SGW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION - SGW GIMMICK CHAMPION - SGW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPION - SGW HALL OF FAMER
Roleplay Number: #015 ][ Record: Wins: 009 Losses: 000 Draws: 000 ][ Match: w/ Tom Cruise vs. Val Venis and Teddy Long
SGW Achievements:
' Val Venis is Dead '
Your Solid Gold Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion
[[ Static. ]]
[[ Fade up the SGW logo. ]]
[[ I'm sorry Brett. ]]
[[ The scene opens up inside of a small movie theater. Inside is four rows of chairs with five seats in a row. They're your typical theater chairs with padding and everything. The movie screen is normal size, and it takes up the entire wall in front of the chairs. The room is dimly lit, as you'd expect a movie theater to be. This isn't a cinema though, this is in someone's house. ]]
[[ Tom Cruise's house to be exact. ]]
[[ The door to the room opens and leading the way is Tom. He's in a no-sleeve gray Nike t-shirt and track pants. Following him is Christian in a "got charisma?" t-shirt and track pants. They both look fatigued, like they just finished a hectic workout. Trish, Tomko, and Cornette follow after the two. Tom points to the seats and smiles. ]]
Tom Cruise: Have a seat, guys. Make yourselves at home.
Trish Stratus: Thanks.
[[ They all sit down and Cornette takes advantage of the make yourself at home gesture and props his feet up on the back of the chair in front of him and stretches out. This act draws stares from everyone in the room, but he doesn't seem to notice. ]]
Tom Cruise: Um, Jim..
[[ Cornette exits his relaxed position and looks at Tom, his feet still against the back of the chair. ]]
James E. Cornette: Yeah?
Tom Cruise: Think you could maybe move your feet?
[[ Cornette seems displeased. ]]
James E. Cornette: You said make yourself at home.
Tom Cruise: Yes, I did...But it's a figure of speech to show respect to guests. Sometimes it's not really meant.
[[ Cornette's not moving his feet and Cruise looks uncomfortable. ]]
James E. Cornette: Yeah well, "fuck off" is also a figure of speech.
[[ Trish has had enough and slaps at his feet. ]]
Trish Stratus: Cornette, move your damn feet. This is Tom's house.
[[ She smiles at Tom and he smiles back. Cornette looks disgusted. ]]
James E. Cornette: Why don't you just go fuck Tom instead of starin' like he's a retard or somethin'?
Tom Cruise: I have a child on the way, and I'm very happy with Katie.
James E. Cornette: That ain't what the tabloids say!
Trish Stratus: Jim, stop being an idiot and move your feet.
[[ Cornette removes his feet from the seat. ]]
James E. Cornette: Happy?
Tom Cruise: Thanks.
James E. Cornette: I wonder about you sometimes, Cruise. Ever since SGDubyaX, I've wondered about you. One minute you seem as gay as damn Benoit, the next you jack up Katie Holmes...Then you tell me to make myself at home, and then I do and you bitch. You're a crazy bastard, Cruise...A crazy damn bastard!
Tom Cruise: I didn't mean to make you mad.
James E. Cornette: Well, don't tell me to make myself at home next time.
Tom Cruise: Alright..
[[ Christian speaks up to break up the argument. ]]
Christian: Cornette, chill man. Tom is welcoming us to his house. He's my tag team partner this week, and any man who wants to beat Val Venis is a damn good man. Tom and I go way back, back farther than you and I do, so show some respect.
James E. Cornette: Fine.
Christian: It was a good workout in the gym today. You'll be ready to hit anyone with the Cruise Control.
[[ Cruise smiles. ]]
Tom Cruise: Man, I don't know about all this wrestling thing. I'm not a real athlete and I barely know how to wrestle.
Christian: Big deal? God knows Val Venis has somehow made a career off not being able to do crap in the ring but lay on his back for three seconds. Even you can beat down Val Venis. It's not like doing your own stunts, it's facing Val Venis...It's kinda' like...Say...Facing a blind man with one leg.
Tom Cruise: Seems kind of unfair.
Christian: Now ya' know what it's like to face Venis. At first, your conscience tells you to go on easy on him, then he opens his mouth about how good he is...Then you just decide to kick his teeth down his throat and make him look like an idiot.
Trish Stratus: And that's after he makes a fool of HIMSELF.
Christian: You saw what happened last month at Supremacy. You remember the Self-Destruction of Val Venis DVD we made..It's like the number-two best selling movie in SGW history.
[[ Tom nods and he adds on to the conversation. ]]
Tom Cruise: I also remember the funeral where you sang and then blew up Val's casket with a grenade.
[[ A huge smile comes to Christian's face. He's proud of that one. ]]
Christian: Yeah...I did blow it up, didn't I?
Tyson Tomko: ..Yep.
Tom Cruise: In a way, I'm excited to do this. This will be awesome for my public reputation...And my wallet.
Christian: I wouldn't have any other tag partner in the world.
[[ Tomko grunts and stares a hole through Christian. ]]
Christian: Ease up, T-Squared...You got superstar of the week and you did less work than I did!
Tyson Tomko: ...True.
Christian: But yeah, Tom, this week is going to be great. Not only will Val Venis be beaten by his long-time arch rival, yours truly, he'll get his ass kicked by Jerry Maguire...The Last Samurai..The guy who jumped on the couch on the Oprah show.
Tom Cruise: Yeah..that's me.
Christian: Trust me, Tom..You're more than qualified to go in the ring. We just got to teach you how to talk smack in an interview.
[[ Tom thinks it over and rubs his chin. He's got something. ]]
Tom Cruise: How about...Heartbreaker's main event is going to be a WAR OF THE WORLDS, and in it A FEW GOOD MEN, are going to beat Val Venis and Teddy Long in a tag match. You're going to retain your title, because trying to take it away from you is RISKY BUSINESS...How's that?
[[ He seems satisfied, Christian and the rest of the group know he's got a long way to go. ]]
Christian: Not bad...
[[ He didn't want to hurt his feelings. ]]
Tom Cruise: OH! And..When Val and Teddy think about the match, they know right now that they're going to be LOSIN' IT!
Trish Stratus: Losin' it?
[[ Cruise nods. ]]
Tom Cruise: Yeah, it was a movie I did in 1983.
Christian: YEAH!..Duh Trish.
[[ Cornette looks to be in deep thought. His eyes suddenly light up like he just got an idea. ]]
James E. Cornette: Well I'll be damned, Cruise!
Tom Cruise: About?
James E. Cornette: That little line you did talkin' 'bout you match mentioned all the movies you've done! That was damn good.
[[ Cruises smiles that smile that makes teenage girls' pussies wet. ]]
Tom Cruise: Thanks, Jim.
[[ Christian relaxes in his chair and speaks. ]]
Christian: So Tom, man, how did it feel Cruise Controlling that black chick?
Tom Cruise: Well, I don't know how to put it really.
Trish Stratus: I hope you killed her.
Tom Cruise: Well...At first, I was just doing this to help you out. Then you taught me that move..I knew Val and his group was a bunch of people I could abuse and not get attacked back, so I decided to try the move out. Hey, wrestling was fake then to me.
Christian: What made it real to you?
Tom Cruise: The sound of her body hitting the concrete face first.
James E. Cornette: What a way a' puttin' it!
[[ He rethinks it. ]]
Tom Cruise: Yeah...That was it. Then, I felt..I felt GOOD! Like...
[[ He shakes his head, like he's admitting a serious secret. ]]
Tom Cruise: I wanted to do it again! I felt GREAT!
[[ Cruise hops out of his chair and jumps into the seat of it, ala the Oprah show. This draws a few chuckles and smiles from the Coalition. ]]
Tom Cruise: I'm glad you taught me that. I've never hit a girl before, let alone hit one with a possible life-ending move. It was a blast.
Christian: Just wait til Sunday when you're able to hit Val Venis with the other finishing move I taught you that I invented.
Trish Stratus: What did you invent this time, Mr. Wrestling?
Tom Cruise: It's called a "dropkick," but I named it the..Cruise Missle. How awesome huh?
[[ Trish looks at Christian. ]]
Trish Stratus: You didn't invent the dropkick.
Christian: You're right. I invented the "Cruise Missle."
Trish Stratus: Well, what's the difference?
Christian: Tom's has a cooler name.
Tom Cruise: Yeah, Christian's been teaching me tons of stuff. Telling me stories about his career. It's been great reliving the old times. It was especially great being back in partnership with Solid Gold. I haven't played a part since the Christian National Convention the week you beat Ric Flair.
Christian: Well, don't get your hopes up for anything exciting this week. It'll be another simple week for me. Just go in the match, kick Val Venis' ass, tag you in, let you do some moves for media coverage, then I get the pin for three and keep my belt. And Maria thought she was outsmarting us.
Trish Stratus: More like Bret Hart.
[[ Tom lays it out like it is. ]]
Tom Cruise: Bret must hate Val. Putting him in the match against us...Well...You, Christian, is like sending him in a gun fight with a knife and a blindfold over his eyes. He must not want you to lose the World title. I thought he hated you?
Christian: Just like everyone else, he's jealous of me..But I give Bret credit, he's smart. He's the first ever SGW champion. He made SGW what it is today. He kept a joke like Taz from winning the belt, and now he's continuing that trend by not letting Val Venis win the belt.
James E. Cornette: He ain't doin' Val no damn favor, he just signed Val Venis' death certificate...He's the reason Val Venis is gonna' die!
Christian: He got slaughtered last month on pay-per-view against Edge...If he can't beat Edge without any rules, he can't beat me and Tom in a standard match..Hell, he can barely beat anyone in this company, beating me is one of those shooting for the moon things..But he's gonna' miss, and there's no stars for him to land among. Just a pile of shattered hopes and dreams that the Captain destroyed!
Tom Cruise: YEAH!
Tyson Tomko: ..Boom.
Tom Cruise: At first, I was just doing it for the money...Now I'm doing it to beat Val Venis...
[[ Small pause. ]]
Tom Cruise: And the money.
Trish Stratus: Of course.
Tom Cruise: But man, what is Val and Teddy thinking right now? Does Val really think he has a shot of pinning either one of us and winning the title?
[[ Everyone quickly shakes their heads 'no.' ]]
James E. Cornette: Teddy Long has a better shot a' pinnin' one of you two than Val does. Val Venis is just another one of those wrestlers who don't know when to hang it up. He's way past his prime. Val's proven that without someone carryin' his ass, he ain't worth a shit!
Christian: Right now Val and Teddy are probably sitting in the hospital admiring Orlando's broken arm, courtesy of me..
[[ Tomko grunts. ]]
Tyson Tomko: ..Me.
Christian: And Tomko..And they're thinking about the match. They'll talk a good game in front of the cameras, but when they're not turned on, Val Venis is going to be looking for a way to end it all. He knows this is possibly his last dance in the main event before I send him packing. He knows he's ran his mouth all these years, tried sucking up to me so I'd carry him and protect him...But those days are over with! I'm the Solid Gold Wrestling champion, and for one month I've been kicking everyone who's came my way out of my league...This week at Heartbreaker is gonna' be no different!
Trish Stratus: Christian has ALWAYS overshadowed Val in everything. Val won the nEw World title, Christian won the ACW World title the next week and stole his thunder. Val lost it the first defense, Christian NEVER lost his! Hall of Fame voting...Christian was the overall vote getter, Val Venis finished third. And in Solid Gold, Christian's won more titles than Val's won matches!
Christian: And I didn't need my stable-mates to carry me into the Hall of Fame. I did it by breaking records, winning matches, and being the best! The closest Val's ever came to being worth something was when I was carrying his ass in the Standard in AWE. Then, I realized he was a lost cause, and I couldn't get out of my contract, so I forced the company to fold and went back to ACW. Val's done nothing but turn himself into a bigger joke than he originally was. And Sunday night, he's wanting my World title, but the thing about that is..He really thinks he CAN beat me! Val Venis is toking it up with RVD again, obviously. Because like Tom Cruise making a bad movie..IT'S NOT GONNA' HAPPEN!
Tom Cruise: Got that right. I don't make bad movies.
Christian: Nope. The only thing I want to see you make this week is Val Venis look like a bitch.
[[ Cruise chuckles. ]]
Tom Cruise: I think last month Edge beat me to it.
Tyson Tomko: ..Diss.
[[ This draws laughter from Christian and Trish. ]]
Trish Stratus: Edge beating Venis was the best thing to ever happen. Just think, if Val had tried winning the match, he'd ruined our plan and he'd be the World Champion right now...But instead, he was in it for revenge. What an idiot!
Christian: Val's not going to be the SGW World Champion as long as I have something to do about it. I'll only drop this title to one man..And that's Tom.
James E. Cornette: I think it'd be damn hilarious if Tom won the title. That'd do nothin' but take another big shit on the legacy of Solid Gold and Taz!!!
Trish Stratus: It'd be very funny.
[[ Tom holds out his hands as if he's blocking the SGW title from coming this way. The look on his face lets us know he wants nothing to do with winning the title from Christian. ]]
Tom Cruise: No thanks. I don't want to be one of those non-athletes winning the World title of organizations like David Arquette did. I'm only doing this because I know how easy this match is going to be.
Christian: Yeah guys, Jesus Christ...It's not like the plan is to drop the belt! I'm keeping it, baby! Tom just wants to win a match and do it for the publicity. I was just being humble when I said I'd drop it to Tom....Not so much humble and just kidding.
[[ He shrugs. ]]
Christian: Nothing personal, it's just that I like the belt too much.
[[ Tom nods and understands. ]]
Christian: It's going to be straight up deja vu for Val Venis all over again. Just like last month...Edge stole Stacy from him, curb-stomped Bischoff's mouth..This time around, Tom gave his chick the greatest move ever invented, the Cruise Control..We broke Orlando's arm, and well..Teddy Long just looks like he's about to die soon anyway, so we didn't mess with him.
James E. Cornette: I'd whip that bald headed bastard's ass for jumping us and pushing Tomko against the wall!
Tyson Tomko: ..Didn't hurt.
Christian: I saw what he did...And as the old saying goes, you send one of ours to the hospital, we'll sne done of yours to the morgue, and that's what we're going to do Sunday night! Next week on Shock, SGW better be ready for two more Memorial Services...the Val Venis Memorial Service, and Val Venis' World title hopes Memorial Service...Because they'll both be DEAD!
[[ Christian cockily slaps his chest. Cruise picks up the remote to his large theater and turns on the projector and the screen. ]]
Tom Cruise: Speaking of the death of Val Venis, it's movie time.
Christian: Oh yeah! Since this pay-per-view is having Tom on it, and we're bringing him into our world, he brought me into his...We made a nice movie about Val Venis with a kick ass title.
Trish Stratus: What is it?
Christian: Just wait and watch.
Tom Cruise: It's going to be GREAT!
[[ Christian nods and smiles. There's no telling what these two have come up with. Cruise turns it on and the open sequence starts to roll. The movie logo appears on the screen and freezes for a few seconds, which draws a reaction out of everyone in the small theater. ]]
Trish Stratus: So that's why you had us do all that talking?
James E. Cornette: LOL! GODDAMN!
[[ And finally we get to see what the fuss is all about. The movie poster comes into our view. ]]
[[ This should be very interesting. ]]
Trish Stratus: That's the worst movie poster I've ever seen! It looks like you two stole the Pauly Shore movie poster and edited it on a computer!
[[ Cruise and Christian looks at each other, not really saying anything. ]]
Christian: Thought you said it looked good, Tomko?
[[ And in his best Eddie Guerrero impersonation. ]]
Tyson Tomko: ..I lied.
Trish Stratus: Is that Pauly Shore with a brown moustache to try to be Val Venis?
Christian: That IS Val Venis.
Trish Stratus: No it's not.
Christian: Trish, can you not see? Val has his name on his jacket and everything.
[[ Trish rolls her eyes. ]]
Trish Stratus: Whatever.
Christian: Let's just watch the movie.
[[ The movie rolls. ]]
[[ The "Val Venis is Dead" logo fades off the screen and in the background "Jump" by Van Halen plays just loud enough so you can hear it. ]]
[[ The scene switches to the MTV News set you see everyday on MTV. Kurt Loder is sitting in front of the backdrop looking grim. The date "March 6, 2006" flashes across the bottom of the screen, showing that this is taking place the day before the ppv Heartbreaker. Loder is holding his papers with his news topics on them. The MTV News theme stops playing and he clears his voice and speaks. ]]
Kurt Loder: Sad news out of the wrestling business today..The wrestling industry lost another bright star in Val Venis, real name Sean Morley.
[[ A picture of Val Venis pops up on the screen in the left-hand corner. ]]
Kurt Loder: Venis, who wrestled for world-famous Solid Gold Wrestling was getting ready to face Christian and War of the Worlds star Tom Cruise in a publicity match for the company's World Heavyweight title.
[[ He pauses. ]]
Kurt Loder: He was said to be an underdog in the match, facing a long-time, hated rival. Venis was wanting to cement his legacy in the company that made him by winning the company's title...The news of his death has been received in a mixed manner...Some mourn the loss, and a majority sadly celebrate it, as it has been told he was hard to deal with backstage, and tried making sexual advances on several of the superstars, including Mexican star, Chavo Guerrero, Jr.
[[ He turns and faces another camera for a side angle. ]]
Kurt Loder: Venis will be remember most for running Paul Birchill and Arn Anderson over with a monster truck limousine, and his heated feud with Edge, the man who stole his real-life girlfriend and turned her into his personal sex toy. Sean Morley was thirty-five.
[[ It immediately cuts as Kurt continues telling other celebrity news. ]]
[[ We now cut to Christian in SGW Headquarters in Nashville, Tennessee. He's standing in the main hallway of the top floor, right beside the Heartbreaker pay-per-view poster which shows the tag team main event. ]]
Christian: What are people's true opinions of you when you're not around? Nine times out of ten when you're not around to defend yourself, your name will be slammed into the ground...Which is what Val Venis made a career of doing. He's always been a two-face, and now the snake's getting a taste of his own medicine.
[[ Christian rubs his hands together. ]]
Christian: Tom Cruise and I have parodied the Paulie Shore is Dead movie to create one even better in "Val Venis is Dead!" And in it, we've told wrestling superstars and celebrities that Val Venis bit the bullet only days before our scheduled ecounter for my SGW World title...The title Val Venis will NEVER win!
[[ Christian slaps the title. ]]
Christian: So when it's all said and done, Val Venis may not be dead right now...But give it a few more days, because on Sunday...
[[ He slaps his chest. ]]
Christian: He will be.
[[ He winks and gives the gun point with his thumb and index finger. ]]
Christian: Hiss snake, hiss.
[[ Roll the clips. ]]
[[ We cut to Tom Cruise sitting in a chair beside his soon-to-be wife, Katie Holmes. Tom looks distraught. There's a black background so the picture focus is on Cruise. He seems like he's searching for the right words. ]]
Tom Cruise: I knew Val before I got into Solid Gold. I knew him through Christian. Val tried so hard to get accepted by everyone. All he desperately wanted was to be the best in wrestling, but he could never do it..Like the Olsen Twins, they never could make a good movie, Val Venis never could do anything worthwhile.
Katie Holmes: Val was something else. He never knew my name.
[[ Cruise looks stunned. ]]
Tom Cruise: Really?
Katie Holmes: Never knew it. He saw me once and licked his lips and said in that annoying voice.."Hey girl from Dawson's Creek, why don't you fuck me?"
[[ She rolls her eyes. ]]
Katie Holmes: What a horrible pick-up line! He was better off saying "you must be Jamacian because Ja-makin' me crazy" or something...And secondly everyone knows my name was Joey..
[[ She pauses. ]]
Katie Holmes: Idiot. I'm glad he's dead, because Tom and Christian would have killed him in that match.
Tom Cruise: Dead like Taz!
[[ Cruise flashes a smile. ]]
[[ Fade. ]]
[[ Edge sits with Stacy with a huge smile on his face. Sunglasses cover his eyes. ]]
Edge: So Val Venis is finally dead? What a convenient time for him to kick the bucket. He was only days away from his legitimate death at Heartbreaker. Am I said Val Venis has passed on?
[[ Edge kisses Stacy passionately. ]]
Edge: Nope.
[[ Edge puts his arm around Stacy and continues talking. ]]
Edge: Christian and Tom would have killed Val Venis and Teddy Long had he shown up for the match. I mean, last month, I took his girlfriend and took all innosence she had..
[[ They kiss. ]]
Edge: Then I took Eric Bischoff and crushed his teeth abd jaw across the curb...Then in our match, I BEAT him within an inch of his life! Val Venis had every reason to try to take my very life last month, but he COULDN'T...GET IT..DONE!
Stacy Keibler: And then he tried to replace me and Eric with Teddy Long and Krystal?
[[ She shakes her head. ]]
Stacy Keibler: Idiots.
Edge: And this month, he was given a World title shot..The belt he was wanting so bad. The people were giving him false hope but deep down everyone knew he was dead meat against Christian..And Tom Cruise.
Stacy Keibler: Yeah, Val couldn't even take Tom Cruise!
Edge: So maybe it is a good thing Val Venis is dead. Because if he made it to Heartbreaker, Cruise and Christian would have taken care of buisiness legitimately. I'm glad Val Venis is dead.
[[ Edge nods, agreeing with himself. ]]
Edge: Because now that he is...I can do this and not feel kind of bad.
[[ Edge rubs all over Stacy's breasts as they make out. Edge licks the side of Stacy's face and turns back to the camera with a sadistic grin on his face. ]]
Edge: Come to think of it...I never really felt bad in the first place.
[[ Stacy smiles. ]]
Edge: Nobody cares about Val Venis..
[[ Fade. ]]
[[ Vince Vaughn sits in a chair smoking a huge cigar. He exhales. ]]
Vince Vaughn: So Tom Cruise wants me to say something about Val Venis being dead?
[[ The camera goes up and down, Vaughn nods. ]]
Vince Vaughn: I'd love to do it...Absolutely love to. I mean, Tom Cruise is my boy.
[[ The pats his chest with both hands. ]]
Vince Vaughn: My fucking boy!
[[ Vaughn takes out the cigar. ]]
Vince Vaughn: But the only thing is...I don't know who the hell Val Venis is! Seriously, the fuck's a Val Venis?
[[ Vaughn looks puzzled. ]]
Vince Vaughn: I don't fucking know? Do you fucking know?
[[ He sees the producer off camera and you can vaguely hear "Tom Cruise's opponent." ]]
Vince Vaughn: Hah! Cruise was wrestling this week wasn't he? Tom would've killed this guy anyway.
[[ Vaughn looks foward convincingly. ]]
Vince Vaughn: So the main question is...Do I give a damn about Val Venis being dead?...Hell no.
[[ He pauses. ]]
Vince Vaughn: And why should I? Fuck 'em, man, fuck 'em! I'm doing Jennifer Aniston! I don't care!
[[ He takes another hit of the cigar. ]]
Vince Vaughn: Stop interviewing me and go watch Wedding Crashers.
[[ Fade. ]]
[[ Eric Bischoff sits in a chair, the lower portion of his face is wrapped up from his injuries a month ago. His speech is fuzzy. ]]
Eric Bischoff: Val's dead?
[[ He looks surprised, his eyes are wide. He slams his right fist into the palm of his left hand. ]]
Eric Bischoff: That son of a bitch is dead and I'm still alive? JESUS CHRIST!!!
[[ He seems disappointed now. ]]
Eric Bischoff: Can't say I didn't see it coming...I mean, he called me the other day and told me he had a World title shot against Tom Cruise and Christian, and I was shocked. The bastard got his ass kicked last pay-per-view by Edge, and now this month he was going to be not only Christian's bitch, but TOM CRUISE'S!
[[ Bischoff extends his arms to the side. ]]
Eric Bischoff: I'm glad he's dead..He caused me to get my beautiful face messed up. This shit isn't healing! He's better off being dead, because being dead is a whole lot easier than stepping into the ring and getting your ass kicked by Christian and having something stupid ruin your career like Tom Cruise pinning you.
[[ Bischoff rubs his shattered jaw. ]]
Eric Bischoff: He got off too easy.
[[ He shakes his head. ]]
Eric Bischoff: Way too easy.
[[ Cut. ]]
[[ Johnny the Bull. ]]
Johnny the Bull: Me feelin' sad Val Venis is sleepin' wit 'da fishes?
[[ He shakes his head side to side slowly. ]]
Johnny the Bull: Fuhgettaboutit!
[[ He brushes Val off. ]]
Johnny the Bull: He's damn lucky Edge didn't do it at Supremacy...Hell, he's even lucky I didn't do it when I was in Solid Gold and DiBiase offered me that money to finish him off.
[[ Bull rubs his chin. ]]
Johnny the Bull: I think he's fakin' his death so he ain't gots to face Christian.
[[ Pause. ]]
Johnny the Bull: I would too. But nah, Val ain't that smart. He's like fuckin' Maria, retarded! He dead like Taz. 'Cause they both stupid!
[[ He thinks it over. ]]
Johnny the Bull: I wish it was me that got to kill Venis...I should have taken the money.
[[ Cut. ]]
[[ We immediately cut to Harley Race, who is sitting in a chair holding a handful of money. ]]
Harley Race: JOHNNY THE BULL! YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT!
[[ He waves the money back and forth. ]]
Harley Race: YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE IT WHEN DIBIASE OFFERED!
[[ He's yelling so loud. ]]
Harley Race: TAKE THE DAMN MONEY!
[[ Fade. ]]
[[ Everyone's favorite, John Travolta. ]]
John Travolta: Val Venis died huh?
[[ He thinks for a few seconds. ]]
John Travolta: I thought he died last month when he fought Edge after Edge took his woman and killed Eric Bischoff? No?
[[ He realizes this didn't happen and continues. ]]
John Travolta: So now he's dead? That's a shame.
[[ A half smile comes to his face. ]]
John Travolta: Well, really it's not. I was just saying it so I didn't sound like an asshole because he's dead.
[[ Travolta shrugs. ]]
John Travolta: Kind of sad he's dead, I was looking foward to seeing Tom beat him up. Tom's a crazy fighter.
[[ Travolta chuckles at his own comment. ]]
John Travolta: My condolences go out to Val's family. He wanted that SGW title from Christian, I know that...I also know he wouldn't have won it if he was alive to show up for the match. Rest in peace, Val...
[[ Brief pause. ]]
John Travolta: Rest in peace.
[[ Fade. ]]
[[ We fade over to Arn Anderson, who is beside himself with grief. ]]
Arn Anderson: This true? This news true?
[[ He doesn't know what to say. ]]
Arn Anderson: My God..I don't know what to say. He was five days away from trying to finally fulfill his lifelong dream, winning the SGW title, the title of the company I MADE...He was gonna' give it some dignity again..
[[ Arn shakes his head. ]]
Arn Anderson: I don't know what to say...I just don't know what to say.
[[ He wipes his eyes. ]]
Arn Anderson: I just wish...
[[ He chokes back tears to finish. ]]
Arn Anderson: I screwed Jarrett over a few weeks earlier, so I could have got the belt on Venis. He wouldn't have beaten Christian...And that's hard for me to say, because I've NEVER liked him or his brother Edge..NEVER!
[[ Arn wipes his eyes again. ]]
Arn Anderson: I heard..I heard "Freebird" was playing on the radio..
[[ He almost can't finish. ]]
Arn Anderson: As they struggled to remove Val's face from the grill of that GT Mustang.
[[ Arn pauses. ]]
Arn Anderson: Now Val's facin' ol Taz in Heaven with Rick Rude as the special ref...Val's as free as a bird now...And that bird...You cannot change.
[[ He drops his head into the palms of his head. ]]
[[ After that we cut back to the theater. Pause has been hit on the movie. Everyone in the room is laughing hysterically. ]]
Trish Stratus: This is HILARIOUS! People can't even say anything nice about that idiot when he's dead!
James E. Cornette: Except ol' Arn. That bastard will believe anything!
Tyson Tomko: ..Idiot.
[[ Christian puts his arms behind his head, looking pleased. ]]
Christian: So far it's looking great. It's funny seeing what people have to say when you're dead and can't defend yourself. If only the people knew he was still alive..For a few more days at least.
Tom Cruise: Yeah, he won't be for much longer, because him and Teddy surviving the match is a MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!
James E. Cornette: Cut out the movie title shit!
Christian: Let's just finish the movie.
[[ It continues. ]]
[[ Muhammad Hassan and Daivari sit there snarling. ]]
Muhammad Hassan: So finally the almighty "legend" has died?
[[ Hassan spits. ]]
Muhammad Hassan: I will SPIT on his grave! He deserved his death, for he was not a true fighter! He thought he could take the easy way to the top in SGW...By bypassing me...But alas...Bypassing me and avoiding death....Only brought death..
[[ Pause. ]]
Muhammad Hassan: Faster.
[[ Hassan raises his arms to Allah. ]]
Muhammad Hassan: Death was deserving to Venis...For losing to Christian and especially Tom Cruise would do nothing more than give his legacy and this promotion a bigger BLACK EYE!
Daivari: YAPOOUNKA! MEHAMMAKAH! SNAKE!
[[ Daivari continues. ]]
Daivari: FINYA! EMOTAYKA! HISS! HISS! HISS!!!
[[ Fade. ]]
[[ Johnny Depp appears looking confused. ]]
Johnny Depp: Val Venis?
[[ The name doesn't ring a bell. ]]
Johnny Depp: All I know about him is that he was facing Tom Cruise is some wrestling match, right?
[[ Depp nods. ]]
Johnny Depp: I'm sad he died, but it's better off. Tom Cruise's a hell of a man.
[[ Quick pause. ]]
Johnny Depp: One hell of a man.
[[ Fade. ]]
[[ The most interesting video of them all...Jim Cornette, Trish Stratus, and Tomko. ]]
James E. Cornette: VAL VENI9S AIN'T FUCKIN' DEAD! IT AIN'T SUNDAY NIGHT! Val Venis is still alive, but he's makin' his final wishes and all that! He ain't makin' it out of Heartbreaker alive! He ain't leavin' with the World title either! That bastard is wishin' he'd taken that United States title matche when he had the chance, because he's gonna' look like a fuckin' moron come Sunday night!
Trish Stratus: Val being dead is something that's going to happen. Just like no one missed Pauly Shore, no one will miss Val Venis. In fact, if he wasn't facing Christian and Tom this week, I wouldn't even have known he was even in the company!
[[ Tomko nods. ]]
Trish Stratus: Not because I don't pay attention..But because, you know, we only deal with people who's on top.
Tyson Tomko: ..Yep.
James E. Cornette: Val Venis should be fightin' for the damn Television title, 'cause he ain't World title material! He's 'bout as able to be the World Champion as damn Michael Shane is of sayin' a complete sentence!...HE AIN'T! SHANE CAN'T EITHER!
Trish Stratus: The world will celebrate, not mourn the death of Val. He'll get what's been coming to him all this time. His hopes, his dreams of being SGW World Champion will match his body...They'll both be dead.
Tyson Tomko: ..Amen.
[[ We cut. ]]
[[ Ted DiBiase and I.R.S sit in chairs beside one another. Upon being told of the news of Val's death, Ted speaks first. ]]
Ted DiBiase: About time.
Irwin R. Schyster: This is not surprising news. I expected to hear this after his match with Edge last month.
Ted DiBiase: I don't blame Val for dying. I wouldn't want to live knowing I was about to get pinned in the middle of the ring by Christian AGAIN...Or risk having the surprise pin on him by Tom Cruise.
[[ I.R.S. agrees. ]]
Irwin R. Schyster: Val tried a total image change, thinking that was going to make him a better superstar...But Theodore Long and Krystal Marshall do not help causes...It only makes more people make fun of you. And I'm sure the criticism got to him.
Ted DiBiase: And the fact he was never going to leave the midcard in Solid Gold.
Irwin R. Schyster: That too.
Ted DiBiase: Oh well...Val's dead, I'm glad the car did it instead of it being Christian.
Irwin R. Schyster: Yes.
[[ Cut. ]]
[[ We cut back to SGW Headquarters where Christian is standing by from the beginning of the movie. ]]
Christian: Well, there you have it..People's true thoughts of Val Venis. The man didn't get a break in life, and he can't get one even though people was told he was dead!
[[ Christian smiles. ]]
Christian: Of course, Val Venis is still alive. He's sitting around getting ready to have it all ended on Sunday night when he and Teddy Long steps into the ring against me and my main man, Tom Cruise...If the title was on the line, I'd kick Val's ass and let Tom pin him to make it even more funnnier, but I'm not ready to lose the title...Especially not ready to lose it to someone who's spent his career playing second-fiddle to me while I was winning the titles, soaking in the glory, and making the noise in the business..
[[ Tom Cruise enters the scene and shakes hands with Christian. ]]
Christian: Val, used to, we were friends. I carried you in the Standard in AWE, we won our first World titles weeks apart..But that's when it all changed. When I won the ACW title, EVERYBODY forgot about Val Venis...Everyone knew I was the real star that SGW gave birth to. I am the SGW World Champion for a reason. I've won twenty-nine straight matches spanning back from 2001..Val..
[[ Christian shakes his head. ]]
Christian: You'd be lucky if you even won TWENTY period. You're stepping up against the man who's made a career out of making yours into a joke.
[[ He pats the title on his left shoulder. ]]
Christian: And come Sunday night, Val Venis..Truly will be...
[[ Sudden pause then he hammers it home. ]]
Christian: ..DEAD!
Tom Cruise: Show 'em the extra footage, Christian!
Christian: Oh yeah..Val, this extra footage is dedicated to you. Since you BEGGED AND PLEADED I not interview Bischoff for the movie, because you wanted him to have a break and not be ruined...
[[ A sadistic smile comes across the face of Christian. ]]
Christian: Well, as you can see, he was interviewed. He WANTED to be..He WANTED to be used in a promo of the REAL SGW World Heavyweight Champion...But you saw, he wasn't harmed. He wasn't damaged at all. Like you wanted.
Tom Cruise: Nope.
Christian: BUT...And here's the kicker...In life, you can't always get what you want, Val..You want my SGW title...YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY TITLE!...And you want Eric unharmed this month..YOU CAN'T HAVE IT EITHER!
[[ The scene switches. ]]
[[ Immediately after Bischoff gets done speaking, he gets up to exit the scene. He turns around and sees Tyson Tomko with his arms crossed. ]]
Eric Bischoff: Hello, Tyson. You escourting me to the buffet?
Tyson Tomko: ..No.
Eric Bischoff: Oh..
[[ BIG BOOT! TOMKO BIG BOOTED BISCHOFF RIGHT IN HIS PREVIOUS SHATTERED JAW! Blood squirts out of Bischoff's mouth like ketchup out of a pack! Bischoff is on the ground grasping the remains on his glass jaw. Tomko wipes blood off his face from the splatter. ]]
Tyson Tomko: ..Oops.
[[ Tomko picks Bischoff up and stands him up. ]]
Tyson Tomko: ..My bad.
[[ Tomko grabs Bischoff and LAWN DARTS HIM INTO THE WALL! Bischoff hits the ground like a sack of bricks, laying unmotionless on the ground, covered in blood! ERIC BISCHOFF IS DEAD! ]]
[[ We cut back to Headquarters with Cruise and Christian. ]]
Tom Cruise: That's GOTTA' hurt!
Christian: Sorry Val..You're just going to have to wake up and realize, you can't always get what you want. You can't have your old buddy in one piece..And another you can't have..
[[ Christian rubs his title. ]]
Christian: The SGW World title. It's for winners only. Sorry Val, that's just how the ball bounces.
[[ The scene fades. ]]
[[ The movie stops and we cut back again to the theater room. Everyone is showing huge smiles, except Tomko. He's not a smiling type of guy at all. ]]
James E. Cornette: Fuck Brokeback Mountain! Fuck Crash! This is the BEST GODDAMN MOVIE EVER! EVER!
Trish Stratus: It came out excellent. I loved how NOBODY had anything nice to say about Val's life or his match...Except Arn, but really, who cares about Arn?
[[ She looks around waiting for a reply. ]]
Christian: I've said it once, and I'll say it as many times as I have to...On Sunday, Tom and I are winning. I'm pinning Val Venis and retaining my title. If Maria wanted this title off me, she should have sent in someone who is actually able to give me a run for my money, not someone who makes me laugh at the very sight of one of his promos.
Tom Cruise: The match isn't even going to be close! We're going to kick some tail!
James E. Cornette: Without a doubt!
Trish Stratus: I kind of feel sorry for Val Venis.
[[ Christian seems shocked. ]]
Christian: What? Why?
Trish Stratus: I mean, think about it like this...Pay-per-views are your time to shine. You work so hard during the month to earn a good match, and when you finally get one like Val's got, it's one you firstly have ZERO business of being in..And secondly, it's a match you have ZERO chance of winning!
Tom Cruise: Yeah man, Val barely wins on Shock events, let alone on pay-per-views. I can't remember the last time I've ever heard of him winning a match on pay-per-view. He's wanting to try to win one, but he's not going to do it this month! In fact, him winning the World title and beating Christian is a..
[[ He's cut off. ]]
James E. Cornette: Mission Impossible...We know..We fuckin' know!
Tom Cruise: Sorry.
Christian: We'll work on the catchphrase, don't worry.
Trish Stratus: Good.
Christian: Now that's Val's taken care of, all we have to worry about is Bret Hart, the big, bad, legend.
[[ Christian rolls his eyes, looking unimpressed. ]]
Christian: Bret Hart, he's the one we should be asking whether or not he's still alive.
James E. Cornette: Screw Hart! He's probably too busy laughin' about Taz being dead than anything! He knows he can't save Val's ass! Not even Jesus Christ himself could come down and save Val Venis this week!
Trish Stratus: Nope.
Christian: Not even Bret Hart can change the outcome of this match, it's not even going to be CLOSE! I think this will be an easier title retain than the match against Benoit..If there was one person I wanted to beat to win my thirtieth straight match...It'd be Val Venis.
James E. Cornette: Damn right! They ain't got nothin' for you and Tom! Nothin'! It'll be smooth sailin' from here on out gettin' Val Venis outta' everyone's hair!
Christian: Thanks to Tom and I, Val Venis' world is going to come crashing down one more time..Because that's...
HOW...I...ROLL!!
[[ Cruise and Christian shake hands. ]]
Tom Cruise: Better watch out, Val..Because...
I WILL END YOU!!
Tyson Tomko: ..Yep.
[[ The scene slowly fades. ]]
[[ Static. ]]
[[ Fade out. ]]
Scott Smith || xxscottxsmithxx