Brandi James-Young: "Awe...come here Nolan..."

[ I picked him up from his crib and sat down in the rocking chair that my dad had given to me for Nolan's nursey. This was all so new to me, having someone depend on me this way. I pulled down the right half of my shirt and began to breast feed while rocking him a bit. Looking down at him, I just still can't believe how unbelievably cute he is. Sure I know every mother thinks her baby is the cutest baby in the world but Nolan really is with his dark hair and dark eyes. ]

Brandi James-Young: "I'll make a deal with you....After this let's say for once you try to sleep since mommy only put you down 15 mins ago..You eat now, and then let mommy get some rest too...deal?"

[ I said some what laughing knowing full well this kid obviously had no clue as to what I was saying.. While I looked down at Nolan I didn't notice Rick enter the nursey and staring at Nolan and I while I breast him. Rick was smiling at the two of us... ]

Rick Young: "Now that is a beautiful sight."

[ I turned my head to the back a bit, and saw him standing there..then looked away and turnend so he really couldn't see me.]

Brandi James-Young: "Rick get out! Now!"

[ I didn't have to look to know that Rick was standing there looking at me with a confused look on his face. ]

Rick Young: "Why? I can't watch my beautiful wife breast feeding my beautiful son?"

Brandi James-Young: "No! You can't! Now get out! i mean it Rick...NoW!"

[ Ok so I'm sure you think I'm making a big deal of this correct? Just go with me on this..I'm sorry but no man will think of his wife as sexy or desirable if he see's her breast feeding. I don't want to be thought of as Donna Reed goody goody home maker, I still want to be the Playboy Centerfold men want, and let's face it...with a kid attached to my boob it's not likely going to make me playboy material.]

Rick Young: "Fine...you win, but I don't see what the big deal is."

[ Rick said, as he turned around to leave the nuresy. I didn't say a word to him. I just looked down at Nolan as I rocked him and watched his eyes begin to close a bit.]

Brandi James-Young: "Daddy just doesn't understand baby.."

[ Gentely I pulled him away and burped him. Thankfully the kid actually did as he was told and was asleep in minutes. I layed him down and fixed myself a bit. Then I turned the baby monitor on and left the room shutting the door only half way. Rick was standing out in the high way near the door still when I came out and he smiled at me slightly. ]

Rick Young: "So how is mommy doing today?"

Brandi James-Young: "I would be doing much better if you weren't sneaking up on me like that.."

Rick Young: "I wasn't sneaking up on you....I just wanted to see how you and Nolan were doing."

Brandi James-Young: "Well, rest assured me and my son are doing just fine thanks.."

[ without a second thought I walked down the stairs towards the kitchen to where the other baby monitor was. I turned it on, then opened the fridge to get some fruit salad. It wasn't long before Rick came in ot the kitchen behind me. He looked at me while he slipped his hands in to his pants pockets and said... ]

Rick Young: "Oh just to let you know...I will have the new name plate for our son's replica title I had made for him."

[ Rick said, as he grabbed a glass out of the glass cabinet. ]

Brandi James-Young: "I'm sure Nolan will be thrilled with that.."

[ I answered back placing the bowl of fruit sald on the counter and getting a spoon and bowl. I looked at Rick as I filled the bowl.]

Brandi James-Young: "want some fruit salad?"

Rick Young: "No thanks...not that hungry I am just going to get a glass of chocolate milk."

[ Rick said, as he walked over to the fridge, but before he gets there he stops long enough to kiss me on the cheek before he does. Once he is standing in front of the fridge he opens it up and then reaches in to pull out the jug of chocolate milk and pours some of it in to his glass before putting it back in to the fridge. ]

Brandi James-Young: "Ofcourse you don't want any fruit salad..it's good for you..what am I thinking? Cuz chocolate milk is a whole lot better.."

[ You would think that my good eating habits would have rubbed off a bit on Rick by now. No such luck...I'm sure if it was McDonald's slop he would have been all for it. Oh well...no point in trying to get him to eat anything good for him.]

Rick Young: "Sorry I have never been that big on the health food craze, but I am really not hungry or I would have some I promise."

Brandi James-Young: "Health food craze? Rick's it's fuckin' fruit salad not soy hot dogs or some crazy shit like that...it's watermelon,strawberries,blue berries,tangeries,cantelope with pineapples...you know fruit salad...christ..."

[ Oh well more for me. I took what I wanted then put it back in the fridge as I squeeked by Rick, and headed for the living room taking the baby monitor as the last thing on my way out of the kitchen. Rick stood in the kitchen for a moment drank down some of his chocolate milk before he followed me in to the living room carrying the glass with the remaining milk. ]

Rick Young: "So sweet heart what do you say about us going and staying in Ragley for a little while?"

[ Rick said, trying to smile innocently. ]

Brandi James-Young: "I say you go have fun...is what I say."

[ Was he kidding? I can't leave Miami now...there are way too many things going on.]

Rick Young: "Why just me? Why can't you and Nolan come with me? You want to keep lil' Nolan away from photographers and that would be the ideal place for that."

Brandi James-Young: "He'll be fine here..besides I just didn't want his picture taken while we were in the hospital. Eventually a picture of him is going to come out..but it will be when I decided. Besides...I have people who want to come visit and see him."

Rick Young: "Like who?"

Brandi James-Young: "Like Shaq...Besides Shaq is having a huge party at his house, and since he knew I wasn't at the Heat games due to having Nolan..it's a must I attend."

[ Yeah, like he didn't know..then again maybe he really didn't. eh, didn't really care. I took a bit of my fruit salad and just eased back into the couch. Rick just looked at me for a moment and then smiled as he thought of something... ]

Rick Young: "Is Shaq the only one, because if he is I am sure he wouldn't mind having to go to Louisiana to see Nolan seeing as Shaq is also from Louisiana."

Brandi James-Young: "Trust me, he won't want to go back there..not when this city is treating him like royalty..And no I have other people visiting...like Cyprus, Jalie, Seth...among others...so no Nolan and I will not be going to Ragely anytime soon..."

Rick Young: "Alright, but sooner rather than later he is going to have to, because we can't always expect my family to fly out over here to see him."

[ Rick said, but that paused for a moment before saying... ]

Rick Young: "Besides from the pre-finalized card for Capital Punishment we are going to be in Louisiana for the show."

[ Maybe Rick's been hit over the head too many times, or something..yeah that has to be it.]

Brandi James-Young: "I'm not sure if I want to go to capital Punishment....I'm really not book per say...and psycho girl can always fill in for me..oh and as far as your family goes..If I decided to stay home then they can come see me. My idea of confortable isn't a double wide trailer..you know.."

Rick Young: "I know that...that's why I had a three story house built for you as a wedding present for you. I guess you forgot about it, but that's okay."

[ Rick said, just before he started to take another drink from his glass of milk, but as he does he turned his back to me. ]

Brandi James-Young: "Yes, I did...cuz I never plan on going on there..that could be the reason why...I don't know.."

[ A bit bitchy? Hmmm maybe, but was only the truth. If he wanted to turn his back to me fine...I just continued to eat my fruit salad anyway. Besides I figured there would be a game on. I picked up the remote and lucky for me there was. The Red Sox vs The Phillies...lucky for Rick, Curt Schilling was pitching since Josh pitched yesterday, and won incase you're interested.]

Brandi James-Young: "Oh good, Curt's pitching.."

[ Rick finished the chocolate milk in his glass and then left the living room and headed back in to the kitchen for a moment. He was only gone for a little bit before he come back in to the living room with out the glass. He looked at the television and he could care less about either team the only thing that he cared about was the fact that Josh wasn't pitching today. The only baseball team that Rick cares about is The Chicago White Sox and they have been on quite the streak this year coming off their World Series win last year. ]

Rick Young: "So...what are we doing tonight other than watching this game?"

Brandi James-Young: "I don't know..just wanted to see the score."

[ Looking at the tv the game was well at hand with the score 5-3 and the young gun pap taking the mound. I shruged and shut off the tv. Then put my bowl on the coffee table and reach over the side of the couch. I lifted up a box wrapped in shiny blue paper, then set it on my lap.]

Brandi James-Young: "And if you want to open this you can..but that's up to you."

Rick Young: "I want to open it..."

[ Rick said, as he looked at the box wondering what was inside of it as he sat down on the couch net to me and the box. ]

Brandi James-Young: "Alright then.."

[ I handed him the box and slid next to him. Rick took the box from me and looked at it for another minute as if he having second thoughts about opening, but then does. He rips open the shiny blue paper and then lifts the box top off of it and tosses it to the side. He then moves the wax paper to the sides and then sees what is inside of the box...an empty, but quite expensive photo album. Rick looks at it for a moment and then pulls it out of the box and starts to flip through the pages to check to see if there is anything hidden inside of it, but like I said it's an empty photo album. Once he finished looking throught it he put it down on his lap and looked at me... ]

Rick Young: "A photo album?"

Brandi James-Young: "Yeah a photo album.."

[ Rick looked at me for a moment longer and then turned his attention back to the photo album looking at it for a few more moments and then turned to me kissing me slightly. ]

Rick Young: "Thanks sweet heart..."

[ I couldn't help but laugh at him. Hell if that had been Walsh it already would have gotten tossed and I would have been asked "what the hell is this shit?" just goes to show you how differnt they are I suppose. Anywho..I tapped rick on the knee.]

Brandi James-Young: "Well I'm all for not giving you an explanation..if you're happy with the empty photo album as is.."

Rick Young: "To be honest with you sweet heart...it's not what I expected, but face it I am just used to the higher standards of gifts you've given me...I mean for Christmas and my birthday you set them pretty high seeing as you agreed to marry me..."

[ Rick said, before pausing long enough to kiss me once again. ]

Rick Young: "You added me to the deed for this house, but most importantly you told me that you were pregnant. Those are some pretty big shoes to try to fill and beat and at the same time my mom taught me to never question a gift."

Brandi James-Young:: "True, but it's empty on purpose.."

[ I softly then leaned over and picked up a small photo book I had in my pocketbook to remove a picture. Keeping the picture close to me, I leaned back and rested my head on Rick's shoulder.]

Brandi James-Young: "The reason it's empty is so that way you can filled it with all the pictures you want of us and our son..So we can fill it with happy memories...here..."

[ I handed Rick the first picture for the book of Nolan, him and myself in the hospital a few hours after Nolan was born. Rick looked at for picture for a moment and held on to it while he started to smile at it before he slipped it in to the photo album adding the first photograph in it. Even after he put it in the album he looked at it a little more before he he turned to look at me and then said... ]

Rick Young: "I see...sweet heart now only if I had something for you."

Brandi James-Young: "No need, it's your father's day gift..."

[ stretching up a bit, I kissed his cheek.]

Brandi James-Young: "Oh, and just so you know..I made up some bottles in the fridge as well for Nolan..so incase you want to feed him you can..and if I were you I wouldn't drink the milk in the yellow container."

Rick Young: "Okay thanks...but why can't I?"

[ Rick said, as he started to smirk slightly towards me. ]

Brandi James-Young:"cuz it's breast Milk..that's why."

Rick Young: "Well I figured that much, but that doesn't explain why I can't drink it..."

[ Rick said, but then paused for a moment before he smirked some more and then said. ]

Rick Young: "Don't worry I won't try to drink it."

Brandi James-Young: "Good..I don't think you'd want to drink my breast milk..that's just sick."

Rick Young: "I wouldn't rule out trying to drink it, but if I were to going to I much rather do it from your breast than a glass."

[ Rick said, as he slightly laughed a little. ok wouldn't you have hit him? Fuck yes you would have..and I did just that.]

Brandi James-Young: "You sick fuck...that's so gross...I don't even want you watching me breast feed Nolan..never mind the thought of you drinking my breast milk...'

Rick Young: "Ouch...can't you take a joke..."

[ Rick said, as he looked at me while he moved the photo album from his lap to place on the coffee table in front of us. ]

Brandi James-Young: "Sure when the joke is funny, and that clearly wasn't. I'm serious Rick, I don't want you sneaking up like that watching me feed Nolan that way. I mean once he's on a bottle and stuff then it will be differnt."

Rick Young: "I am sorry, but I just cant understand what the big deal is...your doing something that is natural and I can just see why it would bother you for me...your husband and Nolan's father to watch something like that."

Brandi James Young: "Rick, I guess...Never mind I didn't think you'd understand."

[ Which was a total lie, because I thought he would understand. I was so wrong, and just decided to maybe not talk about it further. Rick just looked at me for a moment and then turned his attention to look up at the ceiling. ]

Rick Young: "No go a head and tell me, because it is obviously something that bothers you and I want to understand it."

Brandi James-Young: "I'm not sure, if you will understand. You'll just probably think I'm silly anyway...So never mind."

[ Slowly I sunk back into the other end of the couch, and layed my feet across Rick's legs.]

Rick Young: "Try me..."

[ Rick said, as he looked down at my legs and then started to rub the calf of my left leg with his hands. ]

Brandi James-Young: "It's just that there is nothing sexy about breast feeding at all. And I'm known to be sexy all the time. And once we are finally able to have sex again, what if you don't look at me the same? I mean, when you start kissing me, and kiss my boobs, I don't want you to associate that with me breast feeding...Ugh...I can't explain it.."

[ It was more difficult than I thought to explain how I'm feeling to Rick but I tried my best. The thing I'm known for is being desirable to men. And to me there is nothing sexy about breast feeding.Rick continued to rub my calf on my left leg for a few more seconds and then switched to the right leg doing the same rubbing the calf muscle. ]

Rick Young: "Okay...I can understand that...even though you will always be sexy to me, but seeing as it bothers you than I will give you and Nolan privacy when you are breast feeding him."

Brandi James-Young: "Thanks.."

[ I couldn't say anything else but that. I felt so unattractive and awkward. Like Rick was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I grabbed the throw pillow and put it under my head,just starring around the room in my own little world.]

Rick Young: "Your welcome...so sweet heart are you coming with me to the show this week or staying home seeing as all I am doing this week is refereeing the main event?"

Brandi James-Young: "Where's the show again.."

[ I asked with barely any tone to my voice. You know I really can't wait till I start feeling like myself again. I've never felt like this before, so uncomfortable in my own skin.]

Rick Young: "Still in Mexico...in Guadalajara I think."

Brandi James-Young: "hmmmm, I guess..."

[ I sighed, as I began to twirl my hair around my fingers.]

Rick Young: "You don't have to if you don't want to I just thought that you would want to seeing as your father and that Jamie girl have been ruining the Fiasco the last couple of weeks."

Brandi James-Young: "Nah, that's ok. I really don't need to see you and your girlfriend getting all friendly with each other. So I'll just stay home with my son."

Rick Young: "She's not my girlfriend...well in your father's dreams she is, but that's it."

Brandi James-Young: "It's fine Rick, you don't have to lie to me. I know how your sex drive is, and I guess...she's pretty..if you go for smutty blondes. Just go have sex, and try not to kill yourself referring.."

[ Man, this was crazy the mood I felt. I just lifted my knees up and put my arms around them, looking blankly out the window across from me. Rick looked at me for a moment and then cocked his eye brow at me. ]

Rick Young: "Okay feeling okay sweet heart?"

[ Rick said, as he was looking at me as if he was thinking about taking me to see a doctor. ]

Brandi James-Young: "Yeah, I'll survive.."

[ I answered back in a flat tone, then shifted my eyes down to floor, and looked at my toes.]

Brandi James-Young: "Maybe if I paint my toe nails pink, they'll look cute."

Rick Young: "I am sure they would look fantasic."

[ Rick said, as he continued to look at me as if he should take me to the doctor's as if I was suffering from Postpartum depression. ]

Brandi James-Young: "Eh, maybe..."

[ I shrugged, still looking down at the floor trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Before I knew it, I put my head against my knees and began to cry.]

Rick Young: "Brandi...what's wrong?"

Brandi James-Young; "Just...Just...leave me alone.."

[ there was no point in pretending like I wasn't crying. I felt my warm salty tears dampen my skin, and tried to softly whimper to myself. I was some what able to get my tears under control but still didn't want to admit to myself that rick just doesn't want me after having the baby. Being beautiful has always been my number one quality. To feel like I'm something less now, really began to destroy me.]

Rick Young: "Come on Brandi tell me what's wrong."

[ Rick said, as he pulled me in to his arms and begin to hold on to me. ]

Brandi James-Young: "just go pack...and leave me alone."

[ I pushed myself away from him, and curled up in the corner of the couch, and wiped my eyes. Rick just looked like a blur to me, I blinked a few times fluttering my eye lashes, and softly said.]

Brandi James-Young: "Promise, me that you'll at least wear bring protection ok? You never know where those girls have been...believe me, I know about that.."

Rick Young: "Brandi I am not leaving you the most I am going to do right now is drag your ass to the hospital if I half too."

Brandi James-Young: "Did you not hear me? Go fuckin' pack.."

Rick Young: "I did hear you, but I am not going anywhere."

[ Rick said, and then stood up from the couch and started to walk towards the phone. ]

Rick Young: "I am going to call your mother to get her to come watch Jesse..."

[ Rick stopped for a second when he realized that he said Jesse instead of Nolan, but then quickly finished what he was saying... ]

Rick Young: "I mean Nolan while I take you to the hospital."

Brandi James-Young: "Oh, forget your own son's name so quick..."

[ I stood up and knocked the phone out of his hand. And got in his face.]

Brandi James-Young; "If you even think about taking me anywhere, you better believe I will scream and tell anyone who will listen that you kid napped me. Then I'll have you tossed in jail."

Rick Young: "I am sorry...I am still not totally use to calling our son Nolan yet...seeing as I was set to call him either Rick jr. or Jesse, but that is neither here nor there, because it's obvious that you need to see a doctor."

Brandi James-Young: "I'm not going anywhere...Only you..infact.."

[ Quickly I ran up the stairs, and flung the closet door open. I grabbed Rick's black travel bag and began stuffing it with his clothes and anything else I could grab. Rick quickly followed me up to the room and came up behind me and grabbed me. Rick held on to me and then started to pull me away from the closet and his bag. ]

Rick Young: "I am not going anywhere I am your husband damnit Brandi."

Brandi James-Young: "You have a show to go to...Now let me fuckin' go.."

[ Granted Rick is a hell of a lot stronger than I am, but I tried my best to wiggle out of his arms.]

Rick Young: "I do have a show to go to, but I don't have to go for another couple of days. I rather spend the time with you and our son."

Brandi James-Young: "Don't bullshit, me...I know what you're all about..Stop lying to me, I'm trying to give you a fuckin' out! Before you leave me like you left Tersea cuz I can't fuck you."

Rick Young: "I don't want an out...and I am not going to leave you or our son."

[ Why I didn't believe him, I don't know, but that didn't stop me from slapping him straight across the face.]

Brandi James-Young: "Liar, you fuckin' pack your shit then."

[ Rick didn't even pay any attention to where I slapped him across the face. Instead he just looked at me and then said... ]

Rick Young: "You want me to leave...fine I'll leave, but not until after you've seen a doctor, because I don't want you hurting our son while you are like this...then and only then after you've seen the doctor and still want me to leave...I will."

Brandi James-Young: "I love Nolan, I'd never hurt him. How dare you think other wise."

Rick Young: "I know you love him...like you love me, but look at you baby...you are trying to kick me out and I am your husband."

Brandi James-Young: "I'm trying to do what's best for both of us..by both of us I mean Nolan and Me..."

Rick Young: "I don't see how cutting Nolan's father out of the picture best for him. I love the both of you and protect the both of you no matter what."

Brandi James-Young: "I'm allowing you to leave, cuz I can't do what you need..It's best this way. Rick, you left Teresa for this very reason...I'm not going to give you the chance to make me look stupid."

Rick Young: "Brandi I would never make you look stupid like how I did with Teresa, because one thing that you are not you are not Teresa."

[ No shit! Way to go captain obvious! I didn't have it in me to fight. Hell, I didn't even know what I was doing any more, I felt so far out of control and I really hate that feeling. I just stopped and looked at him, then sat on our bed. All I wanted was to feel wanted the way I use to. Hell since Nolan has been born Rick hasn't even kissed me, sure a peck here and there but not like he use to. How can I not think things were strange. Especially since this was a man who couldn't keep his hands off of me.]

Brandi James-Young: "Maybe, I'll just lay down, while Nolan is sleeping.."

Rick Young: "Maybe you should seeing as you have been doing the bulk of taking care of Nolan. So why don't you lay down and I will take care of Nolan if he wakes up."

[ Rick said, and then walked over to the bed and lead down to kiss me on the lips. ]

Brandi James-Young: "No, I can take care of my son. Just leave the door open on your way out so I can hear him, when he cries."

[ See? Do you see? A peck here a peck there..Nolan was born on June 10th, and not since before that has Rick really even touched me. I can't help but feel so lonely, and unwanted.]

Brandi James-Young: "Or maybe just bring the monitor up stairs, I left it in the kitchen.."

[ I layed down and took a pillow wrapping my arms around it, searching in my head for what my next move should be.]

Rick Young: "I can take care of Nolan for a little while you can take care of him all the time sweet heart...you'd wear yourself out, but I will go down to the get the monitor and bring it up here."

[ Rick said, and then left to go get the monitor and he wasn't gone long. He came back in to the room and then placed the monitor on the table next to the side of the bed that he sleeps on and then climbs in to the bed and wraps his arms around me. ]

Brandi James-Young: "What are you doing?"

Rick Young: "I figure I would lay here with you until you fall asleep."

Brandi James-Young: "Great, cuz that's just what I want."

[ I rolled my eyes, cuz it wasn't what I wanted but I suppose beggars can't be choosers.]

Rick Young: "What do you want...other than me to totally leave?"

Brandi James-Young: "I shouldn't have to tell you...never mind Rick.."

[ Rick just looked at me for a moment before kissed me passionately on the lips. ]

Brandi James-Young:"Maybe I should go check on Nolan?"

Rick Young: "You can if you want to sweet heart, but I rather you just lay here with me for a little while until Nolan wakes up."

[ Rick said, as he wrapped his arms back around me. ]

Brandi James-Young: "Alright...maybe we should get some sleep.."

[ I cuddled up next to him and just closed my eyes to drifts off to sleep..hopefully it will bring me a bit of peace.]