going for that Simper Fi move. Don’t ask me what it actually is, I’m just reading the names of these moves off my cheat sheet.

The breathless crowd watches as AWOL starts up the turnbuckle, compelled to finally end what has been a sure fire match of the year candidate to start off a new decade. He reaches out and wraps his arms around Cagero’s waist, fully prepared to deliver the top rope back breaker.

Cagero actually begins to put up a fight though, suddenly delivering jabs to AWOL’s temple. The shots send saliva flying from the Tag Team Champion’s mouth and almost sends him plummeting from the second rope. Simon suddenly stands up on the top cable and leaps over AWOL, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him off of the turnbuckle into a sunset flip powerbomb.

Billy: Nicely countered by the man of a thousand gimmicks.

The back of AWOL’s head and shoulders slam hard into the canvas with Simon kneeling on the ring and leaning into the creases of his knees.

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AWOL’s shoulder launches from the canvas as he goes rolling towards the center of the ring.

Billy: How this match keeps going and going and going is beyond me. I’m going to need some seriously strong shrooms to make it all the way through this.

Now Too Magnificent is slipping back into the ring and coming to his partner’s aid. He reaches out, snatches AWOL around the waist and begins pulling up to his feet. All the while Cagero is backing into the turnbuckle he just flew out of, pulling himself up to the top rope.

Mayne: They’re going for the same move that won Cagero the World Title in the first place, or so my teleprompter tells me.

Simon climbs up onto the middle rope and prepares to fly off into the elevated Break the Silence. It takes all of Too Magnificent’s strength to hoist AWOL up but he can’t hold on. The Big Crazy Bastard comes back down to the canvas feet first and then performs a standing switch. He steps behind Too Magnificent, wedges his hands to the big man’s back and shoves him directly into Cagero.

Cagero spots his own partner barreling towards him, prompting him to leap off of the turnbuckle and over Too Magnificent’s head. Just as Cagero is about to land AWOL catches him in mid-air, almost splitting him in half with a spear.

Mayne: Ohhhhh ouchie wouchie! Yes, I really couldn’t come up with anything better to say than that, I don’t get paid nearly enough to stay 100% creative at all times.

Simon rolls across the canvas gripping at his mid-section and convulsing in pain. All the while AWOL is getting to his feet and now rushing at Too Magnificent who is leaning against the turnbuckle. Too Mag has the wherewithal to deliver a back elbow right on point. It nails AWOL in the eye, sending the Big Crazy Bastard spiraling backwards where he eventually ends up in the ropes.

What nobody in the ring sees and AWOL can barely even feel is the blind tag being made by Kingdom. He reaches out and slaps the Big Crazy Bastard’s shoulder as discreetly as possible. Too Magnificent now comes charging at the prone AWOL only to be caught with a back drop that elevates him over the ropes and sends him plummeting from a tremendous height down to the outside mats. He splats across them but then roars at the top of his lungs, immediately rolling to his feet.

He slaps the mats and continues to unleash his primal battle-cry, actually feeding off of the pain. He now turns towards the ring as AWOL flies over the top rope and crashes directly into him, both men hitting the mats as the fans come out of their seats erupting.

Billy: What in the hell was that?

Now it’s AWOL who leaps to his feet and kicks the barricade, showing that he’s all fired up. His energy gets the exhilarated crowd even more pumped, everyone on their feet starting an IWC chant. Meanwhile behind his back a recovered Porno Lad is climbing up to the apron still holding his swollen sack. He’s trying to re-enter the ring once more and play a contributing factor in this match only to be stopped once again.

This time his ankles are grabbed and the Five Star Society member is yanked down from the apron. He lands on the mats right in front of Psycho and Riggs.

Mayne: What are these two doing out here again? HOW DARE they put their hands on Porno Lad. HOW DARE they soil him with their touch.

The Original Prankster isn’t quite as tough when faced with two of the most demented athletes in IWC lore. Due to his inflamed genitalia he opts to back away and not put up a fight against the two men who create a barricade between himself and the ring.

Mayne: Are these guys STILL trying to help AWOL?

All those outside of the ring, with the exception of the thousands of fans watching in the crowd and at home, are aware that Johnny has re-entered the squared circle and is storming towards Cagero. He seems to have his second wind at this point, providing him with just the motivation he needs to grab Simon around the neck. He forces him to his feet and signals for the Exodus Finale.

Billy: Wait, what is Johnny doing? Is he the legal man?

Simon suddenly spins out of the front chancery, turns to face Kingdom and goes for the superkick. His boot just grazes the back of Johnny’s head as he ducks the kick and steps behind the World Champion. The Team Leader steps up behind Cagero who turns just in time to spot the boot traveling towards his ribs. Cagero catches Kingdom around the ankle, pushes down on the leg and sends Johnny into a full rotation.

By the time he turns around Simon is already ricocheting from the ropes and getting a running start for something big. What Cagero gets however, is a mouth full of elbow of the roaring variety. Kingdom NAILS the roaring elbow and sends Simon crashing to the canvas.

The overly fatigued Cagero pops back up to his seat where he’s caught around the neck, rolled to his feet and heaved into the Exodus Finale. Simon crashes across the back of his head then pops up to a seated base before finally tumbling to his back where Kingdom crawls into the lateral press on top of him.

Billy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, noooooooo!

Referee Wright slaps the canvas with every fan in the Manhattan Center expressing their utter astonishment.

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3!

If the roof weren’t held on so securely it would fly off the building like it were struck with hurricane force winds. The entire building is shaking with applause as Johnny Kingdom has just done the impossible, REGAINING the World Heavyweight Title.

Billy: BULLSHIT! Absolute BULLSHIT! That was a mulligan. Redo it ref. Restart the match and make it FAIR this time.

The energy in the Manhattan Center is electric as Kingdom rises to his knees and drapes his hands over his face. He surges with adrenaline and feeds off the excitement of the crowd. He savors every sound, every smell, every little emotion upon winning the World Heavyweight Title for the unprecedented FOURTH time in his career.

It doesn’t truly sink in until the Title belt is bestowed upon him by the referee. The gold is draped across his forearms and Johnny puts his face directly into it.

AWOL finally turns around once he hears the pop from the crowd and finds himself overwhelmed with confusion. His eyes open wide at the sight of Kingdom celebrating with the World Heavyweight Title, mistakenly believing that HE was the legal man still. As Johnny reaches his feet he finds himself barely able to stand, the physicality of this match finally catching up with him.

He supports his weight by way of using the official’s shoulder. He then lifts the World Title on high, basking in the admiration of a sold out crowd. AWOL rises to the apron, glaring through the ropes at his opponent’s back, seeing only bright flashes of red. He takes several deep breathes as he TRIES to control his impulses.

Mayne: I did not, I repeat, did not THINK in a million, no TWO million years, that I’d be seeing Johnny hold that World Title EVER again. This is like a pot induced nightmare.

From the ramp Porno Lad goes white as a sheet before exploding with anger. He shouts at Riggs and Psycho.

Porno Lad: Do you see what the two of you have done!?!

They peek over their shoulders towards the ring and find themselves suddenly bewildered as well. Their attempts to help AWOL secure the World Title have back fired, resulting in Kingdom capturing the gold instead. Johnny falls back to his knees and lifts the title up to his cheek, planting a kiss on it’s golden surface. All those in the Manhattan Center are chanting his name. AWOL stands up and forces himself to begin clapping although he cannot help but to feel robbed.

Billy: Well, I guess I have to ham up how “HISTORIC” this is, although I really don’t want to, so you know what? FUCK IT, I won’t.

The celebration continues as Kingdom holds the gold up and presses it to his sweaty temple, the magnitude of his win FINALLY setting in.

A WORD

A wall of security is positioned between Jackson Adams and his desired destination. The entry way is separated from him by a few feet, but the guards aren’t about to let him step through the curtains to the stage. Although he isn’t a member of security, Orlando Cruze is also trying to restrain the Submission Champion.

Adams: I’m going to talk to AWOL, and nobody is gonna stop me.

Orlando: Get him out of here. Do your God damn job and get him out of the building.

Jackson tries to force his way through security to get his hands on Orlando, to pick up where the two left off earlier in the evening.

Jackson: Screw you Orlando. Nothing is going to keep me from talking to AWOL. NOTHING!

Cruze: Yeah, yeah, just get the hell out of here, you’ve done enough tonight.

Adams: We’re gonna finish this Cruze, mark my words!

Adams is finally forced towards the exit of the building, leaving Orlando behind as he judgmentally shakes his head. He is only left on his own for a few moments before having his solitude rudely interrupted.

Ackart: Hey Cruze, CRUZE my good man.

The Icon’s eyebrow rises as he turns slightly to acknowledge the encroaching correspondent.

Ackart: I was wondering if I could get a comment from you.

Orlando: About what?

Daniel: Isn’t it obvious what I’m gonna ask?

Orlando: Listen, I HAD to throw Jackson…..

Daniel: FUCK THAT….I don’t care about that bleached blond son of a bitch, what I want to know is if your gonna take up Christian’s offer and be his guest on the Twilight Zone?

A blank stare is all that Daniel gets as a response. Without uttering so much as a word Orlando walks off, Ackart left to fill in his explanation.

Daniel: I’ll take that as a no comment.

Orlando keeps walking down the corridor, head lowered and shaking. Obviously he’s got A LOT on his mind, being pressured from absolutely every possible direction.

Jon: Hey Boss…..

A somewhat sullen and equally as pressured Rich tries to cut Orlando off, stepping in the path of the Icon.

Rich: I could really use some advis…..

Cruze: I don’t have time for this right now.

Orlando walks right past Jon, leaving him more lost and directionless than ever. Jon watches him leave with sunken eyes. They briefly divert towards Ackart who can only shrug his shoulders.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Hulk Hogan’s GREATEST film role yet

BEG

Hurse: I lived up to my end of the bargain. I laid down out there and made sure Psycho wouldn’t interfere, so are we good?

The banged up Hurse places the majority of his weight on the edge of the desk. He stares over it longingly at the person placed in Dan Douglas’ seat of authority, Robin Brooks. She rests her hands on her pregnant stomach and continues to contemplate her response.

Robin: Hmmmm…..

Hurse: COME ON! I did everything that you asked.

Brooks: Oh really?

She tries to obscure her laughter behind her palm.

Robin: Poor gullible Steven. You’ve barely even scratched the surface of what I want from you.

Now it’s Hurse’s palm that tries to obscure his emotion, and it isn’t glee.

Hurse: You told me that if I went out there and laid down, 1-2-3, for the Five Star Society that you wouldn’t compete in the ring and risk hurting MY son.

Robin: And I didn’t, did I? I let Kitty sub in for me. BUT, next week, who knows, maybe I’ll have that itch to get in the ring again. The itch to make all these peasants bow at the feet of their Queen!

Hurse is shocked by the disregard for their unborn child’s well being.

Hurse: We don’t have time for your megalomania, just STOP, stop and THINK.…..

Brooks: I AM thinking, I never stop thinking, Steven. I’m thinking about all the work that goes into being a single parent, all the diaper changing, and swollen nipples, it isn’t gonna be fun. And how am I supposed to take care of OUR son without money? I need to support me and my child, which means I have to step into the ring.

Hurse: NO! If you go out there and….

Robin: And I won’t, IF, you continue to play ball. IF you continue to prove yourself WORTHY of being in little Stevie’s life…..

Hurse: I will, just as long as you…..

Brooks:….I make no promises, Steven. I’m not like you, I don’t break my vows.

He is stung by the slightest reference to their botched wedding.

Robin: I’ll stay out of the ring, as long as you keep doing as I say. As long as you start earning a living for the BOTH of us.

Hurse: Weeelll, it seems that you have me by the balls.

Robin: Wouldn’t be the first time.

Hurse: I’ll do what you order, for now, until my son is ripped from your toxic belly!

The amused Brooks giggles as she rises from the chair, leans over the desk and puts the tip of his nail to his chin. She scrapes the nail across his flesh, causing him to fall under a trance.

Brooks: We all know my only toxic element is addiction. You can’t get enough of me, Steven, just admit that it’s my life you want to be part of.

Hurse: Well I….uh…..well see…..

Robin: And maybe one day, far in the future, when I’m REALLLLLY desperate I’ll take you back, should you be a good little boy. You’ll have a chance to prove yourself to me, and make sure I can keep my job without even having to step into the ring, NEXT WEEK.

Hurse: What now?

The easily swayed Hurse breaks free from this mystic enchantment placed upon him. Robin eases into her chair, slowly twisting from side to side.

Brooks: If you don’t want me in the ring, FINE, you’ll compete in your match, AFTER you’ve competed in mine. So there, problem solved, I won’t desperately have to look for a surrogate, I’ll still earn a paycheck, and you’ll show demonstrate just how much you really love our son.

Hurse is almost too dumbfounded by this revelation to utter a response.

Robin: Oh, and by the way, next week, I’m taking on TOO MAGNIFICENT…..

A shiver goes down Hurse’s crooked spine. The chair spins so that it’s back is aimed at Hurse, now forced to stand there and quiver at the sound of Robin’s giggles.

2009 YEAR END AWARDS

The 2009 Year End Awards continue this time with Crazy Eddie Mitchell and Carlos Marquez strolling through the curtains towards the podium. Many of the fans are shocked to see Crazy Eddie in the building, still wearing his flannel and Special Olympics medal. In stark contrast to the rustic duds of his co-presenter Carlos is dressed in a bright metro-sexual ensemble, complete with a pink feathered boa wrapped about his neck and a French beret on top his head.

Carlos: Hiiiiii dolls.

He waves with a limp wrist towards the fans.

Carlos: I bet everyone here missed my keen fashion sense and my sugary sweet demeanor.

There are a lot of cheers from the crowd, people fondly recalling the living legend that is Carlos Marquez.

Carlos: Awww, Carlos loves you too darlings. And how about everyone give it up for my co-presenter here tonight, the delectable EDDIE MITCHELL!

A rousing ovation is heard for Eddie, who now sports a dyed red goatee.

Eddie: That righ’, it be that good ole’ boy Craaaaaazzzy Eddie Mitchell, YEEEEEEHHHHAAWWW!

He spins the envelope above his head like it were a lasso.

Eddie: We’re here tonight to pay tribute to a true, red, white and blue blooded American folk-hero.

One of Carlos’ eyebrows rise, belying his confusion.

Eddie: Me and my newest drinkin’ buddy wanna present this here award for lifetime achievement to a legend….

Carlos attempts to correct Eddie but can’t get a word in edgewise.

Eddie: To an icon, to a man as immortal as Duncan McCloud. I talkin’ bout a man who does pushups by shoving the world down instead of himself up. I talkin’ bout a man who destroys the periodic table cause he only recognizes the element of surprise. I talkin’ bout a national treasure, a man who can kill two stones with one bird. A man who doesn’t wear a watch cause HE decide what time it is. That man is everyone’s hero, MY hero, Chuck Norris!

A loud whistle emanates from Crazy Eddie’s mouth as he rallies the fans to their feet. All Carlos can do is watch on with a shocked expression on his face.

Carlos: I think my oh so scrumptious co-presenter is a bit confused.

Eddie: Hell nah’, I ain’t confused, I here to present this award to Chuck. Where he be?

Carlos: Sorry sweety, but we’re not presenting an award to Chuck Norris.

Eddie: Yeah-huh.

Carlos: No, we’re here to present the award for Match of the Year.

Eddie: WHAT!?! I only agreed to this cause I thought I’d get to meet Chuck.

Carlos: Sorry, but at the very least you got to meet me, and I bet I have a real purtty mouth don’t I?

Eddie is inconsolable at this point, on the verge of tearing up as he realizes he will not be meeting his hero.

Marquez: Ohhh well, let’s see the nominees for Match of the Year. Yay, oily men in spandex, my dreams have come true!

Hype is built around the pending award by means of yet another video montage, hooray!

Steel Cage Elimination

The Paranoia VI main event was filled with twists, turns and grizzly images, now shown through a compilation of highlights. Christian Savior spearing Johnny Kingdom is seen before cutting to Orlando Cruze crucifix powerbombing Alex Ingelson out of the cage door onto Pat Evans. Even more disturbing clips are showcased as Kingdom drops Dan Douglas on the turnbuckle with an Exodus Finale brainbuster. This shot is followed up with an image of Evans delivering the Spinal Tap on Nathan Creed from the top rope. The final clips feature Jason Wheeler pinning and retiring Orlando Cruze before ultimately settling on Johnny Kingdom holding the World Title high above his head.

The Overbooked Extravaganza Gauntlet

If the video montage wasn’t chaotic before now it’s positively erratic. Bodies are shown flying in all different directions as the war wages on for just about every championship in the IWC. There is a highlight of Savior delivering the diamond cutter on Simon Cagero, as well images featuring Robin Brooks being forced into submission by Jackson Adams. The highlights continue as Porno Lad is shown nailing Savior with the Epic Fail before AWOL pins the Rising Phoenix. Ultimately the video ends with Simon Cagero hitting an elevated Break the Silence and celebrating with the World Title on top of Too Magnificent’s shoulders.

Riggs vs. Simon Cagero vs. Christian Savior vs. Katelyn Parkwood vs. Porno Lad

One of the most shocking main events of the year, taking place at Upping the Ante is now prominently featured. There are dazzling clips of Simon flying through the ropes, Riggs hitting the double arm DDT on Christian, Katelyn celebrating with the N.H.B Title, Savior hitting the Soul Survivor on Porno Lad and so much more. The final shots relay the gruesome conclusion to the match as Riggs goes for a senton bomb through a table only for Cagero to be pulled out of the way, causing him to crash right through the wood.

Porno Lad vs. Hurse: Last Man Standing

The images now on the screen relate to Porno Lad and Hurse coming face to face in the ring before shifting to clips from their violent encounter. Hurse is seen working over Porno Lad’s leg, thoroughly dissecting it before the clips cut to the Master of Control being back dropped through a hole in the stage. The Original Prankster is then featured diving off the top of a production truck right on top of Hurse. This exciting match at Paranoia VI finally concludes with Porno Lad, injured leg and all drilling Hurse in the face with the Epic Fail and keeping him down for the full ten count.

The Cartel Title Resolution Rumble

Another match from the biggest show of the year takes center stage. All the oddballs and stars come out to compete in this over the top rope rumble, such as Zombie Buddy Holly, the Mathematician, Psycho, Katie Steward, Axl Evermore, Shin Iwate and so many more. Rick-Rohl is shown in a dance off with Disco Ninja before the film switches to BFG being double suplexed off the top of a ladder. Katie is featured hanging out high above the ring wrapped around a cable, before her opponents begin climbing on top of one another, forming a pyramid in which to reach her. The closing shot is that of Axl low bridging Psycho and sending him tumbling over the ropes to secure the Cartel Championship.

Johnny Kingdom vs. Pat Evans: World Heavyweight Championship

Some of the very memorable scenes from the clash at Upping the Ante now take prominence with Kingdom and Evans colliding for the title. Johnny is shown hitting the Exodus Finale before cutting to Evans delivering the crucifix powerbomb on the champ. Evans is featured applying the ankle lock then having his arm placed in the crossface. This grueling back and forth match culminations with the interference of Christian Savior, costly Evans the title and Johnny a chance to retain it simultaneously.

The obscenely long video package ends, bringing the viewers back to the stage where Crazy Eddie is still distraught and Carlos remains as flamboyant as ever.

Carlos: And the winner is…..

Eddie: If it’s not Chuck Norris why should anyone care?

Carlos: Hush now. The award for match of the year goes to……..Steel Cage Elimination!

The crowd unleashes a loud pop, putting their hands together. Inside of the ring however, Riggs and Psycho just watch on stoically, having no reaction to the outcome of this voting. The bout that saw the retirement of Orlando Cruze, the destruction of Dan Douglas, the dissolution of Jason’s and Christian’s brotherhood, topped off with Johnny Kingdom winning the World Title in a feud that spanned two years has justly taken home the award for match of the year. Carlos claps while Eddie continues to hang his head sullenly. They both perk up a bit however, when the last person they expected to see comes sauntering through the curtains.

Billy: Whaaaa…..why is he coming back out here? He wasn’t even involved in Steel Cage Elimination.

Strolling to the stage with a wide grin on his face is Fox Arcane, the Breakout Star award tucked under his armpit and the X-Class Title wrapped about his shoulder. He approaches the podium and forces the trophy out of Carlos’ hand. Both Marquez and Crazy Eddie back away shrugging their shoulders, unsure what, if anything, they should do.

Mayne: Has Fox confused himself with Kanye West again?

A toothy Arcane steps to the microphone, smiling as wide as his cheeks will allow.

Arcane: Boy, those voting polls must have been full of glitches. It’s okay though because I’m here to accept this award on behalf of the RIGHTFUL winner of match of the year, ME.

Boos drown out Arcane’s words, causing him to pause briefly.

Fox: ANY of my matches far surpass the quality of Steel Cage Elimination. I stole the show on every card, even when I wasn’t booked. If you need proof, just look at what I accomplished here tonight, I put on a five star….no, no, five stars aren’t enough, I put on a twelve star match and in the process I won THIS!

The X-Class Championship is raised high above the head of Arcane and as a result he receives a mixed reaction.

Arcane: Not to mention winning the Break Out Star in 2010 Award.

With his other hand he holds up the trophy.

Arcane: My matches and my accomplishments are far grander than anything anyone has EVER achieved, and you had best believe that I’m only just getting started. So I guess there’s only one thing left to say….I’m the KING OF THE WOOOOORLD!

He holds up both trophies and his championship, receiving a dubious reaction from the sold out crowd.

Billy: James Cameron eat your heart out. Although he probably already did after making True Lies.

Arcane continues to celebrate by kissing his trophies and his newly won X-Class Championship. Carlos and Crazy Eddie stand back clapping despite having no idea what is happening here tonight.

Billy: I think our guest presenters are just as confused as I am, not about sexual preferences or why sheep are so sexy.

The trophy is hoisted up high as Arcane backs across the stage and finds his celebration cut short by the lyrics of

FALLING IN THE BLACK

All eyes rush to the curtains which tear down the middle and give way to Christian Savior. Onto the stage emerges the well dressed athlete, mic in one hand, Cartel Championship belt in the other. At the sight of Fox holding his X-Class gold Christian is enticed to out do him by throwing his own belt onto his shoulder. Arcane smirks and Savior shakes his head before starting towards the ring as well as starting in on the mic.

Christian: Ladies and gentlemen, you’re traveling through another dimension…….

Savior continues down the ramp before eventually reaching the apron, which he pauses upon.

Savior: A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind…..

The crowd grows ill as Christian continues his copyright infringing monologue.

Christian: A journey into a wondrous land whose only boundaries are that of the imagination. Next Stop…..

He steps to the center of the ring, rears back his head and then stretches his arms out to his sides as the spotlight hits his back.

Savior: THE TWILIGHT ZONE!!!

The fans voice their disapproval and their dejection but Christian is immune to their ill will.

Billy: YES! Party time, excellent! Who came up with that again? Oh yeah, Bill and Ted.

The microphone draws back slowly to Christian’s lips so that he can continue building hype.

Savior: And on this auspicious telecast, on a talk show that isn’t in danger of being cancelled by NBC, I will bring to you the BIGGEST guest ever. Seriously, have you seen the size of this guy’s melon? I’m talking about a guest that will knock your socks off….if you were wearing any…..that man being, ORLANDO CRUZE!!

His hand gestures towards the entry way, but there is no sign of the Icon.

Mayne: Cruze must have stage fright. I’d be a little nervous too being a guest on such a high profile show.

Christian’s hand lowers and his head shakes.

Christian: Well this is only a lill embarrassing. It’s okay, it’s okay Orlando, I know the butterflies have to be churning in your stomach. You’ve never been part of a talk show that is seen by not millions, but BILLIONS around the world, I know that makes you a wee bit nervous. There’s no need for concern though, I won’t ask you the difficult questions and don’t be worried about the rest of the Five Star Society, I can assure you they are not waiting in the wings. This is between you and m……

YOU KNOW MY NAME!

These lyrics rip through the PA system and sends the crowd into an absolute uproar. Before long Orlando Cruze is storming to the stage where he pauses and lifts a fist high into the air. He is greeted with an outpouring of screams from the packed crowd. Savior watches all of this with a grin, amused that Orlando would actually take him up on his offer to be a guest here tonight on his revered talk show.

Billy: I can’t belie…..no, I mean, it’s about time Orlando finally got his ass out here, you don’t leave the host of the Twilight Zone waiting. I’d kill to be on this show, literally, I would. And I have killed someone before, of course I accidentally hit the reset button and had to fight Dr. Robotnic all over again.

The tension is absolutely palpable as Orlando moves up the stairs and eventually slips into the ring. He now finds himself separated from Savior by mere inches, the Icon and the Rising Phoenix going nose to nose. The crowd can feel the animosity radiating outward from both men as they come in such close proximity. The desire to pick up where they left off at Extinction is a difficult impulse to repress, but somehow they hold back.

Christian: I’m very pleased that you could make it on the show, Orlando. Would you have a seat?

He motions to the stools that were positioned in the ring during the last award presentation. Cruze steps towards the stool only to grab the microphone placed on top of it.

Orlando: I think I’ll be more comfortable standing actually.

Savior: To each his own.

While Cruze stands Savior takes a seat.

Christian: Once again allow me to express what an HONOR it is to have you on…..

Orlando: What is this about Christian?

Savior seems offended that he’s not being taken at face value.

Savior: I don’t get it? Are you implying that I have some kind of plot…..

Cruze: I’m implying nothing. I know that you didn’t bring me out here just to chat.

The paranoid Cruze is well justified in his…..paranoia. The host continues to feign surprise over his guest’s distrusting nature.

Christian: Okay Orlando, if you don’t want to carry on a civilized conversation, if you don’t want to shoot the shit, then by all means I’ll get to the point.

Orlando: Good.

Savior: I know we both have very hectic schedules given our administrative duties.

Orlando sighs at the mere mention that he and Christian are technically partners in the head office.

Christian: So why don’t I just put you right in the hot seat and ask what everyone wants to know. Why? Why are you back in an IWC ring? What could have possibly compelled you to become an active member of this roster once again? Was it your desperate need to be in the spotlight? Your inability to see others be successful? Was it the fear that your legacy was being forgotten? Or were you just fed up with the wife and kids?

A long stern glare is directed towards Savior, informing him that he touched on a sour spot.

Orlando: You, and everyone else in this building knows why I chose to lace my boots up again.

Savior: We do?

Orlando: Yes. I knew that as long as I was behind a desk that there was nothing I could do about the likes of you and the Five Star Society. Sure, I could have used my position to fire you, as per your request, which in the end would just validate all the claims of biasness that you made against me. But I wasn’t about to turn into Dan Douglas or Sheryl Gray, I wasn’t about to abuse my authority and ruin my credibility just to get rid of you……

Christian: Awwww.

Cruze: I know that the only honorable way to get rid of you, to end you, Christian, is to do it in the center of this ring, and to do it MYSELF. That’s why I’m back in this ring, Savior, to deal with you man to man instead of from across a desk.

To the surprise of many, Cruze included, Christian is actually clapping his hands, putting his palms together.

Savior: Isn’t that sweet? Contradictory and hypocritical in every way, but still sweet nevertheless.

Orlando is already biting his lower lip, hoping it will give him some self restraint.

Christian: You claim that you didn’t want to become another Sheryl Gray by abusing your power? Well what do you call manipulating an entire pay-per-view, and building it up around your return to the ring? That seems like an abuse of power to me, and worse yet, it seems like it was all designed to put you back in the spotlight.

Orlando: No, it was an attempt to unsettle and to unnerve. That’s what you and AWOL seem unable to understand. It was a strategy…..

Savior: A strategy that FAILED. And regardless of what your intentions were, Cruze, you still proved me right in the end. You’re just as power hungry and corrupt as anyone, with the exception of Douglas, who’s been in your position before. Thankfully, now that Dan has given me my opportunity to lead, the fans will finally have a president they can respect, one that isn’t controlled by his emotions. And a real FAMILY man at that.

Orlando bites down on his lower lip even further.

Christian: That’s why I called you out here Orlando, I had to make sure your little return speech was put into proper perspective. These fans need to know your true motivations, Cruze, you seriously need to stop patronizing them with your catch phrases and your monikers and your ass kissing. They need to know the cold hard TRUTH. And the truth is, your corrupt, your petty, and the only reason you came back is so that the Five Star Society wouldn’t bury your legacy in a shallow grave.

The teeth remove from Orlando’s gnawed lip and his gums start flapping as he laughs hysterically.

Orlando: How insightful of you, Christian, WRONG in every single way, but insightful.

Savior does not take kindly to his wording being used against him.

Cruze: What I told these people was the truth. They know the REAL reason I came back to this company. They know it doesn’t have a thing to do with seeking the spotlight or holding others down. They know that I came back to the ring for one reason, and one reason only, because it was the only way to deal with you and the likes of the Five Star Society.

Christian: Hahahaha, and have you dealt with us? I don’t think so. You failed to put an end to me in Steel Cage Elimination. You failed to quash the FSS uprising while you were president. You failed to defeat the Five Star Society when you returned to the ring. To put it blunt, you’re a failure. Nothing you do, no matter what strategy you employ, rather it be in the front office, or in the ring, will be enough. You just don’t have what it takes to defeat me, Orlando. You don’t have what it takes to bring down the Five Star Society. Hell, you don’t even have what it takes to hold your family together.

Orlando lowers his head and scratches his jaw, looking rather sullen as Savior now stands before him. Christian finds great satisfaction in the President’s distraught state of mind.

Orlando: Hmmmm, maybe you have a point.

Christian’s grin widens.

Cruze: But even though I fail at so many things, I know there’s ONE thing that I’m successful at.

Savior: Yeah?

Orlando: Knocking you on your ass.

Before Christian can respond he’s caught across the chest, heaved into the air and planted to the canvas with the Rock Bottom.

Mayne: HIIIYYYAAA! That looked as painful as sitting through a whole episode of MASH. Alan Alda’s eyebrows frighten me.

Christian’s back is bridged from the canvas, his jaw hanging open and his whole body tensed from pain. Orlando leaps to his feet, fixes his attire and then backs away from Savior who is still writhing across the ring. He is on the verge of vacating the squared circle before he stops, turns around and grabs the microphone from the canvas.

Orlando: Oh, by the way, I seem to remember that you have a title match here tonight.

The fans know where Orlando is going with this, bringing him to wink in their direction.

Cruze: How about we go ahead and get that match started NOW!

The mic is tossed to the canvas beside Christian’s paralyzed body, Orlando turning to toss the stools out of the ring before he departs.

Billy: Orlando has to be the worst guest to have ever appeared on the Twilight Zone. His reaction here tonight was reprehensible. If a guest had done this type of thing to Jay Leno, then they would never work in show business again. And how can you hurt Jay Leno? His chin is just so beautiful.

CHRISTIAN SAVIOR © VS. PAT EVANS

Christian remains sprawled and quivering on the canvas thanks to Orlando Cruze, the Fallen Icon backing up the ramp. He watches with eyes devoid of emotion as Savior tries to recover from the Rock Bottom, the optimal word being, “tries.” Before he can even start to move his appendages Christian hears the lyrics of “Outsider” hitting the PA system, reminding him of his pending clash with long time rival Pat Evans.

Billy: Hold it, hold it, hold it, don’t tell me that Orlando was serious when he said that he was going to get this Cartel Title match started. So not only does he disrespect Savior when he was a guest on the Twilight Zone but now he uses his power to unlawfully force Christian into a title match? This guy is the ultimate corrupt politician.

The reaction from the crowd only gets louder as through the curtains storms Patrick James Evans, the contender for the Cartel Title. As he passes by Cruze the two exchange a stare, no strangers to one another. Their long standing issues will have to be resolved on another night as the two are united for once by their common goal to see Christian unseated as champion. Evans quickly slides into the ring and instead of punishing Savior physically he attempts to do so mentally by taking away his precious title belt.

Evans crawls into the cover and hooks both legs of the Champion, anxiously shouting for a referee. Official Fitzpatrick comes barreling down the ramp, sliding into the ring and immediately slapping the canvas.

Billy: This is completely unfair. Why aren’t the Five Star Society intervening?

The fans count along as the ref’s hand slaps the canvas, realizing that Savior’s title reign is at an end.

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The Rising Phoenix lives up to his moniker by flying from the ashes, his shoulder elevated off of the canvas.

Mayne: Oh yes, oh thank God, oh good gravy, oh praise be to Allah. I’m so excited I might start speaking in tongues, just like when Scott Steiner conducts a promo.

All those packed in the Manhattan Center throw their arms up in dismay over Christian’s kick out. The persistent Savior turns to his side before having his hair snatched and utilized to drag him up to his feet. The moment he stands Evans delivers a straight headbunt taking him backwards into the ropes. Evans then steps in and delivers a knife edge chop, followed by another, and then a third.

The strikes are stiff enough to echo throughout the Manhattan Center and send Savior twirling across the ring and eventually ending up with his spine wedged to a turnbuckle. He is perfectly placed for Evans who almost caves in his sternum with chop after chop delivering at blinding speed.

Billy: Stop this, your gonna knock off one of Christian’s nipples.

All the blood is rushing to the surface of Christian’s skin, making his chest as red as Rudolph’s nose. The remorseless Evans continues swinging until he sees that blood pour through the cracks his hand creates in Savior’s skin. Christian finally snaps out of it and throws a fist, nailing Evans between the eyes and taking him back a few steps.

He swings his arms to remain upright while Savior now rushes out of the corner and attempts a lariat. His bicep just misses Evans’ head, Pat quick enough to duck under it. A startled Christian spins around and receives yet another chop to the chest, and then another, and another, and another, and another. Finally Pat swings his hand with enough force to almost crack Christian’s chest bone and send him toppling over to the canvas.

Mayne: This is a miscarriage of justice. It’s just like that film The Fugitive. I don’t why Hollywood keeps subjecting to me to Julian Moore’s face.

Small welts have formed on the surface of Christian’s chest which are of much concern to the paralyzed champion. Evans continues to come at him non stop, now taking Savior around the head, forcing him up to his feet and into a front chancery. He snaps back into a basic but effective vertical suplex and then floats over into another lateral press.

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Christian’s shoulder escapes the canvas and ensures that his title stays around his waist. He tries to roll away from Evans but doesn’t get very far. Pat is right on top of him with stomps to the back of the head and shoulders. Eventually Evans takes him around the neck, forces Savior up to his feet and drops back into a brain scrambling Evenflow DDT.

The force of his head hitting canvas sends the Rising Phoenix flopping over to his back where he is quickly subjected to another pinfall attempt by Evans.

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In the process of kicking out Christian rolls under the ropes and spills out of the ring.

Billy: Good, good, get away from him Christian. Grab a child out of the crowd and use them as a human shield.

Savior palms his chest which feels like ground hamburger. Given the condition of his chest and the sheer dominance of Evans thus far, Savior decides it would be best to live to fight another day. He heads towards the barricade, beginning to step over it in order to escape the wrath of his vicious opponent.

There is no escape from Evans. He grabs the tights of Christian, pulls him back over to the mats and spins him around so that his back is propped against the barrier. Evans now drills him to the chest with knife edge chop after knife edge chop.

Mayne: He can’t even get away from those chops on the outside of the ring. Show some leniency Evans, I mean this is the guy who saved your career.

With a handful of Christian’s wrist Evans sends him sailing into the steel steps at this point. Christian’s shoulder takes much of the impact and his body is sent crashing into the mats where he writhes in pain.

From the safety of the ring Fitzpatrick shouts at the challenger and champion to re-enter the ring, threatening to count them both out. Evans isn’t about to let Christian leave with the title thanks to a technicality. He gets control of himself, pulls Savior to his feet and reinserts him into the ring.

He now begins to slide in himself before Christian shockingly hops to his feet and attempts to stomp him to the back of the skull. Pat pulls back at the last second, standing up outside of the ring and then reaching under the ropes for the boot that attempted to cave in his skull. His arms wrap around the ankle and Christian’s foot is yanked out from under him. He collapses to his back with Pat trying to apply the ankle lock from the outside of the ring, the crowd rallying behind his attempt to do so.

Billy: No, fight it off Christian, fight it off! Don’t let him get that hold locked in. You’ll never be able to dance like a quintessential white man ever again.

Before the submission can be fully established and irreparable damage done to the ankle Christian is able to kick Evans off. Pat staggers before planting his feet and then leaping to the apron. He sticks his head through the top and middle cable when Christian suddenly leaps into the air, catches him around the neck then delivers the diamond cutter.

Mayne: YAY! That may have been the game winner.

The fans watch with horror as Evans is dragged face first into the canvas with such violent velocity. Evans now lays sprawled across his back, Christian just a few inches away. Those inches feel like miles to the traumatized Savior however, who is unable to capitalize on his own handiwork.

Billy: Come on Christian, just roll over, just roll over. Why do I feel like I’m training a St. Bernard?

Christian slowly turns towards Evans but it’s too late, Pat is already crawling into the cables and trying to stand up. Although a normal man would be debilitated by the cutter Evans shows that he’s no mere mortal. He reaches his feet just as Christian stumbles towards him and delivers a clubbing blow straight to the back of his neck. Savior now takes him around the chin, pulls him away from the cables and drops to the canvas, delivering a reverse neckbreaker.

Mayne: Go for the pin buddy, get on top of him! Wow, I haven’t uttered those words since I was in that S&M club.

Savior rolls towards Pat and stretches across his sternum, forearm buried into Evan’s face for good measure. His head bobs with each slap of the ring.

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Pat kicks out, his shoulder having launched from canvas seconds before the three count could be finalized. Savior stands up, his face flushed with emotion as he now begins stomping Pat to the face repeatedly. Even the boots to the skull are not enough to keep Pat down as he continues rolling towards his feet. He gets to his knees as Christian peppers him to the hairline with repeated jabs.

Once Savior realizes that his punches aren’t enough to keep Evans down he turns and takes off into the ropes. He turns to bounce off just as Evans rushes in and lariats him to the throat, taking Christian over the cables to the outside mats.

Billy: Who lit this fire under Pat’s ass? I wonder if he’s been eating a lot of burritos.

Christian lands on his feet but collapses to his back after being taken over the ropes. He rolls to his elbows and knees and begins crawling away from the ring once again, deciding that this is no more than a lost cause. The damaged Savior reaches his feet and limps his way up the ramp, blowing off the match entirely.

Mayne: That’s right Christian, LEAVE, you shouldn’t have to compete under these conditions. This is like working in a damn sweat shop.

The disgruntled Savior continues up the ramp, having no qualms with abandoning the match. Once again Evans must give pursuit. He rolls under the ropes and rushes up the ramp straight towards Christian, grabbing him by the shoulder and spinning him around. The moment he turns to face Evans he lifts his boot and kicks Pat right between the uprights. The fans squeal as Evans doubles over, is taken around the neck and planted skull first into the steel with a thunderous DDT.

Billy: Yay, he suckered him in and Evans fell hook line and sinker into his trap. Christian is genius, he’s brilliant, he’s Machiavellian.

The warped frame of Savior drags Evans by the hair to his feet then charges him towards the ring. He moves as quickly as he can to get Evans under the ropes and back inside of the squared circle. An urgent Savior slides in and crawls into the lateral press. He slaps the canvas anxiously as the fans watch on screaming.

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Now it’s Evans who defies logic by way of his kick out.

Mayne: It’s bad enough that I don’t have Susie Moore’s chest to look at, but now Pat keeps cramping Christian’s style by keeping this match going.

Christian looks wide eyed at the referee, clearly dejected by the speed of the count. A wheezing Savior reaches his feet, takes the wrists of Evans and pulls his back from the canvas only to deliver an inverted Curb Stomp. The back of Pat’s head nails the canvas and he pops up to his seat as a result. Savior then turns, leaps into the air and nails a dropkick right on the back of the skull.

Evans lurches forward, his neck suffering whiplash. As his spine straightens, Pat sitting back up, Savior gives him a taste of his knee pad. The running knee connects with enough force to not only take Evans over to his back but for Christian to come down beside him.

Billy: That could only help improve Pat’s looks. Actually, I don’t even think a plastic surgeon could help with Evans’ face. Why he’s allowed to take that thing out in public is beyond me.

After having his brain rattled by the running strike Evans rolls away from his aggressive opponent, trying to reach the ropes which will serve as a reprieve. Christian doesn’t let him get very far, grabbing his ankle and then dragging him to the center of the ring. Pat ends up stretched across his stomach with the Rising Phoenix raising an elbow and dropping it directly into his spine.

Evans flops to his back, Christian reaches his feet and then delivers a second elbow drop, this time right to the heart.

Mayne: Stay on him Boss, keep putting on the pressure, and while your at it, you could always buy me that massage chair I was promised in my new contract.

This physical onslaught has Evans weary, he sits up on the canvas only to be subjected to a double arm chickenwing. Christian drops down behind him and hooks both biceps, interlocking his hands between Pat’s shoulder blades. He leans back, stretching and the shoulders until they almost pop from their sockets.

Billy: Give it up already Pat, stop subjecting us all to your lackluster wrestling skills and that whole emo, Seattle grunge look. Get out of the nineties you bastard.

All the fist thumping and demands in the world will not take the fight outta Pat Evans. He struggles towards his feet, knee wedged under his body and elevating him from the canvas. Christian now headbunts Pat right where the spine connects to the skull. Pat is brought right back to his seat with Savior standing behind him.

He leans down, spine arched in order to put even more pressure on the hold and give him better leverage.

Mayne: Mwahahahahaha, it’s all over now Evans. Tap out and spare yourself even further humiliation. Believe me, that hair style has already embarrassed you enough.

Christian can feel the energy dissipating within his opponent, knowing that if he can keep this pressure on that victory will come in mere seconds.

What he doesn’t feel however, is the sudden surge of adrenaline that courses through Pat’s body. He grinds his teeth and forces his way up, not about to give into a man who has done everything possible to hold him back over the past two years. He remembers every condescending word, every put down, every shot that Christian has taken not only at his career but his dignity.

These memories are all the fuel that Pat needs to reach his feet. Christian exerts every more pressure, but all the leverage he puts on the hold is pointless, powerless against the rage brewing inside of the challenger. He shakes his head in disbelief as Pat stands before him, beginning to pry the hands of his opponent apart as he breaks free from the double chickenwing.

Billy: This isn’t happening, is Pat being powered by gamma radiation or something?

Savior frantically shakes his head as his hands get further and further apart, realizing that he is not losing control of this hold but of the match as well.

It isn’t until the hold is fully broken that Christian realizes Evans will not fall victim to his usual tactics. He is actually shoved off by Evans and sent back a few steps as Pat swings towards him with another knife edge chop. The chest caving blow is avoided this time, Savior ducking it and in the process throwing his shoulder into Pat’s ribcage.

Mayne: Ah-ha, best counter ever.

The air has been knocked out of Evans’ lungs, doubled over and wincing in pain. Christian stands up in front of him, and then reaches over his shoulder, grabbing both arms once again.

Billy: He’s going right back to the hold, this is wondrous. I feel like a kid who just stepped into Willie Wonka’s Chocolate factory, before all the molestation and courtroom drama.

The crowd groans at the thought of Christian re-establishing the hold and wearing Evans down even further. Pat isn’t about to put the fans, or himself, through such grief. He stands up and shows remarkable strength by pushing past the pain in his ribs and tossing Christian into the air.

Savior flips over his shoulder and lands on the ring beneath his rival’s seat. He reaches up, hooks the hips of Evans and goes for the sit-out pin. Pat flails his arms, desperately trying to keep from being pulled down into the pin for the three count. After everything he went through to get this match he isn’t about to sacrifice victory over Savior at this point.

He suddenly bends forward and slaps Christian as hard to the cheek as he possibly can. The pimp slap leaves Christian feeling like Pat’s hoe, turning to his shoulder and possibly spitting out some blood.

Mayne: You don’t slap Christian. The doctor who delivered Savior didn’t even do it, because he knew Savior would slap him right back. Just not on the ass, cause that be kinda gay.

The redness has spread from Savior’s chest to his cheek, wearing the scars of this brutal, intense title bout. Evans now grabs him by the hair, sits Savior up and drills him across the upper back with a knife edge chop. Savior winces and quivers from the pain coursing all down his spinal column. Pat now steps in front of him and delivers a straight knife edge chop directly across his forehead.

The blow connects with enough force to rip flesh, Christian sent to his back looking a bit glossy eyed. The chop to the skull may have cracked bone and bruised brain but that’s not even a fraction of the pain Pat intends on inflicting upon Savior. With the Champion on his back the Challenger heads for the turnbuckle. He scales it to the middle rope and then flies forward, dropping forearm first in a Bret Hart-esque manner into the face of the Rising Phoenix.

Billy: WHAT!?! How dare someone actually connect with a move off of the turnbuckle. That’s unheard of here in the IWC.

Momentum is definitely in Evans’ favor as he reaches his feet, backs into the turnbuckle and pulls himself to the middle rope. He once again leaps forward and meets with the same result, his forearm slamming directly into the bridge of Christian’s nose. His whole body quivers from the blow and the crowd rejoices. Pat now falls forward onto Christian’s chest, prepared to finally put him away.

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Christian doesn’t go down that easily. The former World Champion forces his shoulder from the ring as he turns onto his side, hyperventilating.

Billy: HA-HA. You can’t beat Savior on the ground, you can’t beat him outside, and you can’t beat him in the air. Face it Evans, your fighting a lost cause her against a superior athlete. You’re the equivalent of Danny Devito versus Chuck Norris.

Although his pin didn’t pan out Pat doesn’t weep over spilt milk, he stands and looks to finish this match after Christian used up so much of his energy to kick out. His hair is tangled up in Pat’s hands and his head is forced under the Challenger’s seat. He backs towards a corner and points to the center of the ring, receiving a rousing ovation as a result. His arms finally wrap around Savior’s waist before his body is hoisted into the air and over the shoulder of the technical tyrant.

Billy: Wait, no, no, no, I thought there was a law that specifically forbid Evans ever hitting his actual finishing move, the crucifix powerbomb.

Evans has a firm grasp on Christian’s biceps before he rushes forward to deliver the crucifix bomb that he’s dubbed “From the Outside In.” He is on the brink of tossing Savior through the air and guaranteeing himself the Cartel Championship only for his rival to slip out the book door.

Savior drops to his feet behind Evans, spins around, grabs his arms and tries to force them once again into a double chickenwing. Before Savior can even begin interlocking his fingers Evans charges backwards into the ropes. Both men hit the cables then ricochet off with enough forward momentum for Pat to drop to his knees and send Christian flipping over him.

Christian plummets to the ring seat first and then begins reaching his feet when Evans steps in behind him and hooks the arm.

Mayne: Oh please oh please don’t hit this move Evans. You’ll force Christian to use a chiropractor for the rest of his life, or he might steal that massage chair I was promised. My back needs lovin’ too. Wait, that sounded a bit fruity.

Just before Pat can hoist Christian up into the Spinal Tap he gets a serving of elbow pad. His teeth rattle from the point of the Champion’s elbow being rammed down his gullet. Evans staggers back gripping at his possibly busted lip as Savior turns around and delivers the step up enzugari on his dazed opponent.

What Christian failed to realize was that Evans was playing possum, ducking his head just before the boot could nail him to the back of the skull. Savior falls to his chest as a result and finds crippling pain coursing from his ankle which is being mangled in the grips of the Challenger.

Billy: How did he counter into the ankle lock? Seriously, someone show me a diagram of how that was possible. Christian is too quick to ever be caught in a hold like this.

The sounds of snap, crackle and pop will no longer be heard at Evans’ breakfast table, instead it’ll be coming from Savior’s leg. Christian wedges his elbows to the canvas roaring from the trauma flowing from his nearly snapped ankle. In a desperate act he turns to his back, wedges his feet to Pat’s sternum and shoves him off. Evans hits the canvas and rolls across it to his feet.

He shakes off the DDT he took on the ramp and comes back in at a kneeling Christian who is smart enough to rake the eyes. This illegal cheat brings Savior the precious few seconds he needs to reach his feet and lunge up into the air for yet another diamond cutter. His arm traps a blinded Pat’s neck as he tries to leap forward and plant his face against the canvas.

Mayne: Feliz Navidad! That’s how you say “it’s over,” in Spanish right?

Evans suddenly reaches up and hooks his arm around Christian’s shoulder, providing a last second counter that steals the breath right out of the fans. He heaves Savior up for the Spinal Tap only for Savior to twist in mid-air, slip around his shoulder and land on his feet behind the challenger.

Billy: Gorgeous. The counter, not Christian. Not that Christian’s not gorgeous, just….is there anyway for me to get out of this without sounding like either a queer or an idiot? I’ll just shut my mouth and prey everyone forgets I was just talking.

The moment he lands on the canvas Christian takes off backwards into the ropes. He bounces off and launches towards Evans with the Blaze of Glory, intent on shattering the ribs with his spear. Pat turns just in time to catch Savior around the neck and hook his leg, countering the spear into a small package. But wait, Evans rolls out of the pin, grabs the ankle and forces Christian over to his stomach. He stands up applying the ankle lock once again to a riveting response from the crowd.

Billy: Blaaah, counter, counter quickly!

Savior tries to do just as Billy recommended, rolling to his back and going for the kick off. He’s successful in knocking Evans to his back but not in breaking the submission. Pat keeps his arms wrapped around the ankle and rolls to his side, standing up once again while forcing Savior to his stomach and trapping him in the hold.

Mayne: Whatever you do don’t tap Savior, PLEASE don’t tap.

Christian’s hands slap the canvas but not to tap out, they instead elevate him from the canvas which he desperately tries to cross in order to reach the ropes.

Billy: Keep going fella, keep moving those muscular arms.

Sweat trickles down a face paralyzed with pain, Christian’s muscles tensed and feeling the anguish radiating outward from his ankle. Pat continues to twist and warp the leg, coming closer to the tap out or the win. He looks towards the heavens roaring while Christian glares at the ropes screaming in agony. He falls to his elbows and crawls closer and closer to the ropes which he seems to be separated by from a mile.

Everyone in the Manhattan Center are unified by their desire to see Christian submit, but he’s never been one to give them what they want. He reaches out for the bottom rope on the verge of tipping them with his finger nails before he’s dragged backwards across the ring. Savior tries to dig his nails into the canvas to prevent being pulled back, but there is nothing he can do about it.

Shockingly Evans breaks his own hold in favor of lifting up on the ankle and sending Christian rolling forward to his seat. Pat quickly steps in behind him, hooks up the arm and traps the neck in the Time to Go to Sleep.

Mayne: You’ve got to be kidding…..that’s a choke, it’s an illegal choke ref, do something about it.

If he thought the pain in his ankle was unbearable one can only imagine what Christian is feeling now. He not only finds his neck being torn apart by the bare hands of his rival, but the oxygen flow is being deprived to his head. Nevertheless he stands up with Evans wrenching his head from side to side, the crowd chanting his name in anticipation of his epic victory.

That’s when Christian suddenly pushes back and sends Evans tumbling to his spine, Savior coming down on top of his chest.

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Pat is forced to break his own submission thanks to Christian’s devilish counter.

Billy: Brilliantly done by Christian. I sincerely hopes he writes a book explaining how he became so awesome. I’d be the first in line to buy it.

Christian fills his lungs with air and feels a natural high, inspiring him to try and get up. As the Champion stands the Challenger kneels, shaking his head, having no idea this match would take so much out of him. He looks up from the corner of his eye and sees Christian reaching down for him, inspiring Evans to deliver a straight upward chop that takes Savior right back down to the canvas.

The Rising Phoenix rolls to his knees and tries to stand again only to find that he can’t place very much pressure on his wounded ankle. Pat sees this, motivating him to step in and reach out, grabbing the injured leg of the Champion. He lifts it up to his chest and tries to wrap his arms around it before Christian lunges into the air, wraps his hands around the back of Pat’s neck then pulls him down into the Soul Survivor. The Code Breaker connects, almost breaking Evans’ nose and shattering other bones in his face. He flops over to his back, both banged up and stunned by the unexpected counter.

The crowd is horrified at the prospect that Savior could achieve the win but must now quickly prepare themselves for such a possibility. Savior rolls his sweaty, bruised body over and drops an arm across Pat’s sternum for the three.

Billy: It was a rocky road, but I’m glad it’s now finally come to an end. Somebody get the confetti ready, and don’t let Susie eat it this time.

The referee slides and slaps the ring with the fans roaring in the background.

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3!

The Cartel Champion has retain…..nooo, Evans kicked out.

Mayne: Alright everyone, nothing to see here, go about your business. What you just saw was an optical illusion brought on by the leaky gas pipes that we plug with Spearmint gum.

Christian wishes that Pat’s kick out was all part of a hallucination. He now lies on his back, palms pressed to both sides of his skull, his brain feeling on the verge of exploding.

Billy: It’s alright Champ, just one more offensive move, that’s all it’ll take to end this.

Christian continues to have trouble putting weight on his ankle as he takes Evans by the ears, forces him up to his feet and then traps his head in a front chancery. The crowd anxiously anticipates the inverted DDT, realizing, much to their chagrin, that it could be the very move that ends this grueling Cartel Title bout. Christian grabs Pat by his pants, hoists him up and then drops back, planting Evans right on top of his skull and sending him flopping over to his back.

Instead of going for the pin, which could prove costly, Christian rolls across the ring, ending up in a far corner. He employs the cables to reach his feet and then bends forward, drooling at the prospect of hitting his Blaze of Glory spear. If there’s one move in his arsenal that could finally put an end to Evans’ challenge for the belt, it would be this career shortening spear.

He teems with anticipation, his whole body trembling as he watches Pat expel the energy to reach his feet. Evans is still gripping at the top of his cranium as he stands up and turns towards Savior only to be split in half by the spear. Christian hits every bit of it, driving his shoulder straight through Evans and putting him on the canvas in pieces.

Billy: YES! Now just go for the pin Christian, go for the pin you beautiful son of a bitch.

The fans watch on with dread, screaming and pleading with Evans to kick out as Christian crawls sluggishly into the pin. He drops down on top of Pat and even takes the time to hook the leg this time as he goes for this monumental win.

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3!

And just like this Christian has finally put an end to the saga between himself and Evans…..woops…..Pat kicked out AGAIN.

Billy: NOOOO WAY!

Savior’s whole body has gone as white as a sheet as he sits up and glares at the referee in confusion. He clearly has NO idea how Pat could have gotten a shoulder up after suffering his most damaging maneuver.

Mayne: It’s not…..it isn’t…..it just can’t be right. Nobody kicks out of the Blaze of Glory, nobody.

Savior shivers as he remains seated against the canvas, wondering how Evans kicked out, how he got the shoulder up even after the spear. Despite his surprise Christian remains focused. He drags Evans along to his feet and fires him off into the turnbuckle. Evans spins, hits the corner, arms falling over the cables to support his very traumatized body.

The sweaty, battered Champion reaches his feet then gets a running start, barreling straight towards Evans. He leaps into the air, flying straight at him only to be caught across the chest. At first Evans looks to be going for a standing uranage, only to drop to a knee and deliver a modified Spinal Tap. The crowd erupts into a wave of pure elation as Christian bounces off of the knee, flips back and lands on the canvas. Evans now crawls into the lateral press, throwing his arm over Savior’s chest for the three.

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3!

ANOTHER new Champion has been…..nooooo, Savior’s shoulder evaded the canvas a mere fraction of a second before the three.

Billy: Man, if I had a heart it would have been in my throat.

Evans rests with his forehead wedged to the canvas as well as his knees, mouthing some gibberish. He finally FORCES himself to stand up and slowly approach the turnbuckle. He slips throught he ropes to the apron and sluggishly begins to ascend to the upper most cable. His body is heavily fatigued by both the intensity and duration of this hard fought Cartel Championship main event.

The exhilarated audience continues watching as the challenger gets closer and closer to the top, perhaps ready to take to the air and deliver yet another flying forearm strike. He’s just reached the top rope, on the verge of ending this highly competitive title bout when Savior rolls to his feet and shocks Pat by rushing up the turnbuckle.

He reaches the top rope, takes Evans around the neck and then flies back, pulling Pat along with him into SUPER inverted DDT.

Billy: YAAAAAHHHH! DDT FROM THE TOP!

Evans and Savior lay side by side with the crowd going bonkers over what they just witnessed. Finally, with his least vestige of strength, Christian rolls over, flinging his arm on top of Pat’s sternum.

The crowd begs Evans to kick out as the official slaps the ring and brings this grueling bout to a conclusion.

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3

The standing fans fall into their seats, heart broken to see Christian retain the Cartel Championship in what may have been the toughest match of his IWC career. He falls to his back, breathing heavily, sweat pouring in buckets from his body.

Mayne: I am stunned to hear myself say this, but what a battle, what a war between Christian Savior and Pat Evans for the Cartel Championship. I did not know Pat had it in him to give Savior this type of match, but he definitely showed me something here tonight.

The crowd finally gets over Evans’ loss and provides a standing ovation for the intense match that they just witnessed, a match close to two years in the making. Although it may not have turned out the way they wanted, they still applaud the victor, who truly earned the right to be called Cartel Champion here tonight. Christian pulls himself into a seated position in the corner, unable to even stand in order to celebrate this hard fought victory. Sweat pours down his frame like he just stepped out of the shower. Every muscle in his body is alive and teeming with pain. In spite of it all, his bruised sternum, his swollen ankle and bludgeoned face, Savior is able to hold up the Cartel Championship as it is handed to him.

The sound of his entrance music playing in the background has never been a sweeter sound to the Champion’s ears. Unfortunately that music quickly cuts away in favor of those same stereotypical Award ceremony tunes the fans have been forced to endure all night long.

Billy: What a classic match on a very compelling night full of tits, ass and Susie’s crossed legs. I’m sure there was something else going on, but that’s all I choose to remember. And I just wannna…..wait, we’re still giving out awards? When will this horror end?

2009 YEAR END AWARDS

Even Christian finds himself a tad befuddled as he stands with the aid of the turnbuckle and watches the stage. It isn’t long before the entry way is taken over by two individuals no one ever expected to see together, let alone joined arm in arm. Dan Douglas smiles for the flashing cameras and Sasha Drachewych waves to a surprisingly welcoming audience.

Billy: They actually are together, that’s SCW owner Sasha Drachewych, that’s IWC owner Dan Douglas, this is so huge my heart is about to explode from excitement. Well, that and the diet of Pork Rinds I’ve lived on since age five. And might I add that they make a far greater couple than Bradgalina. They could called Danasha! Would you believe I just came up with that?

The crowd has no idea what to make of this image, finding it difficult to believe that the SCW and IWC Presidents would ever stand side by side. The duo moves to the podium and takes their place behind it. The trophy for IWC Wrestler of the Year oddly enough is held in the hand of SCW’s Sasha Drachewych, a resilient acorn who fell far, FAR from the tree. She looks to be all business here tonight while Dan on the other hand takes a few moments to ham it up. He gestures towards Sasha repeatedly and then to himself, mouthing the words “only I could make this happen.” The flashing cameras have a field day with Dan who seems intent on pandering to the reporters.

Billy: I’m amazed to see Douglas in the building again here tonight, I wasn’t expecting that, but then he goes and trumps HIMSELF by bringing in Sasha Drachewych. I wonder how he seduced her into being his co-presenter? Dan must be such a Casanova.

Douglas takes a moment to point to a confused Christian in the ring, who is just as clueless as all the fans in the building.

Sasha: Ahem…..

Dan continues to smile and grandstand in front of the cameras.

Sasha: Can we PLEASE get on with this?

The agitated tone of the young Drachewych finally puts an end to Douglas’ attention seeking. After a few more winks towards the cameras he steps to the podium and gets into character.

Sasha: Despite what some people may think, Mr. Douglas and I didn’t show up for a mere photo-op.

Dan frowns.

Sasha: Unlike my father I’m not here just for the sake of publicity. Only something GROUND BREAKING could bring me here to the IWC, and bring me and Mr. Douglas together.

Dan grins.

Sasha: The two of us wanted to do something revolutionary, we wanted to put excitement back into this industry. So we’ve come up with a concept that will give you fans something SPECIAL, a little something out of the ordinary.

Dan: An innovation only our keen, BRILLIANT minds could put together. If there’s one thing I’VE always been it’s INNOVATIVE!

Now it’s Sasha who frowns before rolling her eyes.

Douglas: I…..WE’VE come up with an idea that should really shake things up.

Sasha: After several closed door meetings, Mr. Douglas and I…..

Dan:….the oh so saucy Sasha Drachewych.

He lifts her hand and plants a kiss on her knuckles as the violated Sasha refrains from gagging.

Sasha: Have decided that on March 1st, , 2010, for the first time EVER….

Douglas:….Never happened before.

Sahsa: That the IWC and the SCW will be holding a joint pay-per-view from the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City.

The fans are elated by the prospect of seeing the rival federations under one roof, in the same ring, for one oh so special night.

Dan: You heard it right here folks, the SCW and IWC united for one pay-per-view and one pay-per-view only. But that’s not all, no, no, no, I’m not through GIVING yet.

Sasha would make the obligatory jerking off motion if it wouldn’t be deemed unprofessional.

Douglas: The sultry Sasha and I have put together a little match for that pay-per-view, a FATAL FOUR WAY for both the SCW and IWC World Heavyweight Titles!

Billy: Wow.

The presidents give the fans a few minutes to quiet down before proceeding.

Mayne: BOTH titles will be defended in the same match against a top challenger selected from SCW, and a top challenger selected from the IWC. Never before have the IWC and SCW Titles been defended in ONE match, but that all changes on March 1st.

Mayne: That’s bigger than Oprah’s penis.

The excitement swells in the stands, the fans salivating at the mere thought of such an epic, first time ever World Title collision.

Sasha: Now that we’ve announced the first ever SCW & IWC crossover event how about we get to the Superstar of the Year? Sound good to you, Dan?

Douglas: Anything sounds good coming out of your mouth my dear.

Her skin may be crawling yet she proceeds.

Sasha: Here are the nominees for Wrestler of the Year.

As the video montage begins Dan starts waving and smiling towards the flashing cameras in the stands.

CHRISTIAN SAVIOR

The music in the background goes hand in hand with the violent images on screen. There are a multitude of shots ranging from Christian smirking over the body of Johnny Kingdom, to the Rising Phoenix spearing Pat Evans to the ribs. There is an image of Savior holding up the World Heavyweight Title belt, this scene captured from a variety of different camera angles. Finally there are some brief clips of Savior celebrating with Dan Douglas as well as Christian forcing Porno Lad to hand him over the Cartel Championship.

AXL EVERMORE

The next individual subjected to his very own montage of stock footage is the one and only Axl Evermore. The first shot captures him pulling down the top rope and sending Psycho crashing over it to the outside mats. This is followed up by footage of the pony tail sporting superstar delivering a double stunner on both Psycho and Too Magnificent within the confines of the Psychotic Steel Cage. We now see him holding up the Submission Title after forcing Hurse into submission. The last bit of footage features Axl winking in slow motion towards the camera.

PORNO LAD

The turncoat and master manipulator himself is shown on screen presumably to the dejection of the viewing audience. They have even more trouble watching his wide array of accomplishments throughout the 2009 calendar year, such as his delivery of the Epic Fail on Hurse at Paranoia VI. There are also clips of the Original Prankster pinning the likes of Christian Savior, and climbing a ladder to retrieve the N.H.B Championship. Finally Porno Lad is shown celebrating in the center of the ring with the Five Star Society.

JOHNNY KINGDOM

Scenes depicting the magnanimous Team Leader flood the Cartel-tron. There are several images encapsulating the amazing run that Johnny Kingdom has had in 2009. There are scenes in which he delivers the Exodus Finale on Nathan Creed and hits the 450 splash on top of Orlando Cruze. We see him pulling Jackson Adams down into a backslide pin, as well as hitting an Exodus Finale on Dan Douglas. The footage of Johnny Kingdom’s spectacular run culminates to him holding the World Championship above his bloody head within the confines of a steel cage.

SIMON CAGERO

Excitement continues to be generated by the montage, provided through scenes involving everyone’s favorite fucker, Simon Cagero. Although he got a late start to 2009 his run throughout the latter half of the year was still phenomenal. This is represented through the shots of him lording the X-Class Championship and leaping from the top of a ladder through Riggs positioned on a table down below. Cagero is then featured hitting the superkick on Porno Lad and then delivering an elevated Break the Silence on Kingdom.

The video comes to an end and all attention turns back to the stage where Dan Douglas is slowly opening the envelope. He briefly winks at Christian inside of the ring, who pretends to be concerned with the results of the voting. Clearly Christian thinks he has this one in the bag, especially given his connection with the presenter.

Douglas: And the winner of the 2009 Wrestler of the Year is…..

Drum roll.

Dan: PORNO LAD!

Every heart in attendance drops into the acidy pit of a thousand stomachs. All those watching cut loose with their anger and rage over this result. The only person who isn’t responding is Christian Savior, his face stricken with a case of paralysis.

Billy: Wow, YEAH, talk about getting your just desserts. Porno Lad earned this award, it couldn’t have gone to a better man. Not even if Gandhi was in the running. No FUCK Gandhi, Porno Lad would beat him too.

Savior has absolutely no idea what to make of all this, his confusion compounded by the arrival of Porno Lad and Ace Marshall. The duo strolls towards Douglas while giving Sasha the cold shoulder. Dan not only shakes Porno Lad’s hand but also pulls him into a hug. Christian’s features tense at the sight of this embrace, his upper lip curling. Porno Lad pulls away from Douglas and continues to hold a bag of ice to his crotch as the two exchange pleasantries.

Douglas eagerly forks over the trophy to the Original Prankster and makes sure to do it where every camera in the building has a clear view. With the award in his possession Porno Lad steps to the podium and prepares to give what should be a monumental speech.

Porno Lad: Gee, thanks.

His words are almost drowned in jeers and heckles.

Porno Lad: 2009 Wrestler of the Year, wonderful, how positively sexy. It pleases your precious Porno Lad to know that you fans think as highly of me as I do myself. And all I can say is, it’s about time…..

More boos, more heckles.

Porno Lad: It’s about time my sheer awesomeness was rewarded. I deserve this trophy and so much more by virtue of making 2009 ENTERTAINING. Do you know how much work that took? Do you know how difficult it was to generate interest in matches involving the likes of Johnny Kingdom and Hurse? I had to work with the most boring, stale, and uninteresting performers on this roster, and yet somehow I was able to weave crap into gold. I single handedly kept the buyrates from sinking into the toilet. I, and I alone, sent the ratings for Riot! through the roof. My appeal to both the college male and thirteen year old Hannah Montana loving female demographics kept this company afloat! Without me there would have been no reason to watch the IWC in 2009.

Clearly the crowd doesn’t agree. Ace dismissively waves them off as Porno Lad proceeds.

Porno Lad: Come on, it was already a foregone conclusion that I was going to win this award. Nobody, NO-BOD-Y was able to keep you fans as glued to your TV sets as ME! I provided the most riveting, exciting moments of 2009. I put on more FIVE STAR matches than anyone on this roster. And I sported the most glorious head of hair anyone on this roster had ever seen. So I’ve EARNED this….

Porno Lad holds up the trophy to the disgust of the dejected masses.

Porno Lad: And this seems like a good time to bring up something else that I EARNED in 2009. I’m talking about my World Title shot.

If the crowd wasn’t upset before, now their positively enraged at the reminder that Porno Lad is indeed in possession of a title match.

Porno Lad: You, THE FANS, voted and the stipulation was placed on a triple threat match that the winner would receive a World Title opportunity. And only naturally, I WON. Thanks again…..

Groans.

Porno Lad: Since that win I’ve been debating, I’ve been thinking of the perfect time, the perfect place, when all the stars were aligned, where I could cash in my World Title opportunity. So Dan, Sasha…..

The Presidents look far more intrigued.

Porno Lad: I want NOTHING to do with that fatal four way on March 1st, because I deserve nothing less than main event status at Paranoia VII. That’s where I shall cash in my title shot and win the World Title in the most EPIC fashion imaginable.

Douglas nods and Ace claps for Porno Lad’s GRAND decree. Sasha rolls her eyes as the whole speech continues.

Porno Lad: I don’t care WHO the World Champion is at Paranoia. They WILL step into the ring with me and they WILL be hit with the Epic Fail, and they WILL lose their World Title to me! It could be Johnny Kingdom, it could be anyone who participates in this four way at the SCW, IWC crossover event, it could be the Cookie Monster, I don’t care……

Suddenly the lights go out, every inch of the building shrouded in shadows.

Billy: Ohhhhh dewky.

Porno Lad: What is this? What the FUCK is going on here? I’m giving the GREATEST speech ever.

Although his voice can be heard his face remains blanketed in an impenetrable wall of blackness. A chilling tone can now be heard throughout the PA systems, the sinister tone of Zero.

Zero: The time is ticking down…..

A clock suddenly appears on the Cartel-Tron, a clock cycling down to zero.

Zero: Next week Zero challenges for the World Heavyweight Title.

The crowd goes absolutely nuts over this announcement being made, coinciding with the sight of a flaming “Z” appearing high in the rafters above. Flames pour into the air and enhance the image of Zero crouched in the scaffold only a few inches away from the blazing symbol.

Billy: What does that mean? Zero is going to challenge for the World Heavyweight Title on the NEXT Riot!?!

Christian looks up at both the symbol and the masked figure, his features pale white. Both Porno Lad and Ace are arguing over what they’re seeing, both men highly offended that they were upstaged.

Mayne: Zero vs. Kingdom next week, World Title? The Five Star Society, especially Christian and Porno Lad CANNOT be happy about this.

The flames from the “Z” continue to reflect across the stoic frame of the mysterious Zero.

FADE TO BLACK