The Discovery Channel logo came into view before disappearing, giving way to the intro to a television show coming up at the top of the hour.
Mythbusters begins with Jamie Hyneman in his trademark black beret and white shirt tucked into his black pants, brown walrus mustache hanging down below his chin as he peered through his glasses towards the short haired ginger man with thick black glasses, jeans and a black t-shirt with his famous quote "I reject your reality and substitute my own" emblazoned across the front in bold white lettering. Jamie looks at his colleague Adam Savage while seated at a table, Adam standing looking at him in return.
Jamie: So Adam, what are we doing today?
Adam: Well Jamie, our viewers and fans bombarded the message boards on our website and emailed in to ask us if we could bust perhaps the biggest myth out there in existence.
Jamie: Oh really?
Adam: Yeah, even bigger than the boom lift catapult.
Jamie: Alright. So what is it?
Adam: It's the myth that Emily Jane is actually an amazing wrestler.
Jamie: Emily Jane? I've never heard of her.
Adam: You may not be alone in that because while most people have never heard of her, Emily Jane is the name of a professional wrestler who despite thinking she's great just keeps on losing to Dazz and wallows in a pool of delusion.
Jamie: And fans want us to test the myth that she's actually good? How can science prove that exactly?
Adam: Well we could do a series of totally unrelated tests and draw our conclusions from there.
Jamie: Ok. Let's do it.
The shot cuts to the pair standing in front of scientific flasks filled with various liquids of the same volume, one liquid completely black, another two totally clear with pieces of masking tape across the glass with marker pen labeling them.
Jamie: I think for the first test we should have these liquids, water, cola, sulphuric acid and a fourth control one with just plain old oxygen and place a tooth inside each.
Adam: But didn't we do this tooth dissolving experiment before?
Jamie: Yes but this time we're going to do it and play Emily Jane interviews, match promos and matches on a loop and see which tooth dissolves faster.
Adam: Almost like the teeth will want to dissolve to escape the pure tedium, I like it.
Jamie takes a pair of tongs and picks up each tooth, carefully dropping them with a pinging noise as they connect with glass on the way down, three of them sinking to the bottom of the liquids they were dropped into.
Jamie: Ok, we'll leave these for a few weeks and see what's happened.
Narrator: So, the boys will come back later and see how the teeth are doing or whether they're going to need more than a cavity filled. Adam meanwhile, has become a little "overblown" with excitement.
The pair stand in the middle of a quarry, Jamie still dressed the same while Adam is now wearing a brown leather jacket over his clothes and a brown hat on his head with his thick glasses replaced by sunglasses.
Adam: Ya know, I figured what better way to test the myth than to go the tried and tested method here on Mythbusters.
Jamie: What do you mean?
A wicked grin appears on his friend's face as he claps his hands and rubs them together.
Adam: We blow stuff up.
He walks to the right off camera while Jamie walks the opposite direction.
Narrator: Adam and Jamie have brought in an explosives expert for the FBI to handle the job of blowing up a small family car, packing it with explosives, enough to put Chinese New Year to shame while everybody stands well back.....just over a mile away in fact......behind safety barriers for this controlled but still dangerous detonation
The team stand behind the safety glass wearing ear protectors while Jamie has his finger on the button of the detonator, pushing it gently as the car explodes into a massive fireball, causing the team to jump back and holler in excitement.
After a brief countdown, the car explodes into a massive fireball that reaches up to the heavens within mere seconds, a loud boom echoing around the landscape. The replay and slow motion allow the fireball and flying hunks of metal to be seen properly as the next shot shows them all scouring the area looking at the damage and the huge black mark, laughing before cutting back to the flasks that contained the teeth, Jamie turning off the television showing endless loops of Emily Jane.
Adam: So Jamie, what's the damage?
Jamie: Well it looks like the oxygen did nothing in the control, the water also had no effect on the tooth but the cola has caused it to discolour.
Adam: What's interesting is that the sulphuric acid has decomposed and dissolved the tooth almost entirely but thanks to the Emily matches shown on the loop, they all seem to have dissolved faster.
Jamie: So what would you say this is?
Adam: Ok, my own calculations, the explosion and the dissolved or rotted teeth, I'd say the myth that Emily Jane is an entertaining or even a good wrestler, that's definitely busted.
Jamie: I agree, it's like the teeth tried their hardest to get away from it and the car exploding into such small pieces like that because of him, I gotta say this one's busted.
Narrator: Looks like that's another myth....
******
The scene opens with a flashy entrance. Sirens flash on and off and screams are heard as some jazzy entrance music plays for a few seconds before a title rolls. The title reads “World’s Scariest…..PROMOS!” We wonder what the hell is going on until we see an image of Dazz walking up a suburban area, wearing a black LVW t-shirt and black pants, he has a gold belt buckle that looks brand new with the Harley Davidson logo on it on and wears a pair of black combat boots on his feet. He walks briskly into the view of the camera and smiles.
Dazz: Hello you general idiots at home. I’m the legendary Dazz, LVW Orgasmic champion and after this Wednesday, one step closer to my goal of ruling LVW as the greatest champ it's ever seen. In my profession of wrestling, we sometimes see the odd flashes of brilliance…..but not usually from those on the Playboy Channel. The latter part of irritation and practically illegal promos come from washed up attention seekers like the idiot of our business, Emily Jane. At this very moment, a promo of Emily’s is airing at number 16 Maple Street, just across the road from me. There are truly shocking consequences to watching a full Emily Jane promo and we advise all intelligent viewers not to watch it as there are dire symptoms, showing huge dumbing down of society. Let’s watch.
The camera focuses on a pretty suburban house with nice surroundings. Suddenly, a TV goes straight through the window and a man dives out the window soon after. He is screaming and wailing.
Man: ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
Dazz: As you can see, this idiot is obviously distressed from just watching this promo. We didn’t even give him a match tape to watch and already the TV has gone out of the window.
Man: IT’S TOO MUCH!! GET IT OFF!!
The camera zooms in on the man and he has a sledgehammer in his hand. He is smashing the TV to pieces and shouting loudly.
Man: NO MORE!!
Dazz: This man is suffering from hysteria. It seems that the Emily Jane viewing was so bad that he has taken his TV and his sanity into his own hands.
Man: NEVER SHOW ME THAT AGAIN!! GOD DAMN IT!!
Dazz: Hopefully the effects aren’t too serious, those strong-willed and good natured should be able to stand it but this poor man may just have been a little bit too shocked.
Man: GRANT ME THE LIBERTY OF DEATH NOW!!!
The man seems pretty shocked and the camera pans onto him as a Fed-Ex van trundles by. The man runs in front and the Fed-Ex van doesn’t stop, causing the man to fly over the van in a comical fashion. He is seen on the road looking around bewildered but the Fed-Ex driver doesn’t seem to care.
Dazz: Those Fed-Ex bastards only care about getting paid, I swear. If I get another late package from those guys……oh, the guy. Screw him, I think he deserves his injuries for taking part in this, the fool.
Calmly, the man walks back to his house and Dazz looks back. He then turns to face the camera again.
Dazz: Those aren’t the only symptoms you can get from this false messenger of pain. Emily Jane wants to hold onto a place in the company and not only fight the champ but also win the Orgasmic title but I assure you that LVW will never let their standards be that low and judging by the technique displayed in her matches and promos it is of no mystery why. This deluded fool has caused society in America to be more screwed up than it was before, purely from the assault on the eyes and ears her "abilities" produce.
The scene suddenly changes location to a forest, deep inside the trees we see a round platform and a wooden coffin with a glass top resting on top of it. There is a woman inside there, still breathing but asleep. She has dark brown hair and blue eyes. The scene fades away from that to Dazz standing pointing at the coffin.
Dazz: This is a modern day sleeping beauty. Not exactly a beauty but we’ll let that go. This is proof of what can happen at an extremity when you watch an Emily Jane promo. This fool not only viewed a promo where she sat on a plane boring other passengers to death about "mental anguish" but watched Emily actually win a pay per view match in the past too. This idiot is Elmira Johnson and after watching the match and promo consecutively, she fell asleep for eternity. Once again, the Messiah of Metal will have to save lives and present the wonders of a can of Cherry Coke when thirst hits.
Dazz reveals a can of Cherry Coke and briskly opens it. He takes a delightful drink of it and wipes his godly mouth before sighing in satisfaction. Dazz the walks over to the coffin and opens up the glass top.
Dazz: Now you see, I am the cure for the boredom of an Emily Jane promo. I am the cure for lacklustre matches that the self-made depressive has forced upon us. When I rip her apart limb from limb and destroy her, you’ll see that LVW will wake up and we’ll have no casualties the magnitude of this.
Dazz drenches the face of the woman and she starts to stir. She is soaked in Cherry Coke now as Dazz smiles and she wakes up.
Dazz: I hate to waste my drinks on unimportant people like you, get back in there you incompetent bitch!!
Dazz hits her over the head with the can of Cherry Coke and slams the lid down. She falls back lying down and screams for help as Dazz just shakes his head.
Dazz: Ungrateful, typical of a female viewer of the Playboy Channel who seemingly allows this blatant mockery of professional wrestling take place without complaint. The truth is though, they’ll never learn. Some fool will put on an Emily Jane video to see what the fuss is about and realise that the jackass will only last for 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes of being carried by the woman responsible for being carried the most, Synnamon. Next we will show you some shocking material of men and women whose physical features have been affected by Emily and her uncoordination in the ring.
The scene shows a woman with very dark glasses on. The title underneath says “Martha Seawater – Victim of Emily Jane’s promos”.
Martha: Emily Jane, she ruined my life. I was watching a promo of hers, which I think was in September and I can remember that fateful day.
We go to a reconstruction scene, a warm living room situation with Martha and her husband relaxing in their front room, watching LVW and waiting for someone good like Dazz or even that total slut Kia Morrison to show up.
Martha: Me and Billy were just watching LVW like we always do, waiting for the LVW ads to remind us when it was on and to see the promos recorded by its stars beforehand. He was waiting for a Mizz Laci Williams promo. I hate Laci, she can only turn on old people. Old as in John McCain old. I’d rather sleep with Emily Jane than John McCain but then she probably does sleep with him anyway so…..I’ll cut to the chase. I was in the kitchen getting a snack.
The scene rolls and Martha is in the kitchen making a cheese sandwich.
Reconstruction Martha: Billy, would you like a sandwich?
Reconstruction Billy: Could you get me a beer?
Reconstruction Martha: Coming right up dear.
A voiceover of Martha’s voice is playing.
Martha: The TV was on low and we weren’t really listening that much, it was a Ludvig promo I think. No one listens to that joke. Then it happened...
The reconstruction again shows Martha carrying her cheese sandwich, she carries the plate in and passes Billy his beer.
Reconstruction Martha: What’s on dear?
Reconstrtuction Billy: Some girl called Emily Jane.
Reconstruction Martha: Who is that?
Reconstruction Billy: Hmmmm. Some jobber who says she has done some shit.
Reconstruction Martha: Hmmm. I see.
Voiceover Martha: We were watching the promo and we got about 10 minutes into it and my head began to buzz. My brain started to literally shake in my head as I watched and heard the bullshit that came out of her mouth.
In the reconstruction, Martha holds her head in pain, she drops her plate and Billy looks over.
Reconstruction Billy: Martha, what’s wrong?
Reconstruction Martha: It’s just so goddamn awful!! Arrrrghhh, I can’t take it any more!!
Voiceover Martha: I don’t think my brain has ever been subdued to so much crap. Well, there was that Undine promo but that had been repeated before so I guess it was bearable. But Emily’s promo made my brain go bad, I just couldn’t fathom how anyone could be so lame and uncharismatic.
Suddenly, in the reconstruction, Martha’s eyes spurt blood all over and cover Billy. She tries to block them but the spurting is all over the eyes.
Voiceover Martha: My eyes began to bleed. I couldn’t stop it, this thing was so unbearable and when Billy turned off the TV it was too late for me. His eyes were just about fine, he’s only blind now, I lost mine.
Reconstruction Martha: ARRRRRRRGH MY EYES!!! THEY’RE ON THE FLOOR!! ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!
The camera shows two eyes rolling along the floor and another image of Martha screaming. The last shot shows Martha’s eyes rolling along the floor then the scene cuts back to Martha seated in the chair talking directly to camera.
Martha: That moment taught me a lot. It taught me that my eyes mean a lot to me and that I will never, ever watch an Emily Jane promo or match again. Not that I could if I wanted to since thanks to her, my eyes fell out. Gosh, he’s terrible.
The screen flashes out again and Dazz sat on a rock by a stream.
Dazz: That is truly scary and that’s why we can classify Emily Jane as the woman who can produce the scariest promos ever seen. And these promos are almost as bad as Candy Divine’s. She’s the reason for all the trouble in Iraq. Saddam showed the people of Iraq that tape and told them basically that was the typical Westerner. Stupid, incompetent and arrogant. And it is, just like Emily Jane. That’s all the monkeyspank is though, a typical extremist view of Westerners. A woman of no respect for tradition and values. But how can a woman do so much damage like that? Let me tell you, by being untalented and completely incompetent. Her promo technique can be considered so scary it’s lethal. Coming up next, we show you the 14 year old boy who had multiple seizures after watching Emily in action a few months ago during the Patriot Dames ppv.
We see the scene with a 14 year old boy and Dazz sat on chairs which are parallel with each other. A TV sits in the middle of them as the young boy shakes a little.
Dazz: This is James Bryan. He viewed the so-called great performance of Emily Jane and was left forever scarred. Hello James you young foolish child.
James: Hi.
Dazz: Now, may I ask why you had these seizures?
James: Well my brain couldn’t cope with the performance Emily was putting up. It couldn’t cope with her constant attempts to entertain in that match.
Dazz: Can I ask? What idiotic notion made you watch her in the first place?
James: Back then, all the kids in my school were talking about her. Saying she was this huge sensation. And she just isn’t. I’ve seen better matches between Damien and Courtney Hate.
Dazz: The shock that he’s that bad sent you wild then?
James: Yes it did, the hype that she was given and then to be let down by a performance like that just sent my brain haywire.
Dazz: It will do to a small brain like yours.
James: I couldn’t handle watching anything involving Emily.
Dazz: Not even for an experiment?
James: I’m no guinea pig.
Clearly not too bothered that a teenage boy has tuned into Playboy tv to watch, Dazz takes out a piece of green paper.
Dazz: Will George Washington turn you into a guinea pig?
James: OH HELL YEAH!!
Dazz: Well I will pay you after we watch Emily almost stealing the victory from within my grasp at the first ever Theater of Pain.
James: Let me just check if I have my medication.
Dazz pulls out a tape and places it into the VCR. It starts off with both watching at the moment.
Dazz: It looks like she’s handling herself well here. She hasn’t relied on me to carry her yet.
The screen shows Dazz hitting a knife edge chop and other moves.
James: Ahhh, my head is starting to hurt.
Dazz: She hasn’t even done a damn move yet.
James: I know but she’s just so unbearable. AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!!!
James falls to the floor and begins to shake rapidly and uncontrollably. Dazz looks down as foam comes from the mouth of James Bryan. Dazz shakes his head.
Dazz: Weak. It’s a good job us true wrestling veterans are strong-willed because the effect of Emily Jane promos and matches on you people is truly scary. I’ll carry your ass successfully and make sure that I retain the title, the biggest prize in LVW, and retire you for good along the way. Your ass will be finished for the good of…….well, everybody. You say you’re an honourable British citizen yet you’re obviously infected with something that made your mind turn to mush if you think you have a scrap of talent. Anyway, that’s all we have time for on World’s Scariest Promos. Join us next week where we will look at the prolific career of that other deluded bitch, Arabella, a woman who took pride in her career thus far and yet nobody outside of her immediate family has ever heard of her. In an extra special 2 hour episode, we will argue the case that Traci Loveheart is a common cause of AIDS. So until next time you asses.
The kid is still shaking like a mad man as Dazz walks away from the scene and the titles roll.
******
The scene opens with Dazz seated on a chair, his foot up on the side and his knee bent while he stares ahead of himself towards the camera, seemingly gazing at an object beyond the camera's sights, in total silence while the sounds of Metallica's latest album rings out in the background, Death Magnetic's fourth track "The Day That Never Comes" along with its haunting melodies and vocals:
"Born to push you around
Better just stay down
You pull away, he hits the flesh
You'll hit the ground
Mouth so full of lies
Tend to block your eyes
Just keep them closed
Keep praying, just keep waiting
Waiting for the one
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
But the sunshine never comes, no
No the sunshine never comes
Push you across that line
Just stay down, there's a time
Hide in yourself, crawl in yourself
You'll have your time
God I'll make them pay
Take it back one day
I'll end this day
I'll splatter colour on this grave
Waiting for the one
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
But the sunshine never comes, no
Love is a four letter word
And never spoken here
Love is a four letter word
Here in this prison
I'll suffer this no longer
I'll put it into this I swear, this I swear
The sun will shine
This I swear
This I swear
This....I.....swear
The frantic riffing continues as Dazz listens, deep in thought, raising a remote control once the song is finished and pressing a button to pause the album while he takes a deep breath and exhales.
Dazz: That song could mean a lot of things but right now it's kinda suggestive of this coming Ho Down. I finally defend my Orgasmic championship against Emily Jane over a month after we agreed to fight for the Bootylicious championship I once held and never got pinned for or made to submit.
It isn't "the most dangerous and erotic match ever created" as we said the Bootylicious title match would be but nevertheless, the result will be the same. It will end with me in victory after I deliver a hard shot to her flesh and knock her to the ground after suffering the constant lies she forces us all to hear time and again about her talents, about her abilities, about how she's supposedly the best to ever enter LVW.
Is she though? No, she's like others in LVW, not naming names but they think that being former champions in LVW makes them God's gift to this business when that's utter bullshit. You were champions at a time when even the copious sex on screen couldn't help LVW reach the pinnacle of Playboy tv's ratings war, champions of a hollow company before the best truly stepped in and made their mark here.
Do you really think that competing against the likes of Ludvig, Synnamon and Candy Divine amongst others merits calling yourself the best or is it because you're too blinkered by other people's opinions before they saw actual talent like myself that you believe your own hype? It's like a small community store thinking it's as big and widespread as Walgreens or McDonalds.
I saw that blatant display of bullshit at Massacre-Ade and frankly, I can see why people switched off in droves and reportedly waited till the individual matches were put on Youtube so they could see decent on screen talent like the main event match and that Nude MMA contest. Seriously, do you think siding with low life and talentless idiots like Arabella, Undine, Damien and Sebastien would save the show? Do you think that people actually wanna see the bunch of you clogging up their screens when they paid to watch a decent ppv ruined by a bunch of arrogant, egotistical and bitter morons try to prove some sort of point by destroying any credibility you had or any momentum LVW had going for it by sticking your faces in matches and "winning" shit you frankly wasn't booked for?
Then you still think you're worthy of the title I hold with pride and honour? After that display of immaturity? Ming Lei worked her ass off trying to prove to Cherry Hymen that she could keep LVW running smoothly in her absence and that was bastardised by Sebastien suddenly appearing and letting you retards run riot all over a carefully planned event.
You see why Sebastien hasn't been allowed to run the shows the last few weeks? Judging by what happened at Massacre-Ade I wouldn't be surprised if he got fired and serious repercussions happened, including you and your new bunch of assholes getting the pink slip sent to you all for what you did.
If any of those monkeyspanks even dares to interfere in this match I'm gonna see to it that every single one of you ends up dead and buried in that graveyard for talentless fools who think they're better than they actually are and then walk out because until that happened, LVW was actually starting to look up for the first time in ages. Just cause other lesser promotions who think they're huge when no one's heard of it before would let morons like you get away with that, doesn't mean wrestling companies which are worth watching or working for has to suffer that same fate. I mean, you're all a bunch of talentless idiots who has to try to abuse Sebastien's role as LVW staff to get ahead. Damien? Perennial jobber. Camilla and Arabella? Pointless wastes of existence. Undine? Jealous of my wife, otherwise why else keep mentioning her in a match that doesn't involve her? Faith was the first ever female World champion in wrestling history, beat a Hardcore Icon several months in a row and was engaged in bitter feuds with the very best female in this business, a woman by the name of Justice. All that was accomplished years before Undine even decided to run her pathetic excuses and jealous rants inside a wrestling ring. If she wins the Sex Kitten title there's seriously something incredibly wrong in the world. As for you Emily? We'll see what happens when I put you and all your little wannabe main eventers in your places as the REAL jobbers in LVW, right where everyone but yourselves considers you to be. F****** retards.
Emily I swear to god, if I have to be the one saving everybody from people like you then I'll be only too happy to put you in your place. I've gone against better, more talented and more famous wrestlers than you, I've lost to some and defeated all the others since before you even decided to disgrace a pair of wrestling boots by wearing them.
The show I'm defending this title on is appropriate because after thursday night, LVW will be one ho down, many more to destroy to make this a better place to be. This I swear.
Dazz gives a look of disdain towards the camera as it slowly fades to black.
