--/Scene 1/--
“Ninety-nine bottle of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer…”
That was what Seth heard as he walked into the overly-large living room. He peered over the sofa to see Cyprus and Jalie lying opposite each other staring blankly at the ceiling fan. He wasn’t exactly surprised to see scattered about on the floor three bottles of Jack Daniels, two bottles of Jose Cuervo and a partridge in a pear tree.
“Where the fuck did you get a partridge, and why is it in that tree?” Seth questioned the highly intoxicated duo.
Both women went into a fit of giggles. This went on for several minutes until they were gasping for air, then they giggled even more.
“You’d be surprised what you find when you’re snooping around people’s houses.” Jalie said as she leaned up on her elbows.
“So that’s where you got that bird and tree?” Seth asked, trying to make sense of it all.
Jalie looked absolutely baffled and took a deep breath.
“Fuuuuuuuck no!” She managed to get out before falling into a brief fit of giggles. “That’s where we got the alcohol. What are you talking about?”
Jalie looked over at Cyprus and, again, busted into a fit of giggles. Somehow Cyprus found humour in this as well and giggled along with her counterpart. Seth rolled his eyes and left the room. He made his way through the house and came out to the courtyard at the front of the house.
“Where the fuck is everybody?” He thought to himself. Just then he caught a glimpse of two white birds sitting on the front gates. “Are those… turtle doves?” He said aloud. The birds flew away and he gave his head a shake. He went back inside and headed to the kitchen, where he came across Nick.
“I swear I’m going crazy.” He confessed as he approached the fridge.
“I could’ve sworn you went off the deep end a long time ago, or didn’t you marry Jalie?” Nick shot from behind his yellowish and torn newspaper. The date was hard to make out, but the year read 1969.
Seth shook his head and opened the fridge door. He went to walk in but stopped in his tracks when three hens came waddling out under his legs. He turned went to say something to Nick but, again, stopped himself when his cell phone rang. He dug it out of his pocket and looked at the screen rather confused.
“Four birds. What..?” He put the phone back in his pocket and looked up at Nick. “What the fuck is going on today?”
Nick pulled his head away from his paper for a moment and shrugged.
“Apparently we landed on the moon, or some shit.” Nick casually stated. Seth tilted his head trying to read the date on the newspaper, that’s when he noticed a gold ring on each of Nick’s fingers and thumb.
“Where’d you get those?” Seth asked as he pointed to Nick’s hand.
“Funny story.” Nick started as he set down the paper. “I was out back by the pool when I saw a bunch of geese just sitting around…”
“How many?” Seth interrupted.
“I don’t know, six? Why?” Nick asked.
“Nevermind.” Seth just shrugged it off.
“Anyways, went up to one and it stood up. It made a funny noise then all of a sudden it shit out this ring. So I went up to all of them and they all shit one out.”
“All of them?” Seth sounded anxious.
“No, actually. All but the last did. That’s why it’s in the oven.”
“Dammit.” Seth snarled.
“What, you don’t like goose? At least I took the liberty to throw it in the oven in this time.” Nick sounded annoyed. He figured if you were picky enough to bitch about food being cooked, then you shouldn’t eat.
“You didn’t just throw it in there, did you?” Seth asked a little worried.
“Now you’re going to insult my cooking too? There’s no pleasing you.” Nick scoffed and picked up the paper.
Seth let out a sigh and left the kitchen. He realized when he was about to exit to the back yard that he never did get what went into the kitchen for, but he didn’t care at that point. He went over to the pool to see if the geese were still there. Much to his delight, they weren’t. Instead he found a group of swans swimming around.
“One… Two…” He began to count. He trailed off lightly until he abruptly shot out. “Aha! There’s only six. Ahh!”
Seth yelped and turned around whilst rubbing his ass. There stood the seventh swan. Seth made a kick for the swan but it dodged it and flew over to the pool with the others. More confused and pissy than before Seth made his way over to the tennis court. Along the way, though, he couldn’t help but hear some noise behind the pool house. Against his better judgment he went to investigate. With what he found he would’ve preferred to gouge his eyes out rather than come this sight - eight pool girls dressed as milk maids “milking” Jay. Seth screamed, raked at his eyes and went to run back towards the house but got turned around and ran the opposite direction. All of the commotion came to a crashing halt when Seth went flipping over the tennis net and landed flat on his back.
“Fuck me…” He let out, slightly lifting his head. Oh, what he would’ve given to have nine little blue birdies flying around his head. Instead, he had nine ladies dancing. He smacked himself in the side of the head a couple times and squinted his eyes open. That was when he almost lost it.
“Jesus…”
Literally. Seth slowly stood up and rubbed his eyes. There was no getting around it. Off in the corner of the court he saw ten Jesus’ playing jump rope.
“Now I know I‘m losing it.”
He went stumbling over to the men in robes and noticed that as he got closer they all had pipes in their mouths. And no, not the kind your grandfather puffs on.
“Hey man…” One of the Jesus’ greeted. We’ll call him Jesus number six.”
“What are you doing?” Seth questioned.
“We’re playing Double Dutch. Want to jump in?” Jesus number six offered.
“No, I’m good. But I was talking about that…” Seth tapped on the pipe hanging from Jesus’ mouth.
“Oh, that. What do you want from me, huh?” Jesus number six started to sound a little aggressive. “You think my job is easy? I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want millions of people kissing my ass and begging for forgiveness. I’m just a fucking hippie for my sake!”
Seth took a moment to look over all the Jesus’ and noticed that there was only ten.
“Shouldn’t there be another one of you since, you know, you’re obviously the ‘piper’.”
Jesus number six snapped his fingers and another Jesus appeared beside him with a pipe from his mouth too.
“Are you happy now? Is there anything else I can do for you now? Don’t judge me!”
Jesus number six took his turn to jump in the game and Seth went walking off. He stopped for a moment and began to rub his temples.
“All this shit is giving me a migraine.” Seth complained.
Suddenly a loud thunder was heard, creeping ever so close to him. Along came twelve members of a marching band, all of which happened to be playing the bass drum. They went thundering past him and finally stopped on the other side. They all lined up, facing towards him. Next thing Seth knew everybody he had come across today was lining up behind them as well. The eleven Jesus’, the nine pool girls, Jay, Nick and all the animals. Jalie and Cyprus came out last holding up the pear tree with the partridge. The drummers began playing once more and everybody began to sing.
“AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!”
Seth closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them everybody was gone. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his zippo. From his other pocket he pulled out half of a joint.
“Man, Nick wasn’t kidding about this shit…”
Seth lit it up, took a couple puffs and walked off as the scene faded out.
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This Monday at Dead On Arrival I find myself in quite a predicament. Not only am I facing Orphan Mysterio in a hardcore match, I also get to team up with my lovely but psychotic wife against the Sin City Saint and Callisto and Barrows. Oh joy.
Why was Jalie and I involved in the latter match to begin with? The only reason I<./i> can come up with is, frankly, that they’re running out of ideas. “Gee, we did that match last month. What can we do this time?” If we were put into the match with the idea of us wanting it, great. But the fact that we were just thrown in the mix for no reason is rather annoying. Like Jalie said, we’re meant for nothing but filler. The only other active “team” on the roster so they just threw us in there. Well fuck them and fuck this match.
Barrows, I really don’t know why you think you’re such hot shit. The only reason anybody knows who you are is because your daddy is, and I use the term loosely, famous. Nobody cares about you, or your old man.
Callisto, aren’t you just a doll. Everybody, all hail the daughter of Zeus! Give me a fucking break. I don’t buy into your shit for a minute. A two thousand year old Goddess who has vowed to never use her powers in the ring. I’m almost as amused as I am disappointed. Should we be grateful for your presence? Should we grovel at your feet for being the daughter of Zeus? Boy, wouldn’t daddy be proud watching your entrance week in and week out. Tell me, at what point does a Goddess reach such a low point in her life that she needs to flaunt herself around like that just so people will accept her? There’s always been something about you that I’ve never liked, I just can’t seem to put my mortal finger on it.
As for you, Scotty boy, you can go fuck yourself. You want to make your little comments and think you’re hot shit because you got Simon by your side? Well, rather than hiding behind your knight in shining armour, maybe I could show you a thing or two in that ring. You know, if you wanted to learn anything.
Now this doesn’t come along very often, but I kind of like Simon. I’ve been in the ring with him a couple times and he knows what he’s doing in there. Although he’s an ass most of the time, who isn’t? I have respect for him in that “squared circle”, and all I have to say to him tonight concerning both of his matches, from one competitor to another, good luck.
And finally, a man named Orphan. I must say, you’re moving along pretty good since you’ve been here. And you’ve had the pleasure of crossing my wife as well. Not many people can actually match her psychotic ways, but I must say, you’re not far off yourself. So I find myself against you in a hardcore match. Now I’ll be the first to say that I’m more of a technical competitor, and this is a little out of my element. The way I see it, it just gives me a little more room to be creative in ways to hurt you. And I imagine you’ll be a little more acquainted with Jalie before the night is through. All in all, enjoy the opportunity because it won’t happen often. I wouldn’t worry too much about the title tonight, I’d be more concerned with leaving the building under your own power. I'm not one to be very forgiving…