King Kong ain't got nothing on this freak

A calm and peaceful day shows as, like Kelly Rien’s legs, the scene opens to show an urban jungle, tall buildings piercing the skyline as they stand proud of their surroundings. Businessmen and women wearing dark suits and carrying briefcases full of important work related documents on their way to the office for a hard day behind the desk walking amongst others dressed in more casual attire either working, on their way to or from work or possibly even taking the day off. In some cases they’re unemployed so lets ignore these lazy bums and focus instead on the fact that this very clear, sunny and cloudless day is about to become even more perfect in ways that nobody in this picturesque scene of city life could ever predict nor comprehend.

Our tale follows a petite young female with long dark hair, big brown eyes and mocha skin. She walks down the street wearing sand colored three quarter length pants, white flip flops and a black sleeveless top, matching black cap on her head, women seen walking past with men who can’t help but ogle her, the ladies smacking their companions on the arm or pulling them closer to avoid this hot chick strutting casually. Some of the females alone or with friends smile at her, admiring her confidence, one or two women even joining in the men and ogling the hot piece of ass walking past them. One man stops her, the woman staring at him and sighing, not wanting to be stopped by anybody. He smiles and looks her up and down.

MAN: Excuse me, can I suck your toes?

She stares at him in disbelief as he watches her, waiting for a response. After a few seconds pause she smiles at him.

WOMAN: Sure.

He rubs his hands with glee and grins, waiting until she suddenly raises her left leg and blasts him in the mouth with a stiff kick that knocks him to the ground, sitting stunned and bleeding as he holds his jaw in pain. After seeing the damage she’s caused, the female smiles to herself and keeps walking proud of herself, swinging her hips as she takes each step. Looking every bit the epitome of sexiness, it seems like the sun literally radiates from her as she lights up this boring and drab city, a glow emanating from her skin. Crossing the street she thought she could hear a large thud behind her, shaking her head and putting it down to the large truck that just turned the corner after she crossed. But with the truck now at a distance the thud is heard a second time, the woman frowns as she walks, wondering what the hell that noise could be and hoping it’ll end soon so she can hear her own thoughts again, not wanting to be disturbed as she imagines holding the Women’s championship aloft in the not too distant future, imagines herself in bed with her guy later that day, imagines what fun she could have at work when she arrives at the radio station.

THUD!

There it goes again. What the hell is it?

THUD!

Whatever it is, it better stop soon.

THUD!

Why does it seem like it’s getting closer?

THUD!!

That last one shaking the ground, the concrete beneath her feet reverberating as she feels it go up her body like a chill, spine rattling slightly as another thud almost topples her, having to steady herself as she notices a very large shadow cast upon the ground, bathing her in cool air with the shadow stretching out along the street as far as she can see. Slowly turning around, she twists her head sideways to look over her shoulder as stands with a curious frown on her face.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

She lets out the loudest scream imaginable, causing others to look in the direction to see what she could be yelling about. All the while she stands looking terrified and screaming, rooted to the spot in fear as she stares at the object causing the huge shadow across the ground. Standing almost as tall as a skyscraper is a huge beast with pale skin, huge muscular limbs and a torso as thick and wide as the state of Texas. The beast has short blonde hair on top of its head and wears roughly created material resembling boots and short wrestling tights. He stares around wildly, eyes rolling in that giant skull darting to the left and then the right as he watches the people below scrambling to escape by foot or driving off at high speeds in their cars. An almighty earth trembling roar emerges from the beast’s mouth, yelling at the top of his lungs, his monstrous voice reaching seemingly the far corners of the globe as the people scatter below, looking very much like ants to him.

He stares as the frightened humans below try to escape his sight, wanting to hide where it’s safe in case anything happened to them, some successfully taking refuge without him spotting them while he laughs to himself at the others diving into cover in plain sight of him. After looking around and enjoying this fear-driven scene he has created, his eyes rest upon the female who had everybody staring before his arrival, watching as she runs away, his gaze definitely not the attention she’d like to enjoy. Without having to move his massive feet at all, the monster reaches down with a mighty hand and clutches her gently around the body, lifting her into the air as she screams and tries to wriggle free, calling for help. The beast just grins at her pleas and stares at her, wanting to see her squirm in terror and enjoying every second she spends at his complete mercy. She looks up at his sneering face, monstrous and with a hint of evil, a piercing shriek emits from her mouth as she continues trying in vain to escape and run as far away as she can but unable to do so in his powerful grip.

He stares at her face and realizes a sense of familiarity, taking in her features as she gasps for breath after her intense screaming session, staring at each other as he realizes where he’s seen her before. This woman had been one of two thorns in his side the last month or so and here she was, trapped in his palm with nowhere to go. If she got loose and jumped, she’d surely die from the impact with the ground below. Then again he could squeeze the life out of her, leave her a bloody and crumpled mess in his fingers. Perhaps he could bite her in two and both snack and get her out of his life, stop her meddling and arrogance at the same time. Before a decision could be made however, he felt a sharp pain as a loud boom was heard in the street. Turning around, he saw armed forces in tanks, trucks, cars and even on foot all aiming rifles, machine guns and the tank turrets at him. Almost immediately after taking in the sight of this group of armed forces all pointing various weapons at him, the monster sees a man covered in medals standing atop a vehicle and waving his arm in the air, resting it as his finger points directly at the chest of the beast in front of them all.

FIRE!!!

At once, flames, smoke and flashing lights emitted from the end of the weapons, rattling and banging as each bullet and shell is shot towards the monster as he stands watching and roaring, each hit piercing his flesh as crimson rains down to the ground from the wounds, none deep enough to cause anything more than a minor scratch upon his surface, the female stuck in his grip screaming again and begging to be released and free to get as far away from this as possible. A small yell is heard under all the heavy fire and slowly, each weapon comes to a silent halt. The general at the forefront who called for the artillery to unload on the monster holds a pair of binoculars to his eyes, staring at something for several minutes in silence before dropping them onto his seat and looking around at his men.

Hold your fire gentlemen, we got a hostage situation. The hostile has a young female in its right hand and any fire could cause an unnecessary fatality.

The soldiers stand around waiting for the next command as their general tries to figure out a new strategy that will not only take this beast down and kill it but also save the woman trapped in its grip without causing her any harm. As he struggles to come up with anything that will create a success in both areas of the situation, the monster begins to laugh, a deep booming chuckle that echoes through the streets of this now deserted city, those still escaping hearing it and feeling a chill of terror go through their bodies, soldiers pacing back and forth wanting to kill the monster immediately for the sheer arrogance it’s displaying at this moment. The laughing ceases however when a flash lights up the sky and something speeds through the air towards the monster, pausing in front of its face floating in midair. The soldiers look up and see a man wearing a light blue spandex body suit, red Y fronts over the top, red boots and a flowing red cape, a large yellow diamond shaped crest on his chest with a big red S in the middle of it.

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

No retards, its Richard Simmons.

Superman looks down at the soldiers and shakes his head, his super hearing powers enabling him to hear them, realizing for himself that “military intelligence” really are two words that, when combined, don’t make sense at all. His head turns to face the monster and sees the female stuck in its grip.

Fear not fair lady because I will save you from this monster and teach it a lesson in manners.

She folds her arms across her ample chest and frowns, not looking very impressed.

Get on with it then and shut the fuck up.

With this piece of impatience and forwardness, he shrugs and tries to use his laser eyes to loosen the grip and release the female so he can swoop and catch her safely, causing a prickly and hot sensation on the beast’s hand while the woman takes out a compact and adjusts her hair, the sudden movements of the monster holding her causing the mirror to slip out of her hand and tumble to the ground, reflecting the lasers back at Superman as he takes a shot of his own power straight to the chest, knocking him backwards and causing a burn in his suit, the mirror smashing on arrival with the ground below.

Bitch you better get me a new one once I get down from here.

Once he’s got his bearings again, Superman rushes at the monster, trying to use his super strength and punching at the chest and abdomen, still not enough though as the huge eyes stare at the Krypton native, looking at this pathetic creature trying to smash through the flesh but the pummeling doing nothing more than give a slight prod, more annoying than painful. Raising its free hand, the monster raises his free hand and bends his forefinger against his thumb, holding it near Superman and then flicking him away, watching as the Man of Steel hurtles away. The soldiers watching this very one sided fight droop their heads in mild disappointment, a whooshing noise startling them and causing each face to look up once more and show excitement again as Superman returns, this time played by Brandon Routh as he flies straight at the monster’s chest, colliding with an almighty crash. Once the dust has settled and the view is clear, we see Superman looking startled as the huge creature looks down barely damaged, looking infuriated as he reaches and grabs Superman in that almighty grip, squeezing as red and blue begins to drip like orange juice onto the floor below, crunching noises for the entire duration until the beast releases the remnants of this once great superhero, nothing but a symbol and a billowing cape as both flutter to the concrete below.

Like a bolt of lightning from the sky, a man with short blonde hair wearing black pants and black top with a silver piece of armor protecting his torso and carrying a golden sword and silver shield appears, standing at the feet of this monstrosity.

Praise the Lord, Duke Lion is here to save us!

Duke raises his golden sword, aiming it at the beast and shooting fireballs from the tip of the weapon, each blast connecting with the giant, making him shift his legs due to the heat and the impact, biting at his flesh as Duke takes the opportunity to take out his quiver of arrows and his bow, taking aim and letting off shot after shot, magical arrows flying like sparrows towards their target, circling a little before hitting at the same points as the fireballs moments earlier. Arrows jut out from the legs of the creature but still it stands, Duke soon running out of arrows and hacking away at the shins, trying to cut through to the bone but the monster soon grows tired of the stinging cuts and kicks, sending Duke flying into the distance. As the monster breathes a sigh of relief and wonders which section of the army below him to crush first, five strange looking creatures of different colors appear, waving their arms around wildly in different fighting stances as they talk, full head helmets making their voices nothing more than muffled words. After seconds of inaudible speaking, they leap high into the air, a huge robot suddenly materializing as they disappear inside it, all seated in one control room, the robot eyeballing the monster, the city suddenly turning into something that resembles cardboard and plastic, almost like a model city meant to be destroyed like in those cheap movies or shitty television shows where every city looks alike and no matter how much is destroyed it always seems nothing is wrong only moments later.

The monster and the robot rush forwards and collide together, grappling due to the fact they’re now made of rubber and tin cans, the actors inside the suits barely able to do anything other than grappling, waving their hands about and toppling over. An epic struggle between the two ensues, neither one with an advantage as they seemingly dance, holding each other and rocking from side to side as the set they’re standing on collapses, the backdrop falling to reveal stagehands sitting drinking cheap beer and talking amongst themselves as the action takes place in front of them. The monsters continue to tussle and brawl, throwing each other and landing on cardboard buildings, making them crumple to the ground and bend awkwardly under the weight of the people and the costumes. They slowly roll onto their sides and struggle to push themselves up onto their feet, eventually managing once a few stagehands have walked onto the set, clutching the suited people under their arms and hoisting them upright, quickly dashing away again as the creatures roar and once more rush towards each other, pushing and shoving each other. The monster that appeared in the city initially shoves the man in the robot suit, watching as he falls over and his costume tears, the helmet falling off to reveal his face as he rolls on the ground out of shot, the camera’s view suddenly changing once more to that of the street and the huge buildings from before, the soldiers nearby wondering where their mechanical hero had disappeared to. The monster responds in kind by screaming at the top of his lungs, letting the bellow echo off the skyscrapers and other large buildings, causing more widespread panic and fear. The female in the monster’s grip continues to scream and attempt to escape, failing to do so as he keeps his grip tight around her hot and very sexy body.

It was at that moment that a strange whooshing sound could be heard throughout the city, a gentle wind gathering pace and a church bell ringing out from nowhere, causing everybody to move their heads side to side to see where the noise was coming from.

THERE!

The general points and all of his troops turn their heads to look in that direction, watching as three men wearing black pants, black shirts and white collars, quite obviously priests, walk down the street side by side without fear shown on their faces, edging closer to the monster as he looks down at them with a puzzled look on his face, watching as they stand a hundred yards from his enormous feet.

What the hell are they doing sir?

Damned if I know son.

Looks like they’re muttering sir, maybe a prayer?

They watch as the priests slowly move their arms, making the sign of the cross with their right hands in a scene somewhat resembling an exorcism before looking up at the beast, watching him snarl at them but remaining unflinching.

These men are crazy. They’re just standing there and doing squat to get rid of that thing.

Two of the priests stand side by side, their arms outstretched and hands touching as the third performs a perfect back flip, landing on top of the shoulders of his fellow clergymen, stretching his arms out to the sides too as he yells.

Priests…..UNITE! Form of……RELIGION!

A mysterious golden glow surrounds the trifecta of priests, bathing them in holy light as the priest on his friend’s shoulders slowly moves his arms forwards, pointing them directly ahead of him at the monster, all the energy pushed out and beaming at the beast, who shields his eyes from the glow. The light beam slowly edges closer to the monster as it reaches into its very soul, slowly burrowing into the skin, deep into the midsection as the priests leap side by side to watch their handiwork, the huge monster starting to look more than a little worried as it stares down at its stomach, frowning as the female in his hand watches and wonders what the creature holding her is doing, listening to its incredible roar and hoping it doesn’t drop her to the concrete as it writhes around seemingly in pain and agony, clutching with the free hand across the stomach and tears welling in its eyes, the military below slowly moving back in case it topples on top of them. The female in his grip screams and tries to escape, some of the military creeping close to try and rescue her before she falls to her certain death. A light begins to form inside the monster’s body, the beast raising his gaze to the heavens and opening his huge mouth, no sound coming out at all, just silence and a dazzling light, the beam reaching up from its belly and piercing the clouds above.

The soldiers below and the female being carefully hauled away from her gigantic kidnapper all stare in wonder at this sight, a vision of a man appearing in the beam of light floating from out of the monster’s mouth towards the sky, halting halfway up and stretching out his arms to the sides. Clouds gather and darken the skies as a slight breeze begins to blow, not long before the breeze turns into a strong wind, hair, leaves and trash blowing across the street as this mysterious silhouetted man slowly raises his arms above his head, an energy glow getting brighter and bigger until he suddenly jerks his arms towards the monster, a mighty implosion trapped within a ball of light, the people below shielding their eyes to avoid blindness while a strange humming and crackling sound fills their ears, ever louder, the noise hammering their eardrums and making them hear nothing else as if it was deafening them. The ground trembles below them, sending shivers up their spines, bones rattling inside the flesh until, all of a sudden, the ground returns to stillness. The humming, crackling and rumbling noises are suddenly quiet. The storm clouds part and allow the sun to shine once more, blue skies overhead.

The female stands looking around, wondering what on earth has just happened, turning her head to see the monster but finding nothing. No beast standing watching over them with an evil glint in its eye and a bloodthirsty grin spread across its face. No body lying on the ground without life, without a soul, without humanity. Not a shred of evidence of a corpse can be found anywhere within sight, after the damage caused by whatever came out of the priests and whatever emerged from the monster, there should rightfully be a dead body to analyze, to study and figure out its inner workings, the type of species it is, diet and how to best deal with it for fear of a future attack. Scientists and zoologists the world over would have had a field day with something like the beast that attacked this busy city, defeated Superman, Duke Lion, the Power Rangers and was more than a match for military might but instead, not a trace remains of this monstrosity.

Continuing to look around, every pair of eyes on this now quiet and deserted inner city street tries to see just a scrap, a hint, the tiniest of morsels to prove that what stood before them was real and a danger to their lives but instead, nothing. The rumbling of its feet left no scars on the concrete, the fighting caused no damage to nearby buildings and no human life was lost, no casualty of war to deal with. The last of that list may be the best outcome from all of this but the rest….could it be a form of madness, premature dementia brought on by the stress of modern life? No, that can’t be the case because hundreds, even thousands of people saw and ran away from the creature. The real question other than where the corpse had vanished to was what destroyed it? Who was that male that emerged from deep within, trapped within light and then destroyed it? The priests stand congratulating each other on a job well done, shaking hands as the female and the army general stride towards them, each with the same questions, the priests giving the curious pair their full attention.

What the hell was that thing?

Ahh, it was a creature with the Latin name of Screwjobus Idiotus, better known amongst our brethren as Isaac.

You nicknamed the son of a bitch?

Yes.

And what, what did you guys do to it?

We just prayed and used our energy of love to penetrate its soul and give it comfort and light, try to change its ways and help it reach Heaven where all of God’s creatures reside.

That thing is now running loose in Heaven?

Yes it is.

Ok so if that place even exists, it’s on the rampage there too? What the hell were you thinking?

The same as our Lord thinks, love all of His creatures. Everybody is welcome in the kingdom of Heaven as long as it has a true heart full of love and we helped it achieve that and overpowered the animalistic tendencies.

But there was a man inside that seemed to float and there were strange noises, explain that one God boy.

The priest gives a slight smile, his eyes twinkling.

Yes, that would be our Lord.

Huh?

Yes, our Lord, the supreme being that we worship, pray to and ask for guidance on a daily basis, the reason we’re all here.

So, can I see him again or was that a one shot deal?

Oh you may see Him again, all you need to do is pray.

After this slight revelation, the general raises his eyebrows almost in humor, not sure what to think of what he’d seen and heard today, wondering if this was actually happening or just a strange dream brought on by the extra pepperoni pizza he ate last night while thinking of his ex-wife, the woman who left him for somebody that wasn’t selfish and so wrapped up in his own testosterone fuelled world that he neglected his significant other to go drinking with the boys. Yep, his life was a total mess these days so what was the delay, why shouldn’t he pray, try to improve his now pathetic life while also hoping for a glimpse of whatever it was that was in the light. He closed his eyes, imagining words forming in his mind, a silent prayer while the others around him watch, looking up constantly waiting. And then it appeared.

A brilliant white flash that filled up the skies, lighting everything a dazzling white, the soldiers and the female turning their heads side to side, taking in this glorious view, each thinking the exact same thing. This is what Heaven must be like. The strangeness of this, the atmosphere feeling like each person were alone even though there were probably hundreds of them gathered on this quiet street, a somber and peaceful silence washing over each person creating their own idyllic personal space, relaxation taking over their entire body. Like before, the large beam of light arriving, this time striking the ground from above rather than coming out of anything or anyone, almost like an elevator of light and within it, the same silhouette as earlier, arms outstretched as the figure traveled slowly down until reaching the ground, feet planted firmly on the concrete and stepping out of the light. The soldiers gasp as the female stands and admires the thing of beauty before her, watching as she first notices those shined black boots reflecting light and slight reflections of the gathering crowd. The white pants, creased at the front and as clean as can be, hugging those muscular thighs and topped with a black belt, silver buckle with the word MESSIAH across it glinting in the light. The figure’s torso bare, perfectly sculpted abdomen like an old washboard, something which most men could only wish for and relatively few will ever achieve. Hanging down his back is long dark hair, blonde highlights scattered in it and a thick silver chain around the neck and resting against that toned chest. Crafted sideburns rest on each side of that gorgeous face, a face which women melt at the sight of, a pair of Oakley sunglasses protecting his eyes from the bright light which surrounds him almost continuously.

Dazz!

The female smiles brightly, fluttering her eyelashes at him as he returns the grin, walking towards each other and embracing, arms wrapped around the other’s back as they start making out in front of the soldiers. After a few minutes of this, Dazz looks at the military who are all still very much shocked over this sight, watching as he steps towards the general and looks at him.

My Lord, please, forgive me for not believing in you. My life was a mess, my wife had left me, my kids don’t speak to me any more and I have an alcohol problem. I always knew you were the better and more talented man and yet I still chose Isaac Reynolds as the person who would walk out of When Worlds Collide as American champion. I’m so sorry I lost my faith in you, I deserve a long slow death and an eternity in Purgatory for choosing him over you.

The Lord spoketh to him with a slight laugh to try and ease the mood.

Don’t worry dude, everyone makes mistakes and after the mistake at the start of the month, those who sinned against me by choosing him…well lets just say that at Havok, your rightful American champion will emerge from the chaos and take that belt to a higher place where it belongs. The belt has always been my possession, much like the Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, the Spear of Destiny and the stone tablets. The only difference is that while those objects have remained elusive throughout the years with fakes made, other objects claimed to be those holy artifacts and constant searches over the last few millennia to find these things, the NLCW American championship has remained elusive only to myself, a fake champion crowned and still holding that divine piece of craftsmanship and non-believers taking it upon themselves to deny their Lord Almighty the chance to become what was his from the beginning, choosing instead a false messiah, a false idol. It’s like Ancient Egypt all over again with the multitude of fake gods worshipped. All I need now is for Dan Brown to write a novel about it and claim it as a work of fiction.

But no my children, this Sunday I will unleash Havok, I will unleash a plague of awesomeness that will engulf the population and spread all over this world until I am declared the one true God. The time of worshipping other lesser gods is over. For too long the NLCW world has ignored my sacred word, my commandments have been treated like a used porno and my Heavenly influence is cast aside for lesser mortal beings who are worshipped in place of a true Messiah such as myself. No more my children for this Sunday I will show the world just how destructive my hand can be upon this Earth, razing villages and cities to the ground with one swipe of my holy right hand. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. Now come Karla, you sexy bitch you.

He smiles and wraps an arm around Karla’s shoulder, embracing her and making out with her again as the light reappears around them, whisking them off to the Heavens where they belong while mere mortals continue to live on the Earth below.

MORAL OF THE STORY
Never worship false idols because no matter how big and tough they may seem, the smallest and least likely to be an all powerful being will always surprise those foolish enough not to believe in them. Like the monster, Isaac Reynolds was dominant but was outmatched by the Messiah of Metal, Isaac’s only salvation coming from a bribed official who helped him cheat to retain the championship which should rightfully be around the waist of Dazz.

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