Static.

Fade up PWR logo.

Paparazzi Productions Presents

in association with

Eye Spy Films
and
Kevin Nash’s awesomeness

Friends with Shawn.

Fade in.

Straight off the Undertaker promo…

Nash turns off the monitor.

Alex Shelley: Sweet mother of pearl!

Jay Lethal: FREAK OUT!

Sonjay Dutt: How does he do that thing with his eyes?!

Kevin Nash: The ol’ body bag. The old double B. The BB. The old dead man, big daddy dead man. The dead career... dead-to-dead thing. The old trusty corpse in a bag of plastic, with a guy in it symbolizing the death of his career and the humiliation that ensues upon it... hmmmm... interesting take.

Nash pondered.

Kevin Nash: Who booked this crap?

At that specific moment big Kev’s cellphone rang, chiming out a polyphonic ring-tone of Coolio’s “Gangsters Paradise”.

Alex Shelley: You should totally get that in real-tone.

Nash flipped it open.

Kevin Nash: Oh, hey Shawn.

Nash covered the receiver and whispered to address his adoring lackeys.

Kevin Nash: It’s Shawn Michaels.

Alex Shelley: The bossman?

Kevin Nash: No. Shawn Michaels. Bossman died years ago. Don’t get me wrong it’s not beyond me to be able to contact the deceased. I just prefer to let sleeping dogs lay. I don’t need to gloat about it like the Undertaker. Yeah, I have supernatural powers too. That whole lightning thing… I taught him how.

Nash turns his attention back to the call where Shawn Michaels is talking away.

Kevin Nash: Oh yeah, great Undertaker spot. Did I like it? Hell, I loved it. It was awesome.

The big suck-up.

Kevin Nash: You’re a true visionary. The whole body-bag idea, that whole train of thought... top drawer.

Nash laughed as the friends shared a joke.

Kevin Nash: Okay, cool. Catch you later. Love you too, big guy.

Nash hung up.

Alex Shelley: So what’d he say?

Kevin Nash: Oh nothing. Just… well I really shouldn’t say.

Alex Shelley: Oh come on you big sexy tease, you.

Sonjay Dutt: Yeah, what did he say Kev?

Kevin Nash: Okay, fine. He said that I’m going to win.

Jay Lethal: WHAT ‘CHU TALKIN’ BOUT, YEAH?

Sonjay Dutt: What?

Kevin Nash: Yes, you’ve caught me. I tried to hide it from you guys, really. Yes, I happen to be a personal friend of Shawn Michaels and yes, I feel no shame in exploiting that fact to further my position in this company.

Shelley raised his hand.

Kevin Nash: And yes, I’ve already put in a good word for you.

Shelley grinned all pleased.

Sonjay Dutt: Did you tell him about me?

Kevin Nash: Did I ever.

Sonjay Dutt: Really? What’d you say?

Kevin Nash: Uh… well… you see, I can’t say, it’s confidential. You know, Head Booker to Owner stuff.

Chris Sabin: You mean you booked Conflict?

Kevin Nash: Well, not exactly. Not yet. But believe me it’s only a matter of time.

Sonjay Dutt: So do you know who’s getting the Pay Per View slot?

Kevin Nash: No.

Sonjay Dutt: You don’t?

Kevin Nash: No comment.

Sonjay Dutt: What the’…?

Kevin Nash: Okay, I lied. It’s me. I’m getting the world title spot.

Sonjay Dutt: That’s not fair.

Kevin Nash: Life’s not fair. If life were fair everybody would be a seven foot eleven juggernaut like I am. He truly broke the mould with me. Yeup. Besides who else was he gonna’ pick? I’m the only superstar on this roster who’s held every major world championship across the globe. I still remember the day I beat Jushin Liger in the quadruple-tier cage-match for the New Japan Pro Wrestling Super-Galactic Heavyweight Title via the shooting-star press… leg-drop.

Alex Shelley: That’s my favourite match!

Kevin Nash: Meltzer did give it eight-and-a-half stars.

Sonjay Dutt: That’s impossible.

Kevin Nash: And then there was the time I beat Kamala in the South Zimbabwean Bare-Chested Jungle Street Fight for the ECW title.

Sonjay Dutt: But you weren’t even in ECW.

Kevin Nash: It didn’t get a lot of T.V. coverage. I went by the name Raven. A gimmick I later sold to a guy called Johnny Polo. Anyhoo, all that is irrelevant.

Shelley gasps.

Alex Shelley: Never say that about your glorious career! It was the catalyst of my inspiration.

Kevin Nash: True… but still, what’s more important is this Monday night when I right the egregious wrong of Wrestlemania twelve. What happened that night was a wrestling tragedy. You know people still occasionally cry about it.

Shelley wipes the streams of tears from his cheeks and fights back the urge to cry, his bottom lip trembling.

Alex Shelley: Really?

Kevin Nash: What do you expect would happen when a role model of millions like me gets beat? It’s like if Megatron were to beat Optimus Prime…hey, that reminds me, Sonjay, I’ve got a new gimmick for you to try out this week on Conflict.

Sonjay Dutt: What?

Kevin Nash: You’re a transmorphesborgformer.

Sonjay Dutt: What?!

Kevin Nash: Easy, relax little guy. It’s cool.

Sonjay Dutt: What the hell is a transmorphesburger?

Kevin Nash: Well, its like a transformer… only without the copyright patent, and expensive law suit.

Sonjay Dutt: You want me to be a transformer?

Kevin Nash: No. I want you to be a transmorphesborgformer.

Sonjay Dutt: That’s just stupid.

Kevin Nash: What you talkin’ about? This is IT! This is your big break, Sonj-a-tron.

Sonjay Dutt: Sonj-a-tron?

Kevin Nash: Yeup. It’s your autobot name. ‘Cause you’re a good guy. Shelley, bring in the costume!

Shelley exits and wheels in what looks like a large cardboard box painted yellow with a pair of braces latched over the top.

Kevin Nash: Well, go on. Put it on.

Sonjay Dutt: Do I have to? It’s ridiculous.

Alex Shelley: It is NOT ridiculous. It’s Kevin Nash’s idea. If he suggested it it’s probably the next Austin 3.16.

Kevin Nash: Besides you need to try it out for Monday Night.

Sonjay Dutt: What’s happening on Monday Night?

Kevin Nash: Well what I’m thinking is this. I was thinking, what you need is something topical. Something current to get you in the public eye. So this is what I see, I fake that I’m getting my ass kicked, because lets face it there’s no logistical way that the Undertaker could actually kick my ass, and you can roll down to ringside as a car or a dumptruck or a scooter… yeah, a scooter’s good, and then transform to make the save! What do you say Sonj-a-tron?

Alex Shelley: Is he good or what, huh?

Sonjay hoists the box over his head, placing the braces over his shoulders in a dungarees effect.

Sonjay Dutt: Hey, it is kinda’ roomy.

Kevin Nash: Designed for comfort and speed.

Sonjay Dutt: Well, I guess so.

Kevin Nash: Besides if the Undertaker is gonna’ have naked Mideon at ringside… it’s only fair that I have a transmorphesborgformer in my corner. There’s no way the dark-side can conquer a half robot-half wrestler, huh?

Sonjay Dutt: So why aren’t you dressing up as the transformer?

Nash gave Dutt the death stare.

Kevin Nash: Firstly, it’s transmorphesborgformer and secondly, we couldn’t find a big enough box.

Dutt shrugs.

Kevin Nash: Make haste Sonj-a-tron, for I have prepared a promo for us, well for you.

Sonjay Dutt: Really?

Sonjay’s eyes lit up.

Kevin Nash: I know, I’m too kind.

Cut.

Fade in.

Paparazzi Productions Presents

in association with

Eye Spy Films
and
Kevin Nash’s ingenious gimmick creation

Transmorphesborgformers – Wrestlers in Disguise.

A terrible parody of the Transformer’s theme is played by Shark Boy on the kazoo as Shelley sings the emphatic line “Transmorphesborgformers – Wrestlers in Disguise” over and over again.

Lethal and Sabin shake the wheeled trolley as Dutt crouches on it making car-engine noises.

Kevin Nash: This is awesome.

Suddenly it all stops. Dutt jumps out making kung-fu arm actions as best he can in his clunky cardboard suit.

Sonjay Dutt: I feel like an idiot.

Kevin Nash: The Bezerker didn’t complain as much as you when I came up with his gimmick. Say, what happened to that guy? Besides quite complaining, we’re taking special effects to a whole new level here.

Alex Shelley: Yeah, twentieth century Fox eat your heart out.

Said Shelley as he flicked the light switch on and off repeatedly.

Sonjay Dutt: Earthlings, I come in peace.

Sonjay looks at Kev.

Sonjay Dutt: Do I have to?

Kevin Nash: Yes. Now read the cue cards.

Camera pans to show Lethal holding some cue-cards.

Jay Lethal: READ IT, YEAH.

Sonjay Dutt: My name is Sonj-a-tron, I am one of the many transmorphesborgformers living on Earth. My task – to aid the almighty Opti-Nash Prime in protecting the Allspark from the evil Undertaker-con.

Dutt shook his head in dismay.

Kevin Nash: This is gold. Better than I imagined.

Alex Shelley: You know it.

Sonjay Dutt: Take heed, Undertaker-con for on this Monday Night at Conflict you will not be able to defeat the great, super almighty, ever-generous and generally all-round nice guy Kevin Nash. Why? You suck. If anything you are a suck-a-tron.

Sonjay turns to the directors chair once again.

Sonjay Dutt: This is SO gay.

Kevin Nash: What are you talkin’ about? The chicks dig a man in uniform.

Sonjay Dutt: This isn’t a uniform, it’s just a frickin’ box.

Alex Shelley: Hey-hey-hey, don’t you patronise Kevin Nash. I’ll remind you to watch your tongue. Transmorphesborgformers do not swear.

Kevin Nash: I know! I was thinking the exact same thing. Now, please, do continue.

Sonjay Dutt: Undertaker-con, you shall not succeed in your quest to steal the Allspark – i.e. the PWR World Heavyweight Title – from under the great Nash’s nose. You will fail to eclipse the land in darkness with your devious intentions.

Shelley to Nash.

Alex Shelley: He did say he looks at you with devious intentions.

Kevin Nash: I know. I feel violated.

Nash paused.

Kevin Nash: Unsurprised but violated.

Jay Lethal: HE GETS A RUSH WHEN HE LOOKS AT YOU BIG KEV. YEAH. SICK, YEAH. THAT’S NOT NORMAL, YEA’UH. NOT RIGHT FOR A MAN TO LOOK AT OTHER MEN THAT WAY, YEAH. IT’S MADNESS… BUT NOT MY KIND’A MADNESS. YEAH, I’M TALKING QUEER MADNESS.

Kevin Nash: I think it’s part of the occult. It’s meant to be spooky. You know… intimidating. Nothing a restraining order can’t stop though.

Nash pondered.

Kevin Nash: I wondered why he requested a tuxedo match.

Sonjay Dutt: For Nash is the keeper and rightful owner of the Allspark and all who challenge him shall be destroyed as if they were a WCW jobber. Take heed, Undertaker-con. Take heed. Besides… Shawn Michaels has booked Kevin Nash to win.

Nash gave Dutt a standing ovation.

Kevin Nash: Touching, really…

Nash wiped a single tear from his eye.

Cut.

Fade in.

Back chilling in the locker room…

Jay Lethal: SO UH’ SAY KEV, HOW DO’YA INTEND TO BEAT THE UNDERTAKER, YEAH?

Sonjay Dutt: Yeah, what’s the secret Kev?

Kevin Nash: Haven’t you guys heard, I’m friends with Shawn Michaels. It’s a done deal. Remember the Cliq? We’re best buds. We’re tight. You know, I scratch his back… he does mine. Besides even if we didn’t see eye to eye – which we do, by the way – there’s no way he’d put the Undertaker over me. Nobody would. I’m the guy who drew one hundred million dollars in a single year alone.

Alex Shelley: He says one hundred million but it could be a lot more.

Said Shelley proudly pointing at Nash with a big happy smile on his face.

Kevin Nash: Yeah, I say one hundred million dollars but I wasn’t sure. It was probably a lot more. I tend to work things by the Euro so I can’t give an exact sum. But either way, the point is Kevin Nash is a safe investment.

Alex Shelley: Safe as houses.

Kevin Nash: If Shawn wants to pin that title on my I’ll run with it. I’ll carry this place on my back. I’ll return his faith, ten fold. See I’m all about giving back. I’ll make this place the prosperous and profitable company it has the potential to be. Sure he may baulk at my excessive appearance fee and inconceivable demands… but he’ll get a better deal. He’ll get a champion that’s… what’s the word I’m looking for?

Alex Shelley: Great.

Kevin Nash: Yeah. He’ll get a great champion. A proven champion. You know…? Somebody who won’t get injured all the time like the Undertaker.

Awkward silence.

Jay Lethal: BUT WHAT IF HE DON’T LIE DOWN? WHAT IF HE GETS THAT RUSH, YEAH? AND TRIES TO GO UP TOP AND DROP THE ELBOW, YEAH?

Kevin Nash: Then I’ll just have to kick his big dead ass. You know I hope he is dead, because if he isn’t… he will be after Conflict. Hey, I’ll let you guys into some top secret information here that’s sure to keep the Undertaker down for at least an eight count. See, I’m developing a new move called the Rolling Tiger Backflip Tombstone Piledriver. It’s like the Canadian Destroyer only way cooler and much more effective. Plus, it has an extra flip in it.

Sonjay Dutt: Doesn’t that sound kind of dangerous?

Kevin Nash: Well, come to think of it I was trying it out on the Great Khali this morning – he’s my sparring partner – and it broke forty-nine separate bones in his body, and, I didn’t quite hit it right. I’m glad I didn’t, I could have killed him.

Alex Shelley: Can you teach me it?

Kevin Nash: Maybe someday little guy.

Alex Shelley: Awww!

Kevin Nash: I’m only protecting you.

Alex Shelley: I know. You’re so caring.

Shelley looked up at Nash lovingly.

Sonjay Dutt: Is that move even legal?

Kevin Nash: It’s no cross-face chicken wing, but it is Bob Backlund Authorized.

Nash paused.

Kevin Nash: … just.

Nash cleared his throat.

Kevin Nash: Besides the guy wears make up. He’s all talk and no show. If you were the dead incarnated, I don’t think you’d be worried about applying eye-liner and dying your bright warm-red hair black. I mean, your limbs would be falling off. Don’t get me wrong, that could be arranged. If he wants me to tear him limb from limb, I’m cool with that. I might break sweat, and have to put in more work in the ring than I have done in two and half years, but I’m down with that. I’m a crowd pleaser. I’ll give them their money’s worth.

Jay Lethal: YEAH, THE TOWER OF POWER, TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR…. OHHH YEA’UH!

Alex Shelley: And besides, Kev, how can you fail with us by your side? We’ll be Team Nash!

Kevin Nash: Aww shucks, you guys. I love you guys.

Team Nash group hug.

Kevin Nash: Scott you want in on the love?

The camera pans showing Scott Hall passed out beside an empty bottle of tequila.

Kevin Nash: Scott, buddy, you okay?

Fade out.

Static.