OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE

RIOT!

Fireworks initiate another riveting edition of IWC Riot! The thrill is amplified by the screaming voices of all those loyal fans packed in the Manhattan Center to its very gills. As spotlights race over the adrenaline fueled fans, the mellow voice of Billy Mayne cuts in.

Billy Mayne: Welcome one, welcome all, and especially, welcome to those fine sisters watching at home, this is the Billy Mayne show, aka Riot!

The excitement level increases as the action in the ring prepares to unfold.

AXL EVERMORE © VS. RIGGS

The Sacrament descends from the speakers unto the ears of the excited crowd. The whole mood changes in the building at the sight of Riggs stepping through the fog on the stage and kneeling in the dim light. The rather dramatic warrior ascends to his feet and starts down the ramp, his eyes devoid of even the slightest emotion. He slips into the ring, rolls across it and finds himself kneeling in the center.

Mayne: And we’re starting things off with this demonic Johnny Depp.

Katie Steward: Do not sully Captain Jack, and NEVER forget to introduce me again, Minion.

Mayne: Apologies my liege. As everyone with ears can tell, Katie Steward has once more graced the announce table with her elegance and class, not to mention her fantastic ass. I’m such a poet.

Steward: Oh how satisfying it’s going to be to shove my thousand dollar diamond studded high heels up your anus.

Billy: Sounds kinky. Speaking of kinky, we’re about to witness Riggs collide one on one with Axl Evermore for his revered N.H.B Championship. Prepare to insult Axl’s pony tail remorselessly.

Katie: Oh I will, believe me, I will.

"You know who I AM, where I've BEEN, where I'm GOING, how I'll GET there...and all that's left is to tell you's that I'm finally HERE!"

The feed fades to the Tron video, and as the lead singer for Drowning Pool screams the opening "1, 2, 3, STEP UP!!" to their song "Step Up", a name is spelled out on the black video background in bold red Sofachrome font letters: Axl Evermore. In between some of the letters, a split-second of Evermore-in-action impact clips are shown. It fades to a front view of the stage, with Evermore--wearing his Fully Loaded team jacket--looking down on one knee, arms outstretched like he just landed from a jump. He stands up and he RVD's a thumbs pose, shouting "A...X...L!" as the crowd chants along, then thrusts open the snaps of his jacket, revealing the N.H.B Title wrapped around his waist, the very belt he’s on the verge of defending.

He heads to the ring with stern focus and an energetic gait as the crowd cheers him on. Upon sliding into the ring he removes his jacket and carefully handing it off to the official. He does not take his eyes off of Riggs all the while.

Billy: Ohhhh how badly Riggs has been waiting to get his hands on Axl Evermore. Since Axl won the N.H.B Title at Extinction, Riggs has been dying to avenge Psycho’s title loss.

Katie: How did you know all…..wait a minute, are those cue cards?

Mayne: Actually their all nude trading cards. I knew all that useless information because someone backstage is yelling through my headset right now.

Steward: You don’t even have a headset.

The bell chimes in the background to officially get this sure to be grueling confrontation underway. Almost immediately Riggs drops to the canvas, rolls under the ropes, lifts the tarp and reaches under the squared circle. From beneath the ring he retrieves a steel chair, fully intent on bringing some weapons into play IMMEDIATELY.

Billy: Good, the more unprotected chair shots in this match the better.

Katie: Indeed. It should shave years off their careers.

With chair in hand Riggs stands up only for Evermore to surprise him. Axl grabs the top rope, leaps off of the middle cable and then swings his lower body into a dropkick. His boots nail the chair, driving it straight into Riggs’ face and putting him down on the mats, Evermore remaining seated on the middle rope.

He now slips his body all the way through and stands tall on the apron. Riggs is staggered back towards the stage as Evermore gets a running start to take him down completely. He leaps from the edge of the apron, soaring towards Riggs who suddenly side steps the inbound Evermore, sending him flying sternum first directly into the corner of the barricade.

Billy: YOUCH!

Steward: He may have just burst a fake boob.

Mayne: But he doesn’t have tits. Believe me, if he did I’d be trying to squeeze them right now. Speaking of which, when did you have your last mammogram Goddess?

Katie: If your hands get anywhere near my body I shall have TJ Johnson castrate you.

Axl’s bruised sternum begins to swell as he backs away from the barrier, turns and almost has his head caved in with a chair shot from his waiting Challenger.

Mayne: AH-HA! There we go, chair straight to the head.

Katie: Poor Axl. Oh well, any guy who wears a pony tail deserves a beating. Unless their a French photographer taking pictures of me of course.

Axl’s face has left an indentation in the surface of the steel clutched by the Painted Warrior. He looks at the chair then down at his vanquished foe, realizing that he may have the title won within seconds of the match starting. He tosses the steel to the ground then falls onto the Champion, hooking a leg for the pin. Referee Fitzpatrick hits the mats with his palm, the crowd counting along.

Axl gets a shoulder up, still having enough fuel left in the tank. Riggs is determined to pump some of that fuel, pulling Evermore up to his seat and pummeling his forehead with right hands, intent on busting him wide open.

Billy: There’s nothing better than watching someone bleed.

Katie: Then you should stop by my mansion during the Brat Pack’s time of the month.

Billy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, the Brat Pack’s time of the month?

Steward: Yes, we’re so in sync with one another it’s scary.

Billy: I’ll say.

The five knuckles continue to rain down on Evermore’s face, rattling his skull in the confines of a possibly cracked skull. Riggs now takes him by the hair, rolls him to his knees, forces him to his feet and charges him towards the barricade. Again Axl hits the steel, this time connecting shoulder first against it. His arm falls over the barrier to prop himself upright as Riggs almost collapses his sternum with knife edge chops.

He hits one chop, followed by another, and then a third, bright red streaks being left across Evermore’s sternum as a result.

Mayne: This is great, keep beating on him AWOL, beat on him aaaaalllll niiiight looong.

Katie: Did you just try to sing?

Billy: Yes, because I have a BEAUTIFUL soprano voice.

Katie: Minion, there’s not one thing about you beautiful, or even attractive.

Mayne: Aww, that’s not true, what about my….

Katie: No.

Billy: Okay, how about….

Steward: Hideous.

The steel chair is taken into Riggs’ hands once again. He slams it into the mats and then gets a running start before swinging for Axl’s head. Evermore has the wherewithal to bend forward, catch the inbound Riggs against his shoulder and send him flying over the barrier with a back drop. However, Riggs floats over the steel and lands on his feet in the crowd.

The dazzled onlookers watch on but are quickly shoved out of the way so that Riggs can get a running start. Obviously he’s intent on building momentum in order to launch himself over the barricade onto his unsuspecting opposition. He takes off across the concrete and then lunges into the air, landing with the poise of a bird on the top of the barrier. Before he can deliver his move Axl reaches up, grabs Riggs by the wrist, yanks him down on top of his shoulders and then delivers the Michealson suplex straight across the mats.

Katie: Hmmm, that move was almost as nasty as Axl’s complexion. I’ve never seen anyone with GREASE as a skin pigmentation.

Billy: I can’t rag on him for that, sure I can rag on for a lot, but not that. I was an incredibly greasy teen. My pours were so large I could piss through them.

Riggs arches his kidneys from the thin protective mats, grimacing from the trauma. Axl floats over on top of him, putting all weight across the Painted Warrior’s chest and hooking both legs in the process.

The Challenger’s shoulder escapes the mats, kicking out moments before a three count could be completed. A flustered Evermore confirms that he just got a two count before grabbing Riggs by the locks of his hair and leading him up to his feet. A boot to the ribs doubles the Challenger over as he grabbed by the wrist and sent sailing into the apron.

Somehow, even after being hit with that gruesome suplex spot Riggs is able to shock Axl with a reversal. He counters the Irish whip into one of his own, instead sending Axl barreling towards the ring. The fans once again find themselves dazzled as Evermore leaps into the air, grabs the bottom rope then swings his legs into the ring. His whole body swings around and his legs end up wrapping around Riggs’ neck, catching him with a head scissors takedown.

Katie: Look at Evermore, shamelessly trying to impress me. It isn’t working.

The crowd is electrified by Evermore’s head scissors, which has left his painted foe debilitated outside of the ring. The response from the fans compels Axl to get back up and continue this fast paced war for his title. He snatches Riggs around the neck, forces him up to his feet and then takes him by the wrist, whipping him this time towards the steel steps.

Once again Riggs catches Axl off guard with ANOTHER reversal. He turns around and attempts to counter with a whip into the stairs of his own. Just as it looks like Axl is going to be sent careening into steel HE counters right back into the Irish whip as well.

Katie: Oh for the love of ME, would someone PLEASE hit the stairs already?

Finally Riggs has no alternative but to barrel in the direction of the steel, his body about to be mangled upon impact with it. However Riggs shows off his expert timing and craftiness by leaping into the air, stepping off the top of the steps then lunging forward. Now he lands on the barricade, stepping across it with the agility of a cat and then stepping off the edge as he flies right into Evermore with a crossbody. Axl doesn’t have time to count, Riggs crashing into his sternum and both men hitting the mats.

Riggs lands on top of Axl and the official is obliged to make the count.

The collision with Axl has knocked the air out of Riggs, causing him to roll off of his opponent grasping at his mid-section.

Billy: Nice counter yet Riggs hurt himself too much to go for the pin.

Katie: Awww, poor lill guy.

Billy: My sentiments exactly.

Katie: No, their my sentiments, get your own.

Billy: Yes Goddess.

Riggs finally does crawl into the lateral press, forearm wedged against Axl’s face for further leverage.

Evermore gets his shoulder out from under the challenger, Riggs having provided him too much to recover. The aching Challenger takes Evermore around the neck and leads him up to his feet before dragging him in the direction of the ring.

Mayne: Looks like they’re finally gonna get in the ring for the first time in this match.

Katie: I’m surprised they realized that there WAS a ring.

Riggs lets Axl drop to his knees so that he can grab the steel chair that has come in handy throughout this bout. He sets it up and places it at ringside before turning his focus back to the resilient Evermore. A fist cracks him in the ribs, doubling him over, Evermore desperately trying to fight back at this point.

He now stands up and delivers an uppercut with enough force to send Riggs tumbling to his seat on the very chair that he just positioned. Evermore shakes off the effects of the repeated shots he’s taken in the match and now slides into the ring under the ropes.

The suspense builds as Axl grabs the top rope and prepares to launch himself over and unto the seated Riggs with a crossbody. He leaves his feet but quickly comes down onto them once Riggs leaps out of the chair. The Painted Warrior charges the ring, reaches under the ropes and tries to grab Axl’s legs. He jumps into the air though, still holding the top rope and swings his lower body through the cables into another attempted dropkick.

This time Riggs side steps the inbound feet, grabs Axl’s ankle and yanks on it and pulls him all the way through the ropes, sending the Champion crashing to the outside mats. But wait, NO, as his ankle is yanked Evermore begins twisting his body, flipping over backwards and landing on his feet across the mats.

The fans hoop and holler at the sight of Axl’s amazing athleticism just before he’s caught by the back of the head and planted face first into the seat of the chair. Riggs catches him with a one hand bulldog, driving his skull into the steel.

Katie: Ah-hahahahaha.

Billy: So much for Axl’s agility. And Goddess, you almost sound impressed.

Steward: What? Huh? NO! Good Goddess no. I was reading Garfield, what happened?

Billy: Axl made an ass of himself.

Katie: And I missed it? Rats.

Axl drops to the mats, clutching at his face with both palms and writhing in pain. The mischievous Riggs struggles to reach his knees before crawling into the cover. He pushes Evermore to his back and throws himself over the Champion’s chest.

Evermore kicks out once again, resulting in a loud uproar from the packed Manhattan Center. Riggs grinds his teeth as he reaches his feet, takes Axl by the ear, leads him to his feet and eventually deposits him into the ring. He retrieves the chair, folds it up and leaps to the apron, about to further victimize his adversary.

Inside of the ring Axl is on his elbows and knees, DESPERATELY trying to get up. Riggs realizes this would be the perfect time for an aerial assault. He moves across the apron and proceeds up the turnbuckle, reaching the very top rope. With the chair extended out between his hands he prepares to take flight and cave in Axl’s skull. That’s when Evermore rushes across the ring and shows off his remarkable vertical leap by hopping all the way to the top rope. He lands in front of a stunned Riggs, catches him under the arm and delivers a super hip toss.

Mayne: WHOOOOAA!

Katie: Take your hand off of my thigh!

Mayne: Oh, sorry.

Katie: It’s still there.

Mayne: My mistake.

The riveted audience watches from their feet now, unable to stay seated, especially after that last move by the fighting N.H.B Champ. Riggs convulses and writhes on the canvas while Evermore slowly crawls towards him. Before he can go for the pin Riggs begins to stand up, somehow forcing himself towards his feet. He turns to a knee and tries to stand only for Axl to grab him by the hair, snatch him up to his feet and then deliver the Fully Loaded Stunner.

Riggs’ jaw ricochets from Evermore’s shoulder and he flops back to the canvas. There he lays in a near motionless heap as Axl crawls sluggishly into the cover. He hooks the far leg of the Painted Warrior as the official makes the deciding three count.

NYOOO! Riggs gets a shoulder off the canvas.

Billy: Amazing.

Katie: Your Goddess will tell you what else she finds amazing, the fact that your hand is STILL on my thigh.

Billy: Oh, my bad, I’ll move it.

Katie: HEY! Now your just sliding it further up my leg.

Mayne: OW!

Steward: Told you I’d stab you with my tiara.

Evermore is in absolute disbelief that he was unable to obtain the three off of the stunner. He sluggishly stands and approaches the chair that was dropped into the ring, snatching it up off of the canvas. The steel is slowly wrapped around Riggs’ head and neck, trapping it in a very precious position. Axl now rolls under the ropes and grabs the tarp hanging from the apron so there’s nothing standing between he and the weapon beneath the ring. An emotional response is registered from the crowd once Axl begins sliding a ladder out from under the squared circle.

Billy: What is he gonna do with that? Change a lightbulb?

Katie: Yeah, he’s going to change a lightbulb. Are you seriously this stupi…..wait, I already know the answer to that.

Evermore begins to set the ladder up at ringside before scaling the rungs.

Mayne: A leap from a ladder doomed Riggs at Extinction, wonder if it’ll do the same tonight.

Axl preciously climbs each rung, ascending higher and higher to the top. Finally he is at the highest point of the ladder, where he begins to balance himself and prepare to take flight. He kisses his fingers and points them out over the fans before flying off the ladder and traveling from the outside of the ring back in. The ladder gave him more height than the turnbuckles would have provided, adding more impact to his big splash on top of the chair. It crushes Riggs skull into a fine powder and seemingly puts an end to the challenger.

Axl gets to his knees, forces Riggs to his back and hooks the leg yet again. The crowd is responding with a chorus of cheers as Evermore secures his title.

Not so fast….ANOTHER kick out by Riggs dashes Axl’s hopes of walking away the champion.

Katie: Another kick out….seriously? How much longer am I going to have to sit here looking at Evermore?

The screams and wails of the fans fills the Manhattan Center, everyone SHOCKED by this unexpected development. Evermore struggles to his feet, grabs Riggs by the shoulder and pulls him over onto his back once again. He now grabs the chair that has been an equal opportunity victimizer and approaches the turnbuckle. He slips through the ropes and begins to climb the corner from outside, steel in hand.

Billy: What must these guys keep going up top with that chair? Are they THAT outta their gord?

Katie: Uhhhh, duuuuuh!

With the fans firmly in his back pocket Axl reaches the top rope and prepares for what should be an exciting finish. He waits patiently for Riggs to show some signs of life, anticipating the Painted Warrior reaching his feet. Once Riggs plants his legs beneath him, rocking back and forth in the process, his eyes look up and spot Axl flying through the air. Axl swings the chair only for it to miss its mark. Riggs fell out of its path, causing Evermore to drop the chair and hit the ring with nothing to show for his troubles.

He rolls forward and ends up on his feet, turning around to face Riggs who has crawled into the cables, utilizing them to stand. He just gets his legs under him when Axl comes barreling towards the Painted Warrior and diving forward for some type of spear. Riggs sidesteps him and takes Axl by the back of the head, pushing him along and sending him flying through the ropes face first into the ladder set up at ringside.

Mayne: OOOOOOH, party all the time, party all the time, party all the TIME!

Katie: Did you SERIOUSLY just rip off Eddie Murphy?

Mayne: It’s a catchy tune.

Katie: The only thing CATCHY about Eddie Murphy is herpes.

Billy: Yeah, well, I’m just grateful this table protected us from the ladder.

The ladder has tumbled over into the edge of the announce table, propped against it at this point while Axl lies beneath it. The fans are already starting in with a “holy shit” chant over the condition Axl has been left in after his collision with the ladder. Inside of the ring Riggs is still trying to recover, placing all of his weight on the ropes and grabbing at his temples. He tries to overcome the onslaught he endured moments ago before finally slipping through the ropes and going after his adversary.

The ladder is taken into Riggs’ clutches, turned slightly and then closed. He keeps it slanted against the announce table while taking Evermore’s hair into his clutches and leading him to his feet. A knife edge chop to the sternum sends a powerless Axl tumbling back first into the ladder, propped up against the slanted rungs.

Billy: What is he doing? colostomy

Katie: Do I look like an evil Ronald McDonald? How should I know?

Billy: Well, with all that makeup….

Katie: I still have my tiara handy, Minion, so watch your tongue.

With Axl now positioned Riggs slithers into the ring, leaping to his feet and getting a running start. He bounces off of the far cables, builds some momentum and then launches himself over the ropes into a senton pancha, traveling spine first right into Evermore. No, wait, Axl cleared out of the way! Riggs crashes upside down into the steel rungs, pain reverberating all through his possibly shattered torso.

Billy: That hurt.

An even louder “holy shit” chant erupts from the packed Manhattan Center crowd, their heart beats racing over the image inside of the ring. Riggs’ debilitated body slides down the rungs and eventually meets the mats, rolling across it and eventually convulsing.

Katie: Well, he’s dead……anyway, how do you like your Goddess’ new hair style?

Billy: You changed it?

Katie: Yes, I combed it differently.

Mayne: It’s magical.

Although the commentary team may not have an interest in this insane opening contest the fans are surely riveted by this action. They continue to express their opinion of the chaos as Riggs sluggishly grabs at the still slanted ladder, which had no give once his body careened into it. He slowly tries to stand up, his legs feeling like jello at this point. Finally he’s upright, now leaning spine first against the ladder, completely unaware that Axl was waiting for just this opportunity.

From inside the ring Evermore grabs the top rope, pulls himself over and flies right into Riggs’ chest, connecting with a crossbody block that drives the Painted Warrior into the ladder.

Billy: GOUCH! What’s wrong with these two?

Katie: My guess, a lot.

Axl grimaces as he rolls back and forth around on the mats, holding his traumatized mid-section. Riggs writhes over his collision with the ladder, his back even more mangled than before. He falls to his knees, his whole frame twisted thanks to the steel and the aerial kamikaze style of his opposition. Axl staggers towards him, takes some hair, drags him to his feet and leads him to the ring. Riggs is rolled in under the ropes with Evermore following. He crawls into the cover, hoping that Riggs’ suicidal dive, coupled with his own crossbody into the ladder has finally put an end to the challenge.

To the absolute astonishment of the crowd one of Riggs’ arms magically finds it way off of the canvas. Evermore rolls to his seat, running his hands through his hair and over the knots that have formed in his skull.

Billy: That’s right sweetheart, this match is still going, hahahaha.

Evermore, banged up body and all, takes Riggs by the hair and begins to drag him towards the warped chair stretched across the canvas. Axl pulls Riggs’ head under his seat and then takes him around the waist, leading him up to his feet.

Mayne: He’s gonna give him a piledriver on the chair, yippee.

Katie: I also find this amusing. Less Riggs, means more screen time for the Goddess.

Instead of going for the piledriver Axl instead opts to hook both arms of his opponent, setting up for the Flipside. The fans are clearly on board with this idea, hence their loud response. Axl begins to exert the strength to heave Riggs into the air when from the corner of his eye he spots a familiar figure. Now lurking on the stage is one Pat Evans.

Billy: What in the blue moon is Pat Evans doing here? I thought the sun was still out.

Katie: Who knows what forced him out of his crypt, but I’m guessing it has something to do with pitchforks and torches.

An uncharacteristic grin resides on Pat’s face as he watches cross armed from the stage. Axl’s eyebrow arches, confused by the presence of his long time rival. This brief distraction allows Riggs to slip out of Evermore’s arms, drop to his knees in front of him and grab the chair. He quickly drives the edge of the weapon into the inner thigh of Evermore, causing him to turn away grimacing from the pain. He limps into a full circle, turning back towards Riggs who swings the steel directly at his face.

Axl ducks it however, refusing to fall victim to another unprotected chair shot.

Mayne: Awwwww….

The swinging of the chair creates enough momentum to carry Riggs into a full circle. He turns back to face Evermore who delivers a kick to the gut and takes him around the neck, setting up for the Fully Loaded stunner yet again. Riggs somehow has the strength to shove him off, sending Evermore reeling into the ropes. As he goes charging into the cables and ricocheting off he gives Riggs enough time to set up the chair then use it as a prop to leap from. Riggs lunges from the chair, flies through the air and eventually drills Axl right in the face with a shinning wizard.

Billy: That’s it, that’s all she wrote ladies and gentlemen, put the woman and the children to bed, put a fork in it.

Katie: Enough. Your giving your Goddess a migraine.

Riggs is now seated on the canvas beside a laid out Evermore, trying to work up the strength to roll over into the pin. He finally forces himself towards Axl and drops an arm across his sternum for the pin. Referee Fitzpatrick slides into position, making the count that could very well end this brutal N.H.B title bout. Evans perks up a bit on the stage, his grin widening as Evermore is on the verge of being defeated.

Axl kicks out and the crowd explodes into a pure joygasm.

Mayne: Well crap.

Katie: How much longer are we gonna watch these two hit each other with items purchased from Home Depot?

Riggs rolls to his knee, chest heaving, sweat beginning to melt the paint from his face. The more his features are revealed the more his rage is brought to the surface. He tentatively reaches his feet, slips through the ropes to the apron and immediately proceeds up the turnbuckle. Although this move hasn’t worked out so well for him tonight he continues to play things risky. He finally reaches the top, gripping at his spine all the while before taking flight.

Riggs flips forward and connects with a senton bomb right across Axl’s mid-section. Evermore grabs his ribs and rolls to his side, grimacing from the pain surging through his abdomen. Riggs rolls around clutching at his lower back which has been extensively traumatized throughout this bout.

Evans clearly likes what he’s seeing as he crouches down on the stage, now resting his arms over his knees.

Riggs is hurting yet he crawls into a cover, slowly throwing his arm across Evermore’s chest for the pin. The referee drops down, slapping the canvas to officially end this bout.

Evermore kicks out, shoulder evading the ring, causing Riggs to flop to his back where he goes into a conniption fit.

Billy: And it keeps going and going and GOING, good God give me a gun and one bullet PLEASE!

Katie: At least it’s been nice and violent, ensuring that years have been taken off both these freaks’ careers, which means we won’t have to put up with their matches for very much longer.

As the paint melts from his features Riggs sluggishly rises to his feet. His fingers slip into the bangs of Evermore’s hair, slowly leading him up to his feet. It takes all of the Painted Warrior’s strength to eventually get Axl up only for Evermore to suddenly turn his body, catch Riggs around the neck and drop to his seat, hitting an unexpected stunner.

The Fully Loaded Stunner causes Riggs to stand up straight and then go staggering backwards into the ropes. Somehow he remains upright, falling against the cables and putting his arm over the top rope to maintain his balance. All the while Evermore is painstakingly rising to his feet, eventually getting up just as Riggs charges out of the ropes and is caught around the neck and thigh.

Axl drops back into the Exploder suplex that puts Riggs right through the chair he set up moments ago. The steel mangles the bones in Riggs’ body and tears flesh as he eventually plummets to the canvas where he writhes. His whole body has been warped by the impact with the chair and now it appears that Evermore has got him exactly where he wants him.

Steward: If this isn’t over yet I’ll do something truly inhuman.

Mayne: Like what?

Katie: I don’t know, sit in a windowless vent-less room with Bob maybe.

Although he’s got the challenger down Evermore is having significant trouble reaching his feet. He gets a knee beneath them then grinds his teeth upon reaching his feet, every inch of his frame aching from the brutality of this bout. He begins to stumble towards Riggs, reaching down and grabbing his wrist, trying to drag his body from the canvas. That’s before his eye catches a glimpse of Evans strolling down the ramp, provoking Axl to drop his opponent and put up his fists to defend himself against Pat. He steps towards the ropes to cut Evans off, causing Pat to stop at the mid-way point of the ramp, throwing his palms up into the air.

Mayne: Go ahead, get in their Evans, be useful for once in your miserable career.

Katie: He is useful. Every time I look at him he suppresses my appetite, it’s how I’ve stayed so thin all these years.

Pat now backs up the ramp as Evermore gestures for him to just bring it. Despite wrestling one of the most grueling matches of his career, Axl still has enough left in the tank to take on Pat should he accept the invitation. Evans just shakes his head though and continues to back peddle. Meanwhile, behind Evermore’s back a figure has leaped over the barricade and is running towards the ring. Suzie, Riggs’ on again, off again squeeze slides something into the ring under the ropes. It eventually ends up under Riggs’ stomach, the Painted Warrior grabbing the illegal contraband.

Mayne: Who’s that tatted up hotty?

Evermore has no idea what has unfolded behind his back, far too preoccupied with the threat of Patrick James Evans. Finally Axl turns his focus back to the writhing Riggs, who is slowly crawling across the canvas, something tucked to his stomach.

Axl stumbles towards him and grabs his hair, using it to turn Riggs around only to get an eyeful of tequila.

Billy: Awww, what a waste of alcohol.

Steward: Yes, I can definitely use some to get through the rest of the night.

Riggs sprays a mist of alcohol from his lips straight into the Champion’s pupils. As a result Axl has been blinded, twisting and turning across the canvas desperately swiping his palms at his eyes. Riggs takes full advantage, rising to his feet and swinging the bottle straight into Axl’s forehead, glass shattering in all different directions. A loud groan can be heard from the crowd at the sight of this violent collision of bottle to flesh. To the canvas Axl spills, rolling across it, rising to his feet instinctively and then walking right into the clutches of the Challenger.

Riggs hoists him to his shoulder, steps over the warped chair and drops Axl right across his back, hitting the Hopscotch. An eruption of boos emit from the crowd as Riggs reaches out, hooking one of Axl’s legs and pulling it towards him.

Billy: This is terrible, absolutely terrible….

Katie: Riggs’ face?

Billy: I was actually referring to all that wasted alcohol, maybe I can get a straw and suck it up off of the canvas.

Everyone in the building is pleading with Evermore to kick out, with the exception of Pat Evans and the smirking Suzie.

To the surprise of thousands Riggs has just obtained the N.H.B Championship. He drops to his back and covers his skull with both hands, his head on the verge of implosion.

Mayne: Thank God, it’s over. Can we please take a fifteen minute meth break now?

Steward: I don’t see why Riggs was allowed to win this belt tonight, I mean, I haven’t even gotten a title shot since I’ve been here.

Billy: What about that Cartel Title Resolution Rumble?

Katie: That didn’t count, because I didn’t win.

The disappointed audience watches with dread as Suzie forces the N.H.B belt from the clutches of the time keeper, slides into the ring and drapes the belt right across Riggs’ waist. He sits up, pulling the strap to his shoulder and cradling it against his body. Suzie rubs his shoulders in the process, eventually running her hands down his arm to his wrist and lifting it into the air.

Billy: New champion crowned to start off Riot! Riggs taking the N.H.B Championship away from Axl Evermore thanks to his smoking hot fuck buddy.

Axl continues to rub at his eyes, which are stinging horribly after being saturated by all that tequila. One person who’s vision is not obstructed however, is Pat Evans, who gets an eyeful of Axl’s crippling defeat and enjoys every last second of it. He takes one last moment to watch Axl writhe in pain before stepping through the curtains to the back. All the while Riggs is assisted to his feet where he celebrates with the N.H.B title to a chorus of boos.

AN EXPLANATION BE NICE

Into the backstage area Pat Evans swaggers. The grin remains present on his face as he proceeds towards his lockeroom presumably. He never reaches his destination thanks in large part to the human obstacle that throws himself in the way.

Jon: What the hell was that?

An emotional Rich blocks Evans and forces Pat to freeze in mid-step.

Evans: What?

Rich: You know WHAT.

Pat is intent on playing coy, shrugging his shoulders. For a moment Jon wonders if Evans actually did forget the significant role he just played in the outcome of that N.H.B Title bout.

Evans: Oh, OH YEAH yeah. You’re talking about what just happened out in the ring, aren’t you?

Jon: OF COURSE. What else would I be talking about?

Pat: Jon….calm down, relax, don’t get so angry, it’s not good for your blood pressure.

Rich: I don’t care about my God damn blood pressure, what I care about….

Evans holds his palms up to Jon, trying to smooth things over.

Evans: I know, I know, your upset because I got involved in Axl’s business. But you have to understand, the only reason I did it, was for you.

A finger jabs Jon’s sternum.

Jon: For me?

Pat: Yeah.

The veins in Jon’s temple begin to throb, no matter how much he rubs them with his index fingers.

Rich: Okay….

Takes a deep breathe.

Jon: Explain to me how distracting Axl, benefits ME.

The smirk returns.

Pat: I know that your not a man of words, Jon, you’re a man of actions. I wasn’t getting through to you by preaching about Axl’s many inadequacies, I had to SHOW rather than TELL.

Rich: I really, really don’t like where this is headed.

Evans: Soooo, to make my point….

Jon: What point? Just spit it out already!

Pat: FINE. Axl’s a hot head, he’s not a THINKER….

Now Evans has the audacity to thrust his finger into Jon’s temple several times before having his hand slapped away.

Evans: He’s not like you and I. He operates on instinct, he lets his anger cloud his judgment. All it took was for me to show up on the stage and Axl completely lost his focus. He’s too easily distracted. He lets his emotion get in the way of his gameplan.

Rich: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pat: You can’t count on somebody like that.

Jon: And let me guess, YOUR just the type of person I can count on.

Evans: EXACTLY!

His arms are thrown out to his sides as he steps back.

Pat: I have no emotion, and I don’t allow anything, ANYTHING to stand between me and victory. Which is why I should be your partner, Jon. There’s no way you’ll win the IWC Tag Team Titles if you buddy up with Evermore. With me at your side on the other hand, your pretty much GUARANTEED a victory.

Jon opens his mouth to respond but no words come out. He has no idea how to respond to these demands.

Pat: I’ll let you think about it, Jon. But do us both a favor, and don’t think too long.

A slap on the shoulder marks the end to this conversation. Evans walks around Jon and embarks down the corridor. Rich turns to watch him leave, still looking quite frustrated, nothing resolved.

GRANDSTAND

Porno Lad: You think you can overshadow me, huh, HUH!?!

The Five Star Society enforces their law by way of a backstage mugging. An unknown party lies on the floor, a victim to a gang style assault. Boots connect with his body from every angle, as well as fists. Christian Savior and Porno Lad look unified here tonight as they exact some revenge. Ace Marshall, Kitty Buehler, Paris Dannon and BFG join in on the beating.

Porno Lad: NOBODY overshadows Porno Lad, NOBODY!

Christian: And no one plays games with Christian Savior.

The group parts slightly to reveal the victim, ZERO. The defenseless masked man lays stretched across the floor, helpless against this overwhelming odds that beseech him.

Savior: You think you can just waltz into the Five Star Society’s company and take OUR World Title. That’s NOT how it works around here.

Porno Lad: For once Christian is right.

Christian: For once?

Porno Lad: You know what I meant.

Although the Prankster dismisses his own insinuation it is not so quickly forgotten by the Rising Phoenix. Nevertheless the two continue working together to brutalize the enigmatic number one contender. Ace finally takes him by both arms and forces his mangled body to a kneeling base.

Ace: You know, this might be just a crazy idea on my part, but what do you guys say we do something about this mask?

Porno Lad: Dear God yes, if I have to hear one more connotation of the word “enigma” I swear I’m gonna vomit.

Christian: The sooner we get that mask off the better.

Ace: How about a public unveiling?

Porno Lad: BRILLIANT!

Christian and Porno Lad crouch down and inch towards Zero’s masked face.

Savior: Not only are you leaving here tonight without a title, but your leaving WITHOUT your mask TOO.

Porno Lad: You should have known better than to try and grandstand during MY acceptance speech. Because now your career is OVER….

Ace: TAKE ‘EM TO THE RING.

Zero is thrown into BFG, who places him in a full nelson. He forces the traumatized competitor to his feet and begins to drag him down the corridor. The rest of the Five Star Society follows, only Porno Lad and Ace staying behind. Marshall slaps his hand on his partner’s shoulder as the two proudly watch their cohorts embark towards the ring.

Billy: Zero is gonna be unmasked? Tonight!?! NEXT!!??!!

Katie: Goddess bless you, Five Star Society, Goddess Bless you.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Richard Belzer, the best move seller in the business

FOX ARCANE © VS. HURSE

The sound of a wolf howling, or perhaps it is a fox, is heard and the audience quiet down until they hear the words ‘Straying! Straying!’ of Wolf Rain’s ‘Stray’. The lights go everywhere searching for where the pedestal is going to rise. The audience l ook around too, because they know that it could rise right beside them. The camera picks up where the audience is backing away and focus on it. It sees the platform as it rises while the music continues to play. Rising there is Fox Arcane, X-Class Title over his shoulder. He has a bit of a grin on his face. Looking around he puts his hands out to get fives from the audience members. He leans back and lets out a howl that the audience joins in and then rushes past them down to the guard rail. He leaps at top of it and turns to the audience. Standing there he raises his hand slowly and then pumps it three times while pyro goes off around the ring. He jumps off and slides into the ring. He kicks his feet up on the turnbuckle and lays there waiting for his opponent.

Billy: Billy is back LIVE from the Manhattan Center…..

Katie: I think I just heard the sound of a million television sets changing the channel.

Billy: And for good reason, because this kooky son of a bitch is coming out here. Last week Fox won the X-Class Title, somehow defeating Riggs, don’t ask me how cause I really wasn’t paying attention.

Steward: Neither was I.

Mayne: You weren’t even here on the last Riot!

Katie: Oh, that would explain it then.

Billy: But now we’re gonna see what Fox is really made of when he puts his title on the line against……Hurse.

Katie: The word “anti-climatic” suddenly springs to mind.

Once inside of the ring Fox tosses the X-Class Title over his shoulder and swaggers towards a turnbuckle. He leans casually against it, yawning at the thought of the challenger yet to emerge from the back. It doesn’t take long before:

HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN

…hits the PA system and the crowd pops for the Master of Control. Arcane shakes his head, disappointed that he’ll actually have to “work” tonight. After a prolonged delay Hurse sullenly steps to the stage, head lowered, shoulders slouched, puppy dog expression on his face. He looks completely demoralized, and for good reason. Trailing along behind Hurse is his babby momma Robin Brooks. The reaction in the stands drastically changes at the sight of the Black Widow, her protruding stomach and the microphone clutched in her hand.

Katie: Ah yes, it’s about time we classed up this shanty with a bit more femininity and elegance.

Billy: What about Pat Evans, wasn’t he “elegant?”

Katie: Maybe to the rest of the hobos down at the scrapyard.

The glowing Brooks lifts the microphone to her lips while her ex-boyfriend lingers behind her. He is unable to so much as raise his head.

Robin: I’m sorry to be the one who does this, but Fox…..

Arcane steps out of the corner, interest piqued.

Brooks: You will NOT be defending your X-Class Title against Hurse tonight.

A resounding wave of boos drown out Robin’s words.

Katie: Shew, that was a close one. I thought I might actually have to sit through a whole Hurse match. The horror, the horror.

Brooks is undaunted by the screaming fans.

Brooks: Due to a scheduling conflict we’re gonna have to call this whole match off.

The boos get louder while Fox shrugs his shoulders, indifferent.

Robin: What Hurse failed to realize before he accepted this challenge was his responsibility as my surrogate. So he’s ALREADY got a match tonight against Too Magnificent, and I’m not about to let him come out here and exhaust himself against the likes of you….

Arcane smirks.

Brooks: He needs ALL his energy to beat the Golden One later this evening. BUT don’t fret Fox, because you WILL be wrestling tonight.

Now Fox’s eyes roll.

Robin: In order to take Hurse out of this match I needed to find a replacement challenger, which was NO problem. In fact, it was so easy finding a volunteer that I just couldn’t limit my decision to ONE. Soooo I decided to let all the volunteers have a crack at you and your title my Foxy little friend. Tonight your gonna defend your belt against not one, not two, but THREE challengers…..

Arcane pretends to count on his fingers, feigning fright.

Brooks: We’re really going to put your genetics to the test.

The Black Widow giggles before stepping back, creating room for the first challenger. Some familiar lyrics hit the PA system as River Angelus steps through the curtains and pauses on the stage. He dramatically looks about at his surroundings, eyes turning towards Hurse who he sneers at. Hurse’s head remains hung, shaking back and forth, FORCED to hand over his title opportunity to the likes of Angelus. River makes his way down the ramp, ready to avenge his loss to Fox at Extinction.

Billy: Arcane is gonna have to defend his belt against THREE opponents? That’s beyond brilliant.

Katie: Ow, my eyes, MY EYES. Can someone please put a shade over River’s head….PLEASE!?!

River starts up the stairs as the next challenger makes her/his way to the stage. Miho Miyazaki emerges from the curtains, pausing briefly to kiss the back of Robin’s hand and then storm the ring. Her/his entrance music continues playing in the background as it proceeds towards the squared circle. Fox watches his challengers near the ring while mumbling something under his breathe.

Fox: Is the circus in town?

Miho pauses at ringside, awaiting the arrival of the THIRD challenger. It doesn’t take long before the lyrics of “Spirit of the Underdog” hits the PA system and from the back emerges David Freak. The crowd erupts at the sight of Freak, who does a little spin, soaking in the elation.

Billy: Hey, it’s that one guy that I really, really, reeaaaaaalllly hate. How nice to have him back.

Katie: Where did Robin find these challengers at?

Mayne: My guess…..Baby Gap.

David continues down the ramp as Robin FORCES Hurse to the backstage area. He gets one last glimpse of the ring where the action is already started. While Arcane was arguing with the official over the legality of these last second changes he’s blindsided from behind via a forearm from Angelus. Once down Fox is subjected to a series of stomps from River.

Angelus now takes the chin of Arcane into his hand and leads him up to his feet. Once upright Arcane is clocked across the jaw and sent staggering into the ropes. The moment he hits the cables Miho reaches over them, grabs the back of Fox’s neck and snaps him down throat first into the top cable. He bounces off of the ropes and goes stumbling backwards into Angelus, River anxiously waiting for him.

Once within reach River leaps into the air, catches the back of Fox’s head and pulls him down into an inverted bulldog. The back of Fox’s head hits the canvas, the Champion popping up to his seat while Freak slides into the ring in front of him, ricochets from the cables and then leaps forward into a lariat. He nails Arcane to the throat, taking him to his back as a result.

Mayne: What a glorious, GLORIOUS mugging this has been thus far. Three people gang raping Arcane for all intensive purposes.

Katie: Yeah, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind seeing Fox get gang raped, you sick perverted deviant.

Mayne: I would not like to see that….of course, I’m not saying I wouldn’t turn away either.

Although he is having great difficulty breathing the X-Class Champion rolls to his elbows and knees, proceeding towards his feet. That’s when Angelus charges in, leaps into the air, catches him around the neck and delivers a flip over swinging neckbreaker.

Arcane’s neck experiences severe whiplash as he grabs at it. Miho now slips into the ring and quickly scurries across her knees into a lateral press. The official drops into position, slapping the canvas to the groans of the audience.

Mayne: Miho about to steal the title just like she’s stolen many a men’s virtue.

Katie: Which ends in a scene reminiscent of the Crying Game, where much vomit and weeping is had.

Miho smirks as the official’s hand meets the ring.

Freak quickly steps in and blasts River over the back with a forearm strike. The blow breaks up the pinfall and causes her to arch her spine as a result.

He now takes her/him around the jaw, leads her/him to her feet and then applies a front chancery. Angelus extends his arm to his side, crying out for the Final Credits to a mixed reaction from the crowd. That’s when David rushes up behind Miho, takes him/her around the waist and drops back.

He ends up rolling Miyazaki over onto the back of her shoulders, seated across the back of her thighs. The official slides in and makes the count.

Angelus is enraged that Freak pulled Miho out of his finishing move, prompting him to rush forward and pay David back for his interference. He takes him around the neck and pulls him off of Miho, once again setting up for the Final Credits. It’s right at this point that Arcane grabs Angelus around the thigh and pulls him back into a school boy.

Freak ricochets from the ropes and then leaps over the pin, grabbing Arcane around the waist before pulling him down into a sunset flip.

A dropkick to the side of the face breaks up the three count.

Mayne: Why are these three attacking each other? It was much more entertaining when they were beating up on Arcane.

Katie: I agree. And now that I’ve agreed with you, I suddenly feel, awfully, awfully icky.

Billy: You can never be icky Katie. Save that feeling for the AWOL’s of the world.

The two boots from Miyazaki have sent Freak rolling across the canvas clasping at his teeth. Fox rolls backwards to his feet at this point as Miho charges in at the X-Class Champion, delivering a standing spinning heel kick. Arcane is fortunate enough to duck the kick, charge into the ropes behind Miyazaki and spring from the middle cable.

He twists in mid-air, looking for something big only to have Miho get shoved aside, Angelus taking her place. The quick Angelus then catches Fox with an Atomic Drop, planting his testicles right on top of his knees.

Mayne: Well, now Fox has something in common with Miho, they both have balls up inside of their body.

Katie: I thought they were outside of her body, and huge.

Billy: How would I know? Just because I download illegally obtained naked images of Miho from the internet does not mean I know everything about her gender ambiguity.

Steward: Minion, therapy, get some.

Arcane hobbles around holding his crotch before River decks him across the forehead, knocking him back into the ropes. He falls against them for support while Angelus approaches the winded Miyazaki. Before she/he can react Angelus has him/her by the hair and is utilizing the gender ambiguous star as a battering ram. He spins her around, bends her down and then charges her straight at Fox who suddenly leaps into the air. He lunges right over top of Miyazaki, lands on the shoulders of Angelus and then snaps back into a huarricarana.

Miho turns around just as River is sent flying shoulder first directly into his/her mid-section. The collision knocks Miho to the canvas with River coming down on top, his arm haphazardly draped over her ribs. The official drops to the canvas and makes the count.

Mayne: Hahahaha, Fox may have just won the title for Angelus. What a gooker. He should win Wrestlecraps annual Gooker Award.

The official is in the process of dropping down to make the count when Freak comes barreling towards the cover, desperately trying to break it up. For some reason Arcane drops down into a leg sweep, taking out both of Freak’s ankles and sending him collapsing to all fours.

Arcane stands and then gets a running start before stepping off the back of a crawling Freak, launching himself into a shooting star press that breaks up the pin.

Billy: I’m either mystified or I just urinated on myself because I have no bladder control.

Katie: I’m thinking it’s a little of both.

The astonishing dive from Arcane has the crowd absolutely pumped. A rousing “IWC” chant has commenced from the sold out crowd, but Angelus and Miyazaki are not celebrating Arcane’s aerial dare-devilry, instead they suffer from it. With an arched spine River rolls across the canvas and Miho just convulses. All the while Arcane is getting to his feet instead of going for the pin. He slowly turns around and extends his arms out to his sides, unable to pass up this opportunity to gloat, and gloat the X-Class Champ does.

Steward: Hmmm, showing off after a meager accomplishment. Who does he think he is, Jackson Adams?

Mayne: Nobody can be as bad as Jackson Adams, I don’t even believe that Jackson Adams is as bad as Jackson Adams.

Fox’s showboating ends when Freak charges in and almost decapitates the Champion with a clothesline from hell. The collision possibly rips something in Arcane’s voice-box and sends Fox colliding viciously with the canvas.

Billy: Hahahahahaha!

While Billy laughs Freak goes for the pin, hooking both of the Champion’s legs for the three.

Arcane kicks out with defiance, showing that he still has quite a bit of fight left in the tank despite the odds.

Mayne: Awwww shucks, he kicked out.

Instead of wasting time by arguing with the speed of the official’s count David does the wise thing, removing the most threatening element from this match, the Champion himself. Fox is dragged to his feet and then dumped through the ropes to the outside, leaving David to pin one of the challengers and bring home the gold.

He sets his sights on Miho, who is desperately trying to get up. As he crouches the crowd realizes what David has in store, ANOTHER clothesline from Hell. He rotates his arm several times, gearing up for what may be his most devastating offensive move. Suddenly he gets a running start, bolting towards Miyazaho and swinging his arm. She ducks the inbound blow though, and then swings around behind David’s back, catching him around the waist.

Miyazaki falls back, rolling Freak up and then sitting on the back of his thighs for the pin.

Freak kicks out, and in the process sends Miho charging forward into the waiting arms of a poised Angelus. River catches the inbound Miyazaki, swinging her around into the spinning powerslam. Miho is driven into the canvas with such force that it shakes the ring. Angelus hooks the leg, deluding himself into believing that he’s got the title in the bag.

David charges in and stomps him right to the back of the head. The strike not only gives Angelus a severe migraine but breaks up the pin attempt. River rolls away from the battered Miyazaki, clutching at his skull all the while.

Steward: Hmmm, typical IWC match, too much action frantically paced for me to even bother trying to comment on it. So instead I’ll just sit here looking at my face in this mirror, aka my Minion’s forehead.

Billy: That’s what its there for gorgeous.

This exhilarating four way proceeds as Freak plucks Angelus from the canvas to his feet and wallops him with a forearm under the jaw. All the while, as two of his opponents exchange fisticuffs, Arcane starts up a turnbuckle from the exterior of the ring. He reaches the very top rope, throws his arms out to his sides and then takes flight. The crowd erupts as Fox delivers the Swan Dive Headbunt. His skull connects directly with Miho’s fake breasts, sending her into convulsions like a fish pulled out of water.

Mayne: If he gets the pin I swear to God, I’ll…..I’ll….I’ll, crush this Styrofoam cup!

Katie: You know those aren’t biodegradable.

Billy: Oh, then I’ll just frown at it then.

Fox grabs at his forehead which has to be aching after hitting the clavicle of the he/she. Finally he falls into the cover, both legs hooked and victory well within his grasp.

To the surprise of many, Fox in particular, Miho kicks out, sparing herself the indignity of defeat.

Billy: HA-HA!

Katie: Nelson Muntz you are not.

A fatigued Fox progresses to his feet and takes Miho by the hair, slowly turning her over to a kneeling position. All the while Freak has grabbed hold of River’s wrist and is whipping him straight towards their opponents. Suddenly River steps off of Miho’s back, using her as a springboard to launch himself into the unsuspecting Champion. He lands right on top of Fox’s shoulders and prepares to drop back into a hurricarana, utilizing the very move that Arcane did earlier.

However, Fox plants his feet and shows some remarkable strength by rushing forward and throwing River into a powerbomb. Not only does he powerbomb River, but he powerbombs him right into Freak.

Mayne: HOLY HAND GRENADE!

The fans erupt, not quite in the same manner than Billy did, but they erupt nonetheless. River collapses on top of Freak, the two looking completely spent at this point. All the while Arcane stands over them, smirking with delight over his accomplishment. He has no idea that Miho has reached her feet and is now charging up behind him, going for a big lariat to the back of the head.

With almost superhuman instincts, Fox ducks forward, avoiding the arm. Miho staggers as a result and then turns around, walking right into a leaping back heel kick right to the jaw. Miyazaki is laid out on her back, not moving an inch and perfectly placed for Arcane’s next high risk move. He stands, rushes at the nearby turnbuckle, steps up it and kicks off the top rope, eventually flipping around into the Codename Kitsune.

Mayne: BLAAAAH! How did he pull that off?

Katie: I’m guessing he’s made out of plastic, just like Stacy Kissinger, hehehehe. I can take shots at Stacy Kissinger all night long. I love this job.

Miho’s fractured body now lies under Fox, who hooks the legs for the pin.

The Champion has retained his title and done so in very dominant form. A mixed reaction is heard from the sold out crowd as Fox rolls over to his knees and then lifts his fist up high. That same trademark, distinctly Arcane grin resides on his face.

Mayne: He retains, and as thus my faith in humanity has been destroyed.

Steward: My faith was destroyed the second they let Simon Cagero hold a World Heavyweight Title.

The crowd continues to show their apprehension to fully embrace Arcane, especially as he gesticulates through the ring with his X-Class Title. He does not hesitate to brag and brag endlessly now that he has the belt in his grasp.

Arcane: Three opponents people, THREE, and I crushed them all! I can only be the greatest!

His Championship is held high above his head while some fans cheer for him and others heckle despite the magnitude of his victory. Finally he throws the gold over his shoulder and rolls out of the ring, continuing to butter himself up like he were a biscuit about to be thrown in the oven.

Mayne: Was it not bad enough to see him win? Now we have to put up with him bragging like he just jizzed in Hannah Montana’s underpants.

Steward: Well I have to commend him, this industry is about 15% wrestling skill and 85% gloating.

Arcane moves up the ramp and pauses on the stage only briefly to hold up the X-Class Title, grinning from one earlobe to the other.

PUBLIC UNVEILING

A pile of bodies are left in the wake of Fox Arcane, who just overcame THREE challengers to walk away champion. And that’s exactly what he does, strutting up the ramp title belt in hand. He pauses only briefly once on the stage to turn, wink at some hotties in the front row and then smooch with his X-Class gold. A chuckle emits from Arcane before he finally saunters through the curtains to the backstage area.

Mayne: I’m sick to my stomach.

Katie: It feels like I just ate some month old seafood.

Billy: Well, Fox leaves the champion, which I guess I can tolerate for the mome……

Suddenly the lights in the building cut completely out, the ring, the bodies, the fans all draped in shadow.

Steward: Again? They STILL haven’t fired everyone in the production truck? The IWC does HAVE a production truck right?

Billy: You know, I’m not sure, I always thought everything was ran by a monkey wearing a fez banging symbols together.

Katie: Wow, that’s the exact same image I get in my head when thinking about the IWC head office.

The lights remain out for what feels like an eternity, the crowd becoming impatient as they wait for some type of explanation. The explanation is provided by a familiar voice speaking to all the world from the darkness.

Porno Lad: It’s about time…..

The lungs of every fan almost implode when the lights rise and the Five Star Society is revealed within the ring. The Cartel Champion Christian Savior and the Original Prankster Porno Lad stand on opposite sides of a kneeling, banged up Zero. The masked, for the time being, man is still trapped in a full nelson applied by the gargantuan BFG, subjected to the will of the Five Star Society.

Porno Lad: You heard me. I said it’s about time…..

He can barely speak over the deafening chorus of boos.

Porno Lad: It’s about time that WE, the Five Star Society, SAVED your precious show. I mean, seriously, it’s been a whole ten minutes since you last saw our faces. That’s UNACCEPTABLE.

Christian: Completely unacceptable.

Billy: That’s right, they should be on our television screens even during the commercial breaks. Their faces should be permanently placed in the corners of the screen. I’m gonna totally pitch that idea to the major networks.

Katie: I’m sure they’ll listen to you about as much as I do.

Billy: You listen to me.

Steward: Only when your talking about how gorgeous I am.

Mayne: Which I do every other sentence.

Katie: Every OTHER sentence? You need to work on that.

The trio of sta….well, duo of stars plus BFG continue to verbally harass the fans and physically harass the mangled Zero.

Porno Lad: I imagine that in those ten minutes ratings took a noooooooseee diiiiiiveee. But thankfully we’re here to keep you all tuned in and glued to your seats. We CONTINUE to bring you must see TV…

Christian: Television you’ll be telling your children about. And now, NOW the Five Star Society is going to give you all another piece of cinematic history…..

Porno Lad: It’ll be recorded in the same annals as Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol….

Christian audibly pauses for a moment.

Savior: Uhhh yeah. Don’t you DARE touch that dial boys and girls or else you’ll miss the most shocking moment of 2010. Sure, technically the year just started and the bar is set a little low, but it’s gonna rise, oh yes, it’ll be touchin the SKY! Cause in a moment that only the Five Star Society can bring you, we’re going to UNMASK Zero.

Porno Lad: Yep, what-what!

The fans cringe over Porno Lad’s jive talk.

Porno Lad: NOBODY outdoes the Five Star Society when it comes to theatrics, or prostituting ourselves to the media. You don’t want to know how many times I went down on Maria Menunous to get our names mentioned on Access Hollywood…..

Again Christian freezes, his brain going completely blank.

Porno Lad: But that’s a story best saved for my risqué autobiography. TONIGHT is about punishing those who TRY to upstage us.

The Prankster turns towards his kneeling victim, crouching towards him and speaking directly beside his ear.

Porno Lad: How dare you. How dare you! The audacity! How could you do a masked mystery man angle? Huh-HUH!?! Don’t you know that’s the Five Star Society’s shtick!?! Don’t you remember Mr. X? Of course you do, because it was the most awesome swerve EVAH! I should bitch slap you all night long for ripping us off alone. But no, no, I’m going to settle for ruining the payoff. I’M….

His eyes briefly divert towards Christian, who gives him a stare that could frighten his soul straight out of his body.

Porno Lad: WE’RE…..

He makes sure to include the Cartel Champion this time, setting his cohort at ease.

Porno Lad:….gonna unmask you right here, right now. I don’t care how you had your unmasking envisioned, doesn’t matter, no sir, no way. That mask is coming off on OUR time.

Christian: If you thought you were going to be some big star at our expense you thought wrong junior.

Zero’s jaw is grabbed to hold his head up, ensuring that he could see into Christian’s face.

Savior: We, the Five Star Society, are not going to be your springboard to the main event. We’re going to be the catalyst behind your retirement. You brought this on yourself. You ripped off our BRILLIANT gimmick….

Porno Lad gets red in the face at the mere thought of it.

Porno Lad: You ruined my acceptance speech. If I had known you were bringing cheap pyro effects I totally would have sprung for an elaborate fire works display. Hell, I would have given each fan a sparkler, as long as they paid for it first….

Christian: And you meddled in my affairs over and over again. What did you think was going to happen Zero? Somewhere, in the back of your head, you had to have known this was a possibility, yet you took the gamble anyway….

Porno Lad: And now you’ve rolled snake eyes! Which, by the way, was a WICKED movie.

Savior: Now, on top of publicly humiliating you and ensuring that you’ll never face Kingdom for the World Heavyweight Title, we’re going to rip that stupid mask off.

Porno Lad: BFG….

The Five Star Society rep stands and slaps his ginormous bodyguard on the shoulder.

Porno Lad: Will you do the honors?

Christian pantomimes the removing of the mask several times just in case it wasn’t clear what BFG is supposed to do. The big man nods to his employers and slips his fingers under Zero’s mask, beginning to pull it away from the flesh.

Mayne: Excellent, we’re finally going to see Zero’s face, pimples, achme scars and all. I bet he totally has Ray Liotta cheeks.

Katie: I have my blindfold ready.

All those packed in the Manhattan Center rise up and watch closely as the bottom of the mask nears Zero’s chin. Just as it seems that the reveal is finally going to happen…..

Porno Lad: Wait, wait, wait…..

The crowd AND Christian are confused.

Porno Lad: There’s something missing.

Porno Lad pauses for thought before snapping his fingers.

Porno Lad: OH YEAH, how about a drum roll? Can we get a drum roll? Anybody?

Finally a drum roll can be heard, enhancing the excitement behind this unmasking. Christian and Porno Lad crouch, getting very close to Zero’s face, determined to be the first two who actually see it.

Billy: The suspense is giving me a heart attack, and strangely enough, a raging boner.

The tense is as thick as butter as the mask is pulled over Zero’s lips to the tip of his nose. The Five Star Society salivates at the thought of ruining not only Zero’s night, but his life. Finally, months of speculation, months of build come to an end when the mask is ripped away from Zero’s face, revealing his true identity.

Mayne: Uhhhhhh.

Katie: I have no idea who that is.

The commentary team aren’t the only ones utterly perplexed by the face beneath the mask. A bruised, battered Theodore Noel Garrison falls out of BFG’s hands to the canvas below. Both Christian and Porno Lad look up at one another mouthing the words, “what the fuck?”

Billy: That JOBBER was Zero all along? SERIOUSLY!?! This is about as anti-climatic as it gets. This is worse than the end to Roseanne.

Katie: I’m definitely not feeling satisfied by this payoff. Again, WHO is this guy? Does he deliver water to the Manhattan Center or something?

Before the FSS members can begin scratching their heads loud clapping fills the PA system. The Cartel Champion and Original Prankster turn from side to side, looking for the culprit. Eventually the spotlights draw their attention to the rafters where a surprising individual stands. The masked face of Zero looks down upon the trio inside of the ring.

Mayne: Wait, if Zero is in the ring, then how is he in the rafters? If he’s in the rafters then how is he in the ring? I’m so totally lost.

Katie: Are you really that stupid?

Billy: Probably.

Katie: That…..whatever the hell that is….isn’t Zero, the guy in the rafters is. We’ve been played.

To say that Porno Lad and Christian were furious would be an understatement. The two are flipping out in the ring, furious over having been out smarted by Zero yet again. A microphone now draws to Zero’s lips, trying to speak over the roar of the crowd.

Zero: Foolish, foolish men. Did you honestly think you would unmask me tonight? That YOU would put my plan to an end? Your idiocy even amazes me.

Porno Lad: You shut up! No one grandstands and overshad…..

Zero: Like it or not Five Star Society, you’ve been playing. You were baited and you fell right into the trap.

Christian: No one outsmarts us, NO ONE!

Zero: FOOLS. You refuse to see what’s right in front of you. That’s how evade you, and it’s why you won’t stand in the way of the unleashing of the Ragnarok. Why you won’t keep me from claiming the World Heavyweight Title tonight.

He symbolically raises a clinched fist above his head rallying the crowd into a loud response.

Porno Lad: You won’t leave here champion Zero, we won’t allow it. Come on Christian!

The Prankster keeps gesturing towards the stage and then back to the rafters before finally rolling out of the ring. The Rising Phoenix slowly backs towards the ropes, all the while maintaining eye contact with Zero until the spotlights go out and he vanishes into the shadows. Savior’s attention finally turns away from the rafters and towards the laid out TNG.

Billy: I can’t…..I just can’t…..no, I refuse to believe it. The Five Star Society KNEW that really wasn’t Zero in the costume. They were just playing along is all. Hahahahaha, how hilarious.

Katie: You’re in serious denial. It’s okay Minion, because this will be the last time Zero ever pulls the wool over the Five Star Society’s eyes.

At this point the Rising Phoenix is stooped down over the ring, taking Zero’s mask into his hand and balling up his fist around it. His whole body shakes as he stares into the mask and everything that it represents.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

The Greatest Musical Performance Ever Recorded

FOR THE FAMILY

The IWC chooses a wonderful way to bring the viewers back to this already riveting edition of Riot! While normally a close up of AWOL’s brooding face would be enough to send people fleeing in horror, on this occasion it captivates and draws them in. Especially as it is revealed that the co-holder of the Tag Team Titles is marching in a military style straight towards the office of one Orlando Cruze.

The Big Crazy Bastard pauses outside of the door, examining it with a glare that would send pigeons exploding into flames. The mere sight of Orlando’s name is enough to cause AWOL to breathe fire, smoke on the verge of shooting from his nostrils. The longer he waits outside the door the greater the anticipation builds.

TOO MAGNIFICENT VS. HURSE

HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN

The already emotional crowd continues to vent their feelings as to the stage emerges the STILL somber Hurse. He moseys to the stage with his chin touching his chest, eyes fixed on the steel beneath his feet. Robin on the other hand looks as if she’s walking on clouds, spiraling across the stage and then bowing as best she can towards the hecklers. She kicks back her hair, runs her hands through it and then snatches Hurse by the wrist, forcing him along towards the ring.

Billy: Well, we were fortunate enough to avoid watching Hurse wrestle earlier, I guess we should have known our luck would wear out.

Steward: Hopefully all that Tylenol PM I took before the show will kick in and I’ll pass out before the bell ever rings.

Mayne: Yeah, popping migraine pills is the only way to make it through this show. Speaking of headaches, why was AWOL at Orlando’s office, actually, why was AWOL on my TV screen period?

Brooks pauses at the edge of the ramp before pointing towards the ring, DEMANDING that Hurse do as he’s told. A long, drawn out, exasperated sigh emanates from Hurse before he proceeds up the steps and slips through the ropes, ready to mangle himself on his former fiancee’s behalf. He keeps telling himself it’s for the good of his unborn child to ensure that Robin doesn’t step into the ring, but he has trouble convincing himself of this when Too Magnificent’s entrance music hits the PA system. His eyes bulge from their sockets as they transfer to the stage where the man who began his downward spiral into jobberville over two years ago now stands. Too Magnificent’s grin is so bone chilling that it causes Hurse to gasp and Brooks to cower on the opposite side of the ring.

Billy: Well if it isn’t the big bald butthead.

Katie: You honestly couldn’t come up with something better than that?

Mayne: Why should I even put in the effort?

Katie: Good point, this is Too Magoo we’re talking about here.

Billy: Yes, and we all knows he’s literally seconds from squashing Hurse, who I don’t believe has actually won a single match since the beginning of last year.

Too Magnificent embarks towards the ring, lathering his lips with saliva as he thinks about everything he’s going to do to Hurse and hopefully Robin, if she should cross his path. He reaches the ring, steps to the apron and pulls himself up with the use of the middle rope. That’s when, out of the interest of self preservation, Hurse rushes across the ring and throws a fist. It nails Too Magnificent right in the kisser, almost knocking him from the apron. Hurse now delivers a knife edge chop over the top rope, connecting with the big man’s chest.

Billy: Eh, Hurse getting in some offense. This is better than his last match with Too Magnificent, where he got in zero offense and was squashed worse than a pie under Christy Hemme’s anus.

For once Robin watches Hurse with pride, liking the mean streak she’s seeing him display against the animalistic Magnificent One. Too Mag pulls himself back towards the ring where’s he struck with a European Uppercut. He refuses to go down however, keeping his feet planted to the apron and his hands wrapped around the top rope.

Hurse now gets a running start towards the perpendicular cables. He leaps to the middle rope and springs off, twisting in mid-air before flying right into a closed fist.

Mayne: Now that was a punch.

Too Magnificent drives all five knuckles directly into Hurse’s airborne face, knocking him out of the sky and to his back across the canvas.

The pride that Robin had has faded, her head lowering and shaking in a judgmental fashion. She begins to question the sanity of trusting Hurse to wrestle on her behalf, but then again, she isn’t all that obsessed with wins and losses so much as her ex suffers duly.

Hurse lays on his back blinking his eyes in an attempt to remain conscious. All the while Too Magnificent steps over the ropes, reaches down, grabs him right by the throat and forces him up to his feet. Hurse stands before being grabbed by the tights and forced up into the air for the chokeslam. It looks as if he’s going to have an effortless victory before Hurse slips out of his grasp, twists his body, lands right in front of his opponent and catches him around the neck.

He now charges at the nearby turnbuckle, pulling a stunned Too Magnificent along right into the Disinfectant. The back of TM’s head explodes when it crashes into the canvas. The fans pop at the sight of Hurse actually hitting one of his trademark moves successfully.

Katie: Am I still suffering the after effects of those drugs you snuck into my tea, or did Hurse actually just deliver a move without looking like a total idiot?

Billy: Any drugs I gave you wouldn’t be in your system this long, believe me, I wouldn’t risk the physical evidence.

Robin’s jaw drops at the sight of Hurse actually hitting the Disinfectant. Even Hurse is surprised by it. He gets over his shock and immediately drops down towards Too Magnificent for the lateral press.

Before he can even get his body across his long time rival’s chest, Too Magnificent reaches up and slaps his palm around Hurse’s throat. The Master of Control goes as pale as a sheet in a snowstorm. His eyes bug out of his skull and his whole body tenses, realizing that he’s fallen right into his opponent’s trap.

Mayne: That’s the one good thing about Hurse’s fights, they last as long as a TNA Impact match.

Katie: Thank Goddess for the invention of squashes.

Robin screeches at Hurse to do something as he’s pulled to his feet and then launched into the air. Too Magnificent isn’t about to let him slip through his fingers once again as he chokeslams Hurse directly into the canvas. Parkwood’s body bounces from the ring and he writhes across the canvas, his whole body convulsing from the shockwaves of pulsating pain.

Mayne: And it’s over.

Clearly Too Magnificent has Hurse exactly where he wants him. The big man feeds off the raw rage of what happened last week, taking out all his frustrations on his former tag team partner. A huge hand full of Hurse’s hair is taken into Too Magnificent’s clutches as he leads him over to his knees. The crowd is confused as to why Too Magnificent isn’t going for the pin, but they soon understand his reasoning once he drags Hurse’s head into a front chancery. The Golden Goliath now signals for the Midas Touch.

Mayne: Might as well as kill him off completely. Good thinking Too Mag. This is probably the first smart thing that’s ever went through his head.

Katie: Then I’m surprised his head didn’t explode. At the very least I would expect blood to come gushing out of his mouth.

A handful of Hurse’s tights are taken into Too Magnificent’s fingers as he prepares to put a definitive end to the already emotionally shattered rival. He begins to lift him into the air when from the corner of his eye he catches a glimpse of Robin climbing up to the apron. She frantically waves her arms above her head and shouts some reprehensible, unladylike comments until she gets Too Magnificent’s full attention.

Katie: Robin, sweety, are you nuts? Get off that apron before Too Fugly contaminates you with this touch.

Mayne: If he puts his hands on Robin, don’t worry, I’ll intervene. I always carry a rape whistle with me for just these situations.

Too Magnificent is finally baited by Robin’s reprehensible comments. He throws Hurse down to the canvas with force and then storms straight towards the obnoxious Black Widow. Even as the murderous madman approaches her she keeps running her mouth. The only thing that finally shuts her up is the hand that snatches hold of her throat, blocking her air passage.

Billy: No, Too Magnificent, NO! We’ve had enough dead babies here in the IWC. We don’t need another one.

Katie: Especially when it’s the offspring of Robin Brooks. I mean, sure, kill off Billy’s babies, but not Robin’s.

Mayne: Exactly, you’ll save me thousands in child support bills.

Robin looks absolutely panicked as she’s raised into the air by Too Magnificent, on the verge of throwing her down to the mats and aborting the fetus that she has used to manipulate her ex lover. That very same controlled individual sneaks in behind the distracted Too Magnificent, grabs him by the trunks and pulls him down into a school boy.

Robin’s throat is released from the clutches of the big man just in time to save her unborn child. She wisely climbs down from the apron as Hurse puts all his weight on the back of Too Magnificent’s thighs and pulls on the tights for added leverage.

The entire arena reacts in shock as Hurse has just done the improbable, rolling Too Magnificent up and pinning him for the three count.

Mayne: WHAT!?! Hurse….he….my Goddess….my my my my…..I can’t believe it, HURSE, won a match.

Katie: I MUST be hallucinating.

Billy: And so must I.

Hurse rolls out of the ring immediately after pinning Too Magnificent, realizing that his life may just depend on it. He spills under the ropes to the outside mats, falling to his knees with Brooks stepping to his side clapping. For once, she’s actually HAPPY with what she’s seen from her ex here tonight. Although, she would have liked for there to be far more bloodshed and brutality. Too Magnificent rolls to his knees, his whole body trembling with rage as he watches Hurse crawl up the ramp and Robin chuckle at his expense.

Mayne: Well, Hurse’s first victory in close to a year won’t even go in his win/loss record, he just scored this win for Robin.

Katie: At the very least we can salvage that out of this debacle.

Brooks hops up and down still clapping, very pleased that she’s picked up a win without even having step foot in the ring. Hurse doesn’t appear to be nearly as happy, looking more sullen and demoralized than ever.

Inside of the ring Too Magnificent is standing and wearing a very crooked grin on his face. It seems that the more Brooks celebrates the more motivated it makes him.

FOR THE FAMILY PART 2

AWOL: Cruze, Cruze, CRUZE, your not listening to me….

Orlando: Your just gonna have to deal with it.

The argument between AWOL and Orlando is caught en mediate res. The Icon is busy gearing up for the tag match in just a few moments while AWOL is trying his hardest to control his volatile emotions. Clearly Cruze’s authoritative tone has him dancing on a minefield.

AWOL: I don’t think your getting it.

Orlando: No, I don’t think YOUR getting it, Anthony. I don’t CARE what you have to say. You want to complain about this match, FINE, you want to complain about my vow to sell my shares in this company, FINE, you want to bitch and whine cause I’m retiring FOR GOOD after this match, go right ahead. It doesn’t change a damn thing. I’m still going to that ring and I’m still fighting…..

AWOL: Isn’t it a bit presumptuous of you to even think your gonna make it to the ring?

Orlando is a bit taken aback by that comment.

AWOL: I’d be an absolute fool to let you compete? Do you take me for an idiot, Orlando? Did you honestly think I would willingly team with a man who can’t even stand for five minutes without getting a nose bleed? What makes you think I’m about to jeopardize a potential loss to Porno Lad or Christian Savior, the Five Star Whiners, just so you can grandstand and have your final moment in the spotlight?

Now Cruze rolls his eyes.

AWOL: You know what Orlando, why don’t you try something new? Why don’t you put this company before yourself.

Orlando: That’s EXACTLY what I’m doing by putting my LIFE on the line out there….

AWOL: No, no, noooo, don’t hand me that BS, your as transparent as a greasy sheet of loose-leaf paper. You’ve only ever thought about yourself Cruze, admit it. Even with your brain literally on the verge of exploding, which I might add would be a very, very beautiful visual, your ready to go out there and wrestle so you can hog the spotlight, so you can hear the crowd sympathize with the poor little injured underdog one last time.

Orlando: Are you even listening to yourself?

AWOL: Yes, yes I am, and maybe you should start listening too. If you want to go out there and kill yourself, GREAT, go do it, but not at my expense and not at the expense of giving the Five Star Society a potential win.

All Cruze can do is throw his arms up into the air.

Orlando: You just don’t understand AWOL, you never will understand what drives me. I can’t walk away, I just can’t, not when there’s so much unfinished business, so many things I HAVE to fix. First you accuse me of not doing enough, now you’re accusing me of doing too much. There’s no winning….no, no, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. If you can get your ego out of the way maybe the two of us CAN win tonight. We just have to pull together for the common good. We have to pull together to beat the Five Star Society. True, I want to go out with a bang, with some momentum. If this is going to be my last match I want it to be the biggest match of my life. If I’m being forced out of this business then I might as well as take a few people out with me and in the process…..

AWOL: Ha….hahaha.

The Big Crazy Bastard covers his chuckles rather crudely.

Orlando: What now?

AWOL: Was that speech supposed to be inspirational? Am I supposed to be all motivated and gun-ho now?

Cruze sighs.

AWOL: I don’t get you Orlando, that’s true, and I don’t want to understand you either. All I know is that if you wanted to go out with a bang you picked the wrong partner, cause I’m not about to let you screw this up like you screwed up Extinction. Frankly, there’s only one way to keep you from going to that ring tonight….

Orlando: Is this the part where you threaten me?

AWOL: No, because I know you don’t care about yourself. What you do care about though, is your family.

Obviously AWOL has touched on a sore spot.

Orlando: So your gonna remind me that my kids will miss their daddy if I go out there and die in that ring?

AWOL: No….God no. I’m not nearly that sentimental and corny. Actually I was going to tell you that if you should put one foot in that ring tonight, I’ll be paying a visit to your wife and your son.

Cruze’s face twists with rage.

AWOL: So, if you want to make sure Uncle AWOL doesn’t pop in on the kids, you might want to take my advice and stop showboating!

The Big Crazy Bastard turns and vacates the dressing room, having said his peace. All Orlando can do is grimace and stew in thought.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

The Greatest Push Ever

THE HEAT IS ON

The cameras come back live to the interior of the Manhattan Center, at first they pan over the crowd why the somber voices of Katie Steward and Billy Mayne set the mood.

Katie: The B Show is back…..actually, am I grading the IWC a little TOO high?

Mayne: You’re being awfully generous. It would get a B if and only if there was no Empire and Orlando Cruze.

Steward: True…..hold it….

Billy: You don’t have to ask me twice, been waiting all night to hold those….

Katie: HANDS!

Mayne: Apologies. Hey look, MORE Five Star Society shenanigans!

Focus shifts to the rafters where Zero was located just moments earlier. Now the scaffold is filled with representatives of the FSS, Ace Marshall is joined at the hip by Kitty Buehler as the two scour the rafters, searching for the World Title number one contender. BFG is also present, joining in on the hunt in the midst of eating a footlong chilidog. An irritated Ace slaps it out of his hand and demands that he keeps looking, pointing around at the rafters, at all the possible places that Zero can still be hiding.

Billy: Ace and BFG hot on the trail of Zero. I can’t wait till they finally catch up with him. That mask is coming off one way or another.

Katie: Your Goddess is eager for the payoff to this search as well, just as long as Zero doesn’t look like Rocky Denisen. I don’t think my stomach could handle it.

JACKSON ADAMS © VS. MAX CRAVEN

"Who's to know if your soul will fade at all,
The one you sold to fool the world.
You lost your self esteem along the way.
Yeah."

The lights dim as black lights illuminate the arena, Jackson Adams then steps out onto the ramp with major mixed reactions from the crowd. The Submission Title hangs over his shoulder, sparkling with each camera flash from the crowd.

"Good God, You're coming up with reasons.
Good God, You're dragging it out.
Good God, it's the changing of the seasons.
I feel so raped.
SO FOLLOW ME DOWN.

And just fake it, if you're out of direction.
Fake it, if you don't belong here.
Fake it, if you feel like infection .
Woah, You're such a fuckin' hypocrite"

Jackson just strolls down the ramp with an arrogant cocky grin on his face, he walks up the ramp and along the edge of the ring, he stops and wipes his boots in a cocky like manor on the ring apron before pausing to lift his Submission title into the air. He then tosses the belt over the ropes into the hands of the waiting referee.

Billy: Time for the second title defense of the night, featuring my favorite wrestler in the whole wide world. I hope everyone got the sarcasm.

Katie: You do lay it on pretty thick.

Mayne: Thanks.

Katie: It wasn’t a compliment. You should NEVER expect to hear me compliment you.

Billy: Awww. Well Adams had better not count on me buttering him up either. The guy made me beg, BEG for a job. I made him a star dammit, and yet he made me grovel for employment. I really, really, really hope he loses this belt tonight, even if he does lose it to Max Craven.

The Submission Title is removed from Jackson’s shoulder and tossed to the official. He then makes his way across the ring limbering up for what could possibly be his toughest title defense yet. It appears that Adams has got a lot on his mind, but suddenly regains his focus once the Challenger’s entrance music begins.

The house lights melt down to black as a major-key alto-soprano Gregorian chant begins...but instead of an actual Gregorian chant, they talk-sing the following...

I-RA-TUUUUS...ANTI MAAAAACHINAAAAAA...DEEEEEUUUUUS...EEEEEX MAAAAACHINAAAAA...IN MAX WE TRUUUUUUST...AT THE CHUUUUUURRRRRCH...OF HOT ADDIIIIIIIICTIONNNNNN...

It cross-fades into "Church of Hot Addiction" by Cobra Starship, and the lights begin flashing green, gold, white, and black. The Cartel-Tron, meanwhile, shows green code raining down on a black background, forming words and phrases to match the chants. A black-with-green-trim-robed figure emerges from the back as the music gets to the first verse.

Just let me ask you--"HEY..."

He is accompanied by another robed figure, quite a bit smaller, and her hood is lowered, revealing Mercy Heaven. They reach the center of the stage.

"...Have you heard of my RELIGION??"

They pause and lower their heads as Mercy goes behind the robed figure.

"It's called the 'Church of Hot Addiction', and we believe that God has lust for ev-er-y-thin'...cuz NOW..."

The robed figure thrusts his arms out and the robe suddenly "flies" off his body into Mercy's hands, accompanied by outward-shooting pyros from either side of the ramp, revealing a grinning MAX in the middle of the spark-storm.

"...The time has come for your DEVOTION...and you already got the NOTION...of what I need; so give it, just give it, just give it to me...(you're will-ing, I'm wait-ing...turn out the lights!)"

The lights melt down during that line, then they begin flashing even faster on the next line as MAX runs to the ring at medium speed, Mercy walking to the backstage area with the robes in hand.

Billy: This match has as much crap in it as my colon. How many times are we going to see these two beat the hell out of one another and kill ratings? Wasn’t it bad enough when they went at it at Paranoia VI for the X-Class Title?

Katie: I’ve noticed that the IWC LOVES repetition. Hence why your still employed, Minion.

Mayne: I thought I was still employed because I do an excellent job at polishing your high heels with my tongue.

Katie: We’re going to have to have a very long conversation.

Now that Max has gone through his usual pomp and circumstance he finds himself eyeing the Submission Champion. Adams hops in place, still getting himself physically prepared for what should be a grueling encounter. The bell chimes bringing the match to a start, and a surprising start at that. Strangely enough Jackson steps forward and outstretches his hand.

Billy: Ohhhh please, save it for the Oxygen Network.

Katie: Yes, because it’s so cheesy it wouldn’t even air on Lifetime.

Max seems just as befuddled as the crowd, unsure whether Jackson’s offer is genuine or a means to sucker him in. Given their long standing history with each other Max is understandably a bit tentative to accept Jackson’s offer at face value. Even with the memories of their two previous Paranoia matches at the forefront of Max’s mind he steps forward, slaps his palm into Jackson’s and shakes. The crowd reacts with applause, especially as Jackson breaks the handshake and steps back, not taking advantage of Craven’s trust.

Craven then claps before leaping forward and drilling Adams right under the jaw. The reaction from the crowd only gets louder as Adams hits the canvas and Max shrugs.

Billy: Whoa. Wait to go Craven. I’m pretty sure that’s the only time you’ll EVER hear those words come out of my mouth.

An absolutely stunned Adams scrambles across the canvas and eventually reaches his feet only to be nailed under the jaw with a leaping knee strike. The stiff shot sends Jackson spiraling across the ring and falling back first against a turnbuckle. Craven now gets a running start, charging at the startled Adams and leaping shoulder first into his ribs. Max now back flips, lands on his feet and then barrels into Adams’ mid-section again.

This time Jackson has the wherewithal to deliver a knee to the inbound face of Craven, the blow causing Max to stand up and stagger towards the center of the ring. His legs may be wobbling beneath him but Max is still able to hold himself up even as Jackson charges out of the corner, right into a back drop.

Jackson catches significant height before eventually slamming spine first into the ring.

Mayne: This is great, we’re gonna see a squash, squash, squasidy doo.

Katie: It’s sad when the only thing that gets you excited are squashes.

Billy: Not true, I also get excited every time you bend over.

Katie: Please excuse me while I vomit.

Adams arches his spine from the ring, the pain coursing through his body being absolutely indescribable. He rolls slowly to his knees, trying to get up as Max rushes into the ropes in front of him. He leaps to the middle cable, springs off, twists in mid-air and lands straight on the upright Jackson’s shoulders. He now falls back into a hurricarana only to have it countered.

The Submission Champion plants his feet, knocks the legs down from his shoulders, locks his arms around the knees and steps over Max’s back, applying the liontamer. Craven wedges his forearms to the canvas, pushing himself up and roaring at the top of his lungs.

Mayne: No, no, nyooooo!

Susie: Well, thankfully we’ll see a quick submission, which means we won’t see anymore of Adams and Craven.

Max shakes his head as the referee inquires as to whether or not he submits. Obviously Craven has no intention of giving up despite the pain surging through his body. Jackson leans back even further on the legs, putting a lot of pressure on Max’s lower back. He digs his claws into the canvas, inching closer and closer to the ropes. Thankfully the hold was applied close enough for Max to get to the cables, wrapping his hand around the bottom one.

Billy: Whew, that was too close. Every time Adams gets absolutely any offense my heart leaps into my throat and my colon gets a kink in it.

Katie: A kink? Don’t you mean a dic….

Mayne: HEY! That’s the last time I tell you about that experimental phase of my life.

The referee informs everyone that Max has utilized his first rope break, meaning he only has two remaining in this match. Adams breaks the hold and then grabs Craven by the ankle, trying to forcefully drag him away from the ropes. He succeeds in pulling Craven towards the center of the ring only to have Max roll to his back, wedge his feet to Jackson’s chest and kick him off.

Adams hits the canvas, rolls over backwards and then reaches his feet. He stands up and comes barreling towards Max who suddenly goes airborne, cracking Jackson in the face with a perfectly time dropkick. Adams hits the canvas like a sack of potatoes and then quickly tries to scramble to his feet.

Although incredibly dazed by the blunt impact of the boots to his skull Jackson is already fighting his way to his feet. All the while Max crouches in anticipation, stomping his foot. The moment Adams reaches an upright base Craven steps in for the superkick only to be caught around the ankle.

Before Adams can transition into a hold Max leaps into the air and smacks him to the back of the head with an enzugari. The blow sends Jackson stumbling forward, losing his footing and falling throat first into the middle rope.

Max turns in circles stomping his feet before getting a big running start.

Billy: He’s got his opponent prone and now he’s gonna butcher him worse than…..

Steward:….than you butcher my ears whenever you speak.

Billy: I would never dream of butchering such lovely ears.

Max ricochets from the far ropes, builds speed and prepares to keep his momentum in full swing. That’s when Adams steps away from the ropes, turns and delivers a deadly lariat right to the inbound throat of Craven. Max collapses and Jackson falls to his knees beside him, breathing deeply.

Mayne: Oh patuwee.

Steward: Quit making up words, I’m the only one who can coin new terms. Words like “Goddess-licious.”

Billy: If that’s not in a dictionary by the end of the year, I’ll dig up Webster’s bones and slap him around a little.

Katie: Yeah, I’m sure that’s not the only thing you’ll do with his bones. Perv.

The gasping Craven rolls around on the canvas, hands clutching at his injured windpipe. Jackson is right on top of him. He crawls towards Max and reaches out, grabbing hold of one of the arms. He forces it between his knees and then interlocks his hands around Craven’s chin, rearing back into the crossface.

Mayne: Wow, the crossface, I only see this one in every other match.

Katie: I guess he’s sending a message to Orlando or Johnny or someone else in serious need of a toupee.

Jackson rears back as far on the head as possible until the neck is almost snapped. Craven gasps for air, sweat trickling down his face before he begins to squirm across his stomach. Adams tries to apply even more pressure on the hold, attempting to completely debilitate his opponent if necessary. Craven won’t be kept down for long though, he inches towards the ropes and reaches out with a foot, planting it over the bottom rope.

The official gets in Jackson’s face, commencing with a five count and ultimately forcing Adams to break the hold.

Billy: Max already down by two rope breaks despite dominating this match. If Adams wasn’t such a blatant idiot I’d accuse him of having a strategy.

Steward: HA!

Craven slowly pulls himself up with the use of the ropes when Jackson steps in and forces his neck into the middle cable. He now wedges a knee directly to the back of Craven’s head, putting all his weight into him. As a result Craven is choked against the rope, gasping desperately for air.

Another five count is started that eventually entices Adams to break the illegal choke. He now steps back and gets a running start to deliver a straight kick to the side of Max’s face. The strike knocks him over to his seat, spine wedged to the cables to keep himself upright.

At this point Adams turns around, taking off across the ring and bouncing off of the far cables. Max surprises him however, standing up and throwing a lariat directly into Jackson’s throat only to have Adams duck under it. He continues into the ropes behind Max, ricochets from them and comes barreling towards Craven.

To the surprise of Adams he’s caught to the ribs with a spinning back heel kick that connects right on target. The stiff strike doubles Adams over, knocking the air out of his lungs while Craven reaches out and takes him by the wrist. He swings under his wrist, going for the arm ringer only to have Adams immediately drop into a forward roll. He ends up on his back, reaching out with his free hand then grabbing the back of Max’s ankle. He lifts up on it, Craven collapsing to his back with Jackson standing up and trying to step through the elevated legs of his opposition.

Mayne: Are you friggin kidding me? He’s gonna get ANOTHER hold locked in? This is horrible.

Steward: No, horrible is the World Title not being on a member of the Five Star Society.

Mayne: True.

Steward: Horrible is listening to you TRY and commentate.

Mayne: Alright….

Steward: Horrible, is that thing you left floating in my toilet.

Mayne: ALRIGHT.

Max is desperate to avoid the hold and avoid using his final rope break. He twists from one side to the other, trying to free himself from the clutches of the Champion. Finally he is able to free himself by interlocking his legs around Jackson’s ankle and drop toe holding him face first into the second turnbuckle pad. Jackson’s head bounces off of it and he turns, falling to his seat, spine pressed to the corner.

Billy: Ohhhh excellent.

The dazed Adams tries to shake off his head first collision with the corner while Max staggers to his feet and gets a running start. He steps up the ropes, grabs the top cable with both hands and then swings his feet towards Jackson’s prone face. That’s when Adams leaps to an upright base, reaches out and catches the feet as they near his features.

He hooks his arms around Max’s knees and lets him drop to his back, now going for his modified Cloverleaf. It takes everything in Max’s power to stay out of the submission but he finally succeeds, wedging his feet to Jackson’s chest and kicking him off spine first into the turnbuckle.

His back cracks against the corner and he stumbles forward right into a small package. Max rolls out of the pin, grabs Jackson’s leg, turns him over to his stomach and rears back into the Boston Leg Crab. Adams lifts his hand, already on the verge of submission, absolutely STUNNED by this lighting quick counter.

Instead of slapping the canvas and submitting, or using one of his rope breaks, Jackson twists his body just enough to fall onto his back. He then wedges his free foot to Max’s rear end and shoves him off into the cables. Max is sent barreling towards the center of the ring before dropping into a forward roll. He ends up on his feet, spinning back towards Jackson and barreling towards him.

What Craven doesn’t know is that Jackson is back on his feet and barreling towards him. He throws a lariat once more to do significant damage on the already bruised windpipe of Craven only to have Max duck it. He now only ducks it but hooks the crease of Jackson’s arm and launches his legs out across his back. He wraps them around the far shoulder of Adams, going for the crucifix.

Billy: After dozens of Submission Title matches you would think that people would finally realize that pins are IRRELEVENT! God, it gets so annoying…..

Katie: Annoying? ANNOYING? You don’t know annoying until you’ve spent two hours a week listening to the words and gases emit from the body of one Billy Mayne.

Mayne: My burps and bottom belches are still more original than Jackson Adams’ dialogue though.

Just before Billy can continue complaining about the misinterpretation of the rules Max breaks his grasp on Jackson’s arm, twists his body and slides down the Champion’s back. He catches him around the waist and pulls him over into the sunset flip. The fans erupt as Craven stands up, grabs the leg and then pulls Adams over to his chest, applying the Boston Crab for a second time.

Billy: Well, I would say I stand corrected but I’m never wrong.

Katie: Nonsense, your nowhere near as infallible as I am.

Adams pushes himself up to his elbows, groaning from the agony flowing throughout his leg and mid-section. Max has the hold firmly applied this time and isn’t about to let up. He rears as far back on the leg as possible until the joints begin to snap in Adams’ kneecap.

Billy: Tap Adams, just go ahead and tap, come on, you’ll feel a lot better.

Katie: He probably feels like he’s passing a kidney stone, or as I call them, a Stacy Kissinger.

Adams twists and turns, his body addled by pain from this intense one on one confrontation. Hope seems to be fading, his hand inching towards the ropes in order to save himself, but they are far, FAR away, too far in fact, farther than far, the FARTHEST! Jackson finally realizes that countering is his only means of salvation. He rolls to his back once again only to have Craven turn around this time and face his opponent.

He tries to keep hold of the arm before Adams drastically rolls his body and sends Craven flipping over sideways. To the shock of Adams though, Max cartwheels across the canvas and lands on his feet. He then steps forward, grabs Jackson’s leg, tucks under his armpit and pulls him right back to his chest, applying another Boston Crab. Adams grimaces and claws desperately at the canvas. He tries to fight through the pain, attempting to block it from his mind like an image of Danny Devito in a g-string.

Mayne: Hahahahaha-HAHAHAHA-he goes right back into the hold, GENIUS!

Katie: There’s not one thing even remotely brilliant about this match, with the obvious exception of my commentary skills.

Adams bites his lower lip and tries to fight through the pain, gritting it out in the sake of retaining his coveted title. He crawls like a solder through a trench towards the ropes, knowing that Max won’t let go unless the official forces him to. Finally, with his last vestige of energy, Jackson extends his hand and wraps it around the bottom cable.

The five count commences and reaches four, prompting Craven to break his hold and come staggering forward to the center of the ring.

Mayne: Ha, now Jackson uses one rope break, did ya see, did ya see him use it?

Katie: YES, Minion. Have you forgotten my omnipotent powers?

Billy: Oh, yeah, about that thing I was doing in the shower this morning….

Steward: Please do not go into any further detail.

Max turns back towards Adams, who is in the process of deliberately forcing himself up to his feet. He utilizes the cables to do so and unfortunately ends up propped against them with his throat. This allows Max to come rushing up behind him, leaping into the air and dropping all his weight thigh first across the back of Jackson’s head.

Adams is choked against the top rope, sending him staggering backwards to the center of the ring while Craven floats over the cables and lands on the apron. He pivots his feet in anticipation at this point, preparing for something that can only be described as spectacular.

He isn’t about to crush expectations, leaping to the top rope and taking flight straight towards Adams. Jackson has the forethought to duck however, causing Max to fly right over his head, landing behind him. Jackson spins around quickly, traps the arms and prepares for the unprettier.

However, Craven slips down Jackson’s stomach, drops to his back, reaches up with his legs and wraps them around Jackson’s waist. A stunned Adams is pulled down into a forward roll up. Max quickly stands up however, turns around and grabs Jackson’s leg, tucking it under his armpit. The crowd squeals at the thought of yet another Crab being established on the prone Adams.

Mayne: And he gets caught again. This is such a hoot!

Jackson is seemingly seconds from being turned over and locked in the submission before he bends his legs, doubling Craven over. The crouched position allows Jackson to sit up and deck Max’s forehead several times and eventually kick him off.

Katie: Actually he wasn’t put in the hold, leave the foretelling to a Goddess, Minion.

The force of the kick off sends Craven barreling backwards into the ropes. He turns just in time to leap to the middle cable though. Adams is just reaching his feet when Craven springs off the ropes, twists, lands on his shoulders and falls back into the hurricarana. Jackson is flipped over as a result and planted on his back, Craven landing on top of him. He then drops into a backwards roll though, ending up on his feet and then reaching down for the legs.

Billy: Jackson just can’t evade the Crab…..there’s a really, really obvious joke I can insert here, but I’m gonna take the high road.

Steward: Come off it.

Billy: Yeah, who am I kidding? And for once, it’s not the type of crabs that Jackson usually deals with, hahahahaha.

Katie: That punch line wasn’t even worth the anticipation.

Max lifts Jackson’s leg only to have Adams kick at him with his free foot. Therefore, Max grabs that leg as well, steps through them, swings around and drops to his back, applying an Inverted Indian Death Lock. Jackson sits up howling in pain, looking on the verge of tapping out. He cups his hands over his face before elevating one above the canvas, ready to slap it to the ring and submit to the unbearable punishment.

Mayne: Tap out, tap out, tap out, tap out!!

Katie: What he said.

Somehow Adams fights off the irresistible urge to quit, realizing that by giving into his pain he’ll be giving up his Submission Title. He begins to shimmy across his back, inching himself towards the ropes which seem to be separated by the length of the Sahara.

Billy: Damn him, damn that Adams, quit playing with my emotions. You know how emotionally fragile I am.

Katie: Yes, I think I saw you weeping at the end of Nukie.

Mayne: That was the most heart wrenching movie ever made, EVER.

Just as Adams gets within arms length of the ropes, showing that miracles can happen, Craven audaciously breaks his own hold and grabs the ankle of his opponent. He pulls him back to the center of the ring and then grabs him by the wrist, forcing him up to his seat. Jackson barely has any time to respond as Craven ricochets from the ropes in front of him and then barrels forward in order to connect with the Big Stiffy.

The few seconds that Craven has given Jackson are valuable ones. He slips forward across his seat and catches Max by the knees, Craven misjudging his distance. Adams then drops back, Craven collapsing forward with the Champion stepping over his spine. He now applies the Liontamer for a second time in this bout.

A loud, piercing roar emanates from Craven, who wedges himself up with the use of his elbows. His head shakes as the referee insists that he submit.

Mayne: AAAARRRGH!

Katie: Who the hell let Patchy the Pirate in here?

Craven continues to be unwilling to budge on the idea of tapping out. He digs his fingernails into the canvas, forces himself up and looks longingly at the far, far ropes. Jackson puts even more pressure on the hold, hoping to keep him grounded to the ring.

Craven however isn’t about to let this happen. He counters in much the same fashion that Adams did earlier. He twists from side to side and eventually frees his legs in the process of rolling to his back. As a result Jackson is forced to turn around, now facing Craven and then trying to step through the ropes.

Max reverses the same way he did earlier in the match, wrapping his legs around Jackson’s ankle and then drop toe holding him forward into the canvas. Craven now stands up and twists around, grabbing Jackson’s leg and trying to place him in the Boston Crab for another excruciatingly painful experience.

Adams desperately slithers across his stomach though with Craven trying to hold his ankle and then grabs the bottom rope. The official informs the world that Jackson has utilized his SECOND rope break and now steps in front of Craven, DEMANDING that he break the hold.

Billy: Ohhh son of a gun!

Katie: Did you get that expression from 1864, your birthday?

The official forces Craven back, informing him that the rope break is legal. Craven blows him off, stepping around the official and moving towards Adams, who suddenly reaches out, catches Max by the front of his tights and pulls him down throat first in the middle rope.

Craven’s head snaps back and he falls to the ring, Jackson standing up then grabbing his legs. He forces them up into the air, steps through then rolls Max over to his chest, applying his patented Straight Shooter.

Mayne: NYOOO, nyooo, nyoooo…..

Katie: Why must you throw that “y” in there? It makes it so INSUFFERABLE!

Adams leans back on the submission until Max’s spine almost snaps. Craven is already having trouble breathing, prompting him to lift his hand into the air, trying to deny the temptation to tap. He now digs his talons into the ring and tries to pull himself towards the ropes, towards his only salvation. He is just a few inches away before he reaches out only for his hand to fall just short. Jackson drags him back to the center of the ring and then sits down on the spine once again, applying more pressure on the Straight Shooter.

Mayne: Come on Max, take some spinach, pop some steroid pills, do something.

Susie: I’m pretty sure he’s done all of the above already.

Max wedges his fists to the canvas, shoving himself up and then pulling his pain addled body across the ring. He inches closer to the ropes once again, the crowd rallied behind him. His fingers are on the cusp of grabbing the bottom cable when he’s suddenly yanked across the ring and back to the center of the squared circle. Jackson leans back even further on the Straight Shooter. Eventually this leaves Max with only one remaining option, submission. He makes the hardest decision of his life by slapping the canvas and giving up.

Mayne: NOOOO! Somewhere a thousand kittens have dropped over dead because Jackson Adams just won a match. He won. He won! I’m totally beside myself.

Katie: To be beside yourself would be to insinuate that you have a twin of some sorts, which is a horrible, horrible thought! Thanks, your Goddess is going to have nightmares now.

Adams immediately breaks the hold then falls to his knees, breathing deep as buckets of sweat drip down his fatigued frame. It takes all his strength to stand up as the referee grabs his wrist and holds his arm up high. The Submission Title is forked over, Jackson lifting the championship with pride, having truly earned the right to call himself champion here this evening.

Billy: If I could shed a tear, I would right now, but sadly the Botox injections won’t let me do it.

Katie: Jackson retains the title, boo-hoo-hoo, worse things have happened, like being forced to sit through an entire Syren match, or even worse, actually WRESTLING her!

Mayne: Well if you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m right here, but the funny thing is, my shoulder is located right next to my penis.

A NEW GENERATION OF A GENERATION

Victory just isn’t enough for Adams. Despite his exhaustion he’s staggered into the ropes and requested the use of a microphone. One is promptly forked over and raised to his passionate features.

Jackson: Do you see that? Do you see it!?! THAT was wrestling people!

His finger gestures to the ring and to Craven now seated in a corner. The fans cannot disagree with this statement, applauding his claims.

Billy: He considers that wrestling? There wasn’t even any jello or g-strings.

Katie: Thanks for yet another disturbing image you just put in my head.

The strangely emotional Adams now paces with the belt thrown over his shoulder.

Adams: You just saw a wrestling match ladies and gentlemen. That’s right, I hope you recorded every second of it, because actual WRESTLING matches are few and far between here in the IWC.

The crowd again has trouble disagreeing.

Jackson: This match wasn’t based around swerves, or politics, or egos, it was all about championship gold and pride. Craven and I, we just went retro, we went back to basics, we went back to what wrestling is ALL ABOUT!

Even Max can’t argue with that logic as he limps to his feet in the corner.

Adams: If I were wearing a hat, which I don’t since I get horrible hat hair, I’d take it off to you Max. You just gave me the fight of my life and you didn’t rely on screw jobs, on run-ins, count-outs, disqualifications, none of the above. You came at me 100%, you didn’t hold anything back, you gave me your all sir, and in the process you gave me the match of my career. I just wish that there were more wrestlers like you out there, that’s right, I said WRESTLERS, not entertainers, not POLITICIANS like Orlando Cruze, or Johnny Kingdom, WRESTLERS. That’s what you are Craven, and that’s just the type of guy I want to surround myself with.

Max’s eyebrows twitch in bewilderment.

Jackson: Confused?

Mayne: I really hope he’s not hinting at an orgy.

Adams: Frankly I’m sick of seeing the same two groups slugging it out on this show over airtime and popularity and all that gaga. It seems EVERYONE around these parts has forgotten what this business is about, WRESTLING, pride, honor, being the best by EARNING it instead of kissing the asses of the right people. Max, you and I both know that groups like the Empire, and the Five Star Society are TRASHING this company. They are destroying everything that guys like us stand for. That’s why here and now I’m announcing the reformation of the Alpha Generation!

An audible gasp can be heard from the stunned crowd, every fan taken aback by this announcement.

Adams: That’s right, I’m bringing back the Alpha Generation, or more accurately, a NEW generation of the Alpha Generation, a group that will be based around everything wrestling is SUPPOSED to stand for, and everything that the likes of the Five Star Society and the Empire are NOT. Sure, the Alpha Generation once represented politics, it once represented the bad side of this business, but not this time, no, no, no. This time the Alpha Generation will be about WRESTLING and HONOR. So Max, I extend to you an invitation. As a man who has busted his ass for years in this company only to constantly be shoved aside in favor of the Five Star Society and the likes of Johnny Kingdom, I offer you the chance to stand up. It’s time men like you and me said NO MORE. No more sitting on the sidelines watching guys abuse their authority to get into World Title matches, NO MORE corporate stables, NO MORE Johnny Kingdom, Christian Savior main events. I want you to think about this offer Max, to think long and hard about it. No rush, just think about it. Think about if your ready to represent what the IWC is truly all about.

Craven looks into Jackson’s eyes and can tell that he is 100% authentic with every word. There is no trace of delusion in his voice, Adams’ vocals calm and steady throughout. All Craven can do is shrug before departing the ring. He opts to do exactly what Jackson has requested by quietly meditating on his answer. He embarks up the ramp with Jackson nodding and continuing on the mic.

Jackson: And there’s one more guy I want to extend an Alpha Generation offer too. A guy who has gotten himself tangled in a web of politics, a forum he wanted NO PLACE IN! But I, I can cut the strings that bind him, I can free him from the spider’s chamber. AWOL! By the end of this night I will have a talk with you, and you WILL join my cause, the Alpha Generation movement, because you know that it’s time to go back to basics. It’s time to once again be a WRESTLER!

The mic is tossed to the canvas and Jackson takes off, slipping through the ropes then eventually hitting the mats as he proceeds up the ramp.

Mayne: Are you serious? Seriously? Seriously serious? Is Jackson REALLY out here preaching about pride and honor? Did he have a lobotomy or something?

Katie: No, I think his brain was COMPLETELY removed from his skull.

Billy: It had to have been if he expects AWOL to take him up on his offer.

The determined Adams continues to march, now strolling through the curtains to the back, leaving an air of anticipation behind him.

FACING THE FIRE

For some reason, unbeknownst to everyone but the camera man, we go live to the entrance to the Manhattan Center. The double doors remain shut and still, not a semblance of any life. This can only remain true for so long. Eventually the doors burst open and through them strolls the former World Heavyweight Champion, Simon Cagero. The mere sight of him sends the crowd into an uproar, women squealing and guys chanting Simon’s name.

Mayne: What is he doing here? He lost! Shouldn’t he vanish? Shouldn’t be in Vineyard Country or something?

Katie: I don’t know, but at least I get to make fun of his hair again.

The crowd is stunned to see Simon in the building. Although tonight he doesn’t look nearly as upbeat and arrogant. His features are far more sullen, far more serious. His leather jacket binds to his body and his sunglasses dangle on the tip of his nose as he proceeds onward.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

The Adventures of Viscera and his traveling Theme Music

JOHNNY KINGDOM © VS. ZERO

The cameras cut back to the interior of the arena just as….

WAKE UP

….is screeched through the PA system, resulting in an uproarious reaction from the packed Manhattan Center crowd. The reaction only gets louder as the Team Leader tears through the curtains and saunters to the stage. In one hand he holds the IWC Tag Team Title belt, in the other he grips his coveted World Heavyweight Championship. He spends absolutely zero, no pun intended, time pandering the crowd, immediately embarking towards the ring for his first title defense.

Billy: Here comes public enemy number 1. Seriously, I rank Kingdom somewhere between Carrot Top and Richard Simmons in terms of being obnoxious.

Katie: Plus he’s bald, which makes him ten times worse.

Mayne: I agree. Couldn’t he at least slap some type of toupee on there or something? The gleam from his head is giving me a migraine.

Katie: So is this match. I mean, seriously, WHO cares about seeing Kingdom versus Zero? Neither man is a member of the Five Star Society, so why should anyone give a hoot who wins?

Billy: I’ve NEVER found you more attractive than I do right now.

Despite Kingdom’s speedy strut he can’t move quickly enough to avoid the blindside attack. A bicep cracks him in the back of his neck, knocking him to his knees across the stage, one Jackson Adams standing above him.

Billy: JA attacking JK, I’m using abbreviations now because I’m not even going to bother saying their full names, not worth it.

Katie: It’s about time Jackson showed some intelligence. Only took him twenty something years to do so.

The Submission Champion quickly puts the boots to Kingdom’s skull and shoulders, trying to inflict as much damage on his former partner pre-match as possible. Johnny is not one to be victimized, he stands, throws an elbow and nails Jackson right in the ribcage.

The strike knocks the air out of JA’s lungs and sends him stumbling. He plants his feet just as Kingdom moves in and pops him right across the jaw, sending Jackson spiraling into the set. The discombobulated Adams collapses into the steel struts supporting the Cartel tron, wrapping his arm around it to maintain his balance.

Johnny tosses his heavy gold to the stage and then gets a running start at Adams, diving in his direction only to sail face first into the strut. His skull bounces off of the steel after Adams ducked down out of the way, avoiding his airborne opponent.

Billy: That wasn’t smart on Johnny’s part.

Steward: What has he ever done that can be constituted as “smart?”

Billy: Touche.

With a possibly busted lip and fractured jaw Kingdom staggers to the center of the stage, doubling over and gripping at his wounded face. That’s when Adams steps up behind him, grabs his arms, hooking the biceps, then spins him around and delivers the unprettier. Johnny’s face slams violently into the grating of the stage, his brain rattled within his possibly cracked skull.

Billy: That looked like it hurt.

Katie: So do my ears whenever you speak.

An audible gasp can be heard from the crowd as Johnny’s skull crashes into the stage and he is left sprawled helplessly across the stage. Jackson rolls away from him, getting to a knee with a demented gleam in his eyes. He seems quite satisfied with his actions, having left the Team Leader crippled and putting a serious dapper on his World Title ambitions.

Mayne: What a nasty slam on the stage…..

Katie: How dare Jackson STEAL one of my patented moves.

Billy: Usually I’d be far more enraged with Jackson, but I kind of respect his actions here were just…..just……HILARIOUS!

Steward: I agree.

Adams slowly rises to his feet and begins to back away from the laid out Kingdom. In the process he grabs the IWC Tag Team Title belt and lifts it up to his shoulder, throwing it over.

Billy: Now he’s taking the Tag Team Title belt.

Katie: Well, much like myself, he must be addicted to gold.

Mayne: Is Kingdom STILL going to defend his title? I mean, how can he after this attack by Adams?

Steward: Dope him up with some Demurral and he should be rosey.

Billy: I guess we’re going to find out if the World Title will be on the line or not, NEXT.

If one were a betting man it wouldn’t be much of a gamble to assume that Kingdom will NOT be putting the gold up for grabs in his scheduled match. Referee Wright stands on the stage just off to Kingdom’s side, checking on the Champ’s condition and shouting at Adams to stay away. While Jackson would like nothing more than to end Johnny’s career here this evening, he settles for walking away with the Tag Team Title belt nestled over his shoulder. The riveted crowd watches on, captivated by the promise of what lies ahead after the commercial break.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

The Glorious 1980s

JOHNNY KINGDOM © VS. ZERO????

Billy: We’re back…..

Steward: Boooooo.

Mayne: And as you can plainly see, Kingdom IS inside of the ring REFUSING medical help.

Steward: Boooooooo.

Inside of the squared circle is where an injured Johnny Kingdom looms. He rests back propped against the turnbuckle, face mangled by the collision with the stage. His eyes flicker as he tries to remain conscious and cognizant of the referee’s questions.

Wright: Do you know where you are Johnny? Who’s the President of the United States? How many fingers am I holding up?

His hand is slapped away from Johnny’s face, Kingdom convinced that he can still go tonight, that he can still defend his World Championship. Wright isn’t quite as sure of the Champ’s ability to put the belt on the line given the fact that he could be suffering from a severe concussion. Unfortunately his hands are tied.

Billy: Kingdom’s ready to do it, he’s ready to put the belt up for grabs. I say let him do it, it should give us all a good laugh.

Katie: I find nothing about this funny. In fact, I find nothing about the IWC at all to be funny.

Before the ref can further gauge Kingdom’s awareness the lights in the building dim and Zero’s entrance proceeds. His usual titantron entrance plays, filled with a variety of images pertaining to the enigmatic soul.

Mayne: Zero’s not gonna wait around, which is smart strategy.

Katie: He has shown SOME intelligence, mainly when it comes to keeping his pimply, grotesque face under that mask.

The fans have a mixed reaction to the Challenger’s entrance, questioning the honor of the masked man to face Kingdom when he’s not 100%. They continue questioning his nobility when the houselights rise and Zero is revealed in the ring already pummeling the Team Leader with right hands.

Billy: Zero jumping Johnny while the lights were out, BRILLIANT. Kingdom is getting jumped by everyone tonight.

Steward: This should happen on every single edition of Riot! Actually this should be what the show consists of entirely.

Billy: It’s like we’re seeing a totally different side of Zero here, and I can’t complain about it.

Zero’s fists continue to sail into Johnny’s damaged cranium, causing him to slump in the corner. Referee Wright is powerless to put a stop to this and with a heavy heart he finally motions for the bell to commence this World Title match.

The masked mystery continues his onslaught, taking Johnny’s wrist into his hand and then whipping him into the opposite turnbuckle. Kingdom puts the breaks on it though, turning and reversing the grip onto Zero’s wrist. The resiliency of the Champion is on display as he pulls Zero forward into a kick to the gut. He then takes him around the neck, setting up for the Exodus Finale.

Mayne: I guess this is smart by Kingdom, he’s got to end this quick.

The loud pop from the crowd quiets once Zero falls to his knees, escaping the headlock and then rolling from the ring. He ends up on the apron, utilizing the ropes as a barrier between himself and the Team Leader.

Billy: Oh come on. Zero can’t even beat an injured man? This is like getting beat by a one legged competitor in an ass kicking contest. Hmmm, I like that, I think I’ll coin it as a phrase.

Steward: That statement has been in existence for decades.

Billy: Then how come I never heard it?

Steward: Because you live a very, very sheltered life.

Billy: That’s not my fault, it tends to happen when your not allowed out of your parent’s basement until the age of seventeen.

Kingdom shakes off the damage done to his skull and waits for his vision to stop being so blurry before he rushes at his challenge. Zero reaches over the ropes, grabs Kingdom around the neck and drops to his seat. As a result Kingdom’s chin bounces off of the top rope and he drops to a knee. He tries to fight off the effects of that collision with the rope as Zero stands up behind it and now leaps over it. He twists in mid-air, catches Kingdom around the neck and pulls him down skull first into the ring with a DDT.

Billy: Ouch, that was almost as painful as watching Katelyn Parkwood putting her clothes back on.

Katie: Which isn’t very often.

Mayne: True, it’s a very rare sight.

The Team Leader lies on his back with Zero crawling into a quick cover. He hooks both legs for the pin while the crowd watches on screaming like banshees.

No, somehow, injured cranium and all, Kingdom is able to get a shoulder up. He twists to his side allowing drool to seep from the corner of his mouth.

Billy: That’s totally improbable.

Katie: As improbable as any IWC wrestler doing something that impresses me.

Billy: Which we both know will NEVER happen.

Katie: Exactly.

In a rare display Zero actually argues with the referee, ordering him to reverse his decision. The official confirms that it was a two and ONLY a two count. To the annoyance of Zero he goes back to work on Johnny, who is damaged goods at this point.

He is taken around the neck, led to a knee and drilled to the temple with a forearm. He follows this up with ANOTHER forearm shiver that almost sends Johnny right back down to the canvas. He now drags Kingdom’s head under his seat and prepares for a piledriver.

Mayne: He might not just win the title he may END Kingdom’s career.

Katie: I’m crossing my fingers now in the hope that he does. Come on you lil Masked Goon, you could do it trooper.

Johnny dashes Katie’s hopes and puts the kibosh on Zero’s career shortening move. He swings out of the piledriver predicament, turns to face his enigmatic opposition, takes him by the wrist and shoots him off into the turnbuckle. This time HE’S reversed however, the Team Leader meeting the corner post with a nasty thud. Somehow, damaged head and all, he remains upright just long enough for Zero to rush in, leap up high and ultimately crash into him with a big splash.

Zero drops down into a backwards roll, ending up in the center of the ring and then gets another running start. He leaps as high as possible then connects with a SECOND big splash, doing further damage to the World Heavyweight Champion.

Billy: Zero is just having his way with Kingdom now. This looks easier than beating Bob in a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Katie: I assume he just stuffs the Trivial Pursuit cards in his mouth.

Mayne: And you would be correct in that assumption.

Steward: Of course, I’m ALWAYS right, minion.

Johnny comes staggering out of the corner, bending forward put keeping his feet planted to the canvas. This proves costly, as it puts him in perfect position for Zero, who comes charging in, catching him around the neck and delivering the swinging neckbreaker. The back of Johnny’s head hits the ring with incredible force but Zero isn’t done targeting his possibly cracked skull.

He maintains his grip on the neck and then rolls over in reverse, pulling Johnny’s tired, ailing body along with him. Zero reaches his feet and keeps Johnny bent over, head trapped in a cravat, positioned for the repeated knee strikes to the face. The Team Leader seemingly has no defense against this onslaught of knee caps to his facial features, the shots possibly resulting in intracranial bleeds.

Finally the abnormally intense and merciless Zero breaks the cravat, gets a running start and then drives his knee directly into the Team Leader’s fragile temple. Johnny is sent tumbling to his back while Zero takes off into the ropes, ricochets off and then flips forward into a senton leg drop. The crease of his knee lands directly across the Team Leader’s face, inflicting even more punishment on the skull.

Mayne: Zero remorseless. This is the type of wrestling I like to see from him. If he does debilitate Kingdom in the process of taking the title off of him then maybe I’ll forgive Zero for being an all around douche bag.

Steward: You have a far softer heart than me then. I’d hate him even if he cured ugly.

The repeated shots to the skull has Kingdom’s vision blurred, his ears ringing and his head pounding. He tries to overcome all of these ailments even as Zero bounces from the ropes, steps to his side and leaps into the air, coming down with a standing awesome splash right on top of his face. He finally reaches out and grabs Kingdom’s kneepad, using it to his lift his leg for the pin.

NYOOO. Kingdom still has some fight left in his weary body, the World Champion refusing to go out this way.

Katie: Oh wonderful, Mr. Clean is going to prolong our agony.

Billy: Yeah, I think we’re suffering far worse than he is.

The incredible speedy Zero stands up, turns his back on Johnny and then performs a standing moonsault, once again throwing all of his body weight down on top of the Team Leader’s head. The fracture in Kingdom’s skull must now resemble the grand canyon. Zero drops forward and wedges his forearm into his adversary’s face, grinding it against his features in the process of the pin.

Again Johnny is forced to expend his little remaining energy, throwing a shoulder free from the canvas just before three.

Billy: Why must he keep doing that? It’s starting to get REALLY annoying.

After kicking out Johnny actually starts to stand, wiggling his way upward only to be shut down with a forearm to the upper back followed by a neck cravat. The Team Leader’s head is twisted at a very disturbing angle and once again subjected to the knee strikes from his masked challenger. He shoots one knee up straight towards the Champ’s features before it is shockingly caught in his clutches.

Johnny now stands, reaches out with his leg and sweeps the pivoting foot of Zero out from under his body. He crashes to his back only to roll over in reverse, getting straight to his feet. The moment he plants his heels to the ring he’s almost sent right back down to the canvas thanks to a knife edge chop from the weakened Kingdom. Johnny then hits another chop, and then a third, starting to build some momentum.

He then grabs the back of Zero’s head, pulls him forward and blasts him straight to the forehead with a European Uppercut. The strike has Zero’s arms flailing as he tries to remain upright. Johnny steps back and then gets a running start to deliver another European Uppercut. This one is ducked by the resilient Zero, who switches around behind Kingdom and takes him by the waist.

Mayne: Standing switch….hey, how about that, I actually knew the name to one of these moves.

Katie: I’m amazed. I guess my keen wrestling mind has begun to rub off on you.

Billy: That’s not the only part of you I’d like to have rubbed against my body.

Katie: Hello lawsuit.

Zero now has Johnny in the reverse waist lock but the Team Leader tries to maneuver his way out of it. He takes off into the ropes, pulling his masked opponent along behind him. Once he hits the cables he pushes off with his back, sending Zero rolling in reverse straight to his feet.

The Challenger stands only briefly before rushing straight at the Team Leader who comes spiraling out of the cables into the roaring elbow.

The blow connects with such force that it knocks Johnny to his elbows and knees at the same time as sending Zero plummeting to his back. Both Champion and Challenger are down with Kingdom looking the worse for wear.

Mayne: Their down, can they get back up?

Steward: What kind of ridiculous, Michael Cole-ish comment is that?

Mayne: I don’t know, I’m not even really trying to be honest.

Katie: That makes two of us.

A loud “Kingdom” chant has started from the crowd, all those in the Manhattan Center trying to motivate and hype the World Champion. While he doesn’t need their support to amp him up, Johnny feeds off the energy this time and reaches his feet just as Zero does the same.

His mysterious adversary steps in and throws the right hand, having it blocked before Johnny responds with an uppercut shot. The strike sends Zero staggering back a few steps before moving in for another attempted right. Again Johnny blocks and again he responds with an uppercut that jacks his opponent’s skull.

Zero is sent down to the canvas this time but quickly rolling across it and rushing to his feet. He stands just as Kingdom bounces off the ropes in front of him, charges in and drills him directly to the face with a running boot. The force of the impact almost sends Zero into a back flip, hitting the canvas across the back of his skull and neck.

Shortly after delivering the kick Kingdom looses his balance and goes stumbling into the ropes. He lands against them side first, wrapping an arm around the top cable to maintain his balance. All the while Zero is rolling across the canvas and sluggishly reaching his feet.

In the process of waiting for his challenger to stand Kingdom grabs his elbow pad, slips it from his arm and tosses it into the crowd. Besides serving as a momento to a lucky fan it also sets up for Johnny’s lethal, throat shattering clothesline which he promptly delivers on an unsuspecting Zero. The mysterious masked man reaches his feet only to be beheaded by a lariat delivered with enough force to bust concrete.

Katie: Why won’t he just die already?

Billy: I’ve been asking that same question for YEARS.

Although the forceful clothesline may have been enough to put Zero down for the three, Kingdom is incapable of following up on the pin. He remains on his elbows and knees, his migraine complicating things greatly. He tries to shake the damage inflicted on his brain by the unprettier on the stage but it is still debilitating his ability to properly capitalize on his offensive onslaught.

Mayne: Dammit Johnny, get the pin already so we can all go home and watch Project Runwa…..I mean, American Ido…..I mean America’s Next Top Mod…..

Katie: If I actually cared about you I would be concerned right about now, but since I don’t care, I’m meh’.

Victory slips through Kingdom’s fingers thanks to the punishment inflicted pre-match and during this already grueling encounter. Zero rolls away from the Team Leader and ends up spilling under the ropes to the outside mats. He lands on his feet and leans against the apron, rubbing at his neck in incredible pain.

The suddenly fired up Kingdom reaches his feet in the center of the ring, then rushes forward and leaps into a baseball slide. He slips across his stomach and eventually catches Zero around the neck before falling to the outside of the ring and pulling his masked opposition down into a bulldog face buster. Zero’s face almost implodes against the mats, giving the fans more cause for celebration.

Katie: Thank God he’s wearing that mask…..

Billy: Yeah, he’s really going to need it after that last move, hahahaha.

Steward: Don’t laugh and don’t steal my thunder ever again.

Billy: Sorry.

Steward: I will put you on panty cleaning duty again.

Mayne: You make that sound like it’s a punishment.

Zero slowly crawls across the mats and surprisingly begins to stand, albeit with the assistance of the stairs. Johnny falls him in and takes his head into his hands before slamming him down skull first into the steel stairs. Zero’s head ricochets from the metal and he almost collapses to the mats. Unfortunately Johnny isn’t about to let that happen. He grabs Zero around the neck, turns him and rolls him onto the apron where he will shortly continue his onslaught.

After taking a breather Kingdom climbs to the apron beside Zero and then takes him by the back of the head. The vengeful Johnny has his judgment clouded as he forces the enigmatic masked man to his feet, places him in a front chancery and sets up for the Exodus Finale on the APRON.

Billy: Ohhhh my, Kingdom is about to render another man retarded, and this time it won’t be by telling him how many zeroes are on his paycheck.

Katie: It should be all zeroes. The only money Johnny deserves to make is the colorful Monopoly kind.

The crowd squeals as Johnny attempts to lift Zero into the air and shatter his skull via an impact with the apron. Just before he can fulfill his plot Zero provides a stunning counter. He stands up, back dropping Johnny over his head. At the last conceivable second, before he could be obliterated by way of a nasty fall to the outside, Kingdom grabs the top rope and floats over into the ring.

Even with possible brain damage Johnny still has the wherewithal to save himself from disaster. He lands gracefully inside of the ring just as Zero reaches over the ropes from the apron and places him in a stunner position. Before he can drop Kingdom throat first into the ropes for a second time in this match Johnny shocks him with a counter. He reaches out, wraps his arms around Zero’s head and then falls to his seat, connecting with a reverse neckbreaker that snaps the back of his opponent’s head against the top rope.

Billy: HA! Zero suffering two epic fails in a row. He’s being punished more than Katelyn’s vagina that night in the sack with me.

Katie: And just like Katelyn, Zero’s getting absolutely no pleasure out of this.

Billy: Exac…..wait a minute.

After having his spinal column nearly snapped thanks to the whiplash from that neck breaker, Zero is sent right back down to the outside mats. Surprisingly he lands on his feet, spine once again wedged to the apron and supporting his traumatized body. Kingdom goes back to the same well he did earlier, standing up and then getting a running start for the bulldog. He drops to his stomach, slipping across it and under the ropes before catching Zero around his masked head.

This time Johnny doesn’t meet with the result he was expecting and instead suffers from his repetition. Zero reaches back, catches Kingdom around the neck in mid-slide and then pulls him out of the ring into a diamond cutter right across the outside mats. He stands up on top of his face, his skull and neck taking a great deal of punishment as he slams into the thin protecting matting.

Mayne: WHOA!

Katie: Slightly impress….no, no, not impressive at all, I’ve lost the moment.

Billy: If Kingdom isn’t dead now then they should change his name to Solomon Grundy.

Steward: He already talks like him.

The crowd cringes and groans as Johnny’s body takes such a nasty impact on the outside, his body going limp as it lies sprawled across the mats. Everyone is on their feet, some cupping their mouths, others chanting over what they just witnessed.

Fans: HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!!

Zero doesn’t seem to care how the fans are reacting, completely concentrating on taking the title. He struggles to lift Kingdom, who is no more than dead weight at this point. It takes all of his remaining strength to compel Johnny to stand and then eventually roll him into the ring under the ropes. Zero now slides in after him and crawls straight onto the Champion’s sternum, slapping the canvas to implore the referee. Official Wright drops down, beginning to make the count with the fans screaming.

Billy: We’re going to see another title change Katie, ANOTHER title change!

Katie: You say that like its shocking. We get so many random title switches in the IWC that you’d think the place was ran by Vince Russo.

Whether their booing or cheering every fan is on their feet captivated by the image in the ring. Excitement builds to a crescendo as the official makes the all important, deciding count.

Zero’s head bobs with each slap of the canvas, moments away from hearing the three.

A NEW World Heavyweight Champion has been crowned here this evening…..Johnny got his shoulder up just before the three.

Mayne: HEY!

Katie: Ugh.

The fans are jumping excitedly in the stands, amazed that Johnny just kicked out a fraction, no, no, a millisecond before the three count could be finished. Zero gets to his knees and presses his hands to his temples, losing his mind over Johnny’s kick out, asking himself what it’s going to take to finish off the World Heavyweight Champion. Johnny looks barely conscious, blood trickling from his nostrils and spilling down his face. He slowly, sluggishly starts to get up, trying to compel himself to stand.

Katie: I said it before and as much as I hate to repeat myself I’ll say it again, Kingdom, as well as everyone not in the Five Star Society, on this roster, are blithering idiots. If I were suffering from massive head trauma I wouldn’t keep fighting. I wouldn’t compete if I had a hang nail, or a split end.

Billy: I once competed with diarrhea, it didn’t end well.

Even with blood trickling in a steady stream from his nose, implying that he’s suffering severe intracranial pressure, Johnny continues towards his feet. He gets his knees beneath him and starts to rise, every bone and muscle in his body enflamed with pain. Zero has had enough of this entirely, employing desperate measures to ensure that he takes the gold.

Desperate measures being the removal of a turnbuckle pad and the exposing of the steel bolt beneath.

Mayne: Zero is really changing my opinion of him right now. He’s doing what it takes to win instead of droning on endlessly about all this honor bullshit. Go get ‘em sport.

Katie: It only took him like ten minutes to figure out that he should ram Johnny’s head into the steel bolt. Wow. This is a whole nother level of idiocy.

The turnbuckle is now completely exposed and waiting for Kingdom’s skull. He stands just as Zero takes him by the back of the head, charges him across the ring and attempts to drive him face first into the bolt. Somehow Kingdom has the gumption to shove him off however, sending Zero traveling sternum first into the very weapon he created.

He bounces off and cringes as he now staggers back into the waiting arms of the Team Leader. Johnny snatches him around the waist and prepares for the German suplex. Zero shocks him however by rushing forward and causing Kingdom to be pulled along, STILL holding onto his waist.

The Team Leader is suddenly subjected to a face first collision with the exposed turnbuckle bolt, Zero dropping down right in front of it and causing Johnny’s momentum to send his body sailing forward into the steel. Kingdom bounces off of the bolt, turns and then receives a disfiguring Code Breaker for his troubles.

Johnny flips over to his side and ends up stretched across his back, now lying motionless, devoid of all strength.

Mayne: Kingdom is down, this couldn’t be going any better for Zero, who just pulled off a gorgeous Code Breaker. I didn’t even know that move was in his arsenal.

Katie: I don’t care what move he hits, just as long as it ends this match and puts us all out of misery.

Billy: If Ole’ Yeller has taught us anything, it’ll take a double barrel shotgun to the brains to accomplish that.

Zero removes his leather gloves, throws them across the canvas and now wraps his arm around the crease in Kingdom’s knee. With the leg hooked and Zero leaning back into Johnny’s chest the match becomes academic. The official slaps the canvas to declare a brand new World Heavyweight Champion.

3!!!

The Manhattan Center shakes with such force that glasses are knocked off tables and the ring actually vibrates beneath a stunned Zero and Johnny Kingdom, who just kicked out.

Billy: UUUUUUUGH!

The frustrated Masked Man flips to his knees and palms, looking poised to end this once and for all. He swipes his forehead across the canvas and patiently stalks his prey, waiting for Kingdom to get up, intensely agonizing over it. Johnny tries to stand again, after all the punishment he’s taken throughout the night for him to reach his feet would be a miracle. Apparently miracles can happen because Kingdom is almost upright. He is just straightening his spine when Zero rushes forward and dives in for a spear. Unfortunately for Zero’s World Title ambitions, his head gets caught in the clutches of the Team Leader.

Kingdom throws the arm over his shoulder and lifts Zero into the air, holding him upside down for a second before finally planting him into the canvas with the Exodus Finale. The fans absolutely erupt into a rousing wave of cheers that trembles the very building they sit in. Johnny is unable to go for the pin though, body completely spent after the extreme duration of this hard fought war for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Mayne: Zero almost, I repeat that, ALMOST, had Kingdom pinned for the World Title. I don’t know if I should be happy, sad, lactated, whatever, over Zero winning, or coming up short.

Steward: I think it’ll be the latter of the two options, nobody likes a masked World Champion.

Billy: Yeah, didn’t anyone learn from Rey Mysterio?

Kingdom slowly, painstakingly turns to his side, looking as if every inch of his anatomy has been employed as Manny Pacquio’s punching bag. While most competitors would throw in the towel, tap out, stay on their back for the three, what-have-you-not, Johnny finds that inner spirit, taps into his ego and throws his battle weary body over Zero’s chest. All the fans in the building are in celebration, not matter how premature it may be. All that separates Kingdom from the World Heavyweight Title is three seconds.

The official hits the canvas and slaps it with his palm.

Mayne: Excellent, excellent it’s over.

Steward: As over as the Goddess of Desire herself, and luckily, that’s me.

The crowd chants along, hanging on each dramatic slap of the canvas.

Before the official can complete the count the ring bell chimes in the background, paralyzing his hand above the canvas. His, and everyone else’s eyes cut immediately to Porno Lad holding the bell at ringside, repeatedly dinging it with a small hammer.

Mayne: Thanks Porny, you saved us all a full second of our lives.

Katie: I didn’t even know he was out here, but now that he is, I’m grateful. The ratings just went up and as a result I’ll have a few more “zeroes” on my paycheck. I’ll finally be able to afford those burly Egyptian slaves to carry me around on my golden chariot.

Mayne: Your life is so awesome.

Steward: I know.

The bell keeps dinging, alerting everyone to both the presence of the Prankster and the hammer in hand. The Referee was thrown entirely out synch by this unusual situation. He stands up and in a fit starts barking at Porno Lad to put the belt down, in the process he completely turns his back on the action, forgetting his most vital role. Kingdom looks up through glazed over eyes, trying to snap out of the numerous, brain mutilating blows his skull has suffered.

After everything he’s been through, Kingdom still has the power to celebrate, having no control over his need to gloat. He struggles but eventually reaches his knees, immediately clinching his fists and raising them above his head.

Steward: Kingdom thinks he’s won, awwww, what a doll.

Mayne: Did he, didn’t he? I’m kinda confused on the decision here.

Steward: Your always confused, especially when it comes to sexual preferences.

Mayne: I’d prefer to have sex with you, he-he.

Steward: Wow, it’s hard to believe that with pick up lines like that your not beating the women off with a stick.

Billy: Isn’t that illegal in certain states?

Johnny realizes something is up when he doesn’t hear the crowd chanting his name, worshiping the very ground that he walks on. With his head splitting Kingdom tries to figure out what’s gone wrong, he tries to focus on reality despite his now distorted view of it.

His brain has been so jostled and thrown against the walls of his skull that he doesn’t even realize the ring bell is being swung into his face. The steel dings loudly when it connects to Johnny’s forehead and puts him on his back. The Team Leader is now strewn across the canvas with Porno Lad standing over him. A truly remorseless grin inhabits the face of the Original Prankster, overwhelmed with feelings of delight at the sight of Kingdom lying at his feet.

Billy: Just like always, Porno Lad gets the last laugh. He kept these two from finding out who the better man was, and in the process he’s laid Kingdom out.

Steward: I should jump Kingdom tonight, everyone else has got to do it.

Mayne: I know, I feel kind of excluded. And another….whoa, whoa, what is Porno Lad up to here? I don’t know if I understand his thinking.

Billy isn’t the only one put off by the sight in the ring, because now Porno Lad is forcing Kingdom up to his feet with both arms pinned behind his back. If Johnny wasn’t unconscious before, now he’s completely out. After taking an uprettier on the stage, suffering a DDT on the mats, a turnbuckle bolt to the face, a code breaker, and so, so much more, Johnny is left a vegetable. Yet, even though he’s on the brink of having machines do all his breathing and feeding, Kingdom just won’t let go of his World Heavyweight Title.

An elbow connects square against the temple of Porno Lad. A shot that is hit with enough force to knock the disruptive element back by a few steps. Both men flail their arms to remain upright, Kingdom pivoting on one foot on the verge of going over. Porno Lad was fortunate enough to collide with the ropes, wrapping himself around them and staying planted to the canvas.

Johnny finally puts both feet on the canvas just in time to almost be ripped in two by a spear. Zero hits him straight in the ribs with such force that the Team Leader is nearly sent flipping completely over. He hits the ring across the back of his neck and shoulders, then drops to his side.

Mayne: SPEAR!

Katie: Yes, please, give me one, I’d like to go big game hunting Aborigine style, maybe catch me a few wilder-beasts, AKA a Sasha Drachewych.

Mayne: I love you.

Steward: That makes you no different than everyone on this planet.

Now Kingdom is on the verge of coughing up blood as he’s forced over to his back and promptly covered by the masked man. His legs are hooked, Zero moments from achieving his long time goal. This time it’s the Referee who stands between a combatant and the title. He cuts his arms through the air, vowing to have nothing to do with this. Wright REFUSES to take part in such a travesty, emphasizing that Porno Lad drew the disqualification by hitting Kingdom with the ring bell.

Billy: You’re a moron Zero, the match ended, Porno Lad rang the bell, you can’t win the title anymore you big goof.

Mayne swallows his tongue the moment Zero grabs his mask, rips it from his face and reveals his true identity. The whole arena takes a collective gasp at the sight of a sweaty Christian Savior’s face.

Mayne: OH-MY-GODDESS.

Steward: Hmmmm, I should have seen this coming. I see EVERYTHING coming, including the urine dripping out of your pants.

Billy: Christian Savior is……Zero?

The mask is tossed to the feet of the Rising Phoenix, who only shows his face at this point because he has the authority to FORCE Wright to make the count.

Christian: You either count to three or you find another way to support your kids. Count or be fired!

The fans are unapologetic when it comes to their opinion of this fiasco. Their rage reaches it’s boiling point when Christian drops back onto Kingdom and Wright slowly falls to the canvas.

Mayne: That’s right Wright, you do your job and you shut your mouth.

Steward: You should learn from his example.

Although it betrays his every principle Wright raises his hand and slaps the canvas. Porno Lad drops kneels down a few inches away, ring bell and hammer in hand.

Mayne: PARTY!

The fans are so irate that their literally ripping their tickets into shreds. Shreds that are pitched towards the ring where a NEW World Heavyweight Champion has been crowned.

Katie: This may be the most glorious night in all of IWC history. For starters, I’M on commentary, and secondly, CHRISTIAN has just won the World Title.

Billy: You forgot to mention me.

Steward: No, no I didn’t.

Mayne: Awww, I’d be disappointed if I weren’t so elated. A new Champion, Katie, a NEW CHAMPION! Christian Savior has done it again, he’s cost Johnny Kingdom the title.

Savior stands up and lifts the Championship as high above his head as his arms will stretch. In spite of the tension between the two as of late Porno Lad is right there, congratulating Savior on his victory. Clearly the two had formulated this brilliant plan long in advance and the payoff has culminated to a championship win for the Rising Phoenix.

Mayne: Feel this moment, Katie, feel it like my hand on your thigh.

Steward: Haven’t I already stabbed you for that like fifteen times? Don’t you know that you need written authorization, and two physicals before you can touch me?

Billy: I got written authorization.

Steward: That’s written on a cocktail napkin.

With one hand Savior supports the belt, grinning as wide as a man who just achieved his lifelong dream. The Championship lowers to his shoulder, now truly embracing it and all it represents. Surprisingly Porno Lad is content to stand back and let Christian have his spotlight, giving him a round of applause followed by some Scott Hall inspired finger points.

Mayne: I must be dreaming. It’s been way, way too long since we’ve seen Christian Savior holding that World Heavyweight Title. It’s such a beautiful sight.

Katie: No, beautiful would be my hair, this would be considered lovely.

Billy: Savior had EVERYONE fooled. I don’t know how long the Five Star Society has been hatching this plan, but Savior and Porno Lad truly are a group of Five Star Philosoph…..

In the midst of celebration, as Porno Lad and Christian muse over their plot and their gross violations of every law and edict in the IWC, the lights in the building cut out completely.

Mayne: Uhhhhhh, this is the part I really hate.

Katie: Why must this happen on every single show? The random “power outage” thing is so overdone in this company.

Billy: I should have remembered to bring my nightlight.

The darkness persists for several seconds before light finally begins to seep from the Cartel-tron. Upon the massive screen flashes a series of letters, “Ragnarok, Ragnarok, Ragnarok, Ragnarok.”

Mayne: What is this tomfoolery?

Steward: Seriously, someone just SHOOT the person in charge of lighting. This is getting ridiculous.

Porno Lad and Christian can be seen twisting back and forth in the ring, as if they were anticipating someone’s arrival. The two look almost panicked at the mere thought of what awaits them, especially after they pulled off yet another, classic swerve. The repetitious lettering proceeds for several seconds before the chilling voice of ZERO can be heard in the background.

Zero: There is only ONE, Zero. And his time is NOOWWWWWW.

Flames shoot upward from the stage and turnbuckles, causing Christian heart to leap and smack into his brain. Porno Lad looks a bit calmer, trying his best to keep a level head. He turns, desperately looking around for Zero but doesn’t spot him until it’s too late.

From the apron the AUTHENTIC Zero leaps to the top rope, takes flight and hits Porno Lad with a big lariat to the back of his head. The Original Prankster collapses to the canvas then rolls across it, eventually spilling under the ropes. All the while Savior spins around with the World Title, looking panicked, finding himself alone with the man he just mimicked in order to win the World Title.

Mayne: What the hell is this? WHAT IS THIS!?!

Katie: My guess would be some type of soap opera.

Billy: You mean Christian wasn’t the REAL Zero either? How many fucking Zeroes are there here in the IWC?

Katie: Wait, it all makes sense now. Christian STOLE that Zero costume off of that nobody earlier so he could impersonate Zero in this World Title match.

Mayne: Why didn’t Zero come out for his match then? Why did he let an imposter take his place?

Steward: He rambles on and on about honor and all that brouhaha, he probably didn’t want to face an injured Kingdom for the title.

The fans are screaming so loud their lungs are about to implode like balloons, everyone is fired up at the sight of Zero standing mono a mono with Christian, the very man he’s targeted for so very long. The only object that gets Zero’s attention off of Savior, is the World Heavyweight Title draped over his forearm. Zero’s chilling gaze turns to the belt and settles on it for several awkward seconds.

This gives Christian enough time to build up the nerve to rush at Zero, and swing the belt into the face of the man who desires it most. Zero avoids falling prey to this attack, ducking his head at the last second. Savior then rushes into the ropes behind his adversary, ricochets from them and comes running back into a STO takedown. Christian is slammed into the canvas via the very move that Zero has defeated so many opponents with.

Mayne: Tell me this is a nightmare Katie, a nightmare I’ll wake up from soon.

Zero stands up and takes the World Title belt out of Christian’s hand, draping it across his forearm. He examines his masked reflection in the surface of the belt before looking up for an official. Wisely Wright has gotten out of the ring and headed for the hills, covering his own ass.

Billy: Thank Goddess, there’s no one here to officiate should Zero still cash in his World Title opportunity.

Steward: Your welcome.

Zero turns to find out where Porno Lad is only to be drilled to the jaw with the Epic Fail. Unfortunately Zero wasn’t quick enough to respond, his teeth almost shattered by the boot of the number one contender. Porno Lad stumbles after connecting with the blow that may very well have put an end to Zero’s uprising.

Steward: That was that. Porno Lad just ended it, for a second time tonight.

Mayne: Everything about him is just so awesome.

Porno Lad leans on the ropes for support just as he’s beheaded by a lariat. Out of nowhere Johnny Kingdom has re-emerged, charging in, driving his bicep to the Prankster’s throat and sending him flipping right over the cables.

Katie: What!?! Isn’t Kingdom dead yet?

Billy: Why wasn’t he buried in a shallow unmarked grave when we had the chance!?!

Johnny leans on the ropes that he just sent the Original Prankster flipping over. Porno Lad is now stretched across the outside mats, gasping for air. Above him, still in the ring, Johnny keeps all his pressure on the ropes, unfortunately exposing his back to the always calculating Christian.

The new World Heavyweight Champion gets to a knee behind the man he just STOLE the championship from. He’s getting himself energetic, waiting for just the right point to strike. Finally Kingdom turns around just as Christian barrels across the ring and dives forward for ANOTHER spear.

The fans have difficulty watching, not wanting to see their hero further brutalized. They should have kept their eyes open though, because many of them miss Johnny side stepping Christian, grabbing his head and pushing him along face first into the exposed turnbuckle bolt. Savior bounces off of the steel and the fans literally come unglued.

Mayne: Nooo, that couldn’t have worked out any worse for Christian.

Katie: Sure it could of, he could of plowed right into Susie Moore’s skanky vagina.

Savior looks absolutely lost as he staggers away from the bolt that he exposed earlier in this match. Like a zombie from a George A. Romero film Christian aimlessly shuffles before turning towards Zero, who sweeps the outer leg and hits a SECOND STO. Kingdom falls to the canvas and rolls under the ropes, dropping down beside Porno Lad as the two exchange fisticuffs. Meanwhile in the ring Zero has Christian down and is now hooking his leg.

Billy: I’m gonna lose my mind, Goddess, I can’t handle this.

Steward: If you feel like you need to throw up, try doing it into Stacy Kissinger’s mouth. Just be thankful that there are no referees stupid enough to come out here and piss off the Five Star Society.

Mayne: Oh yeah, there’s no way anybody on the officiating staff would be THAT stupid....SON OF A…!

Billy’s outburst is in reference to the figure now sliding into the ring, Alex Ingelson!

Billy: How did Ingelson get here? I thought Zero still had him tied up in a broom closet somewhere.

Steward: Who cares how he got free, the good thing is that he’s here now and that he’s going to help Christian out of another bind.

Ingelson surveys the situation, looking as if he’s on the verge of using his influence as head referee to end this chaos. Instead Alex only adds to the controversy as he drops to the ring and slaps the canvas.

Mayne: What is he….no, no, stop that, STOP THAT!

The fans are almost too stunned to even realize what is happening as Ingelson commits the ultimate betrayal against Savior.

The building is shaking due to the reaction from all those lucky fans crammed within it. Zero sits up, feeling their energy course through his veins, but he does not respond.

Billy: I think my brain just exploded!

Steward: I don’t even know how I can begin to……Zero pinned Christian to become the World Champion.

Mayne: First we had the greatest sight in IWC history, and then it’s followed by the absolute worse. I can’t even form words to describe…..I’m speechless.

Zero rises to his feet as Ingelson hands him the World Heavyweight Title, bowing in the process of giving it to the masked superstar. He allows the title to sit over his forearms, staring down into it, captivated by the image.

Steward: This is worse than having teeth pulled.

The fans are on their feet chanting Zero’s name as he slowly falls to his knees in the center of the ring. The title sparkles and glistens, having changed hands for a second time here tonight. Now it rests in the possession of the enigmatic competitor, who finds himself tantalized.

Christian slowly rolls from the ring and drops to the mats, clasping his hair tightly. He has no idea how it happened, how he went from World Champion to former World Champion within seconds. He can’t even bring himself to look into the ring where Zero is still kneeling, Championship in his grasp. As Porno Lad and Kingdom brawl around the ramp to the backstage area, they don’t get to see what happens next. They don’t even notice the beautiful vixen making her way past them, strutting down the ramp. It’s the gorgeous Kassie Khane, a world famous manager with long ties to SCW and short stints here in the IWC.

Mayne: I don’t even feel like speculating as to why Kassie Khane is here. Although I will still comment that she has nice legs.

Steward: She shouldn’t be here, nobody should, none of this should even be happening, in fact, it didn’t, I decree that this whole incident DIDN’T HAPPEN.

Into the ring Kassie slips, now stepping around behind the knelt Zero and slipping her fingers under his mask.

Billy: Whoa, hold it, what’s she doing?

Suddenly the titantron lights up once again with the following word, “Ragnarok.” These letters once again flash for several seconds before they begin to line up vertically across the screen. Before long the letters yield into a collection of names.

aRcadeia
fAust
oGrady
jasoN wheeler
the phAntom
zeRo
vampire lOrd
Kevin mask

To bring more clarity to the meaning of these words the capitalized letters resemble once again to fork the name “JASON ZERO.”

Inside of the ring the mask is stripped away from Zero’s face, showing the world his true skin, the skin of Jason Wheeler.

Billy: I just vomited.

Katie Steward: Jason Wheeler, seriously? Is this the REAL Zero now? There’s not gonna be another one right?

The fans are going absolutely bonkers at the sight of Jason Wheeler, a man once released from the IWC, now kneeling in the ring as the company’s World Heavyweight Champion. After being re-christened as Jason Zero, he came here tonight with a plan that awarded him the coveted title. Now in his hands is the most prized possession in all of wrestling. After years of fighting tooth and nail Jason has won the belt he sought since the moment he debuted in the company.

The crowd gives Jason the standing ovation that he deserves. Kassie stands back and leads the audience in their applause as Zero remains crouched before them, coveting a belt he never thought he would own. After all the plotting, after all the madness, now Jason Zero can finally call himself the IWC World Heavyweight Champion.

EWWWW, FOXY LADY

Arcane: I’m great, I’m so great, God DAMN I’m great…

Fox polishes the belt over his shoulder before planting a big wet one on it. The swaggering X-Class Champion proceeds down the corridor, presumably headed to his lockeroom. He would have reached it earlier if it had not been for the many mirrors on the way that he HAD to stop and look into. There was NO WAY he could pass up the glorious reflection staring back at him.

Arcane: The soon to be 2010 Superstar of the Year is HERE!

Even though there’s nobody around to hear Arcane brag, the fact that he can hear himself is good enough. His bragging and swagger only ends when faced with an image that causes him to physically double take.

Fox: Ewwwww…..barracuda.

The camera shifts to bring out the very seductive, curvaceous beauty fondling the doorframe of Fox’s lockeroom. Her tight fitting dress and enchanting gaze are enough to make any man’s heart skip a beat. Arcane is not immune to her beauty, in fact, like a gnat, he’s drawn to her glow.

Arcane: Oh how I love groupies. Come to worship at the feet of your idol have we?

Instead of making small talk the vivacious vixen shows how forward she really is, placing a finger on his chest and slowly working it down his pecs.

Medea: Fox Arcane, I’ve heard a lot about you.

Fox: Well then, you haven’t heard nearly enough.

The smitten Medea blushes.

Arcane: What might your name be foxy lady?

Medea: Medea.

Arcane pauses and blinks awkwardly.

Arcane: What, no last name? Are you like Cher or something? I really hate her singing….

That same finger that was getting busy with Fox’s body now moves to his lips.

Medea: We don’t need last names Fox.

Arcane: True. I mean I don’t even know the names of half the woman I bring to sheer ecstasy.

Medea: Am I going to be so lucky?

Fox: I really, really, love groupies.

Medea takes Fox by the shoulder and begins pulling him in the direction of his lockeroom. She reaches back, twists the knob and forces it open, Arcane following with a huge smirk on his face. Once the lights are flicked on though, things go from AMAZING to horrendous.

Fox: Whaaaaaaat?

The bashed in locker, the tattered silk shirts, the broken trophies, everything is illuminated within the destroyed remnants of Fox Arcane’s lockeroom. He looks upon his belongings with horror, eyes open wide, jaw agape.

Arcane: How….who did this?

His eyes cut to Medea, who shrugs, completely unaware of the culprit. In a fit Arcane kicks one of the broken trophies he stole last week.

Fox: DAMMIT, this is a total cockblock!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Funnier Every Time You See It

TROUBLE IN PARADISE

Things are once again spiraling into sheer disarray backstage. Although their words cannot be heard it’s obvious that Porno Lad and Christian Savior are in the midst of a heated argument. Christian is throwing the Zero costume he pilfered from TNG all around his dressing room. His face is blood red, veins protruding through the flesh. Clearly Christian is on the brink of exploding over what happened at the end of the last match. It doesn’t help his mental state having Porno Lad shouting at him.

Porno Lad: You fucked it all up!

Christian: I thought you had our guys watching the entry way! Zero was never supposed to reach the ring!

Porno Lad: I did my job, not my fault you didn’t do yours. You ruined our whole plan.

The two continue to bicker back and forth while the voice over of Billy Mayne and Katie Steward takes place in the background.

Billy: Uh-oh, this does not look good.

Steward: It’s just a friendly debate is all. They’ll hug and get over it.

Billy: They had better, they’ve got one of the biggest matches of their careers in just a few moments. Pull it together guys, pull it together!

The argument only escalates between the Original Prankster and the Rising Phoenix as the show cuts back to the ring.

ACE MARSHALL VS. JON RICH

“My Bridges Burn” provides the soundtrack for Ace Marshall’s arrival. It doesn’t take long for Ace to follow the playing of his music. He steps through the curtains, stops on the stage and lets his new manager catch up. Calvan Greene arrives to a surprisingly loud pop from the crowd. The two men embark towards the ring, Ace careful to avoid being touched by the fans while Calvan hands out his business card to anyone with a pair of tits.

Katie: Ahhh, what a refreshing sight….talent.

Billy: Yes, I don’t see that nearly often enough.

Katie: Then stop looking in a mirror. If you want to see greatness, look no further than THE Ace, Ace Marshall. Te-he, I’m very proud of myself for that one.

Mayne: As if you didn’t have enough to be proud of, given that smoking hot pooper.

Katie: I’d argue with you, but I can’t. Anyway, it’s Ace, comment on Ace, and then comment on me again.

Billy: Ace has gone UNDEFEATED since his debut here in the IWC, winning TWO blockbuster tag matches since he arrived, and now he’s got a little added insurance in the form of Calvan Greene to even further tip the odds in his favor.

Steward: As if he needed any assistance. But looking at Calvan is never a bad thing, so again, I won’t argue.

Once in the ring Ace begins limbering up, Calvan shouting instructions to him from the outside of the ring. He then turns towards the barrier, eyes drawn to a female fan with rather large endowments. Even though she looks to be a tad shy of a metric ton, Calvan doesn’t shy away from spitting some game.

You can't
deny-e-y-e-y
I'm unbreakable!
Unstoppable!
I'm invincible!
Come on bring it to me
Cuz I'm always gonna be
Unbreakable!

The unmistakable voice of Jon Bon Jovi is heard singing the chorus to Unbreakable before the pyros explode. The song plays again as Rich is seen energetically coming from the backstage area. He is clad in tights half red and half black. His boots match the color of the tights with an “R” in the opposite color. His vest is white with “The Real Deal” in red on the back.

The former N.H.B. Champion screams for the people that are cheering him. He begins to jog down the isle while slapping the hands of the fans that cheer him on.

Rich rolls into the ring and runs to a corner, jumping on the middle turnbuckle to perform to the fans.

Billy: Jon Rich, what more do I need to say?

Katie: Nothing really.

Mayne: Your looking at a man who….

Katie: Of course I’m looking at a man, Ace Marshall, I don’t know what the hell that other thing is.

Mayne: You took the words right out of my mouth. Now if only you’d go a step further and take my penis right out of my pants.

Steward: Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

Billy: Fine, then I’ll just sit here and practice transference by degrading Jon Rich.

Katie: Sounds fun.

The bell chimes and we are underway with the Real Deal Jon Rich colliding with the crafty Ace Marshall. Almost immediately Calvan leaps to the apron and briefly distracts Jon by throwing a pear of sunglasses into his shoulder. Jon spins around, grabs the glasses and throws them back at Calvan, who quickly drops to the outside for his own protection. That’s when Ace rushes up behind Jon, catches him by the armpits and drags him down into a backslide.

Rich gets his shoulder up before Ace could catch him with the pin. Marshall and Rich reach their feet simultaneously and begin to exchange strikes. On this occasion it’s Jon who gets the better of Ace, bludgeoning him right hand after right hand, knocking Ace backwards across the ring. He flails his arms desperately trying to stay upright as he falls into the ropes, is taken by the wrist and shot off across the ring.

Marshall turns and provides a dazzling counter however. He spins around to face Rich, lifts his elbow, drives it into the wrist of his opponent, breaking the clasp Jon had on him and then delivers a double palm strike to both of his ears.

Katie: Awe inspiring.

Mayne: Just like when I bend over in a pear of Daisy Dukes to pick up a pencil.

Katie: If you only knew the nightmares that image is going to give me.

Billy: Nightmares? More like wet dreams.

In the midst of cheering on his partner Calvan glances in the direction of the sultry vixen planted at ringside. Kailey Worf, the ring announcer is unaware that Greene has locked his sights on her like he was a stalking lion and she were a wounded gazelle. She obliviously watches the action as Calvan STRUTS in her direction.

Meanwhile in the center of the ring Ace has delivered a kick to the dazed Rich’s ribs, doubling him over. Marshall now takes him around the neck, flips him over into a snapmare and plants him across his back. He now leaps into the air before ultimately stomping down on Jon’s handsome features.

After delivering the face stomp Marshall steps to the ropes and breaks out a Hogan inspired cupping of the ear. Once he hears the boos from the crowd he blows them off and turns back towards Rich who is in the midst of struggling to his feet.

Ace is almost insulted by the fact that Jon is getting up, motivating him to charge in to deliver a knock out shot. However, Jon drops to his stomach, forcing Ace to leap over him and continue onward into the far cables. He ricochets from them and comes back at Rich who leaps to his feet then into the air, going for a forearm smash. Luckily Ace has timed him perfectly, dropping into a baseball slide and going right through Rich’s legs.

He stands up and wedges his hands to Jon’s back, shoving him off and forward into the ropes. The moment that Jon is about to hit the ropes he leaps into the air, lands on the second and back flips. Ace avoids his moonsault by running under his airborne body into the cables. Jon just lands on his feet when Marshall bounces from the ropes and comes charging in only to be drilled right under the jaw with a stiff dropkick. Ace tumbles to the canvas and Jon lands on his knees, looking all fired up.

Katie: No, not Ace’s FACE!

Billy: I would imagine you’d be just as upset if something happened to my face.

Katie: More like I’d be upset that something didn’t.

Billy: Ouch, my pride.

Ace swipes palms over face as he vacates the ring, trying to create some space between himself and his highly motivated opponent. Rich isn’t about to let Ace clear his head, rolling out of the ring, stepping up behind him and grabbing his shoulder. He spins Marshall around and then boots him to the ribs before taking him around the neck. Before Ace can respond he’s being snapped over into the vertical suplex, his spine hitting the thin protective mats with tremendous force.

Katie: This just keeps getting worse.

Mayne: Like a really bad case of herpes.

The traumatized Marshall tries to get up, utilizing the ropes to do so before Jon snatches him by the hair and rolls him into the ring. Ace ends up sprawled across the canvas in the center of the squared circle fighting to reach his feet. All the while Rich climbs to the apron and gets in the prime position, knees bent, about to leap to the top rope. He watches intently as Marshall struggles towards his feet. Ace has to fight with all he’s worth to stand before eventually getting his legs beneath him. That’s when Jon leaps to the top rope and is on the verge of taking flight only to have Ace fall right back to the ring, rolling under the far cables to the outside.

A frustrated Rich drops off of the top rope and lands on his feet across the canvas. He argues with the ref while stepping forward, demanding that the official get Ace BACK in the ring. There is nothing that Wright can do other than commence with a ten count, threatening to disqualify Mr. Marshall.

Steward: The audacity of this referee to count out a member of the Five Star Society. WE decide where the match legally takes place, rather it be in the ring or outside of it.

Billy: Or on my heart shaped mattress.

Ace shouts at Calvan to lend some assistance but Greene is far too preoccupied by the lovely Kailey seated across his lap. Kailey is obviously buying what Calvan is selling. Ace isn’t quite as enamored with his partner, dismissively waving him off and then climbing up onto the apron. Jon immediately starts towards him, prompting Ace to jump back from the apron to the outside of the ring.

Marshall raises his hands and backs away, not caring one little bit about the official’s count or continuing this match against Rich. Jon tries to force himself around the official in order to get his hands on his opponent, but Wright continues to hold him at bay while proceeding with his ten count.

Katie: Rich should be grateful that Ace would even spend more than a minute in the ring with him tonight.

Mayne: I’ve been trying desperately to get a moment of Ace’s time, just so I can lavish him with praise.

Steward: He has enough people doing that already, so get in line.

Ace continues around the ring, fists to his hips and head shaking. That same condescending grin resides on his face as he moseys towards the ramp. That’s when Jon finally forces the official aside and rolls under the ropes to the outside of the ring. He steps up behind Marshall, grabs him by the shoulder and spins him around into another kick to the gut.

Jon now places him in a front chancery, going for a second vertical suplex on the mats. That’s when Ace wraps his arms around Rich’s waist and forces him backwards, spine first right into the apron. Jon’s spinal column is almost fractured on impact, his body contorting around the hard, steel enforced portion of the ring. Shortly after compressing Rich’s back against the ring Ace stands up, spits into his palm and gives Jon a good ole’ fashion bitch slap.

Mayne: You only see moves like that from Ace Marshall. That’s authentic Ace.

The strike sends Jon into a full spin before eventually rolling into the ring. Now he’s the one trying to create some space between himself and Marshall. Ace follows hot on his heels, stepping towards Rich, grabbing him by the face and digging his finger nails into his eyes sockets. He rakes the eyes violently, causing Jon to fall to all fours, his palms pressed to the canvas.

Ace quickly stomps down on the back of Rich’s knuckles, causing him to rise to his knees grimacing in pain.

Billy: Ace is just all over Jon Rich.

Steward: Just like the paparazzi are all over me. You know, I saw their cameras flashing outside my bathroom window last night.

Mayne: Erm yes, that was the Paparazzi, the Paparazzi.

Ace steps behind the kneeling Rich, grabs the arm, folds it over across the back of his neck and applies a modified top wrist lock. In the process he knees Jon between the shoulder blades repeatedly, unsatisfied with the straight up submission.

The arrogant blows only motivate Rich, compelling him to slowly begin reaching his feet. Ace keeps applying pressure, putting more and more torque on the arm. He bends it at such an awkward angle one would expect to hear the sound of muscle and bones snapping. Finally in a last ditch effort Jon wedges his feet to the canvas, forces himself up with Ace still located behind him and then drops to his knees.

Marshall is flipped over Jon’s back and sent rolling forward across the canvas.

Mayne: NO…..YES!

Ace twists out of the roll onto his knees and then scrambles towards Rich, taking him around the neck, trapping in a front chancery submission hold. Once again he employs some strikes to inflict even more damage, but mainly because they look cool. His knees are driven into the top of Jon’s skull repeatedly, almost causing a fracture to form.

Calvan gives him a thumbs up before running that very same thumb over the knee of the seductive Kailey Worf. Ace needs no further inspiration to beat down his opponent, or so he thinks.

Jon is already forcing his way towards his feet, trying to get them both beneath his weary frame. Ace throws another knee up into his skull to shut him down only to be caught in Rich’s clutches. The crafty Rich has wrapped his arm around the crease in Marshall’s knee, tucking on it and trying to get his adversary to trip over backwards.

Ace thinks quickly, leaping into the air and utilizing his free knee to drive it directly into Jon’s nose. The stiff strike sends Rich staggering backwards but somehow remaining on his feet. Ace balances himself and then charges at Rich, barreling straight into a discus lariat that almost beheads him.

Mayne: Ace’s head almost cleaved from his shoulders.

Katie: I call dibs on it. I already have a place picked out over my fireplace.

Ace hits the canvas but rolls across it, reaching his feet in a hurry. He stands up and walks right into a knife edge chop, forearm combination, putting him on his back a second time.

Katie: How is he going to beat you if you keep knocking him down?

Billy: I agree, this is totally unfair.

Ace reaches his feet and walks into a left hand, followed by another, and then a right, Jon’s fists coming at him from both sides. Marshall doesn’t know what’s what, being hit from every direction. Rich now steps back and goes for a roaring punch only to have Ace duck it. He steps around behind Jon, grabs him by the shoulders and leaps into the air, landing on top of him for the inverted hurricarana. However, Rich grabs him by the ankles, yanks down on them and sends Ace flying over his head and slamming face first into the canvas.

Jon now shoots his arms out to his sides, symbolizing the impending Get Rich Quick.

Mayne: Why isn’t Calvan help….oh yeah, I forgot, nookie.

Ace’s face bounces hard from the canvas, popping up to his knees and putting him in perfect position for Rich to seize the advantage. He steps up behind Marshall and grabs him by the arms, trying to wrap them around his neck in order to establish the cobra clutch and deliver his dangerous variation of the neckbreaker. That’s when his plans are derailed by an unlikely delivery. All eyes in the building, Rich’s included, shift towards an excessively huge birthday cake being wheeled down the ramp.

Billy: HEY! Someone remembered my birthday! Granted it was like three months ago, but better late than never, right?

Katie: You have a birthday? I’m surprised a woman ever had you between her legs.

The confusion mounts in the building as the stagehands continue to pull the cake towards the ring. Thankfully the fake looking pastry is mounted on wheels, easing in this transition from the back to the squared circle. It pauses at ringside, the stagehands taking off and leaving the oversized cake behind.

Mayne: Well, isn’t anyone going to sing Happy Birthday?

Jon foolishly lets go of Ace, who drops to the canvas and then quickly rolls across it to the outside of the ring. His focus is entirely on the cake at ringside, which now begins to shimmy and shake. A muffled voice can be heard over the PA system.

Happy birthday…..Mr. Pressssiiideeent…..happy birthday…..tooooo yoooouuuu!

From the top of the cake explodes Katelyn Buehler, nipple tassels and all. The crowd collectively groans, sympathizing with Rich who has thrown his arms up into the air.

Billy: WOW! What a birthday present.

Katie: I doubt Katelyn is out here for you, considering she’s not on any heavy narcotics, at least none that I know of.

Katelyn is wearing a rather revealing bikini with optional nipple tassels included. The bright, glistening tassels spin around her chest as she seductively shimmies her body to the delight of a few males in the audience. Jon is not one of these males.

Mayne: I’d stand up to thank Katelyn personally, but I kind of can’t right now….

Now Katelyn is in the process of blowing a kiss in Jon’s direction, an act that makes him sick to his stomach. He buries his eyes behind the palm of his hand as Katelyn climbs out of the cake and then moves as quickly as she can towards the ring.

The distraction allows Ace to slip behind Rich, take him around the waist and drop into a backwards roll. It ends up with Jon pressed on the back of his shoulders with Ace seated across the back of his thighs, holding onto the waist of his tights for further leverage.

No! Ace almost had him but Jon kicked out a fraction of a second before the three. As a result Marshall is launched forward into the ropes, twisting and ricocheting off of them. He then comes back in at Rich who sits up and catches Marshall coming in, pulling him down into a small package.

Ace kicks out now, the crowd screaming over how close that last pinfall attempt was. Both combatants now rush to their feet when Jon steps forward, cocking back his fist and launching it directly into Ace’s face. Marshall sidesteps the blow, hooks the crease of Jon’s elbow and then delivers a leaping face buster. Jon is dragged down face first into the canvas, his skull bouncing from the ring and his body flopping over to his back.

Billy: Excellent, Ace has got the advantage, now all he needs to do is pin Rich and then give me an autographed 8 by 10 gloss of himself wearing a speedo.

Steward: Hmmmm, okay, that was only the queerest statement I’ve ever heard.

With Jon on his back Ace is on his way to the ropes. He slips through them to the apron and then takes the top rope before springing onto it. The crowd erupts with a wave of elation as Ace takes flight, extends his elbow and plants it directly into the canvas. A surge of pain courses through Ace’s arm, Marshall sitting up on the canvas after missing the springboard elbow, Rich having rolled out of the way at the last second.

Mayne: Nooooooooooooo.

Jon stumbles in behind Ace, takes him around the neck, bridges him to his feet and then delivers the Get Rich Quick. The back of Ace’s head cracks off of Jon’s shoulder and his body hits the canvas, now lying motionless. Katelyn watches on with mixed emotions as Rich forces Marshall over to his back and then hooks both of his legs for the three count.

To the sheer delight of the audience Jon Rich is yet again victorious. He rolls to his knees and lifts his arms towards the heavens in celebration of his miraculous win over Ace. At the sight of this Calvan has stood up, Kailey falling off his lap to the mats and begins screaming at the official.

Mayne: This may be the saddest day of my life.

Katie: This is a bigger disaster than the one in Haiti…

Billy: *Gasp*

Steward: Too soon?

Jon reaches his feet to celebrate his victory but almost falls over several times in the process. Calvan drags Ace out of the ring and now acts as a crutch for his partner. Marshall is holding the back of his head, looking around in great confusion, wondering what the hell just happened.

ALL FOR YOU

An incredibly flabbergasted Rich stands back watching Katelyn slip through the ropes into the ring, microphone clutched in her hand. She stands up and winks seductively in his direction, activating Rich’s gag reflex.

Billy: I’m having a really hard time controlling myself here, Katie. There’s a half naked Katelyn in the ring.

Katie: You act like that’s a surprising sight.

Mayne: I’m gonna lose it.

The scintillating Katelyn takes a few bold steps in a disgusting Rich’s direction. She talks in a very pouty, over the top manner, fully intent on seducing her quote un quote “boyfriend.”

Katelyn: That’s right Mr. Real Deal Sex Appeal, all of this…..

She runs her hand up and down her body, over every curve.

Katelyn: Is yours…..

A finger is extended towards the fatigued competitor. Again Jon throws his hands up in an exasperated gesture.

Katelyn: You’ll be real proud of me lover, not only did I put this super sexy strip tease together, but on your advise I haven’t eaten in a week, so now I’m not fat and disgusting. Just think about it Jon, your about to have this slim, sultry body all over you. Your gonna melt in my funbags Mister.

She bends forward and shimmies to show off her jiggling chest. Now all Rich can do is slap his palm to his face, slowly dragging his fingers down his sweaty features.

Katelyn: But remember, tonight, all you can do is look, not touch, cause I’m about to get you hot, no, STEAMING, with a lap dance.

To emphasize her point she turns her back to Jon, bends over, runs her hands up her leg and eventually ends up slapping her own ass.

Billy: I lost it.

Katie: Oooooh gross. I’m wearing my good shoes.

The tantalizing Katelyn begins to strut towards Rich, throwing her arms over his shoulders and interlocking her hands behind the back of his head. Her pouty, full lips are mere inches from the face of her prey.

Katelyn: So Jon, Johnny….Johnny Jon Jon Jon…..I got one question for you. Do you think you can handle all this woman? No, no, better yet, are you ready to have me rock your world?

Although she already knows the answer she puts the microphone up to Rich’s lips, waiting for a response. Jon quivers, not from his repressed sexual desires but out of anger. Finally, with as little tact as possible, he responds.

Jon: Katelyn…..your out of your fucking mind!

At first Katelyn is both shocked and offended by this statement but quickly forces a grin.

Katelyn: Ewww, I like to role-play. Keep putting me down Jon, it turns me on. You can pretend to be my pimp, and I’ll be your number one ho. No, daddy, I gets ya money, don’t hurt me.

She smiles and winks.

Katelyn: Is this getting the fluids pumpin?

Jon: I’m only going to say this one more time, ONE MORE TIME, and then I will not be held accountable for what I do to you…..

Katelyn waits on pins and needles, anticipating a highly sexual comment from her sugar daddy.

Rich: You are…..re….tard….ed! There is NOTHING between us. I want NOTHING to do with you. I want you to stay away from me, OR ELSE!

It’s clear that Rich has reached his absolute boiling point. He forces Katelyn away by shoving her back and then gives her an “up yours” gesture before vacating the ring. Katelyn stands back watching with wide eyes, unsure what to make of this whole situation. Jon’s response has paralyzed her, leaving her incapable of interpreting her thoughts. All she can do is watch Jon slip through the ropes, pass the cake at ringside and storm towards the curtains.

Buehler: Jon? JON!?! Did you just imply you wanted to put your fist in my coote…?

Before she can finish her statement her ankle is swept out from under her body. A startled Katelyn collapses to the canvas and begins to scream from the pain coursing through her ankle. Standing over Buehler is none other than Pat Evans, who got the drop on the seductress via slipping through the crowd.

Mayne: Watcha!?! Where did Evans come from? Why is he living my fantasy by putting his hands on Katelyn? Save her Rich, save your bang buddy.

Katie: I think Katelyn is too much woman for Jon, but apparently she’s not enough for Evans, or King Greasy, as I’ve hereby dubbed him.

Jon hears the sudden shift in the crowd’s ovation, enticing him to turn around and glare into the ring where Evans is twisting and ripping at Katelyn’s ankle. Pat looks up and spots Jon watching, provoking the technical tyrant to wink in his direction. Clearly Jon has no idea what to make of this before Evans shouts an explanation.

Pat: This is the only way she’ll ever get it through her thick skull, Jon. You know how to repay me.

Katelyn continues to squeal and tap out as Evans puts even more pressure on the hold. All Pat’s actions have done is put more pressure on Jon’s shoulders, bringing Rich to roll his eyes and storm through the curtains.

Billy: Somebody help Katelyn dammit.

From the backstage area comes salvation in the form of BFG. He charges around the stage, stepping out just off to the side of the ramp and barreling in to save his employer.

Mayne: I’ve never been so happy to see Fat Albert before.

PAT EVANS VS. KATELYN PARKWOOD & BFG

The metric ton of humanity known as BFG slides into the ring, immediately going after Evans. He throws a lariat at Pat who ducks the inbound blow. Once he slips around behind the big man Evans leaps into the air, grabs his arms and forcefully applies the Time to Go to Sleep.

Mayne: Nooo, somebody get that idiot off of BFG’s back! He’s choking him worse than those two bear-claws that BFG shoved simultaneously in his mouth yesterday did.

Katie: This is a travesty. Your Goddess weeps.

Evans is depriving all the air from BFG’s body, slowly bringing him to a knee. Now that Pat’s feet are actually touching the canvas he has better leverage in which to establish his submission. He emphasizes his hold to the point that he’s almost crushing BFG’s windpipe. Thankfully for the sake of BFG’s health a hobbling Katelyn interferes. She rakes Pat’s back with her finger nails.

Billy: There you go, use what God gave you.

Steward: I think she does enough of that already.

The back rake is enough to break the hold and cause Evans to bow his spine. He slowly turns towards Katelyn who cocks back her fist and swings it directly into his face. Pat ducks it, hooks the crease of her elbow, steps behind her back and sets up for the Spinal Tap. A screaming Katelyn is lifted into the air, twisted and driven spine first into the knee of the former Submission Champion.

Mayne: Good Goddess no!

The official who was in charge of the previous match re-enters the ring and calls for the bell, starting this contest. He then drops to the canvas beside Evans who is stretched over Katelyn for the pin.

BFG steps in and drops his elbow towards Pat but all his girth instead collides with Katelyn. The crowd squeals with delight while BFG sits up, eyes bulging from their sockets, mouth hung agape. He obviously can’t believe what he just did.

Billy: YOU IDIOT!

Steward: If it wasn’t for BFG’s time traveling abilities we would not keep him around.

A stunned BFG rises to his feet as Evans leaps over the body of Katelyn and drives his forearm directly into the face of his hired bodyguard. The big man is almost taken down, his arms flailing as he stumbles into the ropes, falling against them. Somehow the ropes are able to support his immense weight even as he’s subjected to a series of chest caving knife edge chops.

Mayne: Why does BFG continue to earn a paycheck, he’s utterly useless!

Katie: Funny, I’ve been saying the same thing about you.

Mayne: Oh come on, at the very least you know that I have sex appeal, that’s more than enough reason to keep paying me.

With each chop BFG slides further and further down the ropes until he is eventually seated on the canvas. Evans then backs up and gets a running start to deliver a big knee directly to the face of his opponent. After doing the damage to BFG, Pat turns his attention back to Katelyn, who is utilizing the ropes to reach her feet. He rushes across the ring when Katelyn steps away from the ropes, digs her finger nails into his eyes and tears at them.

Steward: It’s good that I got her those press on nails. I bought it for her when I was purchasing her a new pear of….or, more accurately….her first pear of underpants.

Billy: Why would you be buying her underpants? Please give the most sexy answer possible.

Katie: Because she didn’t even know what they were.

After having his eyes gouged Evans goes spiraling across the ring, stumbling back towards BFG who has made use of the cables to obtain a standing base. He now rushes right at Pat who ducks just in time to avoid his attempted lariat. As a result BFG’s arm soars over his head and connects right against Katelyn’s face, knocking her to the ring. A loud reaction is heard from the crowd as BFG cups his mouth, stunned that he YET AGAIN hit his employer with a move intended for Evans. He quickly spins around and walks right into a thrust kick under the jaw that sends him stumbling into a turnbuckle.

Mayne: This match should be restarted, I call a mulligan.

Pat is clearly dominating this confrontation as he steps towards Katelyn, grabs her hair and forces her head under his seat. The fans cannot help but to cheer as Pat prepares for the devastating From the Outside In. He begins to lift Katelyn into the air for the crucifix powerbomb when……

"You know who I AM, where I've BEEN, where I'm GOING, how I'll GET there...and all that's left is to tell you's that I'm finally HERE!" P>

Pat’s eyes whip around to the entry way, steam on the verge of shooting out of his every orifice.

Katie: Oh no, we’re gonna have to see this pony tailed 1980’s reject again? He better not be wearing a Hawaiian shirt and have blue jeans rolled up to his knees.

Mayne: Is this a technical glitch, why is Axl’s entrance music playing?

The PA system continues to provide the lyrics of Axl’s entrance tunes despite the fact that he has yet to appear on the stage. Pat throws Katelyn aside and with his pulse racing he steps towards the ropes, glaring at the entry way in a rage. His whole body trembles as he awaits the arrival of Evermore, anxious to get his hands on the now former N.H.B Champion.

Evans: COME ON!

He shakes the top rope impatiently, flustered over this interruption and the delay in Evermore’s entrance. There continues to be no sight of Axl, but BFG is one man who cannot be missed. He steps behind Pat, grabs him by the shoulder, spins him around and then heaves him up into the air. Before Evans knows what’s happening, he’s being planted into the canvas with a big powerslam. All of BFG’s girth comes down right on top of Evans, knocking the air out of his lungs and possibly fracturing a few bones in the process.

Mayne: I never thought I’d be saying these words, but thank you Axl Evermore.

Katie: You’ll probably need a bar of soap for your mouth after just saying that.

Billy: Yes, my tongue now needs to be sanitized.

The big brute rises to his feet and grabs Katelyn by the wrist, pulling her limp arm from the canvas and then dropping it over the sternum of a squished Evans. The referee drops into position, slapping the canvas.

The Manhattan Center trembles with boos as Katelyn and BFG have just picked up the victory, having caught Evans completely off guard.

Mayne: They did it, yes, yes, hahahaha, they win!

Steward: For the first time BFG’s weight actually proved to be an advantage.

Mayne: Yes, unlike Brian Knobs he actually knows how to use his fat out of shape body for the greater good, and not by rubbing his armpit in the faces of others, or kissing Hulk Hogan’s wrinkly ass.

Although Katelyn can’t even stand after being brutalized intentionally by Evans and unintentionally by her own partner, she is forced to her feet, arm raised in victory. She almost falls over before BFG catches her and sustains most of her weight.

Katie: The Five Star Society once again showing it’s dominance. Who can beat us? Short answer, NO ONE.

As Katelyn and BFG celebrate, Pat lies on the canvas, face hidden behind his palms. He can’t believe that he was tricked, that he allowed himself to be distracted long enough to be defeated.

GUARANTEED!

Laughter can be heard emitting from the production truck placed in the parking facility. Before long one of the doors flies open and out of it strides the chuckling Axl Evermore. In spite of his earlier loss Axl has a wide smile stretched across his face. His eyes may still be stinging, and his bandaged ribcage continues to be a source of anguish, but nothing can remove his grin. He peers back into the production truck, shouting to the tech guys crowded inside.

Axl: Thanks for all the help fellas…..

They respond accordingly.

Evermore: So much for Pat being immune to distractions, aye?

Further laughter can be heard as Axl starts down the steps and slams the door shut behind him. Once turned forward Evermore slaps his hands together and grins even wider.

Axl: Ahhhh, that raises me spirits.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

The Hilarity of Electrocutions

AWOL & ORLANDO CRUZE
VS.
THE FIVE STAR SOCIETY

Mayne: Welcome back to Riot! and before we get to our main event, my Goddess and I want to discuss the BLOCKBUSTER announcement made last week on Riot! concerning the IWC & SCW crossover pay-per-view, 2 For 1 Special.

Katie: A night that will only be celebrated due to both my wondrous skills in the ring and on commentary.

Mayne: This will mark the first night ever that SCW and IWC will hold an event in the very same building. I wonder what cross over matches we're gonna see.

Steward: I haven't been contacted about any yet, so don't hold your breathe.

Billy: The moment is here my liege, we’re scheduled to witness a tag team main event that should rock the panties off every member of the Buehler family.

Katie: What panties? Anyway, your right, as if the Five Star Society hasn’t already proven it’s dominance enough, tonight we’ll get another opportunity to further EMBARRASS everyone not in our clique.

Mayne: Hehehehe, a click I’M a member of.

Katie: Technically you’re the equivalent of the doorman.

Mayne: Works for me!

the camera is drawn back to the entry way where five horizontally positioned stars flash across the screen. With each flash pyrotechnics rock the entry way. Finally, when all five stars have been illuminated they break apart and the video cuts to an entrance montage. Beneath the Cartel-tron now stands Number One Contender Porno Lad, and Cartel Champion/2x former World Champion, Christian Savior. It seems that they have gotten over their issues with one another resulting from that horrid turn of events earlier tonight. They now start down the ramp with confident swaggers. After entering the ring the fans actually groan at the sight of the Cartel Champion and the Messiah of Entertainment standing shoulder to shoulder. Both men have experienced a wild and twisted night thus far, culminating to this sure to be epic, yet chaotic bout.

Billy: Despite all of the shenanigans with Zero, the Five Star Society has their heads on straight, and might I just add, that they have INCREDIBLY handsome heads.

Steward: Hmmmm, your quasi homosexual comments alarm me.

Billy: What? What? Blame it on my Boy Scout Troop Leader.

Although the two look a bit unsettled at the thought of teaming together after the events of tonight they put differences aside in favor of a common goal, the elimination of two of their biggest rivals.

YOU BETTA GO AWAY

A deafening roar emanates from the stands, EVERYONE on their feet and crying AWOL’s name. The cult hero storms the stage, Tag Title shimmering over his shoulder, reflected in a pear of lion-esque eyes. The primal Champion moves straight towards the ring, Porno Lad poking fun over the jiggly nature of his love handles. The adolescent teasing ends once Porno Lad realizes that AWOL hasn’t stopped at ringside and is barreling straight down upon them.

Mayne: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait….

AWOL slides into the ring and catches both of his opponents completely off guard by rushing forward and leveling them with a stereo clothesline. Christian drops to the canvas as does Porno Lad, both men grabbing their throats and gasping for air.

Billy: Hey, the bell hasn’t even rung yet you cheating, cheating whore.

Katie: I’m so sick of the antics of this certifiable lunatic. Plus he’s bald, which is even more of a reason to despise him.

Billy: The ref should disqualify him right now.

The startled Society members limp to their feet wondering what hit them. They are taken by their over styled hair, their foreheads forced together so that AWOL can give them a stereo headbunt. Both men are brought to their knees before AWOL eventually pulls them right back up for the sake of hitting a double vertical suplex.

Mayne: AAAAHHHH! This is so unfair. This is like watching Ned Beatty be violated by a backwoods rapist.

Katie: Christian might as well as start squealing like a pig.

The equally as traumatized tag team partners writhe across the canvas as AWOL has his way with them. He sits up, grin forming across his face, pleased with the relative ease in which he is punishing the Society. Finally the big man stops gloating, feeling the urgency, knowing that all the weight is on his shoulders to win this match. He reaches his feet, takes the first man he sees, Christian being the lucky one, and then wallops him in the face with a knee strike. His other knee now comes up and almost caves in Christian’s nose, knocking him into a spiral.

He spins into the ropes like he were just launched from the hand of Drew Breeze, eventually spilling through the ropes and crashing to the thin protective mats. AWOL is right on top of him, overwhelmed with the thought of ripping Christian to pieces given what happened earlier in the night.

Billy: Stay away from Christian you heathen. Ref, do something, get your fist out of your ass and disqualify this animal.

Steward: And do it before he starts leaving droppings all over the announce table.

Christian doesn’t even have one second to breathe before AWOL is on top of him. From a kneeling base the Big Crazy Bastard pummels him with fist after fist, almost shattering every bone in the face of the Rising Phoenix. AWOL enjoys every jab that connects against his rival, punishing him for what happened earlier in the night

He takes Savior around the neck and begins to lead him up to his feet, unaware that Porno Lad is moving in behind him. His thirst for payback fuels his every strike but it also blinds him to the situation behind his back. Porno Lad throws a forearm before AWOL can react but it didn’t have quite the effect the Prankster had envisioned. AWOL immediately whips around, eyes burning a hole through Porno Lad’s throat.

Mayne: Hey, HEY now, you watch that temper mister.

Steward: Don’t worry, Porno Lad’s about to give him a time out.

The look in AWOL’s eyes, that fiery intensity is enough to send Porno Lad backing away, palms swiping through the air. He motions to AWOL’s shoulder, insisting that he was only trying to kill a mosquito. The Big Crazy Bastard is on the verge of squashing an even more annoying insect before he’s cracked in the back of the head with the ring bell.

Billy: Mwahahahaha….that’s the ticket.

Katie: Right in the back of that ginormous head went the bell and the beauty is that there are no rules. The ref never started the match because Orlando Cruze hasn’t come out here.

Billy: Which is the only smart thing Orlando has EVER done in his whole miserable career.

AWOL turns into the announce table, propping himself up against it by wedging his palms to the surface. He keeps from going down, but maybe hitting the mats would have been for the best. His current position gives his rivals a big opportunity. They grab the now lacerated back of AWOL’s head, pull his skull in reverse and then simultaneously drive him down face first right into the announce table.

Mayne: Ohhh great, that’s just what we needed, a permanent impression of AWOL’s face on the surface of our table. We’re gonna have to buy a whole new announce table now and everything.

Katie: Hopefully one with a better color scheme. The current one is dreadful.

Billy: Those are actually the official colors of the IWC.

Steward: Snot green is the official color? Wow, I don’t even have to make a joke about that.

Finally AWOL is down, succumbing to the two on one advantage beseeching him. He doesn’t lay on his back for long before Porno Lad is leading him up to his feet and towards the ring. A shaken, frazzled Big Crazy Bastard rolls into the squared circle, his bell rung by the back to back shots to his brain.

Permanent brain damage seems to be the primary motivation for Savior and Porno Lad. The Original Prankster is in the ring only for a moment before he pulls AWOL’s skull under his seat and Christian begins scaling the nearest turnbuckle. The fans watch on in horror, foreseeing the fate that awaits the Tag Team Champion.

Billy: It’s been too long since we’ve seen this.

Katie: Someone’s head in Porno Lad’s junk? We see that all the time.

Mayne: I’m talking about the spike piledriver. They did significant damage to Hurse’s scrawny neck with this move so at the least it should put AWOL out of commission for a few weeks.

Porno Lad throws his arms out to his sides and chuckles towards the heavens as he and Christian prepare to injure the constant thorn in their sides. That’s when another rash flares up, Indestructible……hits the PA system and immediately alerts the Five Star Society. Their eyes widen and their faces snap towards the ramp just in time to see the Icon barreling towards them.

Billy: HEY! Wasn’t he supposed to stay out of the ring? Didn’t AWOL warn him? Didn’t he promise to make Orlando’s kids orphans if he got involved?

Katie: Did you really think he would listen? Honestly? The guy has not one remaining braincell in his head. LITERALLY.

Mayne: Your point is taken.

The crowd is positively electric as Orlando slides into the ring and rushes to the aid of his partner. Whether AWOL appreciates it or not, the well being of his neck is preserved by way of Orlando’s interference. Porno Lad throws down the hulking behemoth and moves towards the red hot Cruze only to have his teeth shot into his nostrils thanks to a roaring European Uppercut.

Billy: OOOOOWWW!

The Euro Uppercut is delivered with enough force to give the Original Prankster horrible whiplash and possibly fracture his jaw into a thousand pieces. He lies motionless on the ring, listening to the fans chant the name “Orlando Cruze.” They do so for good reason as Orlando is obviously fired up and setting his opponents ablaze. Christian stands up on the top rope and launches himself off at Cruze, hoping to connect before he could be spotted by the Icon.

Orlando instinctively turns, knowing never to have his back facing the Rising Phoenix. His instincts spared him from the flying lariat, ducking his head just in time to miss the inbound bicep.

Savior lands on his feet and staggers forward, having absolutely nothing to show for his troubles. He hopes to remedy his wasted motion, spinning around and getting a running start towards Orlando. The unsuspecting Savior rushes right into Cruze’s shoulder before being elevated, spun, and ultimately driven into the canvas with a spinebuster. The Double A spinebuster leaves Christian convulsing like he were in an epileptic fit.

Mayne: This whole night has not gone the way the Five Star Society would have liked. It’s been worse than sitting through a Uwe Boll movie.

Katie: I’d take House of the Dead over this any day of the week.

Cruze is back on his feet feeding off the raw emotion from the crowd, spinning around and looking all fired up. He turns right towards Porno Lad, who has utilized the cables to reach his feet and looks like someone coming off an all night bender. His wobbly legs carry him just long enough to walk into the clutches of the Icon.

Orlando catches Porno Lad against his shoulders, stands up, drops back and delivers the Samoan Slam.

Billy: This is horrible, HORRIBLE, I can’t watch anymore.

Katie: Now you know how I feel all night long.

The crowd is really amped up, everyone slapping the barricades, stomping their feet, creating a loud ruckus on behalf of this Orlando onslaught. Their energy is infectious, Orlando inspired by their reaction. He stands up, throws a fist high above his head and then slips, dropping to a knee. His eyes become glossed over slightly and slowly begin to blink in an almost awkward fashion.

>Mayne: Uh-huh, looks like all that demurral and speed is starting to catch up on Orlando.

Katie: Oh he’s just hamming this up for the sake of sympathy.

Orlando looks out over the crowd and smirks before starting to stand up only to fall right back to a knee, unable to put any weight on his leg. He now grabs at his left bicep, his arm hanging somewhat limply at his side.

Billy: Oooookay, this is odd.

The excitement that Orlando has generated begins to fade as does Cruze’s body.

Mayne: The Five Star Society didn’t even touch him.

Katie: Hmmm, maybe I’m so incredible that I’ve developed the ability to hurt others by just thinking about it.

Billy: You’d be a totally hotter version of Michael Ironside from Scanners.

Katie: Hotter?

Mayne: Well, in certain lights he’s kinda….can we just drop this?

It takes Cruze a moment to compose himself but he’s back on his feet in no time. That trademark smirk returns to his face, dismissing this whole incident even as the ref questions his well being. Orlando waves the official off then focuses on Christian utilizing the turnbuckle as an aid. He has just reached his feet when Cruze comes charging in and delivers a violent clothesline directly to his throat. Christian’s legs kick up into the air and he almost falls to the canvas, but somehow his arms keep his body upright.

Orlando turns towards Porno Lad utilizing the diagonal corner to stand, prompting him to take off across the ring. A mirror image of what happened to Christian takes place when Orlando victimizes the Original Prankster. Porno Lad is taken off of his feet and sent crashing to his seat, looking even more dazed than before. Orlando spins back towards the hammered Savior and prepares for another lariat. He builds some momentum and retracts his arm just before running right into the raised boot of his nemesis. The kick to the skull has Orlando dropping to the canvas, grabbing at his skull and writhing.

Mayne: Wow, had no idea that Christian’s kicks were so power….wait, yes I did. He’s got a better foot on him that Sebastian Janikowski.

Katie: Am I supposed to know who that is?

Billy: He’s the kicker for the Raider…..

Katie: I don’t care.

Orlando pulls his hands back from his face and stares at them with incredibly wide eyes. They begin to milk over as he suffers double vision, seeing four palms in front of his face. He tries once again to just shake it off and starts to reach his feet when Christian steps out of the corner. The Rising Phoenix cuts Cruze off and takes him around the neck, setting up for the inverted DDT.

Billy: This will be the glorious, glorious kill move.

Savior wastes time to showboat, truly relishing the opportunity to inflict pain on Orlando, especially after what happened on the last Riot! This time it’s gonna be Orlando left on his back though. Christian grabs him by the trunks and begins to lift only for Orlando to suddenly snatch him by the creases of his knees. Before Savior knows it he’s being rolled to his chest and placed in the sharpshooter.

The fans are absolutely bursting with joy, Savior wedging his elbows to the canvas, shoving himself up into the air and roaring at the top of his lungs. The last thing he ever expected was to be in this predicament, especially by Orlando Cruze, who enjoys every second of the punishment he’s inflicting on the Rising Phoenix. He punishes a man who has tormented him since he first put his foot in the door.

Katie: Don’t you tap Savior, don’t you DARE tap.

Mayne: He won’t, he won’t ever. Christian NEVER submits, never, ever, EVER!

Just before the thought can even cross Christian’s mind Porno Lad intervenes. The battered Prankster rushes towards Orlando and pulls back his fist, ready to deck the Icon. That’s when his arm is blocked and Orlando responds with a closed fist of his own. The strike sends Porno Lad staggering back.

Despite not connecting with the jab the FSS member has succeeded in separating Orlando from his partner, preventing the submission. But now it’s Porno Lad who suffers the wrath of a driven Cruze, an onslaught of right hands pulverizing his face.

He can’t even get his arms up to protect his money maker as jab after jab backs him across the ring. Finally one of Orlando’s furious fists fail to connect. Why, because his knuckles overshoot Porno Lad’s head by like a mile. Orlando then staggers forward and almost looses his footing. Porno Lad, who has fallen into the ropes, now watches with confusion as Orlando desperately tries to keep his feet beneath him. He has a really hard time maintaining his balance, almost falling to a knee but somehow keeping himself upright.

Mayne: Porno Lad is just as perplexed by this as I am.

Katie: I hardly think Ethan would ever be as confused as you.

Billy: It looks like there’s something not quite right about Orlando. Is this what AWOL war referencing earlier. Speaking of which, what the fuck happened to AWOL?

The camera briefly catches the Big Crazy Bastard lying at ringside, his palm placed to the blood creeping from the back of his head. He apparently has no idea what is happening in the ring, unaware of Orlando’s slip. As Porno Lad steps out of the ropes Orlando Cruze bounces back, standing and hitting one more blow that knocks the Original Prankster to the canvas.

The fans are going nuts, relieved to see that everything is alright as Orlando turns towards his most adamant rival. Christian, in the midst of working his way to his feet, crosses his forearms in front of his face to shield himself from the impending blows. Orlando rushes straight at him but looses his footing, falling to the canvas across his knees and propping himself up with the use of his fists. A small sliver of blood begins to dribble from one of his nostrils and spill to the canvas below.

Mayne: What the fuc…..Katie, are you doing this?

Steward: Don’t break my concentration.

The concerned fans watch on quietly, some gasping at the sight of Orlando’s nose bleed, which could be indicative of a far more serious problem. Christian lowers his arms and looks into Cruze’s face, drawn into the milky eyes of the Icon. He only looks away when the ref steps in, checks on Orlando’s condition and then throws his arms up into an “X.”

Billy: I guess Orlando IS seriously hurt.

Katie: Excellent, my powers must have doubled.

When the referee implies that Orlando is too injured to compete the Icon leaps to his feet and grabs him by the jersey. Although he almost falls over in the midst of his argument, Orlando is DEMANDING that the official not call for help, vehement that he can and will continue this match. Referee Wright tells him straight out that it’s over, that Cruze can’t possibly continue.

Mayne: I think the ref is ejecting Orlando. Why he didn’t do that at the beginning of this match…..no, no, better yet, when Orlando first competed in an IWC ring, is beyond me.

Katie: He would have spared us from years of counseling, that’s for sure.

Cruze grabs the ref and shakes him, now ordering Wright as his boss to cancel his decision and let him wrestle. The referee sticks by his guns and Cruze finally stops trying to reason with him. He spins around instead and staggers towards Christian, Wright be damned. He cocks his fist and walks right into a diamond cutter by the Rising Phoenix.

Mayne: Ohhhh shipoopie!

Steward: Now Orlando can REALLY sell his injury. Go ahead people, cry, weep, Orlando is nothing without your precious tears.

Cruze lies on his back, eyes wide, not even blinking. A small sliver of drool seeps from the corner of his mouth and down his cheek.

Billy: You know, it really looks like Orlando might be injured. I mean, I had heard rumors, and I guess that’s what AWOL was addressing earlier tonight, that Cruze’s brain was damaged in some capacity.

Katie: Orlando, brain damage, this surprises you how?

Wright immediately gets between Christian and Cruze, dropping down and checking on the Icon’s condition. He snaps his fingers in front of Orlando’s face and gets no response. Those in the audience watch with dismay, heart broken by the image of Cruze rendered immobile and unconscious thanks to Christian Savior. The Rising Phoenix falls looks on without mercy, pity, or regret. He seems strangely fascinated by Cruze’s ordeal, his comatose condition. A smirk slithers across Christian’s face as the official cries out for some medical aid.

Billy: Come on already, get him out of the ring, if he’s dead he’ll shit himself and it’ll stink the whole joint up.

Katie: Like your breath doesn’t already.

Despite the referee’s best attempts to protect Cruze he is suddenly thrown aside by Porno Lad, who has had ENOUGH fooling around. He and Christian make eye contact and without uttering so much as a word Savior starts towards the turnbuckle and Porno Lad takes Cruze’s head into his arms.

Billy: Uhhh, fellas, I don’t think there’s any reason for this. Your just wasting energy, Orlando’s already done.

Katie: He wanted to wrestle, let him wrestle.

Orlando falls right back to the canvas every time Porno Lad tries to stand him up. Eventually he gets Cruze to his knees and forces the head under his seat. Loud shrieks can be heard, the fans finally realizing what Savior and Porno Lad have planned for the already injured Icon. Christian reaches the top rope.

Billy: This isn’t necessary.

Porno Lad lifts Orlando into the air, allowing him to hang upside down before Christian flies off the top rope, catches him by the ankles and pulls him down skull first into the ring. Porno Lad drops to his seat, the FSS duo connecting with the deadly spike piledriver.

Katie: YEAH! This is the first time I’ve been excited all night long.

All those in the audience watch with hands cupped over mouths, heads lowered, eyes shielded. No one can’t quite believe the low that the Five Star Society has just sunk to, hitting an illegal move on an already injured Orlando Cruze. Instead of showing even the slightest bit of remorse Porno Lad steps to the center of the ring and gives the fans a Herculean pose. Christian on the other hand kneels over Orlando, face to face with the unconscious Icon.

Christian: Don’t worry Orlando, I’ll make sure your kids are well taken care of.

The Cartel Champion is forced back by Wright, ensuring that no further damage can be done to Orlando. The damage that has already been inflicted is crippling, Christian content with his handiwork. He moseys to the center of the ring and bows to the jeering audience.

Mayne: They did it, they finally just did it, they just ended the career of Orlando Cruze.

Steward: Time to start a tickertape parade. I demand to be on a float made entirely from the fur of endangered polar bears.

Billy: I’ll keep that in mind.

The celebration continues from the Five Star Society as they posture and gesticulate in front of a somber crowd. Every eye is glued on the EMTs rushing to the ringside area and gathering around the comatose Cruze, Wright pleading with them to help. One EMT shines a light in Orlando’s eyes while another slips a backboard into the ring in order to transport him.

Billy: Is this match still going or what? I guess we’re gonna find out after the break. That better be enough time to cart Cruze’s worthless ass out of the ring.

Katie: The entire IWC staff is slower than Ben Stiller in Simple Jack, so they’ll probably take all night.

Christian finally stops posturing long enough to watch Orlando placed onto the backboard with a cast slipping around his neck.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Blasphemy = Buyrates

AWOL VS. PORNO LAD & CHRISTIAN SAVIOR

The show comes back live to find AWOL on a knee being choked out with the use of the tag rope. From the outside of the ring Christian has hold of the rope as it wraps around the Big Crazy Bastard’s throat and cuts off all oxygen flow to his brain. The official is starting a five count on Savior, threatening to disqualify him should he not break the choke. All the while Porno Lad is pummeling the Tag Team Champion with stomps and forearm strikes.

Billy: Welcome back to the Five Star Society Hour, we’re your hosts…..

Katie: I’M the host, your more of the sub-host.

Mayne: Okay, anyway, as you can see the Five Star Society gave the referee no other option but to let this match continue. Before the break we saw what may have been the death of Orlando Cruze’s wrestling career, thanks to Christian and Porno Lad. And then, while you were all away from the TV defecating then and rolling around in your own feces, this happened….

DURING THE BREAK

Billy: Orlando Cruze was removed from the ring via stretcher…

A series of clips showcase Orlando being loaded onto a backboard and then eased delicately from the ring to a stretcher. His head and neck are braced, his whole body limp as it’s transported from the ring and up the ramp. EMTs are gathered in force around him, checking his pupil response and trying to get him conscious. All the while Christian stands on a turnbuckle waving goodbye to the Icon.

Mayne: Orlando taken away and we may never, EVER see him wrestle again.

Steward: If we’re lucky.

Billy: True. And now with Orlando out of the equation, it leaves AWOL all alone fighting a two on one advantage, which is what he wanted all along.

AWOL VS. PORNO LAD & CHRISTIAN SAVIOR

We’re back live with AWOL now standing with his back pressed to a turnbuckle and Porno Lad ramming his shoulder repeatedly into the big man’s stomach.

Steward: Keep working him over boys, don’t let him breathe.

The Empire member looks physically drained, the shots to his head leaving him barely coherent as this onslaught continues. Porno Lad stands up and chops AWOL viciously across the sternum, and then does so again with even more force. The Big Crazy Bastard almost falls out of the turnbuckle but somehow is able to keep himself upright as the onslaught continues.

Porno Lad steps back, throws his arms out to his sides and kisses the sky, showboating like only he can. This gives AWOL just enough time to step out of the corner and almost level him with a knife edge chop straight across the sternum. The blow is delivered with such force that it takes Porno Lad from his feet to the canvas.

Mayne: How dare AWOL use Porno Lad’s own offense against him, completely unprofessional if you ask me.

A bruise has formed across Porno Lad’s sternum thanks to the chop. Nevertheless he rolls across the ring and eventually reaches his feet just as AWOL charges at him, throwing a big right hand. The crafty former number one contender sidesteps the fist, catches AWOL around the ankle and drop toe holds him face first into the ring. AWOL hits the canvas and immediately gets to all fours, trying to stand up. That’s when Porno Lad charges up beside him and delivers a sudden dropkick to the side of his skull.

AWOL rolls to his back, looking barely conscious at this point while his opponent makes the tag. Although tentative to do so, Porno Lad slaps the outstretched hand of Savior. Christian picks up on the hesitance but dismisses it in favor of further debilitating the Big Crazy Bastard. He rushes across the apron and then grabs the top rope, leaping into the air, twisting his body around and dropping with the creases of his knees across the cable. He delivers an Arabian Press moonsault, connecting right across AWOL’s chest and then falling forward into a pin.

AWOL’s gigantic shoulder lunges from the ring, preventing a three count. Savior rises to a knee, slapping his hands together and getting all over the official’s case.

Mayne: What’s wrong with the referees around here, do they have arthritis or something?

Steward: They’re old, they’re brittle, they’re incontinent, their pretty much just like Orlando Cruze.

Mayne: Ooooh BURN!

Christian snatches AWOL around the neck and pulls him to his knees before applying the front chancery. He grabs the back of his tights and slowly forces him towards his feet. The moment the Tag Team Champion is upright he wedges his hands to Christian’s gut and shoves him backwards. Savior staggers to the center of the ring but then gets a running start only for AWOL to lift his boot to behead him.

Christian drops down into a baseball slide under the foot and then stands up behind his back. He rushes forward right into a back elbow from AWOL, the blow connecting to his mouth and rattling his teeth. As a result Christian is staggered, falling spine first into the cables, ricocheting off and coming right back into the waiting palm of the Big Crazy Bastard. AWOL catches Christian by the throat and prepares to lift him into the air only for Christian to deliver a quick stomp to his knee.

The strike brings AWOL down to a kneeling base while Christian grabs him around the neck, snapping back into a high impact DDT. The Empire representative rolls to his back, eyes glazed over, blinking awkwardly.

Mayne: Savior and Porno Lad just continuing to work AWOL over like he were a big…..whoa, wait, what the hell is this?

Down the ramp now strolls a confident Jackson Adams, the stolen Tag Team Title belt residing over his shoulder.

Billy: Ooooohh wonderful, here Jackson Adams is again to spoil what little entertainment I was getting out of tonight’s show. Please tell me he’s coming out here to be murdered by AWOL.

Katie: Preposterous, that would mean IWC have to show us something entertaining, which is asking, far, far too much.

Mayne: Why is he here? He shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t be anywhere, he should be hiding in that hole Sadaam was dragged out of.

The confident Adams doesn’t stop at the end of the ramp, he keeps on walking, up the steps and to the apron. Once positioned in AWOL’s corner he begins to slap the top of the turnbuckle, drop his stolen title to the apron and then extend his palm. Despite being subjected to the two on one beatdown, AWOL still has the strength to lift his head, peering towards Adams, hand outstretched in anticipation of the tag. The Big Crazy Bastard suddenly has a flash of deja-vu, remembering that it was not too long ago when Johnny Kingdom made this same gesture in the midst of his handicap bout against the Buehler sisters. He isn’t about to change there being a repeat in history.

Billy: W….T…..F, this isn’t happening. Jackson Adams is not asking for the tag into this match. Is it even legal for him to participate? In fact, is it legal for him to be out of his house while the sun is still shining?

Steward: True, there probably should be some type of ordinance prohibiting that.

Mayne: AWOL isn’t about to tag Jackson in, he remembers what happened last time he took someone up on this offer, he ended up losing to the sexiest fraternal twins ever.

Adams continues to offer up a tag, fingers twiddling in anticipation of his hand being slapped. To him seconds feel like hours as he waits for the Big Crazy Bastard to take him up on his offer. To Jackson the tag would be symbolic of AWOL’s acceptance into the new Alpha Generation. AWOL isn’t about to join a group he once tried to eradicate, instead he’s struggling towards his feet, getting one foot beneath him.

It takes all of his mite to get up only to be taken right back down with a running knee to the temple. The strike by Savior takes the former marine to his forearms, propped from the canvas by them. Savior now puts his boot to AWOL’s skull, heel dragging across the laceration left there. In much the same way that Christian and Porno Lad ended the career of Orlando Cruze, the two now look to exploit the same strategy against AWOL.

Mayne: They’ve got this match in the bag. They ended Orlando’s tyranny, and they’ve now ended the Empire. Without AWOL, Kingdom and Hurse will crumble like the Titanic hitting an iceberg.

Katie: Poor Leo.

AWOL tries to shake off all the shots he’s taken into the skull, not wanting to leave here tonight on a stretcher, just like Orlando Cruze. Adams pleads for the tag at this point, desperate to show unity between himself and his former Empire teammate. AWOL would rather chance injury though, he begins to rise when Savior blasts him to the forehead with a right and then gets a running start to deliver a huge boot between the eyes.

However, AWOL reaches out, catches the ankle and pushes it down. As a result Christian’s foot hits the canvas and then he quickly leaps forward into an enzugari kick to the Tag Champ’s temple. AWOL hits the ring and rolls off his shoulder towards his corner. He looks up and spots the twiddling fingers above, yet refuses to be lured to them like a fish to a hook.

He crawls towards the cables and begins to drag himself up when Christian steps in and takes his broad shoulder, spinning him around. Savior delivers a powerful throat thrust, both hands colliding with the carotid artery. AWOL coughs and gasps as he falls into the ropes, utilizing them as a crutch. It’s at this point that Savior grabs AWOL’s wrist and sends him shooting off across the ring. The Big Crazy Bastard bounces off and Savior rushes forward to nail him with the spear as he comes back in.

Billy: The Blaze of Glory!

Just as Savior hurdles himself forward he’s met with a kick directly to the face. The strike echoes throughout the arena and causes Christian to stand up straight, eyes flickering awkwardly as he tries to remain conscious. AWOL now rushes forward, sweeps the outer leg and takes the Rising Phoenix down with a STO. The crowd applauds the counter, AWOL keeping himself alive despite these overwhelming odds.

Mayne: He’s got Christian down, now all he needs to do….hahahaha….all he needs to….HAHA….he just has to…HAHAHAHAHAHA….

Katie: Out with it!

Billy:…..make the tag…..HAHAHAHAHA!

Steward: Heh.

AWOL doesn’t even toy with the thought of tagging Jackson in, stubborn even to his detriment. He grimaces while reaching his feet, suffering a skull fracturing migraine. As AWOL stands Christian rolls, right to his partner, slapping the outstretched palm of Porno Lad. The Prankster immediately starts up the turnbuckle, reaching the very top rope.

Just as AWOL stands Porno Lad leaps from the top, soars through the air and connects with a big dropkick right on his shoulder. AWOL is knocked to his spine and quickly covered by the determined Prankster.

The conniving superstar is denied his victory, AWOL’s shoulder escaping the canvas and the three count.

Billy: They should have automated referees, robots that can’t be biased, have no personality, and can also be programmed to perform lewd sexual acts.

Katie: They have those already, their called the Motherfuckers of the United States of America.

The fans are getting as anxious as a male dog chained to a post when a bitch in heat lives just across the street. Porno Lad feels the tension, prompting him to roll AWOL across the canvas, then slide to the outside. By the wrist AWOL is dragged towards a turnbuckle post, his arm and bicep being wrapped around it. The crowd begins to squeal and AWOL grimaces as he’s placed in a key lock around the ring post.

Porno Lad not only traps his arm there but begins to deliver headbunts repeatedly to the bicep, doing even more damage. A five count starts, reaching four before Porno Lad breaks the hold. He then rushes in and delivers a kick right to the point of AWOL’s elbow, doing even more damage to the arm.

The Big Crazy Bastard grunts and groans as he rolls back towards the center of the ring. Porno Lad slides in on his belly and then grabs his opponent’s arm, applying an overhead wrist lock.

Billy: It’s over, it’s done. After the injuries inflicted on that arm, AWOL is lucky if he’ll ever be able to use it again.

Katie: I would imagine he has to use it a lot, especially in the shower in the mornings.

The fans are on their feet in order to stomp them across the concrete, creating a loud rumble effect throughout the Manhattan Center. Everyone teems with excitement as AWOL slowly, painstakingly starts towards his feet. It takes absolutely everything he has in his system to start towards his feet.

Steward: Won’t everyone just shut their traps!?! If their not chanting my name then I don’t want to hear a word from them.

Mayne: I’d put duct tape on everyone of their mouths, but then I’d get sued, again. I’ve learned the hard way that putting duct tape over someone’s mouth constitutes assault, and having them wear bicker leather leads to even stiffer penalties.

Steward: I would imagine that you want to emphasize the stiffer part.

The excitement is building to epic levels as AWOL finally stands up, arm still being bent and distorted at a very awkward angle. He is able to turn just enough though to reach back with his free arm. Somehow he grabs the far hip of the World Title number one contender, pulling him slowly to his side.

Somehow AWOL is able to reach back, grab Porno Lad around the waist and lift him into the air for a side buster slam. The hold is broken as a result and now Porno Lad is about to experience spine wrenching horror. That is until he provides a last second counter, flipping up and on top of AWOL’s shoulder. Before long he’s sliding down to his feet, dropping behind his opponent and then leaping into the air.

He catches AWOL around the neck with both arms and wraps his legs about the waist, going for a choke-out victory.

Mayne: Porno Lad is so smart, so, so, so smart. Smarter than the average bear.

Steward: Are you quoting Yogi the Bear? I knew you were desperate for material, but now you’ve sunken to all time lows.

Billy: I’m a shameful, shameful individual.

Katie: Your credit card receipts would definitely vouch for that. I can just imagine how many X-rated films are charged onto your account.

Mayne: I actually created a whole separate line of credit for that.

AWOL is fading, barely having the strength to hold himself up let alone bear the weight of Porno Lad. He clinches the hold in even tighter, squeezing and squeezing on the neck till his head pops like a pimple. AWOL isn’t about to go headless, he wraps his arms around the creases of Porno Lad’s knees then drops back, all of his weight crashing down on top of his opponent’s body.

Porno Lad’s back is driven viciously into the canvas, causing him to convulse and writhe uncontrollably.

Mayne: Nooo, he broke the hold. This is worse, this is sooo much worser and that the worsest.

Steward: It’s pretty bad, but what would be even worse is if my fashion line is cancelled.

AWOL drops off of Porno Lad, who is now having trouble breathing, all the air knocked out of him. With injured bones and tired muscles AWOL rolls across the canvas and slowly begins reaching his feet. He turns towards Adams, who again pleads his case.

Jackson: You can trust me, AWOL, you know you can. Just reach out and take my hand. It’s not too late for salvation. If not for you, then the sake of your legacy.

Without delay AWOL pulls back and spits in Jackson’s direction. Luckily he sidesteps the saliva and then looks at AWOL as if he were Judas. The distraction allows Porno Lad time to reach his feet and step up behind AWOL. The big man is grabbed by the shoulder and spun around. PL had underestimated AWOL’s skill though, the monster turning and coldcocking him right to the cheek. The strike knocks the Original Prankster to the canvas where he’s devastated by a series of stomps.

Clearly Christian has seen enough at this point, dropping to the outside of the ring, approaching the Tag Title belt and snatching it from the mats.

Katie: What is it with these tag straps, why are they so valuable? I didn’t autograph them did I?

Billy: I don’t think so.

Steward: Good, because I wasn’t compensated.

The Tag Team Title belt is taken into Christian’s hand and is about to be introduced to AWOL’s skull. The Rising Phoenix slips into the ring and with belt in his possession rises to his feet, ready to knock the Big Crazy Bastard into next week. He now rushes forward with the belt readied only to run right into a spear, Jackson Adams almost tearing him in half.

Mayne: That BASTARD! I told he ruins everything. He has a reverse Midas Touch, everything he comes in contact with turns to shit.

Katie: Including his breathe.

Savior hits the canvas and grabs his mid-section, rolling around in pain, gasping for air at this point. The Submission Champion now stands tall over the Cartel Title holder, relishing in this moment. Not only did he come to the aid of AWOL, but he got to take out months worth of frustration on one of the Five Star Society members. Christian gags and wheezes, the spear having taken all the oxygen out of his lungs. The referee continues to be side-tracked with the ensuing brawl between AWOL and Porno Lad, a brawl that AWOL proves to be the victor in.

He takes the well kempt hair of the Original Prankster into his hand, pulls him to his feet and then throws him with all his strength into a turnbuckle. Porno Lad hits the corner and then falls to his seat, propped by the turnbuckle that just caused him so much grief.

The crowd can tell by that sadistic gleam in AWOL’s eyes that he has something big in store. Jackson even recognizes this, pausing as he was right about to toss the Tag Title belt out of the ring and then throwing it over his shoulder so that he can cheer the Big Crazy Bastard on.

AWOL steps towards Porno Lad, puts the boot to his face and then scrapes his heel right across the flesh.

Mayne: Not the face washes, anything but the face washes. Your gonna hurt Porno Lad’s movie star good looks.

Steward: I was in a movie once, but in the end it didn’t live up to my standards so I had my face covered by another actress who stole all the credit for my magnificent looks. Damn you Jennifer Gray, you could have at least given me credit for my wonderful dance steps opposite Patrick Swayze.

Billy: Ummm, weren’t you like five when Dirty Dancing came out?

Katie: I was incredibly mature for my age. I’ve pretty much had this Godly body since I was born.

The retched Porno Lad howls with pain as the heel scrapes across his flesh, tearing his oh so precious skin away. AWOL now delivers another face wash before finally clapping his hands above his head and taking off across the ring. He rushes into the far ropes, building as much momentum as possible. AWOL finally ricochets from the farthest cables, everyone, including Adams cheering him on as he prepares to deliver the final face wash, a blow that may inflict the same type of brain damage on Porno Lad as Orlando was forced to suffer.

To the surprise of everyone, it’s AWOL’s head that suffers a splitting blow. As soon as AWOL gets half way across the ring Jackson charges in and smacks him in the face with the Tag Team Title belt. The Big Crazy Bastard goes down like a sack of potatoes, hitting the canvas then grabbing his pounding skull.

Mayne: Again, I’m surprised to hear myself say this, but THANK YOU Jackson Adams. The man is once again my all time personal hero, just beneath Christian Savior and Porno Lad on the totem poll.

Steward: I still hate him….

Billy: Yeah, so do I, the lousy little S.O…..

Steward: No wait, maybe I do like him.

Billy: He’s the greatest, I love Jackson Adams, he’s like Jesus, Tony Stark, and Val Kilmer all rolled into one package.

Katie: Your so easily swayed.

Mayne: Yes, yes I am.

The official has no alternative but to call for the bell, disqualifying the Five Star Society on the basis of Jackson’s interference. Adams stands over the laid out AWOL, listening to the boos which threaten to blow the lid off of the Manhattan Center. He is unphased by the reaction from a highly, highly disappointed crowd. Everyone in the stands heckles Jackson for his hypocrisy, vowing to bring honor back to wrestling and then turning around and ruining both of the main events.

Jackson bends his knees, lowering himself towards a barely conscious AWOL and still holding the belt that put the Big Crazy Bastard in this very predicament.

Jackson: You shouldn’t have stood between Kingdom and I, Anthony. Consider the offer to join the Alpha Generation rescinded. You’re not good enough to hang with me. I’ve learned everything that I can from you, and now, just like Kingdom, just like the Five Star Society, your just….your just….in my way.

He stands up and spits down at AWOL, giving him a little bit of his own medicine. The heinous celebration is cut short however, when three figures come barreling down the ramp. Psycho leads the charge as he, Riggs and Suzie slip under the ropes and rush to their feet.

Billy: Uhhhh, I’m suddenly so conflicted my nipples are about to bleed. Should I be glad that these three are out here to hurt Adams, or should I be angry with them for interjecting in this beatdown on AWOL? Katie, give me guidance.

Steward: Your on you own, mostly because I’m now napping.

Adams is in the process of lifting his foot to stomp down into AWOL’s face when Riggs grabs him by the shoulder, spinning him around so that their face to face. JA leaps back and clinches his fists, ready to swing them at a moment’s notice. That’s when he’s spun around again, this time by Psycho then grabbed by the throat. Both hands engulf Jackson’s neck, his eyes widening as he glares into the monstrous, distorted features of the Sadistic One.

Mayne: Hit the Redeemer already, no, don’t hit it, okay, hit it, no, wait….dammit.

Now the time has come for Psycho and Riggs to seal their partnership with AWOL. After all the months of run ins and unusual interactions they are about to show the world that despite appearances, they truly are unified with the Big Crazy Bastard. The very Big Crazy Bastard now struggling to his feet.

AWOL stands just in time to meet eyes with the two men he helped to mature and evolve here in the IWC. His pupils cut back and forth to the pear he’s denied association with for so very long, seeing now, unequivocally that their motives are genuine, that they’ve always had his back. Suzie watches on from the outside of the ring just like everyone else, knowing what a huge moment this is after all the build up, after a years worth of questions the answer is finally here.

Psycho symbolizes their union by tossing Adams backwards, Jackson turning right into the clutches of the Big Crazy Bastard. His palm engulfs Jackson by the throat. Adams is too stunned to even defend himself, his moment of victory shattered by this reversal in fortunes. AWOL throws Jackson’s arm over his shoulder, reaches down and grabs him by the tights, preparing to drive him to the canvas and drive home the unity between the Big Crazy Bastards and those crazy enough to call themselves his pupils.

Billy: This is gonna be nasty.

Katie: No more nastier than CHBK’s face. Ahhhh, I love random insults almost as much as I love combing my hair ten hours a day.

A paralyzed Adams is raised into the air, AWOL holding him there and enjoying every last second. That’s when a boot meets him directly in the jaw, Riggs delivering a superkick that ends disrupts AWOL’s destructive tendencies. Jackson slips out of his hand and falls to his feet, looking up with a broad smile on his face as the shocked AWOL stumbles back into the ropes.

The cables not only support AWOL but gently push him off into the waiting hands of Psycho. The Sadistic One takes AWOL into his clutches and mumbles some truly harrowing statements to his former handler.

Psycho: I’ve waited soooooo long for this.

AWOL is raised into the air and planted to the canvas with the Redeemer, everyone in the building gasping over what they just witnessed.

Billy: Psycho and Riggs….just….well…..I don’t….they double crossed AWOL.

Katie: And apparently they’ve been waiting a very long time to do so. If you ask me, that’s a whole lot of wasted energy.

Fans are now tossing trash into the ring over the incident playing out before their very eyes. This surprising moment only becomes more surprising when Jackson steps in between Psycho and Riggs, who are preoccupied staring down into the broken body of AWOL, and takes both men by their wrists. He raises them into the air and the crowd cuts lose with their thoughts.

Mayne: Wait, wait, wait, wait, they had this planned? Jackson, Psycho, and Riggs, their together? All of AWOL’s former students have risen up against him?

Steward: That’s almost brilliant, not quite, but almost.

Mayne: That’s a huge compliment coming from you.

The crowd continues to pelt the trio with garbage and insults. No one expected this turn of events, this swerve after swerve after swerve, all building to the unification of the N.H.B Champion, the Submission Champion, and the Sadistic One. Suzie shakes her head at the fans, all the while smiling, almost rubbing it in their faces.

Not even Porno Lad can believe it as he remains seated in a corner, still suffering from those lethal kicks to the face. Even though he’s dazed he still watches on in disbelief as a new force has been assembled here in the IWC, one that will certainly challenge the pecking order.

Christian is just as surprised, leaning against the apron and wondering what effects this newly united trio will have on his well laid plans.

Billy: I’m almost speechless….

Steward: That’s a relief.

Billy: Here we thought for months that Psycho and Riggs were trying to endear themselves to AWOL, but instead, they were just setting up their long time mentor and acquaintance. And apparently Jackson had a hand in all this. What role are these three going to play down the line, what are they going to do to the IWC, will anyone actually care? I guess we’ll find out next…..whoa, hold that thought, this isn’t over yet.

To a piercing ovation from the crowd Johnny Kingdom comes barreling down the ramp bandaged forehead and all.

Steward: Uuuugh, more Johnny Kingdom. Can I just leave now? I feel like I should be paid for overtime whenever I have to look at Kingdom’s face.

Billy: What a damn fool he is for coming out here.

Without even the slightest delay Kingdom comes sliding into the ring and leaping to his feet. It’s the N.H.B Champion who cuts him off, Riggs throwing a right hand that is blocked. Kingdom pushes it away and then spins around, delivering the roaring elbow. It forearm drills Riggs between the eyes and puts him on his back. Jackson now rushes forward and receives a kick to the gut that staggers him. Psycho quickly rushes forward only to have Kingdom leap into the air and dropkick him to the face. The blow knocks the monster to the canvas, Kingdom coming down right beside him.

As both athletes leave their feet the fans come to theirs, absolutely swept up into Johnny Kingdom fever.

Mayne: Johnny taking it to the new alliance. And by taking it to them, I don’t mean sexually. That would just make things totally, totally awkward.

Katie: Just like your incest with your cousin.

Billy: Second cousin, that makes it almost legal.

The fans are pumped up, as is Kingdom, who is driven by the events of earlier tonight. Without his title Kingdom is without inhibition, stepping into the lion’s den for the sake of vengeance against his many enemies. He may have Riggs, Adams and Psycho reeling but unfortunately he’s exposed his back to Porno Lad. The Prankster quickly takes advantage, rushing up behind Kingdom, nailing him to the back of the neck with a lariat and bringing him to his knees.

Porno Lad now begins to work him over with clubbing blows and forearm strikes, determined to break the Team Leader once and for all.

Mayne: Yeah, hahahaha, I was wondering when the Five Star Society were going to take back the spotlight.

Steward: They should never, EVER, be deprived of it again.

All cheers have transformed into boos as this assault continues. Although Kingdom was initially fired up, emotion could only compensate for his numerous injuries for so long. Into the ring Christian now slides, joining Porno Lad in the beatdown. The two worked together earlier to end Orlando Cruze and now they seem intent on doing the same to Johnny Kingdom.

Billy: Hey, they’ve ended so many careers tonight, how about one more? Hahahaha.

Before Porno Lad and Christian can vanquish the Team Leader they need to grow eyes in the back of their heads. If they had this genetic mutation they would be aware that Adams and Riggs are rushing in. Christian is spun around and cracked to the jaw with a right hand by the N.H.B Champion, while Adams goes straight after Porno Lad, the two exchanging punches and chops.

Mayne: This is total and utter….alright, this has just reached wacky proportions.

Katie: It’s the Masturbators of the Czech Republic.

The reaction from the crowd intensifies as Too Magnificent and Simon Cagero barrel down the ramp and straight into the ring. They jump to their feet and leap right into the action. Too Magnificent grabs Riggs by the hair, turns him and then throws the Painted Warrior into the ropes. The moment he hits the cables Riggs wraps his arms around them, keeping himself from falling victim to a big boot. He is then grabbed by the ankle and dragged out of the ring by Suzie.

The N.H.B Champion falls against her for support, the two backing away from the ring. Simon is in the process of cracking Adams repeatedly in the face with right hands before eventually stepping back, setting for a superkick. Jackson is smart enough to avoid it, hitting the canvas then rolling under the ropes. He meets Psycho and the two convene with Riggs and Suzie at the end of the ramp.

Billy: So the MOUSA come to the rescue…..wait a minute, does that mean, could it be, are Simon and Too Magnificent REALLY part of the Five Star Society?

Katie: How do you figure?

Mayne: Well, you guys helped Simon win the World Title, you helped Too Magnificent retain his N.H.B gold against AWOL, you’ve basically nursed them back to popularity…..

Steward: Yes, yes, the cat is out of the bag, right here tonight, Simon and Too Mag have officially pledged to the Five Star Society, they are now our minions.

Billy: INCREDIBLE! So much being resolved here tonight in terms of alliances. This is the greatest Riot! ever.

The MOUSA continue to make eye contact with the quartet parked at ringside. It’s clear that the war between these two factions has just escalated. Before Too Magnificent and Simon can get too preoccupied however, their attention shifts to Christian and Porno Lad standing behind them. The Original Prankster and the Rising Phoenix exchange a quick glance before grinning ear to ear. They turn in the direction of the MOUSA, the very group that they’ve extended an olive branch of peace towards, the very group they’ve been helping out for months. Finally the MOUSA has reciprocated, coming to their aid, and officially stepping under the banner of the Five Star Society.

The two FSS representatives step forward, hands extended, demanding that Simon and Too Magnificent kiss their ring fingers and bow before them.

Mayne: This is such a moment, a moment that has been building and building only to pay off with the most epic culmination of all times.

Without a moment of delay Simon takes Christian’s hand into his own while Too Magnificent grabs the fingers of the number one contender. They slowly bow down to the disgust of the fans, all those packed in the Manhattan Center on the verge of upchucking their five dollar hotdogs and room temperature beer. The sight before them is truly revolting. Things change in a heart beat however, when Simon pulls Christian forward, catches him around the neck then drops back into the Break the Silence.

Mayne: BRAAAAAHHH!!

Katie: That had better of been a momentary lapse in judgment.

Porno Lad is now yanked into the waiting arms of Too Magnificent. His head is trapped in the front chancery before he’s elevated and planted skull first into the ring with the Midas Touch. The Original Prankster stands on top of his head before springing from the canvas and eventually falling to his knees. His eyes are all glazed over, looking to have lost all control of his bodily function.

It’s at this point that he’s taken around the neck, turned and placed in another front chancery, this time by Kingdom.

Billy: What’s going on? What’s happening!?! Someone speak to me!

Steward: I would if I weren’t so furious, and I weren’t trying to put this mascara on properly.

Porno Lad is held upside down as Kingdom makes a few rotations and eventually plants him to the ring with an Exodus Finale. The Five Star Society rep pops up to his seat, looking all discombobulated before finally falling lifelessly across the ring. His body is stretched over the ring, eyes fluttering, blood dripping from one of his nostrils.

Christian suffers much the same fate as his partner. He wishes he had stayed down the moment he staggers to his feet and is caught from behind in the clutches of the Big Crazy Bastard. AWOL pulls the arm through his legs and then hooks the other one before falling back, delivering the Daisy Cutter to a standing ovation.

Steward: I would do something about this, but my nails haven’t finished drying.

Mayne: This is like a nightmare, only with less waking up naked in class. I’m on the verge of tears here.

With Porno Lad and Christian writhing across the canvas, the heads of the Five Star Society butchered by this four on two advantage, all eyes now shift to their assailants. AWOL and Kingdom may be in severe pain but they still have the power to stand, the Tag Team Champions finding themselves paired off against Too Magnificent and Simon Cagero of the MOUSA. Both tandems look to be on the verge of picking up where they left off on the last Riot!, but again, appearances prove to be deceiving.

Instead of waging war all four men step into a peace summit, their hands interlocking and shaking.

Mayne: No…..no….no?

Steward: Tell me this isn’t what I think it is.

Mayne: It might just be, the Empire and the MOUSA are….gasp…..joining forces.

Katie: What? I don’t care about that, I was referring to this spot on my shoulder, I thought it was a pimple.

It’s hard to believe that only moments ago the fans were on the verge of a full on riot, because now their reacting as if they just witnessed the end to a Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan love saga. They’re adrenaline keeps them going despite the lack of oxygen left in their lungs. Absolutely everyone is ecstatic at the sight of AWOL, Cagero, Kingdom and Too Magnificent standing side by side, all of their arms raised high, symbolizing their union. Flashbulbs ignite from the stands and every seat is empty as the crowd rallies on.

Billy: You’ll have to excuse me. I think I’m going to throw myself off the top of the Manhattan Center.

Katie: I’ll be along shortly to join you.

Mayne: Mass suicide will be the only solution to this…..wait, it gets even worse, there’s something going on backstage involving the Five Star Society! EGADS!

The answer to Steward’s question is provided via a quick flash to the backstage area. A huge brawl has broken out with Psycho, Riggs, Adams and Suzie waging battle with the Five Star Society forces in the entrance tunnel. Ace Marshall, Robin Brooks, Kitty Buehler and others are desperately trying to reach the ring but find themselves cut off by the wall of humanity before them.

Billy: Now those three idiots are back there fighting with our Society!?!

Steward: Should I do something, should I help? Hmmm, that would involve leaving my chair, I’ll need a few seconds to think it over.

Christian and Porno Lad lay at the feet of the MOUSA and the Empire, victims of a severe beating. Their battered torsos serve as the only trophies that these four men need. After being subjected to the Five Star Society’s abuse of power for so very long they finally stand united against tyranny and in the process even the odds.

FADE TO BLACK