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"Concerned with monetary value?
I give you: No Ca$h Value. Suck on my lack of interest in your inflated
currency. You're bankrupt."
- Shane Clemmens 20-01
Our Hero, Shane Clemmens, opens his
eyes on a room that he recognizes but it shocks him. He's in his old
chair, his old house, Montana, circa two thousand one. Last thing he
knew--Till was breaking his neck.
Shane leaps to his feet and the hair
on the back of his neck stands up. He looks out a window but it's pitch
black. The thought of staring any longer frightens him. He turns
abruptly at a loud pounding sound in the other room.
Shane Clemmens: What the fuck is going on?
The pounding continues as Shane heads
to the door and peers around the corner. He pops his neck gingerly and
swallows.
Shane Clemmens: Who's there?
There's the sound of tearing plastic
followed by the snap of bone. Soon something gnashing can be heard.
Shane creeps out into the hallway and walks on his tip toes. The light is
coming from the kitchen. Shane swoops up against the wall and leaps around
the corner letting out a howl!
Shane Clemmens: WAAAATTTAAAHHHHHH!!!
Shane's face to face with
DEATHMACHINE! Both men scream as twinkies fly into the air.
Shane Clemmens: What--how the hell--wait.
DEATHMACHINE: For the love of god! Don't
scare me like that.
Twinkie debris fall from
DEATHMACHINE's mouth as he speaks. He kneels down to pick up the Twinkies.
He dusts them off.
Shane Clemmens: Where the fuck am I, how the
fuck did YOU get here, and, gimme a fucken twinkie.
DEATHMACHINE: You might want to eat the
twinkie first.
DEATHMACHINE pushes the box of
twinkies into Shane's chest.
DEATHMACHINE: You're dead.
Shane Clemmens (Taking a bite out of a twinkie):
What? Fucking no. No fucking way.
DEATHMACHINE: I'm dead too, don't feel bad
buddy.
Shane Clemmens: Fuck that! I'm not dead.
See! Feel.
Shane grabs DEATHMACHINE's arm to
show him but pulls his hand back quickly.
Shane Clemmens: Good god you're ice cold.
DEATHMACHINE: Yep, dead as a door nail.
Shane spits out the Twinkie.
Shane Clemmens: Gah, that doesn't taste like
anything.
DEATHMACHINE: Yeah, kinda sucks. I ate
everything else in the house searching for taste. Now I'm stuffed and
burping up nothing. It's strange.
Shane spins on his heels and makes a
fist!
Shane Clemmens: That fucking Till. I
can't believe he fucken killed me! Damnit! I'm going to beat the
fucken shit out of that asshole.
DEATHMACHINE: How are you going to do that
when you're Dead? I mean... It's not like he's here.
Shane Clemmens: I wish I knew where the hell
'here' is.
DEATHMACHINE: I had no idea hell would be such a
shit hole. Did you see that terrible painting in the front room?
Shane Clemmens: Hey fuck you man, this is my
place.
DEATHMACHINE: The Universal champion lives in
a hovel?
Shane Clemmens: No. Well. It use
to be mine. I think...
Shane takes a real good look at
DEATHMACHINE for a moment before turning his attention to the front door.
Shane Clemmens: Have you tried going outside?
DEATHMACHINE: Oh. Doors. No.
That's how I got here. I was in my crib in the other room. I should
have never left. Ugh. Don't open the door.
Shane Clemmens: Huh?
Shane scratches his head.
Shane Clemmens: How did you get here though?
DEATHMACHINE: Well, funny thing, I thought
about how I wanted to be cool like you and I openned the door and it brought me
here.
Shane walks to the front door.
Shane Clemmens: So If I think say, 'what was
Rayn doing this same night in 2001' I get to go see?
DEATHMACHINE: Ugh. I doubt you want to
know.
Shane laughs.
Shane Clemmens: Not seriously. I'd much
rather go into a locker room full of naked chicks.
Shane closes his eyes and sees
Bronwen blowing a kiss at him.
Shane Clemmens: Bronwen... Fuck...
I forgot.
Shane's heart sinks as DEATHMACHINE
tries eating a taste-less Banana. He spits it out as Shane slams both
fists into the door.
Shane Clemmens: That fucker killed me so he
could have his fucking way with Bronwen. Goddamnit.
The phone rings. Shane goes
still and DEATHMACHINE drops the banana. Shane stares at the phone.
Shane Clemmens: Oh my god. Now I know
why I'm here. It's the night. Fuck. The night that changed
everything.
DEATHMACHINE: The night you switched from
briefs to boxers?
Shane swallows against the
unforgiving lump in his throat.
Shane Clemmens: It's the night Sarah died.
Whispers: Lady One.
Shane Clemmens: She was my first and I was
just about sure--only.
Shane falls against the wall as the
phone rings again.
Shane Clemmens: I never imagined I'd be here
again. Fuck. Am I stuck here with you then, for good?
DEATHMACHINE: It's not so bad. The food
sucks but--
Shane Clemmens: Man you're totally missing
what's going on here. This is no kind of eternity for me.
The phone rings again.
DEATHMACHINE: Gah! That phone ringing is
driving me nuts!
DEATHMACHINE answers the phone.
DEATHMACHINE: Hello?!
The phone reciever emits a high
pitched squeel, that of a scream of a girl. The impact of it not only
startles brave DEATHMACHINE but it also knocks his head to the side. Shane
leaps back a step.
DEATHMACHINE holds the phone to
Shane.
DEATHMACHINE: I think it's for you.
Shane takes the phone and holds it up
to his ear, wincing, expecting doom.
The voice on the other end is Till's.
Till Rammstein: You cannot escape your fate
SHANE!
Shane hangs the phone up and blinks
at DEATHMACHINE for a moment.
Shane Clemmens: Wrong number.
Shane leaps to the door and
DEATHMACHINE is close behind. Shane closes his eyes and thinks real hard.
DEATHMACHINE mimics this action but only imagines porkchops.
Shane Clemmens: This shit is all connected by
doors so there has got to be a doorway back out of here.
Shane throws open the door and leaps
through! DEATHMACHINE stumbles through behind him.
STEP THROUGH THE DOOR TOO
(CLICK)
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