“Yeah..” she muttered. Seth’s voice could be heard on the other line.

“Hey babe. Enjoying your time alone?” he asked.

“I was...” she teased. Seth chuckled.

“Sorry to interrupt. Cody and I are about to head onto the course. I’m daring to let him drive the cart this time... Let’s hope I come home alive.” he said.

“No shit.” she replied.

“So what are you planning on doing today...?” he asked.

“Absolutely nothing... And then i’m going to sleep... And when I wake up, i’ll continue to do nothing until you come home tonight.” she told him.

“Sounds like a plan. Aright babe... Cody’s yelling for me. I’ll see you tonight.” he said. The two hung up and Jalie dropped the phone onto the couch. She laid down and turned on the tv to a re-run of Jerry Springer.

“Hello folks... Welcome back. We’re here with Joe Mama, who’s suffering guilt from having an affair... Let me get this right, Joe. You cheated on your wife, who is also your aunt, cousin and grand-daughter, with the family’s prized sheep. Is this correct?” Springer questioned.

“Well, my wife ain’t my cousin. That would just be weird. But yes, other than that... That’s correct.” the guest stated. Jerry nodded.

“Alright well it’s time to let your wife know. After all that’s what you’re here to do. Let’s bring out Shaniqua.”

A morbidly obese Swedish woman walked on stage and managed to squeeze into one of the chairs.

“Joe, I believe you have something to say... So go ahead.” Jerry prompted. Joe turned his chair to face the womans.

“Baby, you know you’re my little lovin’ bunny... But uh... There’s somethin’ I gotta tell you.” he began. His wife simply stared at him, looking unamused.

“You know Bessy. Well uh... Me and her, we been uh... We been sleepin’ together for about eight months now.” he said. Shaniqua shakes her head and gets up from her chair with a bit of a struggle.

“No... No no... God damnit Joe I knew it! All them nights you been sneakin’ out to the barn for hours at a time... And you come back smellin’ like manure and wool... Damn you Joe! I thought you loved me! How could you do it?! And with such a little slut! You KNOW how Bessy get’s around the whole damn trailer park... Dogs, coyotes, big cats... God knows what else. You don’t know where she’s been!” Shaniqua exclaimed.

“Well, we’d like to bring Bessy out so we can hear her side of the story here...” Jerry said. A bell was heard ringing as Bessy wandered onto the stage, wide-eyed.

“Baaaaaaaaa.” Bessy explained, looking at Shaniqua angrily.

“That man is MINE! He is the father of our fourteen children... I ain’t gonna let no barn-yard hussy take him away from me. You better stay the hell away from him!” Shaniqua shot back.

“Baaa. Baaaaaa. Baaaaaaaaaa!” Bessy said. A ‘ding’ echoed and Shaniqua lunged at Bessy, tackling her to the ground only to be pulled off a moment later by Steve. Bessy stepped forward and bit onto the hem of Shaniqua’s shirt, tearing it off.

“Baaaaaa.” Bessy taunted.

“Yeah? Well let’s see what you got, bitch!” Shaniqua retorted.

Bessy shook her head and the crowd began booing, before erupting into a chant of “Let’s See! Let’s See!” Bessy ignored them and sat down, chewing on the last of Shaniqua’s shirt contently.

Twenty minutes later...

Jalie sat up as the doorbell rang. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and turned to the television, where Jerry was giving his end of show speech about loving eachother, even if your loved ones happen to be barnyard animals or transsexuals. Jalie got up and slowly headed to the door, undoing the locks and inching it open to peer outside. A troop of boy scouts stood on her door step. And in the back, beaming widely, was Jay.

“I thought you were still camping, slutbag... What the fuck do you want?” she asked. Several of the boys looked startled at her choice of words.

“Today’s our day to sell beef jerky to raise money for our field trip. It was my turn to volunteer a parent driver.” Jay explained. Jalie stared at him blankly.

“Mom and dad are bothered by you. Eventually they decided they’d never be done raising you so they shipped you off to me. You don’t have parents. You’re un-wanted. How many times must I tell you this?” she said. Jay frowned.

“I didn’t volunteer them. I volunteered you, Lielee!” he said, seemingly brighter. Jalie’s face went from confused to a look of absolute horror within seconds.

“...So i’m supposed to drive you and your little cronies around the block for an hour?” she asked.

“Well, all around town. For about three hours.” Jay corrected.

“And what’s to keep me from dropping you off across town and leaving you there?” she questioned, raising an eyebrow. Jay sighed.

“I figured you’d say that. We’ll split the earnings with you fifty fifty.” he said.

Jalie considered this for a moment. Finally she grabbed her boots and began sliding them on, and the kids let out a little cheer. Her head snapped up.

“If any of you so much as breathes louder than a dead man’s whisper, i’ll ring your necks with spiked gloves.” she threatened.

She zipped up her boot and grabbed her car keys, shoving past the group and passing by the SUV to climb into the driver’s side of the El Camino. The group looked at her strangely. Jay, knowing this situation, quietly followed and climbed into the back of the El Camino. The rest soon followed. Jalie started it up and backed out of the driveway as the last kid to climb in lost his footing and tumbled over the side. She didn’t seem to notice, and kept on driving. A few minutes later she eased to a stop in an expensive looking neighborhood.

“This should work. I used to pretend to be homeless here all the time when I was younger. Pity money. Hey, kid,” Jalie motioned to one of the boys that was climbing out of the back. “Limp. It adds to the effect.” she ordered. They grabbed their wagon full of beef jerky and lugged it out of the back, before heading toward the first house. Jalie watched them for a moment before leaning her head back. The second her eyes closed, Jay was there, pounding on the door. She jerked forward, smacking her head on the wheel and causing the horn to sound. She threw the door open and smacked Jay in the nuts, stepping out of the car and glaring at him.

“WHAT?!” she shouted. The boys behind Jay seem nervous. Wouldn’t you be?

“We sold one!” Jay exclaimed. Jalie stared at him blankly, before smacking him upside the head.

“So go to the next house, you fucking mistake!” she said.

Jay hung his head and the group turned to head back down the street. She climbed back in the car and leaned back, staring at the roof. Finally she started the car, turned it, and headed home.

.Dos. Hobo Nick was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea when Jalie walked in. She tossed her keys on the table and sat down across from him, rubbing her temples.

“What bit you in the ass?” Nick asked, taking a sip from his cup. She dropped her head on the table, her face smashed so that her speech was barely audible.

“So... Fucking tired..” she mumbled.

Nick nodded slowly. “I’ve got just the thing.” He got up and began making another cup of tea. Beside the stove were two sugar bowls. Nick grabbed one, turning back to look at her as he used a teaspoon to scoop some into the cup.

“You look like shit.” he noted, setting the cup down in front of her.

“What is this?” she asked him, eyeing the contents carefully.

“It’s tea. Drink it.” he said bluntly. Jalie stared at him for a moment before lifting her head and downing the entire cup. She grimaced, shoving the mug away from her.

“That was fuckin’ nasty... What’d you put in it?” she asked. Nick frowned.

“Tea and sug-... Oh.... Shit. Oh shit.” He frantically got up to look at the sugar bowls, letting out a tiny whimper. He whipped around to stare at her, his knuckles ghost white from gripping the counter.

“How you feeling, hun?” He asked.

Jalie’s eyes were growing wider by the second. “Nick... What did you do to me?” she asked softly. Nick gave her no response. She got up and stumbled into the living room, digging through the couch and frantically searching for her cell phone. Nick ran in and grabbed her, forcing her to sit down and stare at the pretty light of the television.

“I want Seth.” she said, tilting her head back to gaze in wonder at the ceiling. Suddenly her head snapped forward and she glared at Nick.

“What did you do?!” she demanded. Finally Nick wandered into the kitchen and brought back the sugar bowl. Which, as you’ve probably guessed, did not contain sugar, but cocaine.

“What do you have that for?! I thought you were off!” she yelled.

“I am! Your cousin left it here a while ago. He said it was the instrumental white powder in figuring out Nicolas Flamel’s formula for making gold... Or something like that. The guy’s a flake.” Nick explained.

By now Jalie’s eyes were no longer following Nick, but rolling all over the room in amazement. Her hand suddenly found her phone, and she pulled it out of the cushions to begin dialing Seth’s number. Nick grabbed the phone from her and tossed it behind him.

“Do you know what he would do to me if he found out? He will kill me... And not in a simple way. He’ll make use of the basement in ways YOU never thought of before!” Nick was panicking now, attempting to run his fingers through his hair but getting them caught in the tangles. Jalie suddenly got up and darted for the front door. She threw it open and dashed outside, with Nick trailing. She made it to the edge of the front lawn when Nick tackled her. He glanced up to see the neighbors staring at him.

“What? Don’t judge me!” He shouted. He grabbed Jalie around the middle and dragged her inside, as she broke out into a horrible rendition of ‘the song that never ends’.

“This is the song that never ends... It just goes on and on my friiiiiieeeendsss.... You’re my friend, right Nick? Because if not... I don’t know... Do we have Kool-Aid?” she asked.

Nick managed to get her back in the house. He sat her down in front of the tv and turned it on. Jalie stood up and brushed off her pants, heading upstairs.

“Where the hell are you going?!” Nick demanded.

“To the fucking bathroom. I have a right to go where I please in my own house, you filthy bum.” She replied angrily. Nick seemed convinced. She went up-stairs and he turned back to the television. After about fifteen minutes he turned to the news. A short Asian man was giving a report outside of the local police station. And Jalie was behind him, making faces and hissing at the camera. Nick shrieked as the scene faded to black.

.[Violence].

Alexia.

Hello darling. How are you feeling? Nervous? Sick? Like the devil herself is breathing down your neck? You see... That’s because she is. I’ve watched you since your debut. Not because I was interested in your progress really, but because you seem like one of those people who is undoubtedly going to cause trouble for themselves. I watched you spout off about being different. How you’re not the average woman, that you prefer to fight guys, and about how you intend to prove yourself to be one of the top women in wrestling. Do you know how to accomplish that, Alexia? It’s simple... You take out the competition. You defeat all those that are ahead of you, in the running for that title. People like Allisa O’Toole. But you didn’t quite get that done, did you?

Now... I know, that i’ve stated that I am different than most women as well. But i’ve also proved it. Ask anyone around you. I have a reputation as the undisputed baddest bitch in this business... One that no one in their right mind would argue with. I break women like you. I end the careers of women like you. I faced three women exactly like you in my first match here and I nearly killed two of them... The other didn’t dare show. So what the fuck makes you think you’re any different? Are we supposed to be in awe of you because you said so? It doesn’t work that way.

Maybe you can take my advice into consideration. Shut the fuck up. You’re not impressing anyone with words. Make an attempt to do it in the ring. I’ll admit, you did well against those three guys. But that was one match. Your reputation is zero right now. Admit you’re a damn rookie. Admit you have a lot to learn. And focus your energy on doing well in the ring.. Instead of spouting off bullshit that no one is going to buy. It’s really that simple.

Fin.

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