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'the promo: episode one' After a week of frantic contract negotiations, Bill Dynamite FINALLY signs a deal with EWO. Despite Bill’s head being firmly placed up his own ass, he was able to negotiate using a code of very precise muffles and grunts. Arse Code, if you wish. Billy F’n D made his usual ridiculous demands that he deemed ‘imperative’ to any big-shot wrestler in his dressing room, including; Nail File, Peroxide bleach, a full list of local Indian restaurants, a good flush, Britney Spears’ latest album and a poster of Scott Palmer (Used for place mat, coaster and general wiping up duties. “Palmer, the stronger soaker-upper… Palmer"). It was announced that ‘The Idol’ would start his World Title hunt against Paul Dream in the 1st round of the tournament. Of course, Bill and his well-known backstage politics probably had a say in avoiding the bigger names such as Dylan Dunn, BioCyde and to a lesser extent, his good friend Former x2w International Champion, Czecher. But lets not underestimate Paul Dream. Granted, Bill had never heard of him, but Bill hasn’t heard of anyone outside of his own family. Bill doesn’t care much for anybody’s reputation but his own. It’s difficult to concentrate on someone else when you have a picture of yourself permanently fixed in your head. Not to mention a portrait of yourself in every room of your house. Some say Dynamite’s ego has now grown larger than Alaska, but it’s last official measurement showed it was only 3 quarters the size of Texas. In the past, Bill has shown that preparation for a big match requires many cans of beer, several shots of vodka and a night of partying and womanising that would make Rod Stewart look about as entertaining as Al Gore. Prior to his x2w debut, Bill had to be rescued from some angry midgets by good friend Notoriou$ after a particularly harsh night on the tiles. And before his Semi-Final World Title Tournament Match in dWo, he was arrested backstage for an assault on a man in a men’s room. But despite preparation not being ‘Bill’s thing’, he decided to give the partying a rest for one night… Until… TV: Are you bored…? Bill: Yes… TV: Are you sitting at home watching television? Bill: Yes… How did you know…? ((Watching TV in your underwear, eating Ben & Jerry’s without a spoon is normal, right? Well in Dynamite’s World it is. So deal with it… Ass. Bill was watching his new favourite show Without A Trace, when this exciting commercial took his attention.)) TV: Do you like fun fun fun? Do you like girls girls girls? Bill: Yes Yes Yes! TV: Then you HAVE to call 1800 BIG JUGS, that’s 1800 BIG JUGS and talk to the HOTTEST chicks in America 1 on 1… Bill: I gotta call this motherfucker… ((Dialling)) Girl: Hi you’re through to 1 on 1 girls, after the tone leave your name and one of our HOTT girls will answer your call… Bill: Hi… My name is… Uhh… Czecher… Girl: Hi Czecher… That’s a sexy name… Bill: Well I’m a sexy kinda guy. You know what I mean? Wait a minute… I know that voice… Girl: I don’t think so. Bill: I do… I know that voice. Mrs Palmer? Scott Palmer’s Mum? ((Click – Tone)) Bill: Hello? Hello? Am I on hold hold hold? Dammit. I nearly had a chance with Scott Palmer’s Mum… She’s HOTT! Makes you wonder how she could create such an Ugger for a kid. Ooh wait a sec, Without A Trace is back on. Agent 1: He left the living room at 19:00, he was seen entering the bathroom at 19:02, and it’s now 19:36… What happened in those missing minutes…? Agent 2: Could he be taking a shit? ((Agent 1 knocks on Bathroom door)) Voice: I’m taking a shit, do ya mind? Agent 1: Another mystery solved. Bill: Damn this second series has really gone down hill. ((Bill’s night didn’t end there. I know, I know… What could he POSSIBLY do next? That’s right. House Party. 150 of Bill’s closest friends turned up. Strangely, only about 6 other guys turned up and the rest of the party was filled with what seemed like the ‘Busty Babe Anti-Clothes Convention’. Bill somehow got it into his head that he could dance. Dance like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. But in reality he dances like a white guy (I know Travolta is white, but he’s an exception), not surprising considering he weight’s around 280lbs. His arms and legs can’t move without knocking a glass off a table AND HE’S WHITE! When Bill was finished with partying like it was 1999 and dancing like it was 1989, he decided to step up onto a table and deliver a true drunken Bill speech. After studying the speech, here’s how it was translated.)) Bill: Ladies, Gentlemen… And whatever the hell you are… (Pointing to an Eric Poyntz look-a-like in the front row) You’re here to celebrate The Idol’s return to the squared circle. Sunday, August 8th, Bill Dynamite will kick off EWO’s 1st ever show, aptly named Violence, by kicking seven shades of shit out of Paul Dream. Paul Dream, I didn’t wanna bring this up, but one of EWO’s slogans is “People who suck, need not apply”. I suggest you look this over and seriously consider turning up for our match. You’re a cruiserweight and I’m a heavyweight… Voice From Crowd: And WHAT a heavyweight. Bill: Shut up, you. So I’ve put on a few pounds, I’ve not wrestled for 9 months. November 2003 was when I last fought. It was scheduled to be the x2w’s boss Andy Harmon & Eric Poyntz teaming up against ‘The Idol’ Bill Dynamite and a man coming back from retirement, Scott Palmer. But there was one problem. 2 minutes into the entrances, it became painfully apparent that Scott Palmer was not going to show up. In fact, as Harmon talked about the imminent Handy-Cap match I realised that Scott Palmer had never been booked in this match at all! So forward I went into this match, which soon became a royal ass kicking for the Razzmatazz of Show Bizznazz. I lost the match by falling unconscious while held in the Golden Gate, the pain was too much. All I could see was stars and my career being washed away with my blood as it soaked into the mat. This haunted me for too long. I couldn’t sleep without thinking how they screwed me over in that ring that night. But I was offered a chance, a chance to be number 1 again. AJ Epic came to me and told me I was still wanted here in wrestling. So I signed on that dotted line. And 9 months of anticipation will end when ‘All About The Benjamins’ hits that Citrus Bowl in Orlando, Florida. When ‘The Idol’ steps into the ring once again show his dominance in this great sport and show the World that my bite is a lot bigger than my bark. But who do they put me with? Paul Dream… Paul Dream… A cruiserweight hoping to take on the big-time. A man who hasn’t had the pleasure of seeing Bill Dynamite stand over his prone, bloody and beaten body. I’m bigger than you in height and weight, I’m bigger than you in personality. It’s an ass-kicking contest and I got bigger boobs than you. (Revised translation: “I got bigger boots than you.”) Sunday Night will be Dynamite’s night. Never mind the “Main Event” of Dylan Dunn and Victor Bolinger, the Main Event is right here, the Main Event is a man called ‘The Idol’ Bill Dynamite and he is the number 1 draw in Wrestling today!! ((Yes, that’s cheers you can hear. I don’t think anyone really understood what he said, but the point was made. He’s the Idol. He’s the Main Event. He’s the Number 1 Draw in Wrestling today… He’s most definitely The EgoManiac… And he sure as hell has his head up his ass. Needless to say, Bill can talk the talk, but the true test is on Sunday August 8th when he has to walk the walk against Paul Dream. Bill Dynamite has arrived in EWO and despite nobody knowing quite what’s up Bill’s sleeve, one thing is for sure… Alcoholics Anonymous will very soon have a new member.))
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