|
time: wednesday evening day: march twenty-sixth place: hamilton, bermuda; turcott medical services. (Here I sit in a place that I deemed inconceivable for all of my life. Never I dreamed of being the kind of man that would resort to measures of theraputic help. Never I dreamed of being a victim on somebody's couch, being pryed open for answers to my atrocious problems.)(But here I sit, an attractive female therapist in her early forties across from me, looking to get help. You try to tell yourself you don't need it, that it's a waste of your time, but when your family comes up to, even your own daughter, and says that I need it... well, you tend to listen.) (I don't think anything can help me. I'm lost in my own insecurity and rage. I'm drowning in a pool of insanity, the water of dementia filling my lungs. Who can save me now?) VIRUS: Whenever you're ready, doctor. (She smiles at me, not even noticing the slight sarcasm in my tone.) Doctor: Well, I guess the obvious question is what brings you here today, Mr. Engel? VIRUS: You can call me Matt. Doctor: Matt. (Another smile. She has a certain sense of security and comfort in her voice.) VIRUS: I'm just looking for answers, doc. Doctor: Jill, please. Since we're on a first-name basis. VIRUS: Right. I don't know if you recognize me or not, but I'm a professional wrestler. I've been so for about six years, and have been wrestling for the last nine years. As you can imagine, there's a lot of stress that comes with the job, especially in the type of wrestling I'm in. Jill: And what is that, Matt? VIRUS: It's sports entertainment, Jill. My life, my family, my past; everything is open to discussion. People attack me to make statements. It's verbally and physically violent. It's fucking war. (Her smile disappears. Maybe she's not a fan of profanity.) Jill: It doesn't sound very healthy, you mentioned before you had a family. Is it right of you to induce yourself into this kind of environment when you've got a family to look after? VIRUS: It's what I do, Jill. This is my career. This is all I know. Sure, I've got enough money to live retired and grow old and fat, but I can't step away. Something keeps bringing me back. Maybe it's the competition... or this sickening addiction to violence that I have. Jill: Go on. VIRUS: There's this man, let's call him Judas. He isn't exactly a friend of the family, but I know him. He tries to get with my sister, but I don't allow it. He doesn't deserve her. He's hit her before, and you see what I mean. But this man is a wrestler, like me, like my sister. There's that kind of bond between them that seems to grow and grow, but I can't stop it. I hate him. Before I came here, all I could think about was different ways of killing him, Jill. Jill: Why do you want to kill him, Matt? If your sister is allowing this to happen, maybe that's what she wants. You might have to learn to respect that. (She says that with firmness, being a woman herself. I can see the feministic ideals in her.) VIRUS: I wanted to teach him a lesson; to show him that he doesn't deserve my sister. I attacked him, without the intent of seriously injuring him, just to send a message to him. He got that message, and overreacted. He put me in a coma, Jill. How can I let him get away with that? Sure, I've gotten him back... I've done some justice, but it's not enough. I feel... I feel so much rage inside of me. So much chaos and anger. I want to put him in the morgue, you know? It's not eye for an eye, it's eye for two eyes. Jill: Matt... I don't need to be a therapist or some brainiac psychologist to warn you that this kind of rage and behavior will only lead to your own destruction and possibly to the destruction of another human being. Now, knowing you have a family you have taken care of for a long time, you don't seem like the man who would want to do that. (She comes across with genuine care.) VIRUS: I know, but I can't help myself. It's like nothing can satisfy my thirst for revenge until he's six feet under. It's not like that with others. Jill: Others? VIRUS: There are other people that I have problems with...that I have similar feelings toward, but it's different. It's more tame, as of right now at least. With this guy 'Judas', there's a burning desire to end him. Jill: Why don't you have this same feeling with these other people? What have they done? VIRUS: A group of people assaulted me on the job... and well, what they did to me, I brought it on myself. I.. hurt somebody that didn't deserve it. I am responsible for the end of someone's career and almost his life. Time after time, I think about this man that I almost brought an end to with my selfishness and foolishness, and I feel deep remorse. It's such an opposite, like night and day, to what I usually feel with 'Judas'. I'm torn, between my own actions, and the actions of this man 'Judas'. It's a pickle...and it's tearing me up inside. Jill: Why do you blame yourself, Matt? VIRUS: Somebody pretended to have kidnapped my wife. This happened years ago. I assumed it was the man I was talking about, and I attacked him. But that's only the tip of the iceberg, Jill. When that group of people assaulted me... they also ended this man's career, almost his life. I was the reason why! They played me like a puppet in their sick play! They demolished this man because I couldn't see the big picture. I immediately blamed this man who had nothing to do with anything and it cost him everything. It's my fault. Jill: But you didn't physically do it, Matt. VIRUS: I might as well have! Jill: But you didn't. It's not your fault. He was obviously employed in this kind of environment and knew the risks. VIRUS: Please, Jill. It was my fault. I just... I need something to take the pain away. I keep seeing his face, in my sleep, in the mirror... when I drive my daughter to school. It haunts me. Jill: Well I can gave you a prescription for some anti-depressants, but I think weekly therapy is going to help a lot more. You seem to have everything bottled up inside, and uncorking that bottle so to speak can help put you at ease. I want to help you, Matt. I really do. I'm not the kind of doctor that just gives you some medicine and hopes that it will fix you. I want you here on a weekly basis...and I want to see you get better with help from me AND the medicine. VIRUS: Okay... okay. (I'm almost in tears now. I'm so messed up. Memories haunt my dreams... regret weighs heavy on my heart... and vengeance plagues my mind.) Jill: This will not be a quick fix. This is going to be a slow process, but the end result will be well worth it. VIRUS: Thank you... thank you. |