The scene faded in to the smallest apartment available in the state of California. In Yucca Valley, to be exact. Upon driving inside the gate, there was a pool to the left, and a parking area to the right. Our cameras follow the familiar black El Camino into it’s parking space beneath a railed balcony. Out of the car stepped Jalie Thomas, in a pair of tight jeans and a black Pantera t-shirt cut into a halter top. And Cody Carson, who‘d shed his chic Quiksilver garments for something he felt more himself in. Tattered jean shorts hung on his hips, an unbuttoned flannel shirt barely covered his chest and a pair of black flip flops covered his feet. He lifted his sunglasses and rested them on his head, looking up at the building with a slight frown. It wasn‘t posh by any means… But granted it was still nice. The walls were the orange stucco so commonly seen in the southwest. The decorative grey brick separated the pool from the street, which made the key-entry gate along the entrance to it rather pointless. They passed the row of doors into the first floor apartments and went up the stairs of the balcony. Jalie counted the doors as she passed them, sliding her hand along the rail and finally stopping at apartment number 269. Cody smirked as Jalie unlocked the door and stepped in. The apartment consisted of a tiny living room, separated from the tiny kitchen by a bar counter. Directly opposite the front door was a blah door to the tiny bathroom, and beside that, a door into the tiny bedroom. It was already furnished thanks to Jalie. An old, recycled plaid pattern couch sat in the living room in front of an old turn-dial television. A six pack of Corona was sitting on the counter, and a twin bed was tucked in the corner of the bedroom. Jalie turned to Cody with a huge smile.

“What do you think? Home sweet home, huh?” She asked, beaming.

"You paid money for this?" Cody asked crossing his arms across his chest. "The only good thing is the liquor store is only a block away." He added, very displeased. 

His eyes drifted to the stairs as a hot brunette wearing nothing but a G string bikini walked up them. Cody's mouth opened and he looked back at Jalie.

"But it has it's benefits."

Jalie smirked, knowing she’d landed him. She turned and waved to the brunette walking into the apartment next to theirs.

“Thanks Vicky.” She said.

The brunette waved in return and stepped inside. Cody looked back at Jalie, raising an eyebrow.

“You know her?” He asked.

“Yeah. Since high-school. Remember I told you about the girl I was with for a few months?” Jalie said casually.

She stepped inside and started putting the beer in the fridge. Cody followed her in, his mouth gaping.

“No, I… I think you forgot to mention that.” He mumbled.

Jalie shrugged. She used the counter edge to pop the caps off two Coronas. She handed one to Cody and took a swallow from hers. Jalie pulled herself up to sit on the counter and gaze out the only window. Through it you could see the fenced in-ground pool below.

“I think we’re gonna have a lot of fun in this place. Give you somewhere to stay, let things settle in with Carmen… And it’ll give me somewhere to party. Even when I’m not drinking Seth complains about me trashing the house. I just wanna have fun. ” Jalie grumbled.

"And the best part is I can get laid… Speaking of which you know Vicky over there…" Cody smirked. "You and her ever think about rekindling anything…"

“Nice try. Nah man… She’s become the Paris Hilton of California. I’d be more apt to sleep with Carmen than go anywhere near that nasty puta.” Jalie replied.

Upon seeing the look on his face, she started laughing.

“Don’t get your hopes up in that department either. When the hell are you going to accept that that’s never gonna happen again? Experimentation at a young age does not mean it becomes a regular activity. Just give it up.” She said.

Cody frowned and took a swig of his beer. He may have been a lot of things; white trash, a drunk, an asshole…But he sure as hell wasn’t a quitter.

He walked over and flopped on the couch thinking.  He quickly opened his cell phone and began to talk to a fake person.

"Hello?  Seth… Yeah…You see us on TV…What? You think Jalie Carmen and I should have a three some." Cody looked up at Jalie.  She shook her head and Cody frowned again. "Shit what do I have to do to get my balls licked?"

“You gotta flash a twenty down at El Gato Negro.” Jalie suggested.

“Tried. I got kicked out of there a week ago cause I beat the shit outta some dude who tried to accept the offer.” Cody said.

“Well if you went to the one by the Circle K it’s the wrong one. That’s a gay bar.” Jalie informed him.

Cody looked momentarily sick, but then understanding dawned on him.

“So that’s why the chicks were so goddamn fugly.”

Jalie nodded. “Well, I’m gonna go get in the pool before it’s swarmed with kids outta school. You know if you plant razor blades in the liner in the shallow end, they’re impossible to see?” She added.

“Yes, and then you’d be the one to accidentally step on it.” Cody reminded her.

“Ahh… Right. Ah well.” She shrugged.

Jalie headed off to the bathroom to change, leaving Cody to his thoughts for a moment. She returned wearing a Harley Davidson bikini, with a chain belly bracelet that had a scorpion dangling from the front. She grabbed a towel and her beer off the counter then headed for the door.

“You comin’?” She asked, glancing back at Cody.

"I don‘t know." Cody replied staring at Jalie. "Damn you fine?"

"Shut up, Carson,"  Jalie replied, "I‘m way out of your league."

"Pfft… Whatever." Cody laughed.

"Suit yourself." Jalie said turning and heading to the pool.

Cody turned and walked to the bar corner.  He sat down and pulled out his wallet.  He looked over his shoulder then pulled out a picture of Carmen.  He stared at it and then tossed it, he took off his already unbuttoned shirt and chain off and walked out toward the pool.  Jalie was sitting on the edge as Cody jumped over the railing and landed on the diving board.  He plopped down on it and laid back putting his hands behind his head.

"You stayin’ here tonight?  Initiating my new home?" He asked.

“I was… But it depends on what you mean by initiating.” Jalie asked. She eyed him curiously, rubbing tanning oil on her legs. She looked at her hands, frowned, then started wiping them off on the leg of Cody’s shorts.

"Getting pretty close to him eh?" Cody smirked as Jalie glared at him. 

"And by initiate I mean party.  Unless, you know…" He winked.

Jalie shook her head. She slipped off the edge and into the water, surfacing a moment later and pushing her hair away from her face. She reached up and grabbed the diving board, pulling with all her might and releasing it. Cody bounced upward, hit the board, and was flung forward into the pool. Jalie swam like mad to the shallow end and stood up, pointing and laughing at him as he surfaced looking livid. Cody started to wade toward her and stopped, instead splashing her with a streak of water. Jalie wasn’t expecting it and got it full in the face. Cody snickered.

“Yeah, enjoy it while it lasts. That’s the closest you will EVER come to getting me wet.” Jalie shot back.

Cody smiled. "Is that so…"

He dove back into the water and Jalie looked confused. She started to walk toward him and was suddenly under the water. She surfaced and wiped her hair from her eyes. Cody surfaced right in front of her.  She wrapped her legs around him and he raised an eyebrow.  "Casual sex?"

"Nope." Jalie smiled and leaned in on him. "Casually broken ribs."  She squeezed with all her might.

Through the pain Carson replied, "Kinkier the better."

Jalie shook her head. She gave him one last bone-crushing squeeze then released him.

“I suppose your skull isn’t the only thick bone in your body. Lucky bastard.” She said.

She swam to the edge of the pool and vaulted herself out. She stretched out on one of the lounge chairs after grabbing her beer. Cody climbed out after her and sat down beside her, grabbing his own beer on the way.

“So what’s going on with you and Carmen anyway? She says you guys are on again off again… Whatever the hell that means. Listen… I don’t want you to worry about me in your guys’ shit anymore, aright? I know Carmen’s not perfect. I mean how could she be, she’s related to me. And I know she’s not the, uh… Sharpest knife in any drawer… So just know that whatever happens with you guys, I’m not gonna be pissed. She can handle herself.” Jalie said. She glanced over at Cody, who appeared to be thinking.

"She and I went to a shrink.  Cock sucker said I wasn‘t right for Carmen.  She believed him." Cody said. "What about you, how’s life with Captain Limpy been?"

Jalie smirked. “It’s been… Well, sober. Unfortunately. Tomorrow he’s got me starting meetings that some chick to help with my drinking. Like that’ll fucking help. Some people drink for a reason…” She muttered darkly. Cody had heard stories of Jalie’s troubled past, but never knew what to believe.

"What do you mean…?" Cody asked half heartedly.  He slipped his shades on and laid back in a tanning chair.  "Do tell."

“Some things are best left forgotten, my friend. But I will say this. They didn’t lock me up in Atascadero State for kicking puppies.” Jalie said plainly.

“So.. You did kill him, then?” Cody asked curiously as he peered over the rim of his sunglasses.

Jalie smiled grimly as she leaned back and shut her eyes. “I never said that, either.”

Cody shook his head and flopped back onto the chair. "Women."  Both of them laughed at that. "So… I‘m sick of sitting out here…"

"I‘m hungry as balls dude." Cody said as he sat up. "You know any place good?"

“Yeah, Del Taco’s just down the street from here.” Jalie said as she stood up.

Cody raised an eyebrow. “Well, you know if you’ve got a craving for a macho burrito… You don’t gotta go to Del Taco…” He said slyly. Jalie rolled her eyes and shoved him back into the pool as the scene faded to commercial.

./scene 2\. __you want fries with that?

The cameras returned to show Jalie Thomas and Cody Carson sitting in Jalie’s El Camino outside the drive-thru of a local Del Taco. Cody was perusing the menu and chewing on his lower lip. Apparently, this took intense concentration. Jalie, however, had already placed her order of three number seven’s and a large drink. Cody finally settled for the same, plus two number fours and a number two… And an extra large drink. Their order, according to the speaker box, came to thirty dollars and eighty-three cents. Jalie and Cody shot each other desperate looks. It became quite obvious that neither of them had that amount of cash. They made a mad scramble to empty their pockets. Cody gathered what they had pooled together and counted it.

“Four bucks, six pennies and what I think is a quarter…” He sighed.

Jalie surfaced from digging under the seat with a dollar in change and handed it to him.

“Okay, five bucks.” He said. The car behind them honked impatiently. Cody leaned out the drivers side window to flip him off. “Your goddamn taco will make you just as fucking fat if you wait five minutes to eat it, ya fuckin’ prick!”

He sat back down and hit the gas, pulling up to the window with a smile to the cashier.

“Hey darlin’,” he began, laying on the charm. “You know, we changed our minds… We’re just gonna go with the fries. Ehh, and a macho burrito.”

He handed her the five dollars and took the bag she was holding, looking dumbfounded. Granted, she was blonde… But whatever…

“Might I add you look damn fine in that uniform baby.” He winked at her, letting his foot down and speeding out of the drive thru. He handed Jalie the bag with a smirk. “Here, hold my burrito, will ya?”

Jalie took the bag, then blinked, looking vaguely confused. Cody whipped the wheel to the right, then to the left cutting a couple of people off and almost getting clipped by a kid on a bike. Cody gunned it trying to make the yellow that’s two blocks away; sadly he didn’t.  Jalie shook her head as a guy with a ‘homemade’ convertible pulled up beside him.  Cody looked over and revved the engine.  The guy smiled and revved him.  A woman was sitting beside him as well.  Cody looked over at Jalie and smiled.  She smirked and sat back in the seat. "Hold on." He said, gripping the steering wheel with one hand.

The guy flipped Carson off. "Fuck you rich bitch."  He pinned it as did Carson. They were neck and neck all the way.  The apartment was coming up but Carson didn’t want to lose.  He got ahead of the guy almost about half a car length and then smiled at Jalie.

"Forgive me baby." Cody whipped the wheel and pulled the E break, sliding in front of the guy.  He pulled the E break as well, whipping into the same parking lot.  He pulled in right beside Carson and they both exited the cars.

"Hey you little fuck you almost wrecked my car." The man had long black hair and a Hardly Davidson shirt on.  He had a goatee and dog tags hanging from his neck.

"The fucking thing is about to fall apart, just like you if you don‘t back the fuck off."

The woman exited the car and walked to stand beside him.  Jalie leaned against the car and shook her head.  The woman had long red hair and a black top on.  She was in baggy cargo pants revealing a red thong.  The man smirked at Cody and looked to the side, suddenly coming at him and nailing him in the face, knocking him flat on his ass.  Cody grabbed his face and rolled to his side spitting the blood from his mouth.  The man walked up and pushed the back of Carson’s head.  "Tristan Kruise.  Remember that name bitch."  He walked by Jalie and smirked.  As the woman and Jalie locked eyes both smirked.  The woman was the first to look away as Tristan wrapped his arm around her waist.  Jalie walked over and knelt beside Cody.

“Way to make a stand John Wayne…” She teased him. Cody laughed, poking her in the ribs as the scene went to commercial once more.

./scene 3\. __meet skylar black

Our cameras return outside of a nice outdoor restaurant by the name of La Flor Roja. Obviously, it was a little Mexican joint with piñatas hung about and mariachi music being played by a band of squat little Latinos. The dented and worn frame of Jalie’s 1971 El Camino pulled into the parking lot, with an older release from Puya blasting from the speakers. The upbeat Spanish speaking mariachi music clashed horribly with the guitar strains of the Spanish speaking heavy metal band. Jalie turned off the ignition and stepped out of the car, her flame-toed combat boots hitting the ground with a deep thud. The camera panned upward to show her faded army fatigues, hanging low on her hips to reveal one of her many tattoos. She wore a red fishnet shirt to cover her arms, and over this a black t-shirt that had the words ‘Nympho, Pyro, Ego’ in a vertical list, with the single word ‘Maniac’ beside them. She lifted her sunglasses from her eyes and rested them atop her messy blonde dreadlocks, her eyes scanning the seating area. She was supposed to be meeting this wonder woman that Seth had signed her up with. A goddamn shrink.. Mediator… Whatever. All Jalie knew was that she didn’t like her. She sounded like the type who gave pep talks. And pep talks made Jalie want to die. Slowly, and painfully. Anything was better than the torture of happy encouragement and preached abstinence. Because let’s face it, folks… Abstinence is for Christians and ignorant jackasses. What’s that you say? One in the same? Well, perhaps. A perky, smiling blonde waved to Jalie from a seat near the front. Jalie groaned, knowing what she was in for. Or at least, she thought she did.

“Hey Jalie! I’m Skylar Black, I’ll be your friend and your confidante over the next month or so.” Skylar grinned broadly. The effect was supposed to be welcoming, but in fact it made Jalie that much more nervous. When she sat down she felt as though she were signing her death warrant.

“Ehh… Uhh, hi…” She mumbled.

“Oh, now we can’t have that! You’ve gotta smile, shake hands and tell me your name. Be proud of who you are, and look happy. Even if you’re having a sad old day, you can brighten someone else’s with a smile.” Skylar reprimanded her.

Jalie looked at her as though she were insane. No matter how you looked at it, one of them was crazy. And if Skylar’s sane, then I thank the gods I’m the clinical opposite. Nevertheless, Jalie remembered her promise to Seth. Grudgingly, she stuck her hand across the table.

“Hi, Skylar. I’m Jalie Thomas.” She said through clenched teeth. Skylar shook her hand.

“Oh, that’s wonderful. See? Baby steps are the most important thing, especially in special cases such as yours. Your husband tells me you have quite the violent streak! Can you believe it? Oh, but not to worry… We’ll wash our hands of that just like your, uhm, potty mouth …” She said it like it was a disgusting curse word. Jalie gaped at her, unable to believe what she was witnessing.

“Oh, but look at me getting into business before we’ve even gotten to know each other properly! Why don’t I start by telling you a little bit about myself?” Skylar asked. Jalie just nodded. The more of this she could get through without speaking, the better.

“Well, some say I’m a southern belle which I think is just sweet as can be. I have a little dog named Peanut.. But, Peanut couldn’t join us this afternoon because she had a grooming appointment. I started this little self-help venture a few years ago. I just love the feeling I get when I see others succeed, even coming from the most questionable beginnings. What about you, Jalie? What was your childhood like? I spent a lot of my time at the local park, or our Christian Community Center with my friends. Oh, and we vacationed down at our beach house in the Florida Keys. It really was wonderful. So, tell me all the details. How did you come to be where you are now?

Jalie blinked, unsure where to begin or if she even wanted to tell this woman anything. But Seth’s voice rang out in the back of her head, spurring her to start talking.

“I was born in Indio… Like half an hour from here.. The hospital was shitty. They actually game my mom the wrong kid and didn’t realize their mistake until three days later. My mom she uh.. She ain’t the smartest so she just sort of thought maybe I was a hermaphrodite. But that Jewish family got their boy back and I went home.. And uh.. Few years later Jorge.. That’s Jay.. Was born. Then Carmen. I was in baseball and soccer.. And then I started drag racing..”

Skylar let out a tiny gasp. Jalie was silent for a moment, then opted to skim over the next few years.

“So then I got into some indy promotion.. Then RWA. I ended up getting with Seth.. Bounced around companies and came here. That good enough for you?” She asked, becoming slightly irritable.

“I suppose. I was hoping for something a little more in-depth, but of course if you’re afraid we can get to that in later sessions.” Skylar said, looking put-out.

“The only thing I’m afraid of is you trying to convert me to your peachy fucking disposition.” Jalie snapped. Okay, so maybe ‘slightly irritable’ was a bit of an understatement.

“Oh dear. Well, you know I think this is good enough for our first meeting. I’ll see you again in about a week, alright? And remember, thing’s always get worse before they get better. I think we cracked open something interesting here.” Skylar stood up from the table with a motherly smile that made Jalie want to slap it off her.

“But I won’t be here in a week. We’ll still-” Jalie started. Skylar cut her off with an impatient little ‘Tut tut’.

“Ah ah ah, you won’t intimidate me with suicide threats. I’ll see you in a week. I’ll leave the details with your husband later on.. He seems a bit more personable.” Skylar gave her another sickly smile, grasped her pink purse and departed for her car. Jalie stared after her, fuming. Her brooding was interrupted by the waiter, who dropped the check for Skylar’s meal on the table in front of her.

---

Duuuuuude. What the fuck? This guy is like… Mister Rogers… On steroids. Totally danced around the shit I said, repeated it, and said he’s not blowing me off just because I’m a chick.

Okay.

That’s it? That was the grand speech from Rick’s nemesis? “Okay then, you do that too.”?

I have to say I’m a little disappointed. But oh well. I guess in all actuality I’m not all that surprised. He seems pretty preoccupied with that chick. Whatshername… Rick’s leftovers. If you ask me the whole thing is one big clusterfuck… If Chris wants to poke the bitch so bad, and she’s single… What the fuck is the big fuss? He should be glad Rick dropped the skank and saved him the trouble of weaseling his way into their ‘marital bed’. Because that would be awkward.

But hey, what the hell do I know, right?

HA! I’ll tell you what I know…

I know thirty-seven ways to kill a guy with a fucking spoon. Thirty-nine if it’s a spork. But that, my friends, is besides the point.

What is the point, you might ask? Well I’ll tell you. The point is, quite simply, that I do not have a point. Confused yet? Allow me to explain…

Why the hell should I go on, ranting and raving and verbally bitchslapping a guy that has no will to return the favor? He spent, what, ten seconds discussing his match? He’s the kind who wants the classic ‘Good, clean fight’… Which I think is utterly ironic to begin with… If it’s a fight, it’s never good nor clean… But I digress…

So, Mister Presler… I shall see you in the ring on Sunday. And don’t bother wearing a cup. Because it’s become apparent to me that YOU HAVE NO FUCKING BALLS!

Thank you and good night.