'lawrence jarvis'
The scene cuts back to the arena. The ring is carpeted with a tile like finish. In one corner of the ring sits a marble sink, in another a marble toilet bowl. In the center of a ring is a huge hot tub, bubbling hot. Sitting in the hot tub is the bleached-blonde head of The Idol Bill Dynamite. He sits back and grabs the mic sitting on a table near by.
Bill Dynamite
Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The reason an extra 10 million viewers worldwide tuned in tonight. The reason this arena sold out on record time. The reason I’m sitting in a hot tub on a wrestling show… Yes, It’s time for Bill’s Big Bath. Now of course, this is a chat show, and for those of you who tuned in to The Hot Spot, I hope you’ve woken up, because this is no ordinary chat show. This is the unscripted, un-edited, unadulterated PREMIER television show in the world. Fuck Carson, fuck Leno, fuck Parkinson, and fuck Letterman… THIS is the place to be and I’m about to tell you why… My first guest here in px:w’s version of Bill’s Big Bath, is a man that I have had the pleasure and maybe displeasure of meeting one on one in the ring, on more than one occasion. This man was the first man to have EVER pinned Bill Dynamite for the win in singles competition. This man, not too long ago lifted the All Pro Championship to add to his long list of wrestling achievements… Ladies and Gentlemen… I give to you… The Franchise, Lawrence JARVIS!
The lights fade to a golden glow, "To Kill A Stranger" by Fozzy starts blasting out over the PA System and the fans all raise to their feet, some are cheering but the majority are booing. Smoke starts filling the ramp as the pyros explode and Lawrence is standing at the top of the ramp. Lawrence has come dressed for the occasion in some Union Jack swimming trunks. He poses and then starts to walk down the ramp, he's covered in smoke and at times it's hard to see him. The music picks up and pyros go off up the ramp as "The Franchise" steps into the ring.
Bill Dynamite
Now Lawrence, before you enter this bath, legally I must warn you that I am completely starkers under these bubbles and any contact with Voyager is completely coincidental...
Lawrence Jarvis
Billy D, don't worry about it, just keep that viper of yours over there and off my legs... I don't want to get constricted...
Bill Dynamite
Understood. Now firstly I'd like to ask you if you'll be joining me in the bath naked or will you be wearing those snazzy yet patriotic trunks?
Lawrence Jarvis
Well... Normally I'd be keeping these bad boys on if I was anywhere near you, but since it's a special occasion I'll be taking this sexy bitches off...
Bill Dynamite
Wow, the ladies sure do love that. And some gentleman, might I add. More than there should be too... at a wrestling event. Of all places… Unbelievable. Should be ashamed.
Lawrence Jarvis
Well just to make a point completely clear I'm no mo ok?
Bill Dynamite
Right on, brother. Me neither.... nope... definitely not. No gayness here... no sir.
Lawrence Jarvis
You sound a bit nervous, so I'm going to guess you're either a homophobe or... You are hiding a little secret and that thing poking my leg isn't the soap...
Bill Dynamite
Oh that’s your leg... that’s a relief. I was starting to feel a little self-conscious
Lawrence Jarvis
That doesn't surprise me... I heard backstage you stepped out of a shower and got attacked by the early bird... You know what I mean?
Bill Dynamite
From what I’ve heard, you're always the longest in the shower, Jarvis.
Lawrence Jarvis
What? I don't like man sweat on me... Not a big deal...
Bill Dynamite
Ahem... if we could move on to more pressing matters. I'd like to talk about the biggest shit to be going down since my trip to India last year... Yes, I'm talking about the fact that Cody Clark is banging your lovely daughter, Kimberly... and on a regular basis I might add.
Lawrence Jarvis
Sorry to be a pain in the arse Bill, but I'd rather you didn't refer to my daughter in that way... The whole banging thing isn't cool and I'd hate for this little get together to end on a sour spot...
Bill Dynamite
Well I apologise for the slightly robust language... But in reality, that IS what's happening and when I first found out, I pissed my pants but it seems over the past few weeks it's taken a rather ugly turn. It seems to have turned nasty.
Lawrence Jarvis
Yeah, I think Clark has finally started to realise just what he's gotten himself into, first off he goes behind my back and starts dating my daughter, then they get married and he shows absolutely no respect to me and it's now at the stage where if I have to, I will beat that respect into him...
Bill Dynamite
Just like any self-respecting father would do
Lawrence Jarvis
Exactly, I don't think I'm being unreasonable about the whole situation. Cody needs to understand...
Bill Dynamite
Well let me tell you this, Cody understands how to party. For his bachelor party, it was ME he called to be his best man, not that nob-jockey Scott Palmer. We went out there and smoked so much of that pancake it was unreal. And I tell you what, we hit Vegas with the biggest celebration it has ever seen... it's just a shame you couldn't come along for the ride.
Lawrence Jarvis
Bill If I’d have been there, I would've ripped Cody’s voice box right out of his throat so that nobody could hear him screaming and begging for his life... Oh and speaking of Vegas... I beat Seth Dryden, something that no other eWo'er ever has done, including yourself...
Bill Dynamite
A round of applause for Lawrence Jarvis... please, everyone... Give him a standing ovation, in fact. Champion this man, sitting next to me, for he beat Seth Dryden last week... Only, you fail to mention, it was your son-in-law that came to your rescue and took Dryden out for you, wasn't it?
Lawrence Jarvis
I had Dryden beat, yet it puzzles me as to why Clark and Ellop decided to stick their noses in, do they know what they have done? Bill you know as well as anybody else that when it comes to the big stage, that's where I shine... So why help me out? Let's face it; if it's either one of them that get to the final, then they will get beaten by the man!
Bill Dynamite
Well I think it's obvious that Cody has his sights on the final and that World Championship. And what better way would there be to win the world title, than to beat his father-in-law for it, on the biggest stage of them all.
Lawrence Jarvis
It's a delusional fantasy that we both know won't ever become a reality... Cody Clark has fucked with the wrong person this time and he'll be lucky if he does somehow make it to the final to make it out alive... Let alone with the World Championship
Bill Dynamite
If you two go head to head, for that World Championship at The Crowning, we will witness one of the classics of our time.
Lawrence Jarvis
Definitely, but if anyone expects Cody Clark to pull off some miracle then you are just as delusional as he is
Bill Dynamite
One thing is for sure... whether you win that strap... or Cody... Or Ellop or Dryden for that matter, we all know... you, me, this bunch of hicks in the crowd, we all know that the champion will simply be a paper champion, until the true hero comes back to take what’s rightfully his... and by that I mean... ME, The Idol, Bill Dynamite.
Lawrence Jarvis
Sorry to disappoint you Bill, that point counts for Dryden, Clark and Ellop... But as far as I go, you aren't even in my league anymore... While you've been sitting on your arse I've been busting my nuts in this competition and not even the great Bill Dynamite can stop me now...
Bill Dynamite
As you'll notice, that almighty gut that used to hang on my waist is gone, all but a few love handles. I'm back in shape, I'm feeling damn good, and you better believe I'm feeling nearly as fresh as that sweet piece of arse, Kimberly Clark... Oh but wait... she's not so fresh anymore is she? Since Cody's been fucking the shit out of her night after night!
Lawrence Jarvis
(Laughs)... You're funny Bill, really funny... Let me make this crystal clear to you... I am The Franchise... I am the reason all of these people bought tickets and despite what the voices in your head tell you... There is only room for one Franchise Player...
Jarvis lunges at Bill and puts his hands around his throat. Bill fights but the momentum takes him under. Dynamite struggles and splashes as Jarvis holds his head under the soapy water. Out of nowhere come security who grab Jarvis and pull him away from Bill and out of the water, one security guy has to censor Lawrence’s modesty with his hands. Bill’s head snaps up out of the water and he spits some out. He grabs the mic that’s now on the floor. He grabs his throat and speaks croakily.
Bill Dynamite
Ladies and gentlemen… He’s been The Franchise Lawrence Jarvis. I’ve been Bill Dynamite, you’ve been wonderful, and this has been Bill’s Big Bath… Goodnight.