02

Static.

Fade up PWR logo.

Paparazzi Productions Presents

in association with

Eye Spy Films
and
Kevin Nash’s awesomeness

The King and I.

Fade in.

Nash’s dressing room…

Alex Shelley: They’re not all lies, are they?

Kevin Nash: What are you…? Ridiculous? Of course they’re not lies.

Alex Shelley: I mean you wouldn’t lie to me, would you?

Kevin Nash: No. I’d never. Pffttt… not with you. I wouldn’t dream of it.

Shelley dived on Nash, hugging him tightly.

Alex Shelley: Its just that Triple H has been spreading rumours…

Kevin Nash: He spreads a lot worse than rumours, I can tell you. You know I’m surprised Steph could even have children, if you know what I mean.

Nash tapped his nose.

Kevin Nash: Besides, I told you not to listen to Paul. He’s just angry at me. It’s just bitterness.

Alex Shelley: Paul?

Kevin Nash: Yeah, you see what I did there? That’s called breaking kayfabe. If you dared to do that in the early nineties you’d have been fired. I mean I wasn’t, but I can vouch that pretty much everybody else who did was. Actually, I was the first person EVER to break kayfabe.

Alex Shelley: Why’s he bitter?

Kevin Nash: Ah…

Nash extended a finger as if to say “good question”.

Kevin Nash: …it’s a long story.

Alex Shelley: Tell me.

Fade out.

Approx. Two hours later.

Fade in.

Shelley still hinges on Nash’s every word.

Kevin Nash: So to summarize; the thing was I never really liked Paul all that much. I found him pretty annoying. Actually, I hated him. In fact, Shawn and I only agreed to let him join the Kliq ‘cause Scotty said he’d go dry if we let Hunter in.

The camera pans to show Scott Hall slumped, sleeping in the corner of the locker room surrounded by dozens of empty bear cans, drooling lightly from the mouth.

Kevin Nash: Anyway, yeah, I didn’t like the guy. So you know what I did?

Alex Shelley: What?

Kevin Nash: I made sure he got buried.

Alex Shelley: You buried him alive?

Kevin Nash: No, I set that stupid son’uv’a bitch up, hah. Remember that whole MSG incident?

Shelley nodded intently.

Alex Shelley: The infamous curtain call.

Kevin Nash: Yeah… that was me.

Alex Shelley: It was you?

Kevin Nash: Yeup. It was my idea. I orchestrated the whole thing. I knew right there and then that it would set Paul’s career back by about five, maybe six, years. That’s why I suggested it. I mean, Scott and I… we were out’a’there and Shawn was WWF Champion at the time – it was still the WWF back then, not the WWE. See, Shawn was the top draw so punishing him would hurt business. I knew if it were to fall on anybody’s head, hah, it’d fall on Paul’s.

Kev grinned, chuckling to himself.

Kevin Nash: What a sucker.

He gazed upwards with a smile in fond memory…

Kevin Nash: I remember like it were yesterday…

Fade out.

Fade in.

Flashback dream-sequence
(Note: the following events, exchange of words and level of Kevin Nash’s attractiveness to all women are all 100% accurate and true. No part of this historical event has been exaggerated or doctored to portray Kevin Nash favourably in any light.)

May 19, 1996.
Backstage at the Garden.

Kevin Nash (Diesel), followed by nineteen giggling women, approaches Paul Levesque (the Blue-Blood, Hunter Hearst Hemsley).

Kevin Nash: Hey, low-card guy.

Levesque dropped to one knee.

Paul Levesque: Kevin, you are so great. I wish I was an almighty top WWF superstar like you, with your great hair, and understandable vast amount of sex appeal with the ladies.

Kevin Nash: Well, tonight’s your lucky night… ugh… pal?

Paul Levesque: It is?!

Paul’s eyes lit up with a mixture of surprise and excitement.

Kevin Nash: Yea’, sure… whatever. Tonight I’m gonna’ make you a big star, Peter. But you have to do exactly what I say…

Paul Levesque: I will! I will! I love you, Kevin. You’re my hero, my idol… but I know, I’ll never amount to anything that’s anywhere near your standard.

Kevin Nash: True, but still... hear me out for a second. We’re…

Nash can barely bring himself to say the word…

Kevin Nash: …friends…

A great deal of relief is removed from his shoulders…

Kevin Nash: …right?

Paul Levesque: Best-est best friends! Best friends forever!

Kevin Nash: And what do best friends do?

Paul Levesque: We wear our best friends forever matching bracelets!

Paul raised his arm showing the bracelet around his wrist. Nash remained unimpressed, his annoyance gradually building.

Kevin Nash: No.

Kev noticed that Paul noticed that he wasn’t wearing his.

Kevin Nash: Ugh… I lost it. Yeah. Damn shame. Anyhoo… best friends like to express their friendship right? They like to show their friendship in public, right?

Paul nodded in agreement.

Kevin Nash: So here’s the plan, since me and Scott are leaving to go join WCW - where I’ll be earning about eight times as much as you guys here - I was thinking that maybe you could come out to the ring after I put Shawn over tonight and hug us both. You know… to say goodbye. It’d be like showing a good-will gesture.

Paul Levesque: ‘Jee Kev, I don’t know.

Kevin Nash: Oh come on, it’ll be great. It’ll be like one of those emotional experiences that live with you forever… the fans will love it. They’ll laugh, they’ll cry… it’ll change their lives.

Paul Levesque: I’m not sure. Won’t be Vince be mad?

Kevin Nash: Not at all. Management will love it.

Paul Levesque: They will?

Nash nodded.

Kevin Nash: Trust me.

Paul Levesque: Okay then… I WILL! You got yourself a farewell hug!

Levesque bounced off out of shot bubbling with excitement.

Kevin Nash: Idiot.

Fade out.

Fade in.

Shelley, Lethal (dressed as the Macho Man) and Dutt (dressed as a transformer) are backstage…

The door of the dressing room opens and Nash enters.

Kevin Nash: Gentlemen, you may be wondering why I have called this urgent meeting…

Shelley whispered to Lethal.

Alex Shelley: He already told me why. See, I’m his favourite.

Kevin Nash: It appears that despite my heroics against the Undertaker last week, Shawn is unable to exaggerate my pectoral muscle injury and place me on the inactive list, which subsequently would have put me on easy street to the Pay Per View. Why? Because it’d be bad for business. Frankly, to divulge in the details of the meeting I have now just came from, he needs me to draw in the ratings for Conflict which is why at Starrcade he is going to put the belt on me. So for that reason I have decided that I am going to fight through the pain of this near-career-threatening injury and compete.

Alex Shelley: We’re tagging on Monday Night!!!!

Shelley quickly smothered both his hands over his mouth, realising that he’d just blurted out.

Alex Shelley: Sorry, I just couldn’t control myself.

Kevin Nash: That’s right this week, myself and Alex will be teaming up with Booker T to take on the team of Triple H, the Rock and John Cena.

Alex Shelley: I… can’t… wait.

Kevin Nash: Now, I know what you’re all thinking; how unfair. How unfair is it that I must compete with my pectoral muscle injury?

Nash holds his chest.

Kevin Nash: Owww, my pecs’.

Alex Shelley: Your pecs’ are Godly.

Said Shelley as he gazed admiringly at Nash’s ripped chest muscles.

Kevin Nash: Thanks, I get that a lot.

Nash pondered.

Kevin Nash: Mostly from women, but still, I appreciate it.

Alex Shelley: Anytime, big guy.

Kevin Nash: See, you may be thinking that my team is disadvantaged, what with my substantial injury… but that’s not the case. See, even though I’m only forty-three percent fit and even though no doctor in this land would dare clear me to wrestle… I had to sign a waiver, my team is still going to win.

Alex Shelley: Kevin Nash, he’s our hero! Gonna’ cut jobber-pollution down to zero!

Kevin Nash: Why? Because honestly, I’m that good.

Nash grinned.

Kevin Nash: And because I’ve got creative control written into my contract which means that I can refuse to do the job.

He shrugged.

Kevin Nash: I can and I will. Hey I didn’t hang around with Hogan for nothing, you know. I picked up a few tricks. Besides, like Shawn was just telling me… it’d be company suicide to put a guy like the Rock over me. Speaking of which, did you know that the Ninja Turtles Two grossed over eight times what the Scorpion King, the Rundown and Walking-Tall combined did at the Box Office? Yeah, it’s true. And hey, you don’t hear me bragging about being a big Hollywood star. Maybe the Rock should take note.

Alex Shelley: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II is my favourite film… EVER.

Kevin Nash: It broke all kinds of opening week records. It made the Titanic look like a straight-to-video.

Sonjay Dutt: Umm… Kev?

Nash swotted away Dutt’s question.

Kevin Nash: HOWEVER… that is not the main focus of today’s meeting.

Alex Shelley: It’s not?

Shelley looked confused.

Kevin Nash: Apparently Sonjay isn’t feeling the whole transmorphesborgformer deal. Neither are the fans for that matter. I sent out some feelers. The response wasn’t so good. So, as of now Sonj-a-tron is no more.

Sonjay stands up and throws the cardboard transformer costume off.

Sonjay Dutt: Thank God for that!

He turned to Lethal.

Sonjay Dutt: It was starting to chafe.

Jay Lethal: OH YEAH.

Kevin Nash: Now, Kevin Nash has never failed to produce. So I took it upon myself to come up with another gimmick for you to utilize in PWR. Oh, it’s a keeper. Again, I have decided to keep it up-to-date with current affairs. Again, I have decided to make it topical. So after taking great care and consideration about labouring over this important career decision, I have decided that you Sonjay Dutt will be Sonjaynidas – King of Sparta!

Sonjay spits his mouthful of coffee across the room.

Sonjay Dutt: WHAT?!

Nash to the others…

Kevin Nash: I think he likes it.

Alex Shelley: It’s… it’s… brilliant!

Kevin Nash: If you think that’s good then wait till you see the costume I got made…

Fade out.

Fade in.

Nash, Shelley and Lethal stand in front of what appears to be a draped curtain-turned dressing room for Sonjay Dutt.

Kevin Nash: Well come on, let’s see you.

Sonjay Dutt: I am not coming out.

Kevin Nash: I had anticipated this. Alex, the curtain, please.

Shelley pulled on a chord of string and before you knew it the curtain had collapsed from its pully and onto the floor. Behind it stood Sonjay Dutt dressed in what appeared to be a fancy-dress Roman-Centurion outfit with the words “SPARTA” written in black-marker across the chest plate. The frails on his skirt barely covered his thighs.

Jay Lethal: DIG IT, YEA’UH!

Sonjay Dutt: I take it back. I want to be Sonj-a-tron.

Kevin Nash: It’s too late for that Sonjaynidas. Hmmm…

Nash pondered.

Kevin Nash: …something’s not quite right. Something’s… missing?

Shelley leaned in and whispered something into Kev’s ear. Nash leaned in and placed what appeared to be a Burger King crown on Sonjay’s head.

Kevin Nash: Perfect.

Sonjay Dutt: And why do I have to be the King of Sparta?

Kevin Nash: What are you talkin’ about? Being a King is IN. Everyone in Wrestling Redefined’s a King these days. I mean, you got Booker T – King of his people. For the record I’m totally against the whole slavery issue. Triple H, well he’s the King of Kings or something like that. The Rock’s even a King… well the Scorpion King, but whatever makes him happy. And you know what? I’m sure John Cena is probably even a King… of something or other.

Alex Shelley: The King of sucking.

Shelley giggled and looked around for high-fives at his top drawer insult.

Kevin Nash: And look at all those guys, they’re all big time players here in PWR. They’re top tier guys. Why? Because their Kings. So you’re destined for the top! You’ll be a HUGE superstar. Besides all the best warriors come from Sparta, everybody knows that.

Sonjay Dutt: So if being the King of Sparta is so great, then why don’t you pretend to be a King, huh Kev?

Kevin Nash: Firstly, I’m already the biggest superstar in this entire company. I don’t need to elevate my position in this company, and if I did all I’d have to do was call in a favour from Shawn. Secondly, I don’t need to pretend to be a King like those guys. I’m already part royalty.

Alex Shelley: Get… out… of… town!

Kevin Nash: Nope. True story. I’ve been royalty ever since I fought the Prince of Monaco back in the late eighties in a Winner Takes All Lion’s Den Hair versus Hair match.

Alex Shelley: Now, that’s awesome.

Kevin Nash: It wasn’t for the former long-haired Prince of Monaco.

Nash paused.

Kevin Nash: Besides, after I beat both Triple H and King Booker at Starrcade through natural athletic ability *cough*and politics*/cough* I’ll be the ultimate King of PWR.

Alex Shelley: A great King too.

Jay Lethal: PWR’S GONNA’ BE RUNNIN’ ON DIESEL POWER, YEAH! TOO SWEET YEAH!

Fade out.

Fade in to Sonjaynidis holding a plastic sword aloft as he delivers a final pre-battle (match) speech.

Sonjay Dutt: Spartans! Or should I say Nash-ans! Remember this Conflict, men, for it will be yours for all time. When you lay siege to Triple H, to John Cena, and the Rock. No retreat, no surrender, no match without heavy politicking. That is Nash-an law. And by Nash-an law, we will stand and fight...and die before we return to the mid-card or below. A new age has begun: the age of Kevin Nash’s PWR dominance. And all will know, that three – not three-hundred - Nash-uns, Big Sexy himself, Alex Shelley and King Booker, gave their last breath to defend it! Give them nothing! But take from them everything – apart from Cena’s in-ring ability, no man wishes that monstrosity.

Sonjaynidas thrust the sword into the air…

Sonjay Dutt: Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for on Monday Night…WE DINE IN HELL!

He thrust is aloft once more.

Sonjay Dutt: In an all you can eat finger buffet six-man tag match!

Kevin Nash: Cut! Sonjay, that was awesome.

Sonjay Dutt: It was ridiculous.

Kevin Nash: The ad-lib was good. Not what I scripted, but it was ballsy.

Fade out.

Static.