EgoMania Idol
Just as I begin to speak, there’s a knock at the door. I give Kevin a wink as I open it. In walks my brother, The Franchise Lawrence Jarvis. He moves his shades to the top of his head and nods in Kevin’s direction and slaps me on the back.
“That’s your plan?” Asks Kevin. “Uncle Lawrence? Uncle Lawrence is your big plan to win the BodyCount Rumble? That’s your GENIUS plan?”
Lawrence gives Kevin a mean look, obviously feeling quite insulted.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Asks Lawrence.
I slap Kevin upside the head and he cowers like a naughty puppy.
“God, Kevin… You’re such a disappointment.” I say as I turn to my brother. “Nice of you to show up, LJ. I heard about Merlin. Sad sad news. He was one of the good guys, old Merlin.”
“Yeah, it’s sad.” Lawrence begins. “He was part of the family, you know?”
Lawrence takes a deep breath, sighs, and sucks it all back down.
“Sometimes pets can be like children to us… I wish one day I have a son.” I say, ignoring Kevin.
“What about me?” Asks the fruit of my loins.
“I mean someone who isn’t such a failure.” I say bluntly. “Or at least straight.”
“You’re alright, aren’t you Kev?” Says Lawrence, with a condescending tone. “You’re just taking a while to figure out your sexuality. It’s OK, we all get curious.”
“Fuck you guys!” Blasts Kevin. “I have a girlfriend.”
“It’s true.” I say to Lawrence with a look of disbelief. “She’s hot too. Although I have no idea what she sees in this… this… stick of shit.”
“I don’t know, Bill.” Lawrence starts again. “Maybe she’s into the short, dorky, camp, mentally disturbed look. So how about this plan?”
“An Audition!” I begin. “I call it… EgoMania Idol. I have some guys lined up to audition to be in the greatest faction known to man; EgoMania. The winner gets a place in the BodyCount Rumble and will of course, as a member of EgoMania, help me win it.”
“What… the… fuck?” Lawrence says in disgust. “Are you serious? We’re auditioning people for EgoMania? Are we letting anybody in now?”
“Yes! Auditions!” I say abruptly. “Look, there’s only three of us in EgoMania and one of us isn’t even in the BodyCount Rumble. We need to branch out. Strength in numbers, Lawrence! Not only to protect my arse from elimination, but to take out certain targets… and the number one target for termination is ‘The Standard’ Erin Jacobs.”
“Woah woah…” Lawrence interrupts. “What about Reno Drake? He’s another top target. Don’t forget about me, you dumbass! Did you see what happened to me on Violence?”
“No I was getting a facial. I never watch the show unless I’m on it. I go to this guy in the town centre. Julio his name is. He’s very good. It’s where I get my tan done… Oh and he does a marvellous back, sack and crack wax.”
“Really?” Lawrence asks. “I might have to steal his number from you. The Franchise is getting a little hairy around the old Franchtesticles.”
“Anyway. As I was busy getting my crack waxed, I had my assistant George line these guys up for us.”
“When will they be arriving?” Asks Lawrence.
“You didn’t notice the guys waiting in reception?” I ask.
“That was them? Holy crap. You know you’ll turn us into a laughing stock. More so than the ‘Clast!”
“Who’s first on the list?” I look around for my clipboard. “KEVIN?!!”
“I’m right here, Dad.”
“Hand me my clipboard.” Kevin picks up the clipboard that was right in front of me and places it in my hand. I look at the huge list of three names and call the first audition in. “Kevin, call in Mr R Kelly.”
“Seriously?” Asks Lawrence, his eyebrows nearly jumping off his head.
“Yeah, why? You know him?”
“Mr R-Kelly! Is this a joke? Come on, you know R-Kelly!” Lawrence begins to rap. “it’s the remix to ignition, something something get your ass back in the kitchen…”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I shout. “Have you been smoking the old wacky backy with Erin Jacobs?”
“No but he has…” Says Lawrence, as this black guy walks in with shades and a bandana on his head. His jeans are around his arse and he bowls over like he has a problem with his leg.
“Yo wus crackin’ fools.” Says Kelly.
“So, Mr Kelly…” I begin. “Tell us a bit about yourself.”
“Well you know, man, I make music, you know? I’m a musician.” He says while taking a drag of whatever shit he’s smoking.
“Oh really?” I ask. “A musician huh. Anything I know?”
Lawrence buts in. “Bill, I just sang you some of it.” Lawrence says shaking his head. “You did that song Ignition, right? Something about smacking some old lady and forcing her into the kitchen… that shit was dope!”
“Yeah man…” Says Kelly. “Ignition, Happy People, I believe I can fly…”
“Nope.” I butt in. “Never heard of it.”
“Ok so moving on.” Lawrence says, losing his patience. “Why should you be in EgoMania?”
“Well I got the style, you know what I mean?” Kelly says, while I nod along. “I know what it’s like to be famous. And also, I hear you wrestlers get a lot of young pussy on tour. So I was hoping that you could hook be up with some jailbait ass, you know on the quiet so I don’t get the feds on my ass again.”
“Young pussy huh?” I say nodding.
“I’m sorry…” Lawrence says waving his arms. “This just seems like a waste of time.”
“What? He’s a nice guy…”
“You are so blind. He’s only in it for the ass. Ok I know you are as well, so we can only have one in EgoMania. It would only cause problems. Not to mention the legality of the pieces of ass he’ll be picking up.”
“Kevin…” I try to get him involved. “You’re quiet, what do you think?”
“I don’t give a fuck.” Kevin says, eyes down looking at his PSP, probably playing eWo Violence. That game is so unrealistic. I look like a fat tub of lard.
“Ok fair enough.” I say. “Next!”
“Thank god for that.” Says Lawrence, arms crossed.
“Bring in… Mini Bill… Mini Bill? What the fuck is this shit?” I ask loudly.
“Now we’re getting somewhere!” Says Lawrence, getting excited.
In walks a little dwarf, no more than three feet tall. Problem being, he’s dressed up exactly like me. He’s a little Idol. Apparently he and Jarvis used to be boys back in the day. He waddles in and gives Jarvo a wink and the gun.
“It’s a yes from me already, I don’t even care what you guys think.” Says Lawrence with a big smile on his face.
“What the hell… He’s no older than 6 fucking years old!” I shout.
“R-Kelly would like him…” Mumbles Kevin under his breath.
“PIPE DOWN MAGGOT!” Shouts Mini Bill. “I’m more of a man than you could ever be, just ask your old lady!”
“He’s got a point, Bill.” Lawrence says, leaning over to me.
“I… I don’t have an old lady.” I say calmly. “Second of all, does your mother know you use language like that?”
“Your mum didn’t complain when I was calling her a dirty bitch!” The little guy shouts.
“woah hold up there…” Lawrence interrupts. “You know we’re related, right?”
“I don’t give a fuck! I’m a frikkin’ tripod, baby!” He shouts again.
“Are you with a parent or guardian?” I ask him.
“I was with yours last night!” He says, pointing a finger in my direction.
“Shut up!” Says Lawrence. “Seriously, why should you be let you into EgoMania?”
Mini Bill pulls down his trousers and slaps out what at first I thought was a python, but was in fact his giant cock. Lawrence looks at me with his jaw hitting the table.
“Do you have a licence for that thing?” I begin. “Just wait until you hit puberty, that things gonna be off the chart!”
“Don’t speak to The Idol like that, son!” shouts Mini Bill, obviously thinking he really is the real Bill Dynamite. “I might have to DynaMighty your arse right here!”
“I’d like to see you try…” I say, stupidly. Mini Bill sets off like a Pit Bull and starts grabbing and biting my leg. “Aaahhhh! What the… Get this thing off of me!”
“You don’t want none of the Razzmatazz of Show Bizznazz, bitch!” He screams between bites.
“Get him off, get him off!” I scream. “He’s slapping me with his… love length!”
Jarvo grabs his by the throat and dumps him down on the ground.
“I told you this was pointless…” Says Lawrence, throwing his pen down.
“It’s a no from me… Kevin?”
“Nope.” Kevin says, not even looking up once.
“Are you even paying attention?” I ask.
“Nope.” He replies.
“Lawrence?”
“I told you this was a stupid idea. But it’s a yes from me anyways.” Lawrence says rubbing his eyes.
“Well it doesn’t matter if it’s a yes from you, it’s 2-1… he’s out. Now get the fuck out of here you little pixie bastard!”
“If it doesn’t matter why ask me…” Lawrence says under his breath. “…twat.”
Instead of leaving, Mini Bill decides to run around and play chicken with the furniture. I just ignore him and get on with the auditions.
“Send in number three… Nijs Landzaat!”
In walks Daniel Singh, a well dressed man, accompanied by his monster, Nijs Landzaat. Landzaat has chains across his body attached to a harness held safely in the hands of his much smaller manager, Singh. Landzaat spots Mini Bill running around charging everything in sight. Landzaat breaks free from the harness with ease, making me wonder why Singh bothers to put it on him in the first place, and picks Mini Bill up by the back of his neck. Mini Bill tries to throw punches but he’s too far away from Landzaat’s head. Landzaat looks at the little bastard and growls at him before launching him across the room and through the glass window.
“Shit!” I say. “We’re on the 12th floor!”
“Holy shit!” Lawrence says as he runs over to the window. He looks down in horror.
“Pixies can fly though, right?” I ask.
“No but they can bounce!” replies Lawrence.
“Greetings, I am Daniel Singh.” He begins. “I am the legal and rightful owner of Nijs Landzaat. Nijs, do say hello to the Gentlemen.” The beast says nothing. “Nijs?” Nothing again. “Ok, he’s just a little cranky from his catnap.”
“Does he speak English?” I ask.
“A little. Please try not to pick fun… He can sense when you are mocking. Please do not mock. And DO NOT touch. I repeat, no touching!”
“Should I shake his hand?” I ask.
“Idiot.” Says Lawrence, sighing and shaking his head.
“Bare with me…” Says Singh. “Landzaat, these are my friends. My buddies.”
“Friends?” Says Landzaat.
“Yes that’s it. Friends. Nice people.” Says Singh.
“Hey big fella… Want a lolly pop?” I ask.
Landzaat lunges forward with a swipe of his giant hand, nearly tearing my face off.
“See, I said no mocking. Rule number one.” Says Singh. “I’m sorry about that but do remember there’s a midget compressed in gravel outside.”
“My apologies.” I say, caressing the face I just nearly lost. “Lawrence, some questions…”
“Fucks sake…” Lawrence begins. “What is uh… your speciality?”
“Landzaat has an array of different talents.” Singh begins. “From reading Cat in the Hat without taking a single breath to lifting a concrete slab with his pee pee.”
“That’s all very impressive. But I don’t see how that’s gonna help me in the rumble.”
“Bill…” Lawrence interrupts again. “It’s all well and good me asking these questions but where’s the charisma, where’s the personality? He’s not going to fit in, it’s a waste of time.”
“Easy Lawrence…” I say quietly. “I see potential in this… this thing.”
“Whatever…” Lawrence throws his pen again and sits back in his chair with his arms crossed.
“Charisma?” Singh begins. “What more do you want? He’s already destroyed the one you call Mini Bill. And if you want anything else destroyed, just a snap of my fingers and he’ll do it.”
“Landzaat… Will do it.” Says Landzaat looking into space.
“How will he know that in the rumble he’ll protect me?” I ask.
“That’s up to you.” Says Singh. “If you want his assistance, you need to spend quality time with him. Take him fishing, go to the park. Things I do day in day out. Look at me, fresh as a daisy, not a scratch on me. I take care of him, he takes care of me. It’s like a carnie code.”
“You are kidding, right?” Asks Lawrence.
“I don’t have time to take this motherfucker fishing! I need him Sunday, to be on my side, kicking ass and taking names!” I shout.
“Yeah…” Lawrence starts. “I mean seriously, we’re not running a fucking daycare.”
“I can push him a little on the swings tomorrow, if that helps…” I suggest.
“The proof is in the pudding…” Says Singh.
“Mmmm Pudding.” Says Landzaat
“Whatever he hits…” Says Singh. “He DESTROYS!”
“I’m not questioning his hugeness…” I begin. “I just need to know he’s on my side in the rumble.”
“I think Landzaat needs a hug” Says Singh.
“Me?” I ask, pointing to my chest.
“Yes you.” Replies singh.
“Come on, Lawrence. You too.” I say desperately.
“Seriously?” Asks Jarvo.
“Yes! Now stop being a fag and hug this man!”
“Fine!” Says Lawrence as Landzaat slowly opens his huge arms. Jarvo gives me a nudge forward and I begrudgingly give landzaat the most awkward hug known to man. After a few seconds and some encouragement from Singh, Jarvo joins in.
“FRIEEEENDS!” Says Landzaat rubbing his face on mine.
“I think you will go far in the BodyCount Rumble.” Says Singh, rubbing his hands.
“So, it’s a yes on Landzaat from me. How about you, Lawrence?”
“Well…” Jarvo begins. “As much as I enjoyed the hugging, No. I’m sorry. He’s too unpredictable. If he goes crazy, we’re all in danger. This is a waste of time Bill. I told you it would be right from the start, but would you listen? Would you buggery! It’s stupid! We’re supposed to work with some guy who can’t even speak English?”
“For gods sake, Lawrence!” I shout. “I know you’re upset. We all are. We all loved Marvin. But you have to pull yourself together man!”
“MARVIN? It’s Merlin you dumb fuck!”
“Who or what is Marvin?” Asks Singh.
“It’s just a bloody cat, Lawrence!” I shout. “Get over it. Jeez you’re gonna blub like a bloody woman!”
“CATS?!” Landzaat says, getting panicky. “CATS?! ALL AROUND ME! ALL AROUND ME!”
“Oh god… what’s he doing.”
“Singh, calm him down!” I say.
Landzaat starts freaking out, throwing chairs across the room, taking random swipes at anything that moves. I cower into my chair.
“Look what you’ve done!” Shouts Singh at Lawrence and I. “Easy Landzaat, easy. Think of happy things. Baywatch. Tracy Bingham… Pamela Anderson…”
“Yasmin Bleeth.” I suggest.
“Ricki Lake” Says Jarvo, not helping.
“Maury Povich”
“Please stop… He’ll overheat.” Says Singh.
“So is this a yes? Kevin?” I ask. “Bearing in mind that if you say no I will have him crush you.”
“Yes, whatever.” Says Kevin.
“So… Are we all…” Singh turns to Landzaat. “FRIENDS?”
“Yes we are.” I offer my hand to Singh but Landzaat grabs it and pulls me close in a tight embrace. Jarvo sits laughing his ass off as my lips turn blue. I give Landzaat some friendly slaps on the back.
“Buddy… haha…” I say, using every bit of breath I still have in my lungs. “My friend. Ok get him off me, I’m losing the feeling in my legs.”
Landzaat drops me to the floor and I crawl up to a vertical base. Singh pulls on Landzaat’s reigns and they leave. Landzaat turns his head and waves in our direction. Lawrence and I both waves and beath a sigh of relief.
You see, eWo? I’m not taking this rumble lightly. I’m not going at this with a ‘see how it goes’ idea. I’ve got it all planned out. Firstly, I will be entering at number thirty by beating Erin Jacobs earlier in the night. But if there is a freak accident and somehow Jacobs gets a 3-count on me, then I’ll be coming in at number one, and that’s where my plan comes into play.
Recruitment is the key. Without recruits, EgoMania is just three of the most successful guys in wrestling hanging together. But where’s the cannon-fodder? Where’s the back-up? That’s what I’ve been trying to get done. I’m organising the future of EgoMania and the future of wrestling, for after I’m gone.
The first recruits are Nijs Landzaat and his manager Daniel Singh. This monster is a natural born wrecking machine. So he may not have the best win/loss record, but he’s a killer, not a wrestler. His technique as a wrestler needs a lot of work, but his killing ability is not in question. He can seek and destroy, he is a valuable weapon in my bid for success in the BodyCount Rumble. With this beast on my side I can go all the way. He can wear those idiots down, and I’ll dump them over the top like the superstar I am.
The second recruit is waiting in the wings. I’m done my homework and I’ve done my scouting. The newest recruit of EgoMania will rock the foundations of eWo. When I unveil him to the rest of EgoMania at BodyCount, there will be some looks of surprise and a few claps of applause in appreciation. I will go to any lengths to win the rumble, and you’ll see what I mean on Sunday.
But is that it? Is that all I have? Recruiting two people in the Rumble? Well, not exactly. You see I’ve hand my fingers in a whole lot of pies this week. I’ve contacted many wrestlers in the BodyCount Rumble. I’ve made many lucrative offers including a place in EgoMania, if their performance impresses me. You see, boys of eWo, if you’re listening, helping me win the BodyCount Rumble will get you a very nice cash bonus and a place among the elite here in EgoMania. Don’t try and do it alone, don’t try and be a hero, join us and eliminate the targets.
And after that, what’s left of my plan? Is that enough to win me the rumble? Well let me tell you, other than those reasons, just why I’ll be walking out of BodyCount the number one contender…
I’m The Idol Bill Dynamite!
I think you people may have forgotten, I may not have had the best months in eWo, but whether you like it or not I am the greatest wrestler walking this planet and every single one of you know it. I’m not in that eWo hall of fame for nothing, I’m there for a reason, and that reason is I am the biggest name to have ever graced eWo. I am one of the most successful wrestlers not only in this company, but in the industry all together. I’ve won World Title after World title, tournament after tournament. I belong in the main event, and it’s about time that I will get my chance at Supremacy.
You see, whoever the champion will be, Czecher or Legend, I’ve beaten them. I’ve beaten both of those suckers and I’ll easily do it again. Legend can use excuses all he likes but he knows I’m better than him then and now and there’s nothing he can do about it. I hear him saying to Czecher that he “stole” the World Title. But Legend, I’m afraid nobody stole anything. YOU dropped the ball, Legend! You were in a Hell in a Cell match, and you didn’t win it. The man who did won the title, and that so happened to be Czecher. So stop creating excuses to make yourself look better because in fact it makes you look even more pathetic. Czecher and I have both beaten you more than once in the past and we can both do it again. I just want the chance at Supremacy to once again beat your overrated arse and take a title away from you in a way where you cannot say it was stolen. I’ll not only take your title, but I’ll take your self-belief, that unwarranted ego of yours, and every ounce of breathe out of your lungs. In a strange way, I hope it’s you I meet at Supremacy so I rid the world of the overrated, self-proclaimed Legend once and for all.
But first, on Sunday, it’s the Rumble. EgoMania versus eWo. My EgoMania boys will be there to help the greatest wrestler alive go on to his rightful place in the main event of Supremacy. If you join us, well done to you, you’ve made the right decision. If you cross us? Then the punishment we will bring upon you will not be worth it. The pain and suffering we will give you in the Rumble is not worth a chance to get a shot at the title.
And finally, Erin Jacobs. When I walk into the rumble, it may be at number one or it may be number thrity, but whatever happens I hope we run into each other. I want to personally eliminate you from the rumble and send you packing into retirement. I know how much this number one contendership means to you, and that’s why it’ll bring me immense pleasure to snatch it away from you at the last second. You will regret ever fucking with me, Jacobs, I guarantee it!
Beware eWo, EgoMania is on the rampage!
