How can I be lost if I got nowhere to go?
What the hell had been going on in his life to get to this point?
That was the one question he kept asking himself over and over the past few weeks, only while he'd asked that of himself before in the past - mainly while looking back in shock at the fact he was holding an Undisputed or a World Heavyweight championship against odds that even he himself put up against him or when frustrated at something not going his way like an injury forcing him to cut short what could've been a memorable encounter inside the ring or even in his other career as a heavy metal musician with millions of fans all over the world coming to his band's shows and buying the albums - but this time.....
This time it was completely different. It was one of those moments that he dreaded for so long, he and Faith getting back together after her relationship with Syd Ashley continued - as it had started when she and Dazz were separated - while he had just come out of a relationship with Karla Kotero, someone who shared the love of partying that he once had in the early half of his career. Dazz and Faith had got a quick marriage under their belts and dashed off on vacation before returning to wrestling specifically to compete for LVW after catching it on tv in their hotel room.
Now, after almost a year back together, he felt as though the whole world had collapsed and left him with nothing again, just like this time last year when he found himself mentally and physically burned out from the constant sex and partying he'd done with Karla, nonstop in both activities while also becoming addicted to heroin and cocaine, something he hoped to stay away from but couldn't resist in his drunken, exhausted state of mind. The only difference was that while back then he managed to turn to Faith - the only constant throughout his life other than music and professional wrestling - and have her help him out of the quagmire of a new onslaught of his bipolar disorder, now he couldn't. The manic state most certainly helped him in his days with Karla when he was able to party like he did all those years ago when he began wrestling as a teenager and in his absolute arrogance, again something he hadn't experienced since way back when in his career but he was heading fast towards depression again and Faith helped him when he couldn't even manage to contact his old Chaos A.D. team members of friends to seek their help.
Truth be told, he didn't want their help. Tommy Chaos would lecture him about the dangers of drugs while Fear would stand over him shooting a disappointed look from atop his 7'1 peak, Alex Taylor meanwhile would just offer him a beer and some weed like they gave each other for their two years as best friends and the greatest, most dominant tag team in wrestling's illustrious history.
He didn't need that though, he needed the touch of someone who knew him intimately in every sense of the word, who knew his inner workings and the only person that applied to was Faith. Luckily she was able to help him out, pull him through the swamps and marshes of this chaotic world inside his head and aid him when he needed it most. He'd felt appreciative of that and counted his blessings and thanked any higher power out there that may have been watching and guiding the two back together again in such a way. The same higher power he was hoping would repeat that again now when he needed it most. The thing was, even while they were separated last time he deeply cared for Faith and thought of her a lot and that feeling only grew when they got back together and got wed but now.....now he really missed her.
The touch of her firm, muscular yet still feminine and athletic body against his, that sweet warmth that emanated whenever she smiled at him, the fact that not only had they met during a show for a professional wrestling company, they'd teamed together now and then - a lot less than they'd hoped - to win Tag Team championships together, had fought each other in high quality matches, first in a regular match for a World Heavyweight championship (with Faith winning to take the belt from him albeit after unwanted help from her husband's years old enemy, Nemesis) then again in a Domestic Violence match for the LVW Orgasmic championship in late 2008 where both ended up naked, Faith smacked her husband in the face with a dildo taken right out of Mizz Laci Williams' wet pussy and Dazz gaining the win and retaining the title with a pin cover that included the first ever husband and wife penetration in LVW's history.
The very fact that he only took the job in LVW and signed the contract because his wife wanted to work there showed how much he thought of her and how she really was his whole life. They'd both left their home full of excitement and wonder at what it could be like in LVW, the two having masturbated and even made love while watching Ho Down but despite the bevy of beauties in LVW, despite the fact that Dazz had taken on Faith's girlfriend Syd, who she kept despite getting back with her now husband, there was only one woman for him and she was the dark haired Vicious Vixen, someone declared one of wrestling's toughest and most talented female wrestlers of all time and the first to win a World Heavyweight championship, indeed in some circles she was still the only female World Heavyweight champ due to the fact that most World titles just didn't matter other than the one she won and held for almost 4 months against the world's toughest opponents, all of them male.
It was funny though, despite her tough exterior, Dazz knew that Faith was sensitive inside and the fact he'd upset her unknowingly upset him too. This was why the questioning came into his head, wondering how it had all happened, trying to think through the haze and the fog to get to the heart of this problem and see what he could do to try to fix it. He couldn't go to her this time to help him like he had before, she hadn't spoken to him for a while and while he wanted to contact her so badly, he didn't know how she'd react, if she even bothered to answer his messages so he left well alone, hoping she'd contact him first so they could talk it out. Even turning to Syd Ashley wielded no results, the blonde bombshell hinting that he had to approach Faith about the situation having not known herself the details, only vague elements and not wishing to get any further involved due to the fact it was between husband and wife not them and their girlfriend.
To say it scared him was an understatement, not knowing where to turn or how to go about things was terrifying. He was guarded about his feelings even to those close to him and didn't really know how to socialise with people or how to ask for help. To think, him, one of the most charismatic men in wrestling and one of the greatest frontmen in music not knowing how to talk to a person. It probably would seem so funny to anyone who knew this fact considering how much he talked in public yet that was the problem. In front of thousands of fans live in an arena and even millions around the world watching at home on television he felt comfortable but one on one? Face to face? He couldn't do it, he only got through interviews by portraying a character to help him get through it while the real Dazz, the one away from the bright lights was a quiet soul, using a gym in silence to preserve his pristine physique, sitting at home deep in thought with one of his older matches or even more recent ones blared in the background on tape or DVD supposedly for him to study but sometimes an excuse to not have to speak to anyone because of this petrifying notion of having to entertain a conversation with somebody else.
He felt like an idiot for having this type of anxiety but perhaps this was why he was hesitant to try and speak to his wife about it? He wasn't sure exactly how she was reacting to him not contacting her but it did upset him when Syd told him that what he did had hurt his wife so much that she began sleeping with almost every female in LVW. How could she do that to him? Surely she could've argued with him, slept exclusively with Syd for a time until he'd sufficiently made it up to her then they could get on with things rather than her doing whatever she was now doing. All of this over a stupid, drunken blowjob.....
******
How could he know
This new dawn's light
Would change his life forever?
Set sail to sea
But pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure
Was he the one causing pain
With his careless dreaming?
Been afraid
Always afraid
Of the things he's feeling
He could just be gone
He would just sail on
He'll just sail on
How can I be lost
If I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?
How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive?
These days drift on
Inside a fog
It's thick and suffocating
His sinking life
Outside it's hell
Inside, intoxication
He's run aground
Like his life
Water much too shallow
Slipping fast
Down with his ship
Fading in the shadows
Now a castaway
They've all gone away
They've gone away
How can I be lost
If I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?
How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive?
Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me
Why can't I forgive me?
Set sail to sea
But pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure
How could he know
This new dawn's light
Would change his life forever?
How can I be lost
If I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?
How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
So how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive?
The Unforgiven 3 - Metallica
******
Sitting on the black leather bench with his back resting against the wooden backing fixed firmly to the wall, Dazz released a sigh from his lungs, his left hand resting upon his denim clad thigh while the right hand was gently wrapped around a bottle of beer, something he hadn't done in a while and something he never thought he'd ever do again after his brief stint as an alcoholic. He'd fallen off the wagon after becoming depressed, nothing in particular causing it though, his bipolar disorder meant that his mood came and went and changed at will, shapeshifting from elation and happiness one minute and angry and upset the next over everything and nothing all at the same time. He hated having this affliction but luckily after his diagnosis and his friends and family becoming wiser to the facts and details of this illness, he wasn't seen by them as an asshole or stand-offish. Indeed, they saw him as being out of control of his feelings, unable to control them and ebbing and flowing like the tides of the world's oceans from the mania stages where he'd feel above everybody else, joyful and full of energy to the depressive state which would make him low, subdued, anxious and sometimes even suicidal.
He'd refused medication mainly because he'd tried them and didn't feel a change so rather stuck with trying to self-control without success, being told the disorder would come and go as it pleased, barging into a happy occasion and making it upsetting for him or making what should be a sad time such as a funeral and making him full of energy, racing around talking constantly and telling jokes no matter how inappropriate or odd. This wouldn't be helped but right now, the depression had set in and been there a week, again not knowing what was causing it but suddenly thoughts racing into his mind, even the triumphs of his professional life - being inducted into the Hall of Fame of several companies, becoming one of wrestling's most decorated athletes ever, managing to hang with and be associated with those people who he looked up to when he first began in the business when he wished to reach their level and compete against them, which he managed to do eventually - and somehow turn all of that into depressing thoughts about the fact that he couldn't do this or that even if in a normal state of mind he could watch those old matches and see for himself that he pulled out everything he had to either come out on top or come up short by just a hair.
Now because of all of that, he was situated in a bar in Los Angeles, having visited old friends he hadn't seen in years to make amends for being too busy to give some time to them. Looking around, he saw many other rock and metal fans talking, drinking, having fun. Thin Lizzy's classic song "Jailbreak" was playing on the jukebox on the wall while he sat alone at a round table, the jackets of his friends placed at the back of their chairs, draped over stools or thrown into a corner of the bench he was sitting on. The long ginger hair of his most famous band's drummer Russell, the very first musician he met when he trekked from Toronto to San Francisco as a teenager, hung like drapes over his shoulders as he leant forwards to stroke his pool cue across the table on the other side of the bar, striking the cue ball and smiling as he found he'd potted a ball and took another turn while the tall and gangly Lee - that band's lead guitarist - stood quietly watching, holding his cue in one hand while a glass of orange juice was held in the other, Lee being teetotal and avoiding alcohol his entire life.
The Thin Lizzy song finished while another started, a roar coming from one corner of the room and approaching as Dazz turned his head, noticing the tall and slender figure of Steve, the slightly taller and bald Chris with a labret poking through the skin below his bottom lip and the blonde haired and glasses wearing Ian approached, all holding drinks - in Ian's case another orange juice due to his driving while Steve and Chris carried beer as well as a tray full of different shot glasses - with wide grins on their faces, singing along to what turned out to be "Brothers of Metal" by Manowar.
Steve: Brothers of metal!
Chris: We are fighting with power and steel, fighting for metal, metal thats real, brothers of metal will always be there, standing together with hands in the air.
Dazz smiled as they sat and drank, staring at the large amount of shot glasses, all of different colours and shades.
Dazz: So, errr....what's in this then?
Steve: Shots. We got all kinds, cactus, apple, mango, raspberry, straight vodka, every kind the place has.
Dazz: And we're gonna drink them all right?
Steve and Chris nodded while they smiled, Ian looking a little nervous as he too was teetotal having been brought up deeply religious but still enjoying rock music and playing bass guitar occasionally. He'd seen this group of people drinking anyway before many times and wasn't daunted by the sight.
Chris: It's a shame we couldn't get the beer in glasses, we could've built the Tower of Ba-beer-lon like we did back in England once.
He nodded his response of agreement. They always made puns like that, making a Babylonian tower from beer glasses in the United Kingdom caused that particular word - the record before it was taken away was 12 glasses stacked upside down one on top of the other - while others included the popular and yearly Alcoholocaust (which occured every October when possible) and what Dazz had named the Japandemonium Tour when they played shows in the Land of the Rising Sun. Truth was, this group of people were full of odd puns and jokes, even in jokes amongst themselves such as quoting the movies Commando and Kickboxer or having their "Hand of F.A.T.E." (a full fledged slap known as Five Across The Eyes) amongst other things.
They'd had their infamous "Brothers of Metal Drinking Game" which involved the song which had envoked a cheer seconds ago and taking a shot or a swig of whichever alcoholic drink they had at hand whenever the words "metal" or "steel" were uttered in the lyrics, the fact that the words were uttered a total of 25 times at the very least and they played the game twice in a row causing one friend to become violently sick before they'd even left the house to head to a bar for a few hours and then a rock club until 6am back on their most legendary Alcoholocaust in October 2007. Some of the people here in their group weren't there back then but they were having fun regardless now anyway. Dazz looked up to see his second oldest friend (besides Chris, who he'd known since the two were 4 years old), a stocky man of his own age with short brown hair and piercing blue eyes, someone who Dazz first began his wrestling against when the two decided to try backyard wrestling in this person's house and who was the same age as Dazz and had known him since they were 6 years old. This man was Andy and he carried his own beer and sat down, without his girlfriend Jo for the first time since Dazz remembered them meeting and getting together back in their college days.
Andy: What's up man, long time no see.
Dazz rose to his feet, clasping Andy's free hand as the two hugged briefly then sat down, respect shown between the two who once couldn't be separated - like some of his other friends throughout life - but now had been too busy to even call and catch up on each other's lives.
Dazz: I'm good man, real good. Still wrestling, still making music, happy with Faith as usual. How've you been?
Andy: The same, work, Jo, pretty much it.
Dazz: Still playing guitar?
Andy: No haven't had time lately.
It seemed a shame he wasn't, Dazz had helped teach him a bunch of songs despite Andy starting guitar a few years before and having lessons then while the man who called himself the Messiah of Metal had taught himself - once making jokes in college with Andy that had them talking about guitar while making sexual innuendo such as "my fingering's got real good lately" and "ha, he's playing with his G string" - and the two were pretty good, Dazz having taught his friend a bunch of Metallica, Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath riffs. The night seemed to pass quickly as more songs played in the background, Lee and Russell joining them at the table, drinks consumed and more bought to replace them and the necessary singing along to whatever they heard and cracking jokes while discussing their lives.
Dazz was mainly drinking not only to be sociable with his friends considering they were all in a bar together but also because of his sudden depression with unknown causes. In fact most of the time spent seemed to pass in a blur, unable to recall something said only a few hours before but enjoying the fact that, even in this state, he seemed to have the attentions of a large breasted blonde woman in tight jeans, large boots and a black bra, uncaring as to what she looked like and only focused on the long haired wrestler and rock musician. His friends cheered him on as he thought of Faith but felt unable to push away this blonde, his pleas falling on deaf ears as she continued to writhe around him, seated next to him with her arms wrapped around him or getting in his lap and using his thigh for her chair, brushing the piercings in her bottom lip against his skin as she teased kisses upon his face.
Again everything was a blur as next thing he remembered was being seated looking at the inside of his own lounge at home resting with legs slightly parted and sighing, finding that he was completely naked and his cock rigid, a third of that thick long shaft out of his view and trapped inside the mouth of the same blonde woman from the bar, her head vigorously bobbing up and down before she stopped, sliding her hand up as she popped him out of her mouth and looked up at him, her tongue gently gliding against the swollen tip of his penis. Her hand began to jerk him off as she lapped at his engorged and wet head, a groan beginning to well up inside him and unable to keep it down as it rose up and escaped his mouth as a similar feeling happened in his loins, the blonde continuing her up and down motion with her right hand as the tip of her tongue rested upon him, a shot of white cream erupting from him like a cannon with her tongue the target, getting some onto it perfectly before she raised her head and pulled herself up onto her knees, aiming his cock down to allow the rest of his spurting to make contact with her bare breasts, his orgasm subsiding as she hungrily slurped up the sticky mess from his tip while allowing the gooey cream to run down her chest towards her stomach and big pink nipples, only one of those erect nubs getting to bathe in his warm manliness.
She rose up, taking a seat on his lap again, making him watch up close as she used her hands to rub his juice into her breasts before kissing him and climbing off, putting on her bra again and smiling as she left him sighing on the couch. He instantly knew what had just happened was wrong and was thankful Faith was with family for a few days so she couldn't have walked in on this but he had to tell her anyway. He decided he had to phone her but first, he needed a shower because he felt so dirty to have done such a horrendous thing and needed to scrub his body all over.
******
Dazz: Hello?
The phone had been ringing a while but he hadn't heard since he was listening to music while he pottered around in the kitchen trying to make himself dinner. He only noticed during that slight silence between a song fading out and a new song bursting into life through the speakers and had hurriedly paused what he was listening to and rushed to the phone to pick it up before it stopped ringing, hoping that it was maybe his wife calling him.
Hey Dazz.
It wasn't Faith. His heart sank as he realised who it was and tried desperately to seem calm even though inside he was tearing himself apart.
Dazz: What the hell do you want?
Awww, come on, why you being so mean to me now?
Dazz: Look, just leave me the hell alone, ok? I don't wanna speak to you so fuck off.
That's not a very nice thing to say now is it?
Dazz: I have every right to say that, especially considering thanks to you I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks and she's turned into....
A whore?
Dazz: I didn't say that.
But she is though, isn't she? Why else would she fuck other women in the LVW locker room?
Dazz: Because of YOU, that's why!
You never really said no.
Dazz: I said it plenty of times but you ignored me and helped me get even more drunk and even more depressed and now you got me in this mess now will you please just fuck off!
He slammed the phone down and pulled the plug from the wall, thankful she didn't have his cell number and sighing in upset and hurt, hearing her voice was something he didn't need nor want right now, not when the only voice he wanted to listen to was his wife's. He went back into the kitchen, slulking towards the oven as he watched over the food slowly cooking, hearing his cell ring after a few minutes causing him to raise both hands to his face and breathe hard and heavy into his palms, hoping against hope at the one thing running through his head right now and trudging over to answer the thing, beginning to rue the day it was even invented in the first place.
Dazz: What?!
Hey, what have I done?
Dazz: Oh, I'm sorry Syd, didn't realise it was you, really sorry.
Syd: Don't you check caller ID? It's ok though but it's not me you should be saying sorry to is it?
Dazz: I know, I know.
Syd: So what got up your ass today anyway to snap at me like that?
He sighed, unsure whether to tell her but then again, this was a woman who was close to Faith, closer than he'd been recently and could talk to her for him. He knew Syd cared for them both, especially him since, despite being a confirmed lesbian, his was the only cock she willingly took while everyone else was turned down because of her preference for pussy. She'd been trying to settle a bridge between him and Faith to at least talk but so far none had budged just yet so he had to tell the truth to the woman who was both his girlfriend as well as his wife's.
Dazz: She called me not long ago.
Syd: Faith?
Dazz: No, her.
Syd: Oh. What happened?
Dazz: Basically she acted innocent and said it was my fault as much as hers so I told her to fuck off and never contact me again cause I don't ever wanna speak to her or even see her again.
Syd: Good, well you got a match at LVW's next ppv anyway to take your mind off it. Bloody something or other match, get to try and win the Bootylicious title again against Selina.
Dazz: And she is? Cause remember, that bitch that caused the trouble between me and Faith had my tickets changed and sent to me so I ended up in Spokane and missed my match against Laci so I don't know who Selina is.
Syd: She's the younger sister of Delilah, oh I almost forgot, it's triple threat, you got another new girl too in the match.
Dazz: Who?
Syd: Some spoilt brat called Kitten, Faith's stepsister, she said they've never got along.
Dazz: Shit.
A lump formed in his throat, his stomach began to feel uneasy and his mind was suddenly swimming, giving him an unsettled feeling as if he were about to vomit.
Syd: What's the matter?
Dazz: Add another reason for Faith to hate Kitten, she's the bitch who blew me and started this whole mess in the first place.
The End
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