“What do you mean he’s at lunch? We were supposed to go over my contract. There’s gotta be some sort of loophole around this shit Lexus is up to. He swore he’d help me! …He - What? What do you mean he changed his mind? WHAT DID SHE SAY TO HIM?! …Hello?! You motherfucker!”
Seth turned to Jalie, looking livid. She quickly hid the phone line she had unplugged behind her back.
“That little bastard hung up on me!” Seth complained.
Jalie feigned surprise. “You’re kidding?! What a prick… You should fuck him up, babe.” Jalie suggested, nodding enthusiastically.
“He’s in Palm Springs… That’s not a bad idea… ‘Gimme my keys.”
Jalie tossed him his key ring and kissed him on the cheek. “Sic ‘em, baby.”
Seth stormed out of the house. Hobo Nick crawled out from behind the couch holding a half-eaten donut. He gave Jalie a stern look.
“Well, THAT was deliberate. And not very well thought out. How did you know Lexus would get to him first?” Nick queried.
“I tipped her off under an anonymous name. Shhh.” Jalie pressed a finger to her lips. “This shit is too good to end so soon. Besides, it’s not like you would have done any different.”
“Actually, I did the same.” Nick held up a cell phone, obviously stolen.
“He was speaking to me. Funny how he didn’t recognize my voice… Granted, I used a French accent because I thought it would piss him off more.”
“Are we bad people, Nick?” Jalie asked innocently.
“Nah. We’re just assholes.” Nick assured her.
[dos.] _ [cah-lee-forn-yah luvin‘]//
Jalie Thomas was combing the beach with a small digital camera in her left hand. She was wearing her usual pair of tight fitting, torn up jeans along with a white wife beater that had grease marks along the sides. Her heavy boots sunk into the sand with each step. Behind her trailed Hobo Nick, who was scouring the sand for loose change or leftover hotdogs. Each time he made a find he let out a loud whoop in celebration. Jalie had also found what she was looking for - a topless tanner. A busty blonde who hadn’t the slightest modesty. Jalie, ever the opportunist, snapped a couple of pictures before heading on down the shore.
“You know people tend to get pissed over that, right?” Nick asked.
“Bah. If they wanna bare their tits on a public beach, then they should fuckin’ expect it to wind up on the internet. Which, incidentally, is what these pictures are for. Do you know how much you can get for these pictures? The world is a fucked up place, Nick. Full of perverted voyeurs and psychos. They’ll bring about the end of the world. You know, degeneration of the human race and such. And I intend to exploit it.”
With that, Jalie raised the camera to snap another picture, but Nick stopped her.
“Hey man, I don’t think that’s a chick… I mean, the tits are fake…” Nick began.
“It’s California, Nick. Of course her fucking tits are fake.” Jalie explained.
“No, I mean it, look. A woman’s thong should not have a bulge.” Nick pointed out.
Jalie grimaced, but took the picture anyway. Nick looked at her as if she was nuts. Incidentally, she was, but that wasn’t the point. Jalie stopped his questioning with a hard glance.
“Didn’t you listen to a fucking word I said? Perverted voyeurs. Sickos. Richard Simmons. Does this mean nothing to you? This is what the world is. I’ll probably get double for that picture. The world is a disgusting place. Just think about it. Martha Stewart, Nick. Martha Stewart.
Nick shook his head, just as disappointed in society as she was. Jalie snapped another photo of the transsexual and continued down the beach. To her surprise, Nick didn’t follow. Instead, he approached the shemale.
“You know those aren’t fooling anyone, right dude?” Nick asked plainly.
It sat up, glaring at the innocent bum. “Excuse me? I am all woman, baby.”
“Prove it.” Nick challenged.
As much as Jalie enjoyed her earlier lunch, she was quite sure she didn’t want to see it again. “Nick!” She called, reaching out to grab his arm. Too late. RuPaul slipped his thong down, exposing what was most certainly not of a female nature. Nick grabbed Jalie’s camera and snapped a picture. Jalie hadn’t noticed - she was far too busy screaming.
“That is NOT supposed to be there! I‘m sure of it!” Jalie cried. She was shielding her eyes, already half convinced she’d gone blind.
“Agreed, Captain Obvious. Now let’s go.” Nick urged her away from the gathering crowd. When they reached the parking lot, he handed the camera to Jalie, who had just recently regained her eyesight.
“You owe me.” Nick said flatly.
“You traumatize me and now I owe you? I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE, NICK!” Jalie fumed.
“Yeah, well, get over it because according to you, that picture should earn a fucking fortune.”
Jalie paused. She contemplated the seeming wisdom of Nick’s bold strategy; finally coming to the conclusion that he was right.
“Fine. You get half. Get in the car.”
Nick climbed in the bed of Jalie’s El Camino, seating himself on her spare tire. Jalie climbed in the drivers side as the scene faded to black.