[ There's only one person you can trust. And if I have to tell you exactly who that person is then it's obvious you've never been screwed over or taking part in destroying someone. Staying up late at night with nothing but time to think allows you to flash back on things you wish you could take back, as well as things you wish you would have done differnt. The old saying goes "He who doesn't learn from their mistakes are destin to repeat." No fucking shit! Sometimes I do wonder how differnt things would have been for me had I not married Shawn Walsh and chose Damien Sparks. Lord knows there was no way in hell I was going to take Sean Lane over either of them. Sean Lane once was so strong someone I felt could have left not only an impression in Sports Entertainment but a huge legacy behind. Instead his only legacy is being my bitch. What woman wants that? Ok...well maybe some women want men they can control. I am certainly not one of those women. Conflict and friction are always good to a point. Always getting along leads to no passion and is rather boring. There's just something about raw emotion of angery sex that takes things to another level.

It's probably part of the reason I had chosen Walsh. Lane was done as far as I was concerned. Doing charity work and actually giving back to people wanting to make it in the wrestling business. Why the hell should we give back? I know the road I took to get here wasn't an easy one. Contests like Tough Enough or a Diva Search are bullshit to me. Those people will never know what it's like to drive eight hours to wrestle for three hundred people and not even make twenty bucks. You wrestle for the exposure. You wrestle because it's in your blood and you feel that you would die or not be complete if you couldn't. You wrestle because one day you know that one day you'll be able to say "fuck You" to everyone that said you couldn't do it. These people know nothing about that and have been handed something that they shouldn't have. See what happens when I'm not allowed a glass of wine?

These are some of the things I think about at night while Rick sleeps. I think about Sean Lane, Damien Sparks, and yes even Walsh. I think about exactly what each one meant to me, and the path not taken. If I chose Damien then I probably would be living in Canada and might even have a kid or two. If I chose Lane would be married to a man that left the glitz and glamour to be a school teacher. But I picked Shawn Walsh to be with. No matter what happened between us it's something that I do not regret. I sure as hell couldn't deal with the cold ass winters of Rochester, NY and being the wife of a school teacher. And Canada is a hell of alot worse. Not mention the fact that Damien started to turn a bit soft. God I really hate that, which is why I did pick Walsh. He never allowed me to walk on him. Cocky, arrogant, with a fuse shorter then almost anyone I know. My God he really knew how to turn me on. I thought that Rick had those same qualities in him. After all he is "The razor" the man cuts people he wrestles. In a sick way that's sorta sexy...twisted? Yes but still sexy none the less.

Slowly I crept from the kitchen carrying my glass of water back to our room. I at first thought about turning on the light when I walked into the room but decided against it. Sliding my feet out of my fuzzy black slippers I placed my cup on the night stand next to my bed. The light from the balcony glimmered through my sheer white curtains. I have said it before and will repeat it..there's isn't much that can beat having a house in South Beach Miami. I could have chosen to live any where I wanted, but didn't. This is my stomping grounds...my home. Taking off my white silk robe I slipped into bed but didn't feel tired. Reaching for my water I carefully took a sip and softly placed it back down. Rick didn't feel me get out of bed or even notice that I was squirming a bit. As I looked at him I couldn't help but think aloud.]

Brandi James: "What have I done?"

[ barely touching him, I moved my hand from his wrist up to his shoulder, as I wondered this.]

Brandi James: "Oh God Rick....I think I made a mistake......."

[ Yep that's right folks...You heard it. I finally have spoken the words aloud. Words that have been running through my mind for the past few weeks now. ]

Brandi James: "I had an interesting conversation not too long ago with a source that will remain name-less who informed that the times you have divorced and re-married Tiffany were too many to count. I believe the exact quote was "show Rick Young a bit of midriff and he's in divorce court." Gee that's almost enough to not make a girl feel special. And here I was thinking that I pulled off something great....Looks like I was wrong about that...."

[ I wonder exactly how true that statement told to me was. Never the less I sighed as I looked at the man that is going to be the father to my child.]

Brandi James: "Was I completely wrong about you? Do you have any fire at all in you? Or is the attitude a facade? Just something that you want people to fear but really can't take to another level. You seemed tough, like a no nonsense type of man. This whole trinity thing confuses me...what she says puzzles me. You're not being completely honest."

[ Truth be told I really don't give a shit who Rick lies to or decieves as long as he's honest with me. I mean there's nothing better than a good mind game. Was I the one being played this time? Oh hell no...It takes alot more than that to put one over on me. I looked long and hard at his big strong arms, studying his face as he slept. I suppose almost hoping that it would reveal something...What I do not know...but I had a bad feeling about everything going on. And the one thing I have learnt from the past is to trust your gut instinct.]

Brandi James: "Fuck...You've become a God damn trained puppy! I've already had one of those...It's the reason I had left Sean Lane..because he just followed my lead....I won title after title and gave them to him because he didn't have the balls to do what it took to get to the top himself."

[ Then it hit me! As I gasped placing my hand over my mouth. A look of fear crossed my faced..]

Brandi James: "Oh No! No! You can't! You can't do this to me! You have to prove me wrong Rick! You can't be like Sean Lane! I hate Sean Lane....I hate the gut-less, nice guy he has become. I hate the nice-ness in his interviews. Sean Lane if cut would bleed sugar! You can't be Lane....Oh God Rick...please don't make me hate you!"

[ Just as I started getting all worked up an all emotional, Rick turned on his back and slightly opened his goregous brown eyes. You know I don't care what anyone says about him. I don't care that Jimmy makes fun of him because he claims his hair is thinning. I don't care that Jalie dis-likes him. To me, Rick Young is just that sexy. His big chest, big biceps, wide shoulders. How the hell could he rape someone? I mean the long eyelashes, dark eyes, sexy lips. Who wouldn't want to be fucked by him? I looked down at him in a new light. The man I have chose is nothing more then my lap dog. Jesus Christ if you exist help me now. Rick sat up a bit and stretched. A bit dazed and with a raspy voice asked.]

Rick Young: "Baby...what's wrong? Are you ok?"

[ Really I didn't know how to answer that. I wanted to shake him, and make him tell me the whole truth about Trinity. I wanted to tell him no matter what it's us against everyone else. I wanted to slap the every living shit out of him and tell him to reach down deep to the son of a bitch, I thought I saw at one time. Sadly enough none of that happened. He wiped the few tears that were falling down my face and wrapped his arms around me. There was one last thing to try. Passionately I kissed him....one of those deep long, passionate kisses that reach down deep inside you and make you weak in the knees. I looked at him and demanded.]

Brandi James: "I want you so bad...I need you to fuck me Rick."

[ Softly rubbing his nose against mine he layed me down, and gentely began to kiss me as he ran his hand over my breast.]

Rick Young: "I love you Brandi...."

[ Tossing my head back and forth...I screamed...]

Brandi James: " I know already!.....I don't want you to love me right now....I want you to fuck me..."

[ Tightly I wrapped my arms around him and dug my nails into his back...and slowly dragged them down. Rick arched his back and then got fully on top of me as I wrapped my legs around his waist.]

Brandi James: "You need to do this....I can't make love to you right now....I want it rough...I want it hard...and I want you to make my heart race."

[ I placed my hand on the back of his neck and forced him down to kiss me. I kissed his shoulder and then his neck leading up to his lips...which I gently bit....This is the test right here....I need this to try to prove myself wrong. Oh Jesus Christ....I do hope that I'm wrong and he's not going soft on me...The one thing I know is.. I can't handle and won't have another Sean Lane.]