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It’s been months since Seth has been around, but it’s nothing new for him. His whole career he seems to wrestle a few months then takes a few off. Will it ever end? Probably not. Upon this return, however, he has something waiting for him - a title shot. He’s had two chances at the continental title and two at the world title so far in his stint with the AWA, but still remains without a trace of gold. Why is that, you may ask? Well, ask his critics and they’ll say he chokes at the chance. Ash him and he’ll tell you to fuck off. It’s true he’s lost more title matches than won, but still has an impressive record for those who keep track of such things. Some may say he puts too much pressure on himself, others say he doesn’t put enough. Either way, somebody has an opinion, even if it’s not welcome. So he figured he’ll start at the bottom, get he feet planted, then work his way up. Sounds like a plan, providing it gets underway.
“Look out below! Fire in the hole! And other such cautionary statements!”
Jalie’s cry rang through the adobe-style household shortly before a gruesome, spiked, human-shaped contraption came tumbling down the attic stairway, narrowly missing her husband. Upon hearing his yell, she poked her head out from the trap door. Her hair was ruffled and sticking out in odd places. On her head she wore a battered welding helmet over a black bandana.
“Did you not hear my precautionary statements?” She questioned, flipping up the lid on her helmet to raise one partially singed eyebrow at him.
“What the hell are you doing?” Seth queried, although he was sure he knew the answer.
“I’m setting up the attic. The attic, my dear, will be a new and improved version of our last residences basement. ‘New and improved’ is usually bullshit… Because to be improved, it’s not new, right? But this is new! And I’ve improved upon it’s former design!” Jalie’s voice was growing louder and angrier with each word. “HOW did I improve it, you ask? Well don’t! My design is for my eyes and the eyes of my victims! I’ll only note that it involves a far less boring form of acupuncture - and electroshock!” Jalie finished, her eyes wide and crazed. Suddenly she snapped the trapdoor shut - only to re-open it seconds later.
“Repent, bitches!” She proclaimed, slamming the trapdoor closed after her.
Seth, comfortably accustomed to his wife’s adorably psychotic tendencies, merely smiled. Most women needed flowers, romance, fancy words. For Seth, giving Jalie a set of handcuffs and a cordless drill would send her leaping into his arms. He considered himself a very lucky man. Although, as of late, his career left something to be desired.
With a grimace, Seth spied the white powdered wig he’d been forced into wearing for his ‘Captain Fancypants’ routine. A disgrace. And Jalie had made him keep it, claiming that he could be the judge and the jury so long as she could be the executioner. That, and it made her giggle hysterically when he wore it. Seth cringed as his memory flashed to that afternoon a few days ago…
Seth, adorned in Captain Fancypants’ wig and royal navy coat, was chasing an underwear clad Jalie around the newly furnished living room. Her pink frog print bra and panties gave her a deceivingly cute appearance. Jalie was immersed in giggles as Seth chased her onto the back of the couch, all the while keeping a chorus of, “Who’s your Captain?”
All was going well until Seth spied the AWA interviewer peering through their front window.
Seth quickly shook his head to rid himself of the embarrassing recollection. He glanced around at their new abode… It was a vast improvement from their piece of shit suburbanite home in San Diego. Now, back in Yucca Valley, Jalie was certainly more at home. The front yard was nothing but a decorative stone walkway up to the front door, and a lone palm tree. The inside of the house didn’t contain many rooms, but they were all spacious. The master bedroom included a circular sitting room where Jalie spent a good deal of her time reading from it‘s wall to wall bookshelves, a bathroom, and a tremendous walk-in closet. The bed sat in the middle of it’s own separate circular quarters, surrounded by enclaves in the red brick walls that served as shelves for Jalie’s books, candles, incense, and magic supplies. The bed itself was curtained off by sheer white silk draperies. Their bathroom contained a large in-ground bathtub, a spacious shower stall built to resemble a waterfall in the rainforest, plus his and hers sinks. Jalie even had her own vanity table that she rarely went near. The kitchen could have supplied a good sized restaurant. The living room was comfortable but formal, thus no one was ever in it. Instead, people spent their time in the rec room just off the kitchen. It entailed the second bathroom, a big screen TV, an assortment of beanbags and every video game system known to man. At the back of the room was a pool table which Jalie had insisted on buying even though she sucked at the sport, if that’s what you would call it. To Seth, unless it involved a combination of violence, strategic play and rioting fans it wasn‘t a sport. In short, the house was a small Mexicano style mansion, complete with a good sized oasis in the backyard. The waterfall cascaded from a huge cliff, which you could swim inside of from an underwater cave and find a small sanctuary within the stone, much like the playboy mansion’s grotto. Seth was particularly proud of this aspect of the house. The little cave, furnished with harem-style pillows, an internal sound system, and wildlife murals on the walls, never failed to get the desired reaction from his wife. In his own mind, Seth was a genius.
He wandered into the kitchen where he found the large stainless steel fridge door wide open. After glancing around the kitchen and seeing nobody he closed the door and made his way over to the walk-in pantry. He grabbed a bag of Doritos and was on his way out of the kitchen when he heard a loud thumping. His eyes tried to find where the noise was coming from, landing on the fridge. Upon opening the door Cody Carson climbs out of the fridge with his arms full of Coronas.
“Dude, your fridge is bigger than my fucking apartment.” Cody exclaimed with a dumbfounded look.
“Yeah, well, if you married a woman who’s uncle got arrested for smuggling cocaine and signed the house over to her then you could have your own, and stay out of ours.” Seth turned and walked out of the kitchen with Cody in tow.
For those of you who used to pay attention this would be a little odd for you, since you last remember these two swearing death upon each other. To bring you up to speed - they both pulled their heads out of their asses, electrocuted each other a few times and moved on like guys do.
“So where’s Jalie at? I haven’t seen her all day.” Cody questioned.
“Don’t worry, she’ll be looking for you soon enough.” Seth told him with a grin.
“She’s setting up the basement, isn’t she?” Cody assumed with a hint of fear.
“Nope. We don’t have a basement.” Seth assured him. Unbeknownst to Cody, they have an attic.
“Where the fuck are the Coronas?” Nick bellowed as they entered the rec room. He was sprawled out on a beanbag chair in his tightie-whities with a smashed peanut butter and banana sandwich in one hand and an Atari joystick in the other. Sitting beside him was Jay, who looked rather frustrated that he just lost another game of Pong.
“Man, eighty-two games to nothing. How the fuck did you get so good at this?” Jay inquired.
“What do you think we did in the seventies, got jobs?” Nick retorted.
In fact, Nick has been the United Bums of California state Pong champion since 1987. Go ahead and check Guinness, it’ll be there.
After some intense gameplay, with Seth and Cody on the edge of their beanbag chairs and Jay finally getting the upper hand, there was a power surge.
“What was that?” Cody openly asked. All three of them ignored him, knowing full well it was Jalie testing her electric chair. None of them dared to tell Cody about the attic before Jalie was through for fear of taking his place. After all, she had to make sure everything was set up correctly, didn’t she.
“I was that fucking close! Did you see that?” Jay said, excited that he almost dethroned Nick.
“That’s what Napoleon said.” Nick added.
Jalie’s footsteps were heard bounding towards the room. Everybody stopped what they were doing to watch Jalie poke her head inside the door.
“Hey, who wants to help me move my porn collection into the attic?” Jalie asked. Nick and Jay held up their controllers signifying they were busy and Seth completely ignored the question. After looking around for a moment, and receiving an almost expectant stare from Jalie, Cody slowly stood up.
“This has got to be a dream…” Cody said to himself. Seth, Nick and Jay all shook their heads after Cody left the room.
“He falls for it every time…” Seth sighed. He turns the stereo on loud enough to drowned out Cody’s soon-to-be blood curdling screams.