--/Scene 1/--
“We have thirty-five cubic feet of refrigerator and no fucking mustard!?” Jalie bellowed from inside. She emerged from between the open doors then slammed them behind her. “Who the fuck goes grocery shopping around here?”
“Nobody, actually.” Seth calmly answered from the kitchen table. “In the three months we’ve been here we haven’t needed to.”
“Well perhaps somebody should.” Jalie said while fixing her eyes on her husband.
“Yes, perhaps they should.” Seth responded with a stare of his own. The camera kept switching back and forth between them until it finally rested on an out of place Mr. Bean.
“Alright, I’ll do it.” Seth gave in as the camera went back to him. Jalie tossed him the keys to the El Camino and smacked him on the ass as he walked by.
Seth made his way through the house and out to the courtyard where he found Cody with his face buried in the cleavage of one of the gardeners.
“You, you’re coming with me.” Seth said as he walked by.
“Where to?” Cody mumbled from between the hefty tits.
“Jenna Jameson is doing an appearance in LA. If we leave now then we can still make it.” Seth unlocked the driver door and got in. Cody’s curiosity, among other things, got the best of him and he pulled himself away from his happy place.
“Why isn’t Jalie going?” Cody asked suspiciously as he poked his head in from the other side. “I hardly believe she’d pass this up, what’s the catch?”
“The last time we went to a signing we were in line ten minutes before Jalie got impatient, pounced on Jenna and began fondling places most men would give all but one extremity to touch. Thing is, Jenna didn’t care but security went ballistic, dragged her kicking and screaming from the building then slapped her with a restraining order. It just so happens that’s where she is again, so she’s sending me.” Seth knew it took more than a one-liner to throw Cody off. Thing is, that actually happened.
“She also told me to bring you. She doesn’t trust the women there so she figured you’d pick them up before they even had the chance to look at me.” Seth stated as she started the El Camino. Again, another true statement. Will Cody fall for Seth’s trickery or will he see through the mask of lies? Tune in next week; Same AWA time, same AWA channel.
*Batman theme interlude.*
Fifteen minutes later the El Camino pulled into a Stater Bros. Parking lot.
“You fucking liar.” Cody mumbled with his head hanging out the window.
“Hey, I know you wouldn’t have gotten in the car if I told you we were going to the grocery store.” Seth admitted.
“You’re fucking right I wouldn’t have. Right about now I’d be fucking places Julia never knew she had.” Cody said as he slammed his foot against the dashboard.
“Oh, so you’re taking their names now?” Seth asked with a raised eyebrow.
“No, she volunteered it.” Cody quickly piped in. “I wasn’t going to let that ruin the moment, though. Anything bigger than a double D is worth a little tolerance.”
The guys got out of the car and made their way into the store. I could’ve went into detail about how the rocks skipped across the ground as they walked and how the sun was at the right angle to give a fabulous glow off the other car windows, but I really don’t care.
“So how did you get stuck with this?” Cody asked Seth as he grabbed a cart.
“There was no mustard so Jalie nearly had an aneurysm.” Seth calmly said as Cody shoved the cart back into the row.
“You drug me all the fucking way down here for mustard!?” Cody practically yelled. Seth turned around with a little smirk.
“Yep.” Seth said. He turned around and started to walk.
“I’d call you an asshole, but you pride yourself on it.” Cody sighed as he caught up to Seth.
“You know, because I’m the only one that does that.” Seth rolled his eyes. They turned down an aisle and grabbed a bottle of mustard. When they turned around Cody bumped into a Rabbi.
“Hey, watch where the fuck…”
Cody and Seth’s attention were drawn to the large ham on the ground. They made eye contact with the wide-eyed Rabbi before he ran away.
“Now I’ve seen everything.” Seth said in a rather shocked state.
“Oh yeah?” Cody questioned. “Have you ever seen this?”
Cody took off his shirt, grabbed Seth by the arm and touched his own left nipple. Suddenly both men seemed to be falling through the air with a black and white swirl spinning behind them. Cody let out a deep laugh then everything went blindingly white.
*Another Batman theme interlude*
The scene switched to the darkened bedroom of Seth and Jalie. Abruptly, Seth quickly shoots up and looks around. After a few deep breaths he climbed out of bed and left the room. From there, he groggily moved through the house until he was just outside of the kitchen. He noticed the light was on and approached with caution. A knife sticking out of the wall, one of the many Jalie threw at Cody earlier in the day, caught Seth’s eye and he pried it out of the wall. He closed his eyes, held the knife close and charged into the kitchen. He skidded to a stop and relaxed when he realized it was Jalie.
“We almost had a suspenseful scene there honey. You should be more careful.” Seth sat the knife on the counter.
“Indeed. Why are you up?” Jalie asked, taking her attention away from the open fridge doors. “Couldn’t sleep?”
A feint dinging is heard and both Thomas’ looks around for the source.
“I guess that means I’m right.” Jalie shrugged before disappearing into the fridge.
“I had another one of those dreams again.” Seth said while rubbing his eyes.
“The one where Richard Simmons raped you when you were paralyzed and couldn‘t talk?” Jalie asked while momentarily popping her head out from fridge.
“No…” Seth shivered. “I thought we agreed never to talk of that one. Ever.”
“Well, what one was it?” Jalie yelled from inside.
“The one with the Rabbi and Cody’s nipple.”
Jalie emerged from the fridge with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a smile on her face.
“You’ll want this.” Jalie said while shoving it against his stomach.
“Why?” Seth asked.
“It’ll help you sleep. And it’ll give you something to hold in your hand while you give your late night interview for your match against Angela this Monday.”
“Why the fuck would I talk about that? It’s three in the morning.” Seth stated while taking the bottle from Jalie.
“What else are you going to do, quietly go back to sleep?” Jalie scoffed. Seth, too, got a chuckle out of this. Perhaps he, too, realized this was the absolute perfect moment to go off in a pointless rant.
“I get it now. My messy hair, bottle of whisky and the late hour will all add a dramatic effect, right?” Seth said with a new found excitement.
“Precisely. Go get ‘em, tiger.” Jalie slapped him on the ass and left the kitchen. Seth walked over to the counter and hopped up on it. He sat there a moment with a wide open smile then took a deep breath.
“I suppose this is where I could also go off on a long-winded rant saying everything I have before and make more impossible guarantees that I have absolutely no control over to make myself sound tough. But I think I’ll save the poor people who actually watch this thing a few hours and get to the point, unlike most. I don‘t like you. You suck. Yada, yada, yada. You’re a crazy bitch.” He slid off the counter, put the bottle back in the fridge and left the kitchen.